Ask a STM November

carleym93 · November 2018

I saw this on another BMB and thought it would be nice here:

A place to ask a STM about all things ranging from child birth and postpartum to baby gear. Also a place for STM’s to ask other moms with multiple kids questions.

Mine for November is:

Moms with more than 1, how difficult is the transition from 1 to 2? I’m so so nervous about the challenges having a newborn and an almost 4 year old will bring. Words of advice and wisdom welcome.

KissMeImScottish · November 2018

I think this was one of my biggest concerns - how to go from undivided attention to playing zone defense (admittedly, I kind of got catapulted there, since I went from 1 to 3). I’m not going to say the transition was easy - I noticed a fair amount of regression in behavior and clinginess from my oldest that wasn’t there before. He wanted to be carried a lot more and insisted on being fed his food, that kind of thing. I found it super helpful to really make sure to spend a lot of quality time with him at his bedtime or when the twins were sleeping. We read books, played in his play room, or baked. It helped him feel special. We also really went out of or way to encourage him to help with the babies. Asking him to grab diapers and wipes for diaper changes or to pick in their pacifiers when they dropped them, that kind of thing really helped him move past the “baby” behaviors he was displaying and to make him feel like they were “his” babies, too.

ruby696 · November 2018

@carleym93 I think it depends on the age gap. Mine were 18 months apart, so DS was very much a baby when DD was born. So that was physically hard. But he doesn't remember a time without her, so we really didn't have the jealousy issues some people have with a bigger age gap. Your 4 year old will be a great helper and make things a lot easier logistically.

liamsmommy09 · November 2018

For us the transition was extremely easy. My son was just turning 3, and extremely independant, potty trained, and speaking like an adult would. He was very involved with all aspects of helping out with the baby. Now I'm pregnant with number 3 and I'm worried about the transition with DD lol!

ruby696 · November 2018

@liamsmommy09 I'm worried about the transition for my DD, as well. She gets really irritated if I call her older brother my baby and she likes to remind me that she's the baby. She does love babies, so I'm hoping the excitement of helping with a baby will outweigh the fact that she won't be the youngest anymore.

emeraldcity603 · November 2018

Honestly, I think with the age gap you have it won't be too bad going from 1 to 2. A 4 year old can understand what is going on much better and you can discuss why the baby needs so much of your attention.

Going from 1 to 2 when #1 still isn't 2 is hard. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn't have any help from my husband though because he was in residency and working 80+ hours a week. It was really my third baby but my first and second are 12 years apart so my second baby was like another first baby. <<did that make any sense?

Adding my 3rd little one (again really my 4th bc of the 12 year gap between the first 2) was a breeze. She just fell into a routine and I didn't stress about as many things.

shamrocandroll · November 2018

Following. DS just turned 2 yesterday and is the light of my life. I'm having a hard time believing my world could ever not fully revolve around him. He's so sweet and loving, so I know he'll be a wonderful big brother, but I just can't completely imagine him not being my only baby anymore!

desoky01 · November 2018

Same here @shamrocandroll. I could have written what you just said.

tuxielove93 · November 2018

I have no idea how DS is going to react to a new baby. He’s 16 months and he is SUPER attached to me (and only me). It’s not so much that I can’t imagine splitting my time, it’s more that I’m really scared I will never be enough for both and DS is going to react very badly to that.

marijaa333 · November 2018

@shamrocandroll @desoky01 same here. With #1, I didn't have any doubts about welcoming the baby and he has turned out to be a sweetheart. This time, I keep wondering if we've made a huge mistake to upset the great relationship we have with our son. On the other hand, I am looking forward to having two, I can imagine how it will be a lot of fun too, especially if we luck out with another sweet kid. DS will be 4 if all works out...

Dcwtada · November 2018

I went from 1 to 2 when DD had just turned one the week before. I thought she’d be too young to even notice. She noticed and was not happy but after a couple days he was a novelty and then she pretty much tolerated him till he was about a year old. I cannot begin to emphasize how close those two are now, like own language and even though they share a bedroom more often than not by morning they are in the same bed. They do have some epic fights though lol.

When #3 came they were about to turn 2 and 3. It was a world of difference, they were both excited and wanted to help. They didn’t play much with him until he got to the year mark but now all 3 are as thick as thieves. They wake each other up in the morning because they all want to be up and playing together. I am really not too concerned as to how they will react to this one. I do think it’s hard for them to be close until around the one year mark and the baby can start to really interact and have some cooperative play.

As for me, my adjustment from 1 to 2 was easier than 2 to 3. While I dont feel the kids aren’t getting enough mommy time or individual time, managing the needs of 3 is just a constant chore. Plus the logistics of going anywhere with 3 under 4 was just tough. Once my daughter hit 4 and was able to be more independent and didn’t require the constant supervision just for her basic safety things got a lot easier. I am hoping with the older two being almost 4 and 5 when this one is born they will be mature enough that those logistics won’t be as bad, in fact they may be helpful

I did read read an article that moms of three are more stressed out than 4+ moms mostly by the fact moms have just lowered their standards and essential DGAF anymore. Soo, I got that to look forward to...

battleangel · November 2018

May seem silly, but did you mamas have a “feeling” that your baby would be a certain gender? How often was that right?

My mom said she had a dream that my brother was a boy and just knew I was a girl even though she’d picked out a boys name for me “just in case”.

ruby696 · November 2018

@battleangel Not really. I was convinced DS was a boy, only because MH has 2 brothers and his dad has 5 brothers. I was shocked when we found out DD was a girl. No idea what this one will be.

KissMeImScottish · November 2018

Yes. Definitely a weird feeling, and who knows how accurate it is, but I would have argued with the ultrasound tech if she had told me my oldest was a girl. From 10 weeks on, I KNEW he was a boy. With my twins, I didn’t have a strong feeling either way, which I interpreted to mean I was having one of each. I was right on all counts. This time around, I have a STRONG feeling that this one is a girl. Admittedly, who knows how much of this is wishful thinking (I have two boys and one girl and I would love to end my pregnancy journey with two and two), but I’ve been right both times before. It’ll be interesting to see what happens this time around.

KissMeImScottish · November 2018

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KissMeImScottish · November 2018

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KissMeImScottish · November 2018

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KissMeImScottish · November 2018

Sigh. Sorry. TB glitched out. Didn’t mean to multi-post.

meatballs37 · November 2018

I thought my first pregnancy was a boy. Nope, DD surprised me at our anatomy scan.

The second pregnancy I thought maybe a girl. Nope. Twin boys.

I think this one is a girl. So basically it’s probably a boy. 😆

zero motherly intuition over here.

dntstpbelieveing · November 2018

I was team green for my 1st and honestly had no clue.

carleym93 · November 2018

My dad passed away when I was pregnant with DD. Before he died, I had a dream about my grandpa who told me that my dad would be leaving me, but I was having a daughter and she was healthy and she would be okay. I was only 10ish weeks at the time. My dad’s passing was unexpected so the dream still gives me the chills.

amaren-2 · November 2018

I was convinced DS was a boy. At the anatomy scan I wasn't even surprised when they told me.

This one, not so sure. I got a 50% chance if I guess correctly

ShadeofGreen816 · November 2018

I have had no intuition in either pregnancy that it was a boy or a girl. At this point, my pregnancy has been a little different, but not a ton. So Maybe a boy? I know DH wants a boy. I'd be very happy with either sex. So, we'll see!

luckystar28 · November 2018

@battleangel I was convinced this baby was a girl! I was so so wrong! lol fail.

bakerstreetboys · November 2018

@battleangel I was right three out of four times

I still haven't made the call on what this one is!

chrssyms · November 2018

This is my first and I feel like it's going to be a boy. My mom had a boy first, my grandmother had a boy first and my great grandmother had a boy first. I know it's a 50/50, but I just feel like we are going to have a boy. Even though both my husband and I are kind of pulling for a girl, just because we definitely want to have one girl. So if we have the girl first, then we'll check that box! Also, I feel like we will have a boy because I know what we are going to name him, but I have no idea what we would name a girl. I should get my NIPT results back in a few days, so I'll know soon!

eleven_ · November 2018

@meatballs37 Ha! We are the same. I was 100% convinced DS was a girl and was 100% convinced DD was a boy. Now I'm scared to guess!

meatballs37 · November 2018

I also looked up all three of my kids first heart rates at their 8 week appointment. You know, for science.

DD: 162
DS1: 154
DS2: 164
Current Pregnancy: 184
🤷‍♀️

vv826 · November 2018

I actually guessed both times and have been wrong both times lol. We want a boy only because we have 2 DDs but honestly if it's a girl I'm okay I have a name for both but the girl name I've had for a lot longer. DH though knew DD2 was a girl and said he knows this is a boy if he's right then he has more motherly intuition than I do.🤣

kjr9519 · November 2018

With my first pregnancy, DH and I, as well as basically the rest of our family, were convinced we were having a girl. I never found out the gender. But, the crazy thing this time is that DH and I are on the same page again in thinking that we’ll have a boy. I’m interested to find out if we’re right (although we both want a girl, so we’ll be happy either way).

tuxielove93 · November 2018

I knew from the moment I turned the stick that DS was a boy. I cant even explain it, I just knew. I can’t tell this time and it’s making me crazy

eleven_ · November 2018

My kids are 15 months apart and I don't remember it being too difficult. I don't know if it's just been so long that I don't remember OR if it really was that easy. DS was really busy at 15 months. He wasn't jealous and he still napped really well. We basically all just hung out at the house all day and it was really was nice. Now trying to go anywhere with 2 under 2 is a completely different story

I'm more worried about this age gap. DS will be starting Kindergarten and DD will be in pre-K. It will be a lot of driving kids back and forth places and I'm worried that nap time with LO will have to be in the car. Also my kids fight ALL DAY LONG. I don't know how I'll deal with trying to break the fights up and manage a baby.

emeraldcity603 · November 2018

With my first I had no clue. With my second I wanted a girl so bad that I was so excited when I found out we were having a girl.
With my third, I knew it was a boy. My symptoms were barely anything at all, very similar to my first. With my last pregnancy I knew it was a girl and it was. I was pretty sick. This time, I'm pretty positive I'm having another girl. I have been sicker than I was in any other pregnancy. My mom thinks I'm having a boy though.

marijaa333 · November 2018

@carleym93 brrr, that is a crazy dream story. I dreamt that I was prgabant before I got the BFP, but it's not like it wasn't already on my mind...

I just knew DS was a boy. I have a less strong feeling that this one is a girl. I am kind of hoping for a boy just because I know life is easier for boys/men. But of course I'll love either one the same.

luckystar28 · November 2018

@emeraldcity603 Part of the reason I was sure this is a girl was because of how sick I am. 100 times worse than I was with DS. But alas, it’s not a girl haha. Unless my blood lied and I have male chromosomes for some odd reason 😂

catmommac · November 2018

I had a gut feeling with my DS that he was a boy. I don’t have such a strong gut feeling this time that it’s a girl, but I don’t know if it’s wishful thinking or gut feeling.

On the topic of DS, he seems like he might need a toddler pillow (he’ll be 2 in Jan). Any recommendations?

sparklingdiamond · November 2018

I knew DS was a boy. Everyone else thought girl but I knew it was a boy. I was right. Honestly with the second I thought it was another boy, but it was a girl. This time I'm not sure.

ellem29 · November 2018

Question for all the experienced moms - what baby stuff do I really not need? There are so many things out there (swings, exercisers, bottle warmers, extra/"travel" strollers, wet bags, etc.) that it's hard for me to decide what we'll actually need and what will just end-up sitting unused in a corner. Was there anything you bought or were gifted that eventually proved useless/unnecessary or just took-up extra space? Conversely, any absolute must-haves that most FTM don't think of/know about?

(I know a few people mentioned a couple of big ticket items they didn't think were worth it in the "splurges" thread, but I'm talking about even the little, cheap items that you just don't think are worth getting.)

dntstpbelieveing · November 2018

@ellem29 I did not use a bottle warmer (honestly my son was FF and I fed him cold bottles so I was never in a pinch in public). I did not use a wet bag either, I used dog poop bags. They come in a little roll with a dispenser that I used as both stink bags for dirty diapers and clothes that he pooped on. I got a swing but kept it in the box until we figured out that DS loved it. My biggest thing is look at the layout of your house to determine how much stuff you really need. I live in a ranch so I did all of my diaper changes on the changing table because it was all right there. I just moved bouncers around with me. We are now furnishing out basement so I will probably leave a few baby holders in the basement and a few upstairs so I dont have to lug them around. I do have a travel system and a nicer umbrella stroller I use them both equally they just have different strengths. I also did not use a wipe warmer. I could have gotten away with less swaddles. I have probably 8 and really needed about 2.

tsa208 · November 2018

"Question for all the experienced moms - what baby stuff do I really not need?"

I wound up never using my "official" diaper bag. I usually just kept a few diapers and small pack of wipes in my purse. My purse has three sections and I just dedicated one section to the baby, rather than bring a whole other bag.

I never used any of the baby-proofing stuff I bought, other than baby gates. My DD is only a year old though, so she's never really out of my sight. This may change as she gets older, but most of that stuff has been sitting there taking up space for over a year now. It may have been better to wait and see what I actually need.

Baby shoes - never wore 'em until she started standing.

"Conversely, any absolute must-haves that most FTM don't think of/know about?"

NOSE FRIDA! Lifesaver! those little newborn noses get so stuffed up, and this thing is awesome for cleaning them out. I know it looks crazy, but it works so well. And it's safe, my pediatrician even recommended it. Similarly, the Oogie Bear to get the boogers out. Stuffy baby = no sleep!

I also loved front-button onesies for when DD was really little - I didn't have to put the onesie over her head and it was easy peasy when changing blowouts. Specifically, I liked SpaSilk's front button onesie (if you don't like the style, try looking at kimono-style onesies). Along with something from their registry, I always gift these and Nose Fridas to my new mom friends.

I did buy travel versions of a lot of things and I traveled quite a bit with my infant daughter, so I get a lot of use out of those. But also be aware that there are a lot of baby equipment rental services now, so when you travel you can just have that stuff delivered and rent it by the day. I travel enough that it was worth investing in the travel gear but if I traveled just occasionally, I'd just rent it.

eleven_ · November 2018

@ellem29 Looking back, the only must-haves for me were a swing, a boppy, and a bouncer. My kids slept so well in the swing and the boppy makes BF so much easier. You could always use a pillow, so I guess it's not truly a must-have. I truly loved mine though. We loved our bouncer because it was cheap and really light so it was easy to carry it around the house. Both of my kids loved to sit in it too. Here is a link to the one I bought:

https://www.amazon.com/Bright-Starts-Playful-Pinwheels-Bouncer/dp/B00KHR7TPK/ref=sr_1_13_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1542142366&sr=1-13&keywords=baby+rocker

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