Not invited to the birth

Katierae19 · December 2014

Okay please help me! My mother in law is a wonderful loving woman and we get along great but she stresses me out. How can I let her know tactfully that she is not invited to the birth!?

Okay here's the deal. I am a very private person, I don't even have a Facebook for that reason and I will not be letting my husband post photos of our baby on his Facebook. Anyway my point is that I'm private. The only people i want when i am giving birth will be my husband and my mom. I don't even want people at the hospital or visiting me in the hospital. I want to take that time to bond with my new baby and husband . My mother in law is very loud and opinionated and honestly she stresses me out. She has declared that she will be at the birth. When I mentioned that maybe she could wait a week she said "well you'll be hard pressed to keep me from the birth but I can come back the next week" (we live 6 hours away) how do i tactfully tell her to stay put until invited. (Even though I realize it's a little unfair that I want my mom there) I don't want to hurt her feelings but I fear there is no way around it. A friend suggested sending out a mass email with the birth plan so that everyone is getting the same info. Thoughts on that and other ideas welcome!! Thank you!

meandthebirds · December 2014

I have the same problem. We are not telling her when I go into labor and we've had two hours with the baby. Also I had my husband tell her that it would be best if she visited a month after so I can plan and be rested because it will be stressful for me. If it doesn't work with him talking to her try to tell her yourself.

Bostonchelle · December 2014

Could you ask your husband to deal with the situation? This seems like a time he should step in and do whatever it is that you want. Luckily there is tight security in maternity wards so if you tell her no and she shows up no ones gonna let her in anyway!

nomnommama · December 2014

While I think it is totally in your right to not have her at your birth. (Most hospitals only allow two people in the room anyway) I think it is kind of a lot to expect her to stay away for a week (let alone a month like PP wants) Sure, wait until you get home, but she is the baby's grandmother. It makes sense she would want to meet the new baby. Unless you want no visitors that first week? People want to share the joy.
Just my two cents.

TwinsCitiesMomma · December 2014

I would ask the hubby to have a talk with her. If that doesn't work, maybe mention that you don't feel comfortable with anyone but your husband and mom during the actual labor- especially since you will be practically naked and bleeding everywhere. If she still doesn't get it after that then just like other PP's said-just tell the hospital no one is allowed and they won't let her in.

meandthebirds · December 2014

nomnommama said:
While I think it is totally in your right to not have her at your birth. (Most hospitals only allow two people in the room anyway) I think it is kind of a lot to expect her to stay away for a week (let alone a month like PP wants) Sure, wait until you get home, but she is the baby's grandmother. It makes sense she would want to meet the new baby. Unless you want no visitors that first week? People want to share the joy.
Just my two cents.

My mother in law is more than overbearing plus lives four hours away. I've had numerous problems with her so it's everyone's decision for her to wait a month so that I can be in a better space.

finallyourturn2 · December 2014

When you check into the hospital you should have an option to check in under a private status (they will not even tell someone you are there or what room you are in). Ask about it if they don't offer it. Also, don't tell her when you are in labor or when you have had the baby until you don't mind her showing up. Have your husband on board with that plan too. In order for it to work you won't be able to tell anyone other than your husband and your mom. Maybe also try having him talk to her before as well.

Unknown · December 2014

This content has been removed.

AshleyS512 · December 2014

I would make your wishes known as nicely as possible but still be direct enough so she knows you've made up your mind. I told my inlaws that we don't plan on any out of town visitors until a week after the birth (at the earliest) and that we only have one guest room so my husband's parents can use that but his sisters will have to stay with other family.

Hopefully your husband will back you up since it's his side of the family. At the end of the day, you're the one who will be exhausted and not likely in the mood to deal with unwanted visitors/attention. I think a month is a little long to keep her from visiting but a week is totally reasonable.

Whitfry · December 2014

I live next door to my MIL. It is a nightmare. That said, I have no problem laying down boundaries for her and enforcing the fuck out of them. My personal plan is to let her know when we are heading to the hospital and putting her on "prayer patrol" (she's very religious). DH will call her and tell her that we will call her as soon as the baby is delivered (translation: a couple hours after we've had the baby so that we can bond together). This way she can feel like she is important and involved while being totally out of my hair and my line of sight.

Then again, I can't imagine my MIL expecting or feeling entitled to being present at the birth. If she DID feel that entitlement, I would definitely not tell her I was in labor until after it was over. That seems like the safest bet to me. You could also let her see your birth plan if you plan on writing one, and have a list of your labor support team written out very clearly on the first page along with directions for the nurses not to admit anyone who is not on that list or hospital staff. She might be able to understand from the absence of her name that she is not welcome during labor.

KD32412 · December 2014

@Katierae19‌ OMG. You sound like my friend that just had her firstborn! Her MIL went so far as to get relatives to guilt her during the baby shower! She solved the problem by NOT telling anyone she was in labor. I just got a text "baby is here!" Hahaha!!! Seriously though, if you think it's bad now... She has her in-laws visit 4-5 times a week, unannounced.

If you guys don't set boundaries now, be ready for a lifetime of helicopter grandparents. P.S. Grandma calls grand baby "her son" and introduces him to friends and strangers that way. Very odd.

lisap0924 · December 2014

I would just be blunt and honest. You don't want her in the room while birthing. If she doesn't like it then your husband can deal with her

colleen4019 · December 2014

I really only want my DH there & my mom potentially as a backup (in case labor goes super long or DH needs to eat/poop/be out of my sight for more than 10 seconds).

I would nip that shit right quick.

shellmack · December 2014

It's a good rule of thumb to send in your DH as first line of defence. It is his mother. He needs to make it clear that you guys want this to be intimate just between the two of you (she doesn't need to know your mom is going to be there). And, beyond that- for suuuuuurrreeee just don't tell them you're in labour. When you are ready for visitors make the call to let them know baby is here. No matter how wack-a-doodle your MIL is, it might be a little much to expect her to wait a week. Besides if she is hours away it will take her time to get to you once baby arrives.
My MIL is coo coo for coco puffs. Like, nuts. Even she hasn't suggested she be in the room.
But we are not going to let family know we are in labour bc the last thing you need is people calling and texting your husband to get updates while you're in labour.
Besides, baby may arrive in the middle of the night- so waiting till the am to call would make sense.

Be strong! Laying down these boundaries now is key to avoid crazy later!

amario2 · December 2014

KD32412 said:
@Katierae19‌ OMG. You sound like my friend that just had her firstborn! Her MIL went so far as to get relatives to guilt her during the baby shower! She solved the problem by NOT telling anyone she was in labor. I just got a text "baby is here!" Hahaha!!! Seriously though, if you think it's bad now... She has her in-laws visit 4-5 times a week, unannounced.
If you guys don't set boundaries now, be ready for a lifetime of helicopter grandparents. P.S. Grandma calls grand baby "her son" and introduces him to friends and strangers that way. Very odd.

A Grandma calling a baby "her son" is the craziest thing I have ever heard. That is so over the line!!

mwerren · December 2014

Tell her she's welcome to visit afterward-but that you're not comfortable with her staring at your vagina

steffanie47 · December 2014

I am going through this with my first born as well. my MIL has somehow gotten into his head or not corrected him in calling her MAMA. I have said numerous times that no sweetie, it's Nana. I'm mama. Right in front of them and the response I get it "I'm sorry but I'm not going to correct him if this is what he chooses to call me". Umm F@&$ no. Not ok. I have gotten angry and DH doesn't seem to get it

issytex12 · December 2014

We did not tell my inlaws i was in labor for my first but phoned when baby was here they turned up before the epidural had worn off and before i was even out of the labour ward into recovery they then preceeded to take baby off me for 2 hours or so... Needless to say tgey wont be infirmed this time around until im able to escape (i dont get on with MIL what so ever)

ngolimento · December 2014

I for one am not telling anyone when I go into labor. My DH's family is very hellicoptery, and his sister has already cheerfully informed me that she is taking the entire day off of work when I go into labor (I'm sorry, whythefuck?). So yeah... They're not getting the bat signal to congregate and harass us.

I think I need to have DH set up a buddy system of someone to talk to during labor. He'll want to text the world about it, so it'll kill him that it's a secret. If he has a secret keeper, I think it'll be better for him.

gnomemom · December 2014

I don't know why she would expect to be present for that, anyway. It seems unreasonable to me. At any rate, I agree w/ PPs about 1) don't tell her you are in labor, 2) tell the hospital staff you do not want her in the room, and 3) DH needs to explain this to her, not you.

DM718 · December 2014

@darbie914 - I can only speak for myself, but I think I've posted a couple of times for advice dealing with my mother. I don't think it's unreasonable to try not to hurt anyone's feelings while trying to enforce your own values and beliefs in your own home (or in the delivery room). I think that we all would prefer not to be seen as bitches until we really need to, and that point comes earlier for some than others.

As for advice to the OP - let your husband communicate your plans to his mother, and let her know that the hospital staff will be enforcing these plans regarding visitors. If she shows up, unfortunately, she'll be out of luck, but she had been warned. Then plan a visit on your own terms.

lewispm · December 2014

Its totally not unfair to want your mom over your MIL. I had both waiting in the lobby because I didn't really want either one staring down my hoo ha, but my MIL was the only one that pushed to be in the room. She is rude and loud and overbearing so I just told my nurses not to let her in and they didn't!

As far as not having her at the hospital, like others said, don't tell her you're in labor!

jpavenski · December 2014

I wouldn't even tell her your mom will be there, just have your DH tell her you guys just want it to be the two of you. But not sure if you could hold her off a week, till you get home from the hospital is understandable. I got lucky with my son my mil was on a work trip. My mom came in while my hubby stepped out & she drove me so crazy I kicked her out! We may wait to tell people a little longer this time, it was a little much having like 6 people come in an hour after I gave birth.

LadySnowblood · December 2014

Darbie914 said:

@DM718 You are right and I went back to reread my post and it does come across as somewhat harsh. I know it's because I was projecting my own frustrations into it so I apologize if I came across as a cold-hearted person.

However, I do think that many people want to approach things as nicely as possible as to avoid hurt feelings in the process. I get that and I always strive to do that whenever possible. At times, though, if someone is dealing with a parent/IL that is just not taking their feelings into consideration, then yes, I do feel a blunt and honest approach is best. Because if they aren't taking the time to consider my feelings after my feelings have repeatedly been made known, then at that point I'm going to stop dancing around the bush and be blunt.

It sucks to have to be that way but it also sucks to have parents/ILs that fail to see you as an adult that is capable of making their own decisions and even worse when they don't respect them. Being a parent doesn't entitle you (general you) to insert yourself into situations throughout your child's entire life. There will come a time that you don't call the shots and you aren't the boss anymore. I realize that some parents may have more difficulty accepting this but I honestly believe that the sooner the 'rules' are laid down and enforced, the better.

I wish I could love tit this a million times. My in laws are very pushy and extremely selfish, and we have had to give them a lot of tough love for the past several months (got close to cutting them off at one point. they are crazy. like legit crazy. long story). We tried being nice at first, but they just kept trying to walk all over us. I'm not saying that you should just be a biotch about everything, but you have to set your boundaries and stand your ground, and the sooner you do that, the better. It will save you A LOT of grief. Trust me.

colleen4019 · December 2014

Darbie914 said:
Also, I'm not a fan of the 'just don't tell her that your mom will be there' approach. That puts your DH in a really bad spot because it's forcing him to hide/lie to his mom and that's never a good place to be.

I don't see anything wrong with her MIL knowing that OP's mom will be present. If she doesn't like it, again, she'll have to deal with it. It's not about what she wants.

I agree, if your MIL doesn't understand that the relationship between mother & child is different than the relationship between DIL and MIL she is being intentionally dense. Also these type of 'lies' (withholdings?) typically come to light. And then you're forced to explain your original thinking & apologize for lying. You're allowed to have only the people you want at your birth, lying about it/omitting details implies that you have a guilty conscience and want to hide/ coverup your choices.

nlinscott11 · December 2014

My MIL is very overbearing, and is just all around stressful to be around. Everything has to be done on her time and in her way. Her son is her absolute pride and joy, and color me selfish, but I don't really feel like having her there and then hearing how awesome HE did through all of it when I was the one pushing a watermelon from my vagina. She was present for my first, and that was a serious mistake on my husbands part. She was the only one taking pictures, and I STILL refuse to see those. I even requested that she delete them and she refused. Instead when my husband told her that we didn't want her in the room, she said "Well I'll just come up and watch Adam (our oldest son)" I say no to that too. I don't want to deal with her coming to visit at the hospital while I'm trying to figure out how to bond with my newborn, while trying to make my 4 year old feel as loved as possible.

Set boundaries now, or there will be none later. Trust me.

BostonAlison · December 2014

Katierae19 said:

Okay please help me! My mother in law is a wonderful loving woman and we get along great but she stresses me out. How can I let her know tactfully that she is not invited to the birth!? Okay here's the deal. I am a very private person, I don't even have a Facebook for that reason and I will not be letting my husband post photos of our baby on his Facebook. Anyway my point is that I'm private. The only people i want when i am giving birth will be my husband and my mom. I don't even want people at the hospital or visiting me in the hospital. I want to take that time to bond with my new baby and husband . My mother in law is very loud and opinionated and honestly she stresses me out. She has declared that she will be at the birth. When I mentioned that maybe she could wait a week she said "well you'll be hard pressed to keep me from the birth but I can come back the next week" (we live 6 hours away) how do i tactfully tell her to stay put until invited. (Even though I realize it's a little unfair that I want my mom there) I don't want to hurt her feelings but I fear there is no way around it. A friend suggested sending out a mass email with the birth plan so that everyone is getting the same info. Thoughts on that and other ideas welcome!! Thank you!

I think this might be the built in answer to your problem. If she's so far away there's a good chance she can't make it anyway, especially if you don't tell her you're in labor for a few hours.

Keeping her away for a whole week? Ehh... your call.

kcbizme · December 2014

I'm sorry, but she is NOT your mother and therefore has no claim to you whatsoever. It is YOUR labor and delivery and if you don't want her in there, she can't force you. All you have to do is tell your nursing staff and they will not allow her in the room until you okay it. L&D is a secure area and visitors can't just come and go as they please.

jpavenski · December 2014

nlinscott11 said:
My MIL is very overbearing, and is just all around stressful to be around. Everything has to be done on her time and in her way. Her son is her absolute pride and joy, and color me selfish, but I don't really feel like having her there and then hearing how awesome HE did through all of it when I was the one pushing a watermelon from my vagina. She was present for my first, and that was a serious mistake on my husbands part. She was the only one taking pictures, and I STILL refuse to see those. I even requested that she delete them and she refused. Instead when my husband told her that we didn't want her in the room, she said "Well I'll just come up and watch Adam (our oldest son)" I say no to that too. I don't want to deal with her coming to visit at the hospital while I'm trying to figure out how to bond with my newborn, while trying to make my 4 year old feel as loved as possible.

Set boundaries now, or there will be none later. Trust me.

Sounds exactly like my mil! Clouds my judgement when giving advice on in-laws. But OP sounds like yours isn't as bad. I would try to have DH just tell her nicely.

marthah05 · December 2014

My Favorite SIL (sorry we were besties before my brother married her) believes that the birth of a child is a private time for the parents, I can't say I disagree. She welcomed family and friends two or three hours after the baby was born, once she had some time to recover, the baby was cleaned up and my brother was able to compose himself. This also gave time in case a medical situation were to arise for mother or baby, so the Doctors and nurses didn't have to deal with a large amount of people asking the same questions about the same person. (We are in the medical field.)
I wish you a safe, quick and painless delivery and a healthy baby to you.
Good luck with your MIL.

rachyrach06 · December 2014

My MIL wants to be there and i don't mind really. I told her she'll probably get a shot of my lady bits but that we all have the same stuff so if she didn't mind then i didn't mind.

I'm curious about how to politely ask everyone to leave after i've pushed the babe out. My hospital is "baby-friendly" meaning that they put baby on mother's chest for skin-to-skin immediately (they hold off any any tests, washings, etc...) for about 2 hours i'm told. While i don't mind whoever wants to be in the room during the labor & delivery...i want that alone time once the baby comes.

I'll have to think more on how to make this so.

TwinsCitiesMomma · December 2014

rachyrach06 said:
My MIL wants to be there and i don't mind really. I told her she'll probably get a shot of my lady bits but that we all have the same stuff so if she didn't mind then i didn't mind.
I'm curious about how to politely ask everyone to leave after i've pushed the babe out. My hospital is "baby-friendly" meaning that they put baby on mother's chest for skin-to-skin immediately (they hold off any any tests, washings, etc...) for about 2 hours i'm told. While i don't mind whoever wants to be in the room during the labor & delivery...i want that alone time once the baby comes.
I'll have to think more on how to make this so.

Put it in your birth plan and tell the fam. My MIL, who I adore, will be my doula but she understands that right after the baby is born, DH and I want some alone time with LO. Can't wait to see my little bug!!

rachyrach06 · December 2014

@TwinsCitiesMomma good idea!

kmvisioli · December 2014

I agree with lots of what's being said here, but just want to add: I can understand your MIL really wanting to be there, especially if this is her first grandbaby. She is excited to see her son become a daddy and to welcome that baby into the world. Though she's not your mom, she is his and she probably has the same level of interest and attachment to being there that your mom does. Obviously it is up to you who you want in the actual delivery room, but it might be nice to let her be in the waiting room for that moment, especially if she's saying she would then leave and come back at a later date (which you could negotiate).

Maybe that's an unpopular opinion, but it seems fair to me, especially if you don't have a bad or strained relationship with her.

Whitfry · December 2014

rachyrach06 said:
My MIL wants to be there and i don't mind really. I told her she'll probably get a shot of my lady bits but that we all have the same stuff so if she didn't mind then i didn't mind.
I'm curious about how to politely ask everyone to leave after i've pushed the babe out. My hospital is "baby-friendly" meaning that they put baby on mother's chest for skin-to-skin immediately (they hold off any any tests, washings, etc...) for about 2 hours i'm told. While i don't mind whoever wants to be in the room during the labor & delivery...i want that alone time once the baby comes.
I'll have to think more on how to make this so.

This is also something I'm working on figuring out, since my mom will be there. I think she will understand and be supportive, though.

helendalton · December 2014

Agree with majority here and say nothing. My mum was present at the birth of my niece and I think she expected the same with my first. I felt really mean but it was private between me and ptr so I just didn't tell her. This time round she's not even asked. Phew. Harder though I presume if it's MIL. Suppose you really need support of husband. Good luck x

rachyrach06 · December 2014

Whitfry said:

My MIL wants to be there and i don't mind really. I told her she'll probably get a shot of my lady bits but that we all have the same stuff so if she didn't mind then i didn't mind.
I'm curious about how to politely ask everyone to leave after i've pushed the babe out. My hospital is "baby-friendly" meaning that they put baby on mother's chest for skin-to-skin immediately (they hold off any any tests, washings, etc...) for about 2 hours i'm told. While i don't mind whoever wants to be in the room during the labor & delivery...i want that alone time once the baby comes.
I'll have to think more on how to make this so.
This is also something I'm working on figuring out, since my mom will be there. I think she will understand and be supportive, though.

ya and while the idea of just putting it in my birthplan is great...i'm actually somewhat close to my MIL so i really need to figure out the best way to say it before hand.

I may be worrying for nothing since my MIL lives 10 hours away; although, i do plan on laboring at home as long as possible so with my luck she'll get here with plently of time to go.

in her defense she has said that she'll leave if i ask her too but really she was talking more about the L&D phase. she keeps using the phrase "i'm gonna eat that baby up"...i get that she's being sweet but it kinda freaks me out when she says it. anyways, based on that phrase that i swear i've heard from her hundreds of times, i think it will prob be hard to keep her away from the baby for too long.

cesquer · December 2014

WAMOM said:

BBnut said:

Don't tell her you are in labor.

With my DS my inlaws drove 5 hrs and set up camp in an RV park nearby so they could be near. They weren't fools. I got to spend my overdue days with them until they didn't hear from us and they showed up at the hospital. It was awesome....

I would die.

cesquer · December 2014

i am not telling anyone (except for you guys!) that I am going into labor. There is very little you can control during the process of birthing a child. I plan to take charge of who gets to stare at my lady bits. I mean. Seriously… NO mother in law.

cmcintos · December 2014

I would say that this is a situation you should really talk to your husband about. Does he want her there? It is his mother. Imagine him saying that he didn't want your mother there for a week because she stresses him out? I know he isn't the one giving birth, but it's still his child and he has a right to make some decisions too. I can see not wanting her in the room while you are in labour, but once the baby is born I feel like that's his call. If he's cool with her not being there, then it's up to him to talk to her and lay out a visiting plan. Just my two cents, as I have a pushy mother in law as well and that's the way we've always dealt with it. :P

jarrard1983 · December 2014

I can not believe how many people think this is OK. (not saying this in a judgy way at all)

Unfortunately I lost my mother in law the day I was suppose to have my gender reveal party and it was devastating.

We planned on telling no one the sex until the party, but for some reason we decided to tell his mom and dad the night before while we were at dinner. The next morning she had a massive stroke and passed away that night.

The point is that you never know what life will throw our way. I can understand being stressed out by your mil, I was beyond annoyed that mine was so pushy about finding out the babies sex, but I know I would have felt horrible if we hadn't have shared the news with her before she passed.

Personally I would allow her to be at the hospital, just not in the room. That way she can be updated..... Especially God forbid something go wrong. You can call her into the room when YOU feel ready to do so.

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