Not sure what we should do

shoremommy · December 2011

I really need a little advice. My boyfriend and I are ttc our second child together. I'm really not sure what I should do the father of two of my other children is threatning to take me to court and claim that I am an unfit parent if and when I get pregnant again. This is really upsetting to me because we (me and my bf) really want to have another child together. I feel like he is controlling my life just beacuse we have kids together. My bf doesn't want to put off ttc just because of my exes threats. We don't really know if he is just talking or will go through with this. My daughters father has threatned to do the same thing when we first broke up but never actually did anything. What would you all do? Should I put off ttc until things calm down with my ex or should I just not worry about it and deal with him in court if I have to? I'm worried because I don't want to risk lossing two of my kids but I don't want to give up growing my family with my boyfriend either.

FutureMrsBB · December 2011

I'm confused how does getting pregnant again make you an unfit parent and how is that going to hold up in court ...

MandyBrownNoser · December 2011

So you have children with two other men who have at some point threatened to try and get custody of your children because you are an unfit parent?

Have you considered perhaps, I don't know, stop having kids with different guys?

How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Is he going to be just another ex threatening with "unfit parent"?

heather_09_15_07 · December 2011

What they said. Is your boyfriend an excon or something?

You should probably XP this on blended families. They might have more input.

IdahoLakeLady · December 2011

I read your paragraph and came away with the following information:

1: You have multiple children by multiple fathers? At least two other baby-daddies? One for your "other children" and another who is your "daughter's father."

2: The fathers of your other children believe you are unable, in some fashion, to handle another child. And believe this so strongly that they're willing to go to court to request custody of your other children.

3: You and your boyfriend want to have another (a second?) baby.

How many children do you have, total? Can you provide for them? On what grounds would your baby-daddies request custody?

Given the above information, maybe you have enough babies?

[Deleted User] · December 2011

jlk6:
Why would having another child make you an "unfit" parent? Is there more to this story? I don't see how you having more children is any of your exes business and why you should let his threats control your life.

This

shoremommy · December 2011

He is saying that I can't afford another child and that if i get pregnant it will take away from his two children, he also thinks I will have two many children in the house. So he feels things would be better if he and his wife had the kids. He has been threatning to do this for a while and once he found out I'm ttc it came up again.

Wild_flower25 · December 2011

you should get married before TTC so you don't have another baby daddy to deal with.

Unless you really are unfit or neglectful, your ex's threats mean nothing.

gplove94 · December 2011

Well courts generally don't take kids away from good mothers just because an ex says they are unfit w/out any evidence to back it up .... unless there's more to this story ... if not then carry on w/ your business.

sydsmom04 · December 2011

FutureMrsBB:
I'm confused how does getting pregnant again make you an unfit parent and how is that going to hold up in court ...

This. ?

IdahoLakeLady · December 2011

shoremommy:
He is saying that I can't afford another child and that if i get pregnant it will take away from his two children, he also thinks I will have two many children in the house. So he feels things would be better if he and his wife had the kids. He has been threatning to do this for a while and once he found out I'm ttc it came up again.

Why does he think you can't afford another child? Or is he afraid that you having another child will mean you asking for more child support from him?

Also: you shouldn't have told anyone else you were TTC.

IdahoLakeLady · December 2011

sydsmom04:
FutureMrsBB:
I'm confused how does getting pregnant again make you an unfit parent and how is that going to hold up in court ...

This. ?

Anyone else feel like we're not getting the whole story?

cookie280 · December 2011

How many kids are you trying to have? Unless I'm not understanding you correctly, it seems like you have a kid with everyone you have a relationship with!

cookie280 · December 2011

shoremommy:
He is saying that I can't afford another child and that if i get pregnant it will take away from his two children, he also thinks I will have two many children in the house. So he feels things would be better if he and his wife had the kids. He has been threatning to do this for a while and once he found out I'm ttc it came up again.

He's probably correct!!!

shoremommy · December 2011

I only have four children. My bf and I have one child together and I have 3 from previous relationships. My bf's son also lives with us. My ex thinks the apartment is crowded and he can do more for the kids because of where he lives and works. My bf and I have been together for almost two years. Someone suggested that I should wait until we get married to ttc. We do want to get married and plan to but we can't for now. I don't feel I'm unfit but I know on paper my ex and his wife may seem like better parents than me since they have more money.

MandyBrownNoser · December 2011

You have 5 kids in an apartment?

How big is this apartment?

You want to have 6 kids in an apartment?

Dare I ask why you can't get married?

heather_09_15_07 · December 2011

So you live in an apartment with 5 kids and are planning on having another? How big is this apartment?

How do you support all these kids?

If you actually want to get married (vs. having a wedding) that can be done at the courthouse.

katied2011 · December 2011

GhostMonkey:
shoremommy:

I only have four children. My bf and I have one child together and I have 3 from previous relationships. My bf's son also lives with us. My ex thinks the apartment is crowded and he can do more for the kids because of where he lives and works. My bf and I have been together for almost two years. Someone suggested that I should wait until we get married to ttc. We do want to get married and plan to but we can't for now. I don't feel I'm unfit but I know on paper my ex and his wife may seem like better parents than me since they have more money.

You can't have more than 2 people to a bed room. So you legally need to have a 4 bedroom apartment for the family you have now.

It costs less than $100 to get married. If you can't afford that, you sure as shiit don't need another kid.

This exactly. Yes $35 at the courthouse here to get married.

gplove94 · December 2011

shoremommy:
I only have four children. My bf and I have one child together and I have 3 from previous relationships. My bf's son also lives with us. My ex thinks the apartment is crowded and he can do more for the kids because of where he lives and works. My bf and I have been together for almost two years. Someone suggested that I should wait until we get married to ttc. We do want to get married and plan to but we can't for now. I don't feel I'm unfit but I know on paper my ex and his wife may seem like better parents than me since they have more money.

How many bedrooms does your apartment have? He may have a point because legally you have to have a certain # of bedrooms for people living in an apartment

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

GhostMonkey:
shoremommy:

I only have four children. My bf and I have one child together and I have 3 from previous relationships. My bf's son also lives with us. My ex thinks the apartment is crowded and he can do more for the kids because of where he lives and works. My bf and I have been together for almost two years. Someone suggested that I should wait until we get married to ttc. We do want to get married and plan to but we can't for now. I don't feel I'm unfit but I know on paper my ex and his wife may seem like better parents than me since they have more money.

You can't have more than 2 people to a bed room. So you legally need to have a 4 bedroom apartment for the family you have now.

It costs less than $100 to get married. If you can't afford that, you sure as shiit don't need another kid.

Yes

This sounds like an episode of Maury Povich, FYI

FutureMrsBB · December 2011

tairairat:
IdahoLakeLady:
sydsmom04:

FutureMrsBB:
I'm confused how does getting pregnant again make you an unfit parent and how is that going to hold up in court ...

This. ?

Anyone else feel like we're not getting the whole story?

::raises hand::

YEP!

sunflowers4AC · December 2011

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Mother Meghan · December 2011

GhostMonkey:
You can't have more than 2 people to a bed room. So you legally need to have a 4 bedroom apartment for the family you have now.
It costs less than $100 to get married. If you can't afford that, you sure as shiit don't need another kid.

Yes

jamielynn53 · December 2011

Just taking a guess, but since they look better on paper financially I have a feeling you are not financially stable. You already have several kids living in an apartment and unless it is more than 3 bedrooms you dont have room for a new born. Think about the other children and the one you want to bring into this situation before you do it....

cookie280 · December 2011

sunflowers4AC:
Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Why the F do you want to have baby #8 when you can't even afford to get married??? Something seems off here... either she's full of sh*t and her story is all BS or her brain is missing a few cells!! I'm sorry, I just can't comprehend the fact that you already have this many kids (God knows how many different fathers or mothers) and you still want to have more.

a child is not an ACCESSORY!!! Please think about what you're doing for these children before you bring another one to your world.

abfromva · December 2011

sunflowers4AC:
Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

It's really hard to keep track off all those kids. Or maybe she just needs to go back to math class.

shoremommy · December 2011

cookie280:
sunflowers4AC:

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Why the F do you want to have baby #8 when you can't even afford to get married??? Something seems off here... either she's full of sh*t and her story is all BS or her brain is missing a few cells!! I'm sorry, I just can't comprehend the fact that you already have this many kids (God knows how many different fathers or mothers) and you still want to have more.

a child is not an ACCESSORY!!! Please think about what you're doing for these children before you bring another one to your world.

I didn't want to be judged by asking for advice here. I do not have 8 children. If I get pregnant this will be my 5th child. I had the first two as a teen. I am now a lot more mature and this pregnancy will actually be planned. We can afford to get married but we can't until my bf is officially divorced.

FutureMrsBB · December 2011

Ok heres what I think you should do. Evalutate your situation and if you have enough space for all of your children and are emotionally and financially able to support them (I realize no one can afford it but you have to be able to clothe and feed them) then go ahead and have another baby despite what your baby daddy's say. If you cannot do these things then you need to be an adult and realize that just because you want another baby it is not the best decision for your children or family. Sounds like its time to grow up.

punkrockabye · December 2011

This is crazy. My verdict: WAIT. However, I want to point a couple things out.

Being poor does not automatically make a person an unfit parent. Being on welfare, needing certain services... not necessarily unfit. If a parent KNOWS there is a need for these services and actively seeks them out in order to make sure that the children are safe and provided for, there is no concern about suitability simply based on money (or lack thereof). Now, if the parents are poor and the children are not being fed, not accessing medical care, not dressing appropriately for the weather... that's when you have problems. DH and I are absolutely NOT rich--with both of us in social services, we've kind of taken a vow of near-poverty. ha.

Also, number of bedrooms isn't necessarily as important as square footage of the living unit. Apartment vs. house doesn't matter; a family can own a 2 bedroom house with 7 people total, or they can rent a 2 bedroom apartment. I mean, nobody will be telling me that I can't have 3 children share a bedroom (not saying this is or is not my plan, just stating). DH and I currently rent a one bedroom apartment and we plan on residing here until our (future) child is in need of kindergarten, possibly preschool. Fact is that it's large enough for us, we like small spaces as opposed to massive houses that we feel are overkill, and we plan on cosleeping. That is our personal preference. Now, if I had 4 (8?! is that what we're up to now?) kids, I would not be in this one bedroom apartment. If we are somehow blessed with triplets? We're outta here, pronto. Even twins, we would upgrade to a two bedroom asap, not for sleeping but for the extra space!

I was going to defend OP quite a bit until I saw how the thread has progressed. While it's true that being poor, living in a small home, and having children with multiple partners does not instantly make someone an unfit parent, a lot of the other developments here make me think that, yeah, there are some pretty big red flags. And honestly even suggesting that OP just get legally married before TTC doesn't really provide much security; marriages don't mean much unless the two people involved want it to mean something (note: I'm not assuming OP and her BF wouldn't want it to mean anything; just saying, in general, marriage won't always equal stability).

Disclaimer: I am a social worker, imho, ymmv, all those disclaimery things.

AMossy · December 2011

My vote is that you stop reproducing.

mcongdon18 · December 2011

Just my 2 cents but why not get married? Why do people have kids and then never get married? Do you think having number 8 or 7 or what ever number it is will be will be fair to those children? I don't know how big your apartment is but that seems very crammed. I agree with a child is not a accessory! FFS!! and to answer your question I probably would not be thinking about having another child in your situation.

heather_09_15_07 · December 2011

You want to have a second child with someone who is married to SOMEONE ELSE?

Your exes are right. You are unfit. There, I said it.

You can't possibly believe you would be able to post a story like this on a public forum and not get judged.

angelsnight · December 2011

sunflowers4AC:

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

'

I think she was saying if they get KU, this will be #3 for him (has has one with her, and one from a previous relationship).

However I am beginning to agree with the ex. No matter which way you spin it, the inability to get married (getting married at the courthouse barely costs anything) and having children with three different men, none of which were planned pregnancies, does not exactly scream stable.

Edit: Saw they can't get married because bf is still married. Another vote for instability....you live with, are TTC AND already have a child with someone whose still technically married. I know divorces can take a while, but I'm thinking he wasn't completely separated from his wife when baby #1 was conceived, so now I agree even more with the ex.

katied2011 · December 2011

shoremommy:
cookie280:
sunflowers4AC:

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Why the F do you want to have baby #8 when you can't even afford to get married??? Something seems off here... either she's full of sh*t and her story is all BS or her brain is missing a few cells!! I'm sorry, I just can't comprehend the fact that you already have this many kids (God knows how many different fathers or mothers) and you still want to have more.

a child is not an ACCESSORY!!! Please think about what you're doing for these children before you bring another one to your world.

I didn't want to be judged by asking for advice here. I do not have 8 children. If I get pregnant this will be my 5th child. I had the first two as a teen. I am now a lot more mature and this pregnancy will actually be planned. We can afford to get married but we can't until my bf is officially divorced.

You have been together for 2 years with a married man? What a winner....I feel sorry for any child brought into that relationship right now. Maybe he needs to get divorced first. You two need to figure out your priorities.

Nova626 · December 2011

brookelynpaisley:
GhostMonkey:
shoremommy:

I only have four children. My bf and I have one child together and I have 3 from previous relationships. My bf's son also lives with us. My ex thinks the apartment is crowded and he can do more for the kids because of where he lives and works. My bf and I have been together for almost two years. Someone suggested that I should wait until we get married to ttc. We do want to get married and plan to but we can't for now. I don't feel I'm unfit but I know on paper my ex and his wife may seem like better parents than me since they have more money.

You can't have more than 2 people to a bed room. So you legally need to have a 4 bedroom apartment for the family you have now.

It costs less than $100 to get married. If you can't afford that, you sure as shiit don't need another kid.

This sounds like an episode of Maury Povich, FYI

Yes

mcongdon18 · December 2011

shoremommy:
cookie280:
sunflowers4AC:

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Why the F do you want to have baby #8 when you can't even afford to get married??? Something seems off here... either she's full of sh*t and her story is all BS or her brain is missing a few cells!! I'm sorry, I just can't comprehend the fact that you already have this many kids (God knows how many different fathers or mothers) and you still want to have more.

a child is not an ACCESSORY!!! Please think about what you're doing for these children before you bring another one to your world.
I didn't want to be judged by asking for advice here. I do not have 8 children. If I get pregnant this will be my 5th child. I had the first two as a teen. I am now a lot more mature and this pregnancy will actually be planned. We can afford to get married but we can't until my bf is officially divorced.

As a married woman and Im sure I can speak for a few woman here that feel the same. Thats very DIRTY and SCUM like that you were with a married man for 2 years. Curious....did your mom teach or morals?

cookie280 · December 2011

mcongdon18:
shoremommy:
cookie280:
sunflowers4AC:

Maybe the head count in that apartment is a little higher than we think. BF has 3 babies and she has 4, one which is his.
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60924372.aspx?MsdVisit=1

Why the F do you want to have baby #8 when you can't even afford to get married??? Something seems off here... either she's full of sh*t and her story is all BS or her brain is missing a few cells!! I'm sorry, I just can't comprehend the fact that you already have this many kids (God knows how many different fathers or mothers) and you still want to have more.

a child is not an ACCESSORY!!! Please think about what you're doing for these children before you bring another one to your world.
I didn't want to be judged by asking for advice here. I do not have 8 children. If I get pregnant this will be my 5th child. I had the first two as a teen. I am now a lot more mature and this pregnancy will actually be planned. We can afford to get married but we can't until my bf is officially divorced.
As a married woman and Im sure I can speak for a few woman here that feel the same. Thats very DIRTY and SCUM like that you were with a married man for 2 years. Curious....did your mom teach or morals?

Yes

OP, thanks for clarifying that. I'm about to vomit !!!!

FutureMrsBB · December 2011

MandJS:

shoremommy:
I didn't want to be judged by asking for advice here. I do not have 8 children. If I get pregnant this will be my 5th child. I had the first two as a teen. I am now a lot more mature and this pregnancy will actually be planned. We can afford to get married but we can't until my bf is officially divorced.

Oh FFS. Please stop trying to have ANY children with a married man. Wait until he is divorced. Please?

Too late for that they already have one together.

I love how more and more of this story is coming out ....

MandyBrownNoser · December 2011

You need to ratchet strap your knees together.

So you've been shacking up with a married man, had a kid with him, and can't get married because he isn't "officially" divorced.

Newsflash, divorced is divorced, there is no unofficial or official designations.

You two klassy whores need to go ahead and stop reproducing.

And based on this post alone, I'm on your ex's side.

punkrockabye · December 2011

MUD crossed my mind but I'm not sure about this one. It's not SO over the top that it's obvious. I have some vaguely similar situations tucked away in my family's skeleton closet.

I'm expecting a DD, though. Unfortunately.

advb0921 · December 2011

dinine:
Well courts generally don't take kids away from good mothers just because an ex says they are unfit w/out any evidence to back it up .... unless there's more to this story ... if not then carry on w/ your business.

I agree with all of this. Unless there is more to this story as to why you would be "unfit".

ETA: And why you are asking internet strangers what you should do and expect not to get judged is boggling to me.

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