Oh boy... gender disappointment

BRomantic

So I understand that this has been discussed before, but those posts were all fairly old and I need to get this off my chest.

I don't want another boy... there I said it.

I have a fairly complex reasons for wanting a girl, but the short story is that my husband already have a boy. As much as we love him to pieces he has been a challenge. We waited 6 years before having another and we both really really really wanted a girl this time. 

Now that I'm pregnant with baby number 2 my husband and son started to refer to the baby by the girl name we picked out, and my husband even bought some super girly pink baby clothes. I tried to keep rational that we don't know it's a girl, but things felt different this time and I wanted to believe that I was carrying our little girl. 

In all our anticipation we got an elective ultrasound at 15 weeks to see if we could find out the baby's gender. It took the lady all of 10 seconds to find a good image and she didn't even need to tell me. I knew right away it was another boy. There was an overwhelming feeling of disappointment followed by guilt that I wan't bubbling with excitement over this baby. I even went into denial that 15 week ultrasounds can't be that reliable, maybe this was all a misinterpretation. Then two days later we got the results back from an elective blood test. The good news was that baby was healthy and no signs of common chromosomal abnormalities; the bad news (at least to me) it was for sure a boy. 

I don't mean to be ungrateful, and I acknowledge that I have been privileged with both my pregnancies so far. I don't know what it's like to struggle with conceiving, I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I've never had a child suffer from an incurable disease. But I do know what it's like to have a dream of what your child will be like only to be crushed by reality. It feels like a loss, and I've cried a lot this past week. 

I just want others struggling with gender disappointment to know that this pain is real and I know it will get better with time. 

kynbar5

teachmegs817

Good lord, I am slightly speechless at just how upset you really are, over having a boy.  You won't get much sympathy from others on here, which is maybe why during your search all you found were old posts.  You, your husband and even your son set yourselves up for your "disappointment" by referring to the baby as a girl before even knowing the gender and going out to buy stuff that was gender specific before knowing.  Saying that you've had dreams of what your child will be like, only to have them crushed by reality?.....Is that a joke? What dreams did you have other than the obvious, you clearly did not want a boy?  Whatever challenges your son is giving you and your husband does not mean that if you did have a girl, she'd end up sweet as pie. I suggest you maybe seek some sort of help dealing with the fact you're about to bring another boy into this world if you do see yourself still as upset as now, several weeks down the road. 

mollypuss1

Wow ....

I'm so sorry your perfectly healthy child who you had no problem conceiving has a penis, must be devastating to hear that!

Latina211508

I can understand people having a preference. But honestly saying it felt like a loss is a very selfish thing to say. Your baby is healthy and that should be the only thing that matters. I'm pregnant with my fourth baby, and I almost lost my child. I will forever be grateful the baby is healthy and couldn't care less of the sex of the baby. You need to really think about these things deeply. Reality is your baby is a boy and you're having another son. He's healthy and that's great to hear.

CharmBombExplosion

BRomantic said:

So I understand that this has been discussed before, but those posts were all fairly old and I need to get this off my chest.

I don't want another boy... there I said it.

I have a fairly complex reasons for wanting a girl, but the short story is that my husband already have a boy. As much as we love him to pieces he has been a challenge. We waited 6 years before having another and we both really really really wanted a girl this time. 

Now that I'm pregnant with baby number 2 my husband and son started to refer to the baby by the girl name we picked out, and my husband even bought some super girly pink baby clothes. I tried to keep rational that we don't know it's a girl, but things felt different this time and I wanted to believe that I was carrying our little girl. 

In all our anticipation we got an elective ultrasound at 15 weeks to see if we could find out the baby's gender. It took the lady all of 10 seconds to find a good image and she didn't even need to tell me. I knew right away it was another boy. There was an overwhelming feeling of disappointment followed by guilt that I wan't bubbling with excitement over this baby. I even went into denial that 15 week ultrasounds can't be that reliable, maybe this was all a misinterpretation. Then two days later we got the results back from an elective blood test. The good news was that baby was healthy and no signs of common chromosomal abnormalities; the bad news (at least to me) it was for sure a boy. 

I don't mean to be ungrateful, and I acknowledge that I have been privileged with both my pregnancies so far. I don't know what it's like to struggle with conceiving, I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I've never had a child suffer from an incurable disease. But I do know what it's like to have a dream of what your child will be like only to be crushed by reality. It feels like a loss, and I've cried a lot this past week. 

I just want others struggling with gender disappointment to know that this pain is real and I know it will get better with time. 

QFP. Omg I am sooooo so sorry that you're having a healthy baby boy! How sad and horrible that much be!

In all seriousness, I think it's disgusting to compare this to a loss and I hope for you sons sake that you get over yourself real quick. Imagine growing up feeling like a disappointment to your parents just for having a penis? Unbelievable and it makes me sick to my stomach.

kynbar5

Yes to all the previous posts! I wanted to say all of these things but couldn't figure out a way without getting banned. Smh.

lovearoo

Omg this is disgusting. This is NOTHING like a loss!! That is extremely offensive! I've had a loss, don't you ever say something like that again.
I have a solution for you. I'd love a healthy baby boy - Give him to me! >:/

mrsp2213

****Lurking from 1st trimester****

As a FTM who is newly pregnant, it breaks my heart to see a post like this.  I am terrified of miscarrying, of something going wrong, of having health concerns.  TERRIFIED.  I pray every minute that my baby is simply healthy.  I pray every day that I am blessed enought o make it past the 1st tri.  That's all I want and that's what you have.  So be grateful for that because you already have what the vast majority of women in our situation want, a healthy baby.

kynbar5

Also, the really sad part is, this is the 2nd post in about an hour with this topic. It is very disgusting.

thegingeravenger

I only feel bad for your six year old son. You and your husband knew that there was a 50/50 shot at the sex of your child. Instead, you two ignored it due to a "feeling" and also got your six year old to refer to his sibling by a name already. So now, he gets to process that he's not having a baby sister like he's been told (and at six he trusts the two of you compeletely and has no concept of how a fetus develops), but a little brother.

It's okay to be upset, but a loss? Worst comparison ever.

Lulucooks

It feels like a loss......

I can't even with that shit.

I hope your son never learns that his family didn't want him.

peppercorn16

You do know that just because your first son was a "challenge" as you put it, that is not necessarily correlated to his sex, and this baby is a different human being who will have his own personality and yes, challenges of his own too. This is one of the most selfish things I have ever read... disappointment is one thing, but you seem downright devastated, and that is completely pathetic. As I sit here on bed rest, just praying that my baby stays in for another day/week/month so that he has a shot at a life without serious health problems, all I can say is that I hope one day you realize how childish you are being about this. You have not suffered a loss or even a bad diagnosis, you are suffering from a case of the need-to-grow-ups. There are ladies here suffering real struggles and real pain and real losses, not just not getting their preferred gender. This makes me almost physically ill. If you don't want him please put him up for adoption so that someone who cannot experience the joy of  bringing a child into the world can love him. That might seem harsh or dramatic, but you said it yourself, you "don't want another boy".

grapesoda1111

Probably should of kept this thought to yourself OP.

BRomantic

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

saladflambe

For the record, brothers aren't the same. My brothers couldn't be more different from one another. One was the easiest kid EVER but a difficult teen. One was the hardest kid EVER but an easy teen. One was difficult and easy in different ways his entire childhood and teendom. All different. And, I, a girl, was colicky and IMPOSSIBLE to get to sleep. All completely different.

You need to adjust your perspective. You have not created a clone. You've created a person who is going to be unique, and you have not yet discovered who he is. Dispose of the expectations, good and bad. Learn who HE is going to be. Let him show you who he is before you judge the kind of kid he is.

smount2011

This makes me sad- as a person who has suffered multiple losses and 4+ years of infertility. Be thankful you have a healthy baby boy.

I am blessed being pregnant with a healthy baby. As much as I would love another girl, I will be just as over the moon if it's a boy. Healthy is my number 1 concern- and it should be yours too.

ecwk

I have zero sympathy for you. Go find a real problem to worry about. Try and realise how blessed you are. This is offensive to women who have struggled or are currently struggling to conceive.

ETA I actually think it's offensive to a much wider scope of women than just just those who have or have had fertility issues.

thegingeravenger

BRomantic said:

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

QFP.

In 2008 you weren't posting how your child's sex was comparable to a loss I bet.

teachmegs817

BRomantic said:

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

-----You must have also forgotten in those 6 years, how a public forum works and operates. You can't pick and choose the audience who will reply to your posts. Besides, if you only wanted people who felt the same as you, you could possibly be waiting another 6 years for someone to relate to your "problem." 

CharmBombExplosion

BRomantic said:

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

Nope. It is disgusting, especially comparing it to a loss.

PrimRoseMama

BRomantic said:

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

---

Just to say, I disagree strongly.

Sex Disappointment Threads have NEVER EVER gone over well on second trimester. I've been lurking since 2010 and posting since 2012. I've been viewing these things for almost 6 years. So trust me when I say, you would have had a similar response and probably did if you posted this 6 years ago. Its very very very common for these posts to be shredded.

Why?

There is a very active, supportive and empathetic Infertility, Loss and TTC contingent that lurks throughout the community message boards. Things like this are extremely hurtful to anyone that has lost a child or has learned they must live Child-Free-Not-By-Choice (CFNBC). Those desperately wanting children with every fiber of their being would gladly suffer "your pain".

Please please please don't ever compare this particular bit of disappointment to losing a child or miscarriage. Its apples to oranges and EXTREMELY offensive to those (like myself) that have birthed a dead child. I've had two children since then, but that type of sentiment still makes me cringe when I read it. It causes an actual recoil of pain and I'm a pretty tough girl with the interwebz. So please be aware, "your pain" is NOTHING like miscarriage or stillborn death.

I can understand feeling like you are "missing out" on things that are gender specific. However,  you never know. Your baby boy's sex may not match his gender. He might LOVE shopping and getting mani-pedis with you later. All those "girly" things you are broken up about. Your son might LOVE them. 

My daughter is not terribly into Princesses, doing hair, nails or makeup. She likes to shop but she would rather go to home depot than Neiman Marcus or go shoe shopping. She loves traditionally boy things (trucks, dinosaurs, tools and monsters) and will only occasionally play dress up to be a princess or movie star. She's almost 4. My son loves to have tea parties and play with tutus. He likes trucks and destruction (bless him) but he's also a sweet, sensitive little boy that loves art and music. He's 2. Sex does not always determine what your child will like or what you can do with them. Please open your mind! 

ecwk

@PrimRoseMama you just always hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry to read about your loss. You're always so eloquent in your posts. Respect.

PrimRoseMama

@ecwk : Guuuuuuurl you've got all my love! :X Thank you for your sweet post. ;;) Sometimes perspective can be a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes taking stock of what you have (vs. what you don't or what you want instead) is really really really necessary.

Wicked4589

Having three losses in the last 4 years, I am horrified to read people comparing having a healthy baby boy to a loss. If you are so disappointed and devastated by it, I'm sure someone else struggling with IF will adopt him and love him as a boy. I am now 25 weeks and the sex is the last of my worries. Healthy is all that matters. I just can't imagine. He is a baby. A person. A creation by yourself and your husband. Perspective here.

helsbels222

Do you realize that your first emotion towards your child is disappointed because they are the wrong sex? He hasn't even been born! Poor baby has big shoes to fill. Hope he won't always be a disappointment to you and your husband. Hope he doesn't have to bear the guilt for the rest of his life because he wasn't born a girl.
I mean how could he do this to you two? He completely ruined your lives! He screwed up so bad! I feel so bad for you. So sorry you have to live with this "boy."

PrimRoseMama

@bostonterrier2008 and anyone else in this thread that needs it: HUGE SUPER SQUISHY (not creepy) Internet hugs. >:D<

missemmawoodhouse

Feel free to join this list of people on my post it:
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12609890/centralized-thread-for-gender-sex-disappointment-discussion-reasoning-updated#latest

kittyberet

OP You clearly misjudged your audience here. As someone who has had 2 losses myself comparing not getting the sex organs of your choice to loss is despicable. I think you need to see a professional regarding the attitude to your future child. You will not find one shred of sympathy here.

thegingeravenger

Much love to @PrimRoseMama and @bostonterrier2008. I had no idea that either of you had been through those terrible events. You two are so strong for sharing your stories *creepy internet hugs here*

ecwk

@BostonTerrior2008 creepy hugs from me also. You and all the other ladies here who have shared stories are so brave xx

kynbar5

I think after reading this post yet again, the very root of the problem is that it really seems that you and your husband should not have been trying to have another child. Not only did you not want a boy (simply because your existing child is a "challenging" boy) but it really kind of seems like you're trying to replace the child you have or start over. Children are challenging. HUMANS are challenging. If you can't be happy with the child you have did you think having another would fix that problem? Hugs to those who have actually dealt with losses because it is very difficult to handle. Just like every child I truly hope that yours get the love and care they deserve.

tripledaggerWed95976

This is truly one of the more horrific and ignorant posts I've ever read on the bump. Do u know how lucky and truly blessed u are to be pregnant? Honestly, I had a whole long thing I was going to feverishly type out but then I realized ur definitely the type of person it's not worth wasting even a second of my time on. Plus, no matter what anyone says to u, you're just gunna sit there with ur "gender disappointment" while infertile women around the world get the LEGIT disappointment of another BFN, or failed iui, or cancelled ivf..... Yah I feel sooooooo bad for u and ur gender disappointment

tripledaggerWed95976

OP, seriously what did u expect to get out of this? Did u honestly believe there would be anyone on this site that would be like, "omg a boy?! What a tragedy!!! I'm so sorry for the loss of all of your hopes and dreams!!"

GAgirlinSDakota

mb0112

OP I can see how you might be somewhat disappointed if you wanted a girl-- but the responses you got were extreme because the way you expressed yourself was extreme. Looking back, after reading what others have said, do you think you can really compare your disappointment to a true loss of a pregnancy or a baby? If so, maybe you should seriously consider adoption because it is very sad for your little boy to be so unwanted. If not, maybe you should just acknowledge your poor choice of words and learn some more sensitivity towards those who have not been so lucky to have the good news of a healthy baby. I've also been lucky in a smooth and healthy pregnancy (so far) but even just a day of lurking on these boards in my first weeks of being pregnant taught me that there are so many strong women who have been through awful times regarding infertility, pregnancy loss, and stillbirth--makes gender seem inconsequential.

Also, you may want to erase your 6 year old's memory now because if he knows the rest of the family wanted a girl and was devastated by news of a boy, you better believe he will rub that in his poor brother's face someday.

cMichelle0423

Wow... Just wow. Maybe you should look into adoption since your perfectly healthy child isn't good enough for you.

4N6s

Poor kid.

lovearoo

BRomantic said:

I remember in 2008 how much I relied on pregnancy message boards as a way to reach out to others and find support and helpful advice. Who would've thought that 6 years later things would've changed so much?! My feelings are NOT "disgusting" it was me being honest and trying to work through a common experience. What is truly disgusting is the hateful posts you all felt so compelled to post.

I get that this topic isn't something everyone relates to. Most responses are either "I know what you mean" or "how could  you?!" If you are the latter this thread wasn't meant for you move on. 

So let me get this straight - you thought that this board would actually sympathize with you on this?! I can't imagine that would happen at ANY point, even 6 years ago!
You don't get to dictate the responses you get to something you post. There's nothing wrong with our posts, but what you said truly IS disgusting. You should not be a mother. I feel terribly sorry for your poor unborn child. Anything more that I have to say to you I guarantee will get me banned....

Angelmama1737

As someone who lost her first child at 6 weeks, and is now battling to control her hypothyroidism at 18 weeks with this child, I find this disgusting. You are having a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby! Something that a lot of women like myself pray and wish for every day! Be grateful.

mollypuss1

BRomantic said:

I don't want another boy... there I said it........ I don't know what it's like to struggle with conceiving, I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I've never had a child suffer from an incurable disease. But I do know what it's like to have a dream of what your child will be like only to be crushed by reality. It feels like a loss, and I've cried a lot this past week.

You don't want your son? Seriously? That is such a horrific thing to say.

You have never suffered a loss so how dare you compare this to your disappointment at your child having a penis. When you suffer a miscarriage, a still born, being told your child is so profoundly disabled they won't survive etc, only then will you truly understand how horrific this comparison is. My friend just buried her twin boys, born at 22 weeks, one was still born, the other fought with all his might for 6 weeks before his tiny heart gave up on him. She is truly 'crushed by reality' and she would give anything in the world to be in your position right now. You have no comprehension of how lucky you are and how offensive this self pitying 'I didn't get what I wanted' post really is. I'm disgusted by it.