Partner/Spouse Complaint Zone

HoosOnFirst

Here’s a place to vent about your spouses and partners, grievances both large and small welcome!

jynjer4

Hah love this thread! 

SweetSweetTooth

Lots were complaining saying their spouse was grumpy. Of course mine came home crabby. Hope he snaps out of it and that I don't let it drag me down to crabby land too. 

Laumb11

Oh man I can probably update everyday! lol 

cdepperschmidt

So my H wanted sexy time last time at like 9:45 so obviously that was a no. After I turned him down he started bitching about how I didn’t wear a sexy bra for his birthday. I was like uhhhh, I’m probably the worst wife ever, but that shit literally never crosses my mind.

mamat2be

@cdepperschmidt sexy bra?? What’s that?  I’m just glad I have a couple right now that are still comfortable enough to wear!

cdepperschmidt

@mamat2be I don’t even think the ones he ha sin mind fit. I’m sure he doesn’t care, but I do...

hellopartyof5

Omg my husband doesn't care if I'm wearing an old sports bra at this point. He's so desperate for a little something something lol

cjx95

@hellopartyof5 same here lol I feel bad.. I'll be in the moment, go pee quick, then just lose all ambition to do anything. DH is so understanding thankfully

HoosOnFirst

Dh didn’t touch a dish all week. This morning I’ve been up with our toddler since 715, he rolls downstairs at 915 to see me doing dishes, fuming. He asks what’s wrong. I say “nothing”. And then? He asks again. Boy, don’t poke the bear.

linssears4

At least your DHs want sexy time!!!!! Mine still has no interest, like, literally no sec drive. I’m still blaming the fire academy but it makes me feel pretty terrible and lonely.  I think he needs to get his testosterone levels checked but of course I suggest that and he gets defensive 

mamat2be

WARNING: This may end up being a long one!

I need to vent. I need advice. I just need help! I’ve known my husband for 4 years now, and when we met he was vaping to “quit” from smoking. He had already been using it for a year and is still very much vaping. (Now I have never had to quit something like that so to all that have, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be. But I do believe after 5 years this is no longer his way of quitting smoking, now it’s just a different habit altogether) So H and I had many discussions prior to even TTC that I wanted him
to be off the vaping when we conceived. It also took 8-9 months to conceive and he very much is still using it. I don’t know how safe/unsafe they are and that’s not the feedback I want on this. In my opinion no matter what I hear, they haven’t been around long enough for research to show side effects of second hand or not. What I am so upset about is that this comes up so often with us and it 9 times out of 10 turns into a fight. I feel like I keep trying to compromise and find ways that will help allow him to work towards quitting while still knowing it’s going to take some time but I am ALWAYS the bad guy. I’ve asked him to not do it in the house (garage or outside only) but still caught him using it in the house 1. When he thought I couldn’t hear it or 2. Without even realizing it when he first woke up! So next I asked he always leave it on the kitchen table because if he falls asleep and it’s within arms reach he’ll literally go to grab for it in the morning without even knowing he’s doing it. Now yesterday he was walking around with it in his pocket and same for this morning. And I am always always the horrible one bc I’m the nag that brings this up. It’s just so upsetting to me about so many different things. I have never once said just stop right this second or thrown it out or run it over with my car, which quite frankly I REALLY want to do this morning! It’s upsetting bc the second we found out we were pregnant, I had to immediately give up a bunch of stuff (not complaining at all, just saying) and he gets to still slowly quit something he’s been supposedly “quitting” for 5 years now? I feel like he thinks I pick this fight just to fight but it’s not about me anymore. It’s about our baby and I am so upset he doesn’t get that. Shouldn’t that be reason enough and motivation enough to quit? I truly don’t know what to do anymore other than give up altogether and never say anything about it again, but how could I? Who’s going to fight for our baby and keep our baby as safe as possible if I won’t? No one. I’m angry and fed up and sad and I truly don’t know what to do anymore. 

chyvie

My personal experience with smoking was it was way easier to cut cold turkey than to cut down or use a patch. I smoked for 14 years before quitting for good after three attempts. I quit cold turkey for a year and a half before meeting my DH and then found out he smoked socially 3 months into our relationship. I then started smoking socially with his friends because I was around it so much and at that time people smoked inside. then it turned into full blown all day everyday again. I then tried to cut down and only smoke on weekends or while drinking and it didn't last very long. When DH and I knew we were going to start a family we both agreed to quit for good and that was 2.5 year ago and never looked back. We promised we would never even take a drag or anything and that is the easiest way to stop it for good. It also helps than most of his friends quite around the same time .Which is a big part of it because if you are around it then it becomes even harder to quit. 

I hope you can have a talk with him to discuss your needs and expectations and he would either quit or for sure not smoke in the house when baby comes. Vaping is still not good second hand as you said.

cjx95

If he wouldn't smoke a cigarette in the house he shouldn't be vaping in the house. My husband vapes as well and I don't mind it though it isn't my favorite. Same excuse, it's to quite smoking and he's been doing it for close to 3 years.
I'd ask your husband to keep his vape in the garage if he can't follow simply keeping it in the kitchen. Maybe try explaining that you don't feel it's fair for him to be able to do everything you both agreed would stop once you conceived just because he's not the one carrying the baby. You have every right to be irritated and upset.
Side note: do you know if he's been vaping juice at the same nicotine levels for the last 5 years or if he's been going down In nicotine levels? When DH first started vaping he was at like 8mg and starting cutting back from there now he's at a 3mg or sometimes 0. He mostly vapes because it's going through the motions of bringing it to his mouth inhaling and blowing smoke... he doesn't even need it for the nicotine now. I  Agree with @chyvie that the best way is probably cold turkey but I've also never had to quite something like that so I don't know for sure. All he's doing is prolonging how long he's smoking/vaping... 

rc-cola

@linssears4 that’s really hard! My husband has a much lower sex drive than I do, which can be very frustrating. One thing that has helped us is being physical without him necessarily always needing to “perform.” For example using toys together or non penetrative sex. Often starting that way gets him turned on and we end up having more sex as a result. 

@mamat2be That also sounds really hard. Would he be open to help quitting? Like therapy or hypnosis? Maybe he needs more to break the habit since it sounds like in his mind he’s already downgraded from cigarettes. Do you think deep down he wants to quit or does he disagree with you that it should happen with a baby on the way?

kiwi2628

@mamat2be this may be an UO/a bit of tough love, so please dont read if thats not what you are in the mood for, but if it really was important to you both, he should have stopped before TTC. You said you wanted him to stop before you conceived, but since you actively tried with him and he was still vaping, you effectively told him that it wasn't as important to you as you are now saying it is. You have to decide if you can negotiate with him or if this is your hill to die on, because for any addiction, it has to come from him to want to stop, and from his actions, he doesn't want to. Whether it is sugar or cigarettes or drugs, people only stop doing something for good when they internally want to stop, not when an external force is telling them to stop. At this point you can express your displeasure and ask him to stop, but if he doesn't, you will have to negotiate what you are ok with living with. I think PP advice about only vaping outside, or only vaping on weekends or something may be a good negotiation. 

sammierose464

That's really hard. DH heavily smoked cigars. He started vaping for the same reason, to cut back on cigars. At least it smells better... And he doesn't have much nicotine in it.

I have made it very clear that it is not allowed in the house, even when I'm not around. He also does not do either (cigars or vape) around me now that I'm pregnant. The smell of cigars makes me gag. 

You have to set the expectations and make him understand why. Tell him it's for the health of the baby and it's both of your responsibility to be healthy.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's not easy.

Laumb11

@mamat2be I have no tolerance for smoking and agree with @kiwi2628, it should have been stopped a long time ago if that was your deal. I tried dating someone who smoked and they had told me they quit, but kept sneaking it, it just didn't work out. I can't handle being a nag about something I hate and if they aren't going to stop it wasn't up to me to make them. It was only a boyfriend with no child on the way so your situation is hard. I would tell him straight out you both had an agreement and he needs to stop. 

mamat2be

Thank you everyone for hearing me out and all the good pieces of advice. We had a couple long conversations today. I was surprised to hear him say that if it wasn’t for me and the baby, he would be perfectly fine continuing to vape and it’s something he enjoys doing. He had never expressed that to me before, and I really thought him quitting was his end goal too and not just mine. We’re still not totally on the same page about our feelings regarding the issue. He still thinks it’s really not a big deal while I find many negatives to him continuing, but he is still saying he will continue to cut down on his nicotine levels and only do it outside of the house with his goal being to completely quit before baby arrives. I know I can tell him how I feel until I’m blue in the face, but it is true that he is not going to do anything about it until he truly wants to quit. He has come a long way since he started cutting back, and although I wish it was happening quicker than it is, I can only hope he really does do away with it before baby comes. Thank you all for the support 

rc-cola

I’m going to try to keep this short. So my H and I live in a fairly large 1 BR in Brooklyn. We have decided not to move until the baby needs their own room since we pay well below market rate. Our BR is huge and we are going to section off part of it for a nursery.

A few years ago my H bought a weight bench which he  does use but not as often as he used to. It takes up the corner of the bedroom that is perfect for a nursery. There is really no other good space. I assumed he’s just been waiting to get rid of it or put it in storage but when I asked him about it he said he will just fold it up when he’s not using it. That really impedes my ability to make the nursery part a cozy space! I don’t want it to be a gym/nursery. Also, my husband works for a gym that is only 3 blocks from our apartment and which we both have free memberships to. He really doesn’t need it in the house! The more I tell him to get rid of it the more adamant he is about keeping it. Arggggg! Of course I’m glad he wants to stay in shape but we really don’t have space for it!

Ok I failed at keeping this short. Vent over!

sliztee

@rc-cola Men...always last to see the big picture.

dash83

@rc-cola hopefully when you start loading in ALL the baby gear he will see the error in his ways. You need a clutter free space, especially if you have to get up in the middle of the night, in the dark for feedings etc. ! 

krzyriver

My H typically works Monday-Saturday in the spring and summer since he does landscaping. Asking him to take a day off is like pulling teeth. He always says he'll try, but that he needs to give 3 weeks notice. Since we were moving Sunday (and it was my birthday) of course I suggested taking Saturday off to finish packing. Nope. He said there was no point and he'd get all the packing done beforehand so we could do all the moving Sunday and celebrate my birthday Monday. He did NOT get it all done Sunday and we spent yesterday finishing everything up and barely had time to sit down and eat a slice of cake together. He just texted me to tell me that he's requesting next Saturday off to help his uncle (who he hates) move. I could kill him.

rc-cola

@krzyriver ahhh that would drive me crazy. It may even be because he doesn’t get along with his uncle that he’s more willing to bend for him. It’s so easy to be less flexible when we know people to love us and we don’t need to “earn” it.

krzyriver

@rc-cola Normally I would say yes, absolutely. My H almost *needs* people to love him, so he's crazy flexible with other people where I often get shorted. But I don't think that's the case here. He honestly doesn't want anything to do with the guy because of the way he treated his mom before she died. So he's definitely not trying to win any points. I think he's hoping that once the guy is moved out of my BIL's place and into his own home (two hours away) that he'll never have to deal with the guy again.

jynjer4

I don’t even have words right now. If only I had your eloquence @knottieamusements. So H (not DH right now) has been working on replacing the clutch on his work truck on top of his usual work. He’s not a mechanic but has been learning how to do stuff and after watching a million YouTube videos, decided he could do it. He doesn’t have a shop or the right tools (he did buy most of what he needs now) and it’s been one hit on the head after the other. Literally. I’ve been supportive and have happily done everything he asked me to like running to get stuff (mainly a huge transmission jack that I could barely fit in my car) and handing him tools but he doesn’t even want me around anymore. Cool. I didn’t want to be around anyways. This afternoon was the last straw though. After asking me to go get an even bigger jack (sunbelt doesn’t have any) he told me to leave him alone when I asked if he wanted me to try to find one somewhere else. His last text was literally “leave me alone.” I didn’t do a single thing wrong but somehow I’m the one who gets bitched at. I’m thiiiiis close to telling him I don’t want him at my AS that’s in less than 2 hrs. I truly don’t even want him there right now. I understand he’s frustrated and it has nothing to do with me but he was mean enough today he finally made me cry. I feel bad for being mad at him because I know he’s just so stressed but I am upset. I don’t know how to help or wtf to do right now. Guess I’ll “leave him alone” and hope he loses track of time or decides not to come. 

krzyriver

@jynjer91 I'm so sorry he' acting like that. It doesn't excuse it, but sometimes it's just too easy to take things out on people we know love us and will forgive us. H and I do it to each other far too often. I hope he realizes what he did wrong and you guys are able to sort things out before your AS. Hugs mama!

knottieamusements

@jynjer91  - I’m so sorry that your H is being an ass.  It might be time for a come to Jesus meeting.  

SweetSweetTooth

@jynjer91 Also realize he may be frustrated that he can't do the work even after thinking he can. He is frustrated but maybe he isn't frustrated at you. He may be saying leave him alone because he knows he will get upset at you when it isn't you he is upset with. if you are texting you can always ask, are you mad at me or just the car repair?

jynjer4

@SweetSweetTooth I know it’s not me...and that’s exactly what it is! He’s frustrated with himself. Speak of the devil, he just got home. My dad is flying in to help with the truck tomorrow. He’s in somewhat of a better mood now. Just seems kinda deflated. We live in CO where weed is legal so he self medicated when he got home and seems to be in a better mood already. Now I’m really glad I didn’t kick him out of my AS. That would only have made him feel worse about himself. I feel better too since we talked a bit and I vented here! Thanks!

jynjer4

@knottieamusements After his language today he needs a come to Jesus meeting!! 

SweetSweetTooth

@jynjer91 glad to hear you didn't kick him out and that things seem on the mend! 

mamat2be

Just a side note I thought I’d add as I’m laying in bed having trouble sleeping at 1:30am and eating one of my favorite childhood snacks, Keebler Vienna fingers  It’s a challenge to not be on the same page as DH (which I’m glad to want to add the D again!) I’m truly not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I think I’m finding that a lot of this boils down to...it seems to me it takes longer for the pregnancy and the fact that there is actually a baby on the way to sink in with our spouses/partners than us. Like with my DH vaping and another’s not wanting to move the gym equipment and such. I think it’s just so much more real for us right now, and I truly feel in my heart that I think when baby arrives, it’ll really hit home with our spouses/partners and the things they are not so willing to change right now will no longer matter when that day comes...there’s my piece of optimism for the week   

sammierose464

I agree @mamat2be. DH and I talk about how crazy it still is. I'll make comments about still not believing I'm growing a child and he responds with "how do you think I feeI?"

SweetSweetTooth

@mamat2be yup! Think about it. We can feel all these crazy changes in our bodies. And there are like three months before they can see any drastic changes. So we have a minimum of a three month head start on it settling in. So yes not an excuse but maybe extend a little extra grace their way  

mamat2be

Ps I just want to throw this out there as well...just bc I posted my last message does not in any way mean I am against this message board. I am very pro complaining and venting and this is probably the one message board that will help keep me the most sane throughout this whole process! Sure I have my moments of being able to step back and be more reasonable sometimes but I support the venting and fully intend on continuing to do so myself when needed! So vent away ladies...I’m all ears!

mytrueloves

If I don't strangle DF by the time he goes to work, it'll be a good day.
He's just got a bad attitude and is being a butt.

nasalot188

This one is getting a bump!

I was infuriated with H this past weekend. First off it was a long weekend for us for Canada Day. Friday we go to pick up DS from daycare together...on our way there H takes a super dangerous left turn with a motorcycle speeding right for him. Honestly I swear we just missed the bike. So of course I kind of freaked out and was like 'What the hell was that?!' He instantly went on the defensive and told me to STFU it was nothing. I was so mad, +hormones, I really started to yell at him. Said that bike was so close, the driver even gave my H the finger as we turned...and I just said like what if DS was in the car...that's so dangerous. 

Anyways, this of course ruined the whole night. We had dinner, put DS to bed and then H went downstairs and played video games all night and avoided me. Real mature I tell ya.

Saturday I woke up praying it would be a better day. He woke up still salty and nasty. I dragged his ass to a friends pool party anyways and everything got better after that. By Saturday night things were fine and the rest of the long weekend was great, thank god.

But seriously WTF is with men?! My H can't ever seem to admit when he might be the one in the wrong. Especially when it comes to driving. And one stupid fight ruins an entire evening +. 

Glad we were eventually able to enjoy our Canada Day long weekend, but man...'you have to love them even when you hate them' kept running through my head LOL

sammierose464

I forget this thread is here. @nasalot188 I would have been pissed too. As a rider myself, I would have been super pissed at your DH. It's so unsafe and stupid shit like that is what gets riders killed.

Hopefully things get better!  I feel your pain though because I'm ready to strangle DH 

chyvie

I would have been pissed too! No point in risking yours, babies and his life over waiting an extra 5 mins! 

Mylitta

I'm tired of H being tired. We're moving, he's doing most of it. I appreciate that - most of what he's moved I've been prepping for the past 1-2 months. I'm mentally burned out and done! Not to mention making a baby and taking care of a toddler. But I'm still trying to help. And do laundry, dishes, cook, shop, etc. 
He's over it after 1 WEEK! And needing naps and asking me to set up where we've moved to (a temp area) plus help pack. The only things he's packed I've been asking him to do for over a month! Its his stuff! But he's talking to me like I can't possibly understand and he just needs me to pitch in... um hello!
Sigh. And I'm doing it too. So hopefully we can get done and be on an even keel again.