Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws — The Bump
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Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

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Re: Holiday Edition! Problematic Parents/In-laws

  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2015
    Jaaay! So happy for this cause I need to VENT.

    Family wanting money.

    Where do we draw the line?! Sick of getting contacted only when people need money from us - like our accounts are always available to them...

    Or worse, when they hint at money, but don't ask for it, and make you feel selfish!

    Need advise. Baby is on its way and not fair on us anymore.
    proudparent2b
  • @charissadeats Would you and your DH be open to Al-Anon? It's a great resource for family members of addicts. I'd also check out Toby Rice Drews' books, they are about dealing with addicts (and are absolutely fantastic!)
    Charissadeats
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  • @TheThornBird I changed my comment for personal reasons but the addict part is very relevant. I am from South Africa, but will see if there is something similar for us here. Will check out the books though.
    Very heartsore for the family, but so frustrated at the same time. Everything is about money and it's driving me up the walls!
  • @charissadeats I would just be honest. Kids are very expensive. I think when it comes to family asking you for money, honesty is the best policy. I would say something like "I'm sorry but money is tight for us. Any extra money we have after paying our bills is going into a savings account that we opened up for LO." If asked you can provide expenses if you see necessary, like " a crib costs x amount, diapers for a year, x amount..." Good luck to you. That's a tough position to be in.
    kbrands7
  • "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud is a good book too, for everyone dealing with family members who have boundary issues (financial and not).

    Glad my family are nice and far away. DH and I had thanksgiving to ourselves this year, but we're seeing in laws this coming weekend. I'll need many many sources of strength.

    My father had another stroke over the holiday, and they found he has been having several mini strokes since the last one he was hospitalized with. I know I shouldn't think this way, but all I can keep thinking is what if he dies and I'm too pregnant to travel?
    UseTheTriforce94
  • Ok this is not my in laws, but my sister really pissed me off today and I need somewhere to vent. She texted me asking if I got her a gift for Christmas already, I replied asking why and she proceeded to say bc I want something. I then said too late and then she said, did you get me the brown boots? Because I don't need them anymore. Really? You asked for the boots, I got them for you. You then ask if I got you something and I said "too late" that should already hint that your gift has been already purchased and you should say ok thanks! But instead you now sound ungreatful and you're pissing me off. Then when I note that what she is saying is pretty annoying she calls me dramatic. I'm sorry, but I thought Christmas gifts were not an obligation. If I'm being dramatic then she's being ungrateful.
    LemmyRNkimbirain
  • @TheThornBird I changed my comment for personal reasons but the addict part is very relevant. I am from South Africa, but will see if there is something similar for us here. Will check out the books though. Very heartsore for the family, but so frustrated at the same time. Everything is about money and it's driving me up the walls!
      I didn't get to read the part about addicts but my mom is one and has been for over 20 years. I didn't have contact with her when I got pg with DD and she didn't meet DD until she was 6 mos. I constantly had to adjust my life to clean up her messes as far back as I remember (probably about 5 years old). It was very empowering to break off contact for a while and i was even able to celebrate my finally being pg with DD without having her decide to do something to direct attention back on her. I became stronger and better (which was awesome since i was becoming a new mom) when I decided to take a few steps back and focus on my life. I don't know if this helps at all. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk :)
    image
    Been married since 2009.
    Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
    Several MCs
    DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)



    CharissadeatsLemmyRN
  • RaquelFryRaquelFry
    100 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Photogenic
    member
    edited November 2015
    Ugh...need to vent.
    I am so glad to be home from seeing family.
    My parents told us they were buying a crib and changing table of our choice. I was excited. We picked very modest items. We are very laid back and thankful for any help we get from family. Being first time parents, and older (31 and 30), we have no expectations of help. I'm not sure if I want a baby shower. Being the 6th of 6 children, it is a tradition that they provided to each first grandchild. I felt rude to break the tradition.
    My husband's mother asked what we discussed with my parents. He harmlessly mentioned that they were buying those particular items. She looked at us extremely offended. (Last time I checked, there is no better grandparent award). We try to diffuse the situation by offering another larger item we wished for. We showed her the brand of cloth diapers we are planning on using. She looks at us us again, completely insulted and goes on a rant of how expensive our request is. (For the record, the diapers are cheaper than what my parents spent.)
    Then she proceeds to drill us for Christmas gift ideas. We mention again, we did not want anything, and they could use what they wanted to spend on us, to turn and spend it on the baby. Again, not what she wanted to hear. She got upset. We don't need anything.
    And on top of that she gave us organic cotton baby clothes and a fancy baby toy she bought at a boutique. We are greatful for the gesture, but again, you bought organic cotton baby products, from a boutique. Those cannot be cheap!
    I guess grandparents want to be the cool grandparent, and diapers are not as cool as furniture.
    Seriously, I don't understand her. I can't win. It just sucks that one person can suck the joy and excitement out of everything. I just wanted to go home, visit family, have my belly overly violated, eat some turkey and relax in peace.
    And...the best part of the weekend, they filled their house with guests, and we have a second option for a place to stay. We opted to leave the last night of our stay so my husband's sister had a bed to sleep in. We felt everyone deserved to sleep in a bed, so we moved venues. His mom was so upset. We were trying to be polite since we had options and no one else did. Seriously, I can't win with this lady. (They're planning on downsizing by next holiday season. My husband mentions the lack of space now for family, that they cannot be upset if they're setting themselves up for no one to stay. I mean, next holiday therell be a baby! Where are we supposed to put it? You guessed it, she didn't like that!)

    I edited it to add the loving living situation, and future state!
    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • My parents in law are fantastic. They stay out of our business and really are very thoughtful about visiting etc. I have been very happy with them and as such have invited mother in law to the birth. My mum however could not care less. Not one of my three sisters has called type congratulate me and my mum is acting like asking me about the pregnancy is a chore. It's really really hurtful. I'm meant to be visiting them for Christmas which will cost a lot of money but I really feel like I shouldn't bother.
    LemmyRN
  • RaquelFry You're MIL sounds like a loonie, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would tell your DH not to tell his mom about what your parents do for your guys & your LO if it's a point of tension. If she asks what you want just stick to "we don't need anything but something off our registry or baby necessities would always be appreciated" in case she wants to poo poo any of your ideas. 


    My DH does not get along with my dad, who was in town this weekend. Granted it's never fun to have parents staying with you and my dad isn't the easiest to get a long with. My DH acts happy all day and they goes off on me about how annoyed he is. Which results in a big fight. I want to tell him to suck it up and get over it since he visits a few times a year. I just can't deal with any more drama on top of being pregnant. I feel like DH is being selfish and not taking how I'm doing into account.    
    RaquelFryLemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • My MIL started crying in front of her siblings and family saying that my mom will get to spend time with LO more often then she will. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for her to make this assumption. Both my parents and H's parents live 25-30 min away from us. We see each of them equally. Never have H and/or I missed a dinner, holiday, or family event she's invited us to. She's making this idea up in her head and running with it. How the hell am I suppose to counter argue a made up idea?

    I tried to explain to H that I think this is all extremely manipulative and self centered. She's making it so that we'll measure the time and be concerned about it being balanced, where we wouldn't have if she didn't make a big fuss. Now if LO just happens to spend an extra hour with my mom she'll be able to say "seeee" when it wouldn't have been an issue if she hadn't brought it up. 
    UGH she annoys me.
    Me: 31 | DH: 33
    DD: 05/14/16
    Baby #2 EDD: 12/23/19
    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • Just checking in here as a bit of a confessional: I let these little remarks slip my lips about my FIL. I need to stop!!! It's not constructive as much as I really do not like him. DH wants his approval desperately, so me saying negative things never goes over well. 

    Here's hoping the bigger side of me can figure out how to shut my trap!
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

  • @Charla1224 I can relate to that. My MIL still to this day, circles a date on her calendar when she babysits my daughter. Then she'll say to me, "in the whole year I've only seen her x amount of times" Some people are just pathetic and my MIL is one of them. Sorry you're MIl is being BSC!!
    Charla1224UseTheTriforce94
  • My MIL is a widow, with no job and only 61 years old. She lives in England and has only seen our son once, when we flew there when he was 2  months old, because she doesn't want to visit. H is an only child, this is her only grandchild...but to visit for a week is too short, and two weeks is too long.

    Now with a second child on the way to fly to England more than once a year is too much, we have to find a place to stay and the airfare is stupid expensive. 

    We are going there for Christmas, and my whole family is coming too...my brother and my parents. I'm so sick of her selfishness and not coming here ever. My H wants her to come this summer to see the new one...I swear to Jeebus if she says no I will go off on her. Money isn't an issue and she is in perfect health, and my parents are 62 and 63, still work and are super involved with our kid...so the age card doesn't fly with me.
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    LemmyRN
  • I rarely complain about my in laws because they live in Europe and we only see them 1-2 times a year, but it feels like since I was pregnant with DS that they treat visits like vacation. We always go to stay at my dad's house so they don't have to book a hotel for a week in NYC, but somehow DH and I (and sometimes even my dad) end up waiting on them, cooking every meal, cleaning up etc.

    My mom passed away when I was 19 (33 now) so I'm not adverse to taking care of everything myself, but when someone watches you do everything - unload dishwashers, set the table, cook, clean up after 5 adults - while also running after a toddler, and never offer to help, it starts to get annoying. I literally had to throw out candy wrappers because they couldn't be bothered to put them in the trash. I'm not here to clean up after you all day!

    DH and I have been together almost 10 years so there's no reason they should feel like guests. And when I expressed that I was exhausted they were surprised. Sorry, I know sitting on the couch watching tv all day while someone else takes care of all of your needs is hard. I'll be more sensitive next time. I also don't know why they came for Thanksgiving when they don't celebrate it? But that just means Christmas is going to be very relaxing for me, so I'm not going to complain...too much. I don't know how people see their in laws all the time.
    LemmyRNDutchLucyLuLovingLife!southerngirlgetsfit
  • I have had a very stressful first pregnancy. I had complications early on and told close family members early so I could have a support system. My older sister, who has two children of her own, told me that I was telling people too early because a lot can happen before second I have had a very stressful first pregnancy. I had complications early on and told close family members early so I could have a support system. My older sister, who has two children of her own, told me that I was telling people too early because a lot can happen before second trimester. Well the whole family was together for Thanksgiving, which never ends well as I have two younger siblings who like to start fights. I am already tired of being told what I should and shouldn't do. On top of that, my younger sister is insistent on going to a dr appointment with me. I'm a very private person for the most part and I don't know how to tell her no. I tried explaining it to my mom but my mom wants me to take her. Only my immediate family knows ad I would like to be able to tell my church family and coworkers on my own time, but my mother and grandmother have already started telling people. It's so frustrating and annoying. Maybe I'm being childish or selfish idk but it's driving me nuts!!!!
    AmmyBelleLovingLife!
  • My SIL (who is the same age as me) has made a series of poor life choices which led her to her current situation. She is in an unhappy marriage with 2 small kids and one on the way. They were already in a poor financial situation, and she recently got fired from her job. While I do wish she was happier with her life and definitely do not wish her any ill will, I have no pity for her because, again, it all stems from choices she has made.. However, my MIL always tries to make me feel sorry for her. Example:

    I saw something my SIL might like at my MIL's house the day after Thanksgiving. I said to MIL, "Hey, do you think SIL would like one of these for Christmas?" Her response, "Well, ever since she stopped working, she hasn't really said anything she wants or needs. Their house is so small that she's running out of room in her kitchen cabinets, but they can't get rid of anything. I really really hope they get some money back on their tax return so they can pour another concrete slab by their house and close in the garage for an extra room because they're bursting at the seams."
    Uhmmm.. a simple yes or no would have been okay. 

    Later that day, I asked MIL which crib SIL is planning on using for the new baby (MIL bought 2 cribs for SIL's older kids and said we could use one of them). Well, that turned into a whole discussion on how "distraught" SIL about the new baby not having her own room since her older 2 kids did and she is so sad about not being able to fix up a whole new nursery for this baby and it's basically the end of the world. Seriously? 
    Me: 29 DH: 31
    Married: May 2012
    DS: born May 2016
    Baby Boy # 2 EDD: 1/27/2019


    LemmyRNLovingLife!UseTheTriforce94
  • We made it through Thanksgiving with hardly any issues, however now that it's time to make plans for Christmas Mil is throwing fits like an immature child. I talked to my husband about hosting a Christmas dinner on Christmas eve for his parents and mine.  We both agreed it would be nice to spend  Christmas day with the kids watching them open their presents, having a big breakfast and making a lazy day were we all just hung around and the kids got to enjoy their gifts.

    Mil is pissed. Apparently she planned on having us drive an hour each way and only see her family for the holidays. I can't help that they decided to move so far away. Last year we all lived within a 10 minute drive from each other. We ended up moving to a bigger house in June about 15 minutes from where we were living. The same week we put our house on the market my in-laws decided to move full time about an hour away down the Cape. Totally fine. However she is giving us crap for not coming over. Sorry we aren't the ones that moved over an hour away (not counting traffic time).

    After flipping out about us not making trips to the Cape she told my husband she didn't know if they would be able to make it. Wants to know if they can come up on Christmas day instead. Said she didn't know what the weather would be like, didn't know if my Fil would want to drive up etc, etc. Not sure how she plans on coming up Christmas day since she already invited people over for dinner to her house, does she know what the weather will be like Christmas day? So annoyed with the whole situation.
    LemmyRNLovingLife!UseTheTriforce94
  • @Jules5611 I grew up in Plymouth!! Sounds like your area:)
  • Knottie25455542 Close. Marshfield/ Pembroke area. I lived in Plymouth in my early 20's. ( in the brown crappy Pine Hills) and spent  summers in Myles Standish State Forest. My family had a cottage there when I was a kid.
    Aquinna82
  • My brother is bringing his on again gf to our belated thanksgiving this weekend. She has cheated on him twice now and he keeps taking her back . Makes me so sick , I can't even stand to look at her . Makes things so awkward. I know I will be cordial because it's a family event but the pregnancy hormones in me want to punch her in the face and then shake some sense into him that he can do so much better than her !
    LemmyRNkbrands7LovingLife!UseTheTriforce94
  • At my in-laws right now. They keep telling us all the reasons it's a really scary time to raise kids right now. We shouldn't take them anywhere because terrorists will indoctrinate them.
    LemmyRNLovingLife!southerngirlgetsfitUseTheTriforce94
  • amscapeamscape
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper Photogenic
    member
    edited December 2015
    @Jules5611 my parents live full time down there too (I grew up mostly there) & it's the same- they've come off cape to visit twice in 2.5 years. I don't mind going down there, it's great in summer, but once the baby is here it'll be irritating the other 10 months of the year! (Although we may move out if state). It's a 2 hr drive from our apartment in the Needham area.

    Edited 2x because autocorrect was wrong & then I typed exited instead of edited...
    Jules5611
  • Bringing this back bc I really, really dislike MIL right now. Without going into details she has caused some pretty serious family issues as of this past weekend and DH is really upset about it. We don't really know the whole situation bc of course no one wants to talk or give details, but we now have no idea what we are planning on doing for Christmas bc DH doesn't want to be around her and his younger sister really doesn't want to be around her. This really goes beyond that though bc I don't really see people ever getting over what she supposedly did exactly. She essentially ruined her relationship with both of her children with this.

    I keep probing for details bc it's honestly kinda crappy and the situation puts into question whether or not I really want to leave the baby alone with her once it's here. MIL is ignoring everyone and SIL says we need to talk to her.

    I think I'm just going to avoid this all and suggest staying home this Christmas. Really don't need the family drama... :|
    image
    LemmyRNLovingLife!UseTheTriforce94
  • @dsmith211 I just went through some in-law drama too (although it doesn't sound nearly as upsetting as your situation).  I say any unnecessary stress is bad for baby and you should stay home for Christmas with your feet up :D
    LemmyRNUseTheTriforce94
  • Aquinna82 said:

    @dsmith211 I just went through some in-law drama too (although it doesn't sound nearly as upsetting as your situation).  I say any unnecessary stress is bad for baby and you should stay home for Christmas with your feet up :D

    This was my thought exactly. I actually told DH if this is going to cause any drama at all in any way I'm staying home. Which I know there will be since MIL likes to start drama when she starts to talk about things. So I guess I'll be chilling at home in my pajamas with cookies and Christmas movies this year. :) At least now I won't have to sit in a car all day...
    image
    Aquinna82LemmyRNamscapeUseTheTriforce94
  • I would love you advise/feedback...

    I've posted before about the issues with my mom and DH- they hate each other!! This Xmas DH and I decided to just stay home and celebrate alone. The week after Xmas we are sooo busy- anatomy scan, legally changing my name, interviewing daycares... So i would like the weekend after Xmas to be relaxing.

    Well my mom mentioned she would like to visit/ stay with us the 26-29. Between our schedule and the fact that I don't want to have any tension with DH or fighting with him, I want to tell her I would rather come visit her in the new year and for her not to come stay with us.

    Am I in the wrong? I know she will be upset but I feel like I need to put my relationship with him ahead of my relationship with her. And I don't want to ruin our first Xmas as a married couple fighting over the impending visit. What would you guys do?

    cat fail animated GIF

  • Kurrant said:

    It's your first Christmas as husband and wife *and* you're pregnant? I would tell her as nicely as possible exactly how you feel. I would imagine you would like that first Christmas to be special, memorable and stress free. :)

    Thanks. That's exactly how I feel. I just feel so bad telling her no. But I also feel like she should respect my wishes. DH is worried she is going to think this was his idea.

    cat fail animated GIF

    Charissadeatskbrands7jessiedee13MrsKubley
  • yogahh said:

    Kurrant said:

    It's your first Christmas as husband and wife *and* you're pregnant? I would tell her as nicely as possible exactly how you feel. I would imagine you would like that first Christmas to be special, memorable and stress free. :)

    Thanks. That's exactly how I feel. I just feel so bad telling her no. But I also feel like she should respect my wishes. DH is worried she is going to think this was his idea.
    We run into this a lot where MiL thinks everything is me or my say. I encourage "I" statements in this case so they don't have much they can say. Something like "I would prefer to come visit you in the new year because I planned a bunch of stuff that week and just want to be able to relax". Leave DH out entirely.
    thismakes4Jenly17kbrands7jessiedee13
  • @yogahh I don't think you're in the wrong. My feeling is that once you get married, your husband and your relationship comes first, everyone else second. So make your plans with your hubby the priority and gently let your Mom know. Maybe you can even give her specific dates in the future so that she can look forward to visiting at a time that's more convenient for you.
    jessiedee13
  • @yogahh this won't be popular but can you compromise a little could she come 28 for one night or something?
    I guess it makes me a little sad, we are all about to become moms (or 2nd or 3rd time ones) and I always think how I would feel if my daughter would be like that.
    Not saying that to be mean I am sure there are a lot of non perfect moms out there but barring abusive relationships I guess we may all not be the perfect moms either when time comes and may make mistakes too..
    Genuinely not meaning to rile or upset just probably sloppy emotional at Xmas time! Also if your mom will take it on the chin for another time then yeah why not reschedule for when it suits you guys
    amscape
  • salbb said:

    @yogahh this won't be popular but can you compromise a little could she come 28 for one night or something?
    I guess it makes me a little sad, we are all about to become moms (or 2nd or 3rd time ones) and I always think how I would feel if my daughter would be like that.
    Not saying that to be mean I am sure there are a lot of non perfect moms out there but barring abusive relationships I guess we may all not be the perfect moms either when time comes and may make mistakes too..
    Genuinely not meaning to rile or upset just probably sloppy emotional at Xmas time! Also if your mom will take it on the chin for another time then yeah why not reschedule for when it suits you guys

    I would but she has to drive 7 hours to get here... So one night wouldn't make sense.

    cat fail animated GIF

  • @yogahh I think you're being very reasonable; you did say you'd go visit her in the new year, so it's not like you plan on never seeing her. Plus, I'm guessing you're planning on having her stay with you sometime after your baby is born, and 2 visits that close together can be a lot to handle. Be kind about it, but firm. 

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