General Rants

JDW0325

I had someone close to me say it was "silly" to blame myself for my miscarriage, it happens all the time, blah blah.
I cried and cried b/c it was just so incredibly insensitive. Then I got really angry. I am still somewhere in the in-between of the two now.
Sometimes people really suck. 

ceclarlinetlo

@RiverSong15 I feel like my post might have upset you - and I honestly apologize. I can totally see now how my original post could have been read differently than I meant (but I also whole heartedly agree that someone's intent and how it's received are not always equal - and it's the feelings of the person receiving who matter more in the exchange.)

 If I upset anyone else please accept my apology as well. Some of you might not remember me or are probably new since I posted regularly here (mostly 2015) and might be thinking who is this lurker driving by saying insensitive things - and as someone who has had two losses myself I would never want to hurt someone currently in the depths of grief. I know that each persons grief is personal and what is helpful or harmful isn't universal - and again I am sorry if what I said was harmful to any of you ladies.

kiki75

@JDW0325 Oh my.... I can't believe someone actually told you it was 'silly' to blame yourself. It's so natural and so very common to blame yourself that it was about the third thing my doctor said (1. I'm sorry 2. DX 3. You did nothing wrong.) and she spent a fair part of my follow-up appointment patiently and gently telling me the same thing when I asked pretty much the same thing in a number of ways.

It's completely normal to have those feelings of self blame and to feel like you failed in some way and it's not at all silly. Yes, if you stop to ask yourself if you think that person X who just went through a loss should blame herself, your response is an emphatic no. And even when you can pass it through your logical side and you can recognize that the logic of self-blame doesn't hold up, feelings are feelings and they're not logical or based in fact. Feeling that way is not at all silly.

rainbowturtles

"How your heart can miss someone you've never met" 
This just reminded me that I have heard some weird things regarding my other losses. My dad died when I was 3 months old. I really struggled when I was growing up, with that very sentiment: how can I be so sad about someone I don't remember? I have gotten mixed comments about it over the years. Some people think it must be easier because I didn't know him, others think it would be harder to never have known him. But I guess that's what I don't get: why people feel they have the right to quantify someone's grief. Having lost my stepdad, the only "dad I knew", to cancer 7yrs ago, I can tell you they are both hard, they're just both different. Both my miscarriages were different, too, but both horribly sad and difficult. And I still get sad about all of these losses; grief doesn't just go away.

Anyways, I know that was slightly off topic and "dear diary" but basically, I know grief is a tough topic but I wish people could just say those things: I'm sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help? Instead of trying to tell you why you shouldn't be so sad or it could be worse or some other bullshit like that

TScalei

Perfectly said @rainbowturtles! I think people are under the false impression that something they can say will make it better. But there is nothing anyone can say that will make anything better and as you said everyone grieves differently.

I could seriously talk about this stuff all day. I just hate how people make light of something that is so gut wrenching and raw for you. I am already dreading different social events we have this fall and the holidays to come. After two losses I just don't think I can deal with "when are you guys going to have a baby" or " you don't have that much time left." I just hate how I haven't done anything wrong and I almost feel shameful going to these events. I know I just have to get even tougher and withstand possible nosy questions but it just sucks.

KarenBeth714

Yup Yup, I'm avoiding all events where these conversations could take place. It's so true.. you feel like a failure or like you are doing something wrong and it feels like everyone is judging and or wondering about your status.

brooklyngirl18

I am experiencing the exact same thing, it seems I am constantly being asked when we are having number 2 or being reminded how quickly DS is growing and he needs a sibling. NO SHIT!! thanks for reminder now kindly back the F off.

editied- DH to DS, DH needing a sibling would be impossible lol

lin0442

One of my coworkers just confided in me that she has an unintended pregnancy and is thinking of terminating (she already has two little ones and her relationship is going through a really rough patch right now). I'm pro-choice, and all my experiences with pregnancy and loss have only made me more so, but it was really tough listening and being supportive when it just made me so sad. I'd love to be surprise pregnant right now. She doesn't know about my mc and some of her phrasing really hurt, but I know she didn't mean to upset me so I'm trying to be chill. 

I wish everyone who wanted to be pregnant could get pregnant and keep their babies easily, and everyone who didn't want to could 100% avoid it. 

yolandamunoz

OH I'm so sorry @lin0442  that must have been so painful.. hugs to you!

TScalei

I'm sorry @lin0442 - it's so unfair it seems like it so easy for people that don't want it and so hard for those that are ready and desperately want it. I'm dealing with a similar situation with a co-worker -she ultimately decided to keep it and is due a week before my 1st EDD. Seeing her everyday for the past couple months has been hard.

RiverSong15

@lin0442 I can relate to all the feelings in your thread. It's always hard to see surprise pregnant people, and it's tough to wonder why the universe lets these things happen. Hugs.

KarenBeth714

Disclaimer: I know this may sound terrible and make me sound bitter. It was. Fleeting thought that I will only share here.

so I see someone I know who hAd her baby right before our loss... She knows everything that has been going on but hasn't said anything directly to me about it. Just a casual acquaintance so that doesn't really bother me- but anyway, she's showing pictures from his most recent photo shoot and going on and on ( in a group) about him starting to do this and that. Others comment about how cute he is. She sAys that they are just so blessed - and blessed to have a such a cute healthy baby.
for a second I stop breathing- does this imply that others who didn't have a baby are not blessed? Not meant to be blessed at this time? Of course I said nothing it just really hurt me.

TScalei

@KarenBeth714 - I hate it when people say they are blessed too. I don't know why. I think I have become so cynical that I just take it as bragging- "look how great my life is!! 

DungeonTrollMel

@KarenBeth714 those are always the most passive aggressive insensitive comments ever. Especially with someone who knows about your loss. I'm so sorry. You are not bitter. You have just been through things she can't begin to fathom 

KyCade3013

I hate when people say blessed! Or #soincrediblyblessed. It's basically like saying, #mylifesoincrediblyperfect. I feel like saying back, just saying "so incredibly thankful". Just say you're fucking thankful. 

brady0517

I hate to say I am glad there is a place I can go to when I am feeling aweful about my loss but I feel better knowing that someone understands how I am feeling.

So my hubby and I were trying for 2 years and about a few weeks ago his brother had announced that him and his wife were pregnant and they were only trying for a few months. A week later I found out I was pregnant and then felt bad that I didn't celebrate their announcement more (i hugged them then went outside and cried). 2 weeks later we found out my baby way ectopic and the tube had ruptured so I had emergency surgery. I haven't seen either my brother in law or sister in law since and I'm not looking forward to seeing them because I know she gets to have her baby and I don't. It sounds so aweful because I do like seeing them but I just can't right now.

TScalei

I'm sorry @brady0517 - that is so tough! And it's completely understandable that you wouldn't want to see them for a little while. 

Aera11

ugh @KarenBeth714, I am right there with you.  I hate that phrase and what I hate even more is that those of us who are struggling to get pregnant, stay pregnant, dealing with loss(es), have to put on a brave face when we are accosted with people like that.  Is my life not blessed because I don't have children?  I also can't stand when people say "our life is now complete".  

KarenBeth714

@brady0517I completely understand and have the exact same feelings. I have not seen my brother since him and his wife announced. I will not be going to the shower. I have not seen them since March or spoken to them. Only a few texts. We are not doing thanksgiving together I just can't its too big of a trigger and I would be crying the whole time. I just told them that's its very hard for me and makes me sad- I mostly have been keeping my anger to myself and told my therapist that I can "secretly" hate them and be angry with them. Its so so hard. Good luck!

CTRMommyof4

lin0442 said:

One of my coworkers just confided in me that she has an unintended pregnancy and is thinking of terminating (she already has two little ones and her relationship is going through a really rough patch right now). I'm pro-choice, and all my experiences with pregnancy and loss have only made me more so, but it was really tough listening and being supportive when it just made me so sad. I'd love to be surprise pregnant right now. She doesn't know about my mc and some of her phrasing really hurt, but I know she didn't mean to upset me so I'm trying to be chill. 

I wish everyone who wanted to be pregnant could get pregnant and keep their babies easily, and everyone who didn't want to could 100% avoid it. 

Seriously, wouldn't that make it easier if those of us who wanted could get pregnant, and STAY pregnant, and those that didn't want to, didn't??? I'm SO SICK of people around me that shouldn't have babies or that don't want babies, just getting pregnant over and over again! Breaking my heart!

brady0517

@KarenBeth714 we have to spend Christmas eve with them since they are moving into their new big house that they are building now and they wanted to host the family Christmas eve dinner. By then she will be 6 months and I was only 3 weeks behind her so it will definitely be an emotional night since I am supposed to have a belly too

KarenBeth714

I'm so sorry @brady0517 - It's a long way from now, maybe it won't hurt as bad. I'm all about taking care of me right now - if you need to, i'd say back out of the plans and spend it with another side of the family or friends. If it's going to bring you down for days. Things may change by then - but I've explained my feelings to my family and they are being understanding of my needs for Thanksgiving, so we will go with DH's fam.

TScalei

@karenbeth714 @aera11 - I really think people saying things like that contribute to a worthless feeling that I have. Like I am not really living or don't have anything to be thankful for without kids. Deep down I know that's not true but I think subconsciously being bombarded with things like that makes me feel "less than" somehow.

kiki75

Just remember that if if weren't about babies, that crowd would still be #soblessed. The topics would just be different. Because their house is so fancy, because they don't have to deal with x/y/z, because their latte was the perfect temperature... Some of them are just blundering fools who don't think before they speak and consider how their words will make others feel. 

mjolk

I'm sick of my dreams. In one I had a baby and was confused, because it was already speaking, and I wondered if I had just been somehow absent and had forgotten about the baby all this time. Last night I had a dream where just about everyone was pregnant and rubbing their bellies. It was a large social group and I felt very alone.

TScalei

@kiki75 - that is pretty funny and probably true! Im personally not a fan of social media bragging in general. Im all for sharing pics and updates on your life but it if things are going great for you I just don't think you have to rub it in everyone else's face.

rainbowturtles

Something only you all would understand.
okay, here's the deal. I had intestinal surgery about five years ago that included a sigmoid resection, where they make an incision below your bikini line, take out some of your intestines, cut some off, sew it back together, put it back in and then sew me up. (Also had rectopexy but that's another story and not super relevant). 

Since then I've always had pain at the incision spot but mostly in this one spot where it feels like there's a stitch right under the skin. It hurts more when my stomach/intestines are distended (GI problems) and when tight clothes/jeans rub on it. I imagine it causing more problems when/if I'm lucky enough to have a big pregnant belly.

It took a while to get in to see my surgeon, and the funny part is that he says he used dissolving stitches so he has no idea what it is but is willing to investigate with local anaesthetic. The "surgery" falls right at the end of my TWW/when AF is due if I ovulate when I "normally" do.

So anyways, I just mentioned to my mom that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant this cycle that I should know before the procedure and will obviously discuss with the surgeon but would likely postpone it. She made me feel like I was being silly because they won't be going that deep that it would affect the uterus and that it's not a big deal or it's irrelevant.

And maybe I'm being overly cautious but if I'm newly pregnant and then do the procedure and end in loss again, I know I'd kick myself for having the procedure and think "what if?". I feel like physical stress/trauma to the body isn't ideal. I don't know, would any of you want someone injecting you with anesthetic,cutting into your lower abdomen and digging around days after finding out you're pregnant?

I texted her, trying to explain my point because I felt like she wasn't hearing me and saying again that I'd obviously be talking to my surgeon, and she comes back with: "No. I agree With you. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen. Try not to stress so much. Everything will work out"

GRRRRRR! I wasn't STRESSING about it, I was simply having a plan in place! SHE was the one stressing me out And no, she can't assure me that "everything will work out".

I know that was really long so thank you if you read it. I'm just annoyed.

PabloAndChristine

@rainbowturtles I hear ya! My life is full of those little things that weren't meant to be anything and suddenly it's a big confusing conversation/argument. And no worries about a long post.

if it was just an office thing with local numbing I'd be fine with it, but if he has to do anything more extensive I wouldn't. But definitely go with your comfort and it's not at all urgent. 

DungeonTrollMel

@rainbowturtles if this is your cycle, I would 100% cancel for something that is probably a little more elective. It's not the abdominal surgery part, it's the anesthetic risk is so high during the first trimester as well as with the pain medications during surgery that unless it is absolutely necessary, don't do it. There is a reason every single female has a pregnancy test done before surgery. We always cancel unless it's life threatening and postpone until post partum 

rainbowturtles

@DungeonTrollMel he is only using local anesthetic injections ("freezing"), I'm assuming the type that would be used when someone gets stitches, for instance. I'll be awake and I don't think there will be any pain meds during but I imagine they'll send me home with something. So even tho I'll be awake, I don't think I'm being unreasonable that I'd want to cancel if I'm KU.
I think the idea of it also ties into my last loss. I did take a pregnancy test the morning of my bladder hydrodistension where they do put you under and give you fentanyl and dilaudid and whatnot. It was negative but was positive two weeks later (I didn't test in between; I was pretty laid up after that and hadn't been temping at that point and was having a wonky cycle so didn't really know at all where I was in my cycle etc etc), and, as you all know, I went on to lose it. So, taking chances with medical procedures does not sound like something I want to do and if she thinks I'm just "stressing" then so be it. It's my body.

JessyKV

@rainbowturtles I think it's great you have a plan in place and I would probably do the same.  Since its elective and not a big deal to wait I would totally cancel for a bfp.  

I got pregnant during an abcsess tooth and had surgery during ovulation and was on pain killers and antibiotics during my TWW.  I was so scared when I found out I was in fact pregnant that cycle and went on to find out I had a MMC at 9 weeks (baby only measured 5).  My doctor said its more likely it was random and had nothing to do with the tooth abcsess but it still plays on my mind.  And it will definitely change my actions in the future.  Anyway just sharing to say I totally understand your concerns! 

KarenBeth714

I would absolutely put it off, or anything - just because I always worry so much. I put off dental work a few times while I was in the TWW. People just don't understand how much can change in your life in an instant.
oh and also I put off planning trips and stuff each month- thinking I could be that month. its so annoying and it consumes everytning. People who haven't struggled don't understand 

Aera11

I bought my SIL's new baby boy a gift (she had the baby a little over a week ago), and I can't bring myself to go give it to her.  She is an older half brothers second wife and totally heinous... this was her rainbow baby (she lost twins last September at 23 weeks), but she is kind of negative, ungrateful and I am sick of her Facebook posts.  I am probably just hormonal and more sensitive than normal, but part of me just wants to return the gift and let time go by...

I was on an infertility site buying cards for others going through this journey and I saw this and it gives me the tiniest bit of hope.

SoonToBeMommaHowe

I really like that poem @Aera11

I am just over here trying to get DH to understand why I'm declining a dinner invitation from one of his female co-workers who is out on maternity leave with her newborn and also has two year old twin boys (we lost twin boys). He's telling me she keeps asking so he feels like we really should accept...unmmmmm nope. 

2fitBees

edit- *TW- loss mentioned in sigi*

This really stupid ad.

KarenBeth714

@SoonToBeMommaHowe thats right! stick to what you need!!! I get so pissed when others don't understand. My Dh wanted me to go to  a friends football watching party when they just had a baby girl. I hate football and there was no way I was going to sit there and watch everyone oooing and ahhhing over the baby the whole time. I would have been in tears for days. Just say NOOOOO!

brady0517

I understand, my MIL told us when we went to see her today that my brother and sister in law that is expecting were coming over for dinner and I told DH I wanted to leave before they got there. My MIL understood but DH told me when we got home that he wants me to move past this so I will start to feel better. Also, I told my mom the same thing and all she said was that I can't avoid her forever and I shouldn't be like that because it makes me look bitter. It hasn't even been 3 weeks since my loss and everyone wants me to forget about it and move on like nothing happened 

chloe97

I work in a big office full of women of childbearing age. I can usually circumvent conversations with the pregnant ladies because I don't know them or work with them. Of course, a younger colleague who I've always been chatty with is now very visibly pregnant. I got a save the date for her shower in November (on my due date). We aren't super close, but she got married right after me and so we chatted a lot about weddings, honeymoons, etc. I'm pretty sure she knows my story because she gave me some sympathetic looks after I got back from leave (probably around the time of her BFP). She's not even 30 which makes me doubly upset because I feel likw she's giving me the "oh you poor old lady with the old eggs" sympathy.

Anyway, I just can't. I can't talk to her. I can't look at her without glaring. She's often chatting with her work BFF ( who is due in September) and my work BFF and I literally walk by them and don't say a thing. I feel like an asshole. Unfortunately my work BFF has no sympathy for me. She's 45 and never married and resigned that even though she wanted them, she will not have kids. She thinks I'm stupid for being triggered by pregnant ladies because she's not and at least I still have a chance. 

Going to the bathroom and seeing this girl can turn me into a crying mess. Even though I'm not sure I'm ready, I feel pressured to get pregnant just so I'm not triggered everyday at work. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't avoid her. I need to go to the kitchen and bathroom we share and so I see her at least twice a week. 

Anyone have any words of wisdom to share to get through this situation?

DungeonTrollMel

@chloe97 don't go. It's that simple. You owe her no explaination either. We do what we have to do to make it through each hour and each day at a time. It doesn't make you an asshole. If makes you smart for taking care of your own emotions and not purposely putting yourself into a situation to create depression and self loathing. 

One of m colleagues announced her pregnancy (at 5 weeks) the day I got back from my d&c and I have purposely scheduled my morning to avoid her ever since. I used to feel bad, but then she made some hurtful comments and I no longer give a shit if she's offended. She has no room to judge me because she's never been through what I have and only a petty, immature person would judge a grieving mother for protecting themselves. And we don't have time for those people in our lives. 

chloe97

Thanks @DungeonTrollMel I was planning on scheduling myself off that day. No clue what I will do with a random Wednesday in November, but lord knows I can't handle that shit.

My issue is that I don't know how to avoid her. She seemed to balloon up overnight and of course is constantly in the bathroom. I put my head down and pass her like strangers, but I now feel like a social pariah at work. I'm not the most outgoing person in the work, but I like to maintain some workplace friendliness. I feel the need to change my hours to avoid seeing her on the walk in and out. I'm drinking 3 cups of RRLT a day so I can't avoid the kitchen and lord knows I gotta pee.