My post is pretty buried, but I'll weigh in. I trust DH, but to us it's a respect thing. There are definate boundaries, and instead of flirting with the boundary line, we don't go close. We also want to avoid appearances or anything that could be interpreted wrongly by a 3rd party. We don't really text, but with calling a couple we're friends with he asks for the DH, I ask for the wife. We haven't really thought about it, it's just something we do.
I guess I'm in the minority, but I don't really get why YOU are so shocked and hurt. I think it's clear that the problem is their marriage and trust issues, not you, so I'd just move on. It's not like not sending 7 texts a months is that big a deal to you, and it clearly is to her. So.....eh. I don't think that you did anything wrong, but then again I've never had trust issues with my husband so maybe I'd feel differently if I was in her shoes. Either way, I think the situation sucks way mire for her than it does for you, so I'd honor her request and just move past it.
pretty much this.
they are having issues. I would try not to see it as a ding. she probably knows, maybe from past experiences, that falling into an emotional affair for him (not you) is as easy as pie and she needs him to focus on her.
(ps: do I think monitoring her DH and forcing his focus will solve their problems? nope.)
This. You don't know what went on between them before to make her feel this way. Take it from someone with personal experience - learning to trust someone again is HARD. Especially when it's your husband.
I think no matter how innocent your intentions are, the way that behaviors can be perceived by "outsiders" can cause friction. Case in point: My SIL has been hanging out with a married man. She says it's completely innocent. Someone saw her riding around on the back of his motorcycle with him. Now there's rumors of an affair. (And, maybe it's just me, but I'd be pissed if my DH had another girl riding on the back of a motorcycle with him - regardless of how innocent he thinks it is.) It's all about perception, and right now, because of what they've been through together, the perception is that something inappropriate is going on. For now, let it go, let them work through this, and then pick up in the friendship where you left off.
Sounds like this women has major trust issues and it really doesn't have anything to do with you. My DH has friends that are women, I have friends that are male - all married and its no big deal since my DH and I trust each other.
I'm so late I probably shouldn't reply, but oh well. DH & I are BFs with a married couple. The wife, texts/calls DH if she needs anything; (we take care of each other's dogs when the other is out of town). She rarely texts me, even though, we're good friends. I have no problems with it. It wouldn't even cross my mind to have a problem with it. Currently her DH is deployed, so the texts have increased between her & my DH...still don't care. I trust both of them. So, yeah, this is totally their problem and not yours. I am so sorry you were hurt, I would be too. DH texts another one of his friend's wives too...come to think of it...and yeah, I still don't care.
What an awkward situation she's put all of you in now.
The fact of the matter is that their marriage sucks. If she can't trust him enough to recognize that it's perfectly innocent, then that really sucks for them. I text with guy friends - husbands of my friends - because we're ALL FRIENDS. Ditto goes for my husband. When you trust your spouse, you don't have to worry about such nonsense. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I don't consider myself to be a controlling wife by any means, and have no trust issues with my husband...but I would feel the exact same way as your friend if I ever found out that one of my girlfriends was texting him! It's just a little inappropriate--actually, a lot inappropriate in my humble opinion Sorry, but totally agree with your friend on this one. However, once I nipped it in the bud there would be no ding in the friendship, hopefully you two can just move on and things will be the same
Your friend is obviously struggling in her marriage, and that would hurt
on a MUCH deeper level then the pain you feel by having your friend
double check on her husband through you. And don't take it personally. Unless you know the full history of their difficulties, you really can't be sure it's that your friend doesn't trust YOU. Her husband might have been texting women who weren't necessarily texting back.
I think you should get over
yourself and just go along with what your friend needs of you, because like I said, whatever pain she's going through because of her marriage is going to be FAR DEEPER than the pain you're going through over your friendship. Be the better person here.
I'm sorry your feeling are hurt. This is their marriage though...I think it's completely inappropriate for him to be texting ANY woman. I see it very clearly as an emotional affair (apparently his wife does) (even though you don't see it that way). If he feels the need to "text" someone...he needs to be texting his wife. I know way too many marriages where...this is how it starts. I'm sure you don't want any part of that! I would be compassionate towards his wife (I don't think this is about you) and stay her friend....without crossing their marriage boundries.
thanks for the influx of posters to this post 2 days late.
xoxo,
eclaires
PS - islandmomma - seriously? if he wants to text someone, text his wife?!?!?! LMAO! I am so grossed out by the idea that men and women cannot be friends and that it is inappropriate to text a member of the opposite sex if you are married. Maybe in this case it's understandable because of the trust issues, but in a healthy marriage/relationship, that idea is mind boggling.
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Amhough, I am in agreement with you. This would be a no-go in my relationship. If I want to have casual banter with someone, I can do it with my husband, my friends, or my coworkers. Or on Facebook, out in the open.
Maybe the wife is jealous of how good of friends you are and she doesnt feel as close to him as it seems you two are. I totally side with you because I could be friends with a guy and have no romantic feelings whatsoever too but my husband is definately the jealous type and would never go for it. In the end the constant questioning and arguing about the guy friend would be too much. Maybe you can find another guy friend whos wife isnt so jealous.
I can see both sides. My best friend had trust issues with her husband (he was texting a mutual friend when he was drunk and it got inappropriate). I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with you. I think she is probably trying to save the friendship. Im sure it was just as hard for her to ask you not to. Please don't take it personal. My husband and I always say we want to be above reproach. We don't do anything that can be questioned or raise any doubt. Maybe that is the step they are taking to fix their marriage and regain trust. It really doesn't have anything to do with if she trusts you.
Honestly I have dealt with situations like this in the past and the best thing to do it distance yourself from both of them. It isn't worth it. Their "trust issues" are now going to be thrown on you. Every time you and her husband are in the same room regardless that everyone else is around, you are going to feel that burning stare on the back of your neck. It is better to just say to her "It is sad that at the very least whatever your issues are with your husband are being put on me. I am also unaware of what I did for you to not trust me. I can not have friendships like that as trust is an important part of any relationship. If you can't trust me to have a causal conversation with your husband when I thought we were all friends, then I don't feel comfortable continuing this relationship for the safety of my family and children due to the lack of trust." She will feel like *** and either get over herself or walk away. Either way it is going to be better for you.
i know it may seem innocent on your part and his, but for me, like someone stated, its a boundry thing. It may have nothing to do with the fact that you have NO feelings for him at all, but we see things like this happen all the time. Getting emotionaly involved even if you see it coming or not.
I concider my friends husbands friends, but I would NEVER text, email, face book or spend time alone together. Its out of respect. Regardless of their past issues, which have nothing to do with you, their still shouldnt be a ding in your friendship. She obviously needs someone to be there for her. She is obviously going thru some things and is in need of a friend more than ever. If she is your friend, you would put this behind you and be there for one another. It would be silly to stop being friends over her husband-which shouldnt be the end of your friendship.
Okay, first of all, I don't think that there is anything wrong with texting anyone you want. Assuming, of course, that the texts are not of an inappropriate nature.
Secondly, the issue is definitely between the other couple, so don't beat yourself up about it. As someone else stated, if she doesn't trust her own husband, do you really believe that she can trust anyone??
Finally, you need to decide whether or not you want to continue a friendship with the family. If you do, perhaps this is a good opportunity to reach out to the wife and offer your support since you do know BOTH of them and may be able to help her see things from a different perspective. If not, then just cut the ties and move on. Sometimes it's better to just not expose your own family to such a negative situation.
I actually agree with your friend. I think it would be fine if you occasionally texted to ask a legitimate question, but random texting just to talk or keep in touch is inappropriate when you are married. I have called or texted my DH's friends on occasion, but only when it was urgent--like my tire was flat & my DH was out of town. I would not want my DH texting my friends. It has nothing to do with trust, necessarily, but appropriateness. It is totally fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but in today's world where we communicate through email, cell phones, texting, facebook, ect, I believe the boundaries of relationships get blurred all too easily. I do see your point, however, & see no reason why you can't have great conversation with her husband & hang out in group settings. I love talking to my DH's guy friends, but wouldn't feel right about communicating outside of a group setting. Sorry, I guess I'm just old-fashioned.
I guess I'm pretty much screwed, all my friends are women and I text them all the time. Most of my clients and I become really good friends, my wife is welcome to view any texts I've ever sent. Sometimes she gets a little jealous when they get more texts than her so I send her a few extra texts
It really looks like there are deeply seeded trust issues in their relationship and until the husband can regain her trust then I'd just lay low and stay off the texting. I think its more in how she approached you about it. If she came to you in confidence and told you a different way like, "XYZ happened in the past and we are working through thisnow. It would really help me if you can help me out in this matter, I'm removing his texting to women privlages.... I'm sure there is nothing going on but for now would you refrain from texting him until we get things resolved it would make things easier for me. I love you to death and trust you completely but this is just something we need to work out."
Something along those lines may have gone over better, I'd just say water under the briddge and let it go but as a man I think it's easier for us to be able to do that so more power to you if you can let it go.
Hope it all works out for you and that this won't affect your friendship anymore than it already has.
Does anyone wonder why the husband deleted her texts? IMO, he deleted them so his wife wouldn't find them. In which case, he probably KNEW it would bother her (due to their past issues), so he shouldn't be doing it, even if it's innocent.
My rule is that you shouldn't do anything you wouldn't be comfortable telling your spouse about.
My husband and I trust each other and know that we would never cheat. That being said we try to keep ourselves above suspicion. While we are friendly with the opposite sex, we do not ever meet up with them (married or not) without the other spouse present. We try to not talk on the phone or message people unless the other is around. We include each other in our relationships with the opposite sex. This is not a trust issue, it is out of respect to each other and protection of our marriage. There are way too many (deeply moral) people out there who slip up because of opportunity and we choose to honor what we have to each other. I respect what your friend is doing, unfortunately it sounds like her husband should have been the one to nip the communications in the bud rather than leaving your friend to be the bad guy. If he really respected her she wouldn't have needed to come forward to you (I'm sure it was hard on her end too).
Hi, Your texts sound innocent enough, but she is feeling threatened so I would back off texting her husband until she is feeling better about the whole situation.
I lost my first husband because he was hanging out with a female co-worker and I thought nothing of it as she had a boyfriend that she has been dating for several years. He ended up emailing her a love letter and he tried to recall the message but he couldn't. She was upset about it because she thought they were just hanging out as friends and had no idea that he was in love with her. Also we had just had our 2nd baby just weeks earlier. She told him to stay away from her and he did for 6 months until things settled down and once she started to be friends with him again, he divorced me thinking that she would like him if he were single and she didn't so he is currently alone.
There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men, single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing. However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is wrong. I believe it opens the doors to inappropriate emotional relationships. The divorce rate is so high because we open ourselves up to these inappropriate relationships. Just check out all of the articles out now on how many divorces are being caused by FB. You should be focusing that energy on your husband, not on other men. I'm sure it was likely innocent on your part, but isn't that what everyone says? You said you wanted it straight, so there's my two cents.
I think you should just acknowledge to the wife that you understand how she might feel about the situation and that you respect her wishes, but reassure her that these texts were innocent and that if she needs a friend to listen to that you're there.
Marriage is sacred and if trust is an issue within it then there lies a huge bigger problem. Whatever it is is between them but regardless of how you feel it doesn't matter to her, this is her marriage and her husband. Not all of us are married to decent trustworthy men and you never know what his motive were if there was one.
Keep your head up and try and put yourself in her position. Don't spend to much time focusing on how this hurt you.
Along with every one else, I am SO sorry that you are going through this. It's an unfortunate situaution and one not easily solved. I have always gotten along better with guys than girls, therefore I am very conscious about how it can be percieved with other wives. Not that I have that many friends around. I do have a very, very close wife friend that is married to my husbands best frien (we have known him for 10 years.. (her 5).....
I have texted him for family plans or surprises for her or my hubby; however, I always make sure that I mention it to her or in both of their presence just to make sure.
Aside from that, lessoned learned, just be clear and over communicate as to avoid this again.
Hang in there, if the friendship is real it will endure this bump in the road!!!
There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out
with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are
friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo
for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I
strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect
our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men,
single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing.
However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is
wrong.
what.the.f*ck
Actually, IMO, there's something wrong with you if you cannot have friendships with men other than your husband without being headed for divorce court.
And this gem is awesome, too. It might be sig quote worthy.
You should be focusing that energy on your husband, not on other men.
thanks, Michelle Duggar.
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she's crazy insecure. sit down and talk to her about it, but you might end up realizing that HE is your friend, not her, and if that's the case, that's FINE. Married women and married men can be friends. Hell, married women and single men can be friends, and vice versa.
Having a control freak for a SO completely sucks. Been there, done that. I much prefer the trust that DH and I have. I can go out for an evening with one of my guy friends, and its fine. He can do the same with any of his female friends that I know. We might ask "so what did you do?" but its because we want to hear about each other's day, not that we're suspicious.
Sorry you feel bummed but I agree with your friend on this one. Everyone's marriage is their own to navigate and survive in. If not having women texting her husband helps her make it throught the dirty diapers and "fat jeans" days with her relationship and sanity intact then just be a friend to her and be glad YOU don't live that way. I personally feel that any friendships with married couple's should be with other married couples. Anything else seems like asking for it. And NO I don't mean ditch your pre-wedding friends, but I did pull back. Unmarried women just see things differently, including me before hubby came along.
There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men, single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing. However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is wrong.
what.the.f*ck
Actually, IMO, there's something wrong with you if you cannot have friendships with men other than your husband without being headed for divorce court.
For the record, I don't agree with her opinion, either, but people are all different and live their lives differently. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with her, as you suggest. You just disagree with her POV.
I've heard of this situation happening with some of my post-college friends (the ones I met from work). I have not ever experienced myself but I have always thought it was strange to tell someone you can or cannot call/text/talk to...whatever just because someone is married.
There is obviously trust issues on their end, I don't think anyone is wrong to contact a friend and it shouldn't matter if it's the male or female part of the relationship. In my own relationship we have a number of married friends where I know the husband better than the wife or my husband knows the wife better. We both get along well with others.
I agree there will always be that "elephant" in the room now. When we have met new people and started to get a vibe along what you experienced we pull away very quickly. It's just never a situation anyone wants to be in if another couple is having marriage issues. There are also some people out there that strongly feel that you can't be friends with married men (or even single men) after you're married. I've had that discussion with a few co-workers now. Personally, my husband and I do not agree so we associate with others who feel the same and it's yet to be a problem for us.
yes there is a common sense rule saying that if you are a woman you commonly go throught the matriarch aof the family and if you are a male you talk to the father. ?I think you will find that many women are possessive of their husbands (especially if they have had discretions earlier and are trying to work through them). ?I can tell you as a teacher, that if there is a mother and father phone number... you always call the womans first. ?
I have to say that if you are friends with both of them why do you seem to prefer to text him??? ?I believe it is because you prefer HIS company and not as much hers. ?Which means that for some reason she feels that as well, and I can tell you from experience THAT is what she doesn't trust. ?I think you need to look at why you feel you need to hang out with her husband without her? ?or text him without her? ?I would be very upset with you as well. ?And i can tell you I would tell my husband he COULDN"T hang out with you! ?She is doing it to save her family. ?not to please you. ?I would support you if you were right but....I have never posted before. ?And your post outraged me so much that I actually took the time to sign in and post.
If you value HER friendship, I hope you apologize to her and do as she wishes. ?If you Value HIS friendship, I hope you get lost like she would like. ?What's important to you?
I get that you probably didn't mean anything by it, but I'm with your friend on this one. It's not appropriate for you to be contacting her husband - even for harmless text messaging - because it's between you and someone else's husband. If you were talking to him when she was present, I don't think it would bother her, but we're talking about private messages here - messages she doesn't know about until either you or her husband tell her about them. I don't think she suspects you of trying to steal her husband, but it's just not a good idea. You're not in a position to argue for some supposed right to contact someone else's husband in a manner that doesn't explicitly include her (the wife). This used to be understood and taken for granted. My parents took it for granted, and so do I.
I know you didn't mean to sweep him off his feet or anything, but learn to take it for granted that women generally don't want other women texting or calling their husbands to talk just to them. It's not just insecurity on her part. What she's insisting on is common courtesy - or what used to be recognized as such. It's disrespectful to her, and if you can't see this from her perspective, then maybe you're not the "very very good friends" you thought you were.
Maybe the other guy is thinking of it as something more, that is why he deleted the messages? Maybe he feels guilty about it?
This same situation happened to a friend of mine. I understand where she's coming from. I think you are equal friends with the wife and husband, you should go through the wife first to avoid this situation.
I have had guy friends "first" and they picked up girlfriends/wives along the way. Now, I either copy the wife or normally just text the wife if the info is for the both of them.
I agree with ccm1203. I have seen great marriages end because of what starts out as an innocent friendship. A lot of people think that being friends with the opposite sex when married is inappropriate. I would try not to be offended or to take it personally. I do not think that your friend feeling this way had any reflection on you. I would try to let the hurt feelings go and try to preserve the friendship between both of them, just minus the texting.
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I guess it is the more traditional way of thinking, but I follow the same rule. I wouldn't get too offended by it. Obviously she values your friendship and doesn't want anything to come in between you and her husband that would mess that up. I live by the rule that while I have plenty of guy friends, I don't hang out with them alone or just call or text to say "what's up", mainly because my husband is my best friend, and I want him to know that. I want to make sure that he is not threatened in any way by another guy, and I think making friends like that is the best way to start that. We hang out as couples, but I make plans with the wife. Not that I don't talk to the husband. But since I follow this rule, as apparently your friend does, I would be a little put off if a good friend of mine started texting my husband instead of me. In her mind, that's just how "it's done", because that's what she's used to. I wouldn't be offended by it. That's how she was raised to think, and she's working hard on her relationship with her husband, and so she is just asking for your help with her marriage, even though it seems she doesn't know how to express it. You should be more than happy to help her out, and your friendship as couples will mature if you try to understand her and don't immediately take the defensive.
It really does sound like they have some issues they need to deal with that really have nothing to do with you. Hopefully it will just be a awkward spot in your relationship that will pass.
However, I do see where she is coming from. I have never had any trust issues with my dh but if one of my friends started texting him all of the time, just to chat, it would bother me. It's just not appropriate. Innocent or not, I do think the rules change a little when people are married. I'm friends with my girlfriends' husbands but out of respect to them and their marriages, I just wouldn't do that unless it was occasional and for a specific reason. I always try to reach my girlfriend first. Perhaps you can put yourself in her shoes?
I know some of these "rules" are kind of unspoken but they're there. Some people may think they are silly or old-fashioned but I also think that not following them can get people in trouble.
Well, I see both of your points, but bottom line is, she respected you enough to ask you to stop, and didnt just dump you as a friend, like some women would. And the fact that there is a problem in their marriage,is sad,but their business and that is more important than a friendship. I would respect her, if they are both you're equal friends and help her through it, a real friend would know when to back off and understand w/o taking it personal. Clearly he is not sharing the joke and no woman wants to see 10 messages on her mans cell, no matter how tight you are, I'm sure things will go back to normal!! Good luck!
I have been in her shoes and can tell you that if there is something in their past relationship where the trust was broken - they can move past it and be happily married, but she'll never forget and she'll never stop being "on watch" for signs of it happening again. I'm sure for you it may have been completely innocent, but you really don't know what kind of man he is or what he's done in the past to create this mistrust with his wife. Unfortunately you didn't know any of their private stuff before now and unwittingly crossed a boundary that makes your friend uncomfortable.My advice is stop texting with him - it's really not that important - or when you text, copy her so she knows you're just trying to make plans for the kids to meet up etc. But the best course of action if her friendship is important to you is to talk to her about it, let her know you had no idea it was a problem and that you won't do it anymore if it makes her uncomfortable. Let her see the texts - it will put her at ease if there's nothing there to see. Be very very careful about being flirtatious with her husband, even if it's innocent. Relationships like theirs are fragile - it doesn't mean they are not in love or that they are doomed, they just have to be handled with care and good friends should do what they can to help them. Good luck.
Its one thing if you were a co-worker or a stranger that she doesn't know. But if one of my FRIENDS was pissed that I was texting her dh, that would bother me. It's one thing to not have trust with her dh, but to not trust you, as a friend is wrong.
I am sorry this has happened, its not an easy thing to deal with. I really think there wouldn't be a problem as long he hadn't deleted your text to him, which probably caused her to think there was something up. When you read text you run the danger of people adding their own twist into what your saying. Even though what you text seems harmless, when she hears he deleted them it raises up suspicion that things are deeper than they really are. Keep your head up, talk it out with your partner, and talk it out with them. Its the only way things will get resolved. Good luck!
cr
BFP- Nov 4, 2010
MC- 12-13-10 you will be missed little one
BFP- 2/16/2012
MC- 3/29/2012 another angel in heaven
Apparently your feelings are hurt, but maybe something like this has happened before in their marriage and she doesn't want it to happen again.
Your friendship is never going to be the same, but you can try to talk to her about so that you have some peace of mind about it. Otherwise your going to be dewelling on it for a long time.
It's complicated being friends like that with a married man, you might not see it that way, but if you look at from her point of view, it's trouble waiting to happen.
Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today
This. You don't know what went on between them before to make her feel this way. Take it from someone with personal experience - learning to trust someone again is HARD. Especially when it's your husband.
I think no matter how innocent your intentions are, the way that behaviors can be perceived by "outsiders" can cause friction. Case in point: My SIL has been hanging out with a married man. She says it's completely innocent. Someone saw her riding around on the back of his motorcycle with him. Now there's rumors of an affair. (And, maybe it's just me, but I'd be pissed if my DH had another girl riding on the back of a motorcycle with him - regardless of how innocent he thinks it is.) It's all about perception, and right now, because of what they've been through together, the perception is that something inappropriate is going on. For now, let it go, let them work through this, and then pick up in the friendship where you left off.
I'm so late I probably shouldn't reply, but oh well. DH & I are BFs with a married couple. The wife, texts/calls DH if she needs anything; (we take care of each other's dogs when the other is out of town). She rarely texts me, even though, we're good friends. I have no problems with it. It wouldn't even cross my mind to have a problem with it. Currently her DH is deployed, so the texts have increased between her & my DH...still don't care. I trust both of them. So, yeah, this is totally their problem and not yours. I am so sorry you were hurt, I would be too. DH texts another one of his friend's wives too...come to think of it...and yeah, I still don't care.
What an awkward situation she's put all of you in now.
I think you should get over yourself and just go along with what your friend needs of you, because like I said, whatever pain she's going through because of her marriage is going to be FAR DEEPER than the pain you're going through over your friendship. Be the better person here.
dear nest/bump,
thanks for the influx of posters to this post 2 days late.
xoxo,
eclaires
PS - islandmomma - seriously? if he wants to text someone, text his wife?!?!?! LMAO! I am so grossed out by the idea that men and women cannot be friends and that it is inappropriate to text a member of the opposite sex if you are married. Maybe in this case it's understandable because of the trust issues, but in a healthy marriage/relationship, that idea is mind boggling.
i know it may seem innocent on your part and his, but for me, like someone stated, its a boundry thing. It may have nothing to do with the fact that you have NO feelings for him at all, but we see things like this happen all the time. Getting emotionaly involved even if you see it coming or not.
I concider my friends husbands friends, but I would NEVER text, email, face book or spend time alone together. Its out of respect. Regardless of their past issues, which have nothing to do with you, their still shouldnt be a ding in your friendship. She obviously needs someone to be there for her. She is obviously going thru some things and is in need of a friend more than ever. If she is your friend, you would put this behind you and be there for one another. It would be silly to stop being friends over her husband-which shouldnt be the end of your friendship.
Okay, first of all, I don't think that there is anything wrong with texting anyone you want. Assuming, of course, that the texts are not of an inappropriate nature.
Secondly, the issue is definitely between the other couple, so don't beat yourself up about it. As someone else stated, if she doesn't trust her own husband, do you really believe that she can trust anyone??
Finally, you need to decide whether or not you want to continue a friendship with the family. If you do, perhaps this is a good opportunity to reach out to the wife and offer your support since you do know BOTH of them and may be able to help her see things from a different perspective. If not, then just cut the ties and move on. Sometimes it's better to just not expose your own family to such a negative situation.
Best of luck!!
I would not like you texting my DH at all. Sorry you're feelings are hurt - but I think you are totally stepping over the line.
From a guys point of view....
I guess I'm pretty much screwed, all my friends are women and I text them all the time. Most of my clients and I become really good friends, my wife is welcome to view any texts I've ever sent. Sometimes she gets a little jealous when they get more texts than her so I send her a few extra texts
It really looks like there are deeply seeded trust issues in their relationship and until the husband can regain her trust then I'd just lay low and stay off the texting. I think its more in how she approached you about it. If she came to you in confidence and told you a different way like, "XYZ happened in the past and we are working through thisnow. It would really help me if you can help me out in this matter, I'm removing his texting to women privlages.... I'm sure there is nothing going on but for now would you refrain from texting him until we get things resolved it would make things easier for me. I love you to death and trust you completely but this is just something we need to work out."
Something along those lines may have gone over better, I'd just say water under the briddge and let it go but as a man I think it's easier for us to be able to do that so more power to you if you can let it go.
Hope it all works out for you and that this won't affect your friendship anymore than it already has.
Does anyone wonder why the husband deleted her texts? IMO, he deleted them so his wife wouldn't find them. In which case, he probably KNEW it would bother her (due to their past issues), so he shouldn't be doing it, even if it's innocent.
My rule is that you shouldn't do anything you wouldn't be comfortable telling your spouse about.
Hi, Your texts sound innocent enough, but she is feeling threatened so I would back off texting her husband until she is feeling better about the whole situation.
I lost my first husband because he was hanging out with a female co-worker and I thought nothing of it as she had a boyfriend that she has been dating for several years. He ended up emailing her a love letter and he tried to recall the message but he couldn't. She was upset about it because she thought they were just hanging out as friends and had no idea that he was in love with her. Also we had just had our 2nd baby just weeks earlier. She told him to stay away from her and he did for 6 months until things settled down and once she started to be friends with him again, he divorced me thinking that she would like him if he were single and she didn't so he is currently alone.
I think you should just acknowledge to the wife that you understand how she might feel about the situation and that you respect her wishes, but reassure her that these texts were innocent and that if she needs a friend to listen to that you're there.
Marriage is sacred and if trust is an issue within it then there lies a huge bigger problem. Whatever it is is between them but regardless of how you feel it doesn't matter to her, this is her marriage and her husband. Not all of us are married to decent trustworthy men and you never know what his motive were if there was one.
Keep your head up and try and put yourself in her position. Don't spend to much time focusing on how this hurt you.
Along with every one else, I am SO sorry that you are going through this. It's an unfortunate situaution and one not easily solved. I have always gotten along better with guys than girls, therefore I am very conscious about how it can be percieved with other wives. Not that I have that many friends around. I do have a very, very close wife friend that is married to my husbands best frien (we have known him for 10 years.. (her 5).....
I have texted him for family plans or surprises for her or my hubby; however, I always make sure that I mention it to her or in both of their presence just to make sure.
Aside from that, lessoned learned, just be clear and over communicate as to avoid this again.
Hang in there, if the friendship is real it will endure this bump in the road!!!
are these people trolls???
There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men, single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing. However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is wrong.
what.the.f*ck
Actually, IMO, there's something wrong with you if you cannot have friendships with men other than your husband without being headed for divorce court.
And this gem is awesome, too. It might be sig quote worthy.
You should be focusing that energy on your husband, not on other men.
thanks, Michelle Duggar.
she's crazy insecure. sit down and talk to her about it, but you might end up realizing that HE is your friend, not her, and if that's the case, that's FINE. Married women and married men can be friends. Hell, married women and single men can be friends, and vice versa.
Having a control freak for a SO completely sucks. Been there, done that. I much prefer the trust that DH and I have. I can go out for an evening with one of my guy friends, and its fine. He can do the same with any of his female friends that I know. We might ask "so what did you do?" but its because we want to hear about each other's day, not that we're suspicious.
For the record, I don't agree with her opinion, either, but people are all different and live their lives differently. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with her, as you suggest. You just disagree with her POV.
I've heard of this situation happening with some of my post-college friends (the ones I met from work). I have not ever experienced myself but I have always thought it was strange to tell someone you can or cannot call/text/talk to...whatever just because someone is married.
There is obviously trust issues on their end, I don't think anyone is wrong to contact a friend and it shouldn't matter if it's the male or female part of the relationship. In my own relationship we have a number of married friends where I know the husband better than the wife or my husband knows the wife better. We both get along well with others.
I agree there will always be that "elephant" in the room now. When we have met new people and started to get a vibe along what you experienced we pull away very quickly. It's just never a situation anyone wants to be in if another couple is having marriage issues. There are also some people out there that strongly feel that you can't be friends with married men (or even single men) after you're married. I've had that discussion with a few co-workers now. Personally, my husband and I do not agree so we associate with others who feel the same and it's yet to be a problem for us.
So Mel-
yes there is a common sense rule saying that if you are a woman you commonly go throught the matriarch aof the family and if you are a male you talk to the father. ?I think you will find that many women are possessive of their husbands (especially if they have had discretions earlier and are trying to work through them). ?I can tell you as a teacher, that if there is a mother and father phone number... you always call the womans first. ?
I have to say that if you are friends with both of them why do you seem to prefer to text him??? ?I believe it is because you prefer HIS company and not as much hers. ?Which means that for some reason she feels that as well, and I can tell you from experience THAT is what she doesn't trust. ?I think you need to look at why you feel you need to hang out with her husband without her? ?or text him without her? ?I would be very upset with you as well. ?And i can tell you I would tell my husband he COULDN"T hang out with you! ?She is doing it to save her family. ?not to please you. ?I would support you if you were right but....I have never posted before. ?And your post outraged me so much that I actually took the time to sign in and post.
If you value HER friendship, I hope you apologize to her and do as she wishes. ?If you Value HIS friendship, I hope you get lost like she would like. ?What's important to you?
I get that you probably didn't mean anything by it, but I'm with your friend on this one. It's not appropriate for you to be contacting her husband - even for harmless text messaging - because it's between you and someone else's husband. If you were talking to him when she was present, I don't think it would bother her, but we're talking about private messages here - messages she doesn't know about until either you or her husband tell her about them. I don't think she suspects you of trying to steal her husband, but it's just not a good idea. You're not in a position to argue for some supposed right to contact someone else's husband in a manner that doesn't explicitly include her (the wife). This used to be understood and taken for granted. My parents took it for granted, and so do I.
I know you didn't mean to sweep him off his feet or anything, but learn to take it for granted that women generally don't want other women texting or calling their husbands to talk just to them. It's not just insecurity on her part. What she's insisting on is common courtesy - or what used to be recognized as such. It's disrespectful to her, and if you can't see this from her perspective, then maybe you're not the "very very good friends" you thought you were.
Maybe the other guy is thinking of it as something more, that is why he deleted the messages? Maybe he feels guilty about it?
This same situation happened to a friend of mine. I understand where she's coming from. I think you are equal friends with the wife and husband, you should go through the wife first to avoid this situation.
I have had guy friends "first" and they picked up girlfriends/wives along the way. Now, I either copy the wife or normally just text the wife if the info is for the both of them.
It really does sound like they have some issues they need to deal with that really have nothing to do with you. Hopefully it will just be a awkward spot in your relationship that will pass.
However, I do see where she is coming from. I have never had any trust issues with my dh but if one of my friends started texting him all of the time, just to chat, it would bother me. It's just not appropriate. Innocent or not, I do think the rules change a little when people are married. I'm friends with my girlfriends' husbands but out of respect to them and their marriages, I just wouldn't do that unless it was occasional and for a specific reason. I always try to reach my girlfriend first. Perhaps you can put yourself in her shoes?
I know some of these "rules" are kind of unspoken but they're there. Some people may think they are silly or old-fashioned but I also think that not following them can get people in trouble.
I do hope your friendship is ok!!!
I would respect her, if they are both you're equal friends and help her through it, a real friend would know when to back off and understand w/o taking it personal. Clearly he is not sharing the joke and no woman wants to see 10 messages on her mans cell, no matter how tight you are, I'm sure things will go back to normal!! Good luck!
I have been in her shoes and can tell you that if there is something in their past relationship where the trust was broken - they can move past it and be happily married, but she'll never forget and she'll never stop being "on watch" for signs of it happening again. I'm sure for you it may have been completely innocent, but you really don't know what kind of man he is or what he's done in the past to create this mistrust with his wife. Unfortunately you didn't know any of their private stuff before now and unwittingly crossed a boundary that makes your friend uncomfortable.My advice is stop texting with him - it's really not that important - or when you text, copy her so she knows you're just trying to make plans for the kids to meet up etc. But the best course of action if her friendship is important to you is to talk to her about it, let her know you had no idea it was a problem and that you won't do it anymore if it makes her uncomfortable. Let her see the texts - it will put her at ease if there's nothing there to see. Be very very careful about being flirtatious with her husband, even if it's innocent. Relationships like theirs are fragile - it doesn't mean they are not in love or that they are doomed, they just have to be handled with care and good friends should do what they can to help them. Good luck.
She's pathetic, I'd be pissed if i were you.
Its one thing if you were a co-worker or a stranger that she doesn't know. But if one of my FRIENDS was pissed that I was texting her dh, that would bother me. It's one thing to not have trust with her dh, but to not trust you, as a friend is wrong.
Apparently your feelings are hurt, but maybe something like this has happened before in their marriage and she doesn't want it to happen again.
Your friendship is never going to be the same, but you can try to talk to her about so that you have some peace of mind about it. Otherwise your going to be dewelling on it for a long time.
It's complicated being friends like that with a married man, you might not see it that way, but if you look at from her point of view, it's trouble waiting to happen.