General Rants

yolandamunoz · August 2016

I'm really sorry you are going through this @chloe97

i agree with @DungeonTrollMel you have to take care of yourself first and you are not being a bad person by doing so.

something similar happened to me in my choir. A fellow singer got pregnant at the same time with me and announced it while I was still pregnant. After my loss I couldn't bare the presence of her, reminding me that I should be as pregnant as her and that I should get my September baby really soon.

i couldn't deal. I had to stop going to my choir at least until she gives birth. A couple of friends from choir who know my story, were very supportive and helped me in this transition.

I know this doesn't really help you because you cannot quit your job, but maybe you can plan something to avoid having to see her. You could even talk to her and tell her what is happening so that she knows that is out of incredible pain and grief that you avoid her.

good luck!
hugs
-Y

TScalei · August 2016

@chloe97 - I'm dealing with the same thing with a co-worker. She is due right around my first EDD. And got accidentally KU by her ex boyfriend and thought about ending her pg. To me it is a daily reminder of how unfair life is. I try to avoid her but I'm just quick yet cordial with her when I have to interact. I just got invited to her baby shower and won't be and send a gift. You have to protect yourself.

RiverSong15 · August 2016

@chloe97 I'm sorry you are surrounded by pregnant people at work. I'd definitely skip her shower, with no regrets. For what it's worth, I think her looks are likely truly sympathetic and not "oh you poor old lady". I've found that most people don't have a clue how to respond to pregnancy loss, and they say and do stupid things even with the best intentions. That doesn't make it any easier on you, of course, but it usually helps me to stay calm when I remember that most people in my life genuinely care about me.

I'm in a book club with someone who had a baby 3 weeks before my first EDD. She announced at 8 weeks while I was still pregnant, so it's been tough. I've found that distracting myself and talking to others helps. Don't feel rude walking away or avoiding her. You need to to what you need to do to take care of you.

szwill86 · August 2016

I feel for all you ladies who are dealing with not so good situations at work with co-workers. I am as well, and I feel like if I didn't have a loss and was still just TTC, all these situations wouldn't have as much emotional effect on me but since I have, the emotions are amplified.

Now being back at work and not seeing other teachers all summer, one of my co-workers who knew about my loss told me that people are asking her if I'm pregnant. Nope sorry, just my weight I haven't lost/food baby.

Aera11 · August 2016

I'm so sorry @chloe97, I can't imagine what it would be like to see/work with someone who is pregnant EVERY DAY. It is bad enough to see random strangers but those are just in passing, being at work would be difficult. I don't have any advice unfortunately because I work for myself and only see my two 23 year old interns who are blissfully unaware of infertility + loss. Lucky SOB's. I think your feelings are justified and you have to do whatever is best for YOU. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

On a cranky side note, a childhood friend who isn't close with our group of friends anymore had her baby yesterday and sent a group text out today. She knows about my loss and I feel like my DH and I didn't need to be in the group message when we've seen them like once in the last year. Her husband was the one that said he wouldn't love a girl as much as a boy...well they had a girl so I hope that statement wasn't true. I am glad she's healthy but that's about all I feel. I don't plan on going to see them, bring/send a gift, or offer to drop off dinner.

KarenBeth714 · August 2016

yup @szwill86 I have the same feelings. Just the first day back in my classroom and my AP brought in her three week old. Her due date was just a few weeks before mine, so this one bothered me a lot. Another coworker who was on materinity leave before summer break brough her baby in for set up. Lots of baby talk after that. I went into my classroom and cried. I closed my door. It was just too much. I also feel like people are wondering if I am or not ( the staff knew about my loss) and I've just gained weight, so it sucks. I've def been given the look up and down.

Taggarab · August 2016

Ugh...I so feel for you ladies who have to deal with this at work. I SAH, but I am a leader for our local MOPS group this year and there are going to be tons of little babies there when we start in a few weeks. I wouldn't have signed in if I didn't think I could handle it and only a few ladies know about my situation, but I know it will still be rough. Luckily I have a lady on my steering who is currently dealing with 22 months of secondary infertility. Even though she hasn't lost a baby we still have a lot of the same feelings and struggles.

I would not not feel any pressure to go to these showers or take gifts. If they don't understand then they are jerks anyway. The only baby shower I am attending any time soon is that of a dear friend, and I would have to be on deaths door to not attend any event for her.

szwill86 · September 2016

Ugh @karenbeth714, I'm sending virtual hugs your way. Hopefully as you get back into the swing of things, these situations won't be as prevalent. Luckily I knew of the pregnant (her second- a surprise- and less than a yr after her first one) teacher's announcement before it was announced at the staff meeting, otherwise I don't know if I would have been able to handle it in a group setting. I dont even know if the other staff besides my team of about 6 knew of my loss, but you know how quickly things spread around a school. And my belly, where I BARELY have any extra weight, is the first place people are looking the past few days. Guess I just have to be more conscious about what I wear.

E2theB · September 2016

A coworker of mine (in the same department) announced her pregnancy back in March, and at the time I was only about 6 weeks but dying to tell someone (only myself and my husband knew). So I got excited thinking we'd be planning two baby showers in the fall (She was due late Sept, I was due early Nov).
I ended up having a natural miscarriage in April. It was torture for the first week or so, coming in and seeing her growing belly every day.

She ended up resigning shortly thereafter because the stress of her position (weekly travel) was too much for her. I was so relieved when she quit. I liked her a lot, she was a good employee... Even though I was sad to see her go, I was secretly relieved because the emotional toll it took on me every day was horrible.
The envy you feel is so hard to control. It pops up at any moment, regardless of who the pregnant woman may be or how close you are to her. I see strangers out shopping and still get upset. It's a tough, tough thing to get through and I'm still working on it.

We're closing in on a year of TTC, with 1 loss. I don't really know what to do or where to go here. I would want to start seeing an RE, but I'm a bit overweight and know I will just be told to lower my BMI. My OB told me to consider losing a little weight 'before trying again.' I get regular periods, don't have any symptoms of PCOS and I don't have any other high-risk behaviors, so maybe it's time to lose a few...

chloe97 · September 2016

My friend who is due a week before me in November just texted me that her baby shower invitation was in the mail. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I made a vow to myself that I could effectively cut her out of my life until I was pregnant with my rainbow-shes a close friend of mine who lives an hour away. She is the one who told me and my other BFF who has had 4 losses including a termination for medical reasons that
she didn't share our anxiety (I was 8 and my friend was 16 weeks) because she just knew everything would be okay. She also texted me while I waited for my NIPT results after the 2nd draw because my fetal DNA was too low to get results because I had a Triploidy baby "Guess what we are having a girl!" Not a single acknowledgment that the actual reason for the test was to test for chromosomal abnormalities.Or any acknowledgement that I may be going through a rough time as a PGALer.

I promised that I would make her baby shower and would do my best to be the person I want to be for her. It's a freaking couples shower at a beer hall. Of course it's a weekend that I wanted to go out of town to my ILs place. I also thought it would be in late October and I could at least be pregnant by then. But of course, now I have another BAD reason to try this month.

I know people will say just don't go. But every single good friend of hers has either had 2+ losses or are dealing with IF or secondary IF right now. If they can suck it up, I feel like I will look like a bitch if I don't. Particularly since I've actually canceled weekends with friends already specifically NOT to see her.

BitterBetty12 · September 2016

@chloe97 I'm so sorry

That is an incredibly difficult decision to make. I wish I could give you an answer as to what the best choice is (go, or not go) but I know irs not that easy. All I can say is that you HAVE to do what is best for you mentally and emotionally. Just because her other friends also had losses or are dealing with IF does not mean that you should be expected to act or feel the same way they do. Loss and IF are incredibly personal journeys that affect everyone experiencing them differently. Take your time, really think about it, and make your decision when you absolutely have to based on which option is going to be best for YOU. Not for the people around you. Hugs.

RiverSong15 · September 2016

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this @chloe97. It's not an easy situation. I echo everything @BitterBetty12 said though. The only thing you have to do is take care of yourself. Remember that there is no timeline on grief, and that loss is not experienced the same from one person to another. Just because your other friends are in a place where they can go without pain, doesn't mean you should be too. And just because other friends of yours are going, that doesn't mean they are necessairly in a good place either. They could be going out of obligation too, and will feel the consequences emotionally. We all do so much, every day, for other people's sake. But self-care is just as important, if not more so.

TScalei · September 2016

Incredibly well said @BitterBetty12 and @RiverSong15. I will just add that you can support/ be happy for someone from a distance. I have a co workers baby shower next weekend which I'm sending a gift and skipping. I do feel bad but I know I can't go and that's okay.

Taggarab · September 2016

That is rough @chloe97. It has already been said so well, but please just make sure you are doing what is right for you and not what you think is expected of you by others.

KarenBeth714 · September 2016

I'm so sorry @chloe97 and I've been going through similar situations.I believe in doing whats right for you and taking care of yourself. This is what I ask myself - Is it worth going to this event knowing that it will send me into a spiral of depression? Knowing that I will go home hysterically crying? Its not worth it for me. I do not go to any baby showers now. Not even my sil ( I requested that they not send me an invitation) I explain my feelings and explain exactly how it makes me feel. I said I have ptsd type reactions where triggers bring me back to the darkest days of our loss. Everyone has been supportive. Just know that you can back out if you want. For others it might feel good to brave the storm and stay strong.. but i havent been able to do that.

TScalei · September 2016

Ugh, I just feel like this process is so lonely. DH was saying earlier how we don't really get together with our friends much anymore. He completely understands why but it just sucks. I am normally the type of person who would be all for organizing get togethers but now I just can't. The thought of getting together with people in general just fills me with anxiety for the few people that know I feel like the sad childless girl and for the people that dont I'm afraid of fielding when are you going to have a baby ques. Plus I just can't even deal with friends who have babies or are pg. And a few friends that I told weren't incredibly supportive which has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel likes our lives are getting smaller and lonelier.

chloe97 · September 2016

Thank you @KarenBeth714 @RiverSong15 @BitterBetty12 @TScalei You guys are so helpful. I really honestly assumed I would be pregnant before her shower- like at least 4-5 weeks, it never occurred to me that they would have it so early. For some reason the beer hall is especially off-putting to me. Basically, I would be outting myself if I was pregnant.

The hardest thing has been losing friends. I literally feel like I'm going to lose her as a friend if I don't pull myself together for this shower. Not just because I'm skipping the shower, but there has been other related tension since her wedding shower 3 years ago. She got married the year before me and I was seriously upset because DH was dragging his feet proposing. I had a really hard time with all of her wedding stuff too and she was super offended when I said something about it. I feel like she equates me losing 2 babies when she's having a baby to me being jealous about her wedding. She and her H dated for 8 years well into their 30s before getting married and so she feels like she suffered so much waiting to get engaged that she deserves to have it easy and she's a big "everything happens for a reason" person, which we all knows does not fly anyone whose had a MC.

yolandamunoz · September 2016

Dear @E2theB I'm sorry for your loss. I would recommend seeing a nutritionist to help you in the lowering your BMI thing. I have been through a similar situation and it was very helpful for me. Good luck!

dear @chloe97 so sorry for what you're going through. Must be awful, I know, we know... I support ppl saying you have to take care of yourself first. If this person is your true friend, you will not lose her over something like this. Friends are understanding and generous!!

hugs
-Y

AnonymousMom · September 2016

KarenBeth714 said:

Disclaimer: I know this may sound terrible and make me sound bitter. It was. Fleeting thought that I will only share here.

so I see someone I know who hAd her baby right before our loss... She knows everything that has been going on but hasn't said anything directly to me about it. Just a casual acquaintance so that doesn't really bother me- but anyway, she's showing pictures from his most recent photo shoot and going on and on ( in a group) about him starting to do this and that. Others comment about how cute he is. She sAys that they are just so blessed - and blessed to have a such a cute healthy baby.
for a second I stop breathing- does this imply that others who didn't have a baby are not blessed? Not meant to be blessed at this time? Of course I said nothing it just really hurt me.

I am very sorry for your losses. I don't think you're terrible or bitter. I think maybe this is a good example of how we all need to try to channel compassion and kindness and realize that we never really understand what others may carry behind their eyes or in their hearts. My husband and I both say we're very blessed to have our little boy because we truly believe that we are. We know that not everyone who wants a child has things work out to have a biological child (and no we don't believe that those not so fortunate are bad or being punished by God), and that not all pregnancies result in a take home baby (I'm posting on the TTCAL with good reason). We also know that healthy children are also not guaranteed in any way. In reality our child needed surgery in his first nine months of life but he came through that great and we were thankful and blessed by his healing and the skilled hands of the pediatric surgeon. So when we talk about our little boy being one of the greatest gifts and our blessing we're just speaking openly from our heart. We don't view others as less than, we're just so grateful for the little boy that has blessed our family.

I will also add that when we did conceive our son (who we didn't know would be a son at that point) my husband was ready to shout it from the rooftops he was just that thrilled (and we didn't exactly get pregnant on our first cycle or even our sixth---although some of that was probably due to inability for two physicians to coordinate call schedules around fertile windows). He was all ready to announce it in church that Sunday as a joy during our joys and concerns. I had a little trepidation with that (at that point it was early and we didn't even know for sure that the baby was where it belonged in the uterus--I'm a physician I know all the bad stuff that can happen) but he was so excited and the church we were attending really felt like our church home so I decided to be brave and let him have his moment. If badness ensued I figured we could deal with it in the context of our supportive church family. Right before he got his chance one of our ministers shared his/his wife's struggle with infertility and asked our whole church to pray for them. My husband kind of whispered to me I guess I don't get to announce and I whispered back--not today. We never really did announce our pregnancy in that church, it never seemed like the right time, and I guess from a distance (or maybe just under a choir robe) I never really looked pregnant enough for people who didn't know to be sure.

Ironically the minister who we prayed for that Sunday my husband couldn't announce was the one to ask to baptize our little boy and one of the things which was a negative about my husband switching jobs this summer was knowing that with us spending more time at our main home as a result of his job switch we wouldn't be attending that church as our main church and our son wouldn't continue to grow up in that supportive church family.

JessyKV · September 2016

You know what sucks?? Getting your bill for emergency services and emergency D&C. I was really starting to feel happier again and then I get a big old 2k bill in the mail. Just what I wanted to spend so much money on. Sorry just feeling sorry for myself. Medical bills suck.

Aera11 · September 2016

@JessyKV they freaking SUCK. I am with you. I just had to re-order another Gonal F pen today since I am barely reacting to the first one and now need another...another $1000 down the toilet I'm sure.

NewMommyCoop · September 2016

My DH's co-worker's wife announced on FB yesterday that they are expecting next May. She can only be five or six weeks. While I am happy for them, it made me so upset that we can't be that care free. She is announcing while I am trying to act normal while waiting to miscarry. Why is life so unfair?

chloe97 · September 2016

Ugh @NewMommyCoop I always want to grab people who announce early by the shoulders and shake them for tempting fate. We announced our first pregnancy to family only at 8 weeks because we thought we were in the clear with a HB. Ha! We were so naive. This whole process is so unfair. I tend to be even more bitter towards younger women who announce early because I know that they are more likely to not MC.

I've noticed that very few of my FB friends in my age cohort announce at all on FB anymore. I've seen a ton of baby announcements from people who never even hinted their pregnancies on social media. I think it's partly that we know the risks and partly by your late 30's you know people personally that have been affected by devastating 1st and 2nd trimester losses, so you don't have the blissful ignorance that the young ones possess.

NewMommyCoop · September 2016

@chloe97 You are right. Age and previous loss make us very unfortunately wise. She is 30 and this will be her second (the first her with her new DH). I feel like we do so many things right to ensure that we will have viable pregnancies, and we are not rewarded with our efforts. Not that it matters, but they are severely obese and always posting photos eating fast food, ice cream, milkshakes, etc. Dr's and books say weight, health, lifestyle are risk factors, but it seems like many of us eat right, are very active and healthy, and try to make the right lifestyle decisions. Again, why can life be so cruel and unfair? Sorry, just feeling pretty depressed.

chloe97 · September 2016

@NewMommyCoop Please please by all means rant away. You have every right to feel depressed. Know that we are here for you. Some ladies on this board disabled Facebook after their losses and found it helped with this sort of depression, I didn't- I just hid everyone whose posts made me sad if I knew would be announcing soon. My newsfeed is basically empty of kids and I like it that way.

brooklyngirl18 · September 2016

@NewMommyCoop I'm so sorry, please feel free to vent away. It seems so unfair that we are struggling and some people are blissfully ignorant and have zero worries.

yolandamunoz · September 2016

I'm so sorry @newmommycoop I feel the same way... There is some innocence that we lost with our first MC and our pregnancies are never the same.

this is the place to rant away about those young careless people with unhealthy lifestyles that still get to have healthy uneventful pregnancies.. Grrrr so unfair!!!!

breathe now../

TScalei · September 2016

Oh need to facebook rant today. Im trying to avoid facebook as much as possible but its hard. I told myself not to even go on yesterday because of all the back to school pics but I did anyway. My whole feed was literally back to school pics of all these perfect, happy families celebrating normal milestones. It made me sad not just for that but also because in the past I would have loved looking at pictures of friends and families kids. Am I going to be this bitter person forever?

Its also hard to see people posting about "how sad" they are that their kids are going to kindergarten. I know I will be sad too when that time comes in my life. But I want to be like try sitting home alone every night staring at a room that should a be a nursery now with 2 EDDS looming and then we can talk about sadness. I guess I just know that most of these women probably never have experienced the depth of sadness that we can all relate too and it just seems so unfair.

@newmommycoop - I totally get the announcing it early frustration. It pains me that people are so confident that nothing will go wrong ( and in their case they are probably right).

I really am happier when I stay off facebook and should probably do that. But I just had to rant today.

chloe97 · September 2016

Amen @TScalei to everything you just said.

Today at a staff meeting my Department Director made a HUGE deal about the 2 pregnant ladies in our department of 20 and started in on the whole "it's in the water, so watch out!" thing while looking at me. I looked away and started cry, so luckily it didn't seem like anyone noticed. This woman knows I was on FMLA for 2 weeks because of a loss at 13 weeks. She sees the forms come through. It's bad enough I have to be in the same room as the pregnant ladies, but to have my failures publicly recognized is the worst.

Meanwhile I'm WTO and just realized that I shouldn't have been taking Advil the last 2 days for my awful headache. Now this cycle is completely screwed and I wasted $150 in cycle-regulating acupuncture for nothing. Not only that, but it pushes back NEXT cycle. I bet it will be another week before I ovulate, and add my 16 day LP and I'm not TTC until mid-October. This sucks so badly!!!!

TScalei · September 2016

Ugh Im sorry @chloe97 - I wish people would realize how hurtful sayings like "relax and you'll get pregnant" or "its in the water" are. Making light of getting pregnant when so many people have to go through so much just to have a healthy full term pregnancy is not right! I wish a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage was "in the water".

DungeonTrollMel · September 2016

@chloe97 sorry if I'm just clueless but how does Advil affect WTO stuff? I know we all usually avoid meds in the TWW but I haven't heard of WTO

chloe97 · September 2016

Advil or ibuprofen can delay ovulation or cause lutenizing unruptured follicle syndrome (LUFS). Here's some info on it https://www.fertilityplus.com/faq/nsaids.html

My body seems to accept all embryos, so I'm super cautious about TTC when my egg could not be of the best quality. I'm super weird about delayed ovulation since my last pregnancy I ovulated a week late and my baby had Triploidy.

ETA this article explains it better https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/846552

NewMommyCoop · September 2016

@TScalei I am starting to wonder the same thing. I never thought I would be bitter, but a third loss is just a lot to deal with.
Thanks ladies, it is reassuring to have you all to share these difficult times with.

rainbowturtles · September 2016

I've been hypersensitive since the mom/SIL incident and because -hello progesterone-

Seriously EVERY family related thing is making me cry/tear up. We don't have cable really so we watch tv series from start to finish on shomi and right now we're on Modern Family and every single episode I've been crying! I think it's a combo of wanting a family so badly and thinking of how it will be going through all those family moments mixed with the sadness that I should be giving birth next month mixed with fear that I may never get to experience any of it

Same thing with seeing the kids get sent off to school on Facebook like @TScalei mentioned. And so on....

Aera11 · September 2016

I am with you @chloe97, I feel like because I tend to ovulate late I end up with a bad egg and the embryo still takes. My recent lost was Trisomy 15. My RE is trying to get me to O earlier (CD 14/15) but the last two cycles it's been more like CD18/19. Tomorrow I am CD14 and go in for another u/s...I should seriously have a punch card and earn free visits. Anyways, I avoid ibuprofen/advil too and have stuck with Tylenol since my pregnancy.

PleaseSendPicklesNow · September 2016

@chloe97 That's fascinating, incredibly useful, and I never heard about it before. No more ibuprofen for now, I guess. Thanks for linking to an academic journal, too.

P.S. Is acetominophen okay?

chloe97 · September 2016

@PleaseSendPicklesNow Yes! Tylenol is fine and what I'm living on now. Ha!

yolandamunoz · September 2016

I didnt know about this either!!!! No ibuprofen? :-(

NewMommyCoop · September 2016

I have a rant, but I also have a rave today.
Rant - I have to go in for an u/s today. My OB wants to see me weekly until I miscarry. I cannot describe how awful it feels to be going in for a u/s to check to see if my body is starting to recognize a loss. Seriously crappy!

Rave - We have an 8 month old puppy. She is a red heeler/border collie mix. OMG crazy, strong willed, energetic dog. She went to a trainer's house for a week in mid August and then we go to class twice a week. I told the trainer about being PG because our dog jumps on my stomach and I wanted that habit broken. So, I had to tell her about the loss. She was amazing. She actually started crying and told me she was praying for us. She also offered to watch our dog, for free, if we wanted to get away for a trip and she would continue to work/train with her. That service is normally $40/day. For someone who has not experienced a loss, and that I barely know, she was... great. With all the other stupid comments we've heard, I thought you might enjoy hearing a very heartfelt one.

TScalei · September 2016

@newmommycoop- oh getting an u/s for that reason must be tough. I have a hard enough time with the bloodwork when people assume I am pg. Thanks for sharing the story about the dog trainer...I needed that today. Its funny when you get support from the least expected places kind of makes up for the people that should give more support and don't.

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