I'm back with another update. I thought I was getting somewhere with H. He visited last Saturday and we came up with a visitation schedule for him to see DS1 4 days a week for 4 hour blocks. He hasn't made one visit and has continued to demand to pick up my son, even demanding to take him for the weekend. He has yet to receive any treatment and refuses AA or counseling. He was drunk again last night making accusations and spewing nonsense by text.
I've seen a lawyer and I was advised that I would basically have to hand over my boys and hire a PI and wait to catch him in the act. I still don't know where he's living or where to look for my son should I need to. i plan on filing for divorce and custody on Monday and claim abandonment since I have no idea where to find him and hope the clock runs out and I get a default ruling. I haven't researched this yet.
I had a case of BH in which i reached out to him and he said he'd drop me off at the hospital and take DS1. So now I can't even involve him in DS2's birth. I've made arrangements for my sister to step in.
The good news is that I hired a live in nanny. She's a 50 y/o woman with a history of foster care, daycare and elder care in Idaho who moved back to California to be near, but not on top of, her pregnant daughter. She starts her move in tomorrow to help get things ready for DS2 and so DS1 can get acclimated to her.
I'm still completely stressed out and feeling more sad with each day that goes by. I'm so disappointed for the situation that my boys and I are in. However, things seem to be falling in place allowing me to believe that I'm doing the right thing and the universe is helping bring things together.
@SuperFudge00 I'm so sorry to hear that things have taken a turn again. From going through recovery with my sister, I know in the early stages it can often be one step forward, two steps back. I hope he gets to a place where he feels he is ready to accept help and treatment and turn things around for himself and your family. I'm glad you're getting some in home support though, and I hope you're still getting support from your family. Thinking hopeful thoughts for you dear!
@SuperFudge00 I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all this has you prepare for your new little one. I wish there was an easier way to make people want to get their act together. Hopefully your new nanny will be a huge help and I'm glad your sister is also lending a hand! I hope your H will start to make some positive changes in his own life to take some of this stress off of you!
I know this is not the outcome you wanted and even the little things seem to be getting difficult, but you are handling yourself very well. I'm so glad you've found a nanny who sounds like she'll be a great fit and that your sister is so helpful. I hope the rest of the legal stuff goes without a hitch. Your sons are so lucky to have a mama who protects them while they're young like you are doing!
I can't imagine your situation, but as someone who got out of an abusive marriage 4 years ago - you won't regret it. I know it seems like such a long road, but you are doing what's best for you and your kids. Props to you for being so brave, and so glad your sister and the nanny will be able to make it easier on you.
So I don't have much good news. H still hasn't seen DS1, it's been 2.5 weeks. He said he'd go to AA today and visit but only had 30 minutes. Ds1 is 17 months old, such a short visit would be more disruptive than beneficial. H says he'll go to AA in the morning and visit after.
This change of attitude was brought on by a realization of the evidence I actually have of his drinking and endangerment. For some reason I thought this incident happened on Thursday 7/21, but it was actually Wednesday 7/20. I have a Facebook post screenshot of him posting about drinking with a bottle and shots of tequila the day this happened. I took a picture when I pulled into the driveway because he parked in a way that made me park funny. I didn't realize it was because he had been drinking when I took it. Then I have the subsequent pictures and video of his behavior. I feel fully confident that I can prove to a judge that he was drinking and driving with my son and that my request for supervised visits would be granted.
I expressed this to H and offered to come to an agreement that we can propose to family court that would require supervised visits at the house with AA/counseling attendance and sobriety and that we could revisit the issue in 6 months. I showed him the paperwork I was filling out and the guidelines for supervised visits that were much less favorable than what I was offering. I also expressed that despite SS's mother not caring about his drinking, the court might have a different opinion based on my evidence.
As far as the nanny, she has moved in and DS1 is really taking to her. I've been able to have some downtime while he gets to play. She also cooks and cleans so I'm able to spend more quality time with DS rather than trying to juggle everything. I don't like having a "stranger" in my house but I'm getting used to it. She's also a little mothering toward me, but I can probably use some. Basically, I don't like that this is the situation I'm in, but things are pretty good considering.
I'm 36w3d today and if DS2 is on DS1's schedule, he could come in a week. H has assured me that he doesn't want to miss the birth. I really hope he gets his act together so he doesn't have to be excluded. I won't be put in an unsafe situation when I'm so vulnerable.
@SuperFudge00 I don't think that anything will make this situation easy, but it sounds like you are taking all of the right steps to ensure your son's safety. As hard as it is, it's so helpful to have that picture "evidence", I feel like that will go a lot further than he said/she said in court. I think of you often and I hope that he can really get help at some point. And please, please don't feel guilty about the birth, it's on him if he can't pull it together (unfortunately it's sounding like he can't), and try not to let him make you feel bad about it at such a fragile time. Yours and baby's safety comes first!!
Sorry to hear that he didn't follow through on his promises, but it sounds like you've got everything in order. Too bad it had to come to this, but you're doing the right thing for your kids.
Thanks ladies. I just completed the divorce and custody packet, assuming I did it correctly. I wrote a 3 page statement explaining why he needs supervised visits and printed out 20+ pictures and screenshots that prove his alcoholism. This is so draining but it feels good to have it done before DS2 gets here.
You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children, never feel guilty about that. Again, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. We're all here for you.
You have done the right thing. It doesn't sound like any amount of pleading will get him to AA. At this point, I would say he's lost your trust, and he should have to work hard to get it back. I think it's fair to assume he's lying to you when he swears he'll go. If he does start going...good for him. But, this is no longer about him going or not. Just assume he won't, and be pleasantly surprised if he does.
Sobriety takes a lot lot of hard work. If he's not willing to try, and he's this new to the game, it doesn't bode well. I'd tell him he gets SOME benefits back when he can show that he's been sober for 30 days. Otherwise, I'd ask him to leave you alone.
Im glad you have someone living with you who can help. Hopefully, it works out well. You need to take care of yourself and your children. I think you'll feel better when you stop expecting any type of miracle from this man.
I'm so sorry all of this is going on, but you're doing all the right things. I'm really impressed that you're doing what needs to be done, I knowit has to be so, so hard! Proud of you, mama!
This little shit tried to threaten to sue me for half of my property and force me to sell my home if I didn't let him see our son on his terms.
I received an inheritance before we married and purchased the condo we lived in and currently rent outright and he signed a quit claim deed. Then I refinanced it to purchase the current home, which he also signed a quit claim.
I explained that he would only be entitled to half of the equity less the money that came from the first property, as told by the lawyer, and that the leftover equity is minimal. I then explained that he would be on the hook for half of my student loans as we used those to live on (not all but enough) while I was in school and he was a victim of the recession. I explained that if he pushed it he would end up with more debt as I was accepting all of my student loans as sole debt.
The courts closed earlier than I thought so I put off filing until tomorrow. I will be amending the property division to give him his share of the debt in case he tries to argue this later.
You can do it. Will be praying for Your strength. Backup your evidence files on Google drive so you can access them anywhere. Try to deflect through your lawyer so you can establish how serious his claims are being taken. But if you feel unsafe at any time call the police and let them intervene.
What a dick move! He's not the man you once knew. He is his addiction now. You're doing a fantastic job taking care of your boys and their welfare, and really dotting your i's and crossing your t's!
My god - what a piece of work! I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this crap. I really admire how you are handling it though. You are one strong woman!
I'm glad you said it. He's flailing now, trying anything he can to get under your skin and make you change your mind. My father did the same thing to my mother once he realized he was losing everything -- he came after her personally and in a very vindictive way. Way to stay strong and stick up for yourself and your son -- you are doing everything right. Stay strong!!
Even though nothing "happened", officially filing is one of the first steps in the right direction! You're doing the very best for your boys. It's not easy, I'm sure, but you're doing great. Stay strong, Mama!
So with the realization of the filing and his unwillingness to admit he has a problem, I told him that AA wasn't going to be enough. I've told him that he needs to go to counseling with me so a professional can help him understand how serious his actions were and continue to be and that if he doesn't go then he can wait until our court ruling to see the boys. He told me to make an appointment for next week. We'll see his that goes.
Counseling reneged, why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm going to the pro per clinic today to see if I can get an emergency temporary order, they were closed the day I filed. He won't give me a way to serve him and keeps saying he'll see me in court. I'm like, "yes, so let me serve you so we can move the process alone." I'm afraid that he'll show up when I'm not here or when I have the baby and try to take my son and because he'll be the only parent and my nanny or family won't be able to call the police to stop him. I don't know if I believe he'd really do that but I have to do everything I can.
The emergency custody order has been granted. I'm so relieved and so sad. At least I know that the court will take my concerns seriously. We have a court date at the end of October.
So H was informed the day I got the order. He is refusing to be served and I still don't know where he is living. He continues to demand to pick up our son despite the order. The order and court date setting (I won't tell him the date so he has incentive to be served) have made him attempt to work with me, but not enough. He says he will go to counseling so I gave him the contact info but he has yet to schedule an appointment. He continues to blame me and marriage failures for our break up, but neglects the alcohol-related actions that endangered our son. I see that he is clinging to this denial for self-preservation. He hasn't seen my son in over a month. I'm beyond heartbroken for my babies. He still acts like he thinks he can wear me down and break me. I don't know who he thinks he's been married to.
DS has bonded with the nanny. I have my issues but she is great with him.
Stay strong @SuperFudge00 and don't let his blaming you for the issues get to you! You've done nothing but try to help him and your relationship. Keep reminding yourself of that and know you're doing the best for you and your family. Keeping my fingers crossed that he will finally realize he needs to change and will get the help he needs.
Glad to see DS has bonded with the nanny. Hope your issues with her can be resolved.
You have handled this entire situation with grace and dignity. You are doing the absolute best for you and your kids, never blame yourself. You've taken responsibility for keeping yourself and your kids safe. You are a rockstar.
Sending thoughts your way! You have handled everything as well as anyone could have and it sounds like you are making decisions that are in the best interest of your kids. I hope things become easier for you and stay strong!
It's getting so much harder to handle as DS2's arrival gets closer. I just don't know how I'm going to handle all of the postpartum hormones. I am so angry.
@SuperFudge00 it won't be easy BUT you can do this! Rely on the support systems you have and go to counseling if needed. You are doing the right thing for your boys and yourself. My ex cheated on me when I was 8 mos pregnant with DD1 and I knew, but found out for sure when she was one week old. It was hard but I was strong for my daughter and counted on my friends and family when I needed to, which is hard for me. I also was on antidepressants for a bit which helped get through the rough times. I know I don't know you but from what I've read you are very brave and very strong. You got this.
Re: Need to vent
I've seen a lawyer and I was advised that I would basically have to hand over my boys and hire a PI and wait to catch him in the act. I still don't know where he's living or where to look for my son should I need to. i plan on filing for divorce and custody on Monday and claim abandonment since I have no idea where to find him and hope the clock runs out and I get a default ruling. I haven't researched this yet.
I had a case of BH in which i
reached out to him and he said he'd drop me off at the hospital and take DS1. So now I can't even involve him in DS2's birth. I've made arrangements for my sister to step in.
The good news is that I hired a live in nanny. She's a 50 y/o woman with a history of foster care, daycare and elder care in Idaho who moved back to California to be near, but not on top of, her pregnant daughter. She starts her move in tomorrow to help get things ready for DS2 and so DS1 can get acclimated to her.
I'm still completely stressed out and feeling more sad with each day that goes by. I'm so disappointed for the situation that my boys and I are in. However, things seem to be falling in place allowing me to believe that I'm doing the right thing and the universe is helping bring things together.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Hold on tight! You're doing great!
This change of attitude was brought on by a realization of the evidence I actually have of his drinking and endangerment. For some reason I thought this incident happened on Thursday 7/21, but it was actually Wednesday 7/20. I have a Facebook post screenshot of him posting about drinking with a bottle and shots of tequila the day this happened. I took a picture when I pulled into the driveway because he parked in a way that made me park funny. I didn't realize it was because he had been drinking when I took it. Then I have the subsequent pictures and video of his behavior. I feel fully confident that I can prove to a judge that he was drinking and driving with my son and that my request for supervised visits would be granted.
I expressed this to H and offered to come to an agreement that we can propose to family court that would require supervised visits at the house with AA/counseling attendance and sobriety and that we could revisit the issue in 6 months. I showed him the paperwork I was filling out and the guidelines for supervised visits that were much less favorable than what I was offering. I also expressed that despite SS's mother not caring about his drinking, the court might have a different opinion based on my evidence.
As far as the nanny, she has moved in and DS1 is really taking to her. I've been able to have some downtime while he gets to play. She also cooks and cleans so I'm able to spend more quality time with DS rather than trying to juggle everything. I don't like having a "stranger" in my house but I'm getting used to it. She's also a little mothering toward me, but I can probably use some. Basically, I don't like that this is the situation I'm in, but things are pretty good considering.
I'm 36w3d today and if DS2 is on DS1's schedule, he could come in a week. H has assured me that he doesn't want to miss the birth. I really hope he gets his act together so he doesn't have to be excluded. I won't be put in an unsafe situation when I'm so vulnerable.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Sobriety takes a lot lot of hard work. If he's not willing to try, and he's this new to the game, it doesn't bode well. I'd tell him he gets SOME benefits back when he can show that he's been sober for 30 days. Otherwise, I'd ask him to leave you alone.
Im glad you have someone living with you who can help. Hopefully, it works out well. You need to take care of yourself and your children. I think you'll feel better when you stop expecting any type of miracle from this man.
I received an inheritance before we married and purchased the condo we lived in and currently rent outright and he signed a quit claim deed. Then I refinanced it to purchase the current home, which he also signed a quit claim.
I explained that he would only be entitled to half of the equity less the money that came from the first property, as told by the lawyer, and that the leftover equity is minimal. I then explained that he would be on the hook for half of my student loans as we used those to live on (not all but enough) while I was in school and he was a victim of the recession. I explained that if he pushed it he would end up with more debt as I was accepting all of my student loans as sole debt.
The courts closed earlier than I thought so I put off filing until tomorrow. I will be amending the property division to give him his share of the debt in case he tries to argue this later.
This guy is a piece of shit.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
so sorry that you have to
deal with all of this crap. I really admire how you are handling it though. You are one strong woman!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
DS has bonded with the nanny. I have my issues but she is great with him.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Glad to see DS has bonded with the nanny. Hope your issues with her can be resolved.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!