Tardy to the party, but ditto the majority of the PPs. You're having a healthy baby. Not something to be devastated over.
@BostonTerrior2008 I'm so sorry for what you you have been through. And @PrimRoseMama you may not recognize me anymore, but I am your biggest bump fan.
I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.
I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on.
Sorrynotsorry, your feelings are not normal. Not all emotions and thoughts are meant to be spoken or put to paper (or the internet). If it's that difficult for you, talk to a therapist, not a public message board full of women who have legitimate fertility issues or who have lost a child; those are the women entitled to discuss the loss they feel, the dreams that are crushed. Women who miscarried, or an adoption that fell through, or who were never able to conceive. Your child having a penis is not a reason to feel how you feel.
You knew the odds for a boy or girl were 50/50. You set yourself and family up for disappointment. No one here is going to feel sorry for you, just for your unborn, now unwanted baby. Simply because he has a penis and not a vagina.
Married July 2009, Rescue dog adopted September 2010, DS born June 2012
I really think you need to see someone about this. You need to sit down and decide if you're going to be able to love another son. If you can't, you need to find someone who will. It's normal to feel disappointed if you really had your heart set on one sex over the other. It is not normal to feel devastated and cry for a week about it. You may be suffering from depression and you need to get that checked out.
A little disappointment is understandable, it is a natural human emotion. My last pregnancy I hoped that I would get my little girl that time. We already had a boy and loved him so much but growing up without a mother I just wanted that relationship so bad. Turns out our little Wyatt was a boy. Sure I was a little disappointed and yes I cried a little leaving the AS office but the more he thrived during pregnancy and the more kicking I felt everyday I fell in love with him before he was even born. Yes I have my two boys but you know what? They are the greatest things i've ever done. I was blessed with the ability to grow human beings, two wonderful amazing boys. Boys that will grow into strong, amazing men and I did that. And you know when I wake up every morning and see Wyatt smiling in his crib ready to take on the day I thank God for him and would never trade him for a girl. I am so grateful and blessed he became my son. You may feel a certain way now but when your son is born your heart will melt. I hope you can find peace
not to "side" with you, but just to offer a little comfort... i had a friend who desperately wanted a girl after having a boy the first time around and was told it was a girl the entire time...she had another baby shower, did another nursery, etc. and then had a boy... she went into extreme post par-dome because she felt like she had "lossed" her baby girl... after the hormones and everything went away, both of her boys are amazing. she is thrilled at how close they all are and wouldn't change it at all. I'm sorry your first has been such a challenge, but as someone else posted, that does not mean your next baby boy will be anything remotely like him. I know it's difficult to have things that are hard to admit or hard to even feel at times, so I'm sorry you're getting so much backlash... I think it's important to remember that everyone is going through so many things all at once and we all have experiences and sadness and happiness too. On top of all of that, no one is listening to these comments in the necessary tones they are meant to be in, just reading them in whatever mood they are currently in. I hope you move passed this "disappointment" and realize how awesome it'll be to be surrounded by "your boys". You'll always have that different bond that a mother has with her sons and while the one between a mother and a daughter is also amazing, the one you will have with your TWO boys is also one to treasure and be thankful for. Good luck the rest of your pregnancy .
If you are having a child only to have a specific sex then you shouldn't be having a child at all, period. I have two boys so I fully understand the feeling of disappointment that you may never have that mother/daughter relationship as a "loss of a dream" and I hope it was just a poor choice of words that led you to compare it to a loss of a child. There is a difference between being disappointed you won't have a daughter in your lifetime and actually really not wanting or loving your son. It sounds like you are more on the side of not even wanting the son if he can't be a daughter, and that is what really concerns me. If you feel that way I do worry for your children.
Whenever I think about not having a daughter or see my friends with their daughters and feel the slightest tinge of jealousy, all it takes is for me to remember that my best friend went through five years of infertility, had a baby in the NICU and is one and done, not by choice, to have her lovely daughter who will never have a chance to have a sibling. Meanwhile I've had two healthy boys and was able to decide to have another child and get pregnant easily in that same amount of time. That snaps me right back to reality and extreme gratitude really quickly.
Also, boys are awesome! My second is totally unique from his brother and both bring their own amazing form of joy to my life. I would not trade them for any girl on earth! Gender disappointment is real, but if it does not fade or be replaced by love for your child then I think you need to seek some therapy so you can be the mom your sons deserve.
I know a few couples trying to get pregnant that keep failing that would love to take that disappointed boy you are having off your hands! Seriously, you you be any more messed up?
My best friend also had her mind set on a girl, and she told me when she find out she was having a boy she was disappointed and she had to "grieve the loss" of not having her girl. So I know you aren't alone. However, it is hard for me to understand since we tried for 5 years and spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments...finally getting pregnant with our first, and maybe only, child through IVF. At first I had a sex preference, but you get to the point after years and years of trying that you are thankful for either. Because you haven't struggled, I'm sure that's why you have the thoughts you have - just like my friend. However, my friend had her baby boy and now LOVES him so much that I know she isn't "grieving" anymore. Everything happens for a reason and things just don't always go the way we want - but it goes the way it's meant to be...
I was just saying to myself that the bump has been boring lately. Thanks for the entertainment. FYI I know of a lot of couples who would love to adopt your inconvenient baby boy.
So I understand that this has been discussed before, but those posts were all fairly old and I need to get this off my chest.
I don't want another boy... there I said it.
I have a fairly complex reasons for wanting a girl, but the short story is that my husband already have a boy. As much as we love him to pieces he has been a challenge. We waited 6 years before having another and we both really really really wanted a girl this time.
Now that I'm pregnant with baby number 2 my husband and son started to refer to the baby by the girl name we picked out, and my husband even bought some super girly pink baby clothes. I tried to keep rational that we don't know it's a girl, but things felt different this time and I wanted to believe that I was carrying our little girl.
In all our anticipation we got an elective ultrasound at 15 weeks to see if we could find out the baby's gender. It took the lady all of 10 seconds to find a good image and she didn't even need to tell me. I knew right away it was another boy. There was an overwhelming feeling of disappointment followed by guilt that I wan't bubbling with excitement over this baby. I even went into denial that 15 week ultrasounds can't be that reliable, maybe this was all a misinterpretation. Then two days later we got the results back from an elective blood test. The good news was that baby was healthy and no signs of common chromosomal abnormalities; the bad news (at least to me) it was for sure a boy.
I don't mean to be ungrateful, and I acknowledge that I have been privileged with both my pregnancies so far. I don't know what it's like to struggle with conceiving, I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I've never had a child suffer from an incurable disease. But I do know what it's like to have a dream of what your child will be like only to be crushed by reality. It feels like a loss, and I've cried a lot this past week.
I just want others struggling with gender disappointment to know that this pain is real and I know it will get better with time.
Your struggle is obviously real but I encourage you to look at the big picture. I don't know what you believe so I'm going to just speak based on how I look at things. Every child is a miracle and God chose to give you another son for a purpose. Your son has value and I'm sure will steal your heart. Your disappointment about not having a girl is because your current son is difficult? Maybe there are other issues that need addressed and how do you know your daughter wouldn't cause you the same concern? I'm not saying these things to sound harsh like many others have responded to you but it's going to come down to making the decision to love your son unconditionally because he is YOURS and deserves that from you. When I found out I was pregnant I imagined myself with a girl but I felt bad doing that because I knew there was a possibility that I could be having a boy. So any time I would save baby info or ideas I would save boy things in one folder and girl things in another folder... And I had them both named after the names I would choose for either gender. I found out I am having a girl and have been absolutely thrilled beyond measure, but because I had named my "boy" it felt weird at times when I realized he is no longer a possibility right now. I would have been happy either way. Our minds can play so many tricks on us especially when we are so emotionally connected as well. Maybe God will bless you with a daughter in the future but for now you need to try and set aside those selfish feelings. Try doing some things to prepare and help you get excited for your baby boy. Have you picked out a name? Try doing that and start talking to him. I will be praying for you and your son!
If you say you searched and found old posts about this, then how in the world did you think that posting this would be a good idea and you not get the responses that you have? And then to get upset about them?????
I'm a teacher and I work with 250+ kids a week. Please let me tell you I have never ever met two boys the same. Even from the same family, boys are totally different even if they share things in common. So just because you're feeling challenged by your boy, this son will likely be different. Challenging? Who's to say? But definitely different.
I have also met my fair share of challenging girls as well. Girls are not all sugar and spice and everything nice AT ALL. Girls, like boys, are primarily people first and their personality, character and experiences make the child not sex (or gender). I can understand a bit of disappointment if you had your heart set on a girl but I think you may be villifying "boys" due to your older child. There are a few issues I have with this
1. Your older child undoubtedly knows you feel this way which I guarantee impacts the way he behaves 2. Boys or girls, they're individuals first. Even if you were having a girl, there's really no guarantee that you wouldn't have similar issues or different but worse issues. 3. This boy could be completely different to his brother but based on your post I feel like you will be jumping on their behaviour pre-emptively (possibly unfairly) so please be careful.
To reiterate PPs, you are super lucky to be having a healthy child. Whilst I know you probably aren't feeling that at the moment, it is the truth. I hope you can get the support you need to love this child.
This doesn't need to be said because the ladies here have definitely put words to most of my thoughts about this. But I do want to add, I think it would be an awesome idea for you to come back and apologize for your massively misplaced "disappointment" and your comparison of having a boy feeling the same as a loss. I have no idea how anyone could ever, ever, ever make that comparison but I truly hope you realize how horrible that is. There is no time period, not even in 2008, where that wouldn't be taken as offensive. It is one thing to feel a little twinge of disappointment but it is not normal to feel as devastated as you do, your feeling are way above and beyond reasonable and are downright scary. It's very sad that you have your 6 year old even saying it's a girl and I sincerely hope you haven't disappointed him or confused him by doing so. I can only hope that you and your DH start acting like adults and get over your crazy obsession of having a girl and love the healthy son you have been so graciously blessed with. I hope you can both realize that sex does not determine how difficult or easy a child is and that you can give both of your boys the love they deserve. If you continue to feel this way I would seriously talk to your OB about getting a referral to a therapist because by the way you are talking, it not only sounds like you resent the son you have for being "challenging" but that you will also resent this son for not being a daughter.
^^ just because gender dissapointment is REAL doesn't mean it's RIGHT. And I definitely wouldn't call it reasonable to "cry and cry" over gender dissapointment like the lady mentioned in the article u posted. Hoping for a boy/girl--sure, many people have a preference....but grieving the "loss" of the boy/girl u were praying for and comparing it to the actual loss of a child--NO sorry, not reasonable. There are many adoption agencies that will place these unwanted children with loving homes.
Sorry to everyone here who has experienced losses. My heart goes out to you.
OP there are 16476874354 worse things that could happen besides being pregnant with a healthy boy. I hope you can realize that and move on with your life.
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Re: Oh boy... gender disappointment
@BostonTerrior2008 I'm so sorry for what you you have been through. And @PrimRoseMama you may not recognize me anymore, but I am your biggest bump fan.
However, my friend had her baby boy and now LOVES him so much that I know she isn't "grieving" anymore. Everything happens for a reason and things just don't always go the way we want - but it goes the way it's meant to be...
*Edited for spelling errors.
Your struggle is obviously real but I encourage you to look at the big picture. I don't know what you believe so I'm going to just speak based on how I look at things. Every child is a miracle and God chose to give you another son for a purpose. Your son has value and I'm sure will steal your heart. Your disappointment about not having a girl is because your current son is difficult? Maybe there are other issues that need addressed and how do you know your daughter wouldn't cause you the same concern? I'm not saying these things to sound harsh like many others have responded to you but it's going to come down to making the decision to love your son unconditionally because he is YOURS and deserves that from you.
When I found out I was pregnant I imagined myself with a girl but I felt bad doing that because I knew there was a possibility that I could be having a boy. So any time I would save baby info or ideas I would save boy things in one folder and girl things in another folder... And I had them both named after the names I would choose for either gender. I found out I am having a girl and have been absolutely thrilled beyond measure, but because I had named my "boy" it felt weird at times when I realized he is no longer a possibility right now. I would have been happy either way. Our minds can play so many tricks on us especially when we are so emotionally connected as well. Maybe God will bless you with a daughter in the future but for now you need to try and set aside those selfish feelings. Try doing some things to prepare and help you get excited for your baby boy. Have you picked out a name? Try doing that and start talking to him.
I will be praying for you and your son!
If you say you searched and found old posts about this, then how in the world did you think that posting this would be a good idea and you not get the responses that you have? And then to get upset about them?????
You are a fool - in more ways than one.
I have also met my fair share of challenging girls as well. Girls are not all sugar and spice and everything nice AT ALL. Girls, like boys, are primarily people first and their personality, character and experiences make the child not sex (or gender). I can understand a bit of disappointment if you had your heart set on a girl but I think you may be villifying "boys" due to your older child. There are a few issues I have with this
1. Your older child undoubtedly knows you feel this way which I guarantee impacts the way he behaves
2. Boys or girls, they're individuals first. Even if you were having a girl, there's really no guarantee that you wouldn't have similar issues or different but worse issues.
3. This boy could be completely different to his brother but based on your post I feel like you will be jumping on their behaviour pre-emptively (possibly unfairly) so please be careful.
To reiterate PPs, you are super lucky to be having a healthy child. Whilst I know you probably aren't feeling that at the moment, it is the truth. I hope you can get the support you need to love this child.
Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
This is not even close to a loss, nor is is similar to experiencing a loss.
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