Sleeping arrangements — The Bump
Pregnant after 35

Sleeping arrangements

I've mentioned before that I'm planning to sleep in the guest room for a while after DD is born because DH is a light sleeper and doesn't want the baby in our room. I was planning to transition back to our room at some point with a monitor, hopefully within three months. I was sad about the idea of sleeping apart, but it seemed like it would probably help for a while.

Well...there's been a new development and I'm heartsick over it. I have to get up once a night to pee, thanks to the pregnancy and it wakes DH up and he can't fall back to sleep. He also doesn't like that I roll over even more than usual, trying to get comfortable. He said he can't handle it anymore and wants me to move to the baby's room (aka our guest room) for the rest of the pregnancy (5 more months). He also won't be able to deal with me using a monitor and getting up to feed DD, so he wants me to stay here until she sleeps through the night. So in total, we're looking at separate bedrooms for at least a year. (More if DD takes longer and also if we have second child.) Tonight is my second night in the guest room and I'm devastated. (And writing about it in the middle of the night because I can't sleep.) I told him how sad I am about this and he suggested that I can sleep in our bedroom on weekends. I'm grateful for that, I guess, but it isn't enough. I hate sleeping without him, I hate that he prefers sleeping without me, and I hate the thought that I'll get used to this and probably sleep better without him. I'm scared how this will affect our relationship. Anyone can have sex, but sleeping together (and preferring it that way) gives a couple that special one-ness. It's the time that I feel closest to him.

I hate this. I hate it so much.
TTC#1 since Jan 2015
BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

TTC#2 since May 2017
BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

BFP 2/16/18
  •  CP (age 39)
BFP 4/13/18
  •  CP (age 39)
BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
•  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

BFP 9/24/18  • 
CP (age 40)
BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













dCHanson
«1

Re: Sleeping arrangements

  • I'm up in the middle of the night and shouldn't be on my phone so i'll need to wait to properly respond, but just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this :(  Hope you were able to get back to sleep tonight. 
    carrieandr
  • I'm sorry. This would break my heart too. Honestly I think it's an unfair thing of your H to ask of you. Have you discussed ways to make co-sleeping easier? For example, DH and I own a Tempurpedic mattress so if one of us turns over the other one can barely detect it. Also, a king sized bed can do wonders. And has your husband tried sleeping with ear plugs or white noise machines? I'm a very light sleeper myself and my husband snores, so I've resorted to all of these measures. They work! Every now and then (maybe a few times a month) when I'm really struggling I go and sleep in our guest room, but I know it upsets my DH. We both believe that maintaining the intimacy of sharing a bed is important, and I've had to learn to adapt to rather than resent his noisy sleeping habits. I hope you and your H can reach a similar compromise.
    Me: 40  DH: 43
    Married 5/30/15
    TTC #1 June 2015
    BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
    TTC #2 May 2017
    BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
    BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
    carrieandrSporty1216Goldsgirl9
  • Loading the player...
  • @redheadbride15He has always hated how much I roll over and I told him once that when we replace our mattress, we have to get the kind in the commercial where you can set a glass of wine on it and roll over or jump up and down or something and it won't spill. We can't really afford to buy a mattress right now, but maybe this new sleeping arrangement makes it priority number one. Ear plugs would be the hard part. He falls asleep watching tv, so he'd have actually decide to go to sleep and put them in instead of just drifting off. I'd have to see if he was willing to make that sacrifice for me.

    I would make any sacrifice to get back in the same room, but he isn't having a hard time with this new situation. Knowing that hurts even more. This feels so unnatural and wrong and dangerous for our relationship to me.

    @bernierae I was awake from 1:30am until about 5:30am and woke up at 7:45am. Ugh.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I just googled it and the temper pedis mattress you mentioned is the one I was thinking of. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-O7jZKS6A8s
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • Dammit! A queen size mattress is $3699! I don't think I can go that high with a baby on the way. I have no idea how much a baby will impact our finances yet, plus I'm a freelance graphic designer, so I need to keep a large bank balance as a safety net.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I just texted DH about temperpedic mattresses. He loves them and he used to have one (his ex-wife has it now) but he said you can still feel the other person move. :(
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • Sporty1216Sporty1216 member
    edited March 2016
    @CarrieandRoy -- I'm with @redheadbride15 . This seems like a really unfair request and I can absolutely understand why you are devastated. We have a tempurpedic too in a California king and it does help. There are less expensive options out there--lots of knock-off brands and also less pricey tempurpedics (which is what we went with). 

    But really, if your DH is unwilling to even try things to help make it possible for you to sleep together in the same room, that's probably the real starting point. Do you think this is him "acting out" over something else? Preemptively creating distance or something because he's afraid of the potential distance baby could create (but certainly does not have to!)? What you are describing just makes me think of how I have seen people act when a friend is moving out of town. They cut things off so they feel like they were in control of the "leaving" before the other person actually leaves. Anyway. I may be totally wrong, but it just sounds like there's something emotional underlying this for your DH....

    in in terms of practical suggestions, definitely ask him if he can try to fall asleep without the tv. That's not the best plan anyway. It might be a step in the direction of being a little more adaptable on his part. 

    Thinking of you and hoping you are back in the bedroom soon!

    ETA: I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's so hard. 

    Goldsgirl9
  • Yeah, Tempurpedics are ridiculously expensive. We have a full-sized and I'd love to upgrade to a Queen (King would be even better) but it's not in our budget and so far we're doing okay. But Sporty is right that there are less expensive knock-off brands that use memory foam. They're lower quality and don't last quite as long, but it sounds like you need a quick fix, so this would be a good option for you. I'd aim for a king-sized if it will fit in your space.

    I hope you won't mind me adding a few suggestions here, as both DH and I have histories of insomnia, so I have a lot of experience in getting through this. It does sound like your H could do a lot to improve his sleep hygiene. Falling asleep in front of the TV is really common and many people think it helps but has been proven to disrupt sleep patterns. We have strict sleep hygiene policies - same bedtime and wake time every day, no electronics (TVs, cell phones, tablets, etc) in the bedroom, bed is only used for sleep and sex, etc. If your DH finds the noise of the TV soothing then try a white noise machine. I swear by ours! He needs to be coached to be patient because change doesn't occur overnight - it takes a while to adjust to new patterns. Melatonin is also something to consider, though I don't have any personal experience with it. I've done pre-bedtime relaxation and/or meditation exercises with good effect. If all else fails use of a sleep medication short term is definitely something he could consider with advice from his doctor. But DH and I both now sleep ~9 solid hours almost every single night, and are completely off sleeping medications.

    I think that starting by sitting down with him and letting him know how important this is to you is the right first step. He really should make an effort at being flexible.
    Me: 40  DH: 43
    Married 5/30/15
    TTC #1 June 2015
    BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
    TTC #2 May 2017
    BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
    BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
    lickastickemgee27
  • Oh @carrieandRoy, I'm so sad to hear about this. So much great advice from the ladies. And I too, agree, that this is a lot of your husband to ask, sleeping apart for a year isn't good for any relationship. I know he has children but part of having a baby IS the middle of the night.  I'm not saying he needs to be up with you all the time but if you have a colicky baby or one that's up every hr, you'll lose your mind without his help. Plus it bonds you as parents. I know you've thought of all of this. To piggyback all of those with insomnia, I've had major insomnia for 20 years, am a super light sleeper and I'm up every 2 hrs at this point. I have a white noise machine, ear plugs, just bought a 'bamboo' pillow which has done wonders. And agree that the generic temperpeducs are likely half the price, plus stores have huge sales a couple times a year..maybe Memorial Day? I move to the couch sometimes because I need to but I need the intimacy of being near my husband, everyone does.

    Im sorry if this is overstepping, but talking to someone as a couple could do wonders, if therapy is too much maybe a priest/rabbi? There are nights that you could sleep in the other bedroom but you don't want it to be the norm, and the fact that hubs seems 'ok' is very hurtful. Instead of letting this snowball might be good to come up with solutions together, where you're not doing all the sacrificing. Sending hugs momma.
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I just wanted to pop in and say I love all the advice given by the ladies and I agree with it whole heartedly and that I am sorry that this is so hard right now. I hope you guys are able to find a solution that makes you both happy, it sucks that you are feeling so yucky about it all. 
  • I'm a little late and you've gotten great advice from all these wise ladies, but I wanted to share my experience.  My hubby was complaining about my snoring - I had a horrible cold/strep throat/bronchitis last spring that lasted about a month - so he moved to our guest room.  I'm not going to lie, initially I loved it.  I felt like crap and I didn't feel like I had to be quiet when coughing fits occurred or I had a blow my nose 17 times.  Once I felt better, I let it slide for a couple weeks thinking he'd just come back one day and truthfully, I slept really well.  Well, he didn't come back and I started to miss him.  All I could think of was that we'd been married for less than 3 years and were already sleeping in separate beds.  Where do you go from there?  Anyway, long story short - I sat him down and told him how important it was to me that he sleep with me and that I wanted him to see if snoring was still even an issue now that my illness was done.  He moved back into our room and it's been fine.  I really think you need to tell your hubby that this hurts you and you don't want it to impact your marriage long-term.  

    Oh, and we sold our guest bedroom bed to my brother-in-law so he couldn't go back.  

    I also agree with @Wyattnash00 - there are going to be nights where he is going to have to buck up and help with the baby.  You cannot do it all on your own.  I did MOST of the nighttime baby care while I was on maternity leave because I felt like my hubby had to go to work and I didn't, but there were nights I just needed him to do part of it because I was freaking exhausted.  This is his daughter too!  He needs to help you.  Sorry - I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.  I'm having flashbacks to those first weeks home.  Oh boy....  
    *** Child & current pregnancy mentioned ***
    Me - 41 (PCOS), Hubby - 43 (healthy)
    7/2013 - Sweet baby girl born (Clomid + TI)
    3/2014 - TTC #2, return to RE 7/2014
    12/2015: IVF #1 transferred two great looking embryos - BFP!
    First ultrasound: TWO beautiful little heartbeats!!
    Harmony: negative; level 2: babies look great and are boy/girl! :) 
    Wyattnash00
  • I think he's an incensative ass, your growing a life in you and he can't sleep? If that was my man, he would be sleeping in the garage with a sleeping bag. That's not normal or healthy and not good for your relationship. A baby is going to cry. Best response. Tell him to man up. Lol he's going to have to get up during the night to help. My husband gets up in the middle of night just to get me fresh water with lemonade n wedge, damp towel and often when I can't sleep he rubs my feet, or makes me early breakfast. He often will leave at midnight to store when I was sick to bring back crackers to help ease tummy. Lol I swear every time I move, he's ready to be sweet....why because he gets I'm growing a life, it's hard and he wants to show how much he cares often and he loves me. If he can't sleep, I never know about it.....but I'm just extremely pampered and loved but he's a good man, you should expect your hubby to be a good man too. Never would he ask me or make me feel like I need to sleep someplace else.
  • I really appreciate all of your suggestions. Unfortunately, DH is not a flexible guy. To address all the things mentioned:
    • He already takes Melatonin
    • He takes so many different medications for his colitis, I'm reluctant to add sleeping pills to it.
    • I always turn the tv off after he falls asleep, so we're not actually sleeping with it on. (And there's no way he'd give it up.)
    • I'm reluctant to spend money on a mattress if he says he had a Tempurpedic and it didn't help. I'd probably be paying for a mattress I only get to use on weekends, at a time that I really can't afford it.
    • He is adamantly against couple's counseling. He did it with his ex-wife and said it sped up their divorce.
    • I've already told him this hurts me and I'm scared what it will do to our relationship. He said our relationship would suffer more if we were both losing sleep. (But it's fine for one of us, I guess? Meaning me?) I know he'd be a real jerk about it if I insisted on staying in the room. He would either be sleep-deprived and grumpy, compounded by anger at me for not agreeing to sleep apart, or he would move to the guest room and be angry at me because there isn't a tv in there and our master bedroom is much nicer.
    • He preferred that we didn't have kids, but agreed to do it for me. He made it clear that he would not be helping, but I really wanted this, so I have to deal with that. My dad didn't help my mom, either, by the way.
    • I don't think he is creating distance as a pre-emptive strike (although a friend did that to me when I moved to Florida). If anything, he is pre-emptively securing undisturbed nights because of the coming baby. Or perhaps the thought of me moving to the guest room with the baby made him think, "why wait when I could sleep better now?" That's more likely. He has always complained about me rolling over too much. Long before the pregnancy.

    The bottom line is he's happy with this arrangement, so getting him to do something about it is that much harder.

    P.S. Our 5 year anniversary is on Saturday. (Dating, not marriage.)  Sad timing.

    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I'm sorry to hear that you are having this problem. It definitely sounds like you need to have a talk with him about how it is unrealistic of him to expect you to perform ALL of the night-time care once your baby is born! 

     
  • It sounds like you have really tried to think of every possible solution, @CarrieandRoy   I'm sorry you are facing this and I'm sorry that it doesn't seem like there are a lot of other options to explore. 

    From what I've seen you write about your relationship since the TTC>35 board, it's clear that you two love each other. I hope that as you two work through all of these changes--however they end up looking for you two--that you can both hold on to that first and foremost. I do hope he will be more considerate of your feelings and needs, but as that journey unfolds, I hope you can both find ways to show each other how much you love each other, even if it's just something really simple. 

    Hugs to you. And I hope that even if this new arrangement lasts longer than you want, that you can start getting some good sleep too...

    carrieandremsmama15BernieRae
  • I couldn't have said it better than @Sporty1216 did. I am so disappointed on your behalf that he is not willing to negotiate on this topic, but if that's the hard-and-fast answer then it may be worthwhile for your own sanity to just let it go. Do you think he has this type of attitude about other things that you've made it clear matter to you? Or would focusing on some really positive parts of your relationship be the most useful for you right now?
    Me: 40  DH: 43
    Married 5/30/15
    TTC #1 June 2015
    BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
    TTC #2 May 2017
    BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
    BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
  • Great advice @sporty1216. You know you're husband best and only you guys can decide what is best for you. I still feel like it's just you sacrificing, but if he made it clear about his stance on more kids from the beginning then you knew where he stood all along. It doesn't make it any easier tho. Always here when you need to vent:)
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • Thanks @Sporty1216. It's so easy to say "tell him what you need, tell him what's fair, make him be the way you want him to be." But the fact is, what works with one person's husband doesn't necessarily work with someone else's. Thanks for understanding that this isn't as simple as that.

    Regarding the nighttime childcare (or daytime), if we both wanted kids, I'd be in a much better position to demand that he help. Imagine if you didn't want kids, but gave in for your spouse and then they started making demands. What's fair in that situation?
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













    Sporty1216Wyattnash00BernieRae
  • I see his "giving in" on having kids as one of the biggest signs of how much he loves you.  He HAS to know how big a deal that is.  And I am convinced that he will be over the moon for your little girl when she gets here, but I also absolutely see your point that, from his perspective, he's already made a pretty huge sacrifice in consenting to have kids in the first place so that puts you in a difficult position when it comes to asking for more...

    We're definitely here for you if you need to vent as you guys work through this stuff. 

    Hang in there and I hope you can enjoy your 5 year (dating) anniversary this weekend.

    Also, on a silly note, maybe you can find your own perks to the situation--for me, that would be lots and lots and lots of eating in bed! 

  • Yes, he gave in on having kids and also getting married & having a real wedding vs. the courthouse. After dealing with a divorce, he would have been just fine living unmarried with me forever. I have also insisted that he be in the delivery room for the birth, which he is not thrilled about. Anyway, I got all the big stuff I requested, so I try to compromise on the rest.  And I do want him to be able to sleep. That's why this is so hard. I don't know the solution.

    It's Friday, so I get to spend the next two nights back in our bedroom where I belong. I thought it all through and went back to square one -- maybe I can figure out how to not get up during the night and roll over so much. Drink a lot earlier in the day and nothing close to bedtime. And just try to be comfortable where I'm at instead of moving a lot. It's not ideal, but sleeping without him is heartbreaking. If I can swing this for the weekend (fingers crossed) perhaps I can stay. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up. My bladder is not my friend these days.

    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













    Sporty1216
  • @carrieandroy I knew by the time I could respond that you'd have some nice support here. No easy solution that's for sure. Hopefully after a couple of weeks of trying his solution, he'll be open to talking about it again and hearing how it's affecting you. Get some sleep tonight!
    carrieandr
  • I had my first weekend night back in our bed. I stayed away from water before bed and managed not to get up during the night. And I was so sleep-deprived from my terrible nights in the guest room that I slept pretty soundly. When I woke up, DH was already downstairs. If I was asleep when he woke up, I don't think I was the cause! Fingers crossed that tomorrow night goes this well and he gives the next night a chance...
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













    bgf1Sporty1216BernieRae
  • That's great @CarrieandRoy! I have managed to "train" myself not to get up and pee. I don't drink water before bed and force myself to hold it otherwise. It was hard at first but I think it's really good to help build strong pelvic floor muscles anyway, not to mention improved sleep quality. I sleep through the night maybe 75% of the time. Good luck to you!
    Me: 40  DH: 43
    Married 5/30/15
    TTC #1 June 2015
    BFP #1 9/28/15, EDD 6/10/16. DS born 5/23/16!
    TTC #2 May 2017
    BFP #2 m/c 11/18/17 5w5d
    BFP #3 12/17/17 EDD 8/25/18. It's a boy!
    carrieandr
  • @CarrieandRoy -- I'm so glad you got sleep! And in your own bed! I hope this is the start of a nice weekend for you two!

    lillebowski23carrieandr
  • Hey ladies, I'm not much help in the co-sleeping. DH and I have seperate rooms and have since we moved in together. It is a mutual arraignment because I seriously can't stand sharing my bed and neither can he. Sometimes we sleep together on the weekends but once I was PG I sweat so much I couldn't take it. 

    @CarrieandRoy have you looked into Casper mattresses? They are memory foam, wicked comfy, and super affordable. Plus, they deliver right to your house AND if you don't like it, you get 100 days to try it out and they will pick it up and take it away if you don't like it. We paid ~800 for a queen-sized mattress, and I think the king sized are ~1000. When we do share a bed, i can't feel DH move. It's more his body heat that gets me... he's hot stuff!  Check out Casper and see if it might help you all out.

    Good luck!
    Sporty1216lickastickcarrieandr
  • The weekend went pretty well and we talked about it again on Saturday morning. We didn't come to a decision, but it helped to talk more. Since I didn't disturb him on Fri or Sat night, I stayed in our room last night, too. I'm just seeing how it goes for now. Fingers crossed.

    @lillebowski23 I'll look into Casper mattresses.

    @bgf1 thanks for the suggestions. And I think it makes things slightly different when the woman is on the fence about having the baby. It's harder to leave full responsibility up to the guy. You can't help but carry the pregnancy, and there are hormonal and neural changes that occur that help you bond with the baby, not to mention feeling it kick and having it inside you. Then there is the delivery, and probably at least some nursing, which also releases bonding hormones, as well as being something your DH can't do. If my DH had to do all that stuff, I'm sure he would feel like it was "our thing" instead of referring to it as "my thing" this weekend. (Referring to the pregnancy/baby. The thing I wanted to do.) There are a lot of guys who leave infant and toddler care to the mother. My father and DH's father did. I've never met a woman who had a baby and handed over full responsibility to her husband and never changed a diaper, etc.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I'm sorry that I'm late to respond and I don't have anything terribly new to add, but wanted to say that I know how you are feeling and I'm sorry for your struggle.  My DH snores SOOOO loudly.  If I fell asleep first, I was fine, but if I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't get back to sleep because of the noise.  Once my son was born, I started sleeping in the guest room because I'd get up for feedings and the snoring kept me from getting back to sleep.  There were nights that I never fell asleep!  

    Long story short, it really started to bother me and I felt like DH and I were not as close.  He was not open to having surgery, so we did all of the things the other ladies suggested.  We went shopping for a new mattress and he and I laid on every mattress in the store...we even had one of us practice rolling and getting up to see how it felt.  We were able to find a king sized mattress with very little movement and we did NOT pay $3700....I think it was $1000?  I also started wearing ear plugs.  Not something that I wanted to do, but it was worth it to not have to sleep apart.  We began using separate blankets so that no one was pulling on a blanket when rolling and waking the other person up.  And it all worked!  I have heard you say that your DH is not terribly flexible, but maybe he'd be willing to try out some different solutions and see what might work for you guys.  There's definitely no one right answer.  




    carrieandr
  • I'm glad the weekend went well, @CarrieandRoy ! Here's hoping things continue to go well. Did you guys get to do anything for your anniversary, or did you just keep it low key?

    carrieandr
  • @CarrieandRoy I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think everyone has given you great advice so far and I'm glad the weekend went well. And I totally second a tempurpedic or similar mattress. 

    carrieandr
  • I'm so sorry you're walking and sleeping on eggshells, @CarrieandRoy - that really sucks and you're being much more understanding than I could ever be... So, great job on keeping your cool and trying to talk it out. I agree with many of the suggestions here - especially a new mattress - maybe you guys can shop around. We bought a Sealy that's a "copy" of the Tempurpedic for much less and we love it. Are you using a pregnancy pillow? It seems to help me not move as much - the one I have is huge and surrounds me on both sides, so I'm in a little nest in the middle. I still flip from side to side, but not as often as before. 

    Hoping you guys can figure something out - and I hope that you were able to celebrate your anniversary! <3
  • @Sporty1216 he's not into anniversaries (or birthdays or holidays) so I just got us a special dessert. My mom actually took me to lunch and a movie. My dad is just like my DH, so my mom understands and wanted to give me a fun day.

    @infantino22 a friend of mine is due in a few days and said she'd give me her snoogle when she's done with it. Perhaps it will help.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I'm glad you got a special dessert and a lunch/movie date with your mom! That sounds really nice actually. :)

    also, this is random, but I saw a commercial for tempurpedics and it showed the adjustable ones, which are a split mattress in some cases. Now, I'm not saying you should get an adjustable bed, but a split king might work well! If you each are technically on your own mattress, motion transfer should be practically non-existent, right? But you'd still be in the same bed!  Anyway. Random thoughts of a pregnant lady watching tv. :)

    Goldsgirl9carrieandrInfantino22
  • @Sporty1216 has a great thought there -- they make split kings in many brands and they make adjustables and non adjustables. Maybe that's a solution to this! 

    Also, random side note to anyone considering an adjustable bed: we did a non-Tempurpedic mattress with an adjustable Tempurpedic base to save $ on the mattress part. The base is amazing and although I balked at the price at first, I'm so glad we did it. We didn't like the separation feeling of the split King, but I wish we had done that after all - there are nights where DH wants to incline and read but I'm tired and want to flatten and go to sleep... And coming up, there will be nights where I want to incline and nurse and he wants to stay blissfully unaware of all of that... Lol. 
    carrieandrSporty1216
  • @CarrieandRoy I just came across this thread and hope your week went well! I know exactly what you are going through.When I had my 1st baby we struggled with feeding and nursing and I was up nursing every 2 hours so I moved into the nursery. I didn't move back into the master bed until my LO was 13 months old. The lack of sleep I went through and the emotional trainwreck I was for that year for not getting night help from DH made me resentful but more than that I struggled most of that year with postpartum depression. Please please please know that if you are the only one dealing with sleep deprivation, you have a better chance of getting PPD and be willing to get help (if not physical, at least emotional for yourself). Every experience is different but I wish you the best!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thanks @earichar23. I'm a little nervous about PPD, but I'm hoping going to the gym will help (once I'm able). And my mom will be helping me during the day. I will really miss sleeping with DH, though. I really hope I don't have to do it as long as 13 months. I feel so disconnected from him when we don't share a bed. And if we have a baby, he'll probably want more alone time than usual, so I'll see him even less during waking hours. I'm definitely curious to see how all of this will go.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













  • I really appreciate all of your suggestions. Unfortunately, DH is not a flexible guy. To address all the things mentioned:
    • He already takes Melatonin
    • He takes so many different medications for his colitis, I'm reluctant to add sleeping pills to it.
    • I always turn the tv off after he falls asleep, so we're not actually sleeping with it on. (And there's no way he'd give it up.)
    • I'm reluctant to spend money on a mattress if he says he had a Tempurpedic and it didn't help. I'd probably be paying for a mattress I only get to use on weekends, at a time that I really can't afford it.
    • He is adamantly against couple's counseling. He did it with his ex-wife and said it sped up their divorce.
    • I've already told him this hurts me and I'm scared what it will do to our relationship. He said our relationship would suffer more if we were both losing sleep. (But it's fine for one of us, I guess? Meaning me?) I know he'd be a real jerk about it if I insisted on staying in the room. He would either be sleep-deprived and grumpy, compounded by anger at me for not agreeing to sleep apart, or he would move to the guest room and be angry at me because there isn't a tv in there and our master bedroom is much nicer.
    • He preferred that we didn't have kids, but agreed to do it for me. He made it clear that he would not be helping, but I really wanted this, so I have to deal with that. My dad didn't help my mom, either, by the way.
    • I don't think he is creating distance as a pre-emptive strike (although a friend did that to me when I moved to Florida). If anything, he is pre-emptively securing undisturbed nights because of the coming baby. Or perhaps the thought of me moving to the guest room with the baby made him think, "why wait when I could sleep better now?" That's more likely. He has always complained about me rolling over too much. Long before the pregnancy.

    The bottom line is he's happy with this arrangement, so getting him to do something about it is that much harder.

    P.S. Our 5 year anniversary is on Saturday. (Dating, not marriage.)  Sad timing.

    It SOUNDS to me like he's almost trying to punish you for having a baby. He's agreed to have a baby for you?!?! IT'S TOO BIG OF A DEAL TO DO IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. If he's "allowing" it for you, then he needs to also HELP for you. If he's already decided he's not lifting a finger then this is way more serious than sleeping in separate rooms.
    BabyFetus Ticker

  • There are a lot of guys who leave infant and toddler care to the mother. My father and DH's father did. I've never met a woman who had a baby and handed over full responsibility to her husband and never changed a diaper, etc.
    This sends up red flags for me. A lot of guys don't help with infant and toddler care. That doesn't make it okay. Why should your job be 24/7 while his is 40/week? Now my mom and myself did/do most of the infant/toddler care but a dad that doesn't TAKE JOY in helping out is worrisome. 
    BabyFetus Ticker

  • @boonhilde 1. I prefer this situation to him refusing to have kids. 2. Until I actually have the baby, there's no telling what he will take joy in. He hasn't met her yet.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)













    lillebowski23
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards