UPDATED AGAIN: PensiveCrayon's Birth Story/Update on BabyCrayon

PensiveCrayon · January 2017

Obvious TW for some scary birth trauma that is, unfortunately, far from resolved right now.

This is Ambrose. He was born at around 11 p.m. last night. He's enormous! 9 lbs, 4 ounces, and just look at all that hair. I might be biased, but I think he's the cutest infant on earth

Apologies if this is stream-of-consciousness. I'm still trying to process everything.

On Sunday I was experiencing cramping off and on, and I figured labor was very near. Sure enough, after about an hour of being in bed that evening, I woke up with irregular contractions. (I still don't know what that was about...it's seriously not fair to start labor with contractions 3-5 minutes apart! Also, the groaning cake I picked as an early labor thing to do required three bowls and was ridiculously complicated to have to stop and breathe through so often. Just a word of warning -- read your recipe in advance!)

After about 12 hours of active labor, I was able to get my unmedicated crunchy-munchy water birth that I wanted. (Who ever knew I would be a screamer...I feel like I should bake cookies for my neighbors after the three hours of pushing they surely endured). As soon as he was out though, things took a turn for the worst. There was meconium in his amniotic fluid, which we knew and were monitoring, and he was doing great up until I started pushing, when his heart rate started to decelerate.

When he was out, he had an awfully hard time breathing, so the midwife gave him oxygen and pumped his stomach and lungs of what she could. It still wasn't doing the trick, so we called 911 and the paramedics took Ambrose, Jarrod going with and me staying behind to get stitched up and recover as best I could before heading off to be with him.

He pinked up really nicely after the paramedics were able to pump more fluid out of him, but the bad news is that he's just not doing as well as we'd hoped, and was airlifted this morning to a children's hospital in Utah to be put on an ECMO (respiratory transfer) machine to help his lungs heal up. The next two hours, as of me typing this, are critical to see how he responds. Jarrod is with him, and I'll be flying out in a few hours here. The official diagnosis is "persistent pulmonary hypertension," which is a result of him not being able to take those first gasps of air after he was born. (There were also a few other really weird birth happenings -- his very short cord was possibly causing the distress, and he had shoulder dystocia which caused him to get stuck halfway out.)

A few thoughts on all this: you make plans, God laughs. I'm now a NICU mom and I have no idea what that means. This is absolutely nothing that we expected or planned for. I didn't get my skin to skin, my breast crawl, my golden hour, my celebratory beer...I didn't even get to bond with my child before the cord connecting us was cut and he was gone. I didn't even have my glasses on, so the only image I got of him was of a fuzzy cutie pie with bluish skin and lots of hair. In some ways, I can't believe I even have a child. Which feels horrible to say.

I also feel like I'm a walking home birth horror story for others to judge, like, "Look, she wanted her beautiful water birth but at what cost to the child?" But I'm not bitter about it at all. This is a very, very rare situation, and my midwife was prepared enough to keep him stable in the event that it did happen. My mom herself has been practicing for the past 10 years and has never had a situation like this.

Anyway, if you're the praying type, keep Ambrose in your prayers. The situation right now is very serious, but we're hoping for the best outcome for him. Even if we didn't get the perfect start I'd planned, I want to take my buddy home ASAP.

Christinaruth74 · January 2017

So many prayers for sweet Ambrose ❤

Gizmo1231 · January 2017

Oh mama. You are such a strong and amazing woman. I'm keeping you and sweet Ambrose in my thoughts and prayers

maamawaabangi · January 2017

Oh lady! Don't feel like your birth is a horror story... know that very very little differs in the initial care given in situations like yours... he would likely still be in very much the same condition had you been in the hospital. It sounds like everyone did a great job responding to his needs. Please give yourself grace and just do the next thing and be mindful of caring for yourself too! He's beautiful and you did a crazy good job getting him out... and FYI im a screamer too... its intense.

Lisa3379 · January 2017

My thoughts are with you and Ambrose. I'm sorry he had such a rough start, and I hope he turns that corner and improves very soon.

cjt121413 · January 2017

I am praying so hard for you all. He is perfect and it sounds like you did an awesome job. I hope you know how many TB friends you have rooting for you, thinking of you, and praying for you.

capps42613 · January 2017

Thank you for sharing. T&P's coming your way. Xoxo

thedaint87 · January 2017

Thinking of you and Ambrose. He's such a cutie and I hope you are able to take him home soon.

WinchesterGirl · January 2017

** February lurker**

Prayers for you and Ambrose! You are a strong lady, and he is in the best place to get the care he needs!

BabyRobbinsAdventure · January 2017

So many hugs and positive vibes are being sent your way.

Sugargirl1019 · January 2017

Ahh! How scary, lady!! ECMO is major stuff!! Praying that he can come off it soon and that you get to be with him and get baby snuggles! I'm so sorry he took a turn after birth. All the hugs to you.

ajstevenson · January 2017

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family momma. It sounds like everyone has done the right thing and has worked well as a team to bring your beautiful boy into the world.

DiFazette · January 2017

I'm thinking of you all. I know we aren't your priority but please keep us posted on how he's doing when you can. I hope he stabilizes quickly and has a short stay. Hang in there, Pensive. You're already a wonderful mother. All the hugs.

dmontgo · January 2017

I am sorry to hear Ambrose is in the NICU and that you didn't get the birth you were hoping for. I felt the same when Ashton wasn't home---it was almost as if he didn't exist, yet painful at the same time. I think this is normal considering our experiences.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

ashleaf2018 · January 2017

Please don't feel guilty about your homebirth. There is absolutely no way you could have predicted this, and your midwife was still prepared enough for it to handle it when it did happen. It's certainly not the ideal outcome by any means but that does not make it your fault. My family and I have you and yours in our prayers, I hope that Ambrose's NICU stay is a very, very short one. Hugs, mama! You gave birth to a beautiful little boy and he will definitely need his mama to get through all of this. ❤

leksiL · January 2017

I'm so sorry! Thoughts your family's way!!

cayaylonglegs · January 2017

All the prayers for you and that handsome son of yours Mama Crayon! We love you and are waiting for good news!

PharmDMom · January 2017

I'm sorry things were so scary and that Ambrose is in the NICU. Praying for all of you. ❤

fauxpa-2 · January 2017

All the prayers and good vibes headed your way. I'm so sorry things got so scary so quickly!

[Deleted User] · January 2017

[Eta lurker]

Oh, Pens... ❤❤❤ so many hugs to you, mama. I'm sure it is a lot to take in [and being at the hospital pretty much blows. As scary and stressful as I've no doubt it is right now,] you will be able to grasp and process more from one moment to the next, and you WILL get through. You were - and ARE - doing everything in your power to give Ambrose the best possible start in life! Hang in there! And try not to beat yourself up. I doubt any birth ever goes 100% according to plan, so we can all just let that one go ;) and each step of the way, Ambrose will have is mommy there for him, loving on him, no matter what. Take heart knowing He's got you both in the palm of His Hand. And all of us lifting you up in prayer... Deep breaths. You got this.

danjoly · January 2017

**lurker***
Pensive, I've seen you get ready for this birth and no details were left behind. You have absolutely nothing to be guilty of. Home birth or hospital, those things happens (and it sucks big time) I really hope you get reunited with your boys soon and that Ambrose lungs start healing quickly. All the love for you my friend ❤

MrsDho11 · January 2017

Lurking to give you, Ambrose, and Jarrod lots of love.

Sending good thoughts your way.

paulpaw · January 2017

God bless little Ambrose, I'm thinking of you and your family!

tinattt23 · January 2017

So sorry you're going through all this! You're in our thoughts.

karmba · January 2017

Oh man, I am so sorry that this is happening. Please don't feel guilty over having a home birth, something like this can (and does) happen anywhere. I hope you can reach Ambrose soon and that you and your DH can find strength in each other. Keep us posted - we're all thinking of you and can offer support.

zubenescamali · January 2017

So many prayers coming your way. I'm so sorry baby Ambrose is critical right now, I hope she stabilizes soon. Also agree with the others, birth is unpredictable and you didn't do anything wrong nor would it have likely changed anything if you birthed in the hospital vs at home. Be strong mama, you've got so many people here to lean on through this!

silverfrost · January 2017

Ambrose is a beautiful baby! I can relate; my son was having a seizure immediately out of the birth canal, so I didn't get any skin to skin, my husband had to cut the cord immediately, and our little boy was taken away to the NICU before I could even really say "hi." All of our NICU time felt very...unnatural, and it was almost as if he wasn't really *here* until we brought him home. If that makes any sense...

I will be thinking of you guys during this critical time! Hugs!

jptrumptone · January 2017

Thinking of you guys!

m6agua · January 2017

Lurking

I hope your LO makes a quick recovery. My thoughts are with you and your family.

H4aPartyof5 · January 2017

I am so sorry @PensiveCrayon that Ambrose is going through this. I hope that his NICU stay will be very brief, and I will be keeping him and your family in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Mamax2 · January 2017

Pensive, you are such a strong woman. I'm sorry that Ambrose is dealing with some health concerns, but you guys will be in my prayers.

Pgh_Kel · January 2017

Thinking of you and your family right now, I hope that Ambrose shows signs of improvement soon!!

phoenix870509 · January 2017

Praying for Ambrose. Stay strong mama, you've got a lot of people praying for you guys. Sending creepy Internet hugs your way.

kattyc-2 · January 2017

Sending so much love your way - thoughts & prayers are with you guys. Stay strong little Ambrose, all your fans at TB are rooting for you

sourlemon · January 2017

Hugs and big time prayers!

PensiveCrayon · January 2017

Thank you so much for your kind words everyone! Short update is that they still haven't put him on the ECMO -- he just keeps improving. This is coming from my MIL who tends to put a positive spin on things, so I'll feel better when I'm there with him in person. On a plane getting ready to take off now.

sarah0985 · January 2017

Lurker

@pensivecrayon Your story isn't one to judge at all and anyone who does can eff off. You gave it so much thought and preparation and this outcome has nothing to do with your birth choice. So many hugs to you right now. Congrats on being a mommy because even if you don't feel it yet, you are one. Xoxox

kellybean1988 · January 2017

**lurker**

@PensiveCrayon i am praying soooo hard for little Ambrose and your family. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to plan for this, regardless of your birth situation. Eff anyone who judges that! I am so happy your LO has arrived and once again and keeping you all in my prayers. Much love, friend!

ErikandAfton · January 2017

Praying for Ambrose and you.

aevan011 · January 2017

Keeping you & your family in my prayers. I hope things turn around quickly for Ambrose & that you can get him home as soon as you safely, possibly can.

houseofsetters · January 2017

Oh, how scary, Pensive!! So many prayers for you, Ambrose, and Jarrod. This could happen to anyone in any birthing situation, home or hospital. Will be praying that he continues to improve and is back home soon!!

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UPDATED AGAIN: PensiveCrayon's Birth Story/Update on BabyCrayon

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