Is this super offensive??

1linedrawing

May I remind you that YOU ASKED FOR OUR OPINIONS by starting this thread? Don't get all huffy puffy because we don't agree with you.

Kendra Beam

Thank you for your opinions. They are what I wanted and they HAVE helped me see that I may have come off as judgmental.

But as always when I post here, I went looking for advice. I thought someone might say "yeah that would have offended me." Or "no, you did the right thing."

Instead I was cursed at and belittled and even told that someone wanted to slap me. It's messed up, you know? And you wonder why I might want to defend myself.

For the record, if I was doing something that might hurt my child I would want someone to tell me. Even now I always have a coworker getting onto me when she sees me drinking coffee...not gently either. I've laid down the law with her, but I still consider her a friend, and I'm not offended just because we do things differently

azzyberry

Basically I agree with everyone else.

You may not have intended to be judgmental in the texts you sent her, but you were.  Your posts in this thread are FULL of judgement.  If a friend of mine sent me a text like that I would have felt judged, especially when it comes from someone who does not have a child yet and has never been in that position.  You can do all the research you want, but nothing will truly prepare you for what it's like to be an actual parent.  

You said that we don't know all the story but do you?  Unless you are with her and her child in their house 24/7, you don't know the whole story either.  You may think you do, but you don't.

MYOB.

RondackHiker

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

All we know of the situation is what you say.

From what you've said, you sound super judgmental to her and to any mom who doesn't do things perfectly. 

Scroll up and read the text I sent her. I dare you to tell me it sounded judgmental.

I did.

If I was a mom who struggled with a baby who hadn't slept, and who was exhausted... if I got that message I'd be pissed and feel judged. You implied that she did not do any research and that she was clearly not knowledgeable about back sleeping. You said you were worried about her baby, which to a tired mom sounds a heck of a lot like she's putting the baby at risk. I would feel judged and would ignore you.

But hey, her child clearly isn't worth it to her.

Again, you have no idea what sleep deprivation can do. I've had friends sobbing hysterically, constantly, because they were so damn tired. One had a baby girl who was literally GETTING SICK from lack of sleep. Clearly it's better to reach that stage than to ensure you both have a good night's sleep.

Well considering this is coming from a stranger who just said they wanted to slap me, I'm going to just assume you're a pissy person=)

Smack, actually. And you asked for opinions. My honest opinion is yes, saying something super judgmental about a sleep deprived mom (and "just doesn't want to deal" is horrifically judgmental) is horrible enough that I feel the urge to smack you and hug her. I hate people who continue mommy wars and guilt moms and imply other moms aren't doing a good enough job or trying hard enough. Doesn't mean I would follow through, but the urge is there. That "just doesn't want to deal" line is horrible. Absolutely horrible. And to be followed by you saying she doesn't love her kid enough to think he's worth it? Ick ick ick.

Where do you get off?  

You asked for opinions. My opinion is that yes, what you said is pretty offensive. If she's really your BFF and you've been friends this long, I bet she knows what you're thinking and feeling, even if you haven't shared all this judgmental crap with her yet. If I was her, I'd ignore you for the day as well.

Robinandbaby

I haven't read all the comments, just finished the first page, but here's my two cents. I 100% believe you were coming from a sincere, trying to be helpful place, I really do, but I think that until you've actually had a child, there are some things you might just not fully understand (I know I didn't). One of those things is how new mothers tend to second guess everything they are doing and can be extremely sensitive to someone pointing out what they may or may not be doing wrong. That's why even though you didn't mean to sound judgement all, it probably totally came off that way to her. She probably doesn't really like the fact that baby sleeps on their tummy (you have to be totally clueless to have missed the whole "back to sleep" movement), but if that's what it takes to get baby to sleep, that's what it takes, especially for a 6mo. Also, I am a "full time, stay at home mom" and trust me, sleep deprivation with a baby IS NOT like when you stayed up for a week cramming for college finals, it is SERIOUS and it is really hard...EVEN IF you don't have a "job" to go to the next day. In sum: I have found that the more I am a parent, the less I actually know about parenting. Trust me in this one.
Edited for spelling

Kendra Beam

RondackHiker said:

Kendra Beam said:

RondackHiker said:

Kendra Beam said:

RondackHiker said:

All we know of the situation is what you say.

From what you've said, you sound super judgmental to her and to any mom who doesn't do things perfectly. 

Scroll up and read the text I sent her. I dare you to tell me it sounded judgmental.

I did.

If I was a mom who struggled with a baby who hadn't slept, and who was exhausted... if I got that message I'd be pissed and feel judged. You implied that she did not do any research and that she was clearly not knowledgeable about back sleeping. You said you were worried about her baby, which to a tired mom sounds a heck of a lot like she's putting the baby at risk. I would feel judged and would ignore you.

But hey, her child clearly isn't worth it to her.

Again, you have no idea what sleep deprivation can do. I've had friends sobbing hysterically, constantly, because they were so damn tired. One had a baby girl who was literally GETTING SICK from lack of sleep. Clearly it's better to reach that stage than to ensure you both have a good night's sleep.

Well considering this is coming from a stranger who just said they wanted to slap me, I'm going to just assume you're a pissy person=)

Smack, actually. And you asked for opinions. My honest opinion is yes, saying something super judgmental about a sleep deprived mom (and "just doesn't want to deal" is horrifically judgmental) is horrible enough that I feel the urge to smack you and hug her. I hate people who continue mommy wars and guilt moms and imply other moms aren't doing a good enough job or trying hard enough. Doesn't mean I would follow through, but the urge is there. That "just doesn't want to deal" line is horrible. Absolutely horrible. And to be followed by you saying she doesn't love her kid enough to think he's worth it? Ick ick ick.

Where do you get off?  

You asked for opinions. My opinion is that yes, what you said is pretty offensive. If she's really your BFF and you've been friends this long, I bet she knows what you're thinking and feeling, even if you haven't shared all this judgmental crap with her yet. If I was her, I'd ignore you for the day as well.

Okay, would you like to tell me the difference between a smack and a slap since apparently that's an issue...?

I would NEVER say the things to her that I've said to you guys on this board. I agree they sound super judgmental but those are my unadulterated, unfiltered feelings on the subject. If there was the slightest chance she would ever see this then I would never dare post this information.

I forgot this isn't a safe space.

MamaHollywood27

Hmmm well we currently have a HUGE anti co sleeping campaign going on in se Wisconsin. I have co slept and breasted all 4 of my children and am I going to stop w this baby my 5th? Nope... Like some pp said sleep deprivation can be a killer! And I have never had an issue... Not to mention it doesn't help the campaign gets brought up on the news and the last 15 or so cases have involved alcohol or drugs and the parent/ guardian responsible was under the influence! So it wasn't the actual co sleeping but the incoherent parent who was not right... Anyways she is probably annoyed, I'm sure she will get over it... But like someone said.... You just wait! U may end up being so sleep deprived u warm a bottle in the microwave! *gasp!!!* desperate times cause for desperate measures lol

notreal2

I'm sorry, but is is people like you who kept me from getting the PPD help I needed last pregnancy.  Silent judging is fine, we all do it, but the moment you put that judgement to words, and real people can hear you, then it needs to stop.

Kendra Beam

I guess I just forget that people aren't like me lol. When people give me unsolicited advice I am very easygoing about it. Like I said, I have a coworker who ALWAYS gets onto me for drinking coffee. If she had stopped after the first time it wouldn't bother me at all. It only bothers me because she's done it about a thousand times. I just tell her my doctor said its fine and move on. We don't argue. I don't ignore her for any amount of time because Of it. I just tell her to get off my back.

KTdidit

The text in and of itself didn't have anything offensive. It was all the follow-up comments that make you judgemental. Everything from judging her for not having a job, to saying that SAHMs don't need sleep and WMs don't give their childrent heir all, to assuming that "a lot of the decisions she's made have been made based on her convenience and not what's best for her baby".

You dug yourself a deeper and deeper hole as you went on and now you're hurt that we called you out on it.

Kendra Beam

1. Everyone needs sleep.

2. I never said working moms don't give their children their all. Where did you get that? I'm simply saying that working moms who have demands outside the home have obligations apart from their baby. This means that it affects them more if they are up all night.

3. As far as the convenience thing, that's how I really feel. I guess I can't share how I really feel here, but I'm pretty sure some of you would feel the same way if you knew everything I know.

ras26

I think you got your answer of yes, many of us would find that offensive.  Just joining here, I think the flames you got were not because of the initial question, but because of your follow-up responses.  You really came off badly as a "I will never..." FTM. 

You really seem to have no clue what sleep deprivation can be like.  DD would only sleep if I held her (no one else) and I couldn't fall asleep holding her for fear that I'd smother her or some other terrible fate.  I was a wreck.  One day DH took her so I could sleep for just 3 hours, and DD cried the entire. time.  My guess is you would also say you'd never let your baby cry for 3 hours (even if her father was desperately trying everything to make it stop) but at some point you HAVE to sleep. 

Kendra Beam

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

micaelasmakeup

azzyberry

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

OMG, for the love of all things, just stop.

You know nothing....NOTHING.  You are not making yourself sound any better.

The answer to your question is YES, we find what you did/said offensive.

Let it go.

Kendra Beam

azzyberry said:

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

OMG, for the love of all things, just stop.

You know nothing....NOTHING.  You are not making yourself sound any better.

The answer to your question is YES, we find what you did/said offensive.

Let it go.

Thanks but I will comment on the post that I started for as long as I please. You can "just stop" if you want.

RondackHiker

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

And this sounds like a recipe for PPD.

Kendra Beam

Just a question: do we share our thoughts and feelings and plans on this board or don't we?
Because I was under the impression that that's what this place is for, but the second I share my true feelings about something I see a friend doing that I don't agree with, I get blasted.
The cold hard truth is: nearly everything this girl does I would do differently. Again I would never say that to her face. Am I also not allowed to say that here...? What's the deal?

Chereen

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

You sound like a ( word I can't say here). Just stop. Now your making it sound like your " friend " intentionally ignores her baby. We all (including your friend) will/do give it our all. If and when our babies cry at night we all will or already do get up and check on them and put them back to sleep.

Kendra Beam

Chereen said:

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

You sound like a ( word I can't say here). Just stop. Now your making it sound like your " friend " intentionally ignores her baby. We all (including your friend) will/do give it our all. If and when our babies cry at night we all will or already do get up and check on them and put them back to sleep.

For the love of all things holy...no one said you didn't.
Perhaps the problem is that you are all (SOMEHOW) taking this post and my subsequent "judgments" as a personal attack when in reality I know nothing about YOUR parenting.

queeniecrayon

Someone's going to need to throw you a ladder pretty soon, that joke you're digging is getting pretty damn deep.

I hope you can successfully do EVERYTHING you say you're going to...I'd hate to see you make a liar out of yourself...

And in all seriousness, you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. Good luck...

Codypup

Kendra Beam said:

1. Everyone needs sleep. 2. I never said working moms don't give their children their all. Where did you get that? I'm simply saying that working moms who have demands outside the home have obligations apart from their baby. This means that it affects them more if they are up all night. 3. As far as the convenience thing, that's how I really feel. I guess I can't share how I really feel here, but I'm pretty sure some of you would feel the same way if you knew everything I know.

Can you elaborate on this? What don't we know?

Look, I said this before, but I do believe your comment to her came from a place of care and concern. It's some of your follow up posts that raised my eyebrows. 

I really am curious though about what else there is to know. 

Kendra Beam

All I have are my ideals. I will stick to them fiercely until the time comes for me to be put in my place, but that time has not yet come, and I hope it never will.

Soap1

Kendra Beam said:

Just a question: do we share our thoughts and feelings and plans on this board or don't we? Because I was under the impression that that's what this place is for, but the second I share my true feelings about something I see a friend doing that I don't agree with, I get blasted. The cold hard truth is: nearly everything this girl does I would do differently. Again I would never say that to her face. Am I also not allowed to say that here...? What's the deal?

That's what we're doing.  We're sharing our thoughts and feelings with you.  And you saying "what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying." sounds pretty damn judgmental.  You do know that dying why trying to give your child care is not really good for the child in the end right?  Same goes for ending up with PPD or physically ill because you haven't slept.  Please stop saying what you're 100% going to do.  Maybe you'll be lucky and have a very easy baby who sleeps 2-3 hours at a time for the first few months, but maybe you won't.  Until you've been there, stop judging and saying what you'll do, because all it sounds like is "I'm a better mom than you guys because I will do this for my child."

You're not allowed to judge other moms who are clearly just trying their best.  I mean, clearly you CAN, but we will call you out and share our "thoughts and feelings" about your judgmental attitude.

What happened to you saying you were going to stop replying?  Everything you say keeps getting worse and worse. 

Kendra Beam

I never said I was going to stop replying. You misread my words and then (laughably) quoted them. Scroll up.

Would it help if I said that you are all freakin PERFECT mothers and she is the only one I'm "judging"?

notreal2

Kendra Beam said:

All I can say to that is that I was a very high-strung baby, but my mother still came every time I cried, rocked me to sleep every night, then put me down, and if I started screaming she would rock me to sleep again. It's NOT a judgment on anyone else...but what she gave to me is what I KNOW I can give to my child, and what I WILL give, or die trying.

With all due respect, this is the way your mom remembers it.  My mom claims she never got morning sickness and I slept through the night from the beginning.  Other people who were there remember it differently.  Don't kill yourself  trying to live up to an impossible standard.  Most people only think they are perfect.

sdlaura

Once babies can roll over, most sleep on their stomachs. Mine started around 5 months or so. My pediatrician is fine with it. Also, once we are on this BMB when all of our babies start to turn 4+ months, you will start to see lots of posts where one mom freaks out that her baby sleeps on her stomach, and most other moms tell her not to freak out, that their babies do it too, and that it's normal once they can roll back and forth on their own.

Kendra Beam

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

katykatykaty

Kendra Beam said:

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

Lurking, but no they're not. 

Kendra Beam

katykatykaty said:

Kendra Beam said:

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

Lurking, but no they're not. 


Actually yes they are. You know how I know? Because I'M the one who feels judged. So yeah. Don't tell me they're not coming off as judgmental because you couldn't possibly know how they're coming off to ME, now could you?

Kendra Beam

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back:

"No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!"

So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

katykatykaty

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

Lurking, but no they're not. 

Actually yes they are. You know how I know? Because I'M the one who feels judged. So yeah. Don't tell me they're not coming off as judgmental because you couldn't possibly know how they're coming off to ME, now could you?

This makes no sense. 

theseaword

Your text was annoying and not all that informed, actually. Most doctors will say that once the baby can roll, it's ok to let them stay on their bellies. 

Kendra Beam

katykatykaty said:

Kendra Beam said:

Kendra Beam said:

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

Lurking, but no they're not. 

Actually yes they are. You know how I know? Because I'M the one who feels judged. So yeah. Don't tell me they're not coming off as judgmental because you couldn't possibly know how they're coming off to ME, now could you?
This makes no sense. 

Well I guess it wouldn't if you're not using your brain

Weber22

There is a lot of difference between someone telling you your drinking to much coffee to telling you how to raise your child . I hope you see the difference once you become a mom . It changes everything and they way you think and act . I thought no problems feed my baby and then it sleeps . Oh gee oh my was I wrong . I was crying in the corner when he wouldn't sleep or stop crying . But I got through it and I'm doing it again . I hope your friendship continues with your friend but I would just keep comments to yourself and do the best to raise your child !

Kendra Beam

TwilightMV said:

Your text was annoying and not all that informed, actually. Most doctors will say that once the baby can roll, it's ok to let them stay on their bellies. 

Yeah I read that. I sent the text because that's how she's putting him down, not how he's rolling over.

Soap1

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back: "No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!" So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

Good on you for apologizing.  I think most posters here weren't so concerned with the content of your text message to your friend.  Instead, most of us were responding to the increasingly judgmental posts in your responses.

But you've gotten your validation from your friend, so I'm sure you can feel free to continue judging her in secret!

Kendra Beam

HashtagRainbow said:

Kendra Beam said:

katykatykaty said:

Kendra Beam said:

PS - these are my thoughts and feelings. If you want me to accept yours, accept mine, too. You are all coming off just as judgmental as I am.

Lurking, but no they're not. 

Actually yes they are. You know how I know? Because I'M the one who feels judged. So yeah. Don't tell me they're not coming off as judgmental because you couldn't possibly know how they're coming off to ME, now could you?

Perhaps you're feeling like you're being judged because nobody is agreeing with you and you're getting defensive?

Several people do agree with me. And no one has to agree with me, but some discretion in how that is expressed to me would be appreciated.

Kendra Beam

Soap1 said:

Kendra Beam said:

Just apologized to my friend and got this text back:

"No worries! I've just been busy all morning and forgot to reply is all. I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!"

So looks like the only ones offended were you guys. Over something I didn't even say to you.

Good on you for apologizing.  I think most posters here weren't so concerned with the content of your text message to your friend.  Instead, most of us were responding to the increasingly judgmental posts in your responses.

But you've gotten your validation from your friend, so I'm sure you can feel free to continue judging her in secret!


Yes. The way we ALL judge our friends in secret, Ms. High-and-mighty.

Kendra Beam

I forgot...none of you have ever thought a bad thought about your friends before, and GOD FORBID you ever gossip about it instead of telling her to her face how you really feel. I wish I knew the exact amount of time it takes each of you to do just that after flaming me here.