Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws - Page 4 — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

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Re: Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

  • I was up all night, drafting my reply to my mom in my head. I sent it, and I have to say, it feels good. Whether or not it gets through to her I cannot guarantee, but its off my chest and I can go into the holiday week with a clear conscience that I said how I feel and after that the balls in her court. I did tell her though that I cannot allow my child around her until she sees someone for her anger issues. Not only that, she is a HUGE bigot. I told her I worry my child will say he is gay someday and she will disown him. Hopefully she sees that my decision her has nothing to do with DH and her not getting along, but has everything to do with my unborn child and the family I am starting.

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    Aquinna82amscape
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  • dshannahdshannah
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Photogenic
    member
    edited December 2015
    yogahh said:
    I was up all night, drafting my reply to my mom in my head. I sent it, and I have to say, it feels good. Whether or not it gets through to her I cannot guarantee, but its off my chest and I can go into the holiday week with a clear conscience that I said how I feel and after that the balls in her court. I did tell her though that I cannot allow my child around her until she sees someone for her anger issues. Not only that, she is a HUGE bigot. I told her I worry my child will say he is gay someday and she will disown him. Hopefully she sees that my decision her has nothing to do with DH and her not getting along, but has everything to do with my unborn child and the family I am starting.
    So I'm speaking from experience (not mine, for which I am eternally grateful, but so many friends' experiences):  You've written your email and it's off your chest and you should feel (as you do) good about that.  But let that be it. Don't expect anything from her, and don't even hope for anything.  She is not rational on this (on baby, on you, on your husband), and no one makes a turnaround as big as your mom needs to make in any short amount of time. I'm talking years.

    My guess is that she will write back and try to defend herself, no matter what you said, and she will try, with ever-greater urgency, to impinge on your life even more, in any way she can. If she can't be part of your life in the way that she wants, she's going to make sure you can't put her out of your mind.  Don't let her control the situation. Don't engage. Nothing you say is going to prevent her from thinking bad things about you and your husband if she's got that narrative in her head.

    Essentially, she is a troll--don't feed her until she grows up a bit and is no longer a troll. Set a date in your calendar, if you want: no contact until next December, or something.

    Congratulations, and good luck! And try not to lose any more sleep over her:)
    Aquinna82kbrands7LemmyRN
  • yogahhyogahh
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited December 2015
    dshannah said:


    yogahh said:

    I was up all night, drafting my reply to my mom in my head. I sent it, and I have to say, it feels good. Whether or not it gets through to her I cannot guarantee, but its off my chest and I can go into the holiday week with a clear conscience that I said how I feel and after that the balls in her court. I did tell her though that I cannot allow my child around her until she sees someone for her anger issues. Not only that, she is a HUGE bigot. I told her I worry my child will say he is gay someday and she will disown him. Hopefully she sees that my decision her has nothing to do with DH and her not getting along, but has everything to do with my unborn child and the family I am starting.

    So I'm speaking from experience (not mine, for which I am eternally grateful, but so many friends' experiences):  You've written your email and it's off your chest and you should feel (as you do) good about that.  But let that be it. Don't expect anything from her, and don't even hope for anything.  She is not rational on this (on baby, on you, on your husband), and no one makes a turnaround as big as your mom needs to make in any short amount of time. I'm talking years.

    My guess is that she will write back and try to defend herself, no matter what you said, and she will try, with ever-greater urgency, to impinge on your life even more, in any way she can. If she can't be part of your life in the way that she wants, she's going to make sure you can't put her out of your mind.  Don't let her control the situation. Don't engage. Nothing you say is going to prevent her from thinking bad things about you and your husband if she's got that narrative in her head.

    Essentially, she is a troll--don't feed her until she grows up a bit and is no longer a troll. Set a date in your calendar, if you want: no contact until next December, or something.

    Congratulations, and good luck! And try not to lose any more sleep over her:)
    *************


    I told her I don't expect her to apologize or to take any ownership on her actions. I told her that until she is ready to do so, not to contact me. And that she cannot be involved in the babies life until she gets control of her anger. I appreciate your feedback!! This community has been amazing!!

    cat fail animated GIF

    dshannahjewels1020LemmyRNlionstigersbears
  • yogahh said:

    dshannah said:


    yogahh said:

    I was up all night, drafting my reply to my mom in my head. I sent it, and I have to say, it feels good. Whether or not it gets through to her I cannot guarantee, but its off my chest and I can go into the holiday week with a clear conscience that I said how I feel and after that the balls in her court. I did tell her though that I cannot allow my child around her until she sees someone for her anger issues. Not only that, she is a HUGE bigot. I told her I worry my child will say he is gay someday and she will disown him. Hopefully she sees that my decision her has nothing to do with DH and her not getting along, but has everything to do with my unborn child and the family I am starting.

    So I'm speaking from experience (not mine, for which I am eternally grateful, but so many friends' experiences):  You've written your email and it's off your chest and you should feel (as you do) good about that.  But let that be it. Don't expect anything from her, and don't even hope for anything.  She is not rational on this (on baby, on you, on your husband), and no one makes a turnaround as big as your mom needs to make in any short amount of time. I'm talking years.

    My guess is that she will write back and try to defend herself, no matter what you said, and she will try, with ever-greater urgency, to impinge on your life even more, in any way she can. If she can't be part of your life in the way that she wants, she's going to make sure you can't put her out of your mind.  Don't let her control the situation. Don't engage. Nothing you say is going to prevent her from thinking bad things about you and your husband if she's got that narrative in her head.

    Essentially, she is a troll--don't feed her until she grows up a bit and is no longer a troll. Set a date in your calendar, if you want: no contact until next December, or something.

    Congratulations, and good luck! And try not to lose any more sleep over her:)
    *************


    I told her I don't expect her to apologize or to take any ownership on her actions. I told her that until she is ready to do so, not to contact me. And that she cannot be involved in the babies life until she gets control of her anger. I appreciate your feedback!! This community has been amazing!!

    ---In case of QBF---

    Good for you. You've given yourself permission to move forward with your life. Hooray for boundaries and living with a clear conscience!
    kbrands7LemmyRNlionstigersbears
  • @Jenly17 took the words right out of my mouth. Good for you for putting your own needs first! Good luck with everything!
  • yogahh said:


    I told her I don't expect her to apologize or to take any ownership on her actions. I told her that until she is ready to do so, not to contact me. And that she cannot be involved in the babies life until she gets control of her anger. I appreciate your feedback!! This community has been amazing!!

    Yay! But you know she's not going to listen, right? She will email and call and possibly contact mutual friends to make sure you give her the hearing she thinks she deserves but doesn't.

    I've suggested this before, but I'd recommend again: block her email, block her number, and designate a friend as point person to filter (out) messages.

    Toxic people (exes, parents, siblings) don't realize they are toxic, usually, and tend not to listen to rules unless enforced.

    Sorry for the pessimism, but I've seen things like this go in for years, and they just get more and more painful unless someone disengages.

    Best of luck, and happy holidays!
    MercielLemmyRN
  • Here's one.... Should I even address this or is it the hormones talking? Any time MIL comes over to watch our daughter (or anytime before then too I happened to notice this) it seems that she snoops around. She won't flat out say anything about it, but later on there will be comments and I have to think to myself, wait she wouldn't know that unless she looked here... or something to that extent. Is that weird, or is it just a noisy MIL thing to do? I don't necessarily have anything to hide, but it gets petty after a while. It just happened this morning, as last Thursday she babysat for us at our house. She text me just a few minutes ago, and out of the blue asks if we have already bought daughter a Minnie Mouse ride on for Christmas. This came out of no where, as we've said nothing to her about buying this specific item, but I did have it stored in a closet while she was there. Like really...? Should I say something smart-ass-ish back, like 'actually yes, we did how did you know that..?" or just answer like a normal person....so annoying!! 
    LemmyRN
  • swaters14 said:
    Here's one.... Should I even address this or is it the hormones talking? Any time MIL comes over to watch our daughter (or anytime before then too I happened to notice this) it seems that she snoops around. She won't flat out say anything about it, but later on there will be comments and I have to think to myself, wait she wouldn't know that unless she looked here... or something to that extent. Is that weird, or is it just a noisy MIL thing to do? I don't necessarily have anything to hide, but it gets petty after a while. It just happened this morning, as last Thursday she babysat for us at our house. She text me just a few minutes ago, and out of the blue asks if we have already bought daughter a Minnie Mouse ride on for Christmas. This came out of no where, as we've said nothing to her about buying this specific item, but I did have it stored in a closet while she was there. Like really...? Should I say something smart-ass-ish back, like 'actually yes, we did how did you know that..?" or just answer like a normal person....so annoying!! 
    Snooping is not normal for any decent person to do, MIL or not. I'd find a way to say something.

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  • Does your husband acknowledge that she's a snooper?  I agree with you that I don't have anything to hide, but I wouldn't appreciate my own mother (or anyone) looking in drawers or closets just for fun.  How nosy!
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  • Yes, he sees it as well and thinks it's weird. I did say to the effect of "actually yes I did get her the Minnie ATV; were you thinking of buying one, or did you happen to see one?" and she goes into a rambling answer of "well I thought it would be a good idea, but I wasn't sure, and I don't want to end up buying duplicates because blah blah... and I know YOUR parents like to buy her the big gifts like that, and I'm not sure what will be good enough from me...." REALLY??? 
    So she is just using this as a pity party? (typical her) & has yet to say anything about 'yes I saw you have already bought one'. Honestly, makes no sense. 

    LemmyRN
  • I preface this with saying we are EXTREMELY grateful-- but also stressed with the situation. Even before finding out we were expecting, we were ready to find a new place. This one no longer suits our needs, and especially not with a baby. DH got a new job just before that, and we were contemplating the possibility of buying this time. We waited until he settled in at the new job, and then at Thanksgiving, mentioned we were ready to start looking into a buying new place if we could afford it, and maybe my inlaws would like to help us look? My MIL actually enjoys that sort of thing, and did the same for her oldest son. So it was more a vague possibility than even a request. We barely stepped off the return flight before we were getting insistent messages to look at this one and that one, and DH still needed to meet with the financial people our realtor and such! My FIL is determined to make sure we get a good place and "help with the down payment" which is overwhelmingly kind, but also extremely stressful for DH because getting preapproval is complicated without exact numbers... And finding out what "help with the down payment" means (tactfully) is hard. They are very well off, but we don't want to expect to much. But then the places they want us to look at would require a LOT of help. But maybe they intend to give it? I don't know. They are coming out early for the holidays (tonight!) to help look, and I'm nervous. All of this help is so so so very appreciated, but faster pace than we were ready for, and navigating it is tricky. DH is losing sleep over it.

    Oh, and our place is still a mess, and hospitality is always a nightmare bordering on panic attack for me. Not my strong point. They are staying in a hotel nearby since we don't have a guest room here, but they still might come in. Aaaaaaah!
    LemmyRN
  • swaters14 said:

    Here's one.... Should I even address this or is it the hormones talking? Any time MIL comes over to watch our daughter (or anytime before then too I happened to notice this) it seems that she snoops around. She won't flat out say anything about it, but later on there will be comments and I have to think to myself, wait she wouldn't know that unless she looked here... or something to that extent. Is that weird, or is it just a noisy MIL thing to do? I don't necessarily have anything to hide, but it gets petty after a while. It just happened this morning, as last Thursday she babysat for us at our house. She text me just a few minutes ago, and out of the blue asks if we have already bought daughter a Minnie Mouse ride on for Christmas. This came out of no where, as we've said nothing to her about buying this specific item, but I did have it stored in a closet while she was there. Like really...? Should I say something smart-ass-ish back, like 'actually yes, we did how did you know that..?" or just answer like a normal person....so annoying!! 

    Put up a camera. You can use a computer/laptop, tablet, old smartphone, etc. There are a bunch of different apps (I like manything and cameo) that will record when movement is detected and send the video live to your phone. You don't even need to confront her with the evidence, but you'll know for sure if she's snooping and can answer her questions accordingly.
    Jules5611
  • Brother-in-law, so it counts. He sends us something for Christmas (after we said please no gifts, we are expecting twins and won't be doing more than sending cards) and the gift message says:

    "I love Jesus. I hope your family finds him someday."

    Wtf?!
    LemmyRNbusinessmamaCharla1224Kennedy0830
  • @khochanadel
    Whaaaat! That is so funny! I really did laugh.

    Sounds like your brother in law is being a Drama Queen!
    I don't know any backstory, but I'm pretty sure if there is one it'll be entertaining.
    You should mail him back this.


    image
    businessmamaamscape
  • I preface this with saying we are EXTREMELY grateful-- but also stressed with the situation. Even before finding out we were expecting, we were ready to find a new place. This one no longer suits our needs, and especially not with a baby. DH got a new job just before that, and we were contemplating the possibility of buying this time. We waited until he settled in at the new job, and then at Thanksgiving, mentioned we were ready to start looking into a buying new place if we could afford it, and maybe my inlaws would like to help us look? My MIL actually enjoys that sort of thing, and did the same for her oldest son. So it was more a vague possibility than even a request. We barely stepped off the return flight before we were getting insistent messages to look at this one and that one, and DH still needed to meet with the financial people our realtor and such! My FIL is determined to make sure we get a good place and "help with the down payment" which is overwhelmingly kind, but also extremely stressful for DH because getting preapproval is complicated without exact numbers... And finding out what "help with the down payment" means (tactfully) is hard. They are very well off, but we don't want to expect to much. But then the places they want us to look at would require a LOT of help. But maybe they intend to give it? I don't know. They are coming out early for the holidays (tonight!) to help look, and I'm nervous. All of this help is so so so very appreciated, but faster pace than we were ready for, and navigating it is tricky. DH is losing sleep over it.

    Oh, and our place is still a mess, and hospitality is always a nightmare bordering on panic attack for me. Not my strong point. They are staying in a hotel nearby since we don't have a guest room here, but they still might come in. Aaaaaaah!


    No harm in being honest with your in-laws!!!!

    You are so grateful, but this is all new for you and you need to take it slower.

    They sound like awesome people who will totally get it.
    kbrands7LemmyRNCharissadeatsamscape
  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2015
    @Cassandramariec

    Coming from a similar situation (on my side) I would do a budget and be honest with them what you could afford.

    My parents were keen on us buying in the estate where they live and where my older sister now lives with her DH as well. They gave as a downpayment, but the houses were a little out of our price range. We settled for a smaller house in a different estate, but still close enough. Everyone is happy.

    Try showing them a couple in your price range - and then do a couple that they like. If their options are way out of your price range, you could tell them that you can only afford a place of X amount and that you would need Y amount as a down payment in order to afford a more expensive one. Tell them that you don't have Y amount and that you cannot expect them (cause you're not) to give all that.

    That way, they can see what you will need financially, and the choice is theirs if they want to help out with that amount or not.

    Maybe your DH can get pre-approval on an amount you know you can afford? (not sure how the US works with mortgages)

    Honesty is the best policy - if you are honest, they might also be (in what way they are willing to help) and who knows, you might just get your dream home in the process :)

    Enjoy it!! Buying a house can be fun (and exhausting)!

    Good Luck and keep us updated!

    Edit: basically what @Aquinna82 said
    Aquinna82LemmyRN
  • edited December 2015
    So follow up on the house buying in-law stress. We had dinner with them, and his grandmother and little brother, so... We couldn't bring up concerns, just review the possibilities the realtor sent with us, and with our optimistic hats on. Not the time to make waves! Our food arrived before we finished, and so the conversation was put on hold until later that evening.

    We finished reviewing the possibilities, and his mom was writing down things to look for on appointments tomorrow (DH has meetings all day, and I have only part of the day free, so they may see some without us) and FIL asked if the one question we had about the first choice home was answered acceptably, would we be ready to put in an offer tomorrow? Moment of panic, and DH calmly said something along the lines of if we used our savings we could put down such and such amount (little brother still in the room, so again, treading carefully) and unless DH and I had joint auditory hallucinations, I'm pretty sure his FIL said that we were not to worry about down payment at all. We are stunned. We had no thought that "help" could even approach that. I don't cry easily, but I felt close to it once it sank in. And now. I'm still in disbelief.

    And I feel awful for being annoyed at the pace and the stress. Mind blown.
    CharissadeatsdshannahLemmyRNJules5611
  • Well that's awesome!!
  • Brother-in-law, so it counts. He sends us something for Christmas (after we said please no gifts, we are expecting twins and won't be doing more than sending cards) and the gift message says:

    "I love Jesus. I hope your family finds him someday."

    Wtf?!

    Whaaaaa??? I'm not sure if I should be pissed off for you, or if I should laugh. What a jerk.

    cat fail animated GIF

    LemmyRNamscape
  • Brother-in-law, so it counts. He sends us something for Christmas (after we said please no gifts, we are expecting twins and won't be doing more than sending cards) and the gift message says: "I love Jesus. I hope your family finds him someday." Wtf?!
    As a Christian, I can appreciate his heart behind the card. But that is sooooooooo not the way to go about things. I read this to DH last night and he was like, "Um, wow! That's....special." lol

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    LemmyRN
  • So this is about my sister...
    We have always been close my whole life but the last couple years with her living in Washington state and me in Virginia of course we're not ad close which is fine... however she's going thru a weird situation with her was fiancé now girlfriend (it's a really long story of what they are going thru which I'm mentioning for back story; so With my sister being lesbian it's not as easy for her to get pregnant and she desperately wants to have a child of her own(I understand that part totally she's gonna be a great mom when it happens) but this last summer I guess she had tried to get pregnant for a couple months and it didn't happen then comes August and her relationship goes on the rocks due to her partner wanting to be wild and free (at 30 with 3 kids of her own) pretty much wanted my sister but other females as well(mind you they had been together 3 years) and that's not how my sister works... NOW TO MY REAL RANT well since her problems started in august and I got pregnant in September, though I've been there for her and very supportive of her thru this situation, I hate to say it but I feel like she might be jealous or envious of me being pregnant but I wasn't rubbing in her face nor blasting it all over social media, but she hasn't been very supportive of me or even acts like she wants to know anything about the baby, well before we found out we were having a boy (which I've always wanted) she would constantly call the baby a girl and her niece and what not which didn't bug me to much but then when I told her the name we chose if it was a girl she made fun of it like really bad.. well I put my foot down and told her it didn't matter what she thought that the name we chose would be the name the baby gets she got mad and finally said Well I hope you have a boy for its sake then and got off the phone well yesterday we found out its a healthy baby boy and I told her and her ONLY response was THANK GOD, now you can't name it Leona, which is the female Shrek name, glad we dodged that bullet! LOL my reply was FIONA was the female Shrek and it's a new day an age Leona could be his middle name so back off! (I'm not using Leona as a part of my son's name but I was trying to get a point across to her) anyway she really just hurt my feelings and didn't seem excited at all that she was going to have a nephew! I'm almost at the done point and just not going to be talking to her till her attitude changes.. but then I know she's going thru a lot so idk blah

    Whew that felt good to get out!
    LemmyRNAquinna82Pascal86
  • LemmyRN said:
    @khochanadel Whaaaat! That is so funny! I really did laugh. Sounds like your brother in law is being a Drama Queen! I don't know any backstory, but I'm pretty sure if there is one it'll be entertaining. You should mail him back this.
    He is ALWAYS a drama queen. I laughed too, but I'm still like WTF. It sounds like something a parent would say, not a sibling.
    LemmyRNjewels1020
  • OMG, ya'll, I can't even. 

    BIL and his wife flew in last night to Boston, where the plan was to stay with my FIL and then drive down to us in CT for Christmas Eve.  We had been VERY CLEAR with my FIL about coming on CHRISTMAS EVE.  I have work today, followed by a doctor appointment, and my wife is enjoying probably the only day she'll get entirely to herself this entire year.  We repeated over and over again, "See you Christmas Eve!"  Side note, here: you have to be very clear with my FIL in all things.  He is incredibly indecisive and waffley and we've both found it's best to just go ahead and make decisions for him about things like travel plans and getting together (and what restaurant to eat at and where to sit at the dinner table and...)

    Well, apparently, BIL never got the "see you Christmas Eve" memo.  So first my FIL texts last night, "(BIL) says they thought we were coming down tomorrow.  Do you want us to come Thursday?" Um, DUH!  We only told you like, 100 times!  And then my BIL calls and talks to my wife and she can NEVER say no to her family so now they are coming tonight.  We are at least able to hold them off until dinner time.  But we have had NO time to clean or prepare the guest beds or have, like, a MOMENT to ourselves, just the two of us.  But of course, I'm the mean nasty witch if I say that I don't want them to come until Thursday LIKE WE HAD PLANNED!  So now because I have to work, my wife has to cut her day to herself short to go home and finish all the cleaning (we did manage to get some done last night after they texted/called) and I feel terrible because it's all stuff that I was planning to take care of when I got home this afternoon after my doctor appointment.  And there would have been plenty of time for all of it if FIL had the cojones to say, "They're not expecting us till Thursday, so we're going down on Thursday."  But no.   He has to waffle and be indecisive and pretend like he never got clear messaging from us about when we were expecting them.

    And I can't even have any wine.  :(

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  • @emma+karen
    Girl I feel you! Heavenly elixir of the Gods! Come on May!

    Perhaps your FIL has some kind of social or general anxiety; I remember you mentioning that most of the time he's awkward.
    image
  • LemmyRN said:
    @emma+karen Girl I feel you! Heavenly elixir of the Gods! Come on May! Perhaps your FIL has some kind of social or general anxiety; I remember you mentioning that most of the time he's awkward
    Yeah, he's super awkward.  My wife at least readily admits that.  But she still has both her dad and brother up on a pedestal where I'm not allowed to say a thing about how the awkwardness bothers me.  There's also this weird vibe in their family of "no one wants to upset anyone so no one says what they want and then no one gets what they want."  Even talking about getting take-out after we found out they were coming, I suggested Thai food and my wife was like, "Well, our Thai place isn't as good as the ones he's used to going to..." I can't even.  I pulled the pregnancy card--the pregnant lady wants Thai food!! 

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  • emma+karen  oh not cool!  I would be frustrated - my hubby and I are very much looking forward to a quiet night tonight before a busy Christmas holiday!

    Ok, I love my family and my in-laws, but just this one thing I need to get off my chest.  DH's aunt hosts Christmas Eve, and we are all going...except FIL and MIL because MIL and aunt aren't speaking.  They are sisters.  I'm sad to see that MIL is missing out on seeing the twins sit on Santa's lap (who comes to this party), especially because we only spend every other Christmas with MIL!  Get over it already!!  sorry I just needed to let that out.
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    LemmyRNAquinna82khochanadel

  • LemmyRN said:

    @emma+karen
    Girl I feel you! Heavenly elixir of the Gods! Come on May!

    Perhaps your FIL has some kind of social or general anxiety; I remember you mentioning that most of the time he's awkward

    Yeah, he's super awkward.  My wife at least readily admits that.  But she still has both her dad and brother up on a pedestal where I'm not allowed to say a thing about how the awkwardness bothers me.  There's also this weird vibe in their family of "no one wants to upset anyone so no one says what they want and then no one gets what they want."  Even talking about getting take-out after we found out they were coming, I suggested Thai food and my wife was like, "Well, our Thai place isn't as good as the ones he's used to going to..." I can't even.  I pulled the pregnancy card--the pregnant lady wants Thai food!! 

    @emma+karen ugh that's the worst, I'm sorry. But thank you for posting that because it actually makes me realize that DH probably feels the exact same way about my family and I need to do something nice for him since we are already at my dad's and he's deep in the thick of the craziness. Your FIL and my dad sound similar and I also have a major problem telling people (family in particular) no. Hope you guys get a minute to yourselves, trying to carve our ours to carry us over the next few days!
    LemmyRN
  • I just need to bitch for a minute, and it always feels good to get it out here!

    Interesting to me how much my "mother" has tried to repair the relationship. She was really quick to send me that email about how horrible I am, and to cut me off on facebook. Guess she really cares, huh? I'm not even sad anymore- I am PISSED.

    Also, I realized something last night that I meant to include in my reply to her and didn't. She said in her scathing email to me that I "never make the effort to visit".Twice this year I mentioned coming home and both times she told me to "save my money". So what is it? Does she want me to come home to visit or not? Or was that just another ploy to be able to manipulate the situation later?

    GRRRR... I am sitting here stewing right now. Here I am, feeling guilty, and she has literally cut off all communication. What a beotch!

    cat fail animated GIF

    LemmyRNkbrands7
  • @yogahh How much money did you save by not visiting her twice? Sounds like you need to forget about her, take all that money you saved, and...



    Unicorn522amscapeemma+karen
  • Just rcvd n email saying "sorry our relationship has gotten out of hand. I love you. Merry Christmas"

    cat fail animated GIF

    michelle_shelle
  • yogahh said:

    Just rcvd n email saying "sorry our relationship has gotten out of hand. I love you. Merry Christmas"

    That was more civil than I was expecting. Does it help at all?
  • Aquinna82 said:

    yogahh said:

    Just rcvd n email saying "sorry our relationship has gotten out of hand. I love you. Merry Christmas"

    That was more civil than I was expecting. Does it help at all?
    Honestly, no. She still won't apologize for her actions. And I'm wondering if it's another manipulation or not. Once you have that so ingrained in your head, you question everything..

    cat fail animated GIF

  • yogahh said:
    Just rcvd n email saying "sorry our relationship has gotten out of hand. I love you. Merry Christmas"
    That was more civil than I was expecting. Does it help at all?
    Honestly, no. She still won't apologize for her actions. And I'm wondering if it's another manipulation or not. Once you have that so ingrained in your head, you question everything..
    @yogahh, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but your mother is clearly so embroiled in her own delusions of persecution that she is absolutely useless as a relational human being. Every contact she has with you is about her, including the deprivation of contact/

    You cannot expect or want anything from her; you should take control and cut her from your life--including all contact and even *thinking* about her.

    To do the latter I have two recommendations:
    1. Don't talk about her for a week. Every time you want to, make a short note in a notebook and then out it aside, and wait for (maybe Twatwaffle Tuesday) and let it all out. Do this for a few weeks, then move to a month.  After not talking about her for 5 months, you will stop thinking about her except in exceptional circumstances. I don't know why 5 months is the magic number, it just is. (This was my friend's trick for mentally abusive exes, which worked for me in that context and has worked for another few friends with abusive family members).

    2. Every time she pops into your head, start listing things you're grateful for until you feel better. In particularly rough times, I'll get down to "escalators" and "pickle jars" and "that particular shade of green" before I start to laugh, but nothing has ever made me feel more grounded than that one little exercise.


    businessmamaAquinna82lionstigersbears
  • @yogahh I know I always seem to be coming from the other side of this but is there no part of you that thinks she may be genuine? Some people will never accept their mistakes and it then is your choice how you go forward. People have all sorts of emotional issues which can stop their empathy and understanding but it doesn't necessarily make them bad people.
    I am not saying her behaviour is acceptable. I am saying that she may be one of those people that will never accept her being wrong and then it's to you what to do but you waste your time waiting for this to happen.
    I know you know this from previous postings..
    BUT.. she has sent this apology, and she does seem to be trying as much as her abilities allow...
    Can you bring yourself to forget and start afresh or are you done are your options I guess?
  • salbb said:
    @yogahh I know I always seem to be coming from the other side of this but is there no part of you that thinks she may be genuine? Some people will never accept their mistakes and it then is your choice how you go forward. People have all sorts of emotional issues which can stop their empathy and understanding but it doesn't necessarily make them bad people. I am not saying her behaviour is acceptable. I am saying that she may be one of those people that will never accept her being wrong and then it's to you what to do but you waste your time waiting for this to happen. I know you know this from previous postings.. BUT.. she has sent this apology, and she does seem to be trying as much as her abilities allow... Can you bring yourself to forget and start afresh or are you done are your options I guess?

    Why am I the one to always have to forgive and forget?? Why cant she say I am sorry I treated you like shit? I don't find that email and "apology". If I continue to put my feelings aside, she will continue to act the way she has. I have allowed it to set a precedent.
    I had the same issues with my dad. He was a deadbeat dad. Would say he was picking me up then "forget". When I was in high school he was arrested and started to do drugs. In college, we started to talk again until one day he just stopped. I called him and he had his son pretend I had the wrong number. At his funeral, my stepmother told me I should have "tried again". My mom said I tried enough, and why should I be the only one trying. I feel that the same piece of advise can be used here.
    I do hear you though. Especially at Christmas. I might call her tomorrow, just to wish her a happy holiday, and tell her we can talk after the new year.

    cat fail animated GIF

    LemmyRNlalala2004
  • @yogahh honestly I do get it and feel bad for you, some people are life's takers and sometimes we just have to try and be the better person. But it sucks, it 100% sucks and is easier from a distance to dish all this out and hard when it's you getting your feelings trampled on.
    I love that you may call her tho. I really really really hope she isn't shitty.
    Now go and make all your fab cookie things for tomorrow!!! Ho Ho and all that!
    lionstigersbears
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