I don't think you're shallow @jessiedee13- I can relate. I might never have met my husband if it weren't for his name but in my case it's because I love his name. I was signing up for a class and chose him over other teachers because his name was Gavin which has always been my favorite name!
That's an adorable story! My husband thinks it's funny now that I wouldnt date him at durst because of his name lol he thought it was because we worked together lol
I don't know that this will be an UO but whatever. Now that we know we are having a girl, I'm even more irritated by the people who keep telling me we need more "girlie" stuff for her. I dislike pink, strongly. I pinked myself out when I was a kid and I don't even know why, I don't know that I liked pink it just was always what people assumed I should have. Also why do things even have to be divided into "girlie" and not. Ugh.
(This is probably just an UO among my family and friends) Also I hate that people assume that because I danced I want my daughter to dance. Actually the opposite it true. If she wants to dance, fine, but I will not pressure her into it and I won't let my family do that either. My Hubby wants her to do martial arts, and honestly, I'd prefer that. Drama will be everywhere, but I stopped dancing because of the stupid shit people were doing to each other.
And here I am saying BRING ON THE PINK. And bows. And ruffles. And sparkle. But hey, to each his (or her!) own!
Maybe it's just that I don't "crave" kid-free friend time like I do kid-free DH time or alone time. It's just not that important to me. I'm not super social. If it happens, it happens, but it's not something I seek. I'm perfectly content with texting and visiting while the kids play. All my friends around here really crave kid-free friend time and are super social so it is pretty UO in my group.
This is me. For the longest time though, I was the only one of my friends with kids...so the baby tagging along just made it awkward. Then, when my 2nd was about 6 months old my one friend got pregnant and it became "hey can you bring your kids?" Haha sure, I'll bring the baby Cuz my oldest hates everyone and will spend the time saying "go back home. Wes just go home now." Lol I prefer to take at least one of my kids with me at all times to things, but I do like the occasional kid free movie night with my best friend...about once or twice a month we'll do dinner and a movie...and it's a great breather. I never notice I need it until I get it and I'm so refreshed and a much more calm person the next day! So maybe it's not quite me, since I guess I actually do like my kid free time, but I'm perfectly fine not getting it as well lol
I don't know that this will be an UO but whatever. Now that we know we are having a girl, I'm even more irritated by the people who keep telling me we need more "girlie" stuff for her. I dislike pink, strongly. I pinked myself out when I was a kid and I don't even know why, I don't know that I liked pink it just was always what people assumed I should have. Also why do things even have to be divided into "girlie" and not. Ugh.
(This is probably just an UO among my family and friends) Also I hate that people assume that because I danced I want my daughter to dance. Actually the opposite it true. If she wants to dance, fine, but I will not pressure her into it and I won't let my family do that either. My Hubby wants her to do martial arts, and honestly, I'd prefer that. Drama will be everywhere, but I stopped dancing because of the stupid shit people were doing to each other.
And here I am saying BRING ON THE PINK. And bows. And ruffles. And sparkle. But hey, to each his (or her!) own!
Me too @yogahh! Seems like wanting to have a girlie girl is a UO on TB but I'm obsessed. Resisting the urge to post more pics of babies in ginormous bow headbands..
@LadySamLady like this? Bahaha this is my son while the girls were over to play lol oh not only allowing this to happen but taking a photo of it I'm sure is an UO, but I don't care...it's cute! Lol
Edit to add I thought it was a bow...turns out it's a flower lol
I gotta get my girlies in while they'll let me lol I have one of my 2 year old with a black one on too lol he posed for me and everything lol both photos are on my fridge lol
This probably isn't an UO but right now our state is having a widespread internet outage. I'm using my phone to type this. I wish TWC would compensate for it on the bills. I work from home for a local company and I'm losing hourly pay. DH and I share phone data and it is not enough data to warrant trying to tether my phone.
Maybe it's just that I don't "crave" kid-free friend time like I do kid-free DH time or alone time. It's just not that important to me. I'm not super social. If it happens, it happens, but it's not something I seek. I'm perfectly content with texting and visiting while the kids play. All my friends around here really crave kid-free friend time and are super social so it is pretty UO in my group.
This is me. For the longest time though, I was the only one of my friends with kids...so the baby tagging along just made it awkward. Then, when my 2nd was about 6 months old my one friend got pregnant and it became "hey can you bring your kids?" Haha sure, I'll bring the baby Cuz my oldest hates everyone and will spend the time saying "go back home. Wes just go home now." Lol I prefer to take at least one of my kids with me at all times to things, but I do like the occasional kid free movie night with my best friend...about once or twice a month we'll do dinner and a movie...and it's a great breather. I never notice I need it until I get it and I'm so refreshed and a much more calm person the next day! So maybe it's not quite me, since I guess I actually do like my kid free time, but I'm perfectly fine not getting it as well lol
Hahaha...see, I almost never feel refreshed and more calm the next day. It actually really wears me out and I'm an awful person to deal with the next day. It's not that I don't enjoy time with a friend or two but it isn't always worth the next day for me. Refreshed and calm for me is time alone without having to do a ton of chores/errands.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I don't know that this will be an UO but whatever. Now that we know we are having a girl, I'm even more irritated by the people who keep telling me we need more "girlie" stuff for her. I dislike pink, strongly. I pinked myself out when I was a kid and I don't even know why, I don't know that I liked pink it just was always what people assumed I should have. Also why do things even have to be divided into "girlie" and not. Ugh.
(This is probably just an UO among my family and friends) Also I hate that people assume that because I danced I want my daughter to dance. Actually the opposite it true. If she wants to dance, fine, but I will not pressure her into it and I won't let my family do that either. My Hubby wants her to do martial arts, and honestly, I'd prefer that. Drama will be everywhere, but I stopped dancing because of the stupid shit people were doing to each other.
And here I am saying BRING ON THE PINK. And bows. And ruffles. And sparkle. But hey, to each his (or her!) own!
Me too @yogahh! Seems like wanting to have a girlie girl is a UO on TB but I'm obsessed. Resisting the urge to post more pics of babies in ginormous bow headbands..
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
@dshannah how does it honor a family member just by legally naming a child a certain name when you don't plan to use it otherwise?
Because it's a legal name. It's there on all documentation, everyone knows it's the real first name, and if baby wants later to be referred to by that name, they can be. It'll be on his tombstone, in 120 years or so. It's the same as any other inheritance that you don't whip out and display all the time.
But sometimes you don't avoid the first name because you don't like the first name, but because it would be impractical to use it in a home environment: Every first son in my husband's family has the same first name, middle initial, and last name. So one generation goes by the first name, and the next (to keep confusion down) goes by the middle name. So when one person gets yelled at, the other doesn't come running...
And, if you're Jewish, when you name someone after someone else, you are blessing the new person with the old person's attributes (which is why you cannot name a baby after a living relative). So my cousin, Muffintop Dolby Tablespoon (not his real name) is named after my grandfather Muffin, but has always been called Dolby (Muffintop isn't really a very pretty or common name). But the idea is that he has some of Muffin's essence in him.
@dshannah how does it honor a family member just by legally naming a child a certain name when you don't plan to use it otherwise?
Because it's a legal name. It's there on all documentation, everyone knows it's the real first name, and if baby wants later to be referred to by that name, they can be. It'll be on his tombstone, in 120 years or so. It's the same as any other inheritance that you don't whip out and display all the time.
But sometimes you don't avoid the first name because you don't like the first name, but because it would be impractical to use it in a home environment: Every first son in my husband's family has the same first name, middle initial, and last name. So one generation goes by the first name, and the next (to keep confusion down) goes by the middle name. So when one person gets yelled at, the other doesn't come running...
And, if you're Jewish, when you name someone after someone else, you are blessing the new person with the old person's attributes (which is why you cannot name a baby after a living relative). So my cousin, Muffintop Dolby Tablespoon (not his real name) is named after my grandfather Muffin, but has always been called Dolby (Muffintop isn't really a very pretty or common name). But the idea is that he has some of Muffin's essence in him. ---qbf----- So wait....so the years you don't go by the middle name you have like 5 Jacobs all at the table (just using the name as example). How confusing! I mean hey, happy you're happy but that would drive me insane to feel like I don't have control over my own child's name. Including which to call them based on generation.
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
That part is annoying. We stayed semi-clear of really girly stuff when my DD was a baby. I'm not really a girly girl so while I still had more control over what she wore, we stayed away from the frilly stuff. (I say "more" control because I will continue to control but more along the lines of making sure it is still modest and seasonally appropriate, not in things like style.)
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I don't know that this will be an UO but whatever. Now that we know we are having a girl, I'm even more irritated by the people who keep telling me we need more "girlie" stuff for her. I dislike pink, strongly. I pinked myself out when I was a kid and I don't even know why, I don't know that I liked pink it just was always what people assumed I should have. Also why do things even have to be divided into "girlie" and not. Ugh.
(This is probably just an UO among my family and friends) Also I hate that people assume that because I danced I want my daughter to dance. Actually the opposite it true. If she wants to dance, fine, but I will not pressure her into it and I won't let my family do that either. My Hubby wants her to do martial arts, and honestly, I'd prefer that. Drama will be everywhere, but I stopped dancing because of the stupid shit people were doing to each other.
And here I am saying BRING ON THE PINK. And bows. And ruffles. And sparkle. But hey, to each his (or her!) own!
Me too @yogahh! Seems like wanting to have a girlie girl is a UO on TB but I'm obsessed. Resisting the urge to post more pics of babies in ginormous bow headbands..
@dshannah how does it honor a family member just by legally naming a child a certain name when you don't plan to use it otherwise?
Because it's a legal name. It's there on all documentation, everyone knows it's the real first name, and if baby wants later to be referred to by that name, they can be. It'll be on his tombstone, in 120 years or so. It's the same as any other inheritance that you don't whip out and display all the time.
But sometimes you don't avoid the first name because you don't like the first name, but because it would be impractical to use it in a home environment: Every first son in my husband's family has the same first name, middle initial, and last name. So one generation goes by the first name, and the next (to keep confusion down) goes by the middle name. So when one person gets yelled at, the other doesn't come running...
And, if you're Jewish, when you name someone after someone else, you are blessing the new person with the old person's attributes (which is why you cannot name a baby after a living relative). So my cousin, Muffintop Dolby Tablespoon (not his real name) is named after my grandfather Muffin, but has always been called Dolby (Muffintop isn't really a very pretty or common name). But the idea is that he has some of Muffin's essence in him.
120 years?!? Do you know something I don't about life expectancy?
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
That part is annoying. We stayed semi-clear of really girly stuff when my DD was a baby. I'm not really a girly girl so while I still had more control over what she wore, we stayed away from the frilly stuff. (I say "more" control because I will continue to control but more along the lines of making sure it is still modest and seasonally appropriate, not in things like style.)
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
-----QBF again---- This seems like a good balance. I've been getting flack for wanting the headbands and bows and pink and people saying "but what if your girls don't like that stuff?!" Obviously once they grow to say "no thanks" I will not force them to wear it. I won't force dance or other "girly" stereotype things. But I love the big bows on babies, and don't see an issue with them wearing them. I'm sure they will have a healthy balance of sports, pink, etc but I don't see the harm in giving them some of my style before they say otherwise.
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
That part is annoying. We stayed semi-clear of really girly stuff when my DD was a baby. I'm not really a girly girl so while I still had more control over what she wore, we stayed away from the frilly stuff. (I say "more" control because I will continue to control but more along the lines of making sure it is still modest and seasonally appropriate, not in things like style.)
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
Idk if this is an everywhere thing or not, but the fact that the boys can't do girl things but the girls can do boy things drives me insane! For the record, I have no issue with either. But here's my example and it makes me crazy... DS1 has longer curly hair. I refuse to cut it for 2 reasons. 1) it's freaking adorable and I'm not cutting it and 2) he likes it long and like to be able to "play" with it. This is a problem because "only girls have long hair, you're torturing that poor boy". OK whatever. OR I painted my nails for my grandpa's funeral. This is something I never do anymore. He was watching me and wanted his nails painted. I painted them. Oh my lordy you'd think I'd beat the crap out of him with the way people acted! Someone actually said to me "wow if want a girl that bad just adopt one"...what? He wanted them painted, I painted them. What's the problem?
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
That part is annoying. We stayed semi-clear of really girly stuff when my DD was a baby. I'm not really a girly girl so while I still had more control over what she wore, we stayed away from the frilly stuff. (I say "more" control because I will continue to control but more along the lines of making sure it is still modest and seasonally appropriate, not in things like style.)
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
---qbf---
Idk if this is an everywhere thing or not, but the fact that the boys can't do girl things but the girls can do boy things drives me insane! For the record, I have no issue with either. But here's my example and it makes me crazy... DS1 has longer curly hair. I refuse to cut it for 2 reasons. 1) it's freaking adorable and I'm not cutting it and 2) he likes it long and like to be able to "play" with it. This is a problem because "only girls have long hair, you're torturing that poor boy". OK whatever. OR I painted my nails for my grandpa's funeral. This is something I never do anymore. He was watching me and wanted his nails painted. I painted them. Oh my lordy you'd think I'd beat the crap out of him with the way people acted! Someone actually said to me "wow if want a girl that bad just adopt one"...what? He wanted them painted, I painted them. What's the problem?
I guess I just don't understand this. If my friends wanted to do something that's not kid-friendly, then I'd have my mom watch DS and leave him at home, but otherwise, my friends are fine with the idea that he'll come and that they'll bring their kids, or dogs, or whatever along too. I'm not going to put my personality into boxes. Now that I'm a mom, I'm always a mom; once I became a wife, I'm always a wife. It's just an integral part of who I am.
Well, as you may have guessed from some of my posts, I curse like a fucking sailor when I'm at ease and with friends (or when I'm on the internet). I don't do it when I'm teaching, I don't do it when I'm with family, I don't do it in professional meetings, and I sure as shit won't do it around baby.
I also talk about politics with friends, I talk about family problems (mine and theirs) with friends, I talk about job issues, dark TV shows, and social justice activism with friends--all of this I do not want my child overhearing.
Of course, my everything will be changed by being a mother and all my roles will be inflected by my motherhood, but humans are never only one thing. We have roles to fulfill, and when we are in those roles, our other roles take on a secondary character.
I am a wife, but I am also a daughter and soon to be a mom. Those roles will definitely conflict, and I will have to prioritize. And I'm sure the same goes for you, too. Sometimes (hopefully most times) we can come to good compromises, but other times we cannot. When my mother was taking care of her ailing father, I wanted nothing more than to go to her and help her take care of him so that she wasn't shouldering the burden alone. But I was working a contract gig away from home and only had limited time to see my husband (mom, job, and husband all in different states, eight hours apart), so I had to choose. I chose my husband, because my wife role superceded my daughter role, but I still feel bad that I couldn't be there for my mom.
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
Maybe not an UO on here (though it definitely is within my traditional Southern family), but on the topic of "girly" girl style, I don't agree with conditioning children to be feminine/masculine. This LO is a boy, and I won't be dressing him in head to toe blue every day. If he wants to wear pink or play with dolls instead of wearing blue and playing with toy cars, that will be fine. But if he wants to build tree forts and play in the mud, that's fine, too. It really irritates me when parents, grandparents, etc. start forcing gender stereotypes on children and expecting them to act or dress a certain way just because of their sex. Growing up, I didn't have much of a relationship with either my grandmothers because I was such a "tomboy." They wanted to teach me to sew and cook, and the only "cooking" I was interested in was making mudpies. On the other hand, my sister was very "girly," and she had a very close relationship with each of them. (Of course, looking back, now I wish I knew how to hem my own pants and make a decent pie!)
That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting a frilly pink bow on your little girl or buying your little boy a package of Hot Wheels to play with as long as you support them doing or wearing what they personally like when they are old enough to have an opinion. I just wish more parents would take a step back and make an effort not to force their own biases and social expectations on their children at such an early age.
Well, as you may have guessed from some of my posts, I curse like a fucking sailor when I'm at ease and with friends (or when I'm on the internet). I don't do it when I'm teaching, I don't do it when I'm with family, I don't do it in professional meetings, and I sure as shit won't do it around baby.
I also talk about politics with friends, I talk about family problems (mine and theirs) with friends, I talk about job issues, dark TV shows, and social justice activism with friends--all of this I do not want my child overhearing.
Apparently, we talk about boring things then because this really hasn't been an issue. lol. With family problems and such, the kids were either: 1) too young to understand or 2) are playing in the other room now that they are older and can't hear.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
I hate to spark an abortion debate... but... as someone that had one and regrets it, I have to say I am "vehemently" disturbed by this comment. To say that if someone "cannot stand being pregnant" is a valid reason to have an abortion is incredibly selfish. Sure, pregnancy is not peaches and sunshine for everyone, but its NINE MONTHS. Is it really fair to say its ok to abort your unborn child because you cannot handle some aches and pains for less than a year of your life?
My choice to go ahead with this decision was something I did 16 years ago, when I didn't think with my head and instead went with a gut reaction. Maybe that clouds my judgement, and has made me even more pro-life. Of course every case is different, and for some people it might be the only option due to illness or poverty. But because someone just doesn't like being pregnant? That's disturbing to me.
Maybe not an UO on here (though it definitely is within my traditional Southern family), but on the topic of "girly" girl style, I don't agree with conditioning children to be feminine/masculine. This LO is a boy, and I won't be dressing him in head to toe blue every day. If he wants to wear pink or play with dolls instead of wearing blue and playing with toy cars, that will be fine. But if he wants to build tree forts and play in the mud, that's fine, too. It really irritates me when parents, grandparents, etc. start forcing gender stereotypes on children and expecting them to act or dress a certain way just because of their sex. Growing up, I didn't have much of a relationship with either my grandmothers because I was such a "tomboy." They wanted to teach me to sew and cook, and the only "cooking" I was interested in was making mudpies. On the other hand, my sister was very "girly," and she had a very close relationship with each of them. (Of course, looking back, now I wish I knew how to hem my own pants and make a decent pie!)
That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting a frilly pink bow on your little girl or buying your little boy a package of Hot Wheels to play with as long as you support them doing or wearing what they personally like when they are old enough to have an opinion. I just wish more parents would take a step back and make an effort not to force their own biases and social expectations on their children at such an early age.
Sanity. I wish I personally knew more people like you!
Confession: I hate DH's name (Dennis). He hates it too though and has gone by Denny from birth. His middle name is his dad's first name and his dad didn't want us to pass it down. I hate his name too.
My UO is that I cannot stand those gigantic bows/ monstrosities that people put on their baby girls. I have a girl and have done the oversized bow or flower. But I'm talking about this flower/bow/feather/fabric things that are the size of the kids head. Looks like a mess up there. I just don't get it. Not my style.
I REALLY don't like john johns/shortalls/jumpers on boys past the page of like...9 months. I see it all the time around here on three year olds and I just think it looks terrible.
Dshannah and yogah, I think being pregnant probably cements most women's prior convictions about abortion. If you are pro-choice, you imagine the desperate straits women might be in during this experience which is terrifying under the best of circumstances and you empathize . If you are pro-life, you think about the connection you've formed with your baby already at 20 odd weeks and unborn babies seem that much real and alive to you. Just my thought/
My UO is I really intensely dislike it when my friends deflate their age as we approach our late thirties. Most do it jokingly but still it bugs me. Because there is a still a sense that women have a freshness date, that we become undesirable after a certain age. F*** that.
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
I hate to spark an abortion debate... but... as someone that had one and regrets it, I have to say I am "vehemently" disturbed by this comment. To say that if someone "cannot stand being pregnant" is a valid reason to have an abortion is incredibly selfish. Sure, pregnancy is not peaches and sunshine for everyone, but its NINE MONTHS. Is it really fair to say its ok to abort your unborn child because you cannot handle some aches and pains for less than a year of your life?
My choice to go ahead with this decision was something I did 16 years ago, when I didn't think with my head and instead went with a gut reaction. Maybe that clouds my judgement, and has made me even more pro-life. Of course every case is different, and for some people it might be the only option due to illness or poverty. But because someone just doesn't like being pregnant? That's disturbing to me.
I don't think we necessarily disagree: I think our understandings of "cannot stand being pregnant" are different:) I did not want to be too descriptive, for reasons. I'm not just talking about minor symptoms, the aches and pains: I am talking about compounding trauma, about not being in control of your body, about resenting the life inside you rather than liking the little reminders of it you get when baby kicks.
But if every time you feel a kick you are reminded of the hopelessness of your situation, of the violence (economic, psychological, physical) that led to it, if every ache and pain is a reminder of psychological and physical trauma, of shame and regret and sorrow and helplessness--forcing someone to go through with that is just unfathomable to me.
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
I hate to spark an abortion debate... but... as someone that had one and regrets it, I have to say I am "vehemently" disturbed by this comment. To say that if someone "cannot stand being pregnant" is a valid reason to have an abortion is incredibly selfish. Sure, pregnancy is not peaches and sunshine for everyone, but its NINE MONTHS. Is it really fair to say its ok to abort your unborn child because you cannot handle some aches and pains for less than a year of your life?
My choice to go ahead with this decision was something I did 16 years ago, when I didn't think with my head and instead went with a gut reaction. Maybe that clouds my judgement, and has made me even more pro-life. Of course every case is different, and for some people it might be the only option due to illness or poverty. But because someone just doesn't like being pregnant? That's disturbing to me.
I don't think we necessarily disagree: I think our understandings of "cannot stand being pregnant" are different:) I did not want to be too descriptive, for reasons. I'm not just talking about minor symptoms, the aches and pains: I am talking about compounding trauma, about not being in control of your body, about resenting the life inside you rather than liking the little reminders of it you get when baby kicks.
But if every time you feel a kick you are reminded of the hopelessness of your situation, of the violence (economic, psychological, physical) that led to it, if every ache and pain is a reminder of psychological and physical trauma, of shame and regret and sorrow and helplessness--forcing someone to go through with that is just unfathomable to me.
I think this is much different than how you previously worded it. By simply saying if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, it came across as vain and shallow. Thanks for clarifying. Of course, in instances of rape or incest, the circumstances are much different.
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
YESSSS - I was just saying this over the holidays to my Mom! This whole experience has made me even more militantly pro-choice, and my SO too.
Dshannah and yogah, I think being pregnant probably cements most women's prior convictions about abortion. If you are pro-choice, you imagine the desperate straits women might be in during this experience which is terrifying under the best of circumstances and you empathize . If you are pro-life, you think about the connection you've formed with your baby already at 20 odd weeks and unborn babies seem that much real and alive to you. Just my thought
I think that is probably true. I was pro-life before my first pregnancy but being pregnant made me feel even stonger about my stance. However, it also made me feel stronger about affordable birth control too. lol
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
Dshannah and yogah, I think being pregnant probably cements most women's prior convictions about abortion. If you are pro-choice, you imagine the desperate straits women might be in during this experience which is terrifying under the best of circumstances and you empathize . If you are pro-life, you think about the connection you've formed with your baby already at 20 odd weeks and unborn babies seem that much real and alive to you. Just my thought
I think that is probably true. I was pro-life before my first pregnancy but being pregnant made me feel even stonger about my stance. However, it also made me feel stronger about affordable birth control too. lol
That makes a heck of a lot of sense. I totally understand people's moral objections to abortion but then I always think, well why not support ready access to birth control then?
To everyone talking about abortion stuff, I just want to say
1: Props to everyone being so respectful of everyone else, I've rarely heard any kind of discussion about this come up and not have it get super nasty, really fast, and: 2: I interned for Planned Parenthood for a while a long time ago, and the most resonant thing I ever heard in favor of being pro-choice was, "It's not about what a woman SHOULD do in case of a pregnancy, it's whether or not our society believes that women are intelligent enough to make decisions about their own bodies." I know you can make a case about them not being allowed to make choices for their unborn fetuses, but I still love this idea.
Dshannah and yogah, I think being pregnant probably cements most women's prior convictions about abortion. If you are pro-choice, you imagine the desperate straits women might be in during this experience which is terrifying under the best of circumstances and you empathize . If you are pro-life, you think about the connection you've formed with your baby already at 20 odd weeks and unborn babies seem that much real and alive to you. Just my thought
I think that is probably true. I was pro-life before my first pregnancy but being pregnant made me feel even stonger about my stance. However, it also made me feel stronger about affordable birth control too. lol
In addition to affordable birth control, something has to be done about the lack of resources for low-income pregnant women. I've been going through it, and it SUCKS. I've been rejected for Medicaid for no real reason (after I went to the office in person, was told I qualify, and that I had submitted everything I needed to) and have to keep applying, it's difficult to find somewhere that even takes it, and even more difficult to find someone who will see you before you've been approved. I found one place that will, and I'm in a major metropolitan area. I had gotten a free ultrasound done at a pro-life facility at ten weeks, and they told me they see many immigrant women who can't get healthcare or afford prenatal care, so they come in for the free ultrasound to make sure everything is OK. That's all the get for prenatal care, and God knows what they do when they give birth. It's heartbreaking.
Thank God I'm *finally* able to get put on my SO's insurance here in the next week, but I still have a crap-ton of medical bills I can't afford, and no idea if I'll get approved to have Medicaid cover them. It just blows my mind how many people I meet claim to be pro-life, but really don't give a damn about those babies' health. They just spout some bullshit along the lines of "well you should have thought of that before you got pregnant, no one forced you to have sex you filthy whore". Makes me think it's really not about saving babies' lives, but more about some perverted sense of justice where women have to pay consequences way out of proportion to the 'crime' committed.
Anyway, I'll climb off my soapbox now I know women's healthcare isn't an UO here, but in the rest of the world it is.
@TheThornBird I also had issues getting medicaid when I was pregnant with my first. I didn't get health insurance through my work and my husband and I weren't married yet so I couldn't be added to his. There are so many hoops to jump through to get health care with no insurance! I was lucky and my dr of choice deals with alot of medicaid patients and he was very patient with the process. However the bills were impossible until I finally got approved for medicaid! Crazy talk I tell you! I hope it all works out for you, I know how stressful it can be!
In addition to affordable birth control, something has to be done about the lack of resources for low-income pregnant women. I've been going through it, and it SUCKS. I've been rejected for Medicaid for no real reason (after I went to the office in person, was told I qualify, and that I had submitted everything I needed to) and have to keep applying, it's difficult to find somewhere that even takes it, and even more difficult to find someone who will see you before you've been approved. I found one place that will, and I'm in a major metropolitan area. I had gotten a free ultrasound done at a pro-life facility at ten weeks, and they told me they see many immigrant women who can't get healthcare or afford prenatal care, so they come in for the free ultrasound to make sure everything is OK. That's all the get for prenatal care, and God knows what they do when they give birth. It's heartbreaking.
In my state, for true low income women, there are a ton of resources and they are fairly easy to get. It's the lower middle class that struggle. Not enough money to pay the bills but too much money to qualify for anything. I finally got notice that I qualify for Medicare but just barely. Not a route I like taking but it's the only way I can keep food on the table and the lights on.
And ACA to help with that? Ha! Not even kinda. Not for my income bracket. Somehow lower middle class is just a black hole. (And that's as far as I'm going into that semi-political conversation.)
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
@yogahh LadySamLady I say go for it! If that's what you love do it. I have no problem with other people going pink (which I might not have expressed well). I get annoyed by the people who are all like "You are having a girl so things HAVE to be pink"
That part is annoying. We stayed semi-clear of really girly stuff when my DD was a baby. I'm not really a girly girl so while I still had more control over what she wore, we stayed away from the frilly stuff. (I say "more" control because I will continue to control but more along the lines of making sure it is still modest and seasonally appropriate, not in things like style.)
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
---qbf---
Idk if this is an everywhere thing or not, but the fact that the boys can't do girl things but the girls can do boy things drives me insane! For the record, I have no issue with either. But here's my example and it makes me crazy...
DS1 has longer curly hair. I refuse to cut it for 2 reasons. 1) it's freaking adorable and I'm not cutting it and 2) he likes it long and like to be able to "play" with it. This is a problem because "only girls have long hair, you're torturing that poor boy". OK whatever.
OR I painted my nails for my grandpa's funeral. This is something I never do anymore. He was watching me and wanted his nails painted. I painted them. Oh my lordy you'd think I'd beat the crap out of him with the way people acted! Someone actually said to me "wow if want a girl that bad just adopt one"...what? He wanted them painted, I painted them. What's the problem?
I agree with you! My friend's son used to steal her heels, shove his feet in the toes, grab her purse and waddle around the house. We posted pictures because we thought it was cute and people freaked out.!
All I want to say on the abortion semi-debate is that I had one, I'm glad I had one, I have no regrets that I had one, and I wouldn't be pregnant now with a baby that I actually planned and want if I hadn't had that option previously.
I feel like often there is this unspoken expectation that if you've had an abortion then you either don't talk about it or you talk about it in tones of great regret. I have no regrets. I'm deeply grateful that the option was available to me and, if I were in those circumstances again, I would make the same decision in a heartbeat.
Re: UO Thursday 1/7
Edit to add I thought it was a bow...turns out it's a flower lol
First Pregnancy
Second Pregnancy
- BFP: 09/11/2015
- EDD: 05/25/2016
Baby Born04/15/2016
PGAL
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
But sometimes you don't avoid the first name because you don't like the first name, but because it would be impractical to use it in a home environment: Every first son in my husband's family has the same first name, middle initial, and last name. So one generation goes by the first name, and the next (to keep confusion down) goes by the middle name. So when one person gets yelled at, the other doesn't come running...
And, if you're Jewish, when you name someone after someone else, you are blessing the new person with the old person's attributes (which is why you cannot name a baby after a living relative). So my cousin, Muffintop Dolby Tablespoon (not his real name) is named after my grandfather Muffin, but has always been called Dolby (Muffintop isn't really a very pretty or common name). But the idea is that he has some of Muffin's essence in him.
But sometimes you don't avoid the first name because you don't like the first name, but because it would be impractical to use it in a home environment: Every first son in my husband's family has the same first name, middle initial, and last name. So one generation goes by the first name, and the next (to keep confusion down) goes by the middle name. So when one person gets yelled at, the other doesn't come running...
And, if you're Jewish, when you name someone after someone else, you are blessing the new person with the old person's attributes (which is why you cannot name a baby after a living relative). So my cousin, Muffintop Dolby Tablespoon (not his real name) is named after my grandfather Muffin, but has always been called Dolby (Muffintop isn't really a very pretty or common name). But the idea is that he has some of Muffin's essence in him.
---qbf-----
So wait....so the years you don't go by the middle name you have like 5 Jacobs all at the table (just using the name as example). How confusing! I mean hey, happy you're happy but that would drive me insane to feel like I don't have control over my own child's name. Including which to call them based on generation.
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
-----QBF again----
This seems like a good balance. I've been getting flack for wanting the headbands and bows and pink and people saying "but what if your girls don't like that stuff?!" Obviously once they grow to say "no thanks" I will not force them to wear it. I won't force dance or other "girly" stereotype things. But I love the big bows on babies, and don't see an issue with them wearing them. I'm sure they will have a healthy balance of sports, pink, etc but I don't see the harm in giving them some of my style before they say otherwise.
My DD wants to grow up and do lumberjack sports like Daddy (lumberjills are also becoming more common) but she also really like princess things and wants to take dance at some point. She loves her frilly tutus as much as she loves her train sets, dump truck, and helping stack firewood. Doing things hair, nails, and make-up is fairly impractical with our lifestyle but she still has a girly girl outlet. I'm interested to see what this next girl is interested in.
Idk if this is an everywhere thing or not, but the fact that the boys can't do girl things but the girls can do boy things drives me insane! For the record, I have no issue with either. But here's my example and it makes me crazy...
DS1 has longer curly hair. I refuse to cut it for 2 reasons. 1) it's freaking adorable and I'm not cutting it and 2) he likes it long and like to be able to "play" with it. This is a problem because "only girls have long hair, you're torturing that poor boy". OK whatever.
OR I painted my nails for my grandpa's funeral. This is something I never do anymore. He was watching me and wanted his nails painted. I painted them. Oh my lordy you'd think I'd beat the crap out of him with the way people acted! Someone actually said to me "wow if want a girl that bad just adopt one"...what? He wanted them painted, I painted them. What's the problem?
Idk if this is an everywhere thing or not, but the fact that the boys can't do girl things but the girls can do boy things drives me insane! For the record, I have no issue with either. But here's my example and it makes me crazy...
DS1 has longer curly hair. I refuse to cut it for 2 reasons. 1) it's freaking adorable and I'm not cutting it and 2) he likes it long and like to be able to "play" with it. This is a problem because "only girls have long hair, you're torturing that poor boy". OK whatever.
OR I painted my nails for my grandpa's funeral. This is something I never do anymore. He was watching me and wanted his nails painted. I painted them. Oh my lordy you'd think I'd beat the crap out of him with the way people acted! Someone actually said to me "wow if want a girl that bad just adopt one"...what? He wanted them painted, I painted them. What's the problem?
I also talk about politics with friends, I talk about family problems (mine and theirs) with friends, I talk about job issues, dark TV shows, and social justice activism with friends--all of this I do not want my child overhearing.
Of course, my everything will be changed by being a mother and all my roles will be inflected by my motherhood, but humans are never only one thing. We have roles to fulfill, and when we are in those roles, our other roles take on a secondary character.
I am a wife, but I am also a daughter and soon to be a mom. Those roles will definitely conflict, and I will have to prioritize. And I'm sure the same goes for you, too. Sometimes (hopefully most times) we can come to good compromises, but other times we cannot. When my mother was taking care of her ailing father, I wanted nothing more than to go to her and help her take care of him so that she wasn't shouldering the burden alone. But I was working a contract gig away from home and only had limited time to see my husband (mom, job, and husband all in different states, eight hours apart), so I had to choose. I chose my husband, because my wife role superceded my daughter role, but I still feel bad that I couldn't be there for my mom.
Being pregnant has made me much more stridently and vehemently pro-Choice.
I cannot imagine forcing anyone to go through this pregnancy thing unwillingly. How fucking dare we? I mean, I'm all for adoption, but if someone really cannot stand being pregnant, how can we force her to carry a child to term? How much trauma are we inflicting? And how are we ok with that?
When I have disposable income, it's going to go to NARAL.
That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting a frilly pink bow on your little girl or buying your little boy a package of Hot Wheels to play with as long as you support them doing or wearing what they personally like when they are old enough to have an opinion. I just wish more parents would take a step back and make an effort not to force their own biases and social expectations on their children at such an early age.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
My choice to go ahead with this decision was something I did 16 years ago, when I didn't think with my head and instead went with a gut reaction. Maybe that clouds my judgement, and has made me even more pro-life. Of course every case is different, and for some people it might be the only option due to illness or poverty. But because someone just doesn't like being pregnant? That's disturbing to me.
My UO is that I cannot stand those gigantic bows/ monstrosities that people put on their baby girls. I have a girl and have done the oversized bow or flower. But I'm talking about this flower/bow/feather/fabric things that are the size of the kids head. Looks like a mess up there. I just don't get it. Not my style.
My UO is I really intensely dislike it when my friends deflate their age as we approach our late thirties. Most do it jokingly but still it bugs me. Because there is a still a sense that women have a freshness date, that we become undesirable after a certain age. F*** that.
As evidence of my point, I submit this video with the incomparable Julia Louis Dreyfus:
But if every time you feel a kick you are reminded of the hopelessness of your situation, of the violence (economic, psychological, physical) that led to it, if every ache and pain is a reminder of psychological and physical trauma, of shame and regret and sorrow and helplessness--forcing someone to go through with that is just unfathomable to me.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
1: Props to everyone being so respectful of everyone else, I've rarely heard any kind of discussion about this come up and not have it get super nasty, really fast, and:
2: I interned for Planned Parenthood for a while a long time ago, and the most resonant thing I ever heard in favor of being pro-choice was, "It's not about what a woman SHOULD do in case of a pregnancy, it's whether or not our society believes that women are intelligent enough to make decisions about their own bodies." I know you can make a case about them not being allowed to make choices for their unborn fetuses, but I still love this idea.
Thank God I'm *finally* able to get put on my SO's insurance here in the next week, but I still have a crap-ton of medical bills I can't afford, and no idea if I'll get approved to have Medicaid cover them. It just blows my mind how many people I meet claim to be pro-life, but really don't give a damn about those babies' health. They just spout some bullshit along the lines of "well you should have thought of that before you got pregnant, no one forced you to have sex you filthy whore". Makes me think it's really not about saving babies' lives, but more about some perverted sense of justice where women have to pay consequences way out of proportion to the 'crime' committed.
Anyway, I'll climb off my soapbox now
And ACA to help with that? Ha! Not even kinda. Not for my income bracket. Somehow lower middle class is just a black hole. (And that's as far as I'm going into that semi-political conversation.)
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I feel like often there is this unspoken expectation that if you've had an abortion then you either don't talk about it or you talk about it in tones of great regret. I have no regrets. I'm deeply grateful that the option was available to me and, if I were in those circumstances again, I would make the same decision in a heartbeat.