That one phrase that pisses you off!!!!!

funkykey

Oh man! @AlohaKumu - ugh, if I were the mother of that daughter, I would be so angry. 

I think the religious stuff/comments are tricky, because while they can be so offensive, I also think it's really good to have conversations about beliefs and to question one's faith. For me, my own faith has been so shaped by conversations and by questioning - not just with my church or minister, but with people who have different beliefs than me. Most of the time, I welcome conversations about religion, but it's much easier when they are approached in an open and respectful manner. Like, if someone says to me: "I think everyone who goes to church is in a cult", I respond differently than if they were to say: "I don't understand why people feel a need to worship together."

I've actually been really surprised at how much my own faith has influenced our IF journey, and how religious the process is - even for my DH, who before now, seemed to not believe at all! I hadn't realized that it would be such a spiritual experience, though I should have - making a life is pretty much the root of all spirituality. Maybe that's why there are so many rude comments about religion throughout this! Just because it brings out these parts of your beliefs that you might be uncomfortable with and you're not sure about, and at the same time, other people are telling you what they believe.... it is a lot to absorb, and at a vulnerable time.

*edited to add this line/finish thought*
I wish that more people would be a little more polite/self-aware about their own religious beliefs before talking about them to couples with IF, who are likely grappling with their own faith already. Like, go ahead and question or have a discussion, but be kind, you know?

AlohaKumu

That's a great point @funkykey. Many individuals take have comfort and peace through turning to prayer and their religious/spiritual beliefs. Indeed, the creation of life is a very spiritual experience in many ways and we certainly would never want to rob someone of what it is that they hold dear at his or her core.

As you said, it's okay to have a question or discussion, but kindness should always be at the heart of that conversation. When an individual is attacked by judgment right out the gate, it makes it really difficult to be able to have a meaningful or productive dialogue! At times, people say things that are genuinely well-intentioned, but I agree that it's important to be mindful of how these words can be hurtful to those who are already struggling.

LizzieJ13

My husband and I are a Catholic infertile couple and we will not be pursuing IVF, so we are kind of on the other side of the religious fence. It has been challenging dealing with my RE's office; I feel like every time I see a different nurse they ask about "moving on" to further treatments when we aren't going to. Almost like I have to constantly defend myself against "not wanting a baby enough." Anyway - I thought I would share that perspective too!

NandJ4Ever

My mom keeps saying "kids are too expensive these days. People shouldn't have more than one." Yet she had 5!

Than you have my grandma who always says "whatever is meant to be will be." And "at least you have a roof over your head and food." Than she will start talking about something bad she heard on the news and be like "at least your not going through that." Yeah, no kidding I'm thankful I didn't get murdered. Doesn't mean I'm not in pain.

NandJ4Ever

 

sugarhead-2

"You're not pregnant yet?"
to which I reply, yes mom, I'm pregnant and keeping it from you. 

I like to to match ridiculous questions with ridiculous responses. I honestly think that ppl don't know what to say, but they're curious about what's going on and unfortunately something silly and insensitive comes out of their mouth. 

natalie4oscar

@lilmisslp I got this one the other day too "you're young, you have plenty of time"  .. to which I replied "Yeah but apparently my ovaries aren't"

WOW... just wow.. on all of these comments, I hope that I was never this insensitive to any one before I knew how difficult it really is for some people.

thucks

I have twins from IVF in 2012 and now trying for baby #3 with FET. I picked up my BCP for this month as prep for my Jan FET. I had the twins with me. The pharmacy tech first questioned if my RX was right cause I filled my BCP and Prenatal then made a comment that she was glad I was taking precautions considering my life has to be hard enough with twins. First of all how big my family is is none of your business and I'm blessed to have them and worked very hard to get them here and working very hard to add to my family Thank you. 

dadezbombz

All of these comments have me pissed off! Lol

2MomsHoping

One I have received more than once from aquaintances and coworkers, "Why don't you just go out and have sex with a guy / have a one night stand / slip on a d*."  

We are a same sex couple...why would it be a good idea to cheat on my spouse and have unproductive sex with "some guy" and open my family to not only the emotional/trust/health complications but also open my family to potentially coparenting with a stranger?  I can not imagine the mental fallout from actually taking this advice.  This also doesn't take into consideration that if a year of RE treatments failed to knock me up I'm pretty sure rando bar fly is unlikely to get the job done in a single night.  

Yeah...no...gross.  

daisy222-2

Some of these are so hideous and gross! What are these people thinking!

From a male OB/GYN (when I was 32): "You're no spring chicken! Did you know the risk of birth defects goes way up after 30?"  Not helpful and also a LIE.

simply_jams

"Just be Positive" 
argh, that errks me. As if I'm not being positive. As if when I planned my baby shower and birth announcements in my head for the last 5 cycles wasn't hoping and believing for good results.

lilmissslp

Five women at work are pregnant. Today a coworker stopped me and said, "So everyone's announcing they're pregnant, when will you?"  I responded with, "I don't know, it's not easy for everyone" and walked away trying not to cry. 

pizza_brat

Why don't you adopt?

funkykey

@lilmissslp - cannot believe that coworker! So rude!

mtpbadger

@lilmissslp oh my goodness! I totally would have started bawling!

lilmissslp

@mtpbadger I was so close! I know bitch mode set in and I didn't say it nicely but it was all I could do to keep from crying. I hope it's not awkward tomorrow. Of course I spent all day thinking about it and feeling bad and she probably didn't give it a second thought. 

LoveDontCostAThing

I got married a year and a half ago...I'm a teacher, so I got married in the summer.  Anyway, the past two Septembers I've been back to work and married, this one woman at work asked me if I was pregnant...both Septembers.  Every other September she didn't ask that!!!  I wanted to punch her in the face.  First of all, it's none of her business.  Secondly, if I was, I would tell her when I wanted to!!!  Thirdly, she isn't a close friend at all and has no idea if I even want children.  People are rude!  The other one that bothered me was when my friend (who was married one month prior) said she had just stopped her birth control, so didn't expect it would work, but got pregnant that next month, didn't know, so proceeded to get drunk every night on her vacation.  Shoot me...lol.

LadyMillil

Coworker keeps signing her kids up for lessons and then complaining how expensive kids are and how I'm lucky to have all this disposable income since I don't have kids. Yup, paying $15000+ for the chance to ever have a kid leaves me with so much extra money.

ZukiWife

Winnie81  I get what you mean there! We had a "friend" that would constantly tell DH that he would be up for it if DH couldn't "get the job done". Made me so mad. Luckily, he's no longer in our lives due to multiple reasons, but that was a big one for sure.

One I hate is when people tell me how they all of the sudden got pregnant after adopting and tell me to try that. Seriously?!?! It's not that easy! Ugh!

Cinnamonn

OMG this thread. I can't believe people are so stupid to say/ask those things. Here is my Top List:
1. My bff knows what I'm going through and yet last time I saw her she said: " oh I need to remember to collect my birth control, I don't want to get pregnant again so fast" ------
2. My H's grandfather died and his dad told everyone at the memorial: "the only thing he wanted is to see H' babies" and everyone was staring at me
3. EVERY time I'm around my H's family (it's huge) every lady thinks it's a must to grab (!) my tummy and say: "no babie?" "Are you pregnant?" "When are you going to get pregnant?" "Do you want children?"uhhh SHUT UP
4. Told my other friend about our issue. Her response: "oh don't worry you guys have money so you can do IVF" thank you, but it's not only about the money.
5. The Neighbour saw me kissing my dog (haven't seen my puppy all day) and said: "it's time to have children and not babying a dog!" It's time for you to get a new set of clothing. And some manners.
6. One of the relatives [sad voice] "not pregnant? It's ok you still have a chance.." ????? I'm 29!

Stay strong ladies, as my H says, these people have nothing else to do but gossip about the lives of the others. Luck to you all!

blackrose-9

I have a cousin who is my age and 20 weeks pregnant with her first. She was one of the very few I shared my story with and was the one person who was okay with me going on rants to. She texted me with "I have great news" to announce her pregnancy then told me she didn't even want to tell me to begin with but felt that she had to. Now she barely even talks to me and if she does its about being pregnant. 
Things like "I had my first ultrasound today it was amazing to see it and watch it squirm around. It was a wonderful experience."

And "Hey! Sorry it's been a crazy day. We found out that we are having a boy today!!!" 《---Direct quote from her after days of being ignored...she gets short worded with me when we talk now especially after she asks how my treatments are going. We didn't have a problem talking before about it and now to me it feels like she thinks she's better than me or something... sorry for the rant. I just hate when they know what you're going through and still only talk about their pregnancy/kids. 

Cinnamonn

@BlackRose I have the same issue with my BF. I guess they will never understand. Honestly,  I remember I used to think to myself of infertile women: " why are they so stressed out? The medicine is so good nowadays and there is always an option to adopt" I hate myself for those thoughts now. 

blackrose-9

@Cinnamonn I understand too. I used to be scared of never being able to have kids, but thought it couldn't  happen to me. I'm the product of a teenage pregnancy. I'm probably fertile as could be. As I got older I had more friends get pregnant left and right. Then there were a few that went in for treatments. They complained and told everyone on Facebook so we knew every time they went in for testing and such. But they got pregnant 3-5 months later by just using clomid. So to me it didn't seem as bad as everyone made it seem. I know I'm only in my first month but this is stressful! And so nerve wrecking. I have a friend that's been ttc for 5 years now and she had pcos as well but hers seems to be worse. She has gone over a year without a period. She also has a few other things wrong. The poor girl hasn't even had a chance to try clomid yet and she has seen her RE since before I met mine. I can't imagine how she feels. I try to talk to the friends I know that have gone through treatments but they're like just relax it only took me __ months! But then I see all these women who have been trying longer. Now my cousin won't even listen to me now when I tell her updates which really sucks because she was my go to person.

gwinnyblack

I am sure some you have already mentioned it, but for me it is "stay positive" or try to reduce all of the stress (this one is the worst because I was actually told that by my dr after I had my second bfn, how are you supposed to stay positive in this situation?????) 

hibiscus118

I have a hard time with these comments: 

1.  "I don't know why you feel the way you do, isn't it your husbands fault anyway?" I have never thought that, we are a team all the way. 
2.  "Well can't you still try while you're not doing treatments?"  I've had multiple people ask me this the past 3 months.  I swear I'm not sure why they don't think we are, other than the fact that we aren't pregnant lol.  It bothers me though because while we obviously don't use protection, it would be a small miracle if it did happen.  
3.  People who flaunt themselves or their friends/relatives pregnancies who got pregnant easily.  Like that helps me. 

WDeitch91

@gwinnyblack I agree with you 100%! The stress part is the one my husband and I got constantly!! It drove me crazy!!

blackrose-9

"Maybe your marriage isn't the best and you guys just aren't ready for one " and "how about your financial situation.. are you guys stable enough for one anyways?" I know I'm only 23 and we married "young" but this is coming from a first time pregnant women who is my age and has been married for about the same amount of time as I have. To me those are awfully personal questions to be asking someone and if we were having issues I would think that we wouldn't be concerned with having children any time soon? I understand that things happen and I believe there are reasons for it, but I don't think you should go and assume what those reasons are. Let alone make it seem like it's our fault that we haven't been able to conceive..

pawcall

TW: child mentioned 
------------

I have a six year old, and we are trying for my second and my fiance's first. I hear a lot of "it's really not the end of the world, you already have one."

Thanks for assuming you know whats right for our family. And you're so right, now that I think about it, every failed month isn't actually heartbreaking. I "already have one". 

gwinnyblack

it makes me even more stressed actually 

spotsanddots

  these SUCK.
I hate to say, I have heard many of them.

I haven't opened up about our infertility journey to many people, it's so hard to say certain things aloud. Some of the few people I have told are my direct coworkers. They know about appointments, they've seen me cry, they've heard results.

Last week we were in a meeting planning for our upcoming year. One of my coworkers is stressing over an upcoming project we have, she says, "I know this mean, but I pray every night you don't get pregnant and leave me here alone."

What.The.Actual.F

Seriously??? You've seen me in the fetal position bawling over this. You've held my hand when I couldn't get it together. But you PRAY for me to be unsuccessful because for 6 weeks you'll have to hold down the fort with a fill in?  

Then she proceeds to complain about her 3 children being a burden because their father makes her life hard.

twhip25

"Don't stress, things will happen when they happen. You need to be patient..." 

...and i just look at them like, until you know how i feel keep your comments to yourself. 

lilmissslp

@spotsanddots oh girl, that's awful! What a complete b*tch!!! I'm so sorry she said that to you!

Irisheyes81

When people's unruly children are being out of control and they say "are you sure you want kids?" 

um yeah.  I don't want your snotty child but would like my own. 

LoveDontCostAThing

How about when my friend just announced she was pregnant to me...and said that she just knows, "I'll be fat with her" (yeah right she's due this month) and offered to go to the fertility dr. with me any time for support...ummm no thanks..last person I would want to bring is knocked up woman...thanks but no thanks.

AlohaKumu

@Knottie1456269879 YES. That drives me crazy when people tell me that I shouldn't want kids so much because their own kids behave so badly. I think next time, I'm just going to reply with your phrase, "I don't want your snotty child but would like my own!"

mc4dj13

I think it's great that we all have somewhere to vent to  

Comments don't bother me. Especially if I know the person is speaking from the heart and truly wants the best for me - if they know my situation or not.

I think of it as the Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays debate: If someone wishes you Merry Christmas and you don't celebrate it, it's not that they want to offend you it is more so that they just want to wish you some cheer and good tidings.

Other than that, people who are complaining about their lives under the guise of trying to deter you from having kids or waiting - they can suck it. 

Irisheyes81

@alohakumu hahahaha   

megmac2010

"You want kids? Here, take one of mine!"

AlohaKumu

@megmac2010 -- If I know the person who says that to me, I pretend to steal a child. They usually don't say it a second time. Ha ha!