May 2018 - FET

sungirl39 · June 2018

Even though I've been out for a few wks..I've been checking in and reading all the updates. I'm so sorry you guys, IF is shitty and unbelievably difficult. I hope we can all try again in a month or so...it will happen for us, we have to keep trying.

mrsyng · June 2018

Thanks @northbeach3. Truly sorry about your update too! Was really hoping at least someone out of 3 would get good news. Unfortunately, IF is cruel!!

We have another US but I’m not holding my breath, not even sure if we will make it to Friday. I was sent home with a tube to collect tissue, if/when MC happens which can be before or after Friday.

kristimh80 · June 2018

@northbeach3 Sending lots of hugs!!! My heart goes out to you

You're so right, IF f-ing sucks. We put our bodies thru so much mentally and physically. Many times I second guess it all and wonder wtf am I doing. I hope next week's appt. is over quickly and you'll be on your vacation and can escape for a little while.

edited: Just saw your update @mrsyng I am in shock they sent you home with a tube as well. Do they want you to collect tissue so can be tested? Guess if that's the case, then it's good they are being proactive trying to get some results for you. So sorry you're dealing with this.

northbeach3 · June 2018

Oh my gosh! A tube?!? That’s definitely a bit macabre. Doc said to stop meds today so might start mc’ing before procedure. Inherently I know it’s helpful to collect tissue but that’s a tall ask. I’m a wimp and would always pick the surgical procedure over trying to pass myself. I’m already scarred from the blood from spotting. Hoping to make it to the procedure next week. Sigh.

more14 · June 2018

@mrsyng so sorry about your update! This Friday is officially the worse! And they sent you home with a tube?!! In all honesty, I don't think I could handle that. I don't have a problem with blood and tissue but... Just no.
That said, I hope testing will give you an answer and maybe a new approach for the next time.

I hope you can all put this experience behind you but I also know each time we try and fail leaves a mark. IF is a curse and you are all so amazing and brave to be able to keep moving forward.
We're starngers, but you have my love and support and I'm thinking about all of you every day!

mrsyng · June 2018

Thank you ladies!

Yes, the sterile tube is to collect tissue if it happens naturally at home so they can test it for abnormalities, if we decide to go in that route. Hopefully, if I do, insurance will cover it as this is considered “repeated pregnancy loss.”

part of me wants to pass naturally to avoid possible scarring but I also know it could lead to a mmc which can result in a d&c and will be so much quicker. But we’ll wait until next Friday and if nothing happens, we’ll decide if d&c will be needed just to move everything quicker.

It’s so disappointing to get this far and then have it snatched away again!! With each failed attempt my “hope for a child/ren” dies just a little with it.

roisis · June 2018

Ladies, I'm in shock waking up this morning and seeing all your updates. I'm just so sad for each of you. This journey absolutely sucks, I really can't believe this. Looking back, so many people early in May didn't get their happy results, but I really thought we were going to finish strong and now to see all those wonderful happy chances stolen away is just so heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you all

@mayflower513 This must be such a shock for you, as you didn't have any indication things were going this way. I'm not sure if you had banked any frozen embryos? I'm just so sorry.
@northbeach3 I know you were a little prepared but you've had such a rough year this year, it's just so unfair, I'm so so sorry. I know what you mean about wishing for testing. Is this an option at this stage? (it's not a possibility in my clinic). After your D&C will they test - this may give you some answers? Take it easy, and try to enjoy your vacation. You deserve a break.
@mrsyng I'm just so sorry, I know waiting is the worst, in a way it's better to have a definite answer.
In regards to the tube (my own story below *TW*):

I don't like to generally talk about this - this is a bit grosse and tmi, but it for once sounds relevant. I had a complete m/c at 9wks last year which came as a shock. I had no cramping or spotting and was on vacation in New York when I went to the bathroom and felt something pass. As I say - no pain but I felt something come out. I looked down and was briefly in shock that I had passed something that - while I refused to believe it at the time - looking back I am sure was the embryo, or part thereof. I convinced myself that it was just a clot or remnants of the crinone gel I had just finished with and tried not to look too closely. I did the only thing I could do at the time which was to flush it away (this still disturbs me at night). I tried my best to put it out of my head, I told DH afterwards but played it down. I thought that as I had no spotting or cramping I was fine. 2 days later when I got home to Ireland the cramping and spotting started and by the time they scanned me in the hospital they said I had passed everything.
I only tell you this now so you may know what to expect - I don't mean to be macabre of shocking. The truth is, this time, I constantly think I should have a little tupperware dish nearby, in case such a thing happens again. To be completely honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to pick it up if it does. It's not something that is nice to think about. I only told DH months later, I felt so guilty about it - even though I realise there wasn't anything different I could have done. If it does happen to you, you don't have to collect it if you don't feel up to it. I suspect they want it to perform some tests and give you some answers, but if it's too tough for you - you don't have to.
I'm sorry if this was upsetting to anyone - it wasn't my intention. These things are hard to talk about.

mayflower513 · June 2018

I’m so sorry @northbeach3 and @mrsyng this is just so awful and unfair.

TWs

@northbeach3 and @roisis Yes this was my first fresh transfer and I have 7 banked embryos, 5 excellent (4-5AA) quality (but so was this one...). I’m having a lot of trouble having faith right now. I think I’d feel better if it hadn’t implanted at all than knowing it implanted and stopped developing even though it looked better than all the other embryos. If this one didn’t make it why would the others (if they even implant)? I did not have them tested and the doctor didn’t recommend testing them at this point since this is my first “loss” ... my ectopic pregnancy still made it to 8 weeks and that baby was measuring on track with a heartbeat... in the wrong place. I asked if I should do a fresh transfer again instead of FET because the success rate is 25% for FET vs 30% for fresh and he said with 7 frozen embryos he didn’t think it made sense... not to mention I don’t want OHSS again.

I'm sure when the time comes I’ll do a FET. Right now I’m both unsure I can handle this again but at the same time scared that I couldn’t even do a FET cycle until October by the time I get to zero and have a 2nd period and our insurance plan resets 10/31 so I guess we’ll see. I hope we can be FET buddies @northbeach3

@mrsyng I can’t believe they gave you a tube. I really really hope things turn around and you’re surprised in a positive way. I think we all need that right now!

@roisis that story is so sad — how awful for you. I hope you and @more14 have success this month and can be done with all this (unless/until you want another baby).

tosh24 · June 2018

**lurking**

I am so broken hearted to see all of your updates. I was so hopeful that you would all have good news to share. IF sucks and it feels so hopeless, especially failure after failure. Add RPL to the mix and it's just excruciating. What some women have to go through to build the families that come so easily for most is completely unfair. I don't pretend to think there is a silver lining to any of this, but IF has definitely taught me some things. It's taught me that I can be badass and do things that terrify me. It's taught me that I can endure utter heartbreak and still get myself up in the morning. It's taught me that I can persevere in the face of repeated failure. It's taught me that just when I think I have nothing left, I can dig deeper and give IF one more "F- you". The days and weeks after loss are so sad and hopeless feeling - I hope you all will give yourself time to feel all the things you need to feel. I am wishing you peace and healing. Whenever you're ready, I know you all will muster up the strength to continue on your journeys. Because that's what IF warriors do. Your babies are waiting for you at the end of this exhausting path - and how sweet it will be to know that they were so wanted and so loved that you put yourself through the hardest thing you've ever had to do just to be able to be their moms. I am rooting for each and every one of you and can't wait to celebrate all of your successes soon

@mayflower513 I know it's so easy to get caught up in embryo grading, but try to remember once your blasts get to the freezing stage, visual embryo grades have nothing to do with their viability or ability to develop into a healthy baby. A chromosomally abnormal embryo can have a fantastic grade and a normal, viable embryo can have a lesser grade. I have seen it plenty of times on this board where some of the best graded embryos come back PGS abnormal and some of the worst embryos by visual quality come back as PGS normal. I went through 2 of my best embryos for my first two transfers and neither was successful. My third transfer with one of my lesser graded embryos has so far been the one to stick. You have a great number of embryos left and it is more than likely that your THB (or babies) is in that bunch.

*formatting

more14 · June 2018

@roisis so sorry you had to go through that ordeal! It sounds horrible! The no warning or signs is what really boggles the mind - you think everything is going right and BAM, your world is turned upside down.

@mayflower513 to be honest, I have zero confidence in this pregnancy. You all had much better chances then I - I think you all transferred 5day embryo and mine was only a 3day, you all had strong, doubling betas and mine was slow to double. I see so many with better chances (tested and better quality) not working and it makes me question my own chances for a viable, healthy pregnancy.
I know I should be optimistic, but some days I find myself doubting everything.

leilee101 · June 2018

I am heartbroken to pop over here and see these updates for you three beautiful women. This whole process is so cruel, but to have been given that little bit of hope and have it taken away, I have no words for that. Please take care of yourselves, I will be thinking of you all

linxyz · June 2018

Hi all, ive been lurking this thread(im on june FET thread) it is so heartbreaking to hear such news...infertility really does take a toll on you mentall and physically. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourselves!

@mayflower513 I have read a lot about ivfs and FETs from all sources(babycenter, reddit, studies) because I tend to obsess over these things. I find it strange that your clinic fresh cycle has better success than frozen. From my research, nationally, frozen cycles have improved and have beaten success rates of fresh cycles. My clinic, in fact, rarely does fresh cycles and I went straight for frozen cycle.

I do feel like our bodies need to recover from the egg retrievals. My first frozen cycle failed to implant, I felt my body was still out of whack(i didn’T ovulate until day 21).

Here is the article regarding fresh vs frozen cycles:https://www.advancedfertility.com/blog/is-fresh-or-frozen-embryo-transfer-better-for-ivf/

mayflower513 · June 2018

Thank you @linxyz — I had read the same and I’m not sure why my clinic would be different but they definitely said it was a bit lower with frozen. There is another clinic that has better rates and I think it’s the freezing technology that makes them better and, I thought about going with them but my doctor came highly recommended so I went with him instead. I did have implantation this round despite the moderate OHSS I had, but maybe it impacted the growth, I’ll never know.

thank you @tosh24 and @leilee101. @more14, please don’t think that those differences make you doomed - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, if it doesn’t work out for you in the end (and there’s no reason to think it won’t!) it could have nothing to do with any of those things.

roisis · June 2018

@mayflower513 I can completely understand your lack of faith in the process right now. As others have said, there's only so much that can be seen from the quality of the embryo - but bear in mind the clinic will only freeze those that they deem strong enough to survive. And it sounds like you have some good strong future candidates. Take some time to yourself and let yourself start to heal. There's no easy way to get through things like this, but time does slowly begin to help.

@northbeach3 Thinking of you, how are you holding up? Are you in for your d&c today?

@mrsyng How are you feeling?

@more14 I understand your doubts. Every day, I'm convinced something has gone wrong. I also didn't get my embryos tested and I only had the one Beta so I'm not feeling particularly confident right now either. Stupid IF leaves us with constant feelings of dread and doubt, and each good result seems to just lead to more anxiety. I know it sounds empty but try to stay positive. Things are still going according to plan - for the moment we just have to hang in there

northbeach3 · June 2018

Hi ladies, thank you all for the kind words. They mean so much and I even got teary eyes reading @tosh24’s post! I decided to take a board break over the weekend to focus on planning for our trip to Alaska in two weeks. I’m trying to find the few positives in having to go through this again so soon. I’m telling myself i “get my summer back”.

My doc couldn’t schedule my D&C until Wednesday morning! On the one hand, it’s good bc I have work meetings tmw that I couldn’t reschedule easily. On the other, I’m still struggling with symptoms and that’s just a mind fuck. Fortunately (?), no spotting or natural mc yet.

@mayflower513 I’ve transferred what appeared to be two well graded blasts and neither seemed to be the golden egg. My doc has said that sometimes it’s the less good looking ones that do the trick. During my jan IVF cycle, one of my cycle buddies transferred a lower graded embryo and had success. I’m sad to have not tested but recognize that I still have transfer opportunities. I know many women would be happy to have any eggs to try. I’m just at the place where I don’t know if I can mentally survive all these false starts. Like you said, I would have rather dealt with a CP than get to this point.

How are you holding up @mrsyng?

mayflower513 · June 2018

Omg ladies...I don’t even know what to think right now. I went to have the procedure this morning and they found the baby with a heartbeat. It measured a few days behind and couldn’t measure the heartbeat (although by counting they said they thought it was in range - they told my husband, not me, so idk what they counted it as) so I’m not totally in the clear... just a total rollercoaster. I go back Wednesday morning for a follow up ultrasound.

northbeach3 · June 2018

I know it’s hard to keep the faith @more14 and @rosis but that’s all we’ve got at this point! When I was at my lowest, you all still kept hope for me so I’m holding out hope for you two! We need some positives to come out of the May board!!

more14 · June 2018

@mayflower513 OMG! FX so hard right now!! A real WTH roller coaster that I hope will end up in a fun ride all the way to week 40! I'm in a restaurant and I half yelled "OMG" and people are looking at me funny but I don't care, because there's hope from you and that's a good thing

roisis · June 2018

@mayflower513 Holy WTF??! I just don't know what to say!! Wow, I'm sure you're in complete shock. Fingers crossed for you - that is so exciting. I am hoping and praying this is one those stories you'll be telling people for years to come

mayflower513 · June 2018

Thank you @more14 and @roisis

TW

When I got home I passed a very large clot and continued to bleed. I went back in and they did an US and baby was there measuring right on track (6w6d) with a HB of 135. I’m a little concerned because I had to take a small dose of Misoprostol (200 mcg) before the procedure so I’m nervous it will cause issues now... it could have caused the bleeding. The doctor isn’t concerned after this ultrasound but there are obviously no guarantees — I go back in a week to check on things, he wants to let things calm down before doing another US. I am still in shock I think.

leilee101 · June 2018

@mayflower513 holy crap your head must be spinning!! What a roller coaster.. what a determined little babe you’ve got in there!! Thinking of you girl and looking forward to nothing but positive updates

kristimh80 · June 2018

@mayflower513 Thinking of you!! Saying a prayer that everything Wednesday comes back good and there was nothing to worry over after all

mrsyng · June 2018

Hi ladies! Thank you for all the messages of comfort. And like @northbeach3 when I read the post from @tosh24, It brought tears to my eyes too! I even screen shot the post just so I can read again on those days I may be shitting on myself because of IF as a reminder that we are all strong.

I’ve been doing ok emotionally, slowly coming to terms of our possible loss as I’ve googled like a crazy person and appears about 1 in 10 people with my situation go on to have a successful outcome. I also warned my husband, if this next US goes well to not get our hopes up because some still go on to lose the pregnancy around 10-12 wks. The only symptoms I had were fatigue & breast/nipple tenderness but it seems the fatigue is gone , nipple tenderness is less and current breast tenderness may be due to the suppositories. I’m ready for my Friday US and hope to have a more definite yes/no answer to this pregnancy.

@mayflower513 while I was googling about my situation. I did run into a few blogs/comments about being misdiagnosed and your situation is certainly one of them where people schedule a d&c because of a blighted ovum then the baby and heart beat are both found at the scan for d&c. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!

northbeach3 · June 2018

Omg @mayflower513 what a wild ride! For a moment, I had a thought that something similar may happen to me and wondered what my reaction would be.

Had they had you stop meds? Are you back on them? How scary to have passed a clot/bled but glad they confirmed things are looking good! So glad that your story continues!!

northbeach3 · June 2018

@mrsyng googling certainly is stressful but I rationalize it as helping me prepare for a sad outcome. In your searching, did you read anything on success after late implantation? I’m wondering if that can explain @mayflower513’s little one showing up later?

Did the doc give any explanation? Or frequency of this happening?

roisis · June 2018

Thank you for the words of encouragement @northbeach3, very kind of you - particularly with all you're going through right now

@mayflower513 I can't even imagine how your head is right now. I can completely understand caution, we're all rooting for you - and if you're doc isn't too concerned - that's a very good sign

@mrsyng I'd be exactly the same with the googling - and while 1 in 10 mightn't sounds like great odds - it's certainly not negligible. We seem to be always working against the odds in this journey, I'm really hoping this is another hurdle you will get through. The only real symptoms I have are fatigue and breast tenderness too (I have persistent mild cramping too - but I think that's from the progesterone). I know this week must be so stressful for you - Hang in there

mayflower513 · June 2018

@mrsyng and @northbeach3 thank you. I read the same things about the heartbeats being found later and I kept asking everyone if they were going to do another ultrasound. My doctor doesn’t know what they were unable to see it on Friday at 6.5 weeks or if it means there is potentially something genetic going on with the embryo that caused it. I asked if it’s happened before and he says yes but it’s rare, I didn’t push it. @northbeach3 I don’t know if late implantation explains it since I had (vvvf) positive HPT at 5dp5dt and have had higher HCG levels.

I don’t know what to expect from here. I’m more terrified than anything right now. I think I will be traumatized by the bleeding I had for a while. I barely slept last night because every time I got up to pee I was terrified I’d have another gush. They did have me stop my progesterone on Friday and then restart yesterday. They said it may be overkill (apparently it’s necessity is debatable as we make progesterone on our own) but to just take it.

Bleeding is now brown spotting... I go back next Monday.

mayflower513 · June 2018

Any appointments this week?

more14 · June 2018

mayflower513 said:

Any appointments this week?

I think tomorrow is @northbeach3 's d&c (not crying while typing this... at all)

I think everyone else is next week. It will be a very busy week here. Hoping for lots of good news!

roisis · June 2018

I think @mrsyng is also back in on Friday - still have fingers crossed for a positive outcome for you

Otherwise, yes, next week is going to be busy.

@northbeach3 All my thoughts are with you today. You are such an amazing support to everyone here - and in many other monthly boards I've seen. It is so unfair that you have to go through this today on top of all you have been through. This IF battle really sucks, and I'm just so sorry for you. Be kind to yourself for a while.
We are all here for you if you need to share in the coming days.

roisis · June 2018

@mayflower513 Try not to stress about the late show. I thought my clinic was being very conservative in that they won't bring me in for the first u/s until 7wks, but my nurse insisted that it is not always possible to see the h/b until 7wks. I really thought they were just being over-cautious - but your situation is making me believe they have a point! And yes, my doc once said he was dubious as to whether or not we need the progesterone support up to 8wks as we do produce it - but he pointed out that no-one is willing to try to reduce this time as basically you could be potentially risking a healthy pregnancy. So I guess keep with it for now, but don't stress if you missed a few days. I can only imagine where your mind is at now, and I know Monday is an eternity away. Just try to hang in there

mayflower513 · June 2018

I’m so sorry.

@northbeach3 I’m so sorry for your loss, I know how devastated you are. Hopefully things move quickly for you and, when you’re ready, you can move on to your next FET.

@mrsyng I’m still holding out hope for you. Have you had any bleeding?

And thank you both both for your support

mayflower513 · June 2018

Thank you @roisis. I just told my husband I can’t take many more sleepless nights.

ETA at this point I’m more worried about if the Misoprostol did any irreversible damage.

northbeach3 · June 2018

Hi ladies, thanks so much for all your words of kindness. They’ve meant so much. It was difficult waiting for the D&C today while still feeling symptoms. U/s confirmed growth stopped at 6w and still no HB. I was ready to move forward. I was thankful to have a nurse who showed compassion and understanding, expressing that she knew how hard it was to be there to day and sharing that she underwent 5 cycles. Have follow up beta next Wed then the “WTF” appointment on July 19th after testing results come back. Given the last results being inconclusive, I’m not expecting much new info. I’m hoping they’ll allow me to do thre RPL pane even though I’m only at 2 MC.

My fingers and toes are crossed for you @mayflower513 and @mrsyng and for @more14 and @rosis who have upcoming us!

mrsyng · June 2018

Hi ladies thanks for having and giving hope. I haven't been on as much, been busy with work training and just trying to trek along until Friday afternoon for the next US.

@northbeach3 you are in my thoughts today! Hugs!

@roisis I wished my re didn’t pull me
in for an early ultrasound either. But they were being proactive due to the wacky betas. Fx your US next week goes well!

@mayflower513 I haven’t had any spotting or bleeding but it may be because the progesterone/estrogen suppositories are supporting the pregnancy.

kristimh80 · June 2018

@northbeach3 Thinking of you today! ((hugs))

roisis · June 2018

@northbeach3 I'm glad you at least had a compassionate nurse - that can make such a difference. hopefully they may be able to give you some indication as to what happened in July. In the meantime, look after yourself. When do you head off on holidays?
@mrsyng Best of luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you

I'm heading off to Spain tomorrow for a conference. I've known it was coming for a long time, but I've been trying not to think about it. Honestly, I'm pretty nervous, I'll be just glad when I get home. I guess it's a good distraction to bring me up to u/s day, and thankfully DH is coming with me. We get to have the weekend as a holiday and I attend the conference on mon & tues and then fly home wed for u/s on thurs. I just hope everything is very uneventful up until then. I'm not even allowing myself to stress over my presentation - cos stress is not allowed right now!!

mayflower513 · June 2018

I’m so sorry @northbeach3. I’m so glad your nurse was good about it, it can really make a big difference. And it sounds like you are somewhat at peace with everything which is also great. I hope they’ll do the testing for you, I hope the next time is it!

@mrsyng despite being the meds I’m still hoping no spotting is a good sign. Grow baby, grow!!

@roisis Spain sounds amazing, but I understand after your history that you’d be uneasy. Try to enjoy it with DH

mayflower513 · June 2018

Good luck today @mrsyng, I’m thinking of you.

northbeach3 · June 2018

sending you strength today @mrsyng. fingers crossed!

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