BitterBetty12, your situation sounds so similar to mine. My sister has a 6 year old, and my mom and family do an insane amount of parenting for them. Like, this kid was basically raised by her grandma. There's also a dynamic of grandma having WAY too much say in how the kid is raised, to the point where she'll get her hair cut short without even mentioning it. It makes me not want to ask for help at all.
Me: 29, DH: 31 Married: October 2014 Began TTC: April 2015 BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w) BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w) BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17 BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
I mean... is your dad an endocrinologist? Otherwise why would he think you'd do anything but follow your own doctors guidelines? I feel like people don't know how bad gestational diabetes can be for the baby. Its not just an insurance issue.
He’s a type 1 diabetic who distrusts endocrinologists and thinks they don’t know what they are talking about. He basically thinks he’s an expert since he’s had it for a long time. And he’s even aware of what can happen because of his sister.
I mean... is your dad an endocrinologist? Otherwise why would he think you'd do anything but follow your own doctors guidelines? I feel like people don't know how bad gestational diabetes can be for the baby. Its not just an insurance issue.
He’s a type 1 diabetic who distrusts endocrinologists and thinks they don’t know what they are talking about. He basically thinks he’s an expert since he’s had it for a long time. And he’s even aware of what can happen because of his sister.
Ugh... well all you can do then is go: okay dad, and just keep doing what your doc says.... Its tough when ppl don't trust the best info. For sure you will NOT starve your baby... the need micronutrients a ton more than they need you to eat carbs
Kind of on the same topic as people getting so much extra help. My brothers are 10 and 12 years older than me (they have a different dad), so, obviously, they started their families way before me (it doesn’t help that DH and I struggled with infertility for 3 years first, either). When they had their kids they relied on family a lot for the first few years, including me, since they figured I was younger (like 20) and that since I was their sister they could get unlimited free help. I didn’t really mind, but I’m also well aware now that I won’t be receiving any help in return since they have kids of their own to take care of and will be too busy to help me with an infant. I’m really close with my brothers and SILs, so I feel like I can’t hold it against them, but it still irks me once and a while.
Also, my mother keeps telling me I won’t be able to take care of an infant without help because my DH works on the road during the week. Her reasoning is that she had a hard time raising kids by herself when my dad (they’re divorced now) worked on the road during the week, so therefore I’ll never be able to do it. This is a constant thing with her, she believes anything she struggled with I could never do. It’s not like I think it’ll be easy, but I’m determined to at least try manage on my own before I throw in the towel.
@baileym9126 How old are your nieces and nephews? Can your brother voluntell some of the older ones to help you? They might not be able to do as much as adults, but depending on age might be able to babysit (or at least come over to provide some help with supervision).
I've already gotten preached to about the "dangers" of getting an epidural. Why do people (even close family) think that they can dictate my birthing plan?
Even as someone who has chosen not to get an epidural with my deliveries, I know this is not something you push on others. I’m fact several years ago our state legislature tried to cut maternity coverage down on Medicaid, and they wanted to no longer cover epidurals. I testified as to why they should continue to cover them. While I think non-medicated childbirth can be a great choice, it should still remain entirely the choice of the woman, and be supported by her healthcare providers and SO.
@libertymomrn that's such a cool thing to be involved in. Especially as women, we should all know that one size does not fit all and respect individual choices. I admire & salute the women who do it free of medication, and the women who do it with! I'm a FTM, but either way - it doesn't seem like a walk in the park.
SIL “found out” she was 8 months pregnant right after her wedding. She and her H were not ready/mature enough to get married, let alone have a baby, so MIL helped out a ton with their baby. When he was 4 months old, she got pregnant again.
Now SIL has 3 kids; the oldest just turned 7. She and her family go over to my IL’s every night. MIL cooks dinner for all of them. Basically, they sleep and shower at their house and spend the rest of the time at my IL’s. It’s led to extremely lazy parenting by SIL and BIL because they’re content to let the IL’s take charge. It’s so bizarre to me.
DH and I currently live 2.5 hours away from his family, but we may move near them next year. It will be interesting to see how our different dynamics play out.
Married: May 2012 DS1: May 2016 DS2: Jan 2019 Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
My god... hearing the stories of the parents sort of being taken care of by their moms and dads... i don't get it. I think i would resent too much input or someone else basically mothering my kids. I fought so hard to get to be a mom, i want to do as much as i can! I want some help, yeah, but dinner every night? You cant really create any of your OWN family traditions that way.
@AshVA the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5, so not old enough to babysit, but I know they would babysit when they’re older. The 7 year old niece (will be 8 when baby is here) loves to help with things, so she might actually be of some help, but she’s also young enough that she still needs help with a lot of things herself, so I’m not sure I’d really be better off. I feel like I’d still just be babysitting my brother’s kids.
@dragonette505 I feel the same way. Don’t get me wrong, if I need the help I’ll ask for it from my ILs or my parents, but I don’t want them practically raising my child for me. I like taking care of myself and DH, I don’t want anybody else’s input on how I should take care of my family.
@dragonette505 I feel the same way. Don’t get me wrong, if I need the help I’ll ask for it from my ILs or my parents, but I don’t want them practically raising my child for me. I like taking care of myself and DH, I don’t want anybody else’s input on how I should take care of my family.
exactly! Help is great! And I'm going to have help, but I want to make my own family traditions and our own way of raising this girl.
Ah it sucks to hear so many people have similar family situations in regard to help - but also it's kind of nice to know that I'm not alone and that a lot of families seem to have this weird family dynamic.
@dragonette505 One of the reasons I'm so conflicted about even complaining about the situation is because I DON'T want the kind of help she offers SIL. I have no interest in my in laws or my own family for that matter being so intimately involved in my parenting. But at the same time I sit back and watch what happens with SIL and see how my DH and DD are kind of left in the dark because of it sometimes and that's the part that makes me so angry.
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
I didn't realize all of us had the same in-laws! My SIL had her first while she was in college so understandably my in-laws were very involved and did everything they could to make sure SIL could still graduate. But then she just....never moved out. She had gone to school for education and turned down every teaching job she got because they were all too far away from her parents. She ended up working in retail and moved up to a pretty decently paying manager position, didn't move out. Got married and her husband moved in with the in laws too! After over ten years of this they did eventually move out and had another baby. My 13 year old nephew didn't want to change school districts so he essentially just lives with his grandparents now. And my MIL watches the little one almost every day so they don't have to pay for daycare.
On the one hand I am sooo grateful to not need that level of help, but I know my son will never be as close with those grandparents as his cousins and it makes me sad. My husband is kind of the golden child while his sisters were always much more needy (the 27 year old also still lives with my IL's) so I feel like they kind of forget about us. They'll all go on vacation together, or go to dinner and a show in the city we live in, and never even think to invite us. I don't really care that much but I hope my son doesn't become the forgotten grandchild.
BitterBetty12 My dads mom sort of helicopter grand parented one of her daughters children. My mom used to tell us that we were actually lucky to not have that because those boys were going to end up spoiled. Those cousins have done the least with their lives and ive always wondered if all the extra spoiling sort of made them feel like things in life should be handed to them. That can happen when the grandparents are too involved. My mom was really insistent that we spent Christmas at home in the morning and opened our own gifts before going to visit the grandparents in the evening. Lots of the other grandkids carted their gifts over first thing in the morning and opened them all at once. Again, i treasure our own nuclear family having its own unique traditions and some space to just be ourselves.
@dragonette505 Yes exactly. Having your own traditions is so important. And I do think the extra help has consequences. As a matter of fact, SIL was always babied by my in laws - especially emotionally. And so I really see this as just an extension of that which lead to an inability for her to manage her life on her own. Don’t get me wrong. SIL did have twins and I’m sure that is really challenging. But tons of people have twins and don’t have their entire family drop everything to raise them.
@kaf1788 Yikes! We basically all do have the same in laws. But that also means we’re juat all the amazing, self suficinent, and competent ones in our families.
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
Ah it sucks to hear so many people have similar family situations in regard to help - but also it's kind of nice to know that I'm not alone and that a lot of families seem to have this weird family dynamic.
Count me in this group as well. My Sister and BIL live super close to my parents (after having lived WITH my parents for a couple years) and accept all the help (financially and time-wise) and all the obligation that comes with. My BIL & SIL also live super close to my ILs (again, after having lived WITH them for SEVERAL years) and accept a ton of help with their DD and my MIL even buys and brings them groceries.
DH and I have never lived at home as adults, live several hours away (and at times in different states) than either of our parents and don't need or accept the help (financially or otherwise). Obviously it would be lovely to have extra hands around when the baby comes but to be honest, I would rather hire paid help (nanny, grocery delivery, house keeper, etc) than take favors that come with a side helping of guilt and obligation. I want them to be around and involved, I just don't want them so involved that they feel like they have the right to undermine my parenting choices. Luckily we are in a situation to make that choice which I acknowledge not everyone is.
@KLS123 Yes I think acknowledging that some people DO need help is important. I also think the level of help is the distinction that sometimes makes us frustrated, and it sounds like most of our families are at a point where really what they are doing is taking advantage. My SIL definitely needed help with twins when her husband was working a ton and not around. Especially when they were new. It's the fact that it has continued and the level at which the help is given (MIL still staying over at her apartment a couple of nights a week, doing SILs laundry, etc) that blows my mind. Could she use some help? Absolutely. Does she need the level of help being provided? Absolutely NOT. But I AM so grateful to be in a position in my life where I not only don't want the help, but I don't NEED it. And it's important to remember that amongst all the frustration, we are lucky in that regard.
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
I want them to be around and involved, I just don't want them so involved that they feel like they have the right to undermine my parenting choices. Luckily we are in a situation to make that choice which I acknowledge not everyone is.
This!
Me: 29, DH: 31 Married: October 2014 Began TTC: April 2015 BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w) BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w) BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17 BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
Ugh... well all you can do then is go: okay dad, and just keep doing what your doc says.... Its tough when ppl don't trust the best info. For sure you will NOT starve your baby... the need micronutrients a ton more than they need you to eat carbs
Yeap, I’ve done this successfully once before so it’s easier to let it roll off my back this time.
I’m late to the convo but I do want to say re: all the family help and not wanting/needing it — ftms: do NOT be too proud to ask for help and to know when you need it. I work full time as the head of a nonprofit and DH travels Mon-Fri. Sometimes he’s gone on the weekends, though it’s not often. When he’s gone, I’ve gone to stay the night at my parents’ on a Friday just to get a small break, and I’ve left DD with them for the day and come home and napped. They’ve also had her for a couple overnights so DH and I could have dates and actually sleep in. I get the whole wanting to be self-sufficient thing and I think many of the stories here are of extreme cases, but since having DD I’ve had such a better understanding and respect for why so many other cultures practice communal or multi-generational living. This shit is HARD by yourself and feeing isolated. There’s no shame in getting help — even if you literally just need the help so you can nap. There’s a big difference between handing your kids off to someone else to be raised and leveraging/relying on your support network and getting over the”I have to do this on my own” mentality.
To clarify, I don’t think anyone here was trying to say you shouldn’t ask for help, but I read the whole conversation at once and came away a bit concerned that if I were a FTM I’d read it thinking asking for help = bad/lazy. I know no one meant that.
Gurl... trust me... my family will be helping for sure.... Its more like i just wouldn't want to abdicate my power as a mom. I think help is healthy... for most of human history, extended family helped each other with kids and etc. I think in most of the cases mentioned, people sort of wallow in the help to the point they are not really parenting, so to speak. I'm lucky my side of the family is awesome and respectful (its just my husbands side i have to worry about! lol) Full disclosure, my mom lives WITH me. She is not super healthy (which is why we have her) so its not like she will be my child care, but i will benefit from her experience in raising 6 kids and some help keeping an eye on the kiddo when shes too small to get into too much trouble. My mom is super respectful of us though and we are not worried she will try to take over.
@cait32 I think that was an important post to make. I can absolutely see how as a FTM you could read that and think we were saying any and all help is bad. You're right that the cases we are talking about are extreme. And do they cause some of us to ask for help less than we maybe should or could? Yeah, I think so. But what I really do is ask MY family for help instead of DH's family. Because DHs family's help comes with strings. And also because they give such extreme help to SIL that we do feel a little proud in the regard that we want to be the complete opposite of that. And it's definitely not the most healthy relationship. But thankfully my family is available and their help is no strings attached. But I also don't abuse it.
Me: 28 DH: 26 Married: November 2015 TTC#1: January 2016 BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16 BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17 DD Born 06/23/17 TFAS: April 2018 BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
@cait32 makes a good point about asking for help if/when you need it. Reading the posts from those of us who were lamenting over the excessive care some family members receive, I actually read those as us moms *wanting* more help than we are able to receive because of other family members monopolizing and taking advantage of the care that is available from parents/grandparents. I think we're all on the same page in that none of us desire the excessive support that is being expected by other siblings with children in the family, but that we would all love parents/grandparents to be available to provide us with the support more typically offered from that generation which we currently do not get.
Oct 16: Spontaneous BFP | m/c @ 9w1d (massive SCH) | D&C Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN May 17: IUI #2 = BFN Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies) Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = cancelled due to missed ovulation
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = BFP! Beta 1: 201 Beta 2: 585 Beta 3: 3254 Beta 4: 9715
U/S 19May - one bean measuring on track with a HB of 125! EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
We went for Chinese food yesterday and mentioned I was pregnant as part of a question I was asking, the MALE waiter then said "oh ok, you can't have spicy food then because it does something funny to the skin of the baby. When my sister was pregnant that's what they kept saying." I laughed it off and said we like spicy and I wasn't concerned, but he was insistent. JUST LET ME EAT WHAT I WANT!
totally agree @dragonette505 and I definitely didn't mean to imply that anyone here was looking down on asking for help...I just always say to my friends who haven't done it yet that they need to feel okay to ask; many of my friends are strong and independent and I've watched too many of them suffer in silence because of being too proud to ask. I hate asking for help, but after having DD, I'm allllll about it.
I totally got you! Was very nice of you to remind (especially us inexperienced moms to be) that help WILL be needed. Ive seen some of my friends do it without help and it looked a hot mess...i don't wanna get to that level if i don't have to. And I know for me i can call big bro or big sis and they will ride to my rescue when I'm drowning.
We went for Chinese food yesterday and mentioned I was pregnant as part of a question I was asking, the MALE waiter then said "oh ok, you can't have spicy food then because it does something funny to the skin of the baby. When my sister was pregnant that's what they kept saying." I laughed it off and said we like spicy and I wasn't concerned, but he was insistent. JUST LET ME EAT WHAT I WANT!
LOL! I love that! EVERYONE has some opinion about babies! I'm so curious what he thinks it will do to the skin!!!
cait32 I appreciate the reminder that it is ok to take help. My older sister has moved back to my hometown where my parents live because she is chronically ill and just recently able to do some things on her own. I've been the more independent one for a long time and am the one who is married and living 6 hours away, moving up in my career, bought a home, etc. We went through infertility, IUI, IVF, and got pregnant, including financing it ourselves. I work really hard not to be needy financially or emotionally because my sister needs so much from them. But I know it is ok to ask for help and they respect our marriage so much they don't want to "interfere." I might ask my mom if she wants to come up early this fall, before all 3 visit for Thanksgiving. I could let her buy me stuff and do stuff for me, which she is able and loves doing. I also might see if she wants to come live with us for a month or so this spring. DH and her get along great and it would be so nice to have her around to help us, even if we could technically do without.
As someone who doesn’t have help I encourage moms that if they have family close by to use it. It’s hard raising children alone and away from family! It’s literally on me and my husband (sometimes just me) to provide all the care and it’s daunting. When I see people can just drop their kids off at a grandparents house and go out for a date night, I get so jealous! If you have that opportunity, know that you are extremely lucky to be in that situation and use it.
I think help is awesome. We don’t have any family in the area, and I’m really bad about asking friends for help for a variety of reasons. My husband works like a bajillion hours a week, so I end up doing a lot of it alone most of the time. I’m lucky that my parents are only an hour flight (though once kid 2 is here, I suspect I’ll be choosing the 6+ hour drive version of the trip more) away and a few times when H knew it was going to be extra extra bad, I went to them for extended visits. My dad was retired and able to help during the day and my mom would help after work and on weekends. My mom is now retired too, so I imagine this will be even better the next time around.
my ILs live on the other side of the country, and MIL can be a bit too difficult for me to tolerate at times. BUT right now they’re in town for a very extended visit. They’re able to take DD for the afternoon a couple times a week, and it’s the best thing in the world. I GET why people ask for and willingly accept lots of help now.
Me: 30 DH: 32 ~~ TTC #1: Sep 2015 ~~ BFP: Mar 2016 ~~ Daughter: Nov 2016 TTC #2: April 2018 ~~ BFP: May 2018 ~~ EDD: January 2019
cait32 great advice! Yes, I can definitely say that and keep it flexible. Luckily I also think she is the type to do all the housework cause she knows I want to hold baby. But we all have that moment where we've had enough of our families so holding off is probably best!
I want them to be around and involved, I just don't want them so involved that they feel like they have the right to undermine my parenting choices. Luckily we are in a situation to make that choice which I acknowledge not everyone is.
This!
YES to all this. I want my inlaws to be involved, but also to have boundaries and realize this is OUR child, not theirs. My in-laws have a bizarre relationship with my wife and my brother in law where they share every minuscule detail about each others lives...to the point where information that I do not feel is appropriate to share about my own life (such as my salary increase amount when I switched jobs) gets freely discussed. I've spoken to my wife multiple times about what I feel comfortable and not comfortable sharing with them and she still doesn't always get it because it's how she grew up. I am close with my mom and love her, I tell her important things, but the level of sharing my in-laws and my wife's immediate family have seems unhealthy and intrusive. And because this is the culture of their family, they feel entitled to all sorts of information.
My FIL is already making passive-aggressive comments constantly about how we don't want to find out the sex of the baby (we know but just aren't sharing...and I think I'm so adamant specifically because of my ILs and how much I dislike this). My MIL asked my wife in a private message if we could see or were told anything about the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan on Monday, and that pissed me off because we've been explicit that we won't be asking or finding out the sex. My wife claimed she said no, that we weren't able to see. I got mad and said that they need to respect our (fake) desire to not know, and to stop asking. She said its just because everyone's so excited about the baby and wants to be involved -- exactly! We know it's a baby, and that it's healthy. We told you that. THERE. YOU'RE INVOLVED! Part of me doesn't trust that my wife can even go the next 20 or so weeks without telling them, but I'm choosing to have faith.
They already make comments about a whole lot of stuff that I don't want to hear and I know it's going to be even more with the baby when it arrives. LAWD give us strength to breathe and handle the crazy families we married into!!
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone) IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear! IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
@leighbrek YES! I've gotten a lot of New Year's baby comments, and a ton of "maybe they'll be born in 2 different years (12/31/18 & 1/1/19)". So repetitive.
Also, if one more person asks me to touch my belly, I will start attaching a sign to my stomach saying they can't.
As someone who doesn’t have help I encourage moms that if they have family close by to use it. It’s hard raising children alone and away from family! It’s literally on me and my husband (sometimes just me) to provide all the care and it’s daunting. When I see people can just drop their kids off at a grandparents house and go out for a date night, I get so jealous! If you have that opportunity, know that you are extremely lucky to be in that situation and use it.
Agreeeeed!!! Now that’s not to say you can’t ever vent about the tensions that come with receiving help from family members but I so wish we had family close by! We’re in VA and our families are in IL & CA. I envy the Braverman’s every time I see Parenthood. Haha!
@al_vy My least favorite comments when I was carrying my twins were "Oh, those are going to be really small babies...you are too little to have two healthy babies in there" or on the complete flip side (but more accurate) "whoa, you look really uncomfortable." Eyeroll all around.
Re: Say what????
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
Ugh... well all you can do then is go: okay dad, and just keep doing what your doc says.... Its tough when ppl don't trust the best info. For sure you will NOT starve your baby... the need micronutrients a ton more than they need you to eat carbs
Also, my mother keeps telling me I won’t be able to take care of an infant without help because my DH works on the road during the week. Her reasoning is that she had a hard time raising kids by herself when my dad (they’re divorced now) worked on the road during the week, so therefore I’ll never be able to do it. This is a constant thing with her, she believes anything she struggled with I could never do. It’s not like I think it’ll be easy, but I’m determined to at least try manage on my own before I throw in the towel.
SIL “found out” she was 8 months pregnant right after her wedding. She and her H were not ready/mature enough to get married, let alone have a baby, so MIL helped out a ton with their baby. When he was 4 months old, she got pregnant again.
Now SIL has 3 kids; the oldest just turned 7. She and her family go over to my IL’s every night. MIL cooks dinner for all of them. Basically, they sleep and shower at their house and spend the rest of the time at my IL’s. It’s led to extremely lazy parenting by SIL and BIL because they’re content to let the IL’s take charge. It’s so bizarre to me.
DH and I currently live 2.5 hours away from his family, but we may move near them next year. It will be interesting to see how our different dynamics play out.
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
exactly! Help is great! And I'm going to have help, but I want to make my own family traditions and our own way of raising this girl.
@dragonette505 One of the reasons I'm so conflicted about even complaining about the situation is because I DON'T want the kind of help she offers SIL. I have no interest in my in laws or my own family for that matter being so intimately involved in my parenting. But at the same time I sit back and watch what happens with SIL and see how my DH and DD are kind of left in the dark because of it sometimes and that's the part that makes me so angry.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
On the one hand I am sooo grateful to not need that level of help, but I know my son will never be as close with those grandparents as his cousins and it makes me sad. My husband is kind of the golden child while his sisters were always much more needy (the 27 year old also still lives with my IL's) so I feel like they kind of forget about us. They'll all go on vacation together, or go to dinner and a show in the city we live in, and never even think to invite us. I don't really care that much but I hope my son doesn't become the forgotten grandchild.
My mom was really insistent that we spent Christmas at home in the morning and opened our own gifts before going to visit the grandparents in the evening. Lots of the other grandkids carted their gifts over first thing in the morning and opened them all at once. Again, i treasure our own nuclear family having its own unique traditions and some space to just be ourselves.
@kaf1788 Yikes! We basically all do have the same in laws. But that also means we’re juat all the amazing, self suficinent, and competent ones in our families.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
DH and I have never lived at home as adults, live several hours away (and at times in different states) than either of our parents and don't need or accept the help (financially or otherwise). Obviously it would be lovely to have extra hands around when the baby comes but to be honest, I would rather hire paid help (nanny, grocery delivery, house keeper, etc) than take favors that come with a side helping of guilt and obligation. I want them to be around and involved, I just don't want them so involved that they feel like they have the right to undermine my parenting choices. Luckily we are in a situation to make that choice which I acknowledge not everyone is.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19.
Full disclosure, my mom lives WITH me. She is not super healthy (which is why we have her) so its not like she will be my child care, but i will benefit from her experience in raising 6 kids and some help keeping an eye on the kiddo when shes too small to get into too much trouble. My mom is super respectful of us though and we are not worried she will try to take over.
Married: November 2015
TTC#1: January 2016
BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
DD Born 06/23/17
TFAS: April 2018
BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19
*TW loss and children mentioned*
Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen
Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
Married: 8/11/2007
DD: Born 2/3/17
BFP#2: 5/3, EDD 1/10/19
I totally got you! Was very nice of you to remind (especially us inexperienced moms to be) that help WILL be needed. Ive seen some of my friends do it without help and it looked a hot mess...i don't wanna get to that level if i don't have to. And I know for me i can call big bro or big sis and they will ride to my rescue when I'm drowning.
LOL! I love that! EVERYONE has some opinion about babies! I'm so curious what he thinks it will do to the skin!!!
provide all the care and it’s daunting. When I see people can just drop their kids off at a grandparents house and go out for a date night, I get so jealous! If you have that opportunity, know that you are extremely lucky to be in that situation and use it.
the trip more) away and a few times when H knew it was going to be extra extra bad, I went to them for extended visits. My dad was retired and able to help during the day and my mom would help after work and on weekends. My mom is now retired too, so I imagine this will be even better the next time around.
my ILs live on the other side of the country, and MIL can be a bit too difficult for me to tolerate at times. BUT right now they’re in town for a very extended visit. They’re able to take DD for the afternoon a couple times a week, and it’s the best thing in the world. I GET why people ask for and willingly accept lots of help now.
TTC #2: April 2018 ~~ BFP: May 2018 ~~ EDD: January 2019
CAN WE NOT.
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
My FIL is already making passive-aggressive comments constantly about how we don't want to find out the sex of the baby (we know but just aren't sharing...and I think I'm so adamant specifically because of my ILs and how much I dislike this). My MIL asked my wife in a private message if we could see or were told anything about the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan on Monday, and that pissed me off because we've been explicit that we won't be asking or finding out the sex. My wife claimed she said no, that we weren't able to see. I got mad and said that they need to respect our (fake) desire to not know, and to stop asking. She said its just because everyone's so excited about the baby and wants to be involved -- exactly! We know it's a baby, and that it's healthy. We told you that. THERE. YOU'RE INVOLVED! Part of me doesn't trust that my wife can even go the next 20 or so weeks without telling them, but I'm choosing to have faith.
They already make comments about a whole lot of stuff that I don't want to hear and I know it's going to be even more with the baby when it arrives. LAWD give us strength to breathe and handle the crazy families we married into!!
My wife and I have conceived a babe with my body and frozen donor sperm through IUI, with medication support (clomid, ovidrel, and injections of progesterone)
IUI #1, #2, and #3: Dec 2017, Jan 2018, and Feb 2018 - all BFN
HSG Test: April 2018 - all clear!
IUI #4: April 15/16, 2018 - BFP!! EDD: Jan 7, 2019
Trust me, I know. I hear it all the time. But my doctor isn't concerned, so neither am I.
Repetitive, annoying... Just say congrats and move on!
Also, if one more person asks me to touch my belly, I will start attaching a sign to my stomach saying they can't.