DH is NOT the father!

74dragonfly · October 2013

Cashingn2 said:

I think he should go on Maury. This is too much not to be exposed on tv for entertainment value!

I think this is Maury worthy. Plus Maury would pay for the test!

sleepy33 · October 2013

Just as an interesting legal side note, in my state, in situations like these, they will do a hearing first to even determine whether or not they should even ORDER a DNA test, simply because there is already a presumptive father in place, he has acted as a father for SEVERAL years, and has been supporting the child. They will determine whether it's in the best interest of the child to do a DNA test, and if it's not in the child's best interest? Too bad, so sad for the father, he keeps supporting the kid.

That being said, I have no idea if that's how it is in OP's state.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

Loolaide said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Daycare? He's 12. H pays for all school, insurance, supplies, & clothes on top of the $800 a month.

I called him the "kid" because it was easier than writing out stepson. I'm talking about this to you guys (on mobile) to explain things rather than putting myself in it. I actually love him very much, and I'm very sad about all of this. I got the results last night and it took me 10 minutes to tell DH cause I was so sad about it. Anyway I don't need to explain my love for my stepson.

Again ladies, I DO know everything about MH's past relationships. I just don't remember how long he was married to her. I've been with him for 9 years. I met him when stepson was 3 yo. That's when I seen my stepson's mom and she was nasty at the time and is still nasty now. She wiped MH's whole bank acct out and took off to Montana without saying a word to him. She ripped my stepson away then and I hope she doesn't do it again

That was a brain fart on my part. But why is he paying for all of that on top of the $800? Court order? Or is he only paying half of those other items?

It isn't court ordered to pay for that on top of the $800. He just does it. I know it's hard to believe but he really is a good father.

The reason he did the DNA test was because he feels he got unfair treatment in court cause he was a day late he is now getting wages garnished. They didn't calculate his expenses and income correctly, they went off what the mom said he made. Which she was incorrect about. The only way to bring it back in court was to find a good reason to. He mentioned getting a DNA test cause he never really thought that was his child but he wanted to be his father so he paid for the child his entire life without a court order. But since the court order started garnishing more than we could afford them he decided to get a DNA test. It's all sad! It's a tough situation

MEP923 · October 2013

It always gets fun when the Parenting girls come. & "the kid" is annoying. My DH (DS's stepfather) just calls my son "his son". I guess I'm lucky.

wiggyslilsis · October 2013

I only made it to page 5 but I have to say something...

I cannot get past the contradiction of you saying he doesn't want to pay child support for a kid that isn't his and then go on to say that he wants to stay in the child's life and be his dad. It doesn't work both ways. He is either the kid's dad or not.

If he wants to have parental rights to his son he will have to continue to pay child support and probably at the rate calculated. When my mom divorced my step dad he said he wanted to still see me because he had been my dad from me as a baby until 4 yo. The judge told him that if he wanted to pay child support then they could set up visitation.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

MrsSkull1107 said:
@marchmellow2

I actually read this whole fucking thing and I can say without a doubt that you are an AWFUL PERSON if you think this 12 year old BOY is not your husband's son. The test means nothing. He is the boy's father. End of story.

This whole thing is incredibly upsetting.

I can't believe you care more about money than a kid who has known only one father his whole life.

I can't with this. I hope that the son never finds out about any of this.

If you would've read then you would've seen that I want them to stay son and father and continue to get paid via direct bank acct. just not $800 month which is not calculated correctly.

I also hope the son never finds out.

Sigir · October 2013

2010weddinggal said:

Why you guys would even do a home DNA kit now 12 yrs later, I'm so thoroughly confused.

I will clear up the confusion for you. It's about the MONEY. $400/mo to be exact.

2010weddinggal · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Daycare? He's 12. H pays for all school, insurance, supplies, & clothes on top of the $800 a month. I called him the "kid" because it was easier than writing out stepson. I'm talking about this to you guys (on mobile) to explain things rather than putting myself in it. I actually love him very much, and I'm very sad about all of this. I got the results last night and it took me 10 minutes to tell DH cause I was so sad about it. Anyway I don't need to explain my love for my stepson. Again ladies, I DO know everything about MH's past relationships. I just don't remember how long he was married to her. I've been with him for 9 years. I met him when stepson was 3 yo. That's when I seen my stepson's mom and she was nasty at the time and is still nasty now. She wiped MH's whole bank acct out and took off to Montana without saying a word to him. She ripped my stepson away then and I hope she doesn't do it again

That was a brain fart on my part. But why is he paying for all of that on top of the $800? Court order? Or is he only paying half of those other items?
It isn't court ordered to pay for that on top of the $800. He just does it. I know it's hard to believe but he really is a good father. The reason he did the DNA test was because he feels he got unfair treatment in court cause he was a day late he is now getting wages garnished. They didn't calculate his expenses and income correctly, they went off what the mom said he made. Which she was incorrect about. The only way to bring it back in court was to find a good reason to. He mentioned getting a DNA test cause he never really thought that was his child but he wanted to be his father so he paid for the child his entire life without a court order. But since the court order started garnishing more than we could afford them he decided to get a DNA test. It's all sad! It's a tough situation

That is bs right there they do not go off what the mom says, cause she can make any number up. They ask for documents and also you can submit them yourself has he done that?

Never thought this kid was his, um DNA test should have been done when the baby was born

Can not afford it? But he pays for his adult children and he seems to be able to afford that....

This is all bs, honey if you wanted attention you got it the wrong kind but you got it....

74dragonfly · October 2013

Op, you are crazy if you think a twelve year old can handle $$$. Child support is for food, rent, etc.

NotSharknado · October 2013

You mention how sad your Dh is but turn around and say he had a hunch anyway, AND then state he only took the paternity test because support went up.

He's not sad. You both seem super excited, actually.

That poor kid.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

MrsSkull1107 said:
@marchmellow2

You are going to pay direct to the kid? And some how he's not going to find out why the whole child support thing has changed?

Are you fucking even listening to the bullshit coming out of your mouth?

This is what we "want" yes. We need to talk to a lawyer to find out what our real possibilities are.

74dragonfly · October 2013

If you can't afford child support for his current kids why are you bringing another into the world?

2010weddinggal · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

@marchmellow2

You are going to pay direct to the kid? And some how he's not going to find out why the whole child support thing has changed?

Are you fucking even listening to the bullshit coming out of your mouth?
This is what we "want" yes. We need to talk to a lawyer to find out what our real possibilities are.

They are not going to let a 12 yr old be responsible for 800 a month, your tripping can I have some of what you are having?

jkjacq71 · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Daycare? He's 12. H pays for all school, insurance, supplies, & clothes on top of the $800 a month. I called him the "kid" because it was easier than writing out stepson. I'm talking about this to you guys (on mobile) to explain things rather than putting myself in it. I actually love him very much, and I'm very sad about all of this. I got the results last night and it took me 10 minutes to tell DH cause I was so sad about it. Anyway I don't need to explain my love for my stepson. Again ladies, I DO know everything about MH's past relationships. I just don't remember how long he was married to her. I've been with him for 9 years. I met him when stepson was 3 yo. That's when I seen my stepson's mom and she was nasty at the time and is still nasty now. She wiped MH's whole bank acct out and took off to Montana without saying a word to him. She ripped my stepson away then and I hope she doesn't do it again

That was a brain fart on my part. But why is he paying for all of that on top of the $800? Court order? Or is he only paying half of those other items?
It isn't court ordered to pay for that on top of the $800. He just does it. I know it's hard to believe but he really is a good father. The reason he did the DNA test was because he feels he got unfair treatment in court cause he was a day late he is now getting wages garnished. They didn't calculate his expenses and income correctly, they went off what the mom said he made. Which she was incorrect about. The only way to bring it back in court was to find a good reason to. He mentioned getting a DNA test cause he never really thought that was his child but he wanted to be his father so he paid for the child his entire life without a court order. But since the court order started garnishing more than we could afford them he decided to get a DNA test. It's all sad! It's a tough situation

Ok I have to de-lurk to state something. MOST courts don't just go off "What the mom says the father makes". There are tax returns and paycheck stubs that NEED to be included. If that were the case then every mother who couldn't get their dead beat X to show up and/or pay would totally state "MY ex makes a million dollars a year". That is also the reason, that a lot of men trying to reduce their amount of CS, will 'hide' assets in the new wife/girlfriends names.
OP I did read all your responses and I believe you are shoveling a load of manure.

You either love a child and want to be a parent or you don't. I think that YOU are the one creating the drama behind your H's willingness to support his other children because somehow YOU think your child is going to suffer. If he hasn't minded paying for his adult children for this long I fail to see why the additional expense would be so upsetting at this point in his life.

And as a former single parent for most of my sons life who only received 350/month I can certainly tell you it doesnt BEGIN to cover what he needed.

MEP923 · October 2013

What confuses me is he is willing to take a DNA test and eff up this kid's life so he doesn't have to pay child support but he'll still support his 3 adult children with no problem.

NotSharknado · October 2013

You're gross OP

blainethetrain · October 2013

Man. What a shit show.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

KKDRAGONFLY said:
If you can't afford child support for his current kids why are you bringing another into the world?

We can afford it. But what I meant to say is $800/mo was miscalculated by the court. They went off what she told them. We did not have the opportunity to show the court his income and expenses yet. It's all very complicated. We waited to get a lawyer to submit documents cause why hire a lawyer to correct payment if H also wanted a DNA test.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

Has this been C&Pd to Blended Families yet?

Sigir · October 2013

andrea99 said:

@sigir, Can I link this on Blended Families and let them have a field day?

I think we should!

MEP923 · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

If you can't afford child support for his current kids why are you bringing another into the world?
We can afford it. But what I meant to say is $800/mo was miscalculated by the court. They went off what she told them. We did not have the opportunity to show the court his income and expenses yet. It's all very complicated. We waited to get a lawyer to submit documents cause why hire a lawyer to correct payment if H also wanted a DNA test.

I don't believe a court would go off what the ex-wife said. Even if you were there, income would have had to be proved. You can't just say something.

I agree, I had sympathy at first but it is just gone.

And not being at court is not an excuse. It was your responsibility to be there.

2010weddinggal · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Daycare? He's 12. H pays for all school, insurance, supplies, & clothes on top of the $800 a month. I called him the "kid" because it was easier than writing out stepson. I'm talking about this to you guys (on mobile) to explain things rather than putting myself in it. I actually love him very much, and I'm very sad about all of this. I got the results last night and it took me 10 minutes to tell DH cause I was so sad about it. Anyway I don't need to explain my love for my stepson. Again ladies, I DO know everything about MH's past relationships. I just don't remember how long he was married to her. I've been with him for 9 years. I met him when stepson was 3 yo. That's when I seen my stepson's mom and she was nasty at the time and is still nasty now. She wiped MH's whole bank acct out and took off to Montana without saying a word to him. She ripped my stepson away then and I hope she doesn't do it again

That was a brain fart on my part. But why is he paying for all of that on top of the $800? Court order? Or is he only paying half of those other items?
It isn't court ordered to pay for that on top of the $800. He just does it. I know it's hard to believe but he really is a good father. The reason he did the DNA test was because he feels he got unfair treatment in court cause he was a day late he is now getting wages garnished. They didn't calculate his expenses and income correctly, they went off what the mom said he made. Which she was incorrect about. The only way to bring it back in court was to find a good reason to. He mentioned getting a DNA test cause he never really thought that was his child but he wanted to be his father so he paid for the child his entire life without a court order. But since the court order started garnishing more than we could afford them he decided to get a DNA test. It's all sad! It's a tough situation

You did say you could not afford it see the bolded that came out of your mouth!

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

ClaireFraser said:
@Marchmellow2, When I read your OP I felt really bad for you and your H, especially your H. But the more information you give about the 3 daughters and the reasoning behind just now getting the DNA test, I no longer have sympathy for you guys. You really are coming across as money hungry and that your step son doesn't matter.

I think you're going on my post-it from now on.

Ok. I don't disagree that he should stop paying his grown daughters. But that's what he does. He really didn't want any of this to happen but the mom took him to court and will garnish his wages which doesn't exactly look good to an employer either. He paid CS without a court order my stepsons entire life. For them to garnish wages and not have correct income and expenses makes this tougher on H to swallow. He would have continued to pay for insurance, school supplies, Etc and $400/mo if she didn't drag him to court. She knew he'd find out!! Why do that to your son? Why drag him through this. Why not just be happy with the relationship they have and the money he gets? It's complicated. Anyway "post-it" me if you want. This is a very sad situation and I think it's been taken out of context here. But oh well, I can't fix what my H does for his other kids. It is what it is.

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

Wait.

He's still paying for his adult daughters?

I would have more of a problem with that than paying for a minor.

alanna7777 · October 2013

I find this whole thing so sad-my brother found out his son wasn't his. Both he and the mother (who he was with for years) had mental health and substance abuse issues. The mom told my bro baby wasn't his-My bro tested. He and the girl couldn't leave each other alone and he and my parents and I always still helped even after she went to court to get a test and visitation pulled. Unfortunately she passed away when baby was 18 months and my brother had no rights. Heartbreaking as she and my brother reconciled and he never stopped considering the baby as his. Even worse her family doesn't allow any contact with my brother or any of us. Granted my bro isn't the most together person but he was there for his son's birth and would give anything to see the baby again. And for his girlfriend to be here. You can't turn time back on these things so tread lightly here ok?
Your husband has to be upset at this.
I have a stepdaughter and child support can be tough yes-but I never begrudge a thing we do for her...ya know why? Because she deserves it-all of it-and I am not a huge fan of my husnad's ex-wife I respect her commitment to her daughter and son with her new husband. We live across the country from them and she is doing the best she can.
And I call some bull on your court story too from experience.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

ClaireFraser said:

MEP923 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

KKDRAGONFLY said:
If you can't afford child support for his current kids why are you bringing another into the world?
We can afford it. But what I meant to say is $800/mo was miscalculated by the court. They went off what she told them. We did not have the opportunity to show the court his income and expenses yet. It's all very complicated. We waited to get a lawyer to submit documents cause why hire a lawyer to correct payment if H also wanted a DNA test.

I don't believe a court would go off what the ex-wife said. Even if you were there, income would have had to be proved. You can't just say something.
I agree, I had sympathy at first but it is just gone.
And not being at court is not an excuse. It was your responsibility to be there.

I honestly have a hard time understanding how with today's technology they didn't get the date right. Earlier in the thread she mentioned an old calendar at the house. Um, do you not have cell phones that tell you what day it is? Or that you could program a reminder in to it?

We messed up! He's not tech savvy it's me that does it for him. So really what happened is we marked the calendar instead of me marking my iPhone calander, I marked it manually for him on the calander hanging. We kept saying "Thursday is the 29th take the day off" we never or I never looked at the calander again! Huge mistake!!

74dragonfly · October 2013

This thread is full of win. There is also the part where she cooked food for the party and they wouldn't let her attend.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

ColeRose said:
I am feeling very ragey now between OP and the generalization of Jehovah Witnesses.

I'm not judging all JWs. Just the JW's his daughters are connected with. I believe @jenniferbromley was doing the same. No big generalization just judging the ones we know. I have a family member who is JW and she said that his girls give JWs a bad name. So I don't generalize all JWs

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

He's not tech savvy enough to use a calendar? For fucking really?

2010weddinggal · October 2013

AshPal61 said:

I know this is pretty un-important in the scheme of things on this thread, but I thought JW's don't participate in celebrations? So why would his older kids be hosting a party for 200+ people?

Your right, they do not host parties they do not have parties I know cause my apartment manager is one and I went to his hall once just to see what it was like. They do not celebrate ANYTHING!

Pamelacake · October 2013

I didn't read through all of this mess.. just your first post and effing really! You seem more excited about the money part. I have been through this and DH WAS NOT THE FATHER THROUGH A DNA TEST BUT..... HE STILL FOUGHT FOR HIS CHILDREN AND HAS CUSTODY OF ALL! If you cared at all, the money wouldn't be the big issue. If you and dh want the child in your lives, fight for it. DON'T THROW A PARTY!!!!

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

CinemaGoddess said:
He's not tech savvy enough to use a calendar? For fucking really?

he doesn't use the calander on his phone. I feel like It was me who messed up and we just kept saying Thursday is the day.

Sigir · October 2013

jkjacq71 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Daycare? He's 12. H pays for all school, insurance, supplies, & clothes on top of the $800 a month. I called him the "kid" because it was easier than writing out stepson. I'm talking about this to you guys (on mobile) to explain things rather than putting myself in it. I actually love him very much, and I'm very sad about all of this. I got the results last night and it took me 10 minutes to tell DH cause I was so sad about it. Anyway I don't need to explain my love for my stepson. Again ladies, I DO know everything about MH's past relationships. I just don't remember how long he was married to her. I've been with him for 9 years. I met him when stepson was 3 yo. That's when I seen my stepson's mom and she was nasty at the time and is still nasty now. She wiped MH's whole bank acct out and took off to Montana without saying a word to him. She ripped my stepson away then and I hope she doesn't do it again

That was a brain fart on my part. But why is he paying for all of that on top of the $800? Court order? Or is he only paying half of those other items?
It isn't court ordered to pay for that on top of the $800. He just does it. I know it's hard to believe but he really is a good father. The reason he did the DNA test was because he feels he got unfair treatment in court cause he was a day late he is now getting wages garnished. They didn't calculate his expenses and income correctly, they went off what the mom said he made. Which she was incorrect about. The only way to bring it back in court was to find a good reason to. He mentioned getting a DNA test cause he never really thought that was his child but he wanted to be his father so he paid for the child his entire life without a court order. But since the court order started garnishing more than we could afford them he decided to get a DNA test. It's all sad! It's a tough situation

Ok I have to de-lurk to state something. MOST courts don't just go off "What the mom says the father makes". There are tax returns and paycheck stubs that NEED to be included. If that were the case then every mother who couldn't get their dead beat X to show up and/or pay would totally state "MY ex makes a million dollars a year". That is also the reason, that a lot of men trying to reduce their amount of CS, will 'hide' assets in the new wife/girlfriends names.
OP I did read all your responses and I believe you are shoveling a load of manure.

You either love a child and want to be a parent or you don't. I think that YOU are the one creating the drama behind your H's willingness to support his other children because somehow YOU think your child is going to suffer. If he hasn't minded paying for his adult children for this long I fail to see why the additional expense would be so upsetting at this point in his life.

And as a former single parent for most of my sons life who only received 350/month I can certainly tell you it doesnt BEGIN to cover what he needed.

jkjacq71, THANK YOU!!!

1. If you guys are so disorganized that you miss your court dates, I have very little pity for you. But I did not even go there originally, only now that you are claiming victimhood because of it am I addressing it. You admitted that you missed your court date because you had the wrong month hanging on your calendar. That is pretty lame. I have been to court a million times, and I have never missed a court date because my priorities are in the right place. Sorry, no pity from me on this point.

2. And even if you missed your court date, it is your responsibility to submit your financial documents in advance for a child support hearing. They don't go off what the other party says... unless you were just unwilling to submit documentation (which I suspect, honestly). After a while, if the court does not receive your documentation, they are going to go with what the other party is saying, because many times a parent may try to stonewall the court process and not send in their documents in an attempt to delay a child support increase. Which is what I suspect happened here. So, I don't buy your claim that it was unfairly calculated, because if you had provided your documentation as requested it would not have been.

3. And even if it had been improperly calculated, you have a 30 day appeal process. So you provide your documentation, point out the errors, and get it corrected.

Instead, you guys decided to take a 12 year old child and plan to tell him him that the man he thought was his dad is not, and then put him through a lengthy court process that you will probably not even win. Don't pretend that 'you hope the mom does not tell him' - he is going to know what is going on. His is 12, not 2. You are instigating this, not the bm- -you are the ones who will be inflicting the damage. And he will find out your motivation was money... maybe not immediately, but in the end, the kids always find out.

This is why I say, the OP has absolutely no clue about the system, and what she is embarking on here. I hope she takes a deep breath, consults a good lawyer, and does not destroy this poor boy's life.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I'm a family law attorney in NY State and Im going to give you a bit of legal advice. Your story is getting out all over the bump website. As an attorney, I would advise any of my clients to stop airing their Laundry on a public forum because everything you say here can be introduced against you as evidence in a paternity, support and custody proceedings. Instead of guessing what your options are, you should immediately consult with an attorney and decide how to proceed from there. It might not make any difference that the child is not related biologically to DH because DH has held himself out as the boys father for the last 12 years. Before you go to court or wreck this child's life for no reason, learn about all your legal options. Also if there is a default support order (meaning he failed to show up to court on day of hearing), he should be able to request another hearing with a reasonble excuse provided to the court. It sounds that you desperately need advise of an attorney in your state or the state that the boy resides in. Good luck.

2010weddinggal · October 2013

CinemaGoddess · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

He's not tech savvy enough to use a calendar? For fucking really?

he doesn't use the calander on his phone. I feel like It was me who messed up and we just kept saying Thursday is the day.

lollipoppoop · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

So you guys think he should pay for a child that isn't his?

You are talking about a child.

A.

Child.

Yes, let's punish a child for the sins of it's parents.

Seems legit.
The mom really should have thought about that before she took H to court for child support. She knew he'd find out he wasn't the father. She should have been content with the $400 a month of non court ordered money she was getting his entire life. It is VERY SAD yes. But if she's smart she will wait to tell the child.

----

Sorry im stuck in the grey box again. Content with the $400? Its very possible that the mother DID think the child was his and did need more money to support him. There are two sides to this story of course.

cammyisagirlsname · October 2013

It is my experience with anyone who is a Witness. Male and female. That's all. It's shitty and I hate putting people into a category like that. So yes, it sucks that I'm being all judgy. But I have worked with (and am friends with) a group of Witnesses. They all cheat on their spouses. It is a HUGE known issue amongst this group of people that I know.

blainethetrain · October 2013

This is the most exciting Tuesday we've had in a long time.

2010weddinggal · October 2013

Chillpr said:

I can't with this.... If you're going to court to ask for 12 years of child support back you've got to be off your rocker if you think the mother won't take the child out of your life. Stop being bitter and just cease payment as of this date! He's still his father if he wants to be...the only thing that will change that is all of your attitudes!!!!!!! You need to watch an episode of Judge Judy. She would tell you "You're an idiot."

And then laugh at you when you get caught up in the lies. Sigh I expected way better in a BMB that is so close to the end I thought we weeded out all the crazies

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