BTW, @LizzieJ13, I really appreciate you sharing the view from the other side of the religious perspective. I'm not religious myself, but I think respect of other people's believes has to go both ways.
I'm pretty blunt with people about my infertility struggles, as I knew since I was 16 years old that I'd have to take a medicated rout to babies. So when anyone asks about when I'm getting pregnant, I say "My ovaries don't make eggs on their own without extra hormones, so it's partially up to my RE". I get 2 reactions: - totally uncomfortable that I said "ovaries" - an excited look and a discussion of their own struggles with infertility
The latest comment that made me mad was from my mom's good friend (who is also now my good friend too) about us biopsying embryos for genetic screening: "torturing the little ones.... you never know when the life starts." It hurt me partially because I care about her friendship, and we sit on different sides of a religious fence.
Also, my mom loves a blame-game with comments about "the younger you are, the more chances you have at having healthy babies easier". Like it's my fault that I haven't met my husband until I was in my 30s. And there is NOTHING I can do right now to change it. NOTHING.
It's sad that the people closest to us can hurt us the most.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
Me: 37 DH: 45 I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology. Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑 March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦 Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021 DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
@FuzzyDust -and you are only 33!! They don't even consider advanced material age until 35...and even after 35 there is plenty of hope
Me: 33, DH: 40 July 2016: IVF #1 (froze embryos) Aug. 2016: Hysteroscopy to remove a few polyps & Laparoscopy Oct. 2016: FET #1 BFN Nov. 2016: FET #2 BFP (ended in CP) March 2017: IVF #2 Fresh Transfer of 2 Blasts = BFP!!! (EDD: 11/27/17) Froze 5 Blasts DS born on 11/2/17!!! Back to try for Baby #2
Me: 33, DH: 40 July 2016: IVF #1 (froze embryos) Aug. 2016: Hysteroscopy to remove a few polyps & Laparoscopy Oct. 2016: FET #1 BFN Nov. 2016: FET #2 BFP (ended in CP) March 2017: IVF #2 Fresh Transfer of 2 Blasts = BFP!!! (EDD: 11/27/17) Froze 5 Blasts DS born on 11/2/17!!! Back to try for Baby #2
thanks, @LoveDontCostAThing When I was 25 and single, mom would complain "at your age, I already had 2 kids". When I was 28, she'd nag "what are you thinking? you're not getting any younger? get your priorities straight." And no, I wasn't focusing on a career and ignoring men, I've always wanted a family, but finding lasting committed love is tricky. I already felt plenty lonely and upset, and her pouring her sadness of not having grand-babies yet didn't do anything better for me.
I think 33 is plenty young for babies, but I also know that even if we succeed soon, we hope to have 2, so the second one would definitely be in over 35 range.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
Me: 37 DH: 45 I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology. Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑 March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦 Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021 DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
Thank you all! I really needed to read this today. I'm lucky I have no pressure from family but I work with a woman who is now pregnant for the second time (successful first) since we've been trying. Looking at her physically hurts.
People love to tell me how young I am - 31- but my husband is 45 about to turn 46 and I think about how he will be 65 when our kids graduates high school if we are very lucky and get pregnant soon. So yes, I do feel rushed.
The worst is my husband's boss. He bought a note from his urologist for an absent day on doctor's letterhead and his boss joked "Is the infection back?" My husband is pretty unflappable, but dealing with MFI and testicular atrophy and hearing that joke from his boss hurt. People can be jerks!
@greenhillgirl people are so insensitive. They think they are funny and really aren't. I totally understand your pressure. Just as an FYI, my dad was 49 when I was born. He is 83 now and works out every day and is in better shape than me. His age was a plus and never a negative.
Me: 36 DH: 33
TTC since June 2016
Me: PCOS DH: Morphology 1%
3 TI with Famera and trigger shots-BFN
3 IUI's with Famera and trigger shots- BFN
IVF August 2017 25 eggs retrieved, 19 mature, 13 fertilized (ICSI), 5 frozen, 3 PGS normal
FET November 2017 Transferred one 6 day blast (a little GIRL) BFP EDD 8/4/18
@Irisheyes81 Thank you for the kind words! That is really nice to hear. I'll admit it gave me satisfaction that he could get his boss in huge trouble for making an STD joke to him but he would never complain. Still- imagining him getting called in to HR amused me.
I'm glad you have a father around that age and a wonderful experience. It really does help to hear examples of this! Also, Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Irisheyes81greenhillgirl - my husband is 41, and he also promises me that he's planning to be all fit and active in his 70s and 80s, so I don't need to worry how old he'll be when our future kids graduate high-school But it's still a little sad - he's a high school teacher, and his students are the age that his potential kids could be by now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
Me: 37 DH: 45 I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology. Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑 March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦 Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021 DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
@alohakumu We have friends who ask us "are you sure you really want kids" when theirs act up. I just politely say yes out loud but in my head have a few other thoughts along the same lines. Their daughter is super spoiled and unfortunately she throws HUGE tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants.
@FuzzyDust That is so sweet! That is hard when he's around kids all day that could be the age of his kids. We actually had a crazy situation about 8 months into trying where a woman came out of the woodwork from 18 years ago and named my H as her child's father. It turned out that was not the case and she named him when required to name someone so her son could get public assistance while his gf was pregnant. Imagine us, trying to get pregnant with his (assumed) and my first and finding out he could possibly be about to be a grandfather and was never told. Luckily it turned out to be nonsense but that was a confusing time! I couldn't even be mad because what was I up to when I was young and carefree but it was so weeeeeird.
There are kids in my DH's school that call him "dad". Especially those who don't have a good father figure in their lives. I'm happy for him that even though he doesn't have his own kids (yet!), he gets to experience at least some part of being this special person in someone's life. I do admit that I feel a small speck of jealousy - I can't even exactly tell if it's because I want him all for our future kids, or because he gets to have some of what I don't have any of (yet!).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
Me: 37 DH: 45 I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology. Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑 March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦 Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021 DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
This is an amazing thread! I have heard most of these comments too! After 8 years of trying, I honestly do not tell anyone anything anymore because of some of the insensitive comments that I heard from people over the years that I considered my friends. Sad, but helps me survive.
My most hated phrase, which I have thankfully only had to endure twice in the past 8 years, is "Not me! I'm just fertile Myrtle!" Two women (both former coworkers who I had become close with and confided in) said this to me on separate occasions. It was like a slap in the face both times. The first time, I remember feeling a rise of anger but I covered it with a big "lucky you" grin, and never confided in her again. A year or so later, this woman shared with me that her husband was cheating on her, but I didn't respond with "Oh, that's never happened to me. I'm just perfect marriage girl!" because that would have been mean! I think that is part of why these comments bother me. It's like the person saying these things has no empathy whatsoever, and that is disturbing, especially for someone who is a parent.
The second time I heard this awful comment (a few years later), there was no smile! I just glared at the woman and then stopped talking to her for the rest of the day. I literally swiveled my chair away from her and ignored her. Looking back, it might have been more satisfying/constructive to calmly explain why that comment was rude, but I was not in a mental/emotional place where I could have done that at that time. It was easier to just ignore it.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, ladies! Really helps to know I am not alone in enduring some of these ridiculous comments!
@Jeansis - A year or so later, this woman shared with me that her husband was cheating on her, but I didn't respond with "Oh, that's never happened to me. I'm just perfect marriage girl!" because that would have been mean! Made me smile.
Of course, the most common phrase we get is "just relax and it will happen". If I get it from older folks or people who have no clue (young or very fertile) I can chalk it up to ignorance. BUT, one of my friends my age (so AMA) recently got pregnant and told me this! And on top of it, she said she tried casually for 2 years and then it happened when she almost gave up (I actually suspect she did some kind of intervention, and instead of being honest with me she just tried to lead me off path because she just wanted to think nothing was wrong with her?) I may be totally wrong and paranoid....maybe this "relax" thing does happen for some, even after 35?!?
Re: That one phrase that pisses you off!!!!!
BTW, @LizzieJ13, I really appreciate you sharing the view from the other side of the religious perspective. I'm not religious myself, but I think respect of other people's believes has to go both ways.
I'm pretty blunt with people about my infertility struggles, as I knew since I was 16 years old that I'd have to take a medicated rout to babies. So when anyone asks about when I'm getting pregnant, I say "My ovaries don't make eggs on their own without extra hormones, so it's partially up to my RE". I get 2 reactions:
- totally uncomfortable that I said "ovaries"
- an excited look and a discussion of their own struggles with infertility
The latest comment that made me mad was from my mom's good friend (who is also now my good friend too) about us biopsying embryos for genetic screening:
"torturing the little ones.... you never know when the life starts."
It hurt me partially because I care about her friendship, and we sit on different sides of a religious fence.
Also, my mom loves a blame-game with comments about "the younger you are, the more chances you have at having healthy babies easier". Like it's my fault that I haven't met my husband until I was in my 30s. And there is NOTHING I can do right now to change it. NOTHING.
It's sad that the people closest to us can hurt us the most.
My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology.
Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles
Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑
March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss
Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦
Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN
Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic
April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal
Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021
DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
July 2016: IVF #1 (froze embryos)
Aug. 2016: Hysteroscopy to remove a few polyps & Laparoscopy
Oct. 2016: FET #1 BFN
Nov. 2016: FET #2 BFP (ended in CP)
March 2017: IVF #2 Fresh Transfer of 2 Blasts = BFP!!! (EDD: 11/27/17)
Froze 5 Blasts
DS born on 11/2/17!!!
Back to try for Baby #2
July 2016: IVF #1 (froze embryos)
Aug. 2016: Hysteroscopy to remove a few polyps & Laparoscopy
Oct. 2016: FET #1 BFN
Nov. 2016: FET #2 BFP (ended in CP)
March 2017: IVF #2 Fresh Transfer of 2 Blasts = BFP!!! (EDD: 11/27/17)
Froze 5 Blasts
DS born on 11/2/17!!!
Back to try for Baby #2
When I was 25 and single, mom would complain "at your age, I already had 2 kids".
When I was 28, she'd nag "what are you thinking? you're not getting any younger? get your priorities straight."
And no, I wasn't focusing on a career and ignoring men, I've always wanted a family, but finding lasting committed love is tricky. I already felt plenty lonely and upset, and her pouring her sadness of not having grand-babies yet didn't do anything better for me.
I think 33 is plenty young for babies, but I also know that even if we succeed soon, we hope to have 2, so the second one would definitely be in over 35 range.
My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology.
Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles
Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑
March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss
Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦
Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN
Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic
April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal
Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021
DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
People love to tell me how young I am - 31- but my husband is 45 about to turn 46 and I think about how he will be 65 when our kids graduates high school if we are very lucky and get pregnant soon. So yes, I do feel rushed.
The worst is my husband's boss. He bought a note from his urologist for an absent day on doctor's letterhead and his boss joked "Is the infection back?" My husband is pretty unflappable, but dealing with MFI and testicular atrophy and hearing that joke from his boss hurt. People can be jerks!
I'm glad you have a father around that age and a wonderful experience. It really does help to hear examples of this! Also, Happy St. Patrick's Day!
My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology.
Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles
Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑
March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss
Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦
Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN
Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic
April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal
Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021
DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
*km*
me 29 | him 32 | married: 4/27/2013
Menopur = 17mm + 13.5mm (L) 19.5mm (R) | CD11 Ovidrel 5/26/17 | TIC 5/26-5/28/17 | *TWW* | Beta #1 6/12: 9.91 | Beta #2 6/14: 13.89 | Beta #3 6/16: 20.81 | Beta #4 6/19: 41.46 | Beta #5 6/21: 24.50 | Beta #6 6/30: TBD - Will test until numbers reach zero.
There are kids in my DH's school that call him "dad". Especially those who don't have a good father figure in their lives. I'm happy for him that even though he doesn't have his own kids (yet!), he gets to experience at least some part of being this special person in someone's life. I do admit that I feel a small speck of jealousy - I can't even exactly tell if it's because I want him all for our future kids, or because he gets to have some of what I don't have any of (yet!).
My story in signature spoiler. Children mentioned.
I don't produce FSH, so no natural menstrual cycle. DH has reduced morphology.
Summer 2014 IUI (with first husband): cancelled after almost a month of stims due to too many follicles
Time off to divorce, get back on my feet, find a new hubby and get married again 💑
March 2017 IVF#1: ~70 follicles, 13R, 10M, 7F, 3B = 2 PGS Normal (both XY) - no transfer due to ohss
Sept 2017 FET#1: BFP, Beta#1 (10dpt) - 253, Beta#2 (12dpt) - 528, DS born 05/31/2018 👨👩👦
Dec 2019 FET#2: BFN
Changed clinic, planning March 2020 IVF#2 - postponed due to the pandemic
April 2020 IVF #2: ~30 follicles, 24R, 12M, 8F, 4B = 2XY & 2XX, all normal
Sept 2020 FET#3: one XX embryo, BFP, Beta#1 (9dpt) - 161, Beta#2 (11dpt) - 519, Beta#3 (19dpt) - 7174, Due date 05/30/2021
DD born 05/23/2021 👨👩👧👦 - My family is now complete
My most hated phrase, which I have thankfully only had to endure twice in the past 8 years, is "Not me! I'm just fertile Myrtle!" Two women (both former coworkers who I had become close with and confided in) said this to me on separate occasions. It was like a slap in the face both times. The first time, I remember feeling a rise of anger but I covered it with a big "lucky you" grin, and never confided in her again. A year or so later, this woman shared with me that her husband was cheating on her, but I didn't respond with "Oh, that's never happened to me. I'm just perfect marriage girl!" because that would have been mean! I think that is part of why these comments bother me. It's like the person saying these things has no empathy whatsoever, and that is disturbing, especially for someone who is a parent.
The second time I heard this awful comment (a few years later), there was no smile! I just glared at the woman and then stopped talking to her for the rest of the day. I literally swiveled my chair away from her and ignored her. Looking back, it might have been more satisfying/constructive to calmly explain why that comment was rude, but I was not in a mental/emotional place where I could have done that at that time. It was easier to just ignore it.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, ladies! Really helps to know I am not alone in enduring some of these ridiculous comments!
Made me smile.