@mamabearcj I am so sorry! I think the other ladies gave great advice. Don't have anything to add except we are here anytime you need to vent, chat, or need suggestions! ((hugs))
Thank you ladies❤ I think counseling would be beneficial, H is really not open to it and I think it has more to do with him having a lot more baggage than I do and he has a has hard time getting into that. I'm going to work on getting my sex drive back though this certainly doesn't help, and I hope we can work on talking to about how he's feeling and if he needs more from me and if how I'm feeling and when I need more from him..
@mamabearcj that’s understandable, but if you find it’s still giving you anxiety or bothering you over time, take the lead and tell him you need him to try couples counseling for you! It’s the least he can do, IMO. I’m glad you guys are going to focus on talking, but don’t put the sex drive or the solution all on yourself, make this a team effort!
@mamabearcj Please don't blame yourself for this! Men just suck sometimes and I'd really hate for you to beat yourself up thinking that in some way you lead him to do this. Like PP have said, it sounds like a great sign that he was able to admit what was going on. I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to confide in us. Pregnancy is stressful enough as it is without keeping things like this in. I'll be thinking of you and we are always here for you if you need us!
I’ve heard you can go to couples counseling alone too, so if you feel you two need it and he really won’t go, you can go alone. Sometimes just talking to somebody about it helps you process it and I completely understand not wanting to talk to your friends about it. I was once told not to tell friends/sisters/your mom about your relationship problems, because you can move on from it, but they’re more likely to hold it against him forever.
@purplegoldfish2 thats exactly why I didn't want to confide in a friend or family members. I feel comfortable with you wonderful internet strangers❤ I feel like most of you aren't totally strangers anymore anyways!
Really sorry you’ve got to deal with this right now @mamabearcj. I know more about this subject than anyone ever should but I didn’t go through it while dealing with pregnancy hormones so I can’t even imagine. There’s a lot of “reasons and excuses” but when it comes right down to it there’s no justification for his actions. Please please don’t justify his actions in your head because of all the things you could have done differently. It was easy for me to do.. Also, I wish we had done counseling right away so I’d highly encourage it if at all possible financially! Lastly, if you ever need anyone you’re more than welcome to pm! You will be in my thoughts and prayers
@mamabearcj I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Definitely don’t blame yourself! I think these situations are often less about sec than we think they are. Keep your head up and do what is best for you. I’m all for counseling if you think it will help, and I think sometimes it does help to talk about it, but like others said,it needs to be a team effort.
You could also try finding some time for just the two of you every week, with our without sex. That really helped DH and I when we were having trouble connecting early in our marriage. He was on a normal work schedule and I worked the evening shift at a hospital. It was so hard because we never saw each other, and when we did I felt like we were not actually enjoying being together (constantly watching tv and/or on our phones). Once we started having a date night once a week after I got out of work (11:30pm)...we would go to the once restaurant open and have a snack together with no phones, and just talk, our whole marriage changed. He had to sacrifice some sleep, but we both still talk about those nights and how the lack of sleep was always so worth it! You will find what works for you, and we’re always here to listen...this group of women is so awesome!
@mamabearcj Couples counseling can be more about your relationship than each person's individual "baggage" and history. You can go into it and say you only want to talk about skills on how to build better communication and understanding of each as a couple. DH and I went to counseling before getting married. With all my family drama and past I didn't want to spend all my time/ money digging that up so we only focused on our relationship goals and objectives. We learned about the 5 love languages and how we connect in a relationship. I learnt that DHs understanding of love and emotional way he feels it is by acts of service (actions speak louder than words) and gift giving. Where as mine was words of affirmation and physical touch. So we were kind of opposite and not providing each other with enough of our way of feeling loved. Once we figured that out it really helped strengthen and bukdb better communication.
DH didn't want to do it either at first (he has a psychology education so he thinks he knew it all) but he came around and really thought it was beneficial. Tell the Dr you have limeted funds and you need to fast track so they don't waste your time/ money. We went to 6 session and felt satisfied.
Again good luck and keep the lines of communication open!
Me 33 DH 41 TTC since 2016 Due: October 12, 2018 Location: Ontario, Canada
@mamabearcj I have no real proven advice but I can’t imagine the anxiety you’re feeling. Maybe don’t focus on what could have happened if you didn’t catch on. I totally would in your shoes too, but maybe he would have come to his senses, or maybe he wouldn’t, but it’s easy to turn what he could have done into something he did as far as emotions go which could be very hard to get past. I understand not telling friends or family. Glad you have a good group here to vent to anytime.
Piggybacking on what @chyvie said, I recommend everyone in a relationship figures out their love languages. It seems kind of weird at first, but everything makes more sense when you understand how your partner gives and receives love.
Follow-up on my refrigerator situation, because I know you are all dying to know why my milk keeps going bad... I stuck the meat thermometer in there this morning and half an hour later when I checked on it the temp is 44. Sooo... I turned it down as much as I could to hopefully save what’s in there, but I have questions.
Attempt to repair? Is that even worth it? If not, what brands should I look at? We bought this one when we moved in 3 years ago, so I am not happy about this at all. MH is going to be thrilled too because I just told him yesterday what the bill from my OB will be once I give birth, not including any hospital bills, and we need to pay in full by Dec/Jan depending on when the bill comes.
I also have a lb of ground beef defrosting in there. Took it out of the freezer about 48 hours ago with plans to use it last night, but the mold in the rest of my dinner plans stopped that. I was going to use it tonight, but is it still safe?
@purplegoldfish2 that sucks, I'm sorry you're dealing with that! Maybe the compressor in the fridge is broken or something? Do you have a door that is leaking?
I wouldn't eat the meat, but I'm extra paranoid now after my bug/food poisoning 2 weeks ago.
It looks like you are smothered in Internet hugs, so sending a swift kick in the ass to your husband.
I agree 100+ with what was said above.
Re: counseling: You guys are going through some massive changes in your relationship. (And it isn’t just the babies! coming- you are also still living with parents (which you said at one point you were hoping to be on your own before kids), you are down to one income because of your job’s inherent structure, you are starting a renovation project, and... I feel like there was another thing that I am missing.
You all have a lot going on. Seriously. It would be hard for anyone to deal with.
Yes, you can try to make incremental changes, but here’s the thing - YOU were not the one making the choice to take actions to destabilize your relationship. He was. As such, he is the one who needs to be on board and an active partner in whatever is done to move forward.
That said- I totally agree with going to counseling on your own of he won’t.
@mamabearcj no advice, just all the thoughts, prayers and internet *hugs* to you during this rough time.
@purplegoldfish2 the 44° and the mold makes me feel iffy... But I will say that smell is a big indicator with beef. As soon as it starts to go bad, the smell is off and gross. If it doesn't smell bad, and it's cooked all the way through, I would honestly probably go ahead and eat it. You could also put the package. If you're not comfortable, toss it. Don't stress yourself out over the smaller of the issues, if you can. If it's just the thermostat that went bad, and not something big, might be worth replacing. You could Google and get a price, and decide from there. If it's something big, I would probably look for a new one.
It is worth a call to an appliance repair person to get their thoughts. I’ve had my washing machine repaired twice, and both times, it was half an hour of labor and cost of parts - far less than a whole new appliance.
Thanks ladies! I also texted a friend that’s pretty good with this stuff. She suggested compressor at first too, but the freezer seems fine, no ice build up or anything blocking airflow, so she is thinking it might be the fan between the freezer and refrigerator. Guess I’ll call a repair guy and get his opinion. MH just reminded me that it was only about $500 new, so if this repair costs anything significant we’ll be getting a new one instead (which means I won’t have to clean the sticky stuff off the shelf that I’ve been avaoiding doing - bright side!)
As for the meat, I am going to toss it. The problem with the smell test is all red meat smells like it’s rotting to me still, so I’m not sure I can tell the difference between real rotting and just dead meat. Plus the whole fact that it’s been over 40 for 2 days.. not going to risk it.
Thank you @knottieamusements for saying what I was going to. @mamabearcj you are being incredibly kind to your partner. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve the chance to make amends, but I worry you are blaming yourself too much for actions he chose to take. He could have talked about all or this, any of this, with you, before it got to this point. Don't beat yourself up, and don't let him off the hook. Kids and finances can really put a strain on a relationship, I won't pretend DH and I are in the best patch of our lives over here, but it's on both people to be transparent about what's going on before shitty things happen. I agree counseling might be a good next step, and since he's the one who took some shitty actions, it's even more important that he agrees to go. Otherwise I'd be concerned he's not serious about repairing it. And like everyone else, I'm just really sorry this is all happening when it is. Not that there is ever a good time, but you need to take care of yourself and the kids.
@mamabearcj I don't have much to add to all the wonderful advice that was already given but hope you guys can work through it and be happy. One thing that's helped me in tough times is journaling so maybe try that to get the feelings and anxiety out?
@mamabearcj I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, especially at this time. I've been there with my SO and if I was pregnant at the time im sure things would have ended up differently for us. You and the babies need to come first at this point.
You've gotten a lot of good advice from all the wonderful ladies but I'm going to chime in with @knottieamusements and @HoosOnFirst Do not beat yourself up over this. Nothing you did warented this behavior from your husband. I spent so much time beating myself up. Thinking what I could have done different? What if I was prettier, or thinner, or whatever. The truth is nothing. I didn't do anything that led him to talk to other women.
Counseling is definitely a good next step but its important for him to go as well being that he is the one that chose to be a shitty partner. If he won't go, go by yourself, for you and the babies.
Stress and change can do a lot to a relationship but when one person is willing to look elsewhere for their needs then something needs to be done. I'm glad he recognized his actions are wrong and that he apologized and is willing to talk it through but he needs to be the one putting effort in to repair the broken trust.
Thank you all so much for your incredibly kind and supportive words! I honestly love you ladies I'm going to bring up counseling again when I feel the timing is right and go from there and I might look into going on my own too if he doesn't want to come. I am trying not to blame myself, what he did was wrong and really hurtful and absolutely on him. I am so grateful for all of your advice!! There are too many of you to tag so sending hugs back to you all!!! @knottieamusements idk how you remember all of that about me and the other ladies but damn woman you're awesome!
@mamabearcj I dont have much to add that these ladies haven't already mentioned. I'm sending you all the positive vibes I can.
Remeber that nobody has the perfect marriage and every couple has problems of their own. At the end of the day this is your marriage/family/life and you need to do what's best for you.
FWIW your husband seems like decent man, willing to be honest and open with you about what's going on. It sounds like he knows he messed up. Not that that should get him off the hook. Maybe it was less about flirting/interest and more about companionship and anxiousness about all that will be changing for him very soon.
I wish u all the best, hang in there and as always vent to us whenever you need
@mamabearcj +1 to all the great advice these ladies are sending you. I can’t add much other than to say I’m thinking of you and hoping you and your DH will get better soon!
@mamabearcj ugh I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this right now. I don’t have much to add to what everyone else has already said, but wanted to give you all the hugs! Please don’t blame yourself for this - it is not your fault at all. It was his poor decision, likely because he’s feeling anxiety of his own about the changes in your lives, and he didn’t handle that well (not making excuses for him at all, but just trying to potentially understand what might be going on in his head). Its definitely a good thing that he was willing to talk to you about it, but I agree with all the others that counseling would be a great next step for you two. Either way, try to get to the bottom of it before the babies come, since things will only get exponentially harder on your relationship once they’re here.
@mamabearcj I'm not going to reiterate all of the things that everyone else has said, but I agree with all of it.
The fact that he was willing to admit there was an issue and talk about it with you is huge. An ex of mine blew off my concerns and fears when I felt the same way. He is now married to that woman. If he continues to show he wants to work through this, communicate and listen to your concerns, it's a good sign. However, in the end, its what you are comfortable with. There's so much going on in your lives, but it's not an excuse to look outside one's relationship to find comfort.
I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to come to us, and we will always be here to listen.
WTF to not being able to figure out my dogs skin allergies. In the last year I've had to take him back to the vet every few months to have him looked at because he breaks out in sores and a rash and is clearly itchy. He's been on 3 rounds of steroids and 2 rounds of Rx allergy meds - neither of which are encouraged long term. Hes on a 100% Rx diet which is supposed to limit any food allergy reaction. He does well while on the meds and for a month or so after and then breaks out again.
I finally scheduled a dermatologist appt for him. I'm scared of the cost since the other visits have been $400 a piece.
@sammierose464 we weirdly found our dog was allergic to plastic and grass, just through trial and error. Yes, grass. Have you tried swapping toy and bowl materials for your pup? We did that and wipe down her paws with baby wipes when she comes inside, and she's been significantly less itchy ever since!
@chopchop25 I think it might be grass. His paws are red and he licks them a ton. He also has sores on his underbelly primarily. I've been trying to make DH bathe him with the Rx wash at least once a week since I shouldn't really touch it. He's pretty limited on toys since he's a heavy chewer, but he mostly only gets hard plastic based toys. Maybe I can try taking them all away and only giving him bones for a bit.
@jemmerjams He's on a food from The Hills Science Diet that breaks down the allergens so his body won't detect them (at least that's how the vet described it). He also only gets treats from that brand. I stopped giving him anything extra including PB and cheese.
I'm just hoping the derma can do some tests and figure it out. The food alone is $100/mth since he's a big dog. He's only 2 and it started about 1 year after we got him.
My mom's dog gets really bad reactions to bug bites. They get red and look like sores as well we just have to watch him when he starts to dig and bite at them
@mamabearcj Hugs mama!! I don’t have any additional advice for you. I’ve kept this to myself out of fear of judgement, but there has been some.... unfaithfulness... in my marriage that rocked our whole world when it came to light. It’s so confusing and they’re are so many questions that bounce around and you question everything that led up to it and, for awhile, you’ll question everything that comes after.
I agree with everyone who recommended counseling. I don’t know where we would be without our counselor. It takes time, but its worth it, especially with little ones in the house.
@krzyriver I think we have all determined that our board is non judgemental! Im glad you were able to share that. It's always good to have people who have experience in any situation give advice. It sounds like you both were adults about it and are working through it for the sake of your family. Everyone does make mistakes but it is how you learn and grow from them that is the most important part. If you don't handle the situation and figure out why then it's hard to move past it. Not everyone can work through something and most will run away from conflict. It takes a bigger person to recognize that there is more at stake than just yourself and stay and work out the problems. I'm glad you guys did and it sounds like it worked!
Me 33 DH 41 TTC since 2016 Due: October 12, 2018 Location: Ontario, Canada
@chyvie Our board is SO non judgemental and I love it. I think if I’d had all of you when this stuff went down, I would’ve dealt with everything a lot better. I wouldn’t have had to bottle everything up. I can’t say we both acted like adults... they’re have been mistakes since. Big ones. But we never give up.
@mamabearcj It’s working... but very slowly. I hope you guys find something that works for you. Just remember that it’s a long, hard road but it’s worth it!!
Wtf, I just told my cousin it’s a girl. I haven’t told my mom yet. My cousin and I were talking about babies and “her” just slipped out. Ugh!
I’m allergic to grass. I just avoid touching it, but I don’t know how well that plan will work for a dog. Maybe dog shoes? Hope all your pups start feeling better soon!
@KFrob What did they have to do for it? Put it down? Or were they able to control the allergies somehow? That is a super sucky allergy to have as a pet!
@sammierose464 if it is grass, do recommend wet wipes and also epsom salt baths! We also found a coat soothing mousse that doesn’t require a bath that helps her skin out.
Re: WTF WEDNESDAY!
I'm going to work on getting my sex drive back though this certainly doesn't help, and I hope we can work on talking to about how he's feeling and if he needs more from me and if how I'm feeling and when I need more from him..
Also, I wish we had done counseling right away so I’d highly encourage it if at all possible financially!
Lastly, if you ever need anyone you’re more than welcome to pm! You will be in my thoughts and prayers
You could also try finding some time for just the two of you every week, with our without sex. That really helped DH and I when we were having trouble connecting early in our marriage. He was on a normal work schedule and I worked the evening shift at a hospital. It was so hard because we never saw each other, and when we did I felt like we were not actually enjoying being together (constantly watching tv and/or on our phones). Once we started having a date night once a week after I got out of work (11:30pm)...we would go to the once restaurant open and have a snack together with no phones, and just talk, our whole marriage changed. He had to sacrifice some sleep, but we both still talk about those nights and how the lack of sleep was always so worth it! You will find what works for you, and we’re always here to listen...this group of women is so awesome!
DH and I went to counseling before getting married. With all my family drama and past I didn't want to spend all my time/ money digging that up so we only focused on our relationship goals and objectives. We learned about the 5 love languages and how we connect in a relationship. I learnt that DHs understanding of love and emotional way he feels it is by acts of service (actions speak louder than words) and gift giving. Where as mine was words of affirmation and physical touch. So we were kind of opposite and not providing each other with enough of our way of feeling loved. Once we figured that out it really helped strengthen and bukdb better communication.
DH didn't want to do it either at first (he has a psychology education so he thinks he knew it all) but he came around and really thought it was beneficial. Tell the Dr you have limeted funds and you need to fast track so they don't waste your time/ money. We went to 6 session and felt satisfied.
Again good luck and keep the lines of communication open!
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
Attempt to repair? Is that even worth it? If not, what brands should I look at? We bought this one when we moved in 3 years ago, so I am not happy about this at all. MH is going to be thrilled too because I just told him yesterday what the bill from my OB will be once I give birth, not including any hospital bills, and we need to pay in full by Dec/Jan depending on when the bill comes.
I also have a lb of ground beef defrosting in there. Took it out of the freezer about 48 hours ago with plans to use it last night, but the mold in the rest of my dinner plans stopped that. I was going to use it tonight, but is it still safe?
I wouldn't eat the meat, but I'm extra paranoid now after my bug/food poisoning 2 weeks ago.
It looks like you are smothered in Internet hugs, so sending a swift kick in the ass to your husband.
I agree 100+ with what was said above.
Re: counseling: You guys are going through some massive changes in your relationship. (And it isn’t just the babies! coming- you are also still living with parents (which you said at one point you were hoping to be on your own before kids), you are down to one income because of your job’s inherent structure, you are starting a renovation project, and... I feel like there was another thing that I am missing.
You all have a lot going on. Seriously. It would be hard for anyone to deal with.
Yes, you can try to make incremental changes, but here’s the thing - YOU were not the one making the choice to take actions to destabilize your relationship. He was. As such, he is the one who needs to be on board and an active partner in whatever is done to move forward.
That said- I totally agree with going to counseling on your own of he won’t.
@purplegoldfish2 the 44° and the mold makes me feel iffy... But I will say that smell is a big indicator with beef. As soon as it starts to go bad, the smell is off and gross. If it doesn't smell bad, and it's cooked all the way through, I would honestly probably go ahead and eat it. You could also put the package. If you're not comfortable, toss it. Don't stress yourself out over the smaller of the issues, if you can.
If it's just the thermostat that went bad, and not something big, might be worth replacing. You could Google and get a price, and decide from there. If it's something big, I would probably look for a new one.
First, I’d toss the meat. From Dr. Google:
It is worth a call to an appliance repair person to get their thoughts. I’ve had my washing machine repaired twice, and both times, it was half an hour of labor and cost of parts - far less than a whole new appliance.
As for the meat, I am going to toss it. The problem with the smell test is all red meat smells like it’s rotting to me still, so I’m not sure I can tell the difference between real rotting and just dead meat. Plus the whole fact that it’s been over 40 for 2 days.. not going to risk it.
You've gotten a lot of good advice from all the wonderful ladies but I'm going to chime in with @knottieamusements and @HoosOnFirst Do not beat yourself up over this. Nothing you did warented this behavior from your husband. I spent so much time beating myself up. Thinking what I could have done different? What if I was prettier, or thinner, or whatever. The truth is nothing. I didn't do anything that led him to talk to other women.
Counseling is definitely a good next step but its important for him to go as well being that he is the one that chose to be a shitty partner. If he won't go, go by yourself, for you and the babies.
Stress and change can do a lot to a relationship but when one person is willing to look elsewhere for their needs then something needs to be done. I'm glad he recognized his actions are wrong and that he apologized and is willing to talk it through but he needs to be the one putting effort in to repair the broken trust.
@knottieamusements idk how you remember all of that about me and the other ladies but damn woman you're awesome!
Remeber that nobody has the perfect marriage and every couple has problems of their own. At the end of the day this is your marriage/family/life and you need to do what's best for you.
FWIW your husband seems like decent man, willing to be honest and open with you about what's going on. It sounds like he knows he messed up. Not that that should get him off the hook. Maybe it was less about flirting/interest and more about companionship and anxiousness about all that will be changing for him very soon.
I wish u all the best, hang in there and as always vent to us whenever you need
Edited for typing fail.
The fact that he was willing to admit there was an issue and talk about it with you is huge. An ex of mine blew off my concerns and fears when I felt the same way. He is now married to that woman. If he continues to show he wants to work through this, communicate and listen to your concerns, it's a good sign. However, in the end, its what you are comfortable with. There's so much going on in your lives, but it's not an excuse to look outside one's relationship to find comfort.
I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to come to us, and we will always be here to listen.
I finally scheduled a dermatologist appt for him. I'm scared of the cost since the other visits have been $400 a piece.
eta: my parents' dog had allergy shots for a while because she was allergic to grass/pollen too.
@jemmerjams He's on a food from The Hills Science Diet that breaks down the allergens so his body won't detect them (at least that's how the vet described it). He also only gets treats from that brand. I stopped giving him anything extra including PB and cheese.
I'm just hoping the derma can do some tests and figure it out. The food alone is $100/mth since he's a big dog. He's only 2 and it started about 1 year after we got him.
I agree with everyone who recommended counseling. I don’t know where we would be without our counselor. It takes time, but its worth it, especially with little ones in the house.
It sounds like you both were adults about it and are working through it for the sake of your family. Everyone does make mistakes but it is how you learn and grow from them that is the most important part. If you don't handle the situation and figure out why then it's hard to move past it. Not everyone can work through something and most will run away from conflict. It takes a bigger person to recognize that there is more at stake than just yourself and stay and work out the problems. I'm glad you guys did and it sounds like it worked!
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
@mamabearcj It’s working... but very slowly. I hope you guys find something that works for you. Just remember that it’s a long, hard road but it’s worth it!!
I’m allergic to grass. I just avoid touching it, but I don’t know how well that plan will work for a dog. Maybe dog shoes? Hope all your pups start feeling better soon!
@sammierose464 if it is grass, do recommend wet wipes and also epsom salt baths! We also found a coat soothing mousse that doesn’t require a bath that helps her skin out.