Is this super offensive??

VanessaB24 · October 2013

I just think if you "knew her" like you've mentioned a few times then you would know if this offended her or not.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

WickedNE said:
If she's heard it before from people, it might be a touchy subject. Plus coming from someone who doesn't have kids yet, some people get stabby about getting advice. It's nice of you to show concern, but I think it depends on the person with how they'll respond.
Edit: Plus, coming from you, it may make her feel like you don't think she has regard for her own child's safety. If she gets weird like that, I would probably refrain from saying anything in the future. Maybe apologize for questioning her judgment.

Thanks for the advice! I did apologize and she's fine!

Kendra Beam · October 2013

VanessaB24 said:
I just think if you "knew her" like you've mentioned a few times then you would know if this offended her or not.

So now you guys get to decide how well I really know my childhood best friend...

Okay, sounds good.

Tally06 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back: "No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!" So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

It seems like people here take issue with the offensive things you posted on this board and not so much the text you sent. Go ahead and send your friend everything you wrote here and see how that works out. People here were pointing out how little you know about the subject and you freaked. Self-awareness - you need some (probably a lot).

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Tally06 said:

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back:

"No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!"

So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

It seems like people here take issue with the offensive things you posted on this board and not so much the text you sent. Go ahead and send your friend everything you wrote here and see how that works out. People here were pointing out how little you know about the subject and you freaked. Self-awareness - you need some (probably a lot).

I'm going to go ahead and quote myself here:

"I forgot...none of you have ever thought a bad thought about your friends before, and GOD FORBID you ever gossip about it instead of telling her to her face how you really feel. I wish I knew the exact amount of time it takes each of you to do just that after flaming me here."

There is a reason I shared my feelings here instead of directly with her.

KTdidit · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

I just think if you "knew her" like you've mentioned a few times then you would know if this offended her or not.
So now you guys get to decide how well I really know my childhood best friend... Okay, sounds good.

Dude you need to chill out! I think anyone will agree that if we read all the stuff you said about her from OUR friends we'd be hurt. You included, don't even try to deny it. So defensive.

Babyhull4 · October 2013

I don't think you were wrong but he can probably turn his head and roll over by now.

Tally06 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back: "No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!" So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

It seems like people here take issue with the offensive things you posted on this board and not so much the text you sent. Go ahead and send your friend everything you wrote here and see how that works out. People here were pointing out how little you know about the subject and you freaked. Self-awareness - you need some (probably a lot).
I'm going to go ahead and quote myself here: "I forgot...none of you have ever thought a bad thought about your friends before, and GOD FORBID you ever gossip about it instead of telling her to her face how you really feel. I wish I knew the exact amount of time it takes each of you to do just that after flaming me here." There is a reason I shared my feelings here instead of directly with her.

Again... you are missing the point. I am not judging you for venting about your friend. I am judging you for writing things like SAHM's should put their all into mothering because that is their job. The fact that you don't see how offensive your comments come across illustrates my point above - you need a major dose of self-awareness.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

kaholland4 said:

Kendra Beam said:

I just think if you "knew her" like you've mentioned a few times then you would know if this offended her or not.
So now you guys get to decide how well I really know my childhood best friend... Okay, sounds good.

Dude you need to chill out! I think anyone will agree that if we read all the stuff you said about her from OUR friends we'd be hurt. You included, don't even try to deny it. So defensive.

This is getting really old.

There is a REASON she doesn't know about the things I said, and a reason I chose this forum (although I'm second guessing myself now). I don't WANT to hurt her, which is why these things were said in secret. My only crime is gossip. Can any of you say you don't gossip?

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Bookshelves said:

Kendra Beam said:

I forgot...none of you have ever thought a bad thought about your friends before, and GOD FORBID you ever gossip about it instead of telling her to her face how you really feel. I wish I knew the exact amount of time it takes each of you to do just that after flaming me here.
We keep coming back to this. Psst -- you started this thread.

Anyway, you're right, none of us know what it's like to be you, and thank goodness for that.

Bookshelves...I know you recognize my screen name. I know you know I don't like you. And obviously you don't like me. So why the F are you lurking my posts, you creeper? Ignore me. Go away. I don't give two craps about your opinion.

And I'd much rather be me than someone who wastes my life away on this board starting crap with people.

Seriously. Back off.

Soap1 · October 2013

Tally06 said:

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back: "No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!" So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

It seems like people here take issue with the offensive things you posted on this board and not so much the text you sent. Go ahead and send your friend everything you wrote here and see how that works out. People here were pointing out how little you know about the subject and you freaked. Self-awareness - you need some (probably a lot).
I'm going to go ahead and quote myself here: "I forgot...none of you have ever thought a bad thought about your friends before, and GOD FORBID you ever gossip about it instead of telling her to her face how you really feel. I wish I knew the exact amount of time it takes each of you to do just that after flaming me here." There is a reason I shared my feelings here instead of directly with her.

Again... you are missing the point. I am not judging you for venting about your friend. I am judging you for writing things like SAHM's should put their all into mothering because that is their job. The fact that you don't see how offensive your comments come across illustrates my point above - you need a major dose of self-awareness.

Bingo

Winnieella · October 2013

megash113 said:

I think your concern is legitimate from your standpoint. You've been doing a lot of research, so naturally, this would concern you. I think from her standpoint though, it probably came off as super judgmental from someone who doesn't really know what she's talking about. Parenting is one of those things that you really need to walk the walk before you can talk the talk. I'm a FTM too, so I get it - I get the research and thinking you know a lot of stuff, but I also know that once baby is here I'm going to get put in my place hardcore.

I think your heart was in the right place initially (I'm side eyeing you for some of the comments you made about her in follow up replies, but I'll leave those alone) but a formal apology is in order. If it was me, I'd say, "I'm sorry if you thought I was judging you. I really wasn't. It's just that I'm doing so much research right now that it got my concern up, but I know I don't know everything and I'm not calling you a bad mom at all. I'm really sorry if it came across that way, I'm just so anxious about all of this baby stuff!"

I agree with this.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

WildFlower26 said:
I realize I am late to the party, but it is worth repeating.

You asked if you were out of line. The answer is yes, you were out of line. Being a mother is unlike anything else you have ever done. You have no idea of until it happens to you.

I appreciate this input. You will note how she doesn't attack or judge. She simply answers my question. This is all I wanted when I posted this board.

Chereen · October 2013

Um no little missy. We ALL don't judge our friends in secret. I only have a hand full of girl friends that I care about like they are my sisters. You want to know why? Because when I'm out of line, acting crazy or doing something wrong they tell me. They still have my back and if I needed them to do something crazy with me they would, but they would tell me I'm wrong. And I'm the same way with them. GOD FORBID I had a so called friend like you who judged me behind my back.

I originally understood your concern, but then you just kept talking shit on her. She's not here to defend her self or her son. So maybe that's why we all got defensive, we were standing up for her on her behalf. If you would of said " oh, I didn't realizise a 6mo old could roll over"...... This thread wouldn't of gotten to where It is. But instead you just kept talking down about your friend. Just goes to show what kind of a person you are.

ETA: spelling I'm in mobile

KatM84 · October 2013

So it's OK for you to judge her and make her feel like complete crap, but you don't want anyone saying anything to you about the comments you made? If a bunch of internet "strangers" make you this angry for their comments, imagine how she felt hearing that judgement coming from one of her best friends? I'm sure she only responded to you because you apologized. It would've have taken me while to get over it, for sure.

bugandbibs · October 2013

Anyone else doubting that the friend's follow-up text is legit?

jessher · October 2013

Just want to point out to the OP that you may have felt it was ok to gossip a bit about your friend here, but what you actually did was throw your friend under the bus in an attempt to make your actions seem more reasonable. That is not being a good friend.

You said more and more negative things about her because you wanted to make your own actions toward her not seem as judgemental. To save yourself, you threw your childhood bff under the bus NUMEROUS times. It does not speak well to your character. It doesn't matter only how you APPEAR to be to your friend, it matters how you are It doesn't matter if she never knows. It matters that this is the standard you hold yourself to.

RondackHiker · October 2013

No. I don't judge my friends. And I especially don't judge friends to the point you did in this post.

If there's someone I disagree with so strongly on how he or she is living his or her life, I'm either good enough friends to talk about it and share my concerns (perhaps in this case, "hey, you doing okay? You've mentioned money is tight and that it'd be easier if it worked. Is something holding you back from doing that? Are you stressed about leaving your baby or are the babysistters you have not reliable? Is there any way I can help you handle things so that you can stay home if that's what you want?"). If we weren't good enough friends and I thought she was lazy and a crap mom, then I'd stop hanging out and being friends. Part of being friends is being an actual friend to a person. Not just to their face, but really being a friend.

Yeah, everyone needs to vent about people they're in a relationship with at some point. But this isn't venting. This is being a judgmental jerk.

Tally06 · October 2013

bugandbibs said:

Anyone else doubting that the friend's follow-up text is legit?

Yes! Especially since a few pages back she wrote this:
"I'm not saying anyone doesn't value their children, but I will tell you in the text she sent me back she said "if I'm not meant to have my son, so be it."

But then on page 4 wrote this:
"No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!"

So, was she busy all morning and forgot to reply or did she send the first message?

Kendra Beam · October 2013

I'm sorry but I don't believe none of you judge or gossip about your friends. Women are catty. Every friend I have judges me behind my back and sometimes gossips. It does hurt, and I appreciate it when they're up front with me instead, but I forgive them when they're not because I know they do the same.

Even the friend I'm talking about right now has recently shared things that she used to think about me that would have offended the hell out of me at the time.

I'll try to teach my daughter not to be catty, but really...it's just a fact of life.

Tally06 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

I realize I am late to the party, but it is worth repeating. You asked if you were out of line. The answer is yes, you were out of line. Being a mother is unlike anything else you have ever done. You have no idea of until it happens to you.
I appreciate this input. You will note how she doesn't attack or judge. She simply answers my question. This is all I wanted when I posted this board.

If this is "all you wanted" then maybe you should have refrained from posting statements like these:

"but being a mom is her full time job. She doesn't work outside the home, in fact she refuses to even though her family needs it financially."

"That's what I said: "being a mom is her full time job." I didn't say she doesn't work at all. I said that IS her job, and therefore she should give it everything."

"I'm saying I can see how it would be especially frustrating for someone with a crying baby who won't go to sleep whenever thy ave to get up for work the next morning, but she doesn't."

The above statements show your complete lack understanding of what it is like to be a mom to a newborn who doesn't sleep whether you stay at home or work AND are insulting to both SAHM moms and working moms.

You said some dumb things and got your ass handed to you. It's your fault that you are unable to recognize the ridiculousness or offensive nature of these comments.

ETA: Typo - missed a word

RondackHiker · October 2013

Ah, the old women are catty thing.

We just can't help it ladies. Our vaginas make us catty and nasty and cruel to our friends.

We can't be honest and upfront like those menfolk. Darn uteruses get in the way.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Tally06 said:

Kendra Beam said:

WildFlower26 said:
I realize I am late to the party, but it is worth repeating.

You asked if you were out of line. The answer is yes, you were out of line. Being a mother is unlike anything else you have ever done. You have no idea of until it happens to you.
I appreciate this input. You will note how she doesn't attack or judge. She simply answers my question. This is all I wanted when I posted this board.

If this "all you wanted" then maybe you should have refrained from posting statements like these:

"but being a mom is her full time job. She doesn't work outside the home,
in fact she refuses to even though her family needs it financially."

"That's what I said: "being a mom is her full time job." I didn't say she
doesn't work at all. I said that IS her job, and therefore she should
give it everything."

"I'm saying I can see how it would be especially frustrating for someone
with a crying baby who won't go to sleep whenever thy ave to get up for
work the next morning, but she doesn't."

The above statements show your complete lack understanding of what it is like to be a mom to a newborn who doesn't sleep whether you stay at home or work AND are insulting to both SAHM moms and working moms.

You said some dumb things and got your ass handed to you. It's your fault that you are unable to recognize the ridiculousness or offensive nature of these comments.

Sorry but these comments are only offended to someone who wants to be offended. Maybe they sound ignorant to you if you've already experienced motherhood. Roll your eyes at me and move on.

KatM84 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

I'm sorry but I don't believe none of you judge or gossip about your friends. Women are catty. Every friend I have judges me behind my back and sometimes gossips. It does hurt, and I appreciate it when they're up front with me instead, but I forgive them when they're not because I know they do the same. Even the friend I'm talking about right now has recently shared things that she used to think about me that would have offended the hell out of me at the time. I'll try to teach my daughter not to be catty, but really...it's just a fact of life.

Yuck. And this ladies, is a true "mean girl." I'm so thankful for my friends.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Tally06 said:

bugandbibs said:

Anyone else doubting that the friend's follow-up text is legit?

Yes! Especially since a few pages back she wrote this:
"I'm not saying anyone doesn't value their children, but I will tell you
in the text she sent me back she said "if I'm not meant to have my son,
so be it."

But then on page 4 wrote this:
"No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!"

So, was she busy all morning and forgot to reply or did she send the first message?

Not that I have to justify myself to you, but she sent that text, then I replied saying I understood and changing the subject to my upcoming visit. She then stopped responding until after I apologized.

lovethembabies · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Soap1 said:

Kendra Beam said:

That's the thing I'm pretty sure she pits him to sleep like that. If he did it himself I wouldn't think it's an issue but it kind of bugs me because I know how she is and I think she just didn't want I deal with him not going to sleep so she put him on his stomach.

Some babies really won't sleep on their backs. DS2 wouldn't. As soon as he could pick his head up easily, I started letting him sleep on his belly (prob around 2-3 months old).

I think she's probably frustrated that someone who hasn't ever had a baby is coming at her with all this research saying what she's doing will cause SIDS when that's not even necessarily the case. Her baby is 6 months old, he can roll and has sufficient head control, and he won't sleep on his back. Since you haven't been in that situation, it's hard for her to take your advice seriously.

I would definitely eye roll you if you sent me something like that when I had a 6 month old.

And ETA: "dealing with him not going to sleep" - if you've ever had a baby who refuses to sleep and you're exhausted and so is he, you'd know that it's a lot easier said than done :P

I realize how it sounds, but being a mom is her full time job. She doesn't work outside the home, in fact she refuses to even though her family needs it financially. Also she is a first time mom herself so it's not like she has this vast ocean of experience that I don't have. I'm going to be a full time mom as well, and I'm telling you, my baby will sleep on her back whether she likes it or not. Neither of us will sleep until she does. She will just have to learn the hard way. I am terrified of SIDS after seeing this girl go through it. But I guess everyone has their own methods. And like I said before, I wouldn't have said anything if we weren't close.

Uh huh. Until you get to the point where you're falling asleep standing up with your baby in your arms and you have to decide if that's really safer than the baby sleeping on her belly.

If I were you, I would apologize to your friend for coming off as judgmental, and explain that you were spooked by this other friend's experience with SIDS, and it has you on high alert because you don't want to see anything happen to the babies you love. Then let it go.

Tally06 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

I realize I am late to the party, but it is worth repeating. You asked if you were out of line. The answer is yes, you were out of line. Being a mother is unlike anything else you have ever done. You have no idea of until it happens to you.
I appreciate this input. You will note how she doesn't attack or judge. She simply answers my question. This is all I wanted when I posted this board.

If this "all you wanted" then maybe you should have refrained from posting statements like these:

"but being a mom is her full time job. She doesn't work outside the home, in fact she refuses to even though her family needs it financially."

"That's what I said: "being a mom is her full time job." I didn't say she doesn't work at all. I said that IS her job, and therefore she should give it everything."

"I'm saying I can see how it would be especially frustrating for someone with a crying baby who won't go to sleep whenever thy ave to get up for work the next morning, but she doesn't."

The above statements show your complete lack understanding of what it is like to be a mom to a newborn who doesn't sleep whether you stay at home or work AND are insulting to both SAHM moms and working moms.

You said some dumb things and got your ass handed to you. It's your fault that you are unable to recognize the ridiculousness or offensive nature of these comments.
Sorry but these comments are only offended to someone who wants to be offended. Maybe they sound ignorant to you if you've already experienced motherhood. Roll your eyes at me and move on.

Ummm...no. Your comments insinuate that working moms don't "give it their all" when mothering due to other commitments and that SAHMs don't need sleep. That IS offensive. Taking care of a newborn while being a stay at home mom requires as much sleep as having to get up to practice law. I have done both.

ETA: Don't worry. EVERYONE here is rolling her eyes at you. This fact should give you a moments pause. This is where you reflect and consider that you *might* be wrong.

MoxyByProxy · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

1. Everyone needs sleep. 2. I never said working moms don't give their children their all. Where did you get that? I'm simply saying that working moms who have demands outside the home have obligations apart from their baby. This means that it affects them more if they are up all night. 3. As far as the convenience thing, that's how I really feel. I guess I can't share how I really feel here, but I'm pretty sure some of you would feel the same way if you knew everything I know.

I keep waiting to understand how her working situation or financial situation has ANYTHING to do with her baby sleeping on their stomachs. You opened the door here with the details you provided. Im with the PP's. It wasnt until you started adding in the "other" information that YOU became offensive and judgmental.

As a mom of a 12yo and 15yo .. who were side sleepers because when they were babies, THAT was encouraged.. they even sold wedges to keep your baby on their sides.

You really DONT know.. your taking information that you have gathered on the net.. which btw.. kudos for doing research and your concern is valid .. but as the other pp's said.. Just you wait. When your covered in puke and shit and sleep deprived and you pray to just go pee without holding that baby while trying to pull your pants down..or taking a crap and trying to hurry because that little monster is screaming such a blood curdling cry you will do ANYTHING to stop it.. or its been 4 days since you showered, THEN come at your friend with some judgment about how you'll never do THIS or THAT.

Text your friend back.. tell her.. "im sorry if i sounded like an asshole.. this is all new to me, and i really was just coming from a place of concern.. lets do lunch sometime soon"

and leave it alone for the day.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

KatM84 said:

Kendra Beam said:

I'm sorry but I don't believe none of you judge or gossip about your friends. Women are catty. Every friend I have judges me behind my back and sometimes gossips. It does hurt, and I appreciate it when they're up front with me instead, but I forgive them when they're not because I know they do the same.

Even the friend I'm talking about right now has recently shared things that she used to think about me that would have offended the hell out of me at the time.

I'll try to teach my daughter not to be catty, but really...it's just a fact of life.

Yuck. And this ladies, is a true "mean girl." I'm so thankful for my friends.

Lol, I'm sorry but I think censoring what you share with your friends what you think of their actions to avoid hurting them is a LOT nicer than tearing apart strangers on the internet like a pack of ravenous wolves.

Believe me it's only for her feelings that I've avoided saying something before, because if I was only concerned about the kid I would have torn her apart a long time ago.

JordyInIndy · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:
I'm going to be a full time mom as well, and I'm telling you, my baby will sleep on her back whether she likes it or not. Neither of us will sleep until she does. She will just have to learn the hard way.

Hey, good luck with that.

And I'll say it I hope your baby doesn't sleep. Ever. On its front or back.

Kendra Beam · October 2013

JordyInIndy said:

Kendra Beam said:
I'm going to be a full time mom as well, and I'm telling you, my baby will sleep on her back whether she likes it or not. Neither of us will sleep until she does. She will just have to learn the hard way.
Hey, good luck with that.

And I'll say it I hope your baby doesn't sleep. Ever. On its front or back.

We don't like each other either. I thought we established this...? I stay off of your posts, you stay off of mine.

Babyhull4 · October 2013

is it okay to come back out yet?? X_X lol

Kendra Beam · October 2013

I'm going to block them as soon as I have a minute to figure it out.

KatM84 · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

I'm sorry but I don't believe none of you judge or gossip about your friends. Women are catty. Every friend I have judges me behind my back and sometimes gossips. It does hurt, and I appreciate it when they're up front with me instead, but I forgive them when they're not because I know they do the same. Even the friend I'm talking about right now has recently shared things that she used to think about me that would have offended the hell out of me at the time. I'll try to teach my daughter not to be catty, but really...it's just a fact of life.

Yuck. And this ladies, is a true "mean girl." I'm so thankful for my friends.
Lol, I'm sorry but I think censoring what you share with your friends what you think of their actions to avoid hurting them is a LOT nicer than tearing apart strangers on the internet like a pack of ravenous wolves. Believe me it's only for her feelings that I've avoided saying something before, because if I was only concerned about the kid I would have torn her apart a long time ago.

Your friends with someone you would have torn apart? Maybe it's time to reevaluate your friendship...

MoxyByProxy · October 2013

Bookshelves we can always count on you to be helpful, even when your being a ravenous wolf! :bz

Kendra Beam · October 2013

Bookshelves said:

Kendra Beam said:
I'm going to block them as soon as I have a minute to figure it out.
Click my name, then click "ignore." HTH!

Why can't you just leave me alone? Like, why are you so obsessed with me?? (Mean Girls reference, since obviously I am Regina George over here;-D)

RondackHiker · October 2013

So she's told a lot of the people in this thread that she doesn't like them. Why can't she extend the same courtesy to her friend?

Also, I was going to ask why she keeps hanging around when she doesn't actually like anyone here, and then I realized it's because she's used to not liking women and thinking badly of them. That's how she and her friends in real life act toward one another, as she's already stated.

And I'm not addressing this to her, because I assume I'm going to be on ignore in about three seconds.

MoxyByProxy · October 2013

Kendra Beam said:

I'm going to block them as soon as I have a minute to figure it out.
Click my name, then click "ignore." HTH!
Why can't you just leave me alone? Like, why are you so obsessed with me?? (Mean Girls reference, since obviously I am Regina George over here;-D)

Even kidding around, you know that a statement like this is really shitty. You posted on here asking a question.. you got answers.. If you wanted a yes or no answer, maybe you should have done a poll.

Every reply you make now is getting more and more ridiculous and its really sad to see you circling the drain because you put your foot in your mouth.

No not everyone judges their friends. You can rant.. you can confide in others.. but you were judgmental. Accept it.. move on and stop feeding the thread by digging yourself in deeper.

micaelasmakeup · October 2013

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