I know it's not even close to Thursday anymore but this weekend made me think of an apparently UO. I think marriages should have a joint bank account. Want to have your own, separate savings account? Cool. But bills should be paid with joint money and purchases should be decided on together. Marriages are a partnership with both parties giving and taking. We have friends who refuse to mix any of their money and have assigned bills that they don't discuss with the other person. Even the cost of delivery are expected to be paid by the mom since it was her that was in the hospital. So. Strange.
@Becky012016 completely agree. That is the craziest thing I've heard about having the mom pay for the delivery fee! Pretty sure that husband was involved in making that baby. I get pretty upset if my DH starts talking about "his" money. Uh, I work full time too and make a pretty decent income. I tell him I'll just put "my" money into a separate account and he changes his tune lol.
@Becky012016@jessieR358 My parents have about the weirdest dynamic of money in a marriage that I've ever seen. They have a joint account that they use for most bills, but separate savings. They constantly talk about what is community property and what is separate property. They also talk about which bills are hers and which are his. It always sounds like they are in the process of separating finances for a divorce.
@bridge-and-wall We do that sort of. We have a joint account we each pay into every payday which covers all bills for the house and daycare. Any big expense we pay out of that account (for the house, family trips, etc). We each pay for our cars and unofficially take turns buying groceries. Works well for us since it usually evens out anyway but we never argue about who pays what or what is a "joint" expense.
@MyNamesTaken It's not really the separate accounts that I find weird. It's the talk about community vs. separate property. "This money is from when my mom died, so it's my separate property and you can't tell me how to spend it." I'm not sure if she still does, but my mom used to go as far as moving the interest into a separate joint account because (under TX law) interest on separate property is community property. She didn't want to co-mingle any funds.
I am a SAHM, so my income is zero. I would be upset if I had to ask H for money (I never do) or to make a purchase. I'm sorry, but I do a lot of work at home raising our daughter and taking care of our household. I would be really resentful if he made it seem like I didn't deserve some control over the money he brings home.
We discuss larger purchases or anything house-related (for instance, we recently needed a new boiler and made that decision together). But if I need a new purse or coat or something, I may mention I bought one but I don't ask for permission. If I needed a new computer or something, I would let him know I was looking, but it is more of a courtesy than seeking approval.
I'm also a SAHM but I usually check with DH on purchases. Idk why, I guess because my mom buys shit on top of shit on top of shit and never asks my dad.. like I grew up with my mom who was also a SAHM but would max out credit cards and hide the bills from my dad. I guess I just decided I didn't want to be like that. DH and I discuss pretty much everything. We discuss all purchases mostly because when I quit my job our budget got kind of tight. Last night I checked with him before I bought those new maternity jeans. I mean it's not like I feel like it's HIS money and I need to make sure it's okay if I spend it, I know it's our money. I pay most of the bills anyway, I'm not sure he even knows what the passwords are for some lol. But we don't have a lot of room for "extra" purchases so I usually check with him, and he checks with me too.
DH and I both work full time and he and I ask each other about purchases every time (not like getting something to eat while out or anything) but clothes, shoes, cable, gym membership, books, baby clothes and other baby stuff etc. it's a mutual respect that we each give each other, that we respect each other enough to know we both work our asses off and want each other to know where OUR hard earned money is going. It's not one sided and I love it. He takes care of the bills and finances too.
@lap018 yes exactly, mutual respect is exactly it. We even discussed purchases when I was working. But yeah it's not like I call and make sure I can get a Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich or something lol. DH does pay some bills but I like to take care of what I can because sometimes I guess I just feel like it's part of my "job" staying home, taking care of the baby and the house and stuff.
Going against the norm, most of the time DH asks me if he can buy something. But really that's just because I fill out the budget each week and I know how much we have left for each category. And he knows he's always been the spender while I'm the thrifty one. Half the time I buy something, he has to talk me into it, or I'll get really bad buyers guilt.
I actually had a friend get divorced a few years ago because her husband was what her therapist termed "financially abusive," which is actually a form of emotional abuse. He made significantly more than she did, but insisted she pay exactly half the bills, and would only pay for something for her if it was a special occasion, like an anniversary. He also refused to let her get on his (much better) health insurance because he "couldn't guarantee" that she'd always pay him for her portion on time. The last straw was when they decided to TTC, and he presented her with an itemized list of what he would and would not pay for with the baby, and it basically stated that anything that was for her- any hospital stay time, extra for a c-section, maternity clothes, anything dealing with BFing, and exactly half of everything for baby, would be her sole responsibility. I know couples for whom separate finances work well (and some it works less well for), but I think the key is to be generous and caring towards one another, still have a "we" attitude, no matter who is paying for what.
Good grief. The minute my husband hands me an itemized billing statement is the minute I question whether I married my best friend or a lawyer. When we were dating and engaged I would often pay for my meal but that's because we were both broke college kids lol. Now that we're married, I contribute very little to the account but we still make every financial decision together. That's how we wanted it so that's what we're doing.
My UO: I disagree with anyone who judges all anti-vaxxers as uneducated. Many of us have done our research and know exactly what vaccines we're okay with and which ones we have reason to believe are dangerous or ineffective. I agree that no one can opt out of science, and that also means knowing your stuff when it comes to knowing WHY or WHY NOT to allow certain substances to be injected into your child's body. Just because the pharmaceutical companies say something is safe and effective doesn't necessarily make it so. I advocate for parents being educated and in control of their child's health, whether they decide that vaccines are right for their children or not. With that said, I myself need to really dig deeply into vaccines and get myself a more thorough education before this LO comes along.
Whoaaaa @amandarene112 that's insane.... makes you wonder what their relationship was really like in other areas. He sounds very controlling. That's crazy.
@Aly0430 I admit that I find it really hard to be sympathetic towards anti-vaxxers, but that's probably because I'm terrified of how dangerous those diseases can be, especially when people who *can't* get vaccinated get sick. One of my husband's cousins is permanently bedridden from a childhood case of polio, so it's hard to think of these diseases in the abstract. Of course, I do a lot of international travel, so it would be irresponsible of me to not vaccinate my kids. Other people live different lives, so they make different choices. It is what it is.
@sarahufl@daniellelynette We're also a single-income household, but since we're not on a tight budget we don't really "check in" on each other before we make most purchases. Of course, I'm frugal bordering on cheapskate, so my husband's explicitly told me that he'd be happy if I bought myself more clothes/stuff.
@sarahufl@daniellelynette We're also a single-income household, but since we're not on a tight budget we don't really "check in" on each other before we make most purchases. Of course, I'm frugal bordering on cheapskate, so my husband's explicitly told me that he'd be happy if I bought myself more clothes/stuff.
I think this is part of why we are easy going with expenses. We are A- not on a super tight budget and B- are both really cheap and rarely buy things anyway. I know H would never run out and make extravagant purchases and neither would I, so it's a bit of a non-issue.
Harry Potter is one of my all time favorite series.
I don't think separate accounts would work in our marriage. We have multiple accounts but we are on all of them, and have full access to each. We discuss all of our major purchases and generally we let each other know when we're spending any money.
Re: UO Thursday 2/23
1989 here. I guess we're getting to "that age" now.
I get pretty upset if my DH starts talking about "his" money. Uh, I work full time too and make a pretty decent income. I tell him I'll just put "my" money into a separate account and he changes his tune lol.
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Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
**TW**
Losses:
#1: 8wks MMC 4/16
#2: 13+4 T21 + Hydrops 3/17
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Me 34 DH 34
PCOS
Baby number 2 due 4/11/20
We discuss larger purchases or anything house-related (for instance, we recently needed a new boiler and made that decision together). But if I need a new purse or coat or something, I may mention I bought one but I don't ask for permission. If I needed a new computer or something, I would let him know I was looking, but it is more of a courtesy than seeking approval.
DH does pay some bills but I like to take care of what I can because sometimes I guess I just feel like it's part of my "job" staying home, taking care of the baby and the house and stuff.
My UO: I disagree with anyone who judges all anti-vaxxers as uneducated. Many of us have done our research and know exactly what vaccines we're okay with and which ones we have reason to believe are dangerous or ineffective. I agree that no one can opt out of science, and that also means knowing your stuff when it comes to knowing WHY or WHY NOT to allow certain substances to be injected into your child's body. Just because the pharmaceutical companies say something is safe and effective doesn't necessarily make it so. I advocate for parents being educated and in control of their child's health, whether they decide that vaccines are right for their children or not. With that said, I myself need to really dig deeply into vaccines and get myself a more thorough education before this LO comes along.
Of course, I do a lot of international travel, so it would be irresponsible of me to not vaccinate my kids. Other people live different lives, so they make different choices. It is what it is.
I don't think separate accounts would work in our marriage. We have multiple accounts but we are on all of them, and have full access to each. We discuss all of our major purchases and generally we let each other know when we're spending any money.