The Great Baby Shower Thread!

hedgepig · December 2017

I know a lot of us are starting to think about baby shower logistics, or are being asked for input from our friends and family members. This is a place to ask questions, look for advice, share ideas, AW your cute decorations/invites, etc. STM+ please jump in with advice and experience!

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/n5/qozlwbib61vy.gif

hedgepig · December 2017

Ok, I'll kick it off with 2 questions -
1. As a shower attendee, I hate the present opening part of the shower.... it's soooooooo boring! But I'm reading that it's pretty mandatory otherwise you'll definitely offend some people. Just curious what everyone's take on this is?
2. The book instead of a card request... I feel like it was here maybe that I saw people who were really bummed out on being told what to do. MH and I are readers, so I love the idea, but don't want to be pushy. I considered doing a book raffle, since diaper raffles are pretty standard/widely accepted, but we won't be doing one because we're CDing. Thoughts?

frenchiekinplusone · December 2017

@hedgepig I agree with the thought that gift-opening is mandatory. I know a lot of honorees hate doing it and some attendees hate watching because it can drag on forever with a big shower, but many people feel it’s rude not to open the gifts people brought and publicly thank them. I think if you have a few friends or family members to help open (one cuts the ribbons, one has scissors for opening boxes, one is disposing of the trash, one is stacking the opened gifts, etc) it will go a little faster. I’ve also seen people have games going during the gift opening to keep people entertained.

I love the book instead of card trend! Cards get tossed out but books will be kept for years so I am hoping my mom/MIL/sister do that for my shower. I think if it’s worded as a suggestion rather than a demand it will help. Some people are old-school and will bring a card regardless so as long as you’re not putting expectations on people I think it’s fine.

klburke88 · December 2017

Agree, the gift opening is boring and sometimes awkward, but mandatory. I've been to showers where we played BINGO during the gift opening, and that made it much more entertaining.

I feel kind of awkward about the shower in general. I will be a STM so in theory, I'm not "supposed" to have a shower. But... it's been 12 years since DD was born and even if I had any of her baby gear, a lot of it would be out of date and/or unsafe. Also, this is the first grandchild for my in-laws and it sounds like my MIL is insisting on being in charge of the baby shower so I'll be having one whether I like it or not, LOL!

stalkinghorse · December 2017

I really don't feel comfortable with any of this shower situation and I'm honestly considering just not having one.

Most of my closest girlfriends have either left Los Angeles or don't know each other or are quite a bit older. No one has stepped forward to say I'll throw you a shower. I sort of had a woe is me melt down about it this weekend but have decided that's silly, I can throw myself a perfectly great shower.

But I would rather just do a fun happy hour/cocktail party somewhere nice that people will enjoy. Does anyone think that will offend people? People who know me know I am NOT very traditional about things but then again, I would hate to hurt people's feelings who are trying to be supportive.

ngolimento · December 2017

I would personally be offended if I went to a shower and the hostess was like "thanks for the swag, now get out".

I want to see the person open my gift, and get a "thank you". I can see where being the center of attention can be intimidating for some, but if that is the case, why agree to having an entire party done in your honor?

riversdoctor · December 2017

I’m all about a “pass the baby” party about a month after baby arrives. I’m allowed to have booze, gifts aren’t the focus, it’s all about the newbie - not me feeling like a house! We had one after each of our first two and will have another. Also when giving gifts at showers I no longer wrap the present in paper, I wraps it with a storage tote because everyone needs more totes!!

stalkinghorse · December 2017

@ngolimento ok. hmm, that gives me something to think about. I've almost never opened birthday presents when during birthday parties, my parents were super against it when I was growing up (it's just not done in France). I never realized I might be offending folks. I've always written a thank you card of course.... you're probably right, I do need to think about whether or not I should have a shower.

frenchiekinplusone · December 2017

Going to put my TK etiquette hat on here... I’m of the mind that it’s not ok to throw your own shower. From an etiquette standpoint, a shower is about honoring the Mom/parents-to-be and “showering” them (or bride for a wedding shower, etc) with gifts to prepare for baby (married life). To throw your own shower is essentially to have a party asking for people to bring you gifts and therefore seen as gift-grabby. This is different from hosting your own casual bday gathering or even wedding because showers are purely gift-giving events.

That said, I do love the idea of hosting your own cocktail party/happy hour to celebrate the coming of the new babe, especially if that is more your style!!! If gifts/registries are not mentioned anywhere on the invites, then they are not the focus and I don’t believe the event becomes an etiquette issue. People might ask you if you are registered anywhere and it’s totally fine to mention it in person in that case.

Dumbgurl04 · December 2017

@hedgepig my friend had a open house shower. It lasted a little bit longer then a normal shower but since it was open house people could come and go as they wanted. Also when they came and handed her a gift she opened it right there in front of them so she could thank them. She wasn't big on the whole everyone sitting around her watching her open gifts being the center of attention, also since it wasn't a whole lot of people all at once she was able to talk more to all her guests.

kaymaroo · December 2017

Unfortunately I do think you have to open gifts at the shower, especially if there are older guests or ones you don't know as well. Even though I hate it as both an honoree and a guest I don't think there's a polite way not to.

I did books instead of cards for my shower with DS. I don't think anyone was offended, quite a few of the ladies told me they loved the idea (and realistically you can get children's books that don't cost any more than cards do). We still have the books with the lovely messages written in them whereas cards would have been thrown out years ago. My sister, who threw the shower, wrote on the invitations "In lieu of a card please bring a book for baby to treasure" or something like that.

kaymaroo · December 2017

Here's my question: My MIL has offered to throw me a shower for DH's side of the family since it's his first baby. Can I ask her to make it co-ed or is that a tacky request? It's all his family and I don't know most of them that well, so I'd be much more comfortable if he were there too.

stalkinghorse · December 2017

@frenchiekinplusone oh that's super helpful. I never realized baby showers were purely gift-giving affairs, so maybe that's why I'm getting lost here. I've only been to a couple of them and I thought the focus was about celebrating the big news. So that's my misunderstanding. Now I really don't want to ask my mom to host it bc for sure we will both stumble around all the etiquette! I obviously didn't have a wedding shower as you can tell!

But I like the idea of just throwing a party and NOT linking to a registry, that actually kind of kills two birds with one stone for me. Thank you so much for that suggestion!

kmalls · December 2017

@stalkinghorse I think you should ask your mom to host it!! Honestly that seems way less risky than throwing a cocktail party for yourself (even without mentioning a registry). Even if it’s not a traditional shower, just have your mom host it at a bar/wherever you would have done it had you hosted it yourself. I think that would go a long way with your guests

vintageandrea90 · December 2017

Here’s my question. I was talking about this stroller I want that’s super expensive. People were saying oh just put that on your registry - you won’t have to buy anything! I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to buy an expensive big ticket item for my shower...would it not be rude and tacky to put it on the registry to begin with?

kaymaroo · December 2017

@vintageandrea90 I think that's totally fine. A close relative may want to get it for you or a group of friends may want to go in on a big gift together. As long as your registry also contains lots of other price points I don't think it looks bad at all.

icalynn · December 2017

@kaymaroo At all of the baby showers I've been to the father was always there. I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to be there if it makes you feel more comfortable whether it is a coed shower or not.

riversdoctor · December 2017

vintageandrea90 said:

Here’s my question. I was talking about this stroller I want that’s super expensive. People were saying oh just put that on your registry - you won’t have to buy anything! I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to buy an expensive big ticket item for my shower...would it not be rude and tacky to put it on the registry to begin with?

Do it. Some people like to go together on big gifts and if you don’t get it you can usually get completion coupons to buy it at a discount.

ngolimento · December 2017

@Dumbgurl04 I really like that compromise on opening gifts! That way people get to see the joy and gratitude on the recipient's face without it being a spotlight affair.

bcliffee1 · December 2017

vintageandrea90 said:

Here’s my question. I was talking about this stroller I want that’s super expensive. People were saying oh just put that on your registry - you won’t have to buy anything! I certainly wouldn’t expect anyone to buy an expensive big ticket item for my shower...would it not be rude and tacky to put it on the registry to begin with?

I had this same thought as well when looking at strollers/infant car seat travel systems but the consensus I received is there may be people that want to buy that for you and if not you’ll just get it yourself. It does no harm

bcliffee1 · December 2017

@hedgepig thank you so much for starting this thread I have just started some registries and have been going back and forth on stuff and this thread will surely answer some etiquette questions I had

angiek1 · December 2017

I did the book idea for my first and loved it. We got a great head-start on our collection. Plus it is fun to see the personalized notes.

psuxray07 · December 2017

@hedgepig I definitely like to see my present being opened while I'm there. I don't like being watched by everyone when opening things lol, but mainly people will be watching for their gift. The gift opening time seems to be when the guests talk to each other, etc... Also, I think the idea of a book raffle instead of diapers is a really cute idea! I love to buy baby books though, lol.

nessa1632 · December 2017

I personally feel strange about putting an expensive stroller travel system on the registry; ditto for our crib which we splurged on. We plan to get these items ourselves. I think it's odd for on the one hand there to be a notion that if you throw your own shower you are gift grubbing but if it's thrown for you (which assumes you have a resource rich support system) you can gift grub. Entirely my own opinion but just something I've noticed on the boards. I think people should do what feels right to them. I also think the whole registering thing is weird. Maybe it's because I didn't have a wedding shower so am not used to it but we went to BRU this weekend and basically were reprimanded that our registry had only the essentials and not enough items for each guest (they didn't know we are doing amazon registry); never mind that we had a $200 PNP and multiple 100+ items...

Dumbgurl04 · December 2017

Agree about adding the stroller to your registry. I know with my family for any wedding or baby shower we always get together and chip in a little to get that big ticket item then just get a few smaller things. Plus like others have said if you don't get it you get the discount foe it being on your registry. I know after my shower there were a few things we still wanted to get that werent on the registry. so we ended up adding and buying so we could get them at the discount rate.

psuxray07 · December 2017

@vintageandrea90 Like others said, I'd put it on. For DS, I had a Graco stroller system on my registry and my grandmother bought it for us. And coworkers like to chip in and go for big gifts sometimes. Mine, aside from smaller gifts, all chipped in for a gift card to where we were registered and it paid for most of our crib. I mean, unless it's like extremely expensive, I don't see any issue of having it on there!

ngolimento · December 2017

Treat your baby registry like you do your wedding registry. Put some big ticket items on there, medium ticket, and small ticket. Give people a range to shop in. I personally was very surprised that almost all my big ticket items were purchased (I thought only one or two would). But then again, that is kind of the point, lessening the up-front financial burden of becoming parents (and why repeat parties are frowned on). Establishing yourselves to be parents can be thousands of dollars, but once you are set up with the basics, you are expected to re-use things, especially big ticket items.

For me personally, I don't frown on showers for subsequent children in special circumstances. Say you have gone a long period without a child and don't have basic baby stuff anymore. Or maybe went through a divorce and your ex took all your items, etc. At that point, it's someone facing a HUGE financial burden, not someone who just wants attention and presents every time they bareback. Like I said before, it shouldn't be everyone else's repeated financial obligation that you don't use birth control.

ngolimento · December 2017

Oh, I almost forgot another bit of registry advice: content. Try to avoid putting clothing on it, especially newborn clothes. You don't know what size your baby will be (surprising percentage of kids are born above 'newborn' size), and people tend to go way off reservation when it comes to clothes. Basically you will put a baby giraffe motif up, and one of our guests will spontaneously see a whale outfit that is just irrisistable. Viola, you get a whale outfit, not your registry outfit. It's really not worth trying to fight it. People will give you clothes to their tastes.

ekendall09 · December 2017

I've had people ask me about what I want for a shower now multiple times. I've been very adament that I wouldn't be comfortable having a second shower (5 years and 1 divorce since my last) despite people saying some of the the things you mentioned @ngolimento.

Am I over reacting? I wouldn't be inviting anyone new really that didn't come the first time (from my end) and it really isn't their financial problem that I only took my stroller and pack n play when I was GTFO of the situation I was in. I told my friend this weekend when she asked about a shower I thought it would be nice for them to do something for SO (like a man thing) but honestly thinking about showing up to an event for me just makes me cry. My SO doesn't get why I feel why I do and is actually made me feel pretty bad about it.

As another sidenote I know my parents will do something for us regardless of a shower. My mom is buying us a crib and mattress as our Christmas gift this year (which is incredibly generous and takes a huge burden off us) and knowing my dad he'll do the same.

jenotontx · December 2017

About opening presents... I have to fly in from out of state for my baby shower and had to do the same thing fir my wedding shower. Therefore, I was unable to open gifts at the shower because I had to have everything sent from the store directly to my house. The same will be happening for my baby shower. So what we did instead was ask everyone to bring a picture or print out of what they bought me and include it in the card. That way when I opened the cards I could thank everyone at the shower for their gift. I think this actually made the process much faster which was nice and everyone was still acknowledged.

As for books instead of cards... I posted this in last weeks Randoms thread but my shower invites include this message:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/v6/rklkidn9kj7x.jpeg

@kaymaroo I totally agree that you can invite your husband without it being co-ed. My husband won’t be at my shower but my grandpa and dad will be! They are the only men invited though.

codingchildhood · December 2017

I never had a shower with my first because the friend that offered to throw it for me ended up flaking. Looking back, I wish I hadn't gotten so caught up in worrying about etiquette and had just hosted something myself. I have had a blast at every baby shower I have been to, and I honestly wouldn't have cared if I was going to a shower hosted by the mom to be, or by someone else. I feel like people are way less caught up in etiquette irl than the bump makes it appear... but maybe that's just my circle of friends/region.

All that being said, consider your regional norms, and your own situation, and use those as heavier determining factors if you're faced with deciding whether to host your own shower because you don't have anyone willing to take on that role. I regret missing out on having a shower and not making those memories with my friends and family.

julzy · December 2017

We had a co-ed shower for DS and I’m really glad we did. It was really important for me to be able to celebrate with all the people who would play an important role in his life regardless of their sex.

A few people have asked if I’m having a sprinkle this time around. I think we will but super informal— like pizza and beer at the local brewery — Id want it to be coed again. Just an excuse to get friends and family together to celebrate. Anyone have ideas on how to help the hosts word an invite to make a gift expectation lower? Like maybe just diapers, books and clothes type of thing?

bchalm · December 2017

We had a coed baby shower and it was so fun. DH thought he was automatically invited and shocked when I told him it wasn't super traditional. But we aren't super traditional, so it was perfect. We had a bottle chugging contest and most of the guys hung in the basement drinking beer.

jem8407 · December 2017

@hedgepig I am not a fan of the gift opening at showers of any sort. I like the idea of the honoree having private, non-rushed, authentic time to freak out and love each gift. When we were provided a shower with our first, I did not want to offend anyone but wanted it to be a choice of the gift giver. We designed one table for “open now” and one table for “open privately”. It was a “mocktail hour” type of theme and was very well received, honestly. It was nice for everyone involved.

nessa1632 · December 2017

@julzy I’ve heard ppl call it a diaper party where ppl bring diapers and there’s beer and that’s about it... I’m thinking about throwing one for DH as it’s also a chance for him to catch up with friends before the baby comes. Maybe you could call it that on the invite?

klburke88 · December 2017

@nessa1632 I'm doing the same. I'm thinking of planning it around March Madness, as DH and his friends are big into sports. Just quality guy time with lots of beer and chicken wings while they watch hoops. Super informal.

icalynn · December 2017

Just finished up an invitation for the shower my MIL is throwing. I'm a graphic designer by day, it was such a bizarre feeling designing an invite for myself rather than someone else.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/ks/vdqyjkuaim9e.jpg

ftm_ohio · December 2017

@icalynn really ADORABLE! LOVE love the elephant!
My aunt and uncle own a printing business in Mass. so they are designing me something, I'm so excited!

hedgepig · December 2017

My mom asked me to get the invites ordered, so here's the design I picked (on Etsy).

jenotontx · December 2017

@icalynn @hedgepig Both of those are SO cute! Also glad to know I'm not the only one who picked out/designed their own invites.

itsrandiyo · December 2017

hedgepig Love that invite, I think it ties in the co-ed thing very well!

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