General Rants

roxgibbons · September 2016

@newmommycoop Ughh I am so sorry about the ultrasound. That is terrible- I am very sorry you have to go through that. The dog trainer sounds amazing. It's so nice to come across such wonderful people during a stressful, terrible time.

JessyKV · September 2016

Rant- just found out my husband has to travel to Florida for work a week before my should be first fertile window off the bench since D&C. So now on top of all the nerves and emotions of trying again I have to worry about Zika. Or decide not to try?? He might have to go monthly so it's not like waiting will help. Boo

KarenBeth714 · September 2016

oh no that sucks! What are they telling people who live/ travel to Florida to do about Zika? Can he test for it each time he returns?

PleaseSendPicklesNow · September 2016

@JessyKV No! That's a tough one. I'd ask your doctor, and emphasize that he may need to be in Florida on a regular basis.

I was tested for Zika in February after traveling to affected countries in January. It took weeks for my results to come back. They were backed up because there aren't many labs that process Zika tests. I hate to say it, but if they're still moving that slowly, frequent testing might not help much.

stephann85 · September 2016

My understanding is that there are only certain areas in Florida that are affected by Zika, mainly Miami-Dade area. The cdc has guidelines for people that are traveling to these areas, https://www.cdc.gov/zika/intheus/florida-update.html . There is even a section on couples that are wanting to get pregnant.

RiverSong15 · September 2016

@JessyKV - Oh no! Tell him to wear lots of bug spray, even during the day. Long pants and sleeves.... Even if it IS Florida....

JessyKV · September 2016

Thanks for your responses ladies. I researched it more after I vented and it sounds like the outbreak is only in Miami so far and he is not going near that part of the state. So hopefully it shouldn't be an issue. I'll still have him wear protective clothing and bug spray. Still makes me nervous and sucks to even have to worry about. I'll definitely see what my doctor says.

Sounds like they only test if you have symptoms or are pregnant and it could take weeks. I'm hoping he doesn't have to go monthly!!

jwg9101 · September 2016

Oh no! My RE is very cautious about Zika and we even cancelled our upcoming Disney trip because of it (my rant can be about that). She said that if we traveled to Florida, she was bound to advise us to wait SIX MONTHS after traveling to begin TTC. The risks are just too high that my DH would catch it and transmit it to me. Apparently the virus lives much longer in men than it does women - that's the reason for the 6 month wait. In the end, the decision would be up to us but she definitely advised us against it.

PabloAndChristine · September 2016

New rant: seems like DTD timing is totally off between me and my DH recently. And that's the last thing I want to deal with/stress about. That is all. :-)

BitterBetty12 · September 2016

So a bit of a dear diary post ahead. I had a long week, and wasn't around much because I spent a bit too much time in my own head.

My anxiety, which I have spoken a lot about on this board, took a turn for the worst this week. I haven't felt anxiety this bad in several years. My anxiety is mostly health related, and I had a symptom pop up last week that freaked me out. In the past when my anxiety was at its worst, I would avoid the doctor because I was terrified of having my fears confirmed. I eventually learned that going to the doctor was actually my best bet because she could either alleviate my fears, or send me for tests if there was a legitimate concern. After 4-5 days, my anxiety was at a point that I just couldn't function normally anymore. I ended up leaving work early on my first day with kids (right after seeing my last class) to go to my primary doctor. As difficult as it was to make that choice (leaving early on day 1!) I am so happy I did.

She checked me out and said she had no concerns about me physically, but wanted me to think about going back to a therapist. We both agreed that this relapse is most definitely related to my loss, and that establishing a relationship with a therapist before I'm hopefully KU again will be a good thing for me. She gave me the name and number of someone near where I work who specializes in OCD and anxiety disorders. I made an appointment earlier this summer that I cancelled after I 'felt better', but I'm determined to keep this one.

rainbowturtles · September 2016

So sorry to hear you're having such a hard time but very happy you are taking steps and also happy to hear from you because you were definitely missed

Your absence does not go unnoticed

yolandamunoz · September 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this, but also glad you are doing something to feel
better. I hope your therapy appointment goes very well and that this is helpful to you.
hugs

chloe97 · September 2016

@BitterBetty12 I'm so sorry and completely empathize with you. What you just described is exactly what has been going on with me. I've been good for a week, but have had a migraine this whole week so that may be why I'm not in my head about deadly disease- just trying to get thorough the pain!

Im so glad you were able to have an honest conversation with your Dr about your issues. I've never had an honest conversation about my hypochondria/ anxiety with my primary care Dr. I don't want to go back on Zoloft and I'm afraid she will recommend it if I bring it up.

Thank you for sharing your story and please come here when you are too far in your head. We are happy to hear what is going on in there and help try to talk you through it. Hugs!

BitterBetty12 · September 2016

@chloe97 Thank you so much

You are such an amazing support, especially when it comes to my anxiety issues. I know I can always count on you to talk it out with me, and that means a lot! I hope you know the same also goes for you. I hope your migraine goes away but that your anxiety stays away with it. If it doesn't, and you're anything like me, staying in your head rather than vocalizing what you're feeling and trying to talk it out is the worst thing to do. So if you're ever having one of those moments and you realize you need to talk, I'm always here!

Oddly enough, my primary did ask me if I was ever on anything before (I was, Zoloft, but I was in high school). She said it isn't something she necessarily thinks I need, but if I get to that point she wanted me to know it was considered safe enough for pregnancy. I appreciated it, but at the same time was like, no this is exactly what I'm trying to avoid right now.

NewMommyCoop · September 2016

@BitterBetty12 I am sorry you're having a difficult time right now. I hope the therapist is able to help you through this. It's a huge positive that you recognized it early and reached out. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

TScalei · September 2016

Im sorry you had a tough week @BitterBetty12 but I am glad you are getting help. I think thats a good step and hopefully will help! I hope this week goes better for you!

PleaseSendPicklesNow · September 2016

RANT: I just learned something terrible, and I don't know what to do with this information.

Last night I was researching the genetic mutation that caused our son's death, and I learned something I did NOT want to know: A study in a reputable, peer-reciewed academic journal showed that in over 90% of cases, the mutation comes from the father. The study's sample size was small; 13 cases were examimed and in 12 of those cases, the mutation was paternal in origin.

I never keep secrets from my husband, but I'm not sure what to do in this case.

The mutation is random, very rare, and very unlikely to recur in our family. So is there any reason I should tell my husband what I learned? The information is unlikely to help us in the future, and it would probably just make him feel bad. So it it wrong to keep it from him? What would you do?

RiverSong15 · September 2016

That's so rough @PleaseSendPicklesNow. I totally understand the desire to protect your H. If it were me, I'd probably go based on how my H was acting. If he was really tortured by the idea of how this happened, I might tell him and emphasize that it's random, but only if I thought he'd really want to know the facts. A lot of men might not want to know. For now, maybe talk about how you found out it's truly random and unlikely to recur, and see how your H responds? I'm with you - I don't see the point of torturing your H over something he can't control and is unlikely to happen again.

Another point is that a single study with only 12 cases is a ridiculously small sample size (for understandable reasons of course, but still, it's small). Without reading the article, it's hard to know how rigorous the study was, how much peer review it got, etc. Without being 100% sure about the quality of the study, I'm not sure I'd share.

chloe97 · September 2016

@PleaseSendPicklesNow I would say do not tell your husband, but I'm the kind of person who can't keep secrets and would spill eventually- probably during the worst possible time. If you think you can avoid telling him then just don't. Maybe it will come out years from now when the pain is less raw and it will be easier for him to hear. Now it's not going to do any good.

Its obviously not the same thing since my pregnancy only lasted to 13 weeks, but we found out that our baby had Triploidy of maternal origin- so definitely my "fault". It sucked big time. Being 37 and the female, the chances were really good that it was going to be my "fault" no matter what, but it didn't change how guilty it made me feel. When it comes down to it, this whole process is random and anything can happen and it's no ones' actual fault, but that doesn't change the way news like that makes you feel.

TScalei · September 2016

@pleasesendpicklewsnow - I agree with @riversong15 to see how your H is acting. I know with my H seems to take the thought that the "problem" could be with him harder than I would. If there is something that I have that is preventing full term pg I would just want to get it fixed and move on. I feel like men are a bit more sensitive about those things and feel less manly & whatnot.

I dont think withholding something from your H (at least for the present time) is wrong esp if it is sparing his feeling through what is already a difficult time.

Aera11 · September 2016

the BLOAT is real. Holy hell. It's been progressively getting worse and I knew with the shots they said the second half of the cycle is when all the side effects show up. Do any of you have any remedies for bloat? I normally don't even get it with AF so I don't really know what to do.

RiverSong15 · September 2016

@Aera11 - In general, drinking lots of water and eating fiber (whole grains, etc) helps with bloat. Eat smaller, more frequent meals, maybe avoid gassy vegetables (beans, broccoli, cabbage, and the like). Avoid carbonated beverages. Those all help me when I'm feeling bloated.

Aera11 · September 2016

Thank you @RiverSong15! The nurse also said V8 or protein drinks will help...? I pulled out my maternity leggings from December

PleaseSendPicklesNow · September 2016

Thanks for the advice. I realized that it would probably hurt my husband to know he likely contributed the genetic material that led to our son's death, so I'm going to *try* not to tell him. He already knows the mutation was random, and hasn't been stressed about how or why it happened, so I should't burden him.

I, on the ther hand, can't think about anything else. Last night was agony. I couldn't look my husband in the eye, desperately avoided him, refused to talk a walk with him or hang pictures together (even though I've been begging him to help me hang pictures for weeks), and cried uncontrollably when we went to bed. He kept trying to engage and repeatedly asked what was wrong. I kept lying and saying, "I just miss the baby. That's all."

I NEVER lie to my husband. It felt so wrong.
This is going to suck.

chloe97 · September 2016

@PleaseSendPicklesNow I am so so sorry that you are going through this.

If it's really eating a hole in you like this, then I think you should tell your husband. Think how you would feel if the situation were reversed and your husband was hiding something from you that was making him that upset.

I have found in my grief I have become fixated on why my loss occurred and how I could prevent it im the future. I've also become fixated on my health and hold a grudge for an insensitive comment that a friend made 6 months ago. There is no rhyme or reason with grief, but it sounds like what you are describing is your grief manifesting itself. You also most certainly could be suffering from PPD. I really really hope that you are seeking counseling. The trauma that you have been through is just unbearable and you can't get through this alone.

Please take of yourself and know that we are all here for you.

TScalei · September 2016

Oh @PleaseSendPicklesNow Im so sorry you are going through all of this. I agree with @chloe97 that since it is on your mind so much you should just tell him. If it makes you feel a tiny bit better - it is worth it. You and you husband have already been through so much together that you can get through this.

I know personally my husband has been my greatest support through all of this and our 2 losses have brought us closer together. So I don't want you to lose that if you are avoiding him because you are hiding some thing from him.

yolandamunoz · September 2016

I'm so sorry @PleaseSendPicklesNow I agree with pps if you are in such pain and suffering, please tell your H and let him know that this is not his fault, that you just can't keep this from him as it's hurting you so much to try to do it.

I am sure he will be understanding and together you can face the sorrow that this news can bring.

RiverSong15 · September 2016

I'm hosting book club this week, and this one lady is bringing her baby that is only 2-3 weeks older than my first baby should be. I was hoping she'd stay home - seeing as she has a new baby and all. Now I'll have to sit there and listen to everyone coo over the new baby while wanting to run away and hide because I'll be thinking about how I should have a baby that age too. Good thing I stocked up on wine?

BitterBetty12 · September 2016

@RiverSong15 Ugh. That absolutely does not sound like fun. I would have assumed she would stay home. Sorry

Wine will hopefully help!

TScalei · September 2016

I just came from a similar situation @riversong15 - being around my friends baby. It's just so hard sitting there while other people fawn over a baby - it's like your heart is physically breaking. Them I feel so guilty for feeling this way like I'm a bad person. But then coming on here makes me feel less alone in all of it.

chloe97 · September 2016

Ugh @RiverSong15 That sounds like my version of hell. My pregnant coworker was walking to her car today the same time as I was walking out with my work BFF is just clueless. BFF calls pregnant coworker over to walk with us and starts in about how she needs to get the pregnant lady parking spot. I unceremoniously B-lined out of there without saying goodbye . It was very evident that I was trying to avoid pregnant coworker who I was previously very friendly with. I cried in my car all the way home. Work BFF and I have the same commute on gridlocked freeway so I kept my sunglasses off and let myself sob like a baby in hopes that she would see me and it may sink in that she needs to be more sensitive around me. Doubtful. She continually goes on and on about the pregnancy of another coworker in front of a good coworker friend of hers who is dealing with IF and obstacles adopting. It's so clueless.

Is there anyone you are close enough who is familiar with your situation and could politely encourage her to not bring the baby or at least discourage the fawning? It should be easy enough for a mom who needs to keep her baby close to downplay the baby.

DungeonTrollMel · September 2016

@RiverSong15 I am so sorry. I know there are no words in the world that can make that ok. So many hugs

RiverSong15 · September 2016

Thanks @BitterBetty12, @chloe97, @TScalei, and @DungeonTrollMel. It does suck. Unfortunately, no one in the book club knows. I'm not super close with some of them, and the two women I'm closest with work with my DH. And I don't think they could keep the secret at his work. Ugh.

@chloe97 - Your work BFF sounds like a piece of work. How can someone be that clueless?

Aera11 · September 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm sorry, that situation totally sucks. I don't even see how a night out for book group or with your friends would be relaxing if you're toting around a baby.

@chloe97 your work BFF needs to get a clue. She is either TOTALLY oblivious or thinks it doesn't bother you, which, how could it not? Maybe you need to spell it out for her so she can be a help when you cross paths with the preggo.

chloe97 · September 2016

@Aera11 I should use the term BFF loosely. We aren't super close, but she's my only female coworker in my Dept, so we are inseparable during the work day. She's always been not receptive to hearing about my issues related to my losses. My theory is because she missed her window to have kids and is bitter about it, but it's probably not fair to project. I've actually found that a few of my friends in their 40s who aren't having kids but at one point wanted them are actually the least sympathetic about what I'm going through.

Aera11 · September 2016

I feel like all the more reason for her to then relate to you @chloe97. It seems like she would have a little more empathy. I hope she comes to realize on her own then. I have a friend who cannot relate to anything marriage/baby/loss related. She is still single (in and out of a lot of relationships) and she never wants to listen to any of us talk about issues relating to those topics. She has never directly said anything, but I can just tell by how she always changes the subject. In that circle of friends, there are still enough of us that don't have kids but everyone is now married. I want to genuinely tell her to freeze her eggs but it's not my place...

On a ranting side note...

1.) I hate how I am SS PMS symptoms. Lower back ache, face is breaking out a little, bloat (<--- that has been the story of my life for the last 72 hours), super sore nipples/boobs.

2.) I don't know if any of you waste your time watching The Duggars like me (guilty pleasure) but I cannot stand to listen to those girls/parents assume they'll all just get married and squeeze out a few kids the next day. I would never wish infertility on anyone but I hope one of them struggles a little so they'll shut their damn mouths. I know they aren't oblivious to loss but they project the idea that they will immediately be having babies. DH asked tonight why I watch that garbage, normally I find it entertaining but I guess multiple losses have made me jaded.

fivetimesnoluck · September 2016

Lurking to say to I totally agree with you, @Aera11 - the Duggars, and others in the Quiverfull or whatever they call it movement(s) make me so sad. I know how out of sorts and defective I have personally felt with my own troubles. I can only imagine facing IF and/or RPL in a community where the ability to reproduce is often seen as your primary value as a woman. I started a thread before I even saw this but about "reality" tv!

brady0517 · September 2016

Today has been a whirlwind. Its been 5 weeks since my ectopic and I thought I was doing ok but apparently not. I just learned that one of my bosses wife smoked her ENTIRE pregnancy with her newest son and she puts mt dew in both of her children's bottles, one is 18 months and the other is 6 months. I am not trying to say I know what is good for her children,but how does she get to smoke during her pregnancy and get a healthy baby and I do everything I can to be healthy and I get my tube removed! Just a day to feel sorry for myself. Also, my sister in law posting pictures of her 2nd trimester belly when I should be getting one too didn't help anything either

chloe97 · September 2016

I've been seeing stupid commercials for Bridget Jones' baby. Of course I roll my eyes and change the channel or leave the room. Though I enjoyed the other BJ movies, I have no desire to see it, but I was reading about it today. Apparently she gets spontaneously pregnant at 43 and has a healthy, complications-free pregnancy. The chances of a woman who drank and smoked as much as her randomly getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy are so small. So now all kinds of young women are going to see it and think "see I have time- Bridget Jones got pregnant at 43!"

yolandamunoz · September 2016

Oh! I saw that Bridget jones trailer too... Accidental pregnancies are not that funny any more for me...

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