As someone who doesn’t have help I encourage moms that if they have family close by to use it. It’s hard raising children alone and away from family! It’s literally on me and my husband (sometimes just me) to provide all the care and it’s daunting. When I see people can just drop their kids off at a grandparents house and go out for a date night, I get so jealous! If you have that opportunity, know that you are extremely lucky to be in that situation and use it.
Agreeeeed!!! Now that’s not to say you can’t ever vent about the tensions that come with receiving help from family members but I so wish we had family close by! We’re in VA and our families are in IL & CA. I envy the Braverman’s every time I see Parenthood. Haha!
DH and I go back-and-forth constantly about whether or not to move closer to family for this very reason. My sister lives near my family and has had free childcare for years. I envy it so much BUT we don't particularly love where either of our families live so we'd be sacrificing a lot to live near family. It's definitely our #1 topic of conversation since having DD in 2016.
Not sure how I managed to miss some of these convos but I feel so much better that I'm not alone! I have a hard time with the family "help" also. I'm super independent and my 2 SILs are the total opposite so their moms do EVERYTHING. One works part-time and her mom does her grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry and babysits the kids on days she works. The other one is a SAHM and lives with her parents so her mom does cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking meals, etc. I am the only girl so my mom feels like she needs to do these things for me b/c it is what she sees however she lives 30 mins from me and works full time so I would NEVER ask her to do any of this (hell, she has a housekeeper for her own house so why would I ever think to ask her to clean mine???). So then when I do need help, if she can't do it she has major mom guilt and tries to make it up by being over bearing.
On the other hand, my ILs live 2 miles from us and are able to do more last minute things so we turn to them for last minute baby sitting, daycare pick-up or drop-off if we're in a bind, etc. We would never ask them for anything crazy esp because my MIL has medical problems (3 back surgeries and a brain surgery in the past 5 yrs). However SIL got unexpectedly pregnant half way through her 2 yr engagement and she expects MIL to do all the things for her. My problem with it is that she will not allow my ILs to take her kid overnight. Like its ok to ask for them for everything but then you refuse to let them do the fun stuff??? My ILs live and breath taking my son on vacations and its not unusual for them to go on 1 or 2 week long vacations a year with him but SIL has NEVER let them take hers unless she also goes. They hate it because they are so used to the freedom we give them and I genuinely feel bad because they bend over backwards for her.
Also, I agree - if you need the help, don't be afraid to ask for it. I may be insanely independent and hate asking for help myself but I've learned that I'm not superwoman and no one expects me to be (even if I still try). If my husband is away and my son is acting crazy I will be the first person to call my parents and crash a night or 2 at their house for a little bit of a break!
I was in the room with a patient this past week who was complaining to the physician about how difficult it can be to lose weight (after she openly admitted to eating lots of ice cream and potato chips). She pointed at my 20-week baby bump and said "Just ask her. I'm sure she knows what I'm talking about." I mean, WTF.
I was making my one cup of coffee and a coworker asked , "can you have caffeine? Can you do that? " I said yes and she asked again! Then she asked who my doctor was. Most things don't bother me but don't question me about what I eat or drink especially repeatedly. Annoying.
@al_vy wow, people are actually taking the care to ASK before they violate your personal space? I've had people already just reach out and grab my belly (about 4 inches above where LO is currently floating in baby goo) without asking! I tell them, sorry no that's just my fat. They say ohhhh no it's the baby. No. It's not. My uterus is currently at my belly button line and below, and you are touching closer to my boobs than anything. Plz get off me!
Ugh it's so annoying.
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone) IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear! IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
@rooonilwaazlib funny story...my mom put her hand on my upper belly and said, oh I felt him move! I was like, umm no you didn't he's below my belly button and I only feel him between my hips. She said, then what did I feel? I said probably poop moving around.
As someone who doesn’t have help I encourage moms that if they have family close by to use it. It’s hard raising children alone and away from family! It’s literally on me and my husband (sometimes just me) to provide all the care and it’s daunting. When I see people can just drop their kids off at a grandparents house and go out for a date night, I get so jealous! If you have that opportunity, know that you are extremely lucky to be in that situation and use it.
Agreeeeed!!! Now that’s not to say you can’t ever vent about the tensions that come with receiving help from family members but I so wish we had family close by! We’re in VA and our families are in IL & CA. I envy the Braverman’s every time I see Parenthood. Haha!
DH and I go back-and-forth constantly about whether or not to move closer to family for this very reason. My sister lives near my family and has had free childcare for years. I envy it so much BUT we don't particularly love where either of our families live so we'd be sacrificing a lot to live near family. It's definitely our #1 topic of conversation since having DD in 2016.
Um. All of this. We also had DD in 2016! My brother lives couple of miles away from my parents and they get so much help w their boys!!! I am jealous but to think about moving back to Illinois is just...a lot. DH and I love it out here!!! We tried convincing my parents to retire here but I think they are so comfortable staying where they are (understandably so).
Well, I just received the fat face comment twice in a row. The first one used the adjective "puffy" and the second said, " Your face has really filled out." Real nice.
@leighbrek so f*cking rude, wonder what would happen if you were like "aww, you too!" hehe
Maybe this is just my hormonal overthinking, but a friend had her beautiful healthy baby 5 weeks early and everyone was commenting "so tiny!" on the picture she posted. I feel like that would annoy me. He was premature, she knows he's tiny. I felt defensive for her lol.
@kianarain It crossed my mind to say exactly that! People really suck. I would never in a million years comment on someone's body unless I was giving a generic, "You look wonderful/beautiful, etc."
lol I hope your friend replies, "Baby is a giant amongst the preemies!"
@leighbrek sorry to hear that, how insensitive! I've noticed one you tell ppl you are pregnant they look for something to say about your body. So far i've gotten a lot of wow you look great for xx weeks but I find the need to comment on anything about my body or face odd. I'm embarrassed to admit that I think prior to this pregnancy I was one of those people!
@ersh1010 It is kind of strange, isn't it? I wonder why thoughts automatically go there... A lot of pregnant women feel insecure at some point, and understandably so with all the sudden changes and expansion going on... Yet, people are compelled to bring up the subject. "My, you are looking plump today! Must be a boy, you know, because your face is fat and you look like a cherub." Aw, gee, thanks so much!
@ersh1010 yeah, I have a feeling I was probably one of those people as well since I never really gave it much thought. I thought I was a complimenting someone by saying "you look great or tiny or small for XX weeks" but now I know that could be the exact thing they may be insecure about. As @leighbrek pointed out, my insecurities run wild and change hourly from feeling huge to too small and I seem to take every comment wrong
@leighbrek if it a makes you feel better I was also told it was a dead giveaway that I was pregnant because my face got round...
I made dinner yesterday before heading into night shift. Instead of thanking me or just staying quiet he bitched about how it has tomatoes in it and he doesn't like tomatoes, and blah blah blah. I finally said "you really couldn't just pick around them". I then said "from now on if you don't like something you can go to your grandma's, pick up something for yourself, or have cereal! "Omg
I was walking to the bathroom a few minutes ago and some guy in my building (I see him daily like in the halls but we don't work together) was like "getting pretty close now right?" DA FUQ
Yes, thank you so much random person. As if I didn't realize my shirt was completely soaked through with sweat from the unbearable heat, or that baby girl has taken up kickboxing under my left ribs.
I just need the fall weather already. 90 degrees with no air is not cutting it for me anymore.
This thread will probably be fun for me for the next few months. I’m a teacher and share an office with two other teachers in my department. One is a 30 year old married guy who is sooooo clueless about pregnancy related things. An example is that last year he asked me if women crave hard candy when they’re pregnant. I wanted so badly just to tell him yes so he would eventually ask his own wife.
Hes alreasy nosily asked me if I’m drinking too much caffeine and has refused to allow me to move textbooks because they’re too heavy. And asked me if I’m ‘allowed’ to stand on chairs while pregnant because I was putting border up in my classroom. And asked if pregnancy brain caused me to forget my iced tea in the car. This was all on one day back.
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
We just moved last week and everyone kept telling me I shouldn’t be lifting things. Yet no one is bothered by me lifting my daughter who is heavier than most of the boxes I was lifting.
I just had my first “say what” this weekend which shows why I’ve pretty much kept my pregnancy quiet. was out of state at an uncles funeral. Since half my siblings already know I figured I’d tell the rest privately while we were all in the same place. my second brother just looks down his nose at me and says: about time, what on earth have you been waiting for anyway? Past time you did this... then walked away shaking his head. what?!? first of all, what if I didn’t want kids at all ( which is a valid life choice) second if all, if I thought he had any common sense I’d tell him: oh I dunno, (tw) 4 miscarriages, 3 Major surgeries, 7 IVF cycles kind of slowed me down a bit... asshole. what can I say... my brother is a born fool. I’ve always know (hence why he’s last to hear my news).
@kianarain I got those comments all the time from people about ds, who was also born prematurely. I never had a good comeback but I did eventually post something on Facebook about how it was rude to comment on the size of a baby who was born prematurely.
@pttomato@BitterBetty12 +1 to the caffeine comments, "heavy" lifting comments & standing on chairs. I just moved also, and felt annoyed like 85% percent of the time (mostly for the above, but also - just being a huge B lately).
I'm sure SO was trying to be nice, but the "just slow down, you don't need that coffee - you need some rest" comments were getting old. How am I supposed to rest when our house is in shambles? Just let me power it out for a weekend, I'm pregnant not injured. And YES I can lift this less than 10-lb CHAIR without your help. Sheesh.
@kns1988 I’ve known my whole life he’s a selfish jerk, unfortunately ( most families have at least 1 tucked away somewhere) so I was pissed off but not surprised. It’s why he was the last one of my sibs that I told. @ersh1010 thanks... just so ruffled my feathers because I know what all I went through to get to this point. Even though he doesn’t know, it’s a dumb thing to say to any woman.
Ugh, sorry @dragonette505. Funny how it's family that are sometimes the biggest assholes. Have you spilled the beans to your MIL yet? I know you were a bit worried about what was going to come out of her mouth too....
Oct 16: Spontaneous BFP | m/c @ 9w1d (massive SCH) | D&C Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN May 17: IUI #2 = BFN Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies) Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = cancelled due to missed ovulation
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = BFP! Beta 1: 201 Beta 2: 585 Beta 3: 3254 Beta 4: 9715
U/S 19May - one bean measuring on track with a HB of 125! EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
Ugh, sorry @dragonette505. Funny how it's family that are sometimes the biggest assholes. Have you spilled the beans to your MIL yet? I know you were a bit worried about what was going to come out of her mouth too....
I told my husband after the 20 week scan looked good that he could tell her. He said he told her but NOT A PEEP about her reaction, which doesn’t sound good to me. I told him years ago the best way to keep the peace was for him to not pass along her dumb comments. I can only assume she said something dumb. I feel bad for him if that’s the case. He was so excited and eager to tell his mom. I can’t imagine my mom not being over the moon.
@kianarain yes those comments are so frustrating. Even this morning when H was going to get coffee he questioned me when I asked for my latte. Just shush your mouth and get me my caffeine. We also moved while I was pregnant (we moved in May so it was toward the beginning) and it is hard to rest. We just finally in the last few weeks got our kitchen and living room furniture in place and I finally did some fall decorating to make it feel like home. We still have to paint all of the bedrooms upstairs (which includes finishing DD1s nursery recreation from her last room and making DD2s nursery). And we also have no hanging decorations on any walls. So there’s no time for a break!
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
I am so sick and tired of women commenting about my shape. This past week has been brutal. Comments like, "wow, there's no hiding that thing now," or "man you're really showing." Today I went to pilates and some woman said to me, "you really have a belly going." My favorite this week, which I wanted to slap the person, came from a woman who just checked into my department: how much weight have you gained? So in return to that, I asked her if she had children. I was hpoing she would pause and think how inappropriate and intrusive her question was. She has three children!!!! Who the hell asks a stranger that? I would expect that from my sister - because she's my sister, but from a woman who I don't know and who has three kids? Come on now. She should know better.
As far as comments, people have two choices: say nothing at all and continue to treat me as a human or just tell me I look amazing (even if it's a lie and walk away).
@katethemom WTF???? Did you tell her you were pregnant?? I would have been like, "hell no, this is not the same. You can't compare my pregnant belly to your lack of self-control."
@CoastieGirl79 For some reason people really liked to talk to me about how much weight they gained when they were pregnant last time. And some how it was always less than 25 lbs. Flat out asking is even worse.
@pttomato we weren't even engaged in a conversation about weight gain or pregnancy, for that matter. She was packing up to leave for the day. It was the weirdest thing.
My MIL just told me she thinks it’s going to be a boy because the baby hasn’t stolen my beauty this time. My DH tried to save her by reminding her that we have a daughter. Her response? “Oh yes she looks much prettier this time.” Um thanks?
Married 6.21.2014 DD #1: 8.16.2015 #2 EDD: 1.13.2019
@hlb8179 I've had friends receive comments like that, and it blows my mind that people can be that oblivious. I think I would have to respond "gee, thanks for saying I look like shit."
@AshVA Yup! I've decided that I don't need to sit and force a smile when people say stupid things - time to start calling it and making the situation awkward as hell!
Re: Say what????
All.of.this!!
Not sure how I managed to miss some of these convos but I feel so much better that I'm not alone! I have a hard time with the family "help" also. I'm super independent and my 2 SILs are the total opposite so their moms do EVERYTHING. One works part-time and her mom does her grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry and babysits the kids on days she works. The other one is a SAHM and lives with her parents so her mom does cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking meals, etc. I am the only girl so my mom feels like she needs to do these things for me b/c it is what she sees however she lives 30 mins from me and works full time so I would NEVER ask her to do any of this (hell, she has a housekeeper for her own house so why would I ever think to ask her to clean mine???). So then when I do need help, if she can't do it she has major mom guilt and tries to make it up by being over bearing.
On the other hand, my ILs live 2 miles from us and are able to do more last minute things so we turn to them for last minute baby sitting, daycare pick-up or drop-off if we're in a bind, etc. We would never ask them for anything crazy esp because my MIL has medical problems (3 back surgeries and a brain surgery in the past 5 yrs). However SIL got unexpectedly pregnant half way through her 2 yr engagement and she expects MIL to do all the things for her. My problem with it is that she will not allow my ILs to take her kid overnight. Like its ok to ask for them for everything but then you refuse to let them do the fun stuff??? My ILs live and breath taking my son on vacations and its not unusual for them to go on 1 or 2 week long vacations a year with him but SIL has NEVER let them take hers unless she also goes. They hate it because they are so used to the freedom we give them and I genuinely feel bad because they bend over backwards for her.
Also, I agree - if you need the help, don't be afraid to ask for it. I may be insanely independent and hate asking for help myself but I've learned that I'm not superwoman and no one expects me to be (even if I still try). If my husband is away and my son is acting crazy I will be the first person to call my parents and crash a night or 2 at their house for a little bit of a break!
I was making my one cup of coffee and a coworker asked , "can you have caffeine? Can you do that? " I said yes and she asked again! Then she asked who my doctor was. Most things don't bother me but don't question me about what I eat or drink especially repeatedly. Annoying.
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
Ugh it's so annoying.
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone)
IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN
HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear!
IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
She didn't find it as funny as I did.
Real nice.
Maybe this is just my hormonal overthinking, but a friend had her beautiful healthy baby 5 weeks early and everyone was commenting "so tiny!" on the picture she posted. I feel like that would annoy me. He was premature, she knows he's tiny. I felt defensive for her lol.
People really suck. I would never in a million years comment on someone's body unless I was giving a generic, "You look wonderful/beautiful, etc."
lol I hope your friend replies, "Baby is a giant amongst the preemies!"
I'm embarrassed to admit that I think prior to this pregnancy I was one of those people!
@leighbrek if it a makes you feel better I was also told it was a dead giveaway that I was pregnant because my face got round...
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
DS 05/29/2013
M/C 02/14/2017
M/C 06/05/2017
C/P 03/01/2018
BFP 05/17/2018 EDD 01/27/2019
Yes, thank you so much random person. As if I didn't realize my shirt was completely soaked through with sweat from the unbearable heat, or that baby girl has taken up kickboxing under my left ribs.
I just need the fall weather already. 90 degrees with no air is not cutting it for me anymore.
for the next few months. I’m a teacher and share an office with two other teachers in my department. One is a 30 year old married guy who is sooooo clueless about pregnancy related things. An example is that last year he asked me if women crave hard candy when they’re pregnant. I wanted so badly just to tell him yes so he would eventually ask his own wife.
Hes alreasy nosily asked me if I’m drinking too much caffeine and has refused to allow me to move textbooks because they’re too heavy. And asked me if I’m ‘allowed’ to stand on chairs while pregnant because I was putting border up in my classroom. And asked if pregnancy brain caused me to forget my iced tea in the car. This was all on one day back.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
was out of state at an uncles funeral. Since half my siblings already know I figured I’d tell the rest privately while we were all in the same place.
my second brother just looks down his nose at me and says: about time, what on earth have you been waiting for anyway? Past time you did this... then walked away shaking his head.
what?!?
first of all, what if I didn’t want kids at all ( which is a valid life choice)
second if all, if I thought he had any common sense I’d tell him: oh I dunno, (tw) 4 miscarriages, 3 Major surgeries, 7 IVF cycles kind of slowed me down a bit...
asshole.
what can I say... my brother is a born fool. I’ve always know (hence why he’s last to hear my news).
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
I hope your friend and her ds are doing amazing.
I'm sure SO was trying to be nice, but the "just slow down, you don't need that coffee - you need some rest" comments were getting old. How am I supposed to rest when our house is in shambles? Just let me power it out for a weekend, I'm pregnant not injured. And YES I can lift this less than 10-lb CHAIR without your help. Sheesh.
@ersh1010 thanks... just so ruffled my feathers because I know what all I went through to get to this point. Even though he doesn’t know, it’s a dumb thing to say to any woman.
*TW loss and children mentioned*
Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen
Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
not being over the moon.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
As far as comments, people have two choices: say nothing at all and continue to treat me as a human or just tell me I look amazing (even if it's a lie and walk away).
Married: 8/11/2007
DD: Born 2/3/17
BFP#2: 5/3, EDD 1/10/19
DD #1: 8.16.2015
#2 EDD: 1.13.2019