Another option: before Christmas, go visit your grandmother and bake things for her, or do something similar to de-stress her. You might not have money to fix her anxiety, but your presence will certainly help.
And then you can skip Christmas and no matter what smack your parents talk, the important person, your grandmother, will know the truth.
Actually this would equal "admitting guilt" and make it 100x worse. Skipping Christmas is not an option. They'll just show up at my house and give me shit (because I live close and they've done it before) for skipping family time to do nothing important. Then I have to threaten to call the cops and add alot of unnecessary stress to everyone.
Idk what would fix her anxiety to be honest. She's still at the point where she just wants him home. She gets aggravated that some of us are going out of our way to take care of her. I'm sticking to phone calls because visits stress her out since her "house is such a mess". I volunteered to help her with her Christmas tree and she yelled at me because it's her house and her responsibility and I am not to do things like that for her. She isn't to the point of accepting help yet. She'll get there, but just not yet.
I'm just praying for everyone to grow up, put grandma first for once and make this a happy Christmas despite the circumstances. She deserves it. And she will have it if it kills me.
Edit because that sounds really argumentative and I didn't mean it to sound that way. Its a perfectly reasonable suggestion that would make perfect sense if my family wasn't made up of self centered jerk faces. My husband and I decided to try the whole "let's take the kids out and visit beforehand and skip easter to keep the house drama free for everyone" thing earlier this year. And the above mentioned is what happened...sigh. again just praying it works out and everyone can be supportive and normal for grandma.
@countrygrl5533 - I completely understand how frustrating it can be when family members overshare your personal business like that. My MIL is good about asking us before she discloses any personal information, but the problem for me is my mom. When my sister found out she and my BIL were expecting their first child last year, my sister told me immediately but waited months before sharing the news with my parents and asked them not to tell anyone until they could announce to the whole family 2 weeks later at Thanksgiving dinner. My mother immediately called my grandmother and aunts and told them the news and told them not to tell anyone else. By Thanksgiving, everyone already knew. So, when DH and I found out we were expecting, my mom was the last to find out before we went public with the news on social media (I literally hung up the phone with her as I was pressing the button to share our announcement pics on FB).
Aside from the incident with my sister's pregnancy, my mother has a history of oversharing. Example 1: My parents were there when DH and I got engaged. Before I could tell anyone the news, she was already on the phone with my grandmother, aunts, and her friends, telling them all our news.
Example 2: When DH and I got married and my wedding dress came in, I stored my it in my parents' extra closet until the wedding because I didn't have room for it in my apartment. My mother proceeded to show it to all of her friends and every random person who came to their house. I eventually found out after a friend of hers I barely knew mentioned how she loved my wedding dress (which had very distinctive colored trim), I was furious and ended up buying and wearing an cheap dress that I didn't love. Now, nearly 9 years later, I wish I had just gotten over it and worn the dress I loved! My mom still tries to make me feel guilty for not wearing the original dress because my parents paid for half of it.
Example 3: DH and I hit a really rough patch in our marriage about 5 or 6 years ago, which was partially related to finances, and I vented to my mom about some of our personal issues. She ended up telling her sisters all the (exaggerated) details, and I started getting cards in the mail and phone calls from my aunts telling me how sorry they were to hear I was getting a divorce and to let them know if I needed money. DH and I were arguing a lot at the time, but it was never to the point that we were contemplating divorce. And, yes things were tight whileI was in graduate school, but we weren't starving on the streets like my mom made our situation out to be!
I could go on and on, but the point is that I have learned to be very careful about what I share with my mom. Before I tell her anything, I have to consider whether it is something I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing. It hurts to know someone I am so close to can't be trusted, but it makes things easier in the long run if I only share "public" information with her. It is a bit trickier in your situation, because, while you can control what you share with your MIL, you don't have as much control over what your husband discloses to her. I would talk to your husband about your MIL's oversharing and ask him to try to limit what personal info he shares with her before at least running it by you first.
This isn't an in law, but it is a family thing: I have two brothers and we're all close in age. My youngest brother is one of my best friends. My other brother has been a bit of a black sheep for awhile. Hes admitted to me that he's a bit jealous of the fact that we're only a year apart and while I'm married, in a career, own my own house, and having a baby, he's sleeping on my moms couch hoping someday he'll be a rock star (not a musician, a rock star). every time someone mentions I'm pregnant he always makes a joke that it "could be a food baby"- which wouldn't normally bother me except we had a missed miscarriage last February so it's like, don't say this baby isn't really there! He'll go so far as to repeat it over and over until someone acknowledges it. Because of this and his general attitude that I'm the worst, ive mostly kept him at arms length with this baby. Yesterday I posted a fun bump video on Instagram and he commented (for everyone to see!) that he wanted to touch my bump but was too shy to ask. I told him hands off the bump unless you were part of making the bump and he asked if he could touch it later when you could feel kicks. I said "just imagine you're touching an overfull beach ball. There ya go". I feel like if you call my baby a piece of food you don't get to touch it's home. Plus what is with people? It's not like I'm wearing a special padding, it's a part of my body!
@sosweet487 I can relate. My husband's mother and grandmother rely on him to do EVERYTHING for them. His grandmother is not as needy and feels like a burden so she'll ask much less frequently but my MIL almost feels like her son owes her. It's been this way since I met them.
What annoys me the most is that he has a cousin (her nephew) that lives just a few feet away from her, with his mother, and he is unemployed. He does nothing all day and isn't even looking for a job. My husband works long hours every day and comes home and does odd jobs we need done around the house. She will ask him, via email usually, to do something and he's very clear about how long it may take him to get to whatever task of the day she needs done. Then she'll passive aggressively mention it in more emails to him every few days, making him feel bad.
For example, her internet has been down for some time now. She actually never told my husband about this. Instead, she told his sister, "I wish DS would come visit me sometime, I never see him and I have been without internet for so long." She of course relays this to my husband and it makes him feel like a terrible son. Before he could even address it, she gets an email from her: "If you are wondering what to buy me for Christmas this year, I would love if you could just make a few minutes for me and see what's wrong with my internet."
What infuriates me the most is that HE is the ONLY one that can do this. She has a son in law, a daughter, a loser nephew next door (who is amazing at fixing computers, by the way) and several other family members that live closer than we do, with less hectic schedules, but it's up to my husband to fix everything, always.
Holiday edition:
We have always done Christmas eve evening with his mom's family (parents are divorced). This year, we are having Christmas eve with them, Christmas day at our house for my family (H's idea), and Christmas evening with his dad's family. Everything seemed to pan out and work out smoothly. Well, H tells me last week, he feels like we should invite his mom and grandmother for Christmas day with my family. Maybe I'm being a negative, hormone-stricken meany but I just don't want to. His mom ALWAYS has something negative to say and knows everything about everything. She has even gotten in heated debates with members of my family and made several of them very uncomfortable. Is it wrong of me to just want to enjoy my family for Christmas? It's not like we won't see them the night before. I also feel bad because my family pulls names and buys gifts for whoever's name we pulled. We do a little gift opening session where everyone says who they think pulled their name, etc. and I worry his mom/grandma will feel uncomfortable when we do that.
I know it's all probably petty but I'm pregnant and uncomfortable and tired and just want to relax and enjoy a pleasant Christmas this year.
@southergirlgetsfit YES! That is EXACTLY how she is! Passive aggressiveness runs strong with the females on my DH's side of the family. Right now we are the closest ones who live near her so she expects my husband to do everything for her regardless of his schedule. I suspect that she really just wants his company because some of the things she needs him to do are so bizarre and she always makes it seem like it's a rush. What she doesn't realize is that if she was just honest with my husband and told him that she would like his company then he would come over more often.
Spoke with my mom and told her about Christmas. She then started screaming that "your husband did this" and "he's a psychopath". What's really funny is my "psychopath" of a husband practically got down on his hands and knees two days before our wedding to apologize and say he wants to move forward, and was the one to tell her to stay for the wedding when I told her to leave. What's funnier is that people that know the situation has used the word "psychopath" to describe her.
As she's screaming at me, and I'm telling her I'm pregnant and don't want the stress and already had plans, I realize... I'm done with this. I need to move ahead with my life. She wants to control my life. Her boyfriend and his daughter don't talk; I told her that now we will have the same relationship as them. She's screaming that I don't realize how much she has given up for me. What does that have to do with me saying stay home for Xmas, I'll come see you the next month? See, manipulative and controlling.
I really thought I would be more upset right now, and while I feel bad, I'm not as devastated as I through I would be...she's already walked away from the rest of her family. What's one more person out of her life?
Another note, I told her she is always the victim. She plays the card really well. She's never wrong. After everything I told her after the wedding that upset me, all I got then was a "sorry I upset you with some stupid jokes". I mention this to her today, that she never apologizes for anything. She says she did apologize, the night before the wedding, when she was WASTED. Anyone can say sorry when drunk. I'll never get an apology from her, and realizing that now. Crying that she'll spend another Christmas alone. She made that bed when she cut out her brothers from her life. I can't be everything to her the way she wants me to be. When cousins invite her to holiday gatherings she turns them down and tells me she would feel "weird". The only thing I can take away from that is she wants me to feel bad and run home to spend every holiday with her.
She's telling me my husband "does shit for you" because he has never said lets drive 7 hours to visit your mom in Pittsburgh? She wants me to think of him as some monster and I guess she is still hoping for a divorce. It's sad. She doesn't understand that my family that I am starting takes priority.
I know this is a bit rambley, so appreciate anyone that actually read this whole thing. I'm just done. I've been on the fence about it for a while and today was what really sealed that deal. I can't keep riding this merry-go-round with her. She told me today that I need to "fix" this with the two of them? Why?? We tried to fix it before the wedding when she gave us the ultamatium to either have a convo with her or she was leaving. She was defensive that whole time and wouldn't accept DH that he wanted to move forward. She barely croaked out a "congrats" to him after the ceremony. Then told me today that him apologizing and wanting to move forward was all lies. I can't.. There is no winning here. So I need to do what's best for me and my family.
@yogahh you go girl. You do what's best for your little family. I'm sorry you even have to deal with it, especially pregnant. You're absolutely right, you don't need the stress right now. Hugs girl
@yogahh Major hugs. This seems like the best move for you and your family for now.
DH had to do this with his mom when he and I first started dating because she had hurt him so, so many times in the past, and was so manipulative towards him, without love or support. It still is difficult for him now and then, but he stands by it as one of the best decisions he made for his future. He is still waiting for her to show signs of change before he reopens his relationship with her.
I could go on and on, but the point is that I have learned to be very careful about what I share with my mom. Before I tell her anything, I have to consider whether it is something I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing. It hurts to know someone I am so close to can't be trusted, but it makes things easier in the long run if I only share "public" information with her. It is a bit trickier in your situation, because, while you can control what you share with your MIL, you don't have as much control over what your husband discloses to her. I would talk to your husband about your MIL's oversharing and ask him to try to limit what personal info he shares with her before at least running it by you first.
The thing is, they've been helping us with the house as we have to fix this one up for it to sell. It's not like we were going to keep that info from them. We had no idea they would include info about that in their newsletter. I hate how she was like "oh, I thought that because you shared online it was okay to include the pregnancy." The audience for Christmas cards is different than my FB friends. There are older relatives that DH would have liked to have been the first to tell.
We already limit what is told to them. We can't just stop talking to them because they over share, kwim? It's just ridiculous. At least she agreed to let us approve her letter before she sends it next year. I don't know why we have to be her in letter at all. When my mom actually does one, she doesn't include her grown children unless she checks with us first.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012 TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
I'm so sorry @yogahh. I don't have much to offer by way of experience or advice, but I'm sending hugs! I'm impressed with how resolved you are to put yourself and your family first, because its you, your H and your LO that matter the most right now. Hopefully you will start to feel lighter without this drama dragging you down. xx.
@yogahh It sucks that your mom had a meltdown on you, but you did a great job taking a stand. It's hard, but it'll pay off in the future. Hopefully this will be the push she needs to improve, maybe start therapy and work on her relationship skills. *hugs
There is no winning here. So I need to do what's best for me and my family.
It sounds like this is unfortunately true - you can't win here. It doesn't sound like anyone "wins" with her. Sorry you're going through this...but I hope adding some distance will bring some peace to your life.
@yogahh It sounds like in this situation you have done exactly what you need to do. My dad sounds a lot like your mom. He is a master at playing the victim and even though he ruins every relationship he has ever had, it is always everyone else that is out to get him. I have learned that his actions are his alone and there is nothing I can do except move forward with my life. It is hard, but it is the right thing to do.
Thanks...I am kinda an orphan now My dad is dead, but we didn't have a relationship either. I don't know his side of the family. And because my mom severed ties on her side, I was loyal to her and did the same. Thankfully, we have our own family brewing away that I can focus on!!
I have decided that if she wants to call and apologize to me for acting like a child not getting her way, and if she wants to "fix" this, then I will work with her. But I am done being the one always picking up the phone. Done feeling guilty for making a decision that is in the best interest of my family, and her reacting the way she did. I have been dealing with this for a while now... the guilt. And I am done with it. I am a 34 year old woman. I don't need my mom making me feel like a child because she doesn't get her way!
I do have to say thanks for the feedback and support. It is somewhat comforting knowing that others have been in this same situation.
I'm sorry to hog this board... but have to fill you guys in on Mama Drama part 2...
Got off the train tonight to an email from Mother of the Year.
She recaps the history between DH and herself. She knows that I don't think he is completely unaccusable for the initial issues, but my problem now is how she has been with me since getting engaged. So why she is bringing up past issues and not focusing on what my issue is is baffling. Actually, its not. It makes sense. Its because she can say she wasn't the problem..
Some snitbits for your reading pleasure (verbatim)
1) Guess you stopped worrying about someone disrespecting your family just so you could get a ring on your finger.
2) And yet you are upset because I wasn't happy for you and support you while planning your wedding. I was anything but happy. Nothing about the situation made me happy. I watched you marry a jerk. The sad thing is, you know he's a jerk.
3) He said he "loves" you "like crazy". What kind of sacrifices has he ever made for you? He has never brought you to see your mother.
4) You married a sociopath. He has wanted me out of the way from the beginning. You say I'm a sociopath and I've been manipulative??? Maybe you haven't been completely honest with your friends. Of course you're going to tell them what you want them to know to get them on your side. You're afraid of the truth.
5) (He) brings out the worst in you. You have been a total bitch to me since you said "I do". Shame on you. You have changed and not for the better.
6) You have become a disappointment. I used to be so proud of you. You should let people see the real you.
7) And stop accusing me of playing the victim. I AM the victim in all of this. I DID NOTHING WRONG TO ANYBODY. I will no longer defend myself to you. You have taken the whole situation and made me the villain
8) I have felt for the past few months that you have wanted me out of the picture so you wouldn't have to deal with a problem between me and (he). There is no doubt in my mind that you have been wanting an estrangement. Well now you're rid of me.
9) Someday you'll realize the mistakes you've made as a daughter.
10) This is ALL his doing and do NOT ever try to blame this on me.
So again we go back to the original issues and how that was not her fault. That I agree with.
But she refuses to take ANY ownership of her actions towards ME...
And that's why I am pissed.
She also accuses me of sending her "scathing emails".
I have sent her 3 emails that I can think of besides the occasional "hi"
After the wedding, recapping why I was upset and asking for an apology
After an issue we were having where DH and I were supposed to go to Pittsburgh for a wedding and wanting to stay in a hotel instead of with her
After her BF told her she fights with everyone and she stopped returning calls for a week. In that email I suggested she see a therapist to help her with this transition...
Again, nothing I will do or say will be right. And after this email, where I literally had to stop dead in my tracks while my jaw dropped at the manipulatives and the LIES, I think I can honestly say I am done.
So, Merry Christmas I guess..... what great timing....
@yogahh ...that is the ultimate guilt trip if I have ever read one. MY jaw dropped reading this! It all sounds so familiar to me, like I was reading an email from my own family (my husband only wanted me for sex and when I married him I gave up all my dreams blah blah blah...untrue, I actually always dreamed of being a SAHM if I was lucky enough to be a mom at all. I gave up their dreams for me, so their mad...but alas, about you not me...lol)
I'm sorry she's making it all about you and basically said you're a rotten daughter (at least that's what I felt it was saying). Of all the times to go crazy and be immature about it, she picked Christmas. I'm in complete disbelief. I'm so sorry. Creepy Internet hugs to you girl. You need them.
@yogahh I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have the same experience but I can empathize with having one parent alive and really working at making an effort even when you feel like you're doing all/most of the heavy lifting in the relationship. I just wanted to say I'm sorry and to share that since DH and I have been married we've focused on making our little family our priority since I had been missing that feeling of "belonging" since my mom died, and it's really helped. I think it's great that you're strong enough and are resolved to put your own growing family first. You can't change your mom, but you can take your experience and learn from it and unfortunately that's the only silver lining. Big hugs!!
@yogahh before that email, you were open to trying to repair the relationship. That email just shows that she doesn't want to repair the relationship. She wants to be "right" 100% (clearly she is not) and seen as the martyr for saving you (clearly you do not need).
You need to know you did everything you could but anything at this point isn't healthy. Find ways to enjoy yourself and let her be bitter.
Also, I'm so sorry for her calling you a disappointment. No mother should say that. What she said is coming from a place of anger (which sounds like where she resides), but holds NO TRUTH. remember that.
@yogahh Creepy internet hugs! My mother and I just have a very superficial relationship because she is very passive-aggressive and does much better if we just talk about the weather.
@yogahh your mom sounds exactly like my moms friend- except your mom can spell better. Her daughters have both moved over 1,000 miles away & rarely come home- totally understandably. She lies to her friends about their relationship, guilt trips the absolute crap out of them, and has to constantly be the martyr. They also ran out of patience & now refuse to visit until she gets therapy (which she thinks is for the weak). Everyone who knows the situation 100% supports the daughters. I hope that happens for you & people see through your moms complete BS & immaturity. Hang in there!
@yogahh Block her. Let her know you are blocking her email and her phone, that anything she sends you by mail will end up in the trash before being opened, and designate a friend she can contact you through if and only if she at some point in the future wants to make amends for the horrible things she's said and done.
Tell that friend only to give your mother your contact information if she admits full guilt and send to genuinely want to apologize.
@yogahh Oh. My. God. I'm so sorry you are going through that. Even if your DH was as horrible as she says (which I highly doubt), *healthy* people state their opinion once, let you make your own choice, keep their mouths shut, but are always there for you if you need it. Don't respond, people like that just want the attention (and negative attention is still attention) and to play the victim. She's trying to bait you into opening up that dialogue.
Do whatever you need to for your own sanity. If that means block her, then block her.
And let's all take a lesson from this and pledge NOT to act like this when our babies grow up and get married
I have decided not to answer her email. Odd that I am such a horrible person. A bitch. A disappointment. But she is this worked out about not being able to spend days with me. Why would anyone want to spend even a minute with someone as horrible as I am???
Even if I replied, she obviously is living in a fantasy world, so nothing I would say would make a damn difference. I told DH I should just reply "ok".
Also, odd how quickly she seems to agree about cutting ties and not trying to fix the issue. I feel like since April, all I have been doing is trying to repair our relationship and continually putting the issues I have to the side so that she doesn't feel "attacked" or "abandoned"
A few years ago my uncle died, and in the course of his death, my mom felt that her family was attacking her. I of course took her side. A year or so later my aunt reached out to me and told me there are things I don't know. I didn't ask for details, but I was so sure that my mom was right. Today I sent her an email asking her to expand. I want to know if I was manipulated into taking her side and cutting ties with the only family I have.
@yogahh Oh. My. God. I'm so sorry you are going through that. Even if your DH was as horrible as she says (which I highly doubt), *healthy* people state their opinion once, let you make your own choice, keep their mouths shut, but are always there for you if you need it. Don't respond, people like that just want the attention (and negative attention is still attention) and to play the victim. She's trying to bait you into opening up that dialogue.
Do whatever you need to for your own sanity. If that means block her, then block her.
And let's all take a lesson from this and pledge NOT to act like this when our babies grow up and get married
Ill admit that DH is a stubborn and doesn't change his mind on what he thinks about people. He hasn't liked her from the start. Told me he got a "weird vibe from her" (hard to imagine I know!). But he inst the sociopath she is saying he is. Once she even told me that she felt he was mentally abusive to me?? She also hasn't tried. She claims he gets mad when she voices her opinions about things he likes, for example poker. But I think she purposely finds little things to pick at to piss him off.
@yogahh my jaw dropped as well...geez she's starting to make your MIL look good.
You told us in a TTT that you packed two bags and took a train to NY with no job, no apartment, and knowing no one. Based on this...you're going to be fine. I just wanted to reassure you of that - any time you start feeling sad or isolated or any of those negative feelings, just remember that you've already got bigger balls than many people She sucks, not you, and you're going to be totally fine.
@yogahh The only thing I would send in response to that email would be the contact information for a local therapist. It sounds like your mom could probably benefit from some counseling. If she spoke to a professional who could explain to her why her behavior is inappropriate and hurtful, maybe they could help her understand why she is wrong. I'm sorry you're having to go through this - especially pregnant and right here at the holidays!
@yogahh my jaw dropped as well...geez she's starting to make your MIL look good.
You told us in a TTT that you packed two bags and took a train to NY with no job, no apartment, and knowing no one. Based on this...you're going to be fine. I just wanted to reassure you of that - any time you start feeling sad or isolated or any of those negative feelings, just remember that you've already got bigger balls than many people She sucks, not you, and you're going to be totally fine.
Seriously, how did you remember that? I'm the worst, I cant remember half the things people have told me...
@yogahh She is not anywhere close to being ready to work on things. I agree with @swflJD about the therapy suggestion, but she will not be receptive or get anything out of it till she's left alone for a few months. It is a good call to not reply, especially during the holidays. Her scathing email is full on looney bin delusional and I can almost bet money there will be more to come during the holidays. You deserve a happy Christmas; She wants to punish you and ruin it for you. Don't open a single new email till after the holidays (Whether you even keep them is up to you, but she's spiraling and they will be nasty). The letter was very cold and manipulative. Also VERY verbally abusive.
My mother is like that, cold and manipulative, and when I was transitioning in my teens and young adult years, she would withhold love and approval unless I followed her religion or did what she wanted. Even when I was a good little church member and did everything the way she wanted, I came to the realization that the approval will never come. I was miserable, depressed, and felt as I was suffocating... Not from the lack of approval but from my stifling my own Self, the person I am. Asserting independence was a bumpy road between us, but I am a strong, smart, and happy person with a kickass personality and I would never give that up. She's still cold and manipulative, but mostly with my sister, since she knows that doesn't work on me. So now when DH and I visit, it's catching up and hugs, no manipulation or invasive attempts. Your mom might change and get better, but it'll take time. She needs to learn she is not allowed to drive a wedge between you and your husband. She cannot strangle your marriage. I highly suggest reading The Prince of Tides. Parents are not perfect, and some children need to love and protect themselves from their parents. It was so cathartic when I read it, it brought tears of emotional release many times. *Hugs*
@yogahh didn't you say she's cut off her entire family too? And she still thinks she's not the issue? Umm ok. Sounds like she needs a serious look in the mirror, which she of course won't do because those people often don't.
@yogahh If you do respond, you may want to consider taking it back to the phone. Emails like this get out of hand, because someone can just go on and on attacking you with no chance for the other person to defend or explain themselves, or even apologize if they want to, and things can escalate quickly. Obviously I don't know your dynamic, and phone calls could bring up other issues, but in my experience, conflict is best handled when both parties are able to fairly present their case, and not just send a long list of attacks like your mom did.
@yogahh my jaw dropped as well...geez she's starting to make your MIL look good.
You told us in a TTT that you packed two bags and took a train to NY with no job, no apartment, and knowing no one. Based on this...you're going to be fine. I just wanted to reassure you of that - any time you start feeling sad or isolated or any of those negative feelings, just remember that you've already got bigger balls than many people She sucks, not you, and you're going to be totally fine.
Seriously, how did you remember that? I'm the worst, I cant remember half the things people have told me...
I have a very good and accurate memory...it's one of the things that my kid is going to hate about me some day
@yogahh My prediction is that she will come around and be a better mom and grandma before May. May is months away, so there is lots of time to improve. Setting rules for communication is a major change that needs to happen. No belittling DH, no name calling, no cursing. If she is ready to mend things with DH, cool; looking at that letter she has been irrational for a long time, so settling for civil is good enough.
@yogahh OMG....that email is just straight out of control. Those are some very harsh words from your mother. I am so sorry you're dealing with this during the holidays. Keep on being strong for LO. I am thinking of you and sending lots of virtual hugs.
I just left the Christmas party of my H's fathers family early because my MIL is going to push me into being mean to her. A family friend brought her 3 year old grandson to the party. He had a cupcake. Afterwards he wanted a brownie and my MIL tried to sneak it to him. H, BIL, SIL, and I all started protesting saying she can't do that And that she needs to break that habit before becoming a grandmother (this one will be her first). We said it jokingly even. She literally started crying and telling the older family members that I (she left out everyone else who said the same things) was going to keep her granddaughter away from her because she won't be able to keep up with all my rules. She says she knows my mom will get more time. How does she know this? She doesn't. She made it up. She actually lives closer then my mom!! I'm so over this woman making herself the victim at every turn. I'd never keep her grandchild from her but her behavior makes me want to stay far far away.
I just left the Christmas party of my H's fathers family early because my MIL is going to push me into being mean to her. A family friend brought her 3 year old grandson to the party. He had a cupcake. Afterwards he wanted a brownie and my MIL tried to sneak it to him. H, BIL, SIL, and I all started protesting saying she can't do that And that she needs to break that habit before becoming a grandmother (this one will be her first). We said it jokingly even. She literally started crying and telling the older family members that I (she left out everyone else who said the same things) was going to keep her granddaughter away from her because she won't be able to keep up with all my rules. She says she knows my mom will get more time. How does she know this? She doesn't. She made it up. She actually lives closer then my mom!! I'm so over this woman making herself the victim at every turn. I'd never keep her grandchild from her but her behavior makes me want to stay far far away.
Girl I hear ya. I have no advice but just wanted to say don't let her guilt you!!
Re: Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws
Idk what would fix her anxiety to be honest. She's still at the point where she just wants him home. She gets aggravated that some of us are going out of our way to take care of her. I'm sticking to phone calls because visits stress her out since her "house is such a mess". I volunteered to help her with her Christmas tree and she yelled at me because it's her house and her responsibility and I am not to do things like that for her. She isn't to the point of accepting help yet. She'll get there, but just not yet.
I'm just praying for everyone to grow up, put grandma first for once and make this a happy Christmas despite the circumstances. She deserves it. And she will have it if it kills me.
Edit because that sounds really argumentative and I didn't mean it to sound that way. Its a perfectly reasonable suggestion that would make perfect sense if my family wasn't made up of self centered jerk faces. My husband and I decided to try the whole "let's take the kids out and visit beforehand and skip easter to keep the house drama free for everyone" thing earlier this year. And the above mentioned is what happened...sigh. again just praying it works out and everyone can be supportive and normal for grandma.
I have two brothers and we're all close in age. My youngest brother is one of my best friends.
My other brother has been a bit of a black sheep for awhile. Hes admitted to me that he's a bit jealous of the fact that we're only a year apart and while I'm married, in a career, own my own house, and having a baby, he's sleeping on my moms couch hoping someday he'll be a rock star (not a musician, a rock star). every time someone mentions I'm pregnant he always makes a joke that it "could be a food baby"- which wouldn't normally bother me except we had a missed miscarriage last February so it's like, don't say this baby isn't really there! He'll go so far as to repeat it over and over until someone acknowledges it. Because of this and his general attitude that I'm the worst, ive mostly kept him at arms length with this baby. Yesterday I posted a fun bump video on Instagram and he commented (for everyone to see!) that he wanted to touch my bump but was too shy to ask. I told him hands off the bump unless you were part of making the bump and he asked if he could touch it later when you could feel kicks. I said "just imagine you're touching an overfull beach ball. There ya go".
I feel like if you call my baby a piece of food you don't get to touch it's home. Plus what is with people? It's not like I'm wearing a special padding, it's a part of my body!
Spoke with my mom and told her about Christmas. She then started screaming that "your husband did this" and "he's a psychopath". What's really funny is my "psychopath" of a husband practically got down on his hands and knees two days before our wedding to apologize and say he wants to move forward, and was the one to tell her to stay for the wedding when I told her to leave. What's funnier is that people that know the situation has used the word "psychopath" to describe her.
As she's screaming at me, and I'm telling her I'm pregnant and don't want the stress and already had plans, I realize... I'm done with this. I need to move ahead with my life. She wants to control my life. Her boyfriend and his daughter don't talk; I told her that now we will have the same relationship as them. She's screaming that I don't realize how much she has given up for me. What does that have to do with me saying stay home for Xmas, I'll come see you the next month? See, manipulative and controlling.
I really thought I would be more upset right now, and while I feel bad, I'm not as devastated as I through I would be...she's already walked away from the rest of her family. What's one more person out of her life?
Another note, I told her she is always the victim. She plays the card really well. She's never wrong. After everything I told her after the wedding that upset me, all I got then was a "sorry I upset you with some stupid jokes". I mention this to her today, that she never apologizes for anything. She says she did apologize, the night before the wedding, when she was WASTED. Anyone can say sorry when drunk. I'll never get an apology from her, and realizing that now. Crying that she'll spend another Christmas alone. She made that bed when she cut out her brothers from her life. I can't be everything to her the way she wants me to be. When cousins invite her to holiday gatherings she turns them down and tells me she would feel "weird". The only thing I can take away from that is she wants me to feel bad and run home to spend every holiday with her.
She's telling me my husband "does shit for you" because he has never said lets drive 7 hours to visit your mom in Pittsburgh? She wants me to think of him as some monster and I guess she is still hoping for a divorce. It's sad. She doesn't understand that my family that I am starting takes priority.
I know this is a bit rambley, so appreciate anyone that actually read this whole thing. I'm just done. I've been on the fence about it for a while and today was what really sealed that deal. I can't keep riding this merry-go-round with her. She told me today that I need to "fix" this with the two of them? Why?? We tried to fix it before the wedding when she gave us the ultamatium to either have a convo with her or she was leaving. She was defensive that whole time and wouldn't accept DH that he wanted to move forward. She barely croaked out a "congrats" to him after the ceremony. Then told me today that him apologizing and wanting to move forward was all lies. I can't.. There is no winning here. So I need to do what's best for me and my family.
The thing is, they've been helping us with the house as we have to fix this one up for it to sell. It's not like we were going to keep that info from them. We had no idea they would include info about that in their newsletter. I hate how she was like "oh, I thought that because you shared online it was okay to include the pregnancy." The audience for Christmas cards is different than my FB friends. There are older relatives that DH would have liked to have been the first to tell.
We already limit what is told to them. We can't just stop talking to them because they over share, kwim? It's just ridiculous. At least she agreed to let us approve her letter before she sends it next year. I don't know why we have to be her in letter at all. When my mom actually does one, she doesn't include her grown children unless she checks with us first.
Married: 1/2008 ~ DD#1: 3/2012
TTC #2: Started 4/2014 BFP 7/30/15 MC 8/3/15 BFP 9/4/2015 EDD 5/16/2016
It's hard, but it'll pay off in the future.
Hopefully this will be the push she needs to improve, maybe start therapy and work on her relationship skills.
*hugs
I'm sorry she's making it all about you and basically said you're a rotten daughter (at least that's what I felt it was saying). Of all the times to go crazy and be immature about it, she picked Christmas. I'm in complete disbelief. I'm so sorry. Creepy Internet hugs to you girl. You need them.
You need to know you did everything you could but anything at this point isn't healthy. Find ways to enjoy yourself and let her be bitter.
Also, I'm so sorry for her calling you a disappointment. No mother should say that. What she said is coming from a place of anger (which sounds like where she resides), but holds NO TRUTH. remember that.
Tell that friend only to give your mother your contact information if she admits full guilt and send to genuinely want to apologize.
Also, sorry, and creepy internet hugs.
She is not anywhere close to being ready to work on things. I agree with @swflJD about the therapy suggestion, but she will not be receptive or get anything out of it till she's left alone for a few months. It is a good call to not reply, especially during the holidays. Her scathing email is full on looney bin delusional and I can almost bet money there will be more to come during the holidays. You deserve a happy Christmas; She wants to punish you and ruin it for you. Don't open a single new email till after the holidays (Whether you even keep them is up to you, but she's spiraling and they will be nasty).
The letter was very cold and manipulative. Also VERY verbally abusive.
My mother is like that, cold and manipulative, and when I was transitioning in my teens and young adult years, she would withhold love and approval unless I followed her religion or did what she wanted. Even when I was a good little church member and did everything the way she wanted, I came to the realization that the approval will never come. I was miserable, depressed, and felt as I was suffocating... Not from the lack of approval but from my stifling my own Self, the person I am. Asserting independence was a bumpy road between us, but I am a strong, smart, and happy person with a kickass personality and I would never give that up.
She's still cold and manipulative, but mostly with my sister, since she knows that doesn't work on me. So now when DH and I visit, it's catching up and hugs, no manipulation or invasive attempts.
Your mom might change and get better, but it'll take time. She needs to learn she is not allowed to drive a wedge between you and your husband. She cannot strangle your marriage. I highly suggest reading The Prince of Tides. Parents are not perfect, and some children need to love and protect themselves from their parents. It was so cathartic when I read it, it brought tears of emotional release many times.
*Hugs*
My prediction is that she will come around and be a better mom and grandma before May. May is months away, so there is lots of time to improve. Setting rules for communication is a major change that needs to happen. No belittling DH, no name calling, no cursing. If she is ready to mend things with DH, cool; looking at that letter she has been irrational for a long time, so settling for civil is good enough.
OMG....that email is just straight out of control. Those are some very harsh words from your mother. I am so sorry you're dealing with this during the holidays. Keep on being strong for LO. I am thinking of you and sending lots of virtual hugs.
A family friend brought her 3 year old grandson to the party. He had a cupcake. Afterwards he wanted a brownie and my MIL tried to sneak it to him. H, BIL, SIL, and I all started protesting saying she can't do that And that she needs to break that habit before becoming a grandmother (this one will be her first). We said it jokingly even.
She literally started crying and telling the older family members that I (she left out everyone else who said the same things) was going to keep her granddaughter away from her because she won't be able to keep up with all my rules. She says she knows my mom will get more time. How does she know this? She doesn't. She made it up. She actually lives closer then my mom!!
I'm so over this woman making herself the victim at every turn. I'd never keep her grandchild from her but her behavior makes me want to stay far far away.
DD: 05/14/16