I hate to be the Debbie downer but bed sharing is not recommended. As someone who has been there with a suffocated baby- please understand your doctor is advocating for a separate safe sleep environment because they care. Back to sleep, separate bed, firm mattress, no extra blankets, toys, etc. Room sharing is recommended. Get a co-sleeper bassinet or something else in your room but not in the same bed please.
Bed sharing can ABSOLUTELY be done safely, (EDITED BECAUSE DAMMIT)
I just wanted to add in a link with some guidelines to safe co-sleeping.. for those who aren't hip to him, Dr. Sears is the fucking baby whisperer.
I am absolutely sorry for your loss. I can understand your opinion seeing your situation, but I do not agree with you. There are things that can go wrong in any situation. Bedsharing, when done safely, is a completely natural way to do things. These decisions are personal, and I don't think it is fair to insinuate that mothers can't bed share safely and responsibly.
@Gingersnap I don't mean every time or anything! I exclusively BF and honestly, yeah it would have been nice for him to lose a little sleep too once in a while. We're talking he moved to the couch so he wouldn't miss out on sleep, even after I went back to work he never helped at night. Maybe a diaper change every now and then like suggested by @Partyof6?
Our general routine was, H woke up, changed a diaper handed me a baby and went back to sleep.
the first night my son was born, we had both been up for daaaaayyyysss and I had to throw stuff at him to wake up and get the baby because I couldn't pick him up after my c/s.
I found that my motherly instinct when I heard a baby cry at night was to whack my husband and tell him to go get it, lol. He could then, and still now, sleep through anything.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
@scottipino I am sorry for your loss. I think a conversation on bedsharing and cosleeping should probably go in its own thread as that can get heated easily.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
@scottipino I am sorry for your loss. I think a conversation on bedsharing and cosleeping should probably go in its own thread as that can get heated easily.
My H is a really deep sleeper too. And it takes him a while to become coherent. By the time I had him awake, I realized I could have just done everything myself..... I did, however, have him stay up once it was morning and she was up for a while so I could catch some zzzzz's.
I think with all the partner help talk, what I learned (with us) is that as time goes on, you find a balance, and what works for you guys. Every couple/relationship/circumstance is different. For us my husband is the worker, working 12 hour shifts overnight. Me I'm a stay home mom.
With our first I had assumed my husband was going to be full out helpful, turns out he wasn't helpful much at all (in my opinion). But I didn't ever know that, although he will hold a baby, he doesn't really enjoy it. He's a bigger guy, who is fidgety, and can't get comfortable holding an infant. He also can't stand the smell of poopy diapers, or even clean diapers, for some reason he can't hack the odors.
On our second I knew this going into it so I already knew he's not much of a holder while they are small, and he's not going to easily or willingly change poopy diapers. He was great though, at helping get bottles together or getting the diaper and wipes for me. He would get up earlier than me and would keep the baby quiet as long as he could so I could get more sleep. We found our "groove" and it was amazing.
This is our 3rd and I'm even more confident that even though he'll be away during the nights and sleeping during the days that we will find something that works for us. It's important to have compromise and understanding on both sides. After all, we as couples are a team, we do best when we find the way that's best for us to work together
I second the breastfeeding is hard! I had supply issues and DD had latch issues but we still made it 15 months.
The only way i got sleep was side nursing too but I am a VERY light sleeper now that DD came along and I have never felt she was threatened by sleeping that way. It is VERY hard to break the am habit tho.. For her and me.
Colic sucks!! But you'll make it thru!
My my doc worked some type of oil the whole time I pushed. No tearing at all! I was bad about my kegal exercises too.
I don't ever want to get rid of my BoB!! EVAR!!! I will try baby wearing vs buying a double stroller.
Screw housework Screw visitors if you don't want them Order out whenever if you don't want to cook
seriously, concentrate on taking care of baby and yourself. you'll get to everything else eventually. You don't need to entertain anyone and no one is entitled to be in your space if you don't want them to be. You owe nobody NOTHING.
The first few weeks are all about survival, just do what you gotta do to stay sane and comfortable and don't feel bad about what you can't or are too tired to do.
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
@WinchesterGirl I'm a FTM, but I'm going to use the Hypnobabies home study to prepare for an unmedicated birth. I researched Bradley but I think Hypnobabies is a better fit for my personality type and what I'm looking for. I discussed it on a thread here a few weeks ago with @PerraSucia and she had mixed reviews but I still think it's what I'm going to go with.
As a friendly FYI (because you're awesome and I know you meant zero harm) I've learned in my research that "unmedicated" is preferred to "natural" when talking about these types of births, since all births are natural.
Screw housework Screw visitors if you don't want them Order out whenever if you don't want to cook
seriously, concentrate on taking care of baby and yourself. you'll get to everything else eventually. You don't need to entertain anyone and no one is entitled to be in your space if you don't want them to be. You owe nobody NOTHING.
The first few weeks are all about survival, just do what you gotta go to stay sane and comfortable and don't feel bad about what you can't or are too tired to do.
YES to all this! I was sooo bad the first time around about biting my tongue and letting people *cough*MIL*cough* make me feel like crap about not doing dishes as soon as they were done being used, or vacuuming daily (like she supposedly does), or not showering every day if I wasn't going anywhere or planning on visitors (yeah she'd just stop by unannounced then make me feel awful)...
@Xstatic3333 Sorry, didn't even catch that! I will fix it.
I will look into the hypnobabies, too. I have a friend who tried to do hypnobirthing with her second, but she ended up with some complications and it didn't work out, so I wasn't sure if it was worth looking into.
Screw housework Screw visitors if you don't want them Order out whenever if you don't want to cook
seriously, concentrate on taking care of baby and yourself. you'll get to everything else eventually. You don't need to entertain anyone and no one is entitled to be in your space if you don't want them to be. You owe nobody NOTHING.
The first few weeks are all about survival, just do what you gotta go to stay sane and comfortable and don't feel bad about what you can't or are too tired to do.
YES to all this! I was sooo bad the first time around about biting my tongue and letting people *cough*MIL*cough* make me feel like crap about not doing dishes as soon as they were done being used, or vacuuming daily (like she supposedly does), or not showering every day if I wasn't going anywhere or planning on visitors (yeah she'd just stop by unannounced then make me feel awful)...
2 days after giving birth my parents, inlaws, and Bil and SIL, came to visit. It was BIL's first time meeting his first niece, H being so excited said "what do you think of her?!" And BIL said "eh it's a baby." I locked myself in my bedroom until everyone left and then H got a nasty text the next day from BIL about how I was rude for not saying goodbye OR taking their coats when they arrived. That first week is rough, I was crying constantly, I hadn't slept more then 45 minute stretches for 72 hours, BFing wasn't going well, the amount of swelling and blood makes having visitors awkward, and I was really just trying to survive and keep baby alive. We didn't talk to BIL for a very long time after that.
Has anybody taught their baby sign language?? I want to do this. When did you start? How long did it take? Any book recommendations? Was it successful?? Thank you, in advance!
Regarding tearing. I did a lot of research in prep for labor because I wanted to avoid tearing at all costs. My research told me to try the evening primrose oil (which I did starting at 36 weeks) and if at all possible, give birth without meds. The best result I found in my research, as far as labor position, was to be on all fours. That leaves everything well positioned and open for baby, but slows his descent a little (squatting, for instance, is ideal but speeds things up) and gives more time for everything down there to stretch. You can't do these sorts of more active birthing positions with an epidural. Traditional hospital labor lying on your back is one of the worst possible positions in which to give birth, as far as tearing goes.
I gave birth med-free in a tub on all fours. My midwife also did some perineal support when necessary. I had only superficial lacerations and didn't need stitches. I also had a 7-pound baby, so I was lucky, and luck plays a huge part in all this. But I did my research and definitely recommend other FTMs do the same. I think it can really increase your odds of having a good birth experience. The numbers are out there, the research is there, the info is there. Google is your vagina's friend!
@Xstatic3333 Sorry, didn't even catch that! I will fix it.
I will look into the hypnobabies, too. I have a friend who tried to do hypnobirthing with her second, but she ended up with some complications and it didn't work out, so I wasn't sure if it was worth looking into.
Oh no worries! My thinking is that complications can come up with any birth plan, so I just need to be prepared but go with the flow. My concern is that some (not all!) Bradley instructors seem to equate CS and other interventions with failure, while the Hypnobabies techniques could, in theory, help me stay calm no matter what happens. Definitely do what works for you, though!
@homemake I'm wondering the same thing myself. The only thing about the side by side double strollers is they seem so bulky! My friend had a double Bob stroller and ended up never using it because she felt ridiculous pushing it anywhere other than outside for walks.
@Xstatic3333 you raise a very good point, complications happen. I am mostly aiming to go without meds if possible because I have a lot of medication allergies, and have had many adverse medication reactions in the past... It's not guaranteed I will have a problem, but I think it's just one less possible issue, IF I can go without meds.
Also, I really want to learn about the process of childbirth and what to expect.
@AfKash I started to teach signing a bit later than most, when my son was about a year old. At first I thought I was just supposed to learn the signs & teach him when feeding and doing activities and I wasn't too thrilled about it. Once I found out about the Baby Signing Time DVDS, I was thrilled because my son started to catch on and it helped me learn as well. Although now he says most of the words, he still uses signing and it helped when he couldn't quite say what he meant. I definitely think it's great to try!
@AfKash I don't remember when we started signing with DD but I know she was correctly using, more, milk, and eat by 7 months. @WinchesterGirl it was a dick thing for him to say and it took a long time for me to forgive him but there was a lot of problems with us before DD was born and we are finally in a really good spot. Putting 8 hours distance between us definitely helped.
@Gingersnap, @PerraSucia. It's not my loss personally. I just happen to be a pediatrician. I haven't discussed because I don't want to be bombarded. And the old Dr Sears was a great doctor who did a lot of research. The current Dr Sears who published the book of his opinion on vaccines and does the website has capitalized on his fathers reputation. They are not the same person nor have they earned the same respect in the medical community. The AAPs stance and that of most pediatricians is based on the whole volume of evidence that the safest way for a baby to sleep is on its back, alone, crib or bassinet, with no extra blanket, toys, etc. I won't argue with anyone about it because it won't change my position. I would never risk my baby's life for my sleep deprivation- it's temporary. And yes my views are skewed by the bad things I have seen in real life and also the evidence in studies that I have read.
@afkash DD learned sign language at daycare and around 7-8 months she started signing "more" and "eat". There was a long gap where she only signed those 2. My daughter NEEDED to communicate and the people at her daycare were shocked at how quickly she picked it up.
@scottipino I completely agree with you. Baby's safety comes first and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that. That's why I'm now thinking a co-sleeper would be best. I could easily feed the baby and put him back when he's done.
@scottipino I completely agree with you. Baby's safety comes first and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that. That's why I'm now thinking a co-sleeper would be best. I could easily feed the baby and put him back when he's done.
They make ones that attach to the side of your bed. Best of both worlds!
Risking a baby's life just to get sleep? Do you really not see how how insulting that is to those of us who bed share? I am willing to bet money that the unfortunate losses that have occurred were not in safe bed sharing situations. Stating your view and opinion is one thing, but insulting mothers like myself and scaring new moms is horrendous and irresponsible @scottipino
If there's a first time moms group in your area, join it! Where live, They have a new moms group that meets every Tuesday. it is a kind of support group for parents with children under the age of one. We'd go around the circle and everybody would talk about one high point from the week and one low. You were able to see that a lot of people had the same concerns as you and everybody's going through the same types of things. it was awesome! Not only did I get great advice and support from that group, but I also gained a lot of friends. I highly recommend joining one if there's one in your area!! The first year of life can sometimes be stressful, especially for first time parents. A good support system is invaluable!
Thank you all for such great advice!! I'm the first person in my family and of all my friends to get pregnant and my mom doesn't remember much/so much has changed since she was pregnant. I don't really have anyone to ask this kind of stuff, so these bump boards have been a life saving resource to me. I can't wait to keep learning from all of you amazing ladies
I am a family nurse practitioner, and by all means yes, professional medical associations all agree that the safest place and position for babies is as @scottipino has provided. I am also a mother who co slept. I really tried hard to do as was advised with sleeping. However, when my son started waking every 45 minutes to one hour throughout the entire night, after a while I caved. I was severely sleep deprived, which exacerbated my PPD. Plus he had learned to flip on his tummy after a while and terror ensued. I didn't know how to keep him on his back so I would wake up every twenty minutes to see if he was on his tummy. I can still remember after I brought him into bed with me and learned to side nurse, it was like some of the clouds cleared and I was able to get more and better sleep. I did a ton of research on how to do it safely and learned that in most other cultures, co sleeping is the norm. If I were to advise my patients, I would of course provide what is recommmended by the professional associations. Personally in my real life co sleeping was the solution. I truly believe as long as you provide all the risks, mothers should be allowed to make their own decisions and feel ok about it.
I hope this isn't too poorly worded because I'm off to find out the gender and I don't care about editing!!!
I totally agree that it can be done safely. When I was pregnant my plan was to have DD in her crib from day 1. Then I decided on the cosleeper next to my bed. But where she ended up? Co-sleeping with me. I was not risking her life so that I could sleep. I am an educated person, I have a chemistry degree, I was doing it safely and it was what was best for her. She ended up sleeping with me until age 4 (I was divorced for the bulk of that time and it worked best for us). Never did I set out to be a co-sleeping parent, but it worked out so well for us. Breast feeding is hard. Getting up every 45 minutes is hard. There needs to be education out there for the safe way to co-sleep, and not just scare tactics.
I know people already touched on this, but I used meetup.com and met some great new mom friends as individuals and some great support groups of moms. I really needed people I could be around IRL because I felt so lonely and isolated as a FTM. My H had just started a new job at the time traveling around the country and was gone ALL the time. I was suffering from PPD really really bad and being a part of these groups and making friends from them really helped me. I don't even know if they still do groups like that on meetup.com but they probably do.
DS had AWFUL reflux and the only way either one of us could get sleep was to co-sleep. We did it as safely as we could manage but it's really hard to say you're not going to do something when you're in what you believe is an impossible situation. DS couldn't sleep on his back because he was constantly spitting up and risked choking and I was terrified of "positioning" him in his bassinet in case he rolled over and I wouldn't catch it. We tried inclining the bassinet mattress but it was either still too low and when we went higher, he rolled to the bottom of it! IMO, so many things can be risky but we all do our best.
Like people have said, to each their own and that should be respected.
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
Re: Ask a STM 8/3
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/cosleeping-safely
I can understand your opinion seeing your situation, but I do not agree with you.
There are things that can go wrong in any situation.
Bedsharing, when done safely, is a completely natural way to do things.
These decisions are personal, and I don't think it is fair to insinuate that mothers can't bed share safely and responsibly.
the first night my son was born, we had both been up for daaaaayyyysss and I had to throw stuff at him to wake up and get the baby because I couldn't pick him up after my c/s.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
By the time I had him awake, I realized I could have just done everything myself.....
I did, however, have him stay up once it was morning and she was up for a while so I could catch some zzzzz's.
With our first I had assumed my husband was going to be full out helpful, turns out he wasn't helpful much at all (in my opinion). But I didn't ever know that, although he will hold a baby, he doesn't really enjoy it. He's a bigger guy, who is fidgety, and can't get comfortable holding an infant. He also can't stand the smell of poopy diapers, or even clean diapers, for some reason he can't hack the odors.
On our second I knew this going into it so I already knew he's not much of a holder while they are small, and he's not going to easily or willingly change poopy diapers. He was great though, at helping get bottles together or getting the diaper and wipes for me. He would get up earlier than me and would keep the baby quiet as long as he could so I could get more sleep. We found our "groove" and it was amazing.
This is our 3rd and I'm even more confident that even though he'll be away during the nights and sleeping during the days that we will find something that works for us. It's important to have compromise and understanding on both sides. After all, we as couples are a team, we do best when we find the way that's best for us to work together
The only way i got sleep was side nursing too but I am a VERY light sleeper now that DD came along and I have never felt she was threatened by sleeping that way. It is VERY hard to break the am habit tho.. For her and me.
Colic sucks!! But you'll make it thru!
My my doc worked some type of oil the whole time I pushed. No tearing at all! I was bad about my kegal exercises too.
I don't ever want to get rid of my BoB!! EVAR!!! I will try baby wearing vs buying a double stroller.
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
Screw visitors if you don't want them
Order out whenever if you don't want to cook
seriously, concentrate on taking care of baby and yourself. you'll get to everything else eventually. You don't need to entertain anyone and no one is entitled to be in your space if you don't want them to be. You owe nobody NOTHING.
The first few weeks are all about survival, just do what you gotta do to stay sane and comfortable and don't feel bad about what you can't or are too
tired to do.
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
As a friendly FYI (because you're awesome and I know you meant zero harm) I've learned in my research that "unmedicated" is preferred to "natural" when talking about these types of births, since all births are natural.
I will look into the hypnobabies, too. I have a friend who tried to do hypnobirthing with her second, but she ended up with some complications and it didn't work out, so I wasn't sure if it was worth looking into.
It was BIL's first time meeting his first niece, H being so excited said "what do you think of her?!" And BIL said "eh it's a baby." I locked myself in my bedroom until everyone left and then H got a nasty text the next day from BIL about how I was rude for not saying goodbye OR taking their coats when they arrived.
That first week is rough, I was crying constantly, I hadn't slept more then 45 minute stretches for 72 hours, BFing wasn't going well, the amount of swelling and blood makes having visitors awkward, and I was really just trying to survive and keep baby alive.
We didn't talk to BIL for a very long time after that.
I gave birth med-free in a tub on all fours. My midwife also did some perineal support when necessary. I had only superficial lacerations and didn't need stitches. I also had a 7-pound baby, so I was lucky, and luck plays a huge part in all this. But I did my research and definitely recommend other FTMs do the same. I think it can really increase your odds of having a good birth experience. The numbers are out there, the research is there, the info is there. Google is your vagina's friend!
I'm looking at this particular stroller for the convenience of adding an additional seat:
*photo from https://herscoop.com/posts/stroller-growing-families/ *
Here's a link to the options for this stroller... Wish I would've gotten one like this my first go around, but I figure since DS will be 2.5 when baby comes, that we can still use this stroller a got bit longer with both.
https://www.babyjogger.com/uploads/City-Select-Buyers-Guide.pdf
Also, I really want to learn about the process of childbirth and what to expect.
Maybe I should just try both. Can't hurt, right?
@WinchesterGirl it was a dick thing for him to say and it took a long time for me to forgive him but there was a lot of problems with us before DD was born and we are finally in a really good spot. Putting 8 hours distance between us definitely helped.
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
Do you really not see how how insulting that is to those of us who bed share?
I am willing to bet money that the unfortunate losses that have occurred were not in safe bed sharing situations.
Stating your view and opinion is one thing, but insulting mothers like myself and scaring new moms is horrendous and irresponsible @scottipino
Do you have to use the restroom? Shower to feel like a human? You need to set the baby down and go breath for 5 minutes?
Put the baby in a safe space and walk away. Give yourself the few minutes you need to take care of you and compose yourself then go back to it.
A few minutes of crying is not going to emotionally damage your child.
I can still remember after I brought him into bed with me and learned to side nurse, it was like some of the clouds cleared and I was able to get more and better sleep. I did a ton of research on how to do it safely and learned that in most other cultures, co sleeping is the norm. If I were to advise my patients, I would of course provide what is recommmended by the professional associations. Personally in my real life co sleeping was the solution. I truly believe as long as you provide all the risks, mothers should be allowed to make their own decisions and feel ok about it.
I hope this isn't too poorly worded because I'm off to find out the gender and I don't care about editing!!!
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
I did fall asleep holding her sitting in the rocker a few times.
DS had AWFUL reflux and the only way either one of us could get sleep was to co-sleep. We did it as safely as we could manage but it's really hard to say you're not going to do something when you're in what you believe is an impossible situation.
DS couldn't sleep on his back because he was constantly spitting up and risked choking and I was terrified of "positioning" him in his bassinet in case he rolled over and I wouldn't catch it. We tried inclining the bassinet mattress but it was either still too low and when we went higher, he rolled to the bottom of it! IMO, so many things can be risky but we all do our best.
Like people have said, to each their own and that should be respected.
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14