Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws - Page 2 — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

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Re: Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

  • @yogahh sorry, I forget people have to do big travelling in the US, totally makes sense now
    To cheer you up if i peeved you off- my mom totally wound me up about half hour after I sent this so yeah, am over my smooshy moment! Karma huh?!
  • JennyS86JennyS86
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    edited December 2015
    yogahh only you know your mama best, but my mom would be fine if I was honest with her and begged her to come in Jan or Feb....I will also be begging her to stay for as long as possible when the baby comes. She is so great with my twins and I love her cooking.  She makes it happen!

    ETA holy crap spelling
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    dshannah
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  • salbb said:

    @yogahh sorry, I forget people have to do big travelling in the US, totally makes sense now
    To cheer you up if i peeved you off- my mom totally wound me up about half hour after I sent this so yeah, am over my smooshy moment! Karma huh?!

    No need to apologize!! You didn't do anything to upset me ;)

    cat fail animated GIF

  • yogahhyogahh
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    edited December 2015
    Here's a fun story that just happened- and a glimpse into moms head.

    She is in Disney world. Alone for 5 days. She calls this afternoon as I'm napping. I answer, hear nothing and say hello twice. She finally just says hi, but sounds flustered like maybe she was butt dialing and just heard me. Then says nothing else. I go, "so what's up". Maybe I was cranky, because you know, I'm sleeping and I hate this back and forth on the phone stuff. She acts like a child says "never mind, I just thought it would be nice to talk to some one" (guess she's lonely), hangs up and turns off her phone. So now she is the victim... Again... And I'm feeling guilty.

    cat fail animated GIF

  • @yogahh the guilt trip is unnecessary... I know you can't control your instant emotion of guilt due to her reaction, but kids grow up and move out for a reason - to be on their own and independent/build a life of their own. Yes, you can absolutely have a relationship with your parents as you get older, but you aren't supposed to be their sole happiness nor is it your duty to keep them happy or cure their loneliness. Try to remember that you have your own small family now and your mother and in-laws don't get to control how you feel - they can only control how they feel, and the guilt trips they can lay on you just aren't productive. Hang in there!
    amscapejessiedee13UseTheTriforce94
  • Mild compared to most: My in-laws have issues with boundaries and over stepping them, as well as wanting to be waaaaay to close. It got to the point where my MIL can no longer see what I post on my personal FB. One of the big things we've had a hard time with over the years is them sharing our news or sharing too much of our lives in their Christmas letter.

    Happened again this year. We're keeping the house for sale kind of quiet for now as we don't want it getting back to DH's work (they even hear a rumor you are thinking about quitting and they fire you on the spot). We also were planning on a cute picture for our Christmas card announcing baby #2 for those people that aren't on FB. We're just a little behind on our cards this year.

    Well, I may not even bother anymore as MIL shared all of that in her Christmas letter. She's been told/asked in the past to not include so much info and to check with us before sending out the letter so we know if it is okay for us or not. So now I'm going to have to do damage control and make sure MIL knows the standard answer for why we are selling the house is that we need a bigger place (which is also true so not lying).

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • So my in-laws came to visit on Sunday, because while my FIL will be here over Christmas, Step-MIL will be with her sons and her MIL from her first marriage (her first husband passed away; not divorced).  So she wanted a chance to see DS before the holidays.  Fine.

    - They showed up 5 min before naptime.

    - They instantly distracted DS from the lunch I was desperately trying to get him to finish (so that we could get to aforementioned naptime) by giving him a giant stuffed iguana and noise-maker that they brought from their recent trip to Aruba.

    - See above?  Noise-maker.  AWESOME.

    - Then while step-MIL talked to her son on the phone and my wife took DS up for his nap, FIL proceeded to stand in the kitchen and awkwardly stare at me (not saying a word--typical for him) as I tried to finish the lunch I had just gotten to eat.  (They had called about 5 min. before arriving to say, "Oh, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch, go ahead and eat.  And we'll be there in five minutes.")

    ARGH.  All in all, I really should not complain.  They are generally nice people and they did watch DS so my wife and I could go out for an hour or so together.  But their sense of timing is awful when it comes to arriving (ALWAYS right before nap time.  They KNOW when his nap time is!) and bringing presents (two frigging weeks before Christmas!  Seriously, I know it's a souvenior from your trip, but just wrap it up and wait two more weeks!  Last  year it was a gigantic stuffed dinosaur a month before Christmas.)

    That's my vent for the day.

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    LemmyRNkbrands7AmmyBelleUseTheTriforce94
  • @emma+karen
    Unannounced pop-ins are so annoying! It usually happens to me when I'm bra-less and super comfy :neutral:
    Maybe the new baby will be the perfect opportunity to set boundaries. Like when they call with "we'll be there in 5," say something like "no, that won't work because of (good reason). You can visit around this time."
    UseTheTriforce94
  • @emma+karen I sympathize with the unannounced pop-ins and gifts. My parents/grandparents do that. They have gotten a little better about it since I set up firmer boundaries, but DS still ended up with a new stuffed animal and a Mickey toy last week that I didn't even see him receive because I was at work. 


    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • So my in-laws came to visit on Sunday, because while my FIL will be here over Christmas, Step-MIL will be with her sons and her MIL from her first marriage (her first husband passed away; not divorced).  So she wanted a chance to see DS before the holidays.  Fine.

    - They showed up 5 min before naptime.

    - They instantly distracted DS from the lunch I was desperately trying to get him to finish (so that we could get to aforementioned naptime) by giving him a giant stuffed iguana and noise-maker that they brought from their recent trip to Aruba.

    - See above?  Noise-maker.  AWESOME.

    - Then while step-MIL talked to her son on the phone and my wife took DS up for his nap, FIL proceeded to stand in the kitchen and awkwardly stare at me (not saying a word--typical for him) as I tried to finish the lunch I had just gotten to eat.  (They had called about 5 min. before arriving to say, "Oh, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch, go ahead and eat.  And we'll be there in five minutes.")

    ARGH.  All in all, I really should not complain.  They are generally nice people and they did watch DS so my wife and I could go out for an hour or so together.  But their sense of timing is awful when it comes to arriving (ALWAYS right before nap time.  They KNOW when his nap time is!) and bringing presents (two frigging weeks before Christmas!  Seriously, I know it's a souvenior from your trip, but just wrap it up and wait two more weeks!  Last  year it was a gigantic stuffed dinosaur a month before Christmas.)

    That's my vent for the day.

    URGGGGGG.... this would be a nightmare for me. It sounds like Everyone Love Raymond, just coming in whenever they please.

    cat fail animated GIF

    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • Mild compared to most: My in-laws have issues with boundaries and over stepping them, as well as wanting to be waaaaay to close. It got to the point where my MIL can no longer see what I post on my personal FB. One of the big things we've had a hard time with over the years is them sharing our news or sharing too much of our lives in their Christmas letter.

    Happened again this year. We're keeping the house for sale kind of quiet for now as we don't want it getting back to DH's work (they even hear a rumor you are thinking about quitting and they fire you on the spot). We also were planning on a cute picture for our Christmas card announcing baby #2 for those people that aren't on FB. We're just a little behind on our cards this year.

    Well, I may not even bother anymore as MIL shared all of that in her Christmas letter. She's been told/asked in the past to not include so much info and to check with us before sending out the letter so we know if it is okay for us or not. So now I'm going to have to do damage control and make sure MIL knows the standard answer for why we are selling the house is that we need a bigger place (which is also true so not lying).
    So update on this: It got put on me to talk to MIL about this as DH isn't in cell phone service and we needed to do damage control sooner rather than later. Apparently, she had a ton more info but then deleted it because she wasn't sure what was okay to share. And because we went public online with the pregnancy, she thought it would be okay to include it in her letter.

    1- If you weren't sure if it would be okay or not, just ask us first.

    2- Yes, we went public online. But a lot of the older relatives aren't online so they didn't know yet. This is more than likely our last child so instead of getting to share our own news, that joy got taken from us...again. MIL also spilled the beans to almost everyone when we were pg with DD...after we asked them not to tell anyone. I realize I'm behind on getting our cards out but it would have been nice if the announcement had come from us in a cute picture instead of in a simple sentence in someone else's card.

    3- Apparently, DH just can't share with his parents....anything. I think he is more mad than I am this time.


    I almost don't even feel like finishing up our Christmas card to get it out in the mail/e-mail at this point in time. What's the point? Maybe it isn't a big deal to other people but I am seriously getting so sick of my life being shared for me. Especially when this issue has already been addressed.

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    LemmyRN
  • Ugh, pop-ins are the worst! From what I've heard- and I think Miss Manners herself backs this up- it is 100% acceptable etiquette to not answer the door when people show up unannounced, especially at inconvenient times.
    LemmyRNthismakes4MrsKubleyUseTheTriforce94
  • countrygrl5533 I know it is frustrating that your MIL violated boundaries (again) but don't forget that there are probably a lot of people who LOVE getting a holiday card from you - don't let your MIL steal their joy too!
    countrygrl5533amscapeMrsKubleyUseTheTriforce94
  • Ugh so my mother and father. I dont have enough time for background which would actually make this make sense, but here it goes anyway.

    My Grandpa (moms dad) died last month (ok so a little background). Every since them my parents have been giving me alot of shit for not calling them every day (something I've never ever done) to make sure "they're doing ok with their loss". I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I was raised by my grandparents, and while they're yelling at me for not checking on them, they never bother to ask how I'm doing (which is not well, I might add).
    The newest development, is that my grandfather's life insurance is taking its deaf sweet time getting here and Grandma is crazy worried about money. My parents borrowed $4000 from them last year for I don't even know what. Someone (I honestly don't know who, because I didn't even know they borrowed anything until last week) mentioned to them that making a payment on that at Christmas would really help out Grandma. They called me and yelled at me for blabbing about owing grandma and grandpa money, saying they will absolutely not pay it back, and it's my responsibility because they borrowed it for me, and that's what they've told the family. Ok...if they borrowed $4000 for me, I would gladly pay it back had I ever seen it. And now I feel like a turd because I have no extra money at all to even donate to my grandma anyway (and I'd love to help her, she deserves it and did so much for me growing up and it's breaking my heart), but to now have the whole family on my case about owing $4000 is just too much for me. I have several family members that believe my side of the story (because my parents have always blamed everything on me), but theres enough that don't that I'm uncomfortable about going to Christmas. I want to see my Grandma and socialize with the family, but I'm so worried it'll turn into a yelling match, and I don't want that to happen. Grandma doesn't need the extra drama....and it's just stupid.

    OK. Rant over.
    AmmyBelleLemmyRNMerciel
  • yogahh said:
    Here's a fun story that just happened- and a glimpse into moms head. She is in Disney world. Alone for 5 days. She calls this afternoon as I'm napping. I answer, hear nothing and say hello twice. She finally just says hi, but sounds flustered like maybe she was butt dialing and just heard me. Then says nothing else. I go, "so what's up". Maybe I was cranky, because you know, I'm sleeping and I hate this back and forth on the phone stuff. She acts like a child says "never mind, I just thought it would be nice to talk to some one" (guess she's lonely), hangs up and turns off her phone. So now she is the victim... Again... And I'm feeling guilty.

    A few things...1st, after this example, I'd totally tell her that the holidays are not going to work this year if I were you.  For what it's worth, it's also our 1st Christmas as a married couple & prego & we don't want either set of in-laws around.  You need to take some time to be with each other.  And I would have said this BEFORE reading your example...but after that illustration, yeah. Nope.  See you in January Mom.  So, ok, 2nd...your story itself.  Please stop feeling guilty because the extent of your dialog, "hello," and "so what's up" are perfectly reasonable things to say to a person who calls you and then says literally nothing when you answer the phone.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say they are mandatory things to say to any person who calls you and doesn't then initiate a conversation.  IMO.

    3rd...and this is neither here nor there but...Disney for 5 days alone? Um...why??
    LemmyRNDutchLucyLu
  • jessiedee13jessiedee13
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    edited December 2015
    @AmmyBelle I'm a hot mess. I have been for a month. I mean obviously I'm pregnant...I don't need the added stress of whatever. I have 1 aunt (my mom's sister), her wife and a couple cousins that just know. My aunt was still living with grandparents when I basically moved in (I lived with my dad's mom until she got cancer, my parents for a year until she passed then dropped at my grandparents house anytime they needed a break, which was always, so they raised me for them), so she gets it. She's used to it. She lived it with me. But I mean, as a mother, how on earth do you do that to your own child? I'll never understand, and I never want to for that matter. I'd do anything for my kids. And I'd never use my kids as a scape goat for anything. It's just stupid. And upsetting. And I miss my grandpa dang it!
    AmmyBelleLemmyRNAquinna82
  • @jessiedee13 that is a really tough situation and it's terrible to have to deal with all that drama while trying to grieve.
    Hugs
    Your parents are being very manipulative. Hopefully the rest of the family has critical thinking abilities and will be able to see through the lies. I would be protective of your grandmother when she does receive the money. My grandma was distraught when she lost my grandpa and had one of my aunts purchase furniture for her new house, doing my grandma a favor. DH and I just barely heard (this year) that the aunt spent over $25,000 of grandmas money to do that... Which makes NO sense at all based on what was purchased, and is super fishy. That happened well over 10 yrs ago so nothing can be done.
  • Does problematic Grandmother-in-law count for this thread?

    My DH's grandmother asked him to put up her Christmas lights. My hubby has other obligations, but he let her know that he would be able to do it for her on the 17th. She starts griping about how it's too late and he is waiting too long to put them up for her. My DH doesn't mind helping her when she needs it, but she relies on him for pretty much everything so that she can get free labor... which is fine... but she needs to realize that if she is going to do that then she needs to realize that she can't get things done on her terms. 
    LemmyRNjessiedee13
  • babykasperbabykasper
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    edited December 2015
    After typing a short story with my vent... I decided it wasn't worth it. Thanks for listening anyway! :)
  • jessiedee13jessiedee13
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    edited December 2015
    LemmyRN said:

    @jessiedee13 that is a really tough situation and it's terrible to have to deal with all that drama while trying to grieve.
    Hugs
    Your parents are being very manipulative. Hopefully the rest of the family has critical thinking abilities and will be able to see through the lies. I would be protective of your grandmother when she does receive the money. My grandma was distraught when she lost my grandpa and had one of my aunts purchase furniture for her new house, doing my grandma a favor. DH and I just barely heard (this year) that the aunt spent over $25,000 of grandmas money to do that... Which makes NO sense at all based on what was purchased, and is super fishy. That happened well over 10 yrs ago so nothing can be done.

    Omg! $25,000! That's so much! And that's awful! My grandma has her head on so much straighter than the rest of us, which I'm thankful for. My parents have been taking her everywhereyes she needs to go (she's doesn't drive and I don't live close enough for her liking ...aka out of the way to the grocery store ...to let me help) so I'm afraid that she's going to feel like she owes them something for it, because that's the kind of woman she is. And I can't help but think they're only doing it for an eventual pay off, which makes me feel like a shitty human :( it's just too much drama for me...especially right now.

    Edit to add: hit the nail on the head with the word "manipulative". I'm used to the manipulation, and have become very wise to it, as have my one aunt and a couple cousins. It's everyone else that makes me nervous. My aunt has reassured me it's a non issue, but Ive seen first hand how easily people fall for it too many times.
    LemmyRN
  •  My Grandpa (moms dad) died last month (ok so a little background). Every since them my parents have been giving me alot of shit for not calling them every day (something I've never ever done) to make sure "they're doing ok with their loss". I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I was raised by my grandparents, and while they're yelling at me for not checking on them, they never bother to ask how I'm doing (which is not well, I might add). 

    *******

    I am so sorry for your loss. And for your parents not recognizing your needs. 

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    LemmyRN
  • Aquinna82 said:
    yogahh said:
    Here's a fun story that just happened- and a glimpse into moms head. She is in Disney world. Alone for 5 days. She calls this afternoon as I'm napping. I answer, hear nothing and say hello twice. She finally just says hi, but sounds flustered like maybe she was butt dialing and just heard me. Then says nothing else. I go, "so what's up". Maybe I was cranky, because you know, I'm sleeping and I hate this back and forth on the phone stuff. She acts like a child says "never mind, I just thought it would be nice to talk to some one" (guess she's lonely), hangs up and turns off her phone. So now she is the victim... Again... And I'm feeling guilty.

    A few things...1st, after this example, I'd totally tell her that the holidays are not going to work this year if I were you.  For what it's worth, it's also our 1st Christmas as a married couple & prego & we don't want either set of in-laws around.  You need to take some time to be with each other.  And I would have said this BEFORE reading your example...but after that illustration, yeah. Nope.  See you in January Mom.  So, ok, 2nd...your story itself.  Please stop feeling guilty because the extent of your dialog, "hello," and "so what's up" are perfectly reasonable things to say to a person who calls you and then says literally nothing when you answer the phone.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say they are mandatory things to say to any person who calls you and doesn't then initiate a conversation.  IMO.

    3rd...and this is neither here nor there but...Disney for 5 days alone? Um...why??
    Thanks. I needed that. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am looking too deep into the situation and thinking maybe I don't have a reason to be upset. She did end up calling me back, and you know, never once apologized for acting like a child. I guess it is to be expected.

    She has always been really independent. She did a cruise alone about 15 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if she does these things to make people feel bad for her? It still gets me that she complained about having to spend $2000 to come to my DW wedding in Jamaica, but can drop money on trips to Disney....

    cat fail animated GIF

  • @yogahh your mom sounds like a peach. And that annoys me. I'm sorry she puts you on guilt trips. Parents are so good at that. Idk if it'd always intentional or what, but it happens alot I think. I'd be firm, but kind to her as pps have said. Just hey mom, I'd love to see you but i have so many plans that weekend we wouldn't even get to actually spend quality time together. I want to come see you in January when we can have a decent amount of time together.

    Just a suggestion. I'm better at helping other people handle these things than I could actually handle them myself. I hope it all works out and your mom doesn't make you feel about a decision that is in the best interest of your growing family.
    yogahh
  • jessiedee13jessiedee13
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    edited December 2015
    Oh @LemmyRN you took the words out of my mouth. Literally. I've definitely already severely limited their contact with my children for previous issues. It's currently only family parties.
    I'm prepared for the fight. I have to be. I do think they believe their own lies, and that scares me. We fight almost every time we see each other. And that's not healthy for anyone. Especially with the whole "I'm pregnant" thing. I'm just praying for a nice Christmas celebration. And I'm so thankful I have people to back me up. And I'm even more thankful for my husband. He is such a rock in all this.
    LemmyRNdshannah
  • So sorry you guys have to deal with this.   :(

    @jessiedee13 ; Does your grandma own her house?  She could take out a line of credit at a local bank/credit union to act as a safety net before the life insurance proceeds arrive.  Also, there is a good chance her survivor benefit from Social Security is larger than her personal benefit.  If that's the case, make sure she gets that switched over.
    LemmyRNJenly17
  • @js8812 She does own her house. She can't do any of that though because technically it's grandpa's house (everything was always in his name) and she can't do anything until all of that official "yes he's really dead now everything is hers" stuff is over. She's still getting grandpa's social security and she'll continue to get his pension as well. The problem is the never ending hospital bills as well as the long term care facility being jerkfaces.

    She's not close to having anything shut off or anything like that. Just late on a couple bills (which she's never been in her 56 years of marriage so she's freaked about it). When Grandma freaks, the family freaks, you know?

    Was a great suggestion though, I'll definitely have to see if she's getting the maximum social security she is entitled to. And just continue praying the life insurance either comes in soon or the long term care facility (which grandpa was at for 1 day before he died) lays off. I wanna go punch them.
    js8812amscape
  • @jessiedee13 have you tried giving the long term facility a verbal bitch-slap?  Something calm but forceful, such as "I'm sure that you are aware that life insurance payments are not instantaneous, particularly in light of the business you're in here.  As soon as the paperwork comes through you will be paid...but you're causing my Grandmother a lot of undue stress on top of the loss of her husband."  Since they are simply debt-collectors at this point, you could maybe invite them to check in once every 2 weeks at an agreed upon time, to check the status of the payment.  If not, maybe let them know she's considering hiring an attorney to communicate with them as her proxy since they are causing her so much stress.  That might be enough to get them to wait a little more patiently. 
    LemmyRNjs8812dshannahhepburnrules
  • @Aquinna82 this particular long term care facility is known for being dick heads. I pleaded with grandma not to send him there. Attorneys don't scare them, unfortunately I've dealt with this place before. My one uncle is trying, since his inlaws were there for years and they had no trouble at all with them. Hopefully he gets through to them. Or at least gets them to leave her alone until Christmas is over.

    I can't see the bill being an overly large amount either since he arrived there Friday at 5pm and died saturday at 11pm. So they can just chill the heck out.
    LemmyRN
  • @jessiedee13 I know I don't have to tell you this, but that's horrible.  ESPECIALLY since they are the business that they are.  How can you be in the business of offering support and compassion at the end of life and then turn around and be assholes about the money.  Particularly when you know insurance is involved...insurance almost never moves quickly.  I'm sorry for all that you're going through.  If it helps, I now hate them too on your behalf, so they are extra hated today :)
    LemmyRNjessiedee13js8812DutchLucyLu
  • @Aquinna82 maybe they'll feel the extra hatred and back off ;) lol gotta laugh to keep from crying I tell ya! (Although trust me, I do my fair share of crying too!)
  • @emma+karen I completely agree about unwanted pop in's. My MIL used to drop by to drop off food, or diapers, or x,y,z. "Not to see DD" just stopping by..then would proceed to come in during nap time and stay for an hour or 2 while I'm trying to enjoy MY catch up time while DD sleeps. They're the worst. I have since stopped answering the door of I'm not expecting anyone. I figure that if you don't have the courtesy to call or text in advance, than I'm not going to go out my way to play hostess when you drop by.

    @jessiedee13 I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. If it's any consolation to you, it seems like so many of us have manipulative family/people in our lives. I love that we can all commiserate and band together in the tough times. Big hugs to you, girl.
    jessiedee13LemmyRNAquinna82
  • My SIL is a joke. Every year for Christmas we get together and the adults play either white elephant or we do secret Santa instead of buying everyone an individual gift. And every year her and her husband complain about not having money and how they'll have to opt out. But all during the year she talks about how her H has gotten this and that promotion and raise and proceeds to spend all sorts of money and gifts and gadgets for themselves and their kids... Which is cool and all but you can't spend $20 each for a gift for someone else? I can understand if you're tight on money but they are straight up greedy.

    Another example: Last Christmas SIL and her H invited the family to Knotts Berry Farm because her H got discounts thru his work. Well for some reason we had ordered an extra one and ended returning it and found out that SIL and her H had pocketed 5 bucks from each ticket... that was like $25 from just my family. Well, we calculated it all out and the family paid for SIL, her H, and their kids trip and there wasn't a special discount. They only invited all of us to go with them so that we would pay for them.
    DS #1 2010
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    DS #4 2016
    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • @Jenly17 I also love that we can just band together over whatever difficult things we're going through. Sometimes love from strangers is the best!
    Aquinna82Jenly17
  • @jessiedee13

    Another option: before Christmas, go visit your grandmother and bake things for her, or do something similar to de-stress her. You might not have money to fix her anxiety, but your presence will certainly help.

    And then you can skip Christmas and no matter what smack your parents talk, the important person, your grandmother, will know the truth.
    Aquinna82jessiedee13LemmyRNamscape
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