Honestly I think his perception is screwed up because he was raised by a single mom and he himself rarely needs to ask for help cause he just figures shit out himself. But we’ve had multiple conversations about how we’re supposed to be partners, we help the other out when needed, and that everything in this house comes first.
He’s apologized for the comment, but I wonder if he actually understands what was wrong with it since he’s a pretty hands on dad and I usually never have to ask for help with the kids. He just jumps in when he gets home because he wants to. I’ll be bringing it up at the next counseling session, because there will be blood if I ever hear that again!!
@krzyriver when DH apologizes for something I ask him exactly what he's apologizing for so I know he feels apologetic over what he said/did and isn't just blanket apologizing because I'm upset. I don't need blanket apologies I need to know he knows what was done is wrong or hurtful and that he'll do his best to not let it happen again
@mamabearcj Oh yeah, I’ve definitely educated H on the proper way to apologize. Lol. I just feel like there’s a disconnect... like he *knows* why it was wrong but I don’t think he totally *understands* why it was wrong... if that makes sense????
My husband is a very thoughtful, helpful and caring guy. He does a lot for me, always has. Ive always known that I'm a lucky girl to have a guy like him as he's very different from most guys I hear about. But for some reason with this pregnancy, he's constantly making snide remarks and starting fights with me about how little I do around the house. Given my full time job vs his part time job, and the fact we have a preschooler, I have about 2 hours a day to myself (which I spend with him unwinding on the couch) and he has probably more like 8 hours to himself. He also goes out two nights a week, sometimes more. I have dinner with a friend maybe once every three months. In my head I'm thinking, damn right you should be doing more than me around the house, I'm struggling with being an older mum, pregnant with all the aches, pains, nausea, etc. But to him I'm just lazy.
I'm sorry @luckymum2018. That's really frustrating. It might be worth trying to sit down and talk to him about it when you're both in an okay mood. Explain how it's hurtful and how you're already working to your full capacity. I don't think many of our partners realize how hard being pregnant is.
Thanks @sammierose464, yeah I know I really need to talk to him. I'm just chicken. Any time I try to tell him I'm upset about something it becomes a big fight because he NEVER thinks he does anything wrong and will always twist things around on me. Then he gets upset because he thinks I think hes a bad person. The only way our discussions about my feelings end is in arguments and the only way our arguments end is with me crying and feeling like nothing I've said has been heard.
@luckymum2018 - I’m sorry you aren’t being heard by your husband. I don’t know if you have considered this, but you might want to look into marriage counseling. Going through that process would help the two of you learn how to more effectively communicate with each other. It is far better to seek out counseling early than waiting until your relationship is already in crisis.
@luckymum2018 I totally feel you about your/husbands arguing style. Same happens over here and the hormones are making my waterworks much worse. I hate feeling like I can’t stand up for myself and that’s just so frustrating and makes me feel small. I’m sorry he says that stuff. Sounds very unfair. Maybe he is feeling inadequate and in some twisted way trying to make himself feel better about himself. No clue, and unacceptable regardless. I hope you can have a productive conversation.
@luckymum2018 I totally understand. It can get that way at my house too, and so I have to find the right way to approach it. After DH told me he didn't think I got that I was doing things for my baby's health the best way to for me to approach it was telling him I was feeling. Not about what he said, but overall how I was feeling. I told him I was scared and we talked about why (my GD screen) and then I worked in how his comment made it worse.
@luckymom2018 the way your husband is acting has me concerned. He sounds like he's being manipulative and emotionally abusive to you and your feelings. DH used to do this and it would get really bad. He would have mood swings and be so nasty and take every feeling he had out on me, and the next thing I know he's apologetic and we can talk about things and what caused the bad mood and what he can do to avoid it. We worked through it but it took a long long time. He did some personal counseling for a short time and we got a few option on how to manage his feelings. He wont do any form of couples counseling though(I believe he refused because he was afraid he'd be the one thought of as the bad guy though that wouldn't be the case). We've been through a lot but we found a way to get through his moods and they've subsided a lot.
I really think your husband is trying to be in control of the situation and you and it can be a really dangerous place to be in, especially being pregnant and in a state where sometimes you need to depend on him more than normal. Hormones make you feel all kinds of ways and he needs to be open receptive to that. I have never been to counseling but I would suggest looking into it whether you go by yourself or with DH and see if you can find a way to work through both of your feelings in a healthy way
@luckymum2018 I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said. I second everything mamabearcj said. I would also recommend counseling. His behavior is disrespectful and concerning.
Thank you for your responses everyone, I really appreciate the support and suggestions. I honestly dont feel like hes abusive, he just comes across like a brat sometimes ha ha. He can be very bossy, yes manipulative, loves being passive agressive and because he is a smart guy with a really good memory, he thinks he can never be wrong. My memory isn't great which we both know, but i know often I am right. But to him it means that anytime we remember things differently then theres zero possibility that I might be the one remembering things accurately.
And I know that I make matters worse because I avoid discussions with him because I dont want to argue. I shut down when we do. He feels communication is really important and wants to keep "discussing things" until they are resolved. But because he'll never admit to being wrong, the only way to end the never ending argument is to either give up and say hes right and I'm wrong or shut down and go cry. Lol.
I'm a terrible communicator. I think I probably need to seek a counselor for myself to help me find my voice and confidence in myself but I cant keep it a secret from him but i also dont want him to know or he'll worry about why i think i need a counselor. He does worry about me a lot. And making him worry about me is only going to add to his stress which I dont want to do. I guess I'm a fool because I'd rather take on the stress myself and bottle it up. Yup. I'm dumb. Ha ha he probably is always right.
@luckymum2018 - I didn't want you to come back to your post and not see any responses to your comment, so I will say that I sent you a private message and hope that you see it soon
What. The. F***!!!! My H just asked if we could discuss something.... and then informed me that the stupid soccer tournament is happening again the weekend after this. So we just had that huge blowout and now he wants to referee again. He seriously has no idea how much that upset me or how much I struggled that day. I couldn’t be any angrier than I am right now. Why would he bring this up literally 3 days later?
I swear @krzyriver they can be so selfish sometimes. Maybe he doesn’t realize how upset you actually were/are? He could be so focused on his stuff that unless you make a scene so to speak he won’t notice you aren’t happy.
@jynjer91 He realizes, he just wants this bad enough to not care. I’m so confused. Things were going so good and he promised he was going to be more supportive and we were going to spend more quality time together. He got pissy and said fine, I won’t go. I don’t believe him and I’m too tired to keep fighting so I told him to go
I hate the fights that turn out that way. DH is way more social than I am, and even more so currently. And summer is riding season, so there are group rides all the time. He could easily have club stuff fri-mon (Monday is clubhouse cleaning). I have to put my foot down on weekends we have SS and tell him he cant be gone all weekend. Sometimes I'll even give him chores he has to accomplish before going do I dont feel bitter.
It's hard when it turns into a fight because then it feels like no one wins
Re: Partner/Spouse Complaint Zone
Honestly I think his perception is screwed up because he was raised by a single mom and he himself rarely needs to ask for help cause he just figures shit out himself. But we’ve had multiple conversations about how we’re supposed to be partners, we help the other out when needed, and that everything in this house comes first.
He’s apologized for the comment, but I wonder if he actually understands what was wrong with it since he’s a pretty hands on dad and I usually never have to ask for help with the kids. He just jumps in when he gets home because he wants to. I’ll be bringing it up at the next counseling session, because there will be blood if I ever hear that again!!
ETA because typing is hard.
DH used to do this and it would get really bad. He would have mood swings and be so nasty and take every feeling he had out on me, and the next thing I know he's apologetic and we can talk about things and what caused the bad mood and what he can do to avoid it. We worked through it but it took a long long time. He did some personal counseling for a short time and we got a few option on how to manage his feelings. He wont do any form of couples counseling though(I believe he refused because he was afraid he'd be the one thought of as the bad guy though that wouldn't be the case). We've been through a lot but we found a way to get through his moods and they've subsided a lot.
I really think your husband is trying to be in control of the situation and you and it can be a really dangerous place to be in, especially being pregnant and in a state where sometimes you need to depend on him more than normal. Hormones make you feel all kinds of ways and he needs to be open receptive to that. I have never been to counseling but I would suggest looking into it whether you go by yourself or with DH and see if you can find a way to work through both of your feelings in a healthy way
And I know that I make matters worse because I avoid discussions with him because I dont want to argue. I shut down when we do. He feels communication is really important and wants to keep "discussing things" until they are resolved. But because he'll never admit to being wrong, the only way to end the never ending argument is to either give up and say hes right and I'm wrong or shut down and go cry. Lol.
I'm a terrible communicator. I think I probably need to seek a counselor for myself to help me find my voice and confidence in myself but I cant keep it a secret from him but i also dont want him to know or he'll worry about why i think i need a counselor. He does worry about me a lot. And making him worry about me is only going to add to his stress which I dont want to do. I guess I'm a fool because I'd rather take on the stress myself and bottle it up. Yup. I'm dumb. Ha ha he probably is always right.
It's hard when it turns into a fight because then it feels like no one wins