I can definitely understand your frustration / embarassment / whatever... but I can understand her being nervous about it if they had issues with their marriage previously. Just take it in stride and try not to let it ruin your friendship. Women get like that sometimes.... it's not personal.
I may be old fashioned but I don't think it's appropriate either. I think it has a lot to do with how you were brought up. I was brought up in a very conservative environment so my ideas about what is appropriate are a little more conservative. I don't think there is a wrong or a right here, just personal preference. Be glad that your friend was comfortable enough to address the issue that was making her uncomfortable rather than to just stop talking to you which can seem easier at times than addressing it. I wouldn't be offended though, the fact that she talked to you about it it proves you two really are good friends. And what's the big deal about texting him anyways? I wouldn't think you would be so upset over it if you didn't have feeling for this man.
As a DH myself, I'm shocked. If the wife had trust issues with her husband, the last thing I would have expected would be for her to go behind her husband's back and talk to you one-on-one. Were I her, and I just had to tell you what she did, I would have done it in front of him, so he knows what's up. (If anything, it puts him on notice, if he is untrustworthy; at the very least, it embarasses him even more to cut any shenanigans out -- with anyone -- not saying anything went on between you two.)
Okay, that aside -- were I you, I'd kindly inform her, "Okay, I hear what you are saying, and I think I understand where you're coming from. You don't trust your man. Got it. Now think of me for a minute, and try to see it from my point of view. A person I think of as a very good friend has just told me to stop texting her husband. As if _I_ did something wrong. (Pause) (Facial expression that says, "What? Like you don't realize how awkward and insulted I am feeling?!") Okay? So because we're good friends, let me whip out my time machine, and let's try this again -- except this time, try a little more "Hallmark" and a lot less "Desperate Housewives"?! If she still didn't get it, I feel sorry for her. She's so insecure that she is willing to destroy multiple friendships to give her a false sense of control and security. Just be glad you discovered this before she got closer.
My wife and I discussed insecurity and jealousy at our engagement encounter before we got married -- so we decided back then to just put everything out in the open. She can read any email/text I get, especially if it's from a female -- and I can do likewise. I think it's cute, rather than invasive (as in, "oh look, she actually thinks I'm that much of a catch that someone else would want some of this...") so I never feel like it's a violation of trust. I'd be more hurt if she felt insecure and kept it in or hidden.
So hope and pray for the both of them to work out their issues -- and to keep their drama to themselves.
HAHA I liked this post. My husband and I have eachothers passwords to email & IMs ect neither of us actually use them ( unless Im on the phone and ask him to pull up something on my email, or I have my hands full and I get a text...and vice versa) We have nothing to hide and we dont "go fishing" for scandals.. I just think its sad that people get married without trust. That must be a big part of why there are so many divorces...
Yes. She's correct. There is no point for you to text another man to make family plans or plans for you and him and the kids without her knowledge. Clearly, they weren't just using his phone to communicate with your family. She is uncomfortable. Stop doing it immediately and don't mess up your friendship with her. Unless you do have the hots for the dude.
Wow. I completely disagree with you and I think your "have the hots for the dude" statement is appalling and quite accusatory.
People who have an issue with men and women being friends clearly have trust issues themselves.
I don't think either of you are wrong, because I kinda see where she is coming from if there were trust issues before w/her husband. It probably isn't you she is worried about - but if she talked to her husband about it and he just immediately stopped texting you, you would think something was up. So to alleviate any of it, she just alerted you both and that was that. Personally, I would feel hurt if my husband would give his attention to another lady (innocent or not)... If she is your good friend you will see the both of them (husband and her) so he will still be around, just with her also.
My husband and I have no reason not to trust each other. I love everything about him. But I also understand that we are humans and we make mistakes.
We are 7 months pregnant and recently (in the past 4 months) became friends with a couple that are due in a few weeks. We go out to dinner with them, visit them at their home, etc. However, I recently got a very bad feeling about the fact that the woman in the relationship was regularly IMing my husband through Facebook. Not me. My husband.
Now, I know that she is younger (we're in our late 30's, she's in her early 20s...her husband is in his 30s) and I know that her husband is often unemployed and she complains about not getting attention from him on Facebook and not being able to pay bills, etc. She's always telling me that my husband is a good husband, hardworking, etc.
So, while I trust my husband, I don't think it's healthy to have this other woman, who claims to be my friend, IMing MY husband in discussions in which I cannot participate. It seems calculating and invasive in our relationship. And while I did not contact her to tell her my concerns, I approached my husband and said "I don't think this is healthy. I trust you, but I don't know her well enough to trust her motives. She's often unhappy and I don't want her trying to find herself a new husband - MINE!"
My husband understood my concerns (his ex-wife cheated on him and he discovered hundreds of naughty emails between her and the man she was having an affair with on their shared computer...knowing this is what made me on guard about the IMs) and agreed not to IM (or text) with her anymore.
Like I said, we are all human and while I trust my husband, I have see plenty of good relationships go awry so I'm not naive enough to think our relationship is immune to anything.
This is definitely an uncomfortable situation - been there. I have noticed that my closest male friendships have transitioned to the wives or have fizzled out over time. I believe that a good marriage doesn't mean that you cut out opposite sex friendships, but as someone said previously, you respect some boundaries, and every couple is different. My husband is a big flirt. I have no problem with it. All my girlfriends love him as he always says something to make them feel wonderful. I get it 10-fold. I think I might have a problem with it if I was not getting it too.
That said, here is my advice. If this is a woman that you really enjoy and you want to preserve the family relationship, you can turn the proverbial elephant around and send him out the door. Call her, invite her for coffee and tell her that you are so sorry that this upset her and ask her if she is OK and if they are OK. Offer an ear if she needs one. This is not about you, and maybe instead of making it about you and your discomfort you can turn it around. Don't talk about it with the husband just act as if it didn't happen when you see him. If she is comfortable with you and you don't change your social behavior with him, it will all be fine. However, if you can live without the friendship and you do not feel the need to reach out to her, stop accepting invitations and walk away. If you feel you need to say something, write her a note and just tell her that you have really enjoyed their friendship, but the whole situation has made you very uncomfortable as there was no subtext to your texting and you feel that it would be better if all of you took a break from socializing. Good luck - just be classy and compassionate in how you handle it and you will probably feel better about the whole thing sooner.
Eh, I guess I'm in the minority here, but if you are making plans or just having casual banter, than do it with the wife. There is a couple we are freinds with, and while we all do things together, I don't communicate independently with him and she doesn't communicate with DH. I just think it's a boundary thing.
But, I also don't have single male friends that I hang out with without DH, and vice versa.
This.
And wow this thread is long ... I didn't get past the first page BUT one page one people seemed to be a little middle of the road.
I've been through bad & good relationships. I love my husband, I am 100% confident he is in love with & committed to me. I also trust him completely. He transparent with me and tells me everything willingly. AND would absolutely find it inappropriate for the DW of our mutual friends to text him to hang out with out me. For my its not trust, maybe it's that I'm old fashioned. It's just not appropriate. And my DH agrees and thinks it would be very awkward. IF this is a friend that existed before the marriage and the DH was your primary friend it is a little different.
The short of it:
You are wrong, she is right because it's her marriage. The relationship between DH & DW must come first and be protected. They are married and every marriage has their own boundaries which as a friend you need to respect.
SOOO, the elephant in the room? You can fix that instantly, if you want to. Suck it up, invite her to grab a drink (or lunch) with you and tell her you feel bad & ment no harm. Tell her that her friendship is important.
I agree with your friend. I do understand why your feelings are hurt, but I really get it. There's no reason to have that kind of friendship with someone's husband. I know your motives are good, but she knows HIM better than you do. Maybe she has reason not to trust him or maybe she's jealous. But, honestly, her marriage is sacred. So you have to respect that at any cost.
Affairs start as innocently as a text and are easy to fall into. I've seen it happen. Why stand at the edge of a slippery slope and risk something as valuable as 2 marriages. Take the high road and respect your friends' wishes.
Also - if your texts were really that unimportant, then they should be easy to just let go of. I'd encourage you to seriously look at why you are so upset. A reprimand from a friend can hurt. But if you are mourning that regular contact with her husband, then it was already too meaningful to you.
Married women do not need to have male friends, except in groups. May sound backward, but we're all weaker than we know. Otherwise divorce wouldn't be so prevalent.
Omg... so the trust issuses were early on in their marriage... not your friendship. Whats the big deal if she trusts you if you text her husband? Obviously she still does not trust her husband and you got the wrong end of that stick. As for showing her the messages, if you did and they sounded very innocent... then she should let it be and not have a beef with you two texting. Sounds like they need a little couple's therapy to get over the bump of trust. You little man is very cute.
Married women do not need to have male friends, except in groups. May sound backward, but we're all weaker than we know. Otherwise divorce wouldn't be so prevalent.
SO going to be my sig quote.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet one of my male friends for a nooner.
Because that's what happens when you have male friends, not just in groups.
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Wow... she sounds like a paranoid bit*ch controlling and her husband must be so fed up...
I say, don't send her the messages, if she has trusting issues thats her problem, she has no right on demanding you to send her something that is your privacy
I think that- as has been said on here several times- the issue is with their relationship, and if I were in her shoes- the wife- I would feel terrible to have to share that Hubby and I had issues, but would want others to champion marriage first- and respect the wishes of both parties in the marrige. If the guy knew he shouldn't be texting women, or that his wife might question what/whom he was texting- he shouldn't have text you, or should have saved or shared those texts with his wife.
So, don't be mad at her, or think she's the insecure one. I'd just support her fully in trying to make the most of her marriage. Nobody knows what goes on between one man and one woman- and who ever says, "OH, I think I'll start an affiar today" or "emotional intimacy with someone other than my spouse sounds like a great idea"....it's the slippery slope....and they are obviously either teetering or recovering, or just very carful. Good for them...
I have been on both sides of the fence with this same issue: the friend texting a married guy, and also the wife of the married guy. When I was "the friend", and was called out on texting someone's DH (which was completely innocent as in your case), I felt mortified, defensive, dirty, and angry. The hurt feelings you have are definitely understandable.
The wifes side is possibly the harder side to deal with, though. My DH and I went through several cases of his friends' GF's or his female coworkers developing a crush on him. This was flattering to him and the source of jokes between us for a time, but as his wife (and I have NO confidence issues, that's not the point) watching these relationships from an outside view, when some of these women made a point of ONLY contacting him, and somewhat secretively, it raises an eyebrow, ya know? And sometimes when I would ask him about it, he would start to get defensive and mad (red flag, trust me). We were always able to talk it out and he saw my point, and I ALWAYS ENDED UP RIGHT, that it was a danger zone where feelings may have started to get involved. These things always start somewhere. Does this mean that my DH isn't "allowed" to text women?? Absolutely not, he does what he wants, I just ask that he is respectful toward me and not do anything he wouldn't want me to see. But openness and communication is imperative to the trust we have. Your friend is most likely dealing with other things and emotions that are not personal towards you in the least. Good luck!
I would not forward the texts to her and I would pretty much write both of them off. She was way out of line. Her trust issues are HER issues... not yours. I would tell her basically to "give you a call when she gets her issues sorted out"- and then maybe you all can be friends again, if you want to at that time.
There is no rule that you cannot be friends with each other; I talk to both husband and wife of friend couples frequently. I know many others who do too. The controlling and jealous wife will effectively drive all her friends away, unfortunately.
I'm probably in the minority as well as a few other women here, but I can see where your friend was coming from.
Labeling her as an insecure woman who has issues within her marriage is an unfair assumption. Every dynamic in marriage and even child rearing is completely different, what works for one couple may not work for another.
If she didn't feel comfortable with you and her husband texting and she felt she needed to address you both, she was within her right. That's HER husband, not yours. Your husband may not mind, but obviously your friend did. I think it's more of a respect issue more than anything. She didn't say you all couldn't be friends, she only said she didn't feel comfortable with you texting her husband and if you wanted to schedule an activity for you to go through her. She didn't curse you out, she didn't say "Hey, we aren't going to be friends anymore because of it." She just requested SHE be the one you contact. I don't think it's a reason to get your feelings hurt or look too deep into it. Just respect her request.
If your friendship is damaged because of this, you and your husband can find another married couple to be-friend. If you were talking to her husband more anyway, you two must not have been "very" close at all, and you won't miss both their company anyway.
I am sure that you are a completely trusting friend. And the husband and you are i'm sure completely innocent. However try to think of it from the wife's point of view. Even if you are just all friends you are still another woman that your husband is texting (no matter how innocent). I think that in marriage you really should only be friends with the same sex. Don't make a big deal out of this to her. Just say something like "i am sorry, i had no idea that it bothered you that i text your husband, i won't anymore but i hope me and you can still be friends"
maybe you could recover your relationship by reaching out to her. Obviously, for whatever reason she is going through some stuff, whether it is her own issue or her relationship with her husband, but sounds like she could use a friend, and you could put your hurt feelings aside and try to extend an ear to her. Whether or not she is being reasonable, at least you would find out if it is a friendship worth having depending on how she responds.
I am not jealous and my guy doesn't text women so much, but he texts like crazy and it drives me nuts. Maybe that's part of the problem and she is expresssing it more as a gender issue because that seems more justifiable than being controlling over friendship period.
I am not saying you are right or wrong about being hurt, I can see how it seemed like it came out of the blue to you, but you already have a bunch of people responding just about that.
I really cannot stop laughing at all these replies.
I don't think winery ever said, "OMG NOW I CAN'T TEXT THIS GUY WHATEVER WILL I DO!!!! I NEEEEEEEED TO TEXT HIM."
It's a big deal to her because it's hurtful. It implies that her friend thinks she has an inappropriate relationship with her husband. That's not a good feeling if you have a good friend.
Regardless, I'm sure she is fine w/ no longer texting this person and realizes it is an issue in THEIR marriage, but it would still sting for a friend to imply you are less than trustworthy yourself. Even if the issue is solely with the husband.
I am so laughing at all you freaks who only have wives contact wives and husbands contact husbands. What healthy relationships you must have if that's how you have to roll to stay above suspicion and to keep people from being upset with their spouses.
Join 2010. It's awesome. We have iPhones. And women can wear pants.
I adore how you are so incredibly supportive of your friend. I wish I had more friends like you.
I'm sorry, I know I am one of these "one posters..." but I just HAD to say something
There is NOTHING wrong with texting someone's spouse for making plans. Personally, I think it's more informal than picking up the phone and calling someone. My DH is notorious for ignoring his phone once he's home so his friends or mom or brother or whoever will text or call me knowing that I will actually respond. Is is secret? No. Do I mention it to DH every time it happens? No. He is not my master and commander, he is my husband. I routinely delete texts to keep my inbox clean, that does not mean I'm hiding anything from him. It just means I ran out of space. Just yesterday, his friend called me to find out what time we're going to the restaurant. And a few minutes before that, that same friend's fiance called and talked to my husband about a gift she was bringing.
I ask anyone that is so incredibly offended by this situation if you have ever said these words: "Oh, I completely trust my husband, it's THEM/HER/HIM that I don't trust!" If you have, you probably need counseling because the bottom line is that you don't have complete trust in your partner. If you can't trust your spouse to balk at potential Hester Prynnes, you simply don't trust him. It's as simple as that. The woman doesn't trust her husband. I feel badly for anyone that thinks that men and women can't be friends. I have plenty of guy friends that I chat with-most unmarried. They are my friends and there is absolutely, nothing sexual about it. My DH is not threatened by them, anymore than I am threatened that he is fb friends with some girl he went to high school with.
The reason why divorce is so rampant now as opposed to 40 years ago is that it's an easy way out. People don't want to stick it out and work through their problems anymore. It's not because a married woman texted a married man asking him if he plans on taking the kids to the pool (which obviously had the side connotation of "let's hump like bunnies"). I read that and thought "hmm...if she's making plans with him, he's obviously the STAP." It is becoming more and more common for the menfolk to stay or work from home to care for the children. I suppose that is a very hard concept to grasp if you continue to live in the 50's...
I would look at the situtation from the wife's POV instead of thinking it's about me. (as the friend whose feelings are a tad hurt)
My DH doesn't mind me texting other guys if I'm not taking up family time and obviously, not falling for someone else. That said, he can be jealous from time to time and sometimes I may give reason to be. (Do you see something here? - not one of the 'other' people is really causing the issue)
Only DH and DW cause the issues. I don't see why you can't focus your attention on communicating with the wife. I was a girl who grew up with two female friends and the rest were male. When we grew up and everyone started pairing off with new people I learned that I would have fewer real friends from there on out.
Some relationships do well with lots of outside contact, others will not. You should definitely respect her wishes unless you have something to hide. You can tell her you felt bad when she said that to you, as if you lost some of her trust, but it really comes back to her own relationship with her man.
I think the relationship was very inappropriate (especially on your friends husbands part)! You text him and meet him at the pool without her!? I would be very hurt if my husband was out with my girl friends and texting them while I'm not around.
I understand that on your side, it may just be a harmless friendship, but what does her husband think of the relationship? Obviously he is hiding a lot of it from his wife, deleting texts and what not. I mean do you think his intentions are completely innocent, keeping in mind that men think a lot differently than woman. He may have a lot more emotions for you than just friendship, I would definitely not want to be caught in the middle of something like that.
Another thing, I think it just looks bad, to be out and about with someones husband. People can get the wrong impression. Just be careful. Goodluck with your situation, I'm sorry it hurts when things like this happen.
I am flat out dying at people getting the wrong impression. DYING.
Maybe this is why people have issues in their marriage -- they are worry about what impression the neighborhood tight ass gets.
Whatever! It's about respecting boundaries and staying above suspicion.
Because God forbid some jackhole think you are cheating on your husband by daring to talk to another man. I know I really care what the Duggar-like freaks think of me.
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I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It makes her feel uncomfortable. If it's nothing (as in, "Yo, what's up") then you can live w/out the texts for the sake of the comfort of your friend.
Not that I'm saying you shouldn't be hurt....because I think I would be. And I would also question her trust in ME....but in the end, when you don't trust your husband, you don't trust ANYONE with your husband. The issue is within their marriage and I think (if you wish to maintain the friendship) it's in your best interest to not read in to this anything more than what it is....a wife who doesn't trust her husband, has insecurities and doesn't want him texting another woman. She is probably one of those women that gets jealous about everything...and this is just one more of those things.
I understand why you'd be upset but likely this isn't really and issue about you. It is possible that the "trust issues" she's talking about could've been him cheating on her and your innocent texting could be threatening if that is the case. I'm guessing this is a trust issue with her husband and while painful for you it's probably about their marriage. I'm sure that's not real helpful but that is just my thought on it.
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
WOMEN TEXT WOMEN. NO MATTER WHAT. MEN TEXT MEN. NO MATTER WHAT.
At least that's what I hear from the Duggars. And this thread.
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i agree with most of that...but if the issues in the beginning were due to cheating its only natural that she be "insecure" the fact that her hubby deleted the message so she couldnt read them is most likely the major factor that made her upset. if he has nothing to hide why hide it?
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
Clearly none of these idiots have close friends to understand why this is a slap in the face.
I get it, she has a trust issue. Thats her business with her husband. But to bring you into is is absurd! And if thats not bad enough, to ask you to SEND her the texts? My god, so not only does she not trust you, she's essentially calling you a liar. Why does no one see that!!!!!!
I am sure you will recover. If it's not an issue that the wife should be concerned about, then your friendship will recover since it ultimately isn't a big deal: "Sup. Going to the pool?" etc...I mean, really, are you going to miss texting him that badly?
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
WOMEN TEXT WOMEN. NO MATTER WHAT. MEN TEXT MEN. NO MATTER WHAT.
At least that's what I hear from the Duggars. And this thread.
Ditto! And if texting her husband is that important then I would say there's inappropriate intentions involved. I agree, respect other people's boundaries in their marriages. Don't force your beliefs on others.
Don't beat yourself up about it. The truth is THEY have trust issues and that drags you into it. The other thing to remember is the more it bothers you the more you have to ask why? So let it go and try to focus on your friend. Perhaps you could be a listening ear for her. They obviously have gone through something big. Also, we don't know what is going on behind their doors.. Maybe he talks about you a bit...well... too much. YOU may be innocently texting but perhaps this is where his problems begin.
On another note. I had a "friend" who was couple/family friends with another couple for over a decade and one day just started sleeping with her friends not so DH...Things between a man and woman can take a change very quickly if allowed and she is obviously trying to protect that from not happening...
I am sure though it doesn't make a difference whether it was you or her sister for that matter, a woman, on a certain level, to another woman can be considered a threat...
Personally I hope you don't really take offense to it. It's an obvious issue with her level of comfort in her relationship with her husband not a mark on you. I have huge trust issues that are not even my husbands fault, having been previously married and my 1st husband had turned me into damaged goods.
Personally this happened between me and a close friend of mine a few years ago with my current husband (whom I must say is Mr wonderful in the flesh most of the time) and at first she was pissed that I asked her to go through me too. But to prove my point I started doing to her husband (who I have know since I was 9 yrs old, her I met when they became serious) the same as she did with mine. Always calling him for invites and texting him with any news and the little flirty comments shot back and forth between them in front of all our friends, she got the point & my husband got the point. The main problem with going through the man is he won't relay anything to you and however you intend to come off doesn't show through that issue. Especially if there are already trust issues. The fact that she came to you shows she probably trusts you more than she trusts him anyway. And even though your intensions were pure his may not have been.
At least two other people in our group of friends aked her to do the same. I am not saying she was doing anything wrong although she knew she was a flirt we all knew she had no intention of acting out the flirtiness. Her and her man have a solid relationship and she is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. It was my man's reaction I was not tolerating well. That was at least 4 years ago, we are both still great friends and our hubbys are still our friends too but we do mainly talk to each other and she gets it. Once she got over the initial sting of it and realized we weren't insulting her we were just uncomfortable with the interaction between her and our men, nothing really changed. I don't think anyway, she got used to texted, emailing, calling the girls and having her man deal with the boys or at least mass texting us both so there weren't issues of secrecy. Anyway from someone as insecure as she sounds it really wasn't about you for her I am sure of that much.
There are 2 women who could text my DH w/o me getting pissed. One is his ex wife, and the other is a dear friend he's had since hs, who lives 300 miles away. I'm not saying you can't feel how you're feeling, but really you're making this about yourself when you say there's an elephant in the room, so to speak. Just let it go. She is uncomfortable with it; it's her marriage, her husband. Stop texting him and call or text her. Eventually, the discomfort will go away b/c you're respecting her and including her in your friendship. If you sit and dwell on how it makes you feel she thinks you did something wrong, when you and your DH don't think you did, you'll go nuts. Different people live their lives different ways. You wanted to know what people thought of it. I trust my DH, but if other women were asking about his plans for the day w/o me, I'd probably question it.
OMG! Yep, sounds like SHE definitely has trust issues in her marriage. You shouldn't be the one having to pay for that. I'm friends with guys too and my husband is not jealous because he has no reason to be. My co-worker and I hang out together with our spouses and we do text the other's spouse on occassion. What is wrong with that. That being said, I do have another friend who was cheated on and although she's fine with us texting each other, she does feel like she is constantly having to look to see what her hubby is up to. I hope that things work out for you and I'm sorry you had to lose out on the friendship with your friend's hubby. In my opinion, if she trusted you like a good friend should, she would know that you would never do something like that to her. Best of luck to you girl!
Sorry but I agree with her. I would not allow my husband to text to my girlfriends and my husband would not allow me to text with his buddies. And there are no trust issues in our relationship. We have never had a single argument about the opposite sex, but we both know the boundaries.
No really, who are these jackhole men you all know?
Real, decent men can text women without humping them. It is a shame so many women have so little faith, or expect so little from their partners.
All I can think about is Lost. I rather spoon my eyes out than watch that crap. Yet somehow in the midst of DH texting, emailing and FBing with any number of my female friends, no orgy developed.
As we speak, I am emailing with some guys about the Phillies trade. Sadly, no one has proposed a sex party yet.
Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today
HAHA I liked this post. My husband and I have eachothers passwords to email & IMs ect neither of us actually use them ( unless Im on the phone and ask him to pull up something on my email, or I have my hands full and I get a text...and vice versa) We have nothing to hide and we dont "go fishing" for scandals.. I just think its sad that people get married without trust. That must be a big part of why there are so many divorces...
Wow. I completely disagree with you and I think your "have the hots for the dude" statement is appalling and quite accusatory.
People who have an issue with men and women being friends clearly have trust issues themselves.
My husband and I have no reason not to trust each other. I love everything about him. But I also understand that we are humans and we make mistakes.
We are 7 months pregnant and recently (in the past 4 months) became friends with a couple that are due in a few weeks. We go out to dinner with them, visit them at their home, etc. However, I recently got a very bad feeling about the fact that the woman in the relationship was regularly IMing my husband through Facebook. Not me. My husband.
Now, I know that she is younger (we're in our late 30's, she's in her early 20s...her husband is in his 30s) and I know that her husband is often unemployed and she complains about not getting attention from him on Facebook and not being able to pay bills, etc. She's always telling me that my husband is a good husband, hardworking, etc.
So, while I trust my husband, I don't think it's healthy to have this other woman, who claims to be my friend, IMing MY husband in discussions in which I cannot participate. It seems calculating and invasive in our relationship. And while I did not contact her to tell her my concerns, I approached my husband and said "I don't think this is healthy. I trust you, but I don't know her well enough to trust her motives. She's often unhappy and I don't want her trying to find herself a new husband - MINE!"
My husband understood my concerns (his ex-wife cheated on him and he discovered hundreds of naughty emails between her and the man she was having an affair with on their shared computer...knowing this is what made me on guard about the IMs) and agreed not to IM (or text) with her anymore.
Like I said, we are all human and while I trust my husband, I have see plenty of good relationships go awry so I'm not naive enough to think our relationship is immune to anything.
This is definitely an uncomfortable situation - been there. I have noticed that my closest male friendships have transitioned to the wives or have fizzled out over time. I believe that a good marriage doesn't mean that you cut out opposite sex friendships, but as someone said previously, you respect some boundaries, and every couple is different. My husband is a big flirt. I have no problem with it. All my girlfriends love him as he always says something to make them feel wonderful. I get it 10-fold. I think I might have a problem with it if I was not getting it too.
That said, here is my advice. If this is a woman that you really enjoy and you want to preserve the family relationship, you can turn the proverbial elephant around and send him out the door. Call her, invite her for coffee and tell her that you are so sorry that this upset her and ask her if she is OK and if they are OK. Offer an ear if she needs one. This is not about you, and maybe instead of making it about you and your discomfort you can turn it around. Don't talk about it with the husband just act as if it didn't happen when you see him. If she is comfortable with you and you don't change your social behavior with him, it will all be fine. However, if you can live without the friendship and you do not feel the need to reach out to her, stop accepting invitations and walk away. If you feel you need to say something, write her a note and just tell her that you have really enjoyed their friendship, but the whole situation has made you very uncomfortable as there was no subtext to your texting and you feel that it would be better if all of you took a break from socializing. Good luck - just be classy and compassionate in how you handle it and you will probably feel better about the whole thing sooner.
This.
And wow this thread is long ... I didn't get past the first page BUT one page one people seemed to be a little middle of the road.
I've been through bad & good relationships. I love my husband, I am 100% confident he is in love with & committed to me. I also trust him completely. He transparent with me and tells me everything willingly. AND would absolutely find it inappropriate for the DW of our mutual friends to text him to hang out with out me. For my its not trust, maybe it's that I'm old fashioned. It's just not appropriate. And my DH agrees and thinks it would be very awkward. IF this is a friend that existed before the marriage and the DH was your primary friend it is a little different.
The short of it:
You are wrong, she is right because it's her marriage. The relationship between DH & DW must come first and be protected. They are married and every marriage has their own boundaries which as a friend you need to respect.
SOOO, the elephant in the room? You can fix that instantly, if you want to. Suck it up, invite her to grab a drink (or lunch) with you and tell her you feel bad & ment no harm. Tell her that her friendship is important.
Basically be mature about
I agree with your friend. I do understand why your feelings are hurt, but I really get it. There's no reason to have that kind of friendship with someone's husband. I know your motives are good, but she knows HIM better than you do. Maybe she has reason not to trust him or maybe she's jealous. But, honestly, her marriage is sacred. So you have to respect that at any cost.
Affairs start as innocently as a text and are easy to fall into. I've seen it happen. Why stand at the edge of a slippery slope and risk something as valuable as 2 marriages. Take the high road and respect your friends' wishes.
Also - if your texts were really that unimportant, then they should be easy to just let go of. I'd encourage you to seriously look at why you are so upset. A reprimand from a friend can hurt. But if you are mourning that regular contact with her husband, then it was already too meaningful to you.
Married women do not need to have male friends, except in groups. May sound backward, but we're all weaker than we know. Otherwise divorce wouldn't be so prevalent.
SO going to be my sig quote.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet one of my male friends for a nooner.
Because that's what happens when you have male friends, not just in groups.
Wow... she sounds like a paranoid bit*ch controlling and her husband must be so fed up...
I say, don't send her the messages, if she has trusting issues thats her problem, she has no right on demanding you to send her something that is your privacy
I think that- as has been said on here several times- the issue is with their relationship, and if I were in her shoes- the wife- I would feel terrible to have to share that Hubby and I had issues, but would want others to champion marriage first- and respect the wishes of both parties in the marrige. If the guy knew he shouldn't be texting women, or that his wife might question what/whom he was texting- he shouldn't have text you, or should have saved or shared those texts with his wife.
So, don't be mad at her, or think she's the insecure one. I'd just support her fully in trying to make the most of her marriage. Nobody knows what goes on between one man and one woman- and who ever says, "OH, I think I'll start an affiar today" or "emotional intimacy with someone other than my spouse sounds like a great idea"....it's the slippery slope....and they are obviously either teetering or recovering, or just very carful. Good for them...
who are we to judge?
Your siggy is great!
I have been on both sides of the fence with this same issue: the friend texting a married guy, and also the wife of the married guy. When I was "the friend", and was called out on texting someone's DH (which was completely innocent as in your case), I felt mortified, defensive, dirty, and angry. The hurt feelings you have are definitely understandable.
The wifes side is possibly the harder side to deal with, though. My DH and I went through several cases of his friends' GF's or his female coworkers developing a crush on him. This was flattering to him and the source of jokes between us for a time, but as his wife (and I have NO confidence issues, that's not the point) watching these relationships from an outside view, when some of these women made a point of ONLY contacting him, and somewhat secretively, it raises an eyebrow, ya know? And sometimes when I would ask him about it, he would start to get defensive and mad (red flag, trust me). We were always able to talk it out and he saw my point, and I ALWAYS ENDED UP RIGHT, that it was a danger zone where feelings may have started to get involved. These things always start somewhere. Does this mean that my DH isn't "allowed" to text women?? Absolutely not, he does what he wants, I just ask that he is respectful toward me and not do anything he wouldn't want me to see. But openness and communication is imperative to the trust we have. Your friend is most likely dealing with other things and emotions that are not personal towards you in the least. Good luck!
and husband!
maybe you could recover your relationship by reaching out to her. Obviously, for whatever reason she is going through some stuff, whether it is her own issue or her relationship with her husband, but sounds like she could use a friend, and you could put your hurt feelings aside and try to extend an ear to her. Whether or not she is being reasonable, at least you would find out if it is a friendship worth having depending on how she responds.
I am not jealous and my guy doesn't text women so much, but he texts like crazy and it drives me nuts. Maybe that's part of the problem and she is expresssing it more as a gender issue because that seems more justifiable than being controlling over friendship period.
I am not saying you are right or wrong about being hurt, I can see how it seemed like it came out of the blue to you, but you already have a bunch of people responding just about that.
I adore how you are so incredibly supportive of your friend. I wish I had more friends like you.
I'm sorry, I know I am one of these "one posters..." but I just HAD to say something
There is NOTHING wrong with texting someone's spouse for making plans. Personally, I think it's more informal than picking up the phone and calling someone. My DH is notorious for ignoring his phone once he's home so his friends or mom or brother or whoever will text or call me knowing that I will actually respond. Is is secret? No. Do I mention it to DH every time it happens? No. He is not my master and commander, he is my husband. I routinely delete texts to keep my inbox clean, that does not mean I'm hiding anything from him. It just means I ran out of space. Just yesterday, his friend called me to find out what time we're going to the restaurant. And a few minutes before that, that same friend's fiance called and talked to my husband about a gift she was bringing.
I ask anyone that is so incredibly offended by this situation if you have ever said these words: "Oh, I completely trust my husband, it's THEM/HER/HIM that I don't trust!" If you have, you probably need counseling because the bottom line is that you don't have complete trust in your partner. If you can't trust your spouse to balk at potential Hester Prynnes, you simply don't trust him. It's as simple as that. The woman doesn't trust her husband. I feel badly for anyone that thinks that men and women can't be friends. I have plenty of guy friends that I chat with-most unmarried. They are my friends and there is absolutely, nothing sexual about it. My DH is not threatened by them, anymore than I am threatened that he is fb friends with some girl he went to high school with.
The reason why divorce is so rampant now as opposed to 40 years ago is that it's an easy way out. People don't want to stick it out and work through their problems anymore. It's not because a married woman texted a married man asking him if he plans on taking the kids to the pool (which obviously had the side connotation of "let's hump like bunnies"). I read that and thought "hmm...if she's making plans with him, he's obviously the STAP." It is becoming more and more common for the menfolk to stay or work from home to care for the children. I suppose that is a very hard concept to grasp if you continue to live in the 50's...
I would look at the situtation from the wife's POV instead of thinking it's about me. (as the friend whose feelings are a tad hurt)
My DH doesn't mind me texting other guys if I'm not taking up family time and obviously, not falling for someone else. That said, he can be jealous from time to time and sometimes I may give reason to be. (Do you see something here? - not one of the 'other' people is really causing the issue)
Only DH and DW cause the issues. I don't see why you can't focus your attention on communicating with the wife. I was a girl who grew up with two female friends and the rest were male. When we grew up and everyone started pairing off with new people I learned that I would have fewer real friends from there on out.
Some relationships do well with lots of outside contact, others will not. You should definitely respect her wishes unless you have something to hide. You can tell her you felt bad when she said that to you, as if you lost some of her trust, but it really comes back to her own relationship with her man.
I think the relationship was very inappropriate (especially on your friends husbands part)! You text him and meet him at the pool without her!? I would be very hurt if my husband was out with my girl friends and texting them while I'm not around.
I understand that on your side, it may just be a harmless friendship, but what does her husband think of the relationship? Obviously he is hiding a lot of it from his wife, deleting texts and what not. I mean do you think his intentions are completely innocent, keeping in mind that men think a lot differently than woman. He may have a lot more emotions for you than just friendship, I would definitely not want to be caught in the middle of something like that.
Another thing, I think it just looks bad, to be out and about with someones husband. People can get the wrong impression. Just be careful. Goodluck with your situation, I'm sorry it hurts when things like this happen.
Whatever! It's about respecting boundaries and staying above suspicion.
Because God forbid some jackhole think you are cheating on your husband by daring to talk to another man. I know I really care what the Duggar-like freaks think of me.
vegan mama, military wife
You're clearly missing the point. It's not that she can't survive without texting him and what is she going to do with herself all day. I'd be pissed that regardless of whatever issues my friend had with her husband, she should know me enough to know that i'm NOT going to steal her husband.
i totally agree with this
It's laughable that you actually had to write this.
Really, we are all friends and when he was with his kiddo and my boys asked about it, it makes total sense to text the one WITH the kid to see if he wanted to do something. Or, if the family wanted to do something this weekend and she didn't answer her phone/was out of town/pooping/whatever.
The assumptions are funny though. Very.
Me with my littlest.
WOMEN TEXT WOMEN. NO MATTER WHAT. MEN TEXT MEN. NO MATTER WHAT.
At least that's what I hear from the Duggars. And this thread.
Clearly none of these idiots have close friends to understand why this is a slap in the face.
I get it, she has a trust issue. Thats her business with her husband. But to bring you into is is absurd! And if thats not bad enough, to ask you to SEND her the texts? My god, so not only does she not trust you, she's essentially calling you a liar. Why does no one see that!!!!!!
I just peed myself.
Don't beat yourself up about it. The truth is THEY have trust issues and that drags you into it. The other thing to remember is the more it bothers you the more you have to ask why? So let it go and try to focus on your friend. Perhaps you could be a listening ear for her. They obviously have gone through something big. Also, we don't know what is going on behind their doors.. Maybe he talks about you a bit...well... too much. YOU may be innocently texting but perhaps this is where his problems begin.
On another note. I had a "friend" who was couple/family friends with another couple for over a decade and one day just started sleeping with her friends not so DH...Things between a man and woman can take a change very quickly if allowed and she is obviously trying to protect that from not happening...
I am sure though it doesn't make a difference whether it was you or her sister for that matter, a woman, on a certain level, to another woman can be considered a threat...
Sorry for the ick feeling...I know it too well...
Personally I hope you don't really take offense to it. It's an obvious issue with her level of comfort in her relationship with her husband not a mark on you. I have huge trust issues that are not even my husbands fault, having been previously married and my 1st husband had turned me into damaged goods.
Personally this happened between me and a close friend of mine a few years ago with my current husband (whom I must say is Mr wonderful in the flesh most of the time) and at first she was pissed that I asked her to go through me too. But to prove my point I started doing to her husband (who I have know since I was 9 yrs old, her I met when they became serious) the same as she did with mine. Always calling him for invites and texting him with any news and the little flirty comments shot back and forth between them in front of all our friends, she got the point & my husband got the point. The main problem with going through the man is he won't relay anything to you and however you intend to come off doesn't show through that issue. Especially if there are already trust issues. The fact that she came to you shows she probably trusts you more than she trusts him anyway. And even though your intensions were pure his may not have been.
At least two other people in our group of friends aked her to do the same. I am not saying she was doing anything wrong although she knew she was a flirt we all knew she had no intention of acting out the flirtiness. Her and her man have a solid relationship and she is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. It was my man's reaction I was not tolerating well. That was at least 4 years ago, we are both still great friends and our hubbys are still our friends too but we do mainly talk to each other and she gets it. Once she got over the initial sting of it and realized we weren't insulting her we were just uncomfortable with the interaction between her and our men, nothing really changed. I don't think anyway, she got used to texted, emailing, calling the girls and having her man deal with the boys or at least mass texting us both so there weren't issues of secrecy. Anyway from someone as insecure as she sounds it really wasn't about you for her I am sure of that much.
Ditto this.
I think I love you.
Me with my littlest.