I've mentioned before that I'm planning to sleep in the guest room for a while after DD is born because DH is a light sleeper and doesn't want the baby in our room. I was planning to transition back to our room at some point with a monitor, hopefully within three months. I was sad about the idea of sleeping apart, but it seemed like it would probably help for a while.
Well...there's been a new development and I'm heartsick over it. I have to get up once a night to pee, thanks to the pregnancy and it wakes DH up and he can't fall back to sleep. He also doesn't like that I roll over even more than usual, trying to get comfortable. He said he can't handle it anymore and wants me to move to the baby's room (aka our guest room) for the rest of the pregnancy (5 more months). He also won't be able to deal with me using a monitor and getting up to feed DD, so he wants me to stay here until she sleeps through the night. So in total, we're looking at separate bedrooms for at least a year. (More if DD takes longer and also if we have second child.) Tonight is my second night in the guest room and I'm devastated. (And writing about it in the middle of the night because I can't sleep.) I told him how sad I am about this and he suggested that I can sleep in our bedroom on weekends. I'm grateful for that, I guess, but it isn't enough. I hate sleeping without him, I hate that he prefers sleeping without me, and I hate the thought that I'll get used to this and probably sleep better without him. I'm scared how this will affect our relationship. Anyone can have sex, but sleeping together (and preferring it that way) gives a couple that special one-ness. It's the time that I feel closest to him.
I hate this. I hate it so much.
TTC#1 since Jan 2015
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)BFP 11/18/15 • DD born at 41 weeks (age 37/38)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40) BFP 5/11/19 • Fraternal twins • MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w) • Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)
Re: Sleeping arrangements
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
I would make any sacrifice to get back in the same room, but he isn't having a hard time with this new situation. Knowing that hurts even more. This feels so unnatural and wrong and dangerous for our relationship to me.
@bernierae I was awake from 1:30am until about 5:30am and woke up at 7:45am. Ugh.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
But really, if your DH is unwilling to even try things to help make it possible for you to sleep together in the same room, that's probably the real starting point. Do you think this is him "acting out" over something else? Preemptively creating distance or something because he's afraid of the potential distance baby could create (but certainly does not have to!)? What you are describing just makes me think of how I have seen people act when a friend is moving out of town. They cut things off so they feel like they were in control of the "leaving" before the other person actually leaves. Anyway. I may be totally wrong, but it just sounds like there's something emotional underlying this for your DH....
in in terms of practical suggestions, definitely ask him if he can try to fall asleep without the tv. That's not the best plan anyway. It might be a step in the direction of being a little more adaptable on his part.
Thinking of you and hoping you are back in the bedroom soon!
ETA: I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's so hard.
I hope you won't mind me adding a few suggestions here, as both DH and I have histories of insomnia, so I have a lot of experience in getting through this. It does sound like your H could do a lot to improve his sleep hygiene. Falling asleep in front of the TV is really common and many people think it helps but has been proven to disrupt sleep patterns. We have strict sleep hygiene policies - same bedtime and wake time every day, no electronics (TVs, cell phones, tablets, etc) in the bedroom, bed is only used for sleep and sex, etc. If your DH finds the noise of the TV soothing then try a white noise machine. I swear by ours! He needs to be coached to be patient because change doesn't occur overnight - it takes a while to adjust to new patterns. Melatonin is also something to consider, though I don't have any personal experience with it. I've done pre-bedtime relaxation and/or meditation exercises with good effect. If all else fails use of a sleep medication short term is definitely something he could consider with advice from his doctor. But DH and I both now sleep ~9 solid hours almost every single night, and are completely off sleeping medications.
I think that starting by sitting down with him and letting him know how important this is to you is the right first step. He really should make an effort at being flexible.
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
Im sorry if this is overstepping, but talking to someone as a couple could do wonders, if therapy is too much maybe a priest/rabbi? There are nights that you could sleep in the other bedroom but you don't want it to be the norm, and the fact that hubs seems 'ok' is very hurtful. Instead of letting this snowball might be good to come up with solutions together, where you're not doing all the sacrificing. Sending hugs momma.
Oh, and we sold our guest bedroom bed to my brother-in-law so he couldn't go back.
I also agree with @Wyattnash00 - there are going to be nights where he is going to have to buck up and help with the baby. You cannot do it all on your own. I did MOST of the nighttime baby care while I was on maternity leave because I felt like my hubby had to go to work and I didn't, but there were nights I just needed him to do part of it because I was freaking exhausted. This is his daughter too! He needs to help you. Sorry - I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I'm having flashbacks to those first weeks home. Oh boy....
• He already takes Melatonin
• He takes so many different medications for his colitis, I'm reluctant to add sleeping pills to it.
• I always turn the tv off after he falls asleep, so we're not actually sleeping with it on. (And there's no way he'd give it up.)
• I'm reluctant to spend money on a mattress if he says he had a Tempurpedic and it didn't help. I'd probably be paying for a mattress I only get to use on weekends, at a time that I really can't afford it.
• He is adamantly against couple's counseling. He did it with his ex-wife and said it sped up their divorce.
• I've already told him this hurts me and I'm scared what it will do to our relationship. He said our relationship would suffer more if we were both losing sleep. (But it's fine for one of us, I guess? Meaning me?) I know he'd be a real jerk about it if I insisted on staying in the room. He would either be sleep-deprived and grumpy, compounded by anger at me for not agreeing to sleep apart, or he would move to the guest room and be angry at me because there isn't a tv in there and our master bedroom is much nicer.
• He preferred that we didn't have kids, but agreed to do it for me. He made it clear that he would not be helping, but I really wanted this, so I have to deal with that. My dad didn't help my mom, either, by the way.
• I don't think he is creating distance as a pre-emptive strike (although a friend did that to me when I moved to Florida). If anything, he is pre-emptively securing undisturbed nights because of the coming baby. Or perhaps the thought of me moving to the guest room with the baby made him think, "why wait when I could sleep better now?" That's more likely. He has always complained about me rolling over too much. Long before the pregnancy.
The bottom line is he's happy with this arrangement, so getting him to do something about it is that much harder.
P.S. Our 5 year anniversary is on Saturday. (Dating, not marriage.) Sad timing.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
From what I've seen you write about your relationship since the TTC>35 board, it's clear that you two love each other. I hope that as you two work through all of these changes--however they end up looking for you two--that you can both hold on to that first and foremost. I do hope he will be more considerate of your feelings and needs, but as that journey unfolds, I hope you can both find ways to show each other how much you love each other, even if it's just something really simple.
Hugs to you. And I hope that even if this new arrangement lasts longer than you want, that you can start getting some good sleep too...
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
Regarding the nighttime childcare (or daytime), if we both wanted kids, I'd be in a much better position to demand that he help. Imagine if you didn't want kids, but gave in for your spouse and then they started making demands. What's fair in that situation?
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
We're definitely here for you if you need to vent as you guys work through this stuff.
Hang in there and I hope you can enjoy your 5 year (dating) anniversary this weekend.
Also, on a silly note, maybe you can find your own perks to the situation--for me, that would be lots and lots and lots of eating in bed!
It's Friday, so I get to spend the next two nights back in our bedroom where I belong. I thought it all through and went back to square one -- maybe I can figure out how to not get up during the night and roll over so much. Drink a lot earlier in the day and nothing close to bedtime. And just try to be comfortable where I'm at instead of moving a lot. It's not ideal, but sleeping without him is heartbreaking. If I can swing this for the weekend (fingers crossed) perhaps I can stay. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. My bladder is not my friend these days.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
Married 5/30/15
TTC #1 June 2015
BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
TTC #2 May 2017
BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
@CarrieandRoy I am late to this post and it sounds as though you've gotten some great feedback and are trying some new things to make the sleeping situation work. I wanted to add some different perspectives on sleeping together. My husband works day and night shifts and when he works a few night shifts on a row, we do not sleep together. Even when he's home his sleep is so disordered he often is up till 4-5 am and sleeps fitfully on the couch coming to bed basically as I am leaving it for the day. So I wanted to weigh in that for lots of reasons there are couples who do not sleep together. If you become one of those couples some things we do to maintain that intimacy are: he comes in to tuck me in and lays with me until I fall asleep, when possible (much less often know we have kids) I lay down with him for a part of one of his daytime naps, we text each other goodnight, we lay together in the evenings and read a book we have on the go to each other. However our situation is one of necessity and I can see how it might be harder to swallow if it felt like a choice, but I wanted to share that there are lots of ways to work around separately sleeping.
Finally I wanted to mention that when we had our first I was a bit more your husband going into it. My husband really wanted kids and I was not so sure, I basically said we would have one because it was important to him, buy if I'd been driving the baby boat it likely would have stayed at the dock. That said the minutes I agreed to have a child in my mind I agreed to equally parent that child. I worried about my ability to connect with and love the baby but I knew that if we brought a baby into our home we would both need to care for it. While the minutes I saw my son I was head over heals and we are on number three.
But this is not the case for everyone. I am concerned that emotionally feeling like you permanently owe your husband because of his compromise would be difficult. Post part-time hormones are a crazy beast and even if you feel OK with approaching parenting with slightly unequal roles or feelings now, it is amazing how irrational emotions can become between the lack of sleep and the hormonal changes. Even if you're dh isn't open to individual counseling I might consider personal counselling just to weed try through how to set reasonable boundaries and expectations as you two embark on parenthood.
Glad you had a better sleep last night.
@CarrieandRoy have you looked into Casper mattresses? They are memory foam, wicked comfy, and super affordable. Plus, they deliver right to your house AND if you don't like it, you get 100 days to try it out and they will pick it up and take it away if you don't like it. We paid ~800 for a queen-sized mattress, and I think the king sized are ~1000. When we do share a bed, i can't feel DH move. It's more his body heat that gets me... he's hot stuff! Check out Casper and see if it might help you all out.
Good luck!
@lillebowski23 I'll look into Casper mattresses.
@bgf1 thanks for the suggestions. And I think it makes things slightly different when the woman is on the fence about having the baby. It's harder to leave full responsibility up to the guy. You can't help but carry the pregnancy, and there are hormonal and neural changes that occur that help you bond with the baby, not to mention feeling it kick and having it inside you. Then there is the delivery, and probably at least some nursing, which also releases bonding hormones, as well as being something your DH can't do. If my DH had to do all that stuff, I'm sure he would feel like it was "our thing" instead of referring to it as "my thing" this weekend. (Referring to the pregnancy/baby. The thing I wanted to do.) There are a lot of guys who leave infant and toddler care to the mother. My father and DH's father did. I've never met a woman who had a baby and handed over full responsibility to her husband and never changed a diaper, etc.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
Long story short, it really started to bother me and I felt like DH and I were not as close. He was not open to having surgery, so we did all of the things the other ladies suggested. We went shopping for a new mattress and he and I laid on every mattress in the store...we even had one of us practice rolling and getting up to see how it felt. We were able to find a king sized mattress with very little movement and we did NOT pay $3700....I think it was $1000? I also started wearing ear plugs. Not something that I wanted to do, but it was worth it to not have to sleep apart. We began using separate blankets so that no one was pulling on a blanket when rolling and waking the other person up. And it all worked! I have heard you say that your DH is not terribly flexible, but maybe he'd be willing to try out some different solutions and see what might work for you guys. There's definitely no one right answer.
Hoping you guys can figure something out - and I hope that you were able to celebrate your anniversary!
@infantino22 a friend of mine is due in a few days and said she'd give me her snoogle when she's done with it. Perhaps it will help.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
also, this is random, but I saw a commercial for tempurpedics and it showed the adjustable ones, which are a split mattress in some cases. Now, I'm not saying you should get an adjustable bed, but a split king might work well! If you each are technically on your own mattress, motion transfer should be practically non-existent, right? But you'd still be in the same bed! Anyway. Random thoughts of a pregnant lady watching tv.
Also, random side note to anyone considering an adjustable bed: we did a non-Tempurpedic mattress with an adjustable Tempurpedic base to save $ on the mattress part. The base is amazing and although I balked at the price at first, I'm so glad we did it. We didn't like the separation feeling of the split King, but I wish we had done that after all - there are nights where DH wants to incline and read but I'm tired and want to flatten and go to sleep... And coming up, there will be nights where I want to incline and nurse and he wants to stay blissfully unaware of all of that... Lol.
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)
BFP 2/19/15 • MMC found at 9 wks • D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15 • CP (age 37)
TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17 • MMC found at 8 wks • Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)
BFP 2/16/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18 • CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18 • MMC found at 10.5 wks • D&E at 11.5 wks • Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)
RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.
BFP 9/24/18 • CP (age 40)