Ask a STM 8/3

birdiejo

Got questions about pregnancy, labor/delivery, baby gear, and beyond? 

Ask away!

lfrank12

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

birdiejo

@lfrank12 I think this is going to sound very cliche and lame but it really rings true to me now that my kid is on the verge of turning two... If I had to give you one all encompassing piece of advice it would be to try as you might to enjoy and savor every moment of pregnancy, newborn, and the whole first year. I often found myself wishing for the next milestone, and wishing away the time until she was born, til she would smile, til she would laugh etc... And then I blinked and she's going to be two. My biggest takeaway for my next LO is to try and not wish away time and savor everything, even the crappy parts, because pregnancy and newborn are so fleeting.

kswiger06

I would say try to be organized and ready for "the day" and coming home. I always did well having the clothes washed and all the baby stuff organized, but this time I'm going to pre-prepare suppers, and stock up on easy lunch foods in advance. I'm going to make suppers I can freeze and get table ready quickly, because right after the baby is born, it will throw your schedule out of whack. Plus you will probably be tired and drained and the last thing you will want to do is cook a big meal. 

Also big one, I always forget to stock up on pads and have to run out to get them AFTER the baby is born. I guess I just forget that I'll be needing those things in abundance.

grapeskittles4lyfe

@lfrank12
I think it would be "Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need"
Sounds trite, but I thought I needed to have this mom thing down from the start.
The first two weeks after DD was born I had no idea how people ever managed to have more than one kid. Asking other moms you respect for advice, reading about child development, listening to my gut, having people help out so I could actually shower....

Vastra

A TMI question: did you take measures to avoid tearing? Lotion? Oil? Is it even possible? 

peachesnbean

@Vastra - Now, this is something to discuss with your provider, but I do Evening Primrose Oil, inserted vaginally, around 37 weeks. This helps soften the cervix. I am not sure if there is evidence for it to prevent tearing, but it certainly won't hurt! The biggest things to prevent tearing are positioning and slowing down your pushing when crowning. A lot of provider will do a perineal massage for you during pushing, actually. Most you do not need to ask- they just do!

Babymakes5!

lfrank12 said:

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

We all think we are screwing it up. Being a mom is brutal hard. Mom guilt is real. Be kind to yourself. 

Gingersnap

Babymakes5! said:

lfrank12 said:

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

We all think we are screwing it up. Being a mom is brutal hard. Mom guilt is real. Be kind to yourself. 

So much this. 

birdiejo

@vastra if I remember correctly, my OB suggested last time to do perinal massages or something like that? I didn't end up doing it and tore but have no idea the success rate.

BumpasaurusRex

lfrank12 said:

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

The biggest piece of advice that I got was that you will bombarded with so much advice.  At the end of the day, if you feel you've done what's best for you and your family and you love them with your whole heart, then you're doing okay.  

Don't feel obligated to take someone's advice, even if it's your own mothers'.  You are the mom now, you do you.

Partyof6?

Don't be afraid to ask for help!  Be prepared to tell your husband and other helpers exactly what you need.   Stock up on pads.  Sending your husband to get them after delivery is funny, but frustrating.   Better yet if you have a mom or sister that can do this job, let them!   
Do whatever it takes to get everyone sleeping.   Everyone is going to have an opinion but figure out what works for you.   

If you plan to breastfeed, find resources before delivery that can help you, and don't be afraid to use them.   For me, there is a lactation consultant who runs groups and does consults that is a 35-40 minute drive, but worth her weight in gold.  My youngest never had an issue, but my twins were problem nursers.  I am pretty sure later on, we'll have a whole thread on this.

And yes, be kind to yourself.   You are doing the best you can.   Oh, and here's another big, big, big elephant in the room one.   Watch for signs of PPD, tell your husband, mother, sister in law, best friend to watch you too.   For me, I didn't let myself be diagnosed for way too long after my twins.   If you need help, get it.  My zoloft baby was my happiest baby, and she had the happiest mama.  You did not fail, there is not something wrong with you.   

birdiejo

Gear question for moms of two already and for those preparing for their second, what are you doing about this? 

We we currently have a single BoB running stroller and an almost two year old, do I need a double stroller ? I found having the travel system in the early days was fantastic so I want to be able to click in to a stroller in the beginning. Do I sell the single for a double? 

Ryder0406

My biggest piece of advice, which is going to sound stupid, is make your SO help IMMEDIATELY! I didn't. Nothing changed for him, I was up every night and with DD all day when I was on ML, H would come home and go straight to the mancave and not be seen again. At first I thought, I'm on ML, he has to get up for work, whatever... But I slowly started to resent him for never helping. Once I went back to work, he freaked out because I leave for work earlier and he had to get DD ready and drop her at daycare. Obviously since he had never helped he had no idea what to do and she just wanted me. She's 14mo now and still rarely says Dada but literally constantly says Mama and always wants me...

So yeah... Make him help, make him be involved! Even if it's just sitting up with you when you're feeding the LO in the middle of the night.

WinchesterGirl

I have a question - did any of you do the 12 week Bradley course? I would very much like to deliver med-free, and this seems to be the best course offering in my area. If not Bradley, any other suggestions on going without meds?

PerraSucia

@lfrank12 at some point in the first six months you will hate your spouse. Everything is overwhelming and most of it falls on you even if they help all the time. But power through, it gets way easier. 

peachesnbean

WinchesterGirl said:

I have a question - did any of you do the 12 week Bradley course? I would very much like to deliver naturally, and this seems to be the best course offering in my area. If not Bradley, any other suggestions on going naturally?

I never did Bradley, I had an awesome MW and husband and (in all honesty) good luck! My suggestions are to let go of negative associations of birth, get a doula, see a chiropractor, and stay active.

In labor- stay at home as long as you can. Stay out of that damn bed and off your back. use hydrotherapy- the tub and/or shower are your FRIEND. Move as much as you can, change positions often, stay hydrated and nourished. When you vocalize, vocalize deep-not high. Get a birth mantra to cling on to  "I'm gonna get huge", "this too shall pass", "baby is coming", "I am stronger than this", etc. Keep everything lose, your face should be relaxed, blow horse lips while contracting if it helps, don't cringe- welcome surges/contractions. I could go on and on really, doulas are great- they remind you of all of this at the right time 

BumpasaurusRex

+1 to feeling some sort of resentment towards your spouse, especially if you're breastfeeding.  A lot of it falls on the mother but making your SO be involved as much as possible will help curb those feelings.  I can't even tell you how many times I mentally punched DH when I'd be nursing in the MOTN while he slept peacefully.  

Also, I just want to say that you should never ask your SO for 'help.'  Dammit, they are an adult and this is just as much their responsibility as yours.  It should be something they just do because they have to and most importantly they CHOSE to, not because they feel some sense of obligation to make your life easier.

Nope, we both chose to do this, we are both accountable for OUR responsibilities.  

bdesterhouse

My biggest advice is to be honest with what you need. Don't be too proud to ask for help if you need it. Postpardum is a real thing and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I would also look into meal prepping to make coming home less stressful. Don't be afraid to kick people out so you can have some alone time as a family. It's stressful, exciting, and all around busy time and you'll be exhausted when you go home - the last thing you need to do is entertain people so if you don't feel like having people over then don't. Another big piece of advice is DO NOT ASSUME your spouse can read your mind or will automatically know what is needed. Men are clueless and to avoid frustration, be direct and straight forward with what you expect or need from them. 

fourPsinapod

lfrank12 said:

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

There is always a last for everything and you never know when it will be. There will be a last day of holding and rocking them and you just need to enjoy the moments when you can. 

fourPsinapod

Vastra said:

A TMI question: did you take measures to avoid tearing? Lotion? Oil? Is it even possible? 

My doc did some kind of massage with baby shampoo or something.. I didn't ask for it bc I didn't really know what to expect, but he just did it anyways. 

fourPsinapod

homemake said:

Gear question for moms of two already and for those preparing for their second, what are you doing about this? 

We we currently have a single BoB running stroller and an almost two year old, do I need a double stroller ? I found having the travel system in the early days was fantastic so I want to be able to click in to a stroller in the beginning. Do I sell the single for a double? 

My sister is giving us a hand me down double stroller. I honestly don't even think we will use it that often as DD barely needs it now except for super long outings. I would say try to find a cheap one on CL or from a friend and not spend a ton on it. 

Gingersnap

Ryder0406 said:

My biggest piece of advice, which is going to sound stupid, is make your SO help IMMEDIATELY! I didn't. Nothing changed for him, I was up every night and with DD all day when I was on ML, H would come home and go straight to the mancave and not be seen again. At first I thought, I'm on ML, he has to get up for work, whatever... But I slowly started to resent him for never helping. Once I went back to work, he freaked out because I leave for work earlier and he had to get DD ready and drop her at daycare. Obviously since he had never helped he had no idea what to do and she just wanted me. She's 14mo now and still rarely says Dada but literally constantly says Mama and always wants me...

So yeah... Make him help, make him be involved! Even if it's just sitting up with you when you're feeding the LO in the middle of the night.

I agree with most of this, except the sitting up with you while feeding. 
Why on earth would he need to do that? That sounds.... spiteful. No need for both of you to miss out on sleep. 

BumpasaurusRex

fourPsinapod said:

lfrank12 said:

Kind of a broad question to start things off, but what is your #1 piece of advice for a FTM (whether it be for pregnancy or once the baby comes)?

There is always a last for everything and you never know when it will be. There will be a last day of holding and rocking them and you just need to enjoy the moments when you can. 

The bolded is so true.  When DS was little, I was always looking forward to the next milestone that I didn't even stop to think about how much I'd miss the previous stage.  I do remember the last time I BF him and I wish I would have taken more photos.  

Babymakes5!

Partyof6? said:

Don't be afraid to ask for help!  Be prepared to tell your husband and other helpers exactly what you need.   Stock up on pads.  Sending your husband to get them after delivery is funny, but frustrating.   Better yet if you have a mom or sister that can do this job, let them!   
Do whatever it takes to get everyone sleeping.   Everyone is going to have an opinion but figure out what works for you.   

If you plan to breastfeed, find resources before delivery that can help you, and don't be afraid to use them.   For me, there is a lactation consultant who runs groups and does consults that is a 35-40 minute drive, but worth her weight in gold.  My youngest never had an issue, but my twins were problem nursers.  I am pretty sure later on, we'll have a whole thread on this.

And yes, be kind to yourself.   You are doing the best you can.   Oh, and here's another big, big, big elephant in the room one.   Watch for signs of PPD, tell your husband, mother, sister in law, best friend to watch you too.   For me, I didn't let myself be diagnosed for way too long after my twins.   If you need help, get it.  My zoloft baby was my happiest baby, and she had the happiest mama.  You did not fail, there is not something wrong with you.   

Omg yes to the last one. and not just PPD. Being a mom comes with an inherent amount of anxiety. Even the most chill woman is going to have anxious "am I doing this right?!" Moments. But post partum anxiety is when it goes beyond that. I tortured myself from February 2012 (my first born) until October 2012 before finally admitting that my level of anxiety wasn't ok. And within a few weeks of being treated for PPA, I felt that magical bonding,  happy new parent feeling I so desperately wanted but couldn't find in the haze of anxiety. There is no shame in dealing with these issues. You and baby will be so much better off if you recognize it and get help asap.

Gingersnap

My husband is the type that needs to be asked directly and clearly what is wanted/ needed. 
He  doesn't get hints, or any type of subtle direction. 
When I first had DD he was not helpful. I let it go and ended up losing my shit and flipping out on him. It wasn't that he didn't want to help, I just wasn't asking clearly. Once I broke down what I needed from him, he was super hands on and just awesome. 
Be direct. 

blush64

I do think it all goes by so quickly. I tried not to wish away any moments because I knew I would miss many of them. That being said, they won't all be great moments. Being overly tired with a grumpy, crying baby is not fun. It's ok if you don't enjoy every moment. It's ok if you do wish some moments would hurry and pass. 

I think others have given great advice. Go easy on yourself, we all will make mistakes or do things differently then planned or decide we want to do what we never thought we would. We grow, learn, change and do the best we can at the time. 

 Be aware of what to look for as far as post partum depression or anxiety but also have those close to you also aware of what to look for. Sometimes it's harder to recognize when you are going through it. (Even when you have been through it before and even when you know what to expect) 

Be open with your needs and wants. Even if you feel your partner should know, just tell them. 

edelat11

@lfrank12 yes piggybacking on other responses! Def enjoy every moment!! BF would take like 40 mins every 2hours when DD was a newborn and I woud be so drained. but I didn't cherish it as much as I should have! DD is 15months now. 

blush64

During labour/delivery be open. Stick to what you want and have a support person help ensure you aren't pushed in to anything but don't feel badly if you do change your mind. A med-free birth is possible but there is nothing wrong with choosing meds. Med-free or not it is ok. 

Your birth experience is yours. If you decide meds are part of that, it is ok and there is nothing less special or less amazing about a birth using pain meds or needing an intervention. You can't fail at any of this no matter what happens. It isn't a test.

Partyof6?

As far as middle of the night feedings went, my hubby usually was in charge of fetch the baby and change the diaper, then go back to sleep while I nurse.  

Also, when baby is a bit bigger and if you are comfortable with it, nursing laying down rocks.   

Gingersnap

Side nursing and bed sharing was the only way I got any sleep. 
I would sleep topless, open bar style, and she would nurse as she pleased. You will be amazed at their ability to wiggle and find the nip, even when they are tiny.

Munchie2.0

fourPsinapod said:

homemake said:

Gear question for moms of two already and for those preparing for their second, what are you doing about this? 

We we currently have a single BoB running stroller and an almost two year old, do I need a double stroller ? I found having the travel system in the early days was fantastic so I want to be able to click in to a stroller in the beginning. Do I sell the single for a double? 

My sister is giving us a hand me down double stroller. I honestly don't even think we will use it that often as DD barely needs it now except for super long outings. I would say try to find a cheap one on CL or from a friend and not spend a ton on it. 

I am looking into the sit-to-stand strollers because the double stroller just seems like too much of a pita! DD usually walks, but for trips to the zoo we definetly need a stroller option. 

I dont see a problem with using the click connect system we already have for short outings because I will also have the option to wear the baby and let DD use the stroller if need be.  

Munchie2.0

Best advice would be just try to be okay with things going sideways... 

it's okay! You will get a routine down and before you know it, you will be offering advice to friends/family  

Gingersnap

Don't worry about "habits" that you will have to "break" later, i.e. nursing to sleep, pacifiers, never being put down. 
Do what you need to do to get by in that moment, all the other stuff will work out later. 

edelat11

@gingersnap heck yeh! Even during the day Iwould forget that one of the girls was hanging out and walk around the house like that before I realized. oooooooops.

expandcontract

@gingersnap I'm picturing myself kicking my husband out of bed so the baby and I can have it all to ourselves. LOL. J/k. but side nursing sounds awesome!

Gingersnap

I would preface all visitors with "hey, just FYI, my boobs will be out at some point and I don't cover in my own home" 

SweetT

BFing was so much harder than I could have imagined and I made so many mistakes but what I think hurt the most was not giving myself any time to eat or drink or relax. I refused to ask for help from anyone other than H. I'm insane about house being spotless when visitors come by so I spent every moment not feeding DD, cleaning, laundry, or showering and looking presentable. 
I would be a little easier on myself no one cares if my baseboards are clean when coming to see a newborn. 

jab3-2

I thought I needed so much stuff and it ended up that I just really didn't. I know buying stuff is fun and some things end up really coming in handy, but try to keep it simple because it can get overwhelming and expensive very quickly. 

scottipino

I hate to be the Debbie downer but bed sharing is not recommended.  As someone who has been there with a suffocated baby-  please understand your doctor is advocating for a separate safe sleep environment because they care.  Back to sleep, separate bed, firm mattress, no extra blankets, toys, etc.  Room sharing is recommended.  Get a co-sleeper bassinet or something else in your room but not in the same bed please.  

PerraSucia

Gingersnap said:

Side nursing and bed sharing was the only way I got any sleep. 
I would sleep topless, open bar style, and she would nurse as she pleased. You will be amazed at their ability to wiggle and find the nip, even when they are tiny.

i've got the leakiest boobs that ever existed and had to sleep on towels even with pads on and changed them periodically through the night. 

if you find yourself in this situation don't wear grey shirts outside the house for a long time.  just stick with black.