Were you texting him more than her? Maybe she felt left out.. who knows... Maybe she felt there was already a ding in the relationship because you weren't including her in the conversations with her hubby. If you are just now finding out about trust issues in their relationship and you all have been friends for a long time.. that kind of strikes me as you and her aren't very close. Maybe she was feeling a little jealous because you and her husband were getting closer than she and you. It was probably very hard for her to even say anything to you about it. I wouldn't take it so personally really if I were you.. sounds like an issue between the two of them.
If you are feelin like there is a ding in the friendship, you really need to talk to her about how you feel. As far as I'm concerned thats what friends do in these situations. I would have no problem telling a friend of mine or my husband that I felt there was a line being crossed. And I would have no problem with a friend of mine saying something to me. Its a respect thing and I wouldn't want to do anything to make a friend uncomfortable.
If you guys were just innocently texting silly stuff occasionally, then what really is the big deal if you text her instead, just out of respect.
I'm sorry but when did texting become a sex only medium? From someone FROM the texting generation, texting is not a hidden form of communication. It's just as common as facebooking and is just as innocent or not. YOU HAVE TO DEFINE IT. You can message on facebook and keep it hidden just as this guy did with ya'lls texts. You can do the same with phone calls. And face to face interaction. If you want to have an affair you will do it using whatever medium. People have been cheating since the stone age so no hun it isnt generally wrong to text anyone, unless of course they dont like texting for some reason or you are using it to hurt someone.
But just cus you text someone of the same or opposite sex does not mean that you are doing so to have an affair, sexual emotional or otherwise. You'd be in the wrong if you were saying inappropriate things. You'd also be wrong if your friend was upfront with her worries and asked you not to contact him. Thats her prerogative and unfortunately you have to respect it and find new friends or deal with her limits.
If you are a regular texter and you texted one or always get a better response from wife over hubby or visa versa you'll be more inclined to text them again, and then it just becomes habit. There is no rule or rhyme or reason it all has to do with the situation. And if you dont like texting/ or find texting in general wrong or offensive then that is fine, dont do it. But there are no "rules" about it except from jealous, insecure people (both male & female). And those rules should be respected when dealing with those people only, they have their reasons.
I live in Dallas and am Episcopalian and not sure how it is other places but I dont think I suddenly moved to or joined a society where I am not allowed to speak to males and males are not allowed to speak to me (and in today's society texting is the same as speaking, at least for a significant percentage of the population, mostly under 30 but many over). I actually have the self control to not jump every penis I see. And frankly I do not have the desire to. I can spend time alone with a man and never feel the compulsion to seduce him or be seduced. When I got married I didnt think I was also signing a contract never to be alone or speak to a man again...
Id suggest you find some like minded friends. Sucks about you losing this one but hopefully they will work through their probs. For now I'd say just give them space and time and let it go. I'm with most everyone else, YOU didnt do anything wrong (he might have though which is where her animosity toward you is most definitely from) and should just focus on strengthening a different friendship set.
It does seem a little critical and distrustful of your friend to act this way. I wouldn't expect the average person to behave this way under normal circumstances... but remember that your friend has been through something probably very difficult and scary concerning her relationship with her husband. Right now, it seems that he still has to earn her trust, and maybe someday it will be restored. I'm sure it was embarassing and difficult for her to approach you, but she has obviously resolved that she will fight for the success of her marriage and cherish it above friendship - I can't say that's an unworthy cause.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about all your other friendships with married guys, as long as both parties continue to act appropriately. I'm sorry this has put a stain on your friendship; marital infidelity in the past has really far-reaching effects, much farther than only the relationship between husband and wife. If you are very offended, maybe it's time to distance yourself from that family. If you think you can oblige your friend and still maintain a close friendship with her, go for it. Sorry you're in this position.
If she is a very very good friend of yours respect her wishes and stop texting her husband. She is right, your friendship is with her and any plans you make with her or her family should not go through her husband. There is no reason for you to be butt hurt about this. Do as she asks and move on. I would not be comfortable wih my girlfriends texting my husband on a regular basis. I trust my husband and expect my friends to respect our relationship. Any trust issues they may or may not have had are none of your business. Even if she has shared them with you do not turn them around to use in your defense.
I can't imagine NOT having male friends in my life, especially dh's friends.DH travels a lot for work. His friends stop by on a regular basis when he's gone to make sure i'm ok with the kids, ask if i need anything done around the house, etc.
They even stay for dinner or hang out and watch a football or baseball game. Some of you are probably having a heart attack hearing that. But dh trusts both me and his friends and he loves that we are all so close.
I had a friend who got married a couple years ago. His wife had always had trust issues but he promised he wasn't doing anything with anyone else. He told her he cared about other girls as friends and this included me but he loved me more as a sister.
It took her a little while to understand what he means but now I talk to both of them and I'm also married. I love both of them dearly as family but I guess thats just the bond we've built. Maybe one day your friend will come around but for now just be careful and I won't text back and forth as much.
Because I was reciently in her shoes I guess I understand. My DH was texting his friends wife. Had been for months when I found out. I as him to stop because it made me uncomfortable due to the fact that she had just found out her husband was cheating. She seemed to me like the type that would try to "get even." Months after he agreed to stop I found out that he was still texting and calling her. I felt betrayed among many other things. Maybe their situation is similar to ours. Or maybe the past issue involved him texting another woman.
I'm sorry that she needed to ask you to stop texting. Though, I do agree that there is a need for boundaries within a marriage (we're wired up to connect to men with our hearts--why not keep that just for our husbands?). She could have dealt with it better and kept it between her and her husband--and preserved your own friendship with her! Yet, that's said and done, and you can keep the friendship by forgiving, and striving to keep her friendship, and his, by understanding and keeping within their boundaries. Innocent or not, I'd hate to be a source of strife between them.
What the heck, there's my two-cents worth. Take it or leave it. :-D
I totally undestand how you would feel offended here and that your friendship is tainted- But, this is obviously about a past situation and not about you OR what she thinks of you. Imagine how hard it was for her to ask you that, and admitt that they were having marital difficulties. All you know is it was 'trust issues' right? Well, maybe something happened that started innocently and similarly to your situation. Maybe you guys could have some one on one girl time (not neccesarily to disccus this, but just to connect as moms). Again, try not to be too offended, though it is understandable.
Wow, I could have written this! I havent logged onto The Bump in years, but I get the e-mails and had to click over when this post was on my e-mail.
Last week a very good friend of mine contact me to tell me the exact same thing. She has trust issues not from her husband, but from previous relationships and I was FLOORED. My husband and I seperated in January and all of my neighbors have been extremely supportive. There was some issues with teenagers having parties in the emply lot behind my house in the spring. This friend GAVE her husband my cell number so that he could offer to go back there and get the kids to leave. About a week later I was meeting another girlfriend at a restaurant we have in our neighborhood and he was there alone with his 2 kids. So all of us ended up sitting together. There has been 2 times that he invited me and my 2 year old along with other neighbors to meet him and his kids there. I was always the only taker, but he made it seem like it was his wife's idea to include me. I didn't have a clue she didn't know because I even told her a story one day about how my son started to want to use the potty after having dinner with her 2 kids. She claims she remembers the conversation, but didn't realize it was while having dinner with her husband. She went onto say that if I was a real friend I would have called her to tell her I sat with him the first time and that I should have checked with her when he asked me to go the other times. I have been with my husband for 15 years and even though we are currently separated our marriage never operated like that and I would not have had a problem if the tables were turned. She went on to compare me to a woman in our neighborhood that does go after married men and told me that she thought she knew me, but only as a married woman. It has been totally immature situation and I can not believe I'm caught up in it. All of the other neighbors think it is funny because I'm the furthest thing from a man stealer and they all think she is being totally irrational.
Let me also tell you that this particular man is in no way shape or form someone I would be interested in if he wasn't married let alone as a married man of a friend. The thing that makes me really sad is that my son played with her sons almost everyday and now we aren't on speaking terms really.
I never knew there was a rule that married women and men couldn't associate with one another without the respective spouses. I thought nothing of it especially since it was more like a playdate where I was doing most of the interaction with the children.
Sorry this happened to someone else, but also nice to hear that I'm not crazy in thinking there wasn't anything out of whack with what I did. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one though!
People just take things differently. I have friends that hug my husband and are very friendly with him and others that are more like your friend and work woman to woman. It sounds like it is more of their issue and that you just got caught in the middle. At least she feels that you are good enough friends to tell you about it up front and not to harbor bad feelings without telling you. It may feel wierd because you weren't doing anything wrong, but hopefully you can still be friends.
I'm not sure how I would feel in this situation. If I were you I wouldn't take it too personally, because there is obviously a reason she does not trust her DH. The fact that he deleted your texts does make it look like he is trying to hide something.
With that said, I think she should have had a conversation with you & explained why she is not comfortable with you texting him. If they have problems in their marraige & your texting adds to them...then as a friend you would need to honor her request. Asking you to show her the text msgs is a whole different story, that is questioning your integrity.
I hope you can move past this issue & continue your friendships. If their marriage is having problems, then she may need your friendship more then ever. GL.
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I agree with this post. It is a problem she has with her husband that you unfortunately got in the middle of. I know people like this. Some who have cheated in the past and can no longer trust each other. My DH jokes with me about this. He says he wishes that I would show more emotion like this.
Has anyone ever considered that maybe she knows the husband maybe has a crush/feelings/interest for OG that she has no clue about. ?Maybe the OG has completely innocent intentions and therefore would never even consider that the friend's husband would be anything but just friendly. ?But then again you never know and maybe the friend/wife knows something that the OG does not know. ?My advice: Don't take it so personally. Move on and just let go of your hurt feelings. ?Because as others have posted, it's not really your issue, it's theirs. ?
?And although I've had tons of guy friends in the past, this is exactly why as I get older (and married now) do I realize that maybe the movie "When Harry Met Sally" was right: Men and Women can't be friends because the sex part ?always gets in the way.??
My husband and I have couple friends who we hang out with, and none of us care who contacts who to make plans because we are all friends. There is nothing wrong with making plans so that you can get the kids together. Now, if he'd rather make plans with you and not tell his wife about it because she's not as much fun or he doesn't want her to know, you have to wonder about that- I mean, maybe you are just friends with him, but how does he feel about you? I think it's weird he deleted all of his texts from you... that would lead to suspicion. Although, my husband and I regularly delete our texts to keep our inboxes clean and neither one of us cares. I think it's a trust issue in their relationship and you're best to step back and let them hash it out if you want to salvage either friendship. But sure, forward her the text messages, or let her look at your phone if it makes her feel better. Who cares? You have nothing to hide.
I have had one friend not trust me with her husband once, and he and I were friends for years before they got married. Turned out it was because she was cheating on him and figured he was doing the same- of course he wasn't. So, you never know where the issues in someone else's marriage stem from.
If your friend had to ask you it means she has some major trust issues and I don't think she'll be getting over them anytime soon.
I may be off here but I email my girlfriends and their husbands, I email my guy friends and their wives. Does this mean I am going to end up ruining someones marriage? No. Am I going to ruin my own? No. If I was going to have an affair I wouldn't do it with someone I know as a family friend, no way. But thats just me. I don't see a problem with talking to both but if someone said there was a trust issue I'd gladly BCC her all the emails I send to her hubby so she can see that all we talk about is stuff that our famillies are doing, or talk about current events or stuff like that. I can't see any of their hubbys taking it to mean more than just casual conversation. I certainly don't.
I hope you don't let her insecurity ruin more of your week than it already has.
So you say she is your very very good friend....then why don't you text HER all the time insted of her husband? have you ever asked yourself? does she text your husband all the time? what does your husband think about this? frankly I have no interest texting or calling the husbands of my ladyfriends. When we meet at family events I talk to them, I like them but I am not texting them or calling them. The guy friens I have I make sure I include their spouses all the time so nobody gets hurt. We are all different, there is no need to judge a woman saying she does not trust in her husband because she does not like that her ladyfriend texts him all the time.
It was probably innocent, but if some woman that I met with my husband would text him instead of me, especially when making plans etc, or to send a joke or something, I would be weirded out. Sorry.
I am surprised by how many people are saying that this is the wife's issue and not HIS issue. Clearly something happened in the past that compromised the trust she has with her husband and for whatever reason she chose to try to go on with her marriage. He did something inappropriate in the past that made her loose trust in him and it is now his responsibility to earn that trust back. Texting a super hot women (I am going to assume that you are attractive since everyone here seems to think so and as I have never seen you I cannot be a judge of that) and then deleting the texts (no matter how innocent they may be) is not the best way to earn that trust back. The issue isn't hers and it isn't yours, the issue is his for being d-bag and breaking the trust to begin with.
Personally in my marriage we don't have friends of the opposite sex, not because we don't trust each other, but because you never know who is going to see the relationship as something other then what it is. You don't know that your friend isn't secretly wanting something more and you don't necessarily know if other people at the pool aren't calling his wife and telling her that from their perspective something more isn't going on. If he is deleting the texts then clearly he doesn't believe things are as innocent as you do.
My DH has what I call an "internet wife." She's one of his friends from college and she's married to someone else. She and I are friends on FB and talk like once in a blue moon, but they talk everyday. Five years ago, that would have realllly bothered me, so I can see where the wife is coming from.
But how little self-esteem does she have for her to be so concerned about her friend (who is married) running off with her husband? And maybe she needs to reevaluate if she's being that big of a B in the relationship that she needs to worry about that anyway. I mean putting a stop to texting between you two is a really snotty thing to do.
Crazy, Most of my best friends are men, and I do occasionally get texts from my husbands friends and vice versa. Often he is copied, but not always. I think it is wrong that she feels she can dictate what is appropriate behavior for you when you have done nothing wrong just because she doesn't trust her husband. I think its time for you to part ways. Sad, but how could you be friends after such and awkward issue.
She basically just insinuated that you might be the type of person to sleep with a friends husband or at a minimum behave inappropriately. So not ok.
She needs to work out the issues with her husband and you can't do that for her.
I agree--if you are as good of friends with the wife as you say, it was probably uncomfortable for her to do this in the first place but she still did--which means there was a reason for it. If there is even a sliver of the possibility that texting with other people's spouses could effect their marriage, I would do the same thing.
No doubt things were harmless as you say, but why introduce something that could potentially lead to something more inappropriate?
Second - If I were in your shoes, I would feel hurt/weird. That being said I can she where she is coming from. If she has trust issues with him, chances are she is wary of any and all communication with women that she does not witness herself. And, the fact that he does not have the text messages is just adding to her suspicion. If I were in your shoes I would try and move above it. It will probably be a little weird for a bit, but hopefully you all can still stay great friends. Just remember it really has nothing to do with you - it's them.
Sorry you sort of are caught up in their marriage stuff...that's a bummer.
I agree with camrude. But untill you've walked in someones elses shoes where your husband was apparently doing something suspicious with another woman you cant really blame the wife for wanting to protect her marriage. And what you thought were innocent texts and calls can look like flirting with tempation to her. Building trust with someone can take time but can be broken in an instant after finding sexy texts or emails and since you dont know what it was that exactly happened I would just recomend that you try to just move on and forget about the whole thing and try to listen to her wishes regarding her husband.
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You can be hurt for a little bit. That sucks. But keep in mind that everyone's ideas and boundaries for their relationships are very different. You sound very secure with your hubby, and she does not. And we may not always understand someone else's issues, but if she's a close friend of yours you should respect it. Especially if there were trust issues with a spouse in the past...red flags girl!! You don't want anything to do with that anyway. She's the one you had a friendship with in the first place, right?
I do think her asking for your texts is a little extreme! And her reaction to your texting other friend's H just shows how it's really an issue for her. I'm sure it took a lot for her to call you and say what she did anyway. You should have a chat with her and tell her, gently, how she has made you feel unworthy of her trust too. It's up to you and her, based on what she says, as to where your friendship will go. If you don't discuss it, you may end up with a permanent rift in your friendship.
There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men, single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing. However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is wrong.
what.the.f*ck
Actually, IMO, there's something wrong with you if you cannot have friendships with men other than your husband without being headed for divorce court.
For the record, I don't agree with her opinion, either, but people are all different and live their lives differently. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with her, as you suggest. You just disagree with her POV.
I used the word "wrong" because that poster did, first, to make a point in my reply.
But thanks for the lesson on me "just disagreeing with her POV."
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Hmm, an interesting point you make, but what is the point of continuing a marriage with no trust. At that point, you might as well get divorced and move on if you are not able to forgive and forget.
That way you wouldn't have to alienate all your friends thinking they are cheating with your husband.
Having friends of the opposite sex is fine so long as you remember you are married and not allowed break your marital vows. She either needs to learn to trust her husband or get rid of him because obviously this is not working for her.
If he is a good guy and she is still worried about cheating...chances are she is the one sneaking around. You definately did nothing wrong. I get texts from our male friends all the time. My husband gets texts from our female friends....we trust eachother and that leaves nothing to worry about. I would just feel sorry for him for being put on a leash. That sucks that you are being limited to how and when you can speak to your friend. Does he know about this phone call? I would ask him...
If there are trust issues between your friend and her husband that's between them and you should respect her request, without taking it personally.
With that said, I wouldn't want my husband and friends texting each other unless they're planning a surprise party for me or discussing a gift he has questions about buying (both scenarios which have happened in the past).
All my friends have my husband's phone number and I have all their SOs numbers. A bday text is one thing, but seriously, why do you have to be making plans to go to the pool with him? Isn't SHE the one who's your friend?
I'm fair though, in the same way I don't see a need for my husband and my friends to communicate via text, I don't see a need for their SOs to communicate with me. Same goes for his friends. He has a friend who always texts me, and it makes me so uncomfortable. I've told my hubs a number of times, and he doesn't think anything of it, but that's just me. I don't see a need to interlace friendships beyond going out and having fun... no need for private communication that doesn't involve both parties of the marriage. If you're sending a group txt message that includes me, that's one thing... private messages (even if not secret) should not be part of the friendship. There is no need or purpose.
Would you want your husband hanging out at the pool w/one of your friends, without you?
I've felt the same way about texting and being suspicious of DH. If it's a married woman and it's not rediculously frequent, I think it's ok. I have problems with flirty single women texting back and forth... esp a coworker of his. We've worked on it and HE knows how I feel. Still not happy when it happens but... it's way less frequent now.
As a DH myself, I'm shocked. If the wife had trust issues with her husband, the last thing I would have expected would be for her to go behind her husband's back and talk to you one-on-one. Were I her, and I just had to tell you what she did, I would have done it in front of him, so he knows what's up. (If anything, it puts him on notice, if he is untrustworthy; at the very least, it embarasses him even more to cut any shenanigans out -- with anyone -- not saying anything went on between you two.)
Okay, that aside -- were I you, I'd kindly inform her, "Okay, I hear what you are saying, and I think I understand where you're coming from. You don't trust your man. Got it. Now think of me for a minute, and try to see it from my point of view. A person I think of as a very good friend has just told me to stop texting her husband. As if _I_ did something wrong. (Pause) (Facial expression that says, "What? Like you don't realize how awkward and insulted I am feeling?!") Okay? So because we're good friends, let me whip out my time machine, and let's try this again -- except this time, try a little more "Hallmark" and a lot less "Desperate Housewives"?! If she still didn't get it, I feel sorry for her. She's so insecure that she is willing to destroy multiple friendships to give her a false sense of control and security. Just be glad you discovered this before she got closer.
My wife and I discussed insecurity and jealousy at our engagement encounter before we got married -- so we decided back then to just put everything out in the open. She can read any email/text I get, especially if it's from a female -- and I can do likewise. I think it's cute, rather than invasive (as in, "oh look, she actually thinks I'm that much of a catch that someone else would want some of this...") so I never feel like it's a violation of trust. I'd be more hurt if she felt insecure and kept it in or hidden.
So hope and pray for the both of them to work out their issues -- and to keep their drama to themselves.
hahaha this comments are the funniest! how far you go saying that if you do not like that another woman is texting your husband all the time then your marrige does not have a meaning!!!! hahaha...you can might as well pay him a lapdance or so!
I can't believe she would ask you that and not even consider how it would make you feel.. she doesn't trust her husband that's fine sounds like an awesome relationship but she essentially saying she doesn't trust you either. There would be way more than a ding in my relationship with a friend if that happened... I would be very uncomfortable with her lack of trust in me... It's not about the text and whether or not you can live without texting him it's the implication of saying... "don't text my husband" It wouldn't sit well with me... MY HUSBAND would be insulted if a friend asked me to not text their husbandt... idk...I don't think that it has anything to do with who met who through who either... i can see how you can make it that way but like i said it's MORE than that. That's what I think anyway. To get rid of the elephant ( by the way i LOVE that you used that term i used it around my in-law and they had no idea what i was talking about :-P) you could be blunt with her ( she was with you) and be honest and tell her that her asking you that kind of made you think that she doesn't trust you either... Sometimes if you point out the elephant it goes away or is easier to be around anyway.
If the texts are no big deal then so what if you have to stop texting him? My DH and have a group of friends, 6 couples, that get together every other week consistently. When we're together it's common that we all carry on whatever conversation with whomever in the group, but if we need to contact another member who's a different sex outside of the get together we always go through our spouse to do so. In other words guys only contact guys, girls only girls. Then there's no reason for anyone to get upset with their spouse or friend. There's an unspoken respect there between spouses and friends. Sounds like you don't respect your friend too much otherwise you wouldn't be making a big deal out of it.
I really cannot stop laughing at all these replies.
I don't think winery ever said, "OMG NOW I CAN'T TEXT THIS GUY WHATEVER WILL I DO!!!! I NEEEEEEEED TO TEXT HIM."
It's a big deal to her because it's hurtful. It implies that her friend thinks she has an inappropriate relationship with her husband. That's not a good feeling if you have a good friend.
Regardless, I'm sure she is fine w/ no longer texting this person and realizes it is an issue in THEIR marriage, but it would still sting for a friend to imply you are less than trustworthy yourself. Even if the issue is solely with the husband.
I am so laughing at all you freaks who only have wives contact wives and husbands contact husbands. What healthy relationships you must have if that's how you have to roll to stay above suspicion and to keep people from being upset with their spouses.
Join 2010. It's awesome. We have iPhones. And women can wear pants.
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There is definitely something wrong with a woman texting or hanging out with another woman's DH (especially on a regular basis). If you are friends with the "family," you should be talking to the wife. Bravo for the wife standing up for her marriage! Once we take vows, I strongly believe that we need to do everything that we can to protect our marriages. That includes no "friend" relationships with other men, single or married. If we all hang out as families, that's one thing. However, talking or hanging out with someone else's DH by yourself is wrong.
what.the.f*ck
Actually, IMO, there's something wrong with you if you cannot have friendships with men other than your husband without being headed for divorce court.
For the record, I don't agree with her opinion, either, but people are all different and live their lives differently. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with her, as you suggest. You just disagree with her POV.
I used the word "wrong" because that poster did, first, to make a point in my reply.
But thanks for the lesson on me "just disagreeing with her POV."
I would not forward the texts to her and I would pretty much write both of them off. She was way out of line. Her trust issues are HER issues... not yours. I would tell her basically to "give you a call when she gets her issues sorted out"- and then maybe you all can be friends again, if you want to at that time.
There is no rule that you cannot be friends with each other; I talk to both husband and wife of friend couples frequently. I know many others who do too. The controlling and jealous wife will effectively drive all her friends away, unfortunately.
Re: So one of my very very good friends called me today
Were you texting him more than her? Maybe she felt left out.. who knows... Maybe she felt there was already a ding in the relationship because you weren't including her in the conversations with her hubby. If you are just now finding out about trust issues in their relationship and you all have been friends for a long time.. that kind of strikes me as you and her aren't very close. Maybe she was feeling a little jealous because you and her husband were getting closer than she and you. It was probably very hard for her to even say anything to you about it. I wouldn't take it so personally really if I were you.. sounds like an issue between the two of them.
If you are feelin like there is a ding in the friendship, you really need to talk to her about how you feel. As far as I'm concerned thats what friends do in these situations. I would have no problem telling a friend of mine or my husband that I felt there was a line being crossed. And I would have no problem with a friend of mine saying something to me. Its a respect thing and I wouldn't want to do anything to make a friend uncomfortable.
If you guys were just innocently texting silly stuff occasionally, then what really is the big deal if you text her instead, just out of respect.
I'm sorry but when did texting become a sex only medium? From someone FROM the texting generation, texting is not a hidden form of communication. It's just as common as facebooking and is just as innocent or not. YOU HAVE TO DEFINE IT. You can message on facebook and keep it hidden just as this guy did with ya'lls texts. You can do the same with phone calls. And face to face interaction. If you want to have an affair you will do it using whatever medium. People have been cheating since the stone age so no hun it isnt generally wrong to text anyone, unless of course they dont like texting for some reason or you are using it to hurt someone.
But just cus you text someone of the same or opposite sex does not mean that you are doing so to have an affair, sexual emotional or otherwise. You'd be in the wrong if you were saying inappropriate things. You'd also be wrong if your friend was upfront with her worries and asked you not to contact him. Thats her prerogative and unfortunately you have to respect it and find new friends or deal with her limits.
If you are a regular texter and you texted one or always get a better response from wife over hubby or visa versa you'll be more inclined to text them again, and then it just becomes habit. There is no rule or rhyme or reason it all has to do with the situation. And if you dont like texting/ or find texting in general wrong or offensive then that is fine, dont do it. But there are no "rules" about it except from jealous, insecure people (both male & female). And those rules should be respected when dealing with those people only, they have their reasons.
I live in Dallas and am Episcopalian and not sure how it is other places but I dont think I suddenly moved to or joined a society where I am not allowed to speak to males and males are not allowed to speak to me (and in today's society texting is the same as speaking, at least for a significant percentage of the population, mostly under 30 but many over). I actually have the self control to not jump every penis I see. And frankly I do not have the desire to. I can spend time alone with a man and never feel the compulsion to seduce him or be seduced. When I got married I didnt think I was also signing a contract never to be alone or speak to a man again...
Id suggest you find some like minded friends. Sucks about you losing this one but hopefully they will work through their probs. For now I'd say just give them space and time and let it go. I'm with most everyone else, YOU didnt do anything wrong (he might have though which is where her animosity toward you is most definitely from) and should just focus on strengthening a different friendship set.
It does seem a little critical and distrustful of your friend to act this way. I wouldn't expect the average person to behave this way under normal circumstances... but remember that your friend has been through something probably very difficult and scary concerning her relationship with her husband. Right now, it seems that he still has to earn her trust, and maybe someday it will be restored. I'm sure it was embarassing and difficult for her to approach you, but she has obviously resolved that she will fight for the success of her marriage and cherish it above friendship - I can't say that's an unworthy cause.
If I were you, I wouldn't worry about all your other friendships with married guys, as long as both parties continue to act appropriately. I'm sorry this has put a stain on your friendship; marital infidelity in the past has really far-reaching effects, much farther than only the relationship between husband and wife. If you are very offended, maybe it's time to distance yourself from that family. If you think you can oblige your friend and still maintain a close friendship with her, go for it. Sorry you're in this position.
I can't imagine NOT having male friends in my life, especially dh's friends.DH travels a lot for work. His friends stop by on a regular basis when he's gone to make sure i'm ok with the kids, ask if i need anything done around the house, etc.
They even stay for dinner or hang out and watch a football or baseball game. Some of you are probably having a heart attack hearing that. But dh trusts both me and his friends and he loves that we are all so close.
I had a friend who got married a couple years ago. His wife had always had trust issues but he promised he wasn't doing anything with anyone else. He told her he cared about other girls as friends and this included me but he loved me more as a sister.
It took her a little while to understand what he means but now I talk to both of them and I'm also married. I love both of them dearly as family but I guess thats just the bond we've built. Maybe one day your friend will come around but for now just be careful and I won't text back and forth as much.
PC
I'm sorry that she needed to ask you to stop texting. Though, I do agree that there is a need for boundaries within a marriage (we're wired up to connect to men with our hearts--why not keep that just for our husbands?). She could have dealt with it better and kept it between her and her husband--and preserved your own friendship with her! Yet, that's said and done, and you can keep the friendship by forgiving, and striving to keep her friendship, and his, by understanding and keeping within their boundaries. Innocent or not, I'd hate to be a source of strife between them.
What the heck, there's my two-cents worth. Take it or leave it. :-D
I totally undestand how you would feel offended here and that your friendship is tainted- But, this is obviously about a past situation and not about you OR what she thinks of you. Imagine how hard it was for her to ask you that, and admitt that they were having marital difficulties. All you know is it was 'trust issues' right? Well, maybe something happened that started innocently and similarly to your situation. Maybe you guys could have some one on one girl time (not neccesarily to disccus this, but just to connect as moms). Again, try not to be too offended, though it is understandable.
Wow, I could have written this! I havent logged onto The Bump in years, but I get the e-mails and had to click over when this post was on my e-mail.
Last week a very good friend of mine contact me to tell me the exact same thing. She has trust issues not from her husband, but from previous relationships and I was FLOORED. My husband and I seperated in January and all of my neighbors have been extremely supportive. There was some issues with teenagers having parties in the emply lot behind my house in the spring. This friend GAVE her husband my cell number so that he could offer to go back there and get the kids to leave. About a week later I was meeting another girlfriend at a restaurant we have in our neighborhood and he was there alone with his 2 kids. So all of us ended up sitting together. There has been 2 times that he invited me and my 2 year old along with other neighbors to meet him and his kids there. I was always the only taker, but he made it seem like it was his wife's idea to include me. I didn't have a clue she didn't know because I even told her a story one day about how my son started to want to use the potty after having dinner with her 2 kids. She claims she remembers the conversation, but didn't realize it was while having dinner with her husband. She went onto say that if I was a real friend I would have called her to tell her I sat with him the first time and that I should have checked with her when he asked me to go the other times. I have been with my husband for 15 years and even though we are currently separated our marriage never operated like that and I would not have had a problem if the tables were turned. She went on to compare me to a woman in our neighborhood that does go after married men and told me that she thought she knew me, but only as a married woman. It has been totally immature situation and I can not believe I'm caught up in it. All of the other neighbors think it is funny because I'm the furthest thing from a man stealer and they all think she is being totally irrational.
Let me also tell you that this particular man is in no way shape or form someone I would be interested in if he wasn't married let alone as a married man of a friend. The thing that makes me really sad is that my son played with her sons almost everyday and now we aren't on speaking terms really.
I never knew there was a rule that married women and men couldn't associate with one another without the respective spouses. I thought nothing of it especially since it was more like a playdate where I was doing most of the interaction with the children.
Sorry this happened to someone else, but also nice to hear that I'm not crazy in thinking there wasn't anything out of whack with what I did. Glad to hear that I'm not the only one though!
I know winery and her family personally. Her husband is HOT, and there is about zero chance that she would be fooling around with a friend's husband.
I can't believe the number of one-post people who chimed in on this thread. Apparently your friend isn't the only one with trust issues.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
I'm not sure how I would feel in this situation. If I were you I wouldn't take it too personally, because there is obviously a reason she does not trust her DH. The fact that he deleted your texts does make it look like he is trying to hide something.
With that said, I think she should have had a conversation with you & explained why she is not comfortable with you texting him. If they have problems in their marraige & your texting adds to them...then as a friend you would need to honor her request. Asking you to show her the text msgs is a whole different story, that is questioning your integrity.
I hope you can move past this issue & continue your friendships. If their marriage is having problems, then she may need your friendship more then ever. GL.
Has anyone ever considered that maybe she knows the husband maybe has a crush/feelings/interest for OG that she has no clue about. ?Maybe the OG has completely innocent intentions and therefore would never even consider that the friend's husband would be anything but just friendly. ?But then again you never know and maybe the friend/wife knows something that the OG does not know. ?My advice: Don't take it so personally. Move on and just let go of your hurt feelings. ?Because as others have posted, it's not really your issue, it's theirs. ?
?And although I've had tons of guy friends in the past, this is exactly why as I get older (and married now) do I realize that maybe the movie "When Harry Met Sally" was right: Men and Women can't be friends because the sex part ?always gets in the way.??
My husband and I have couple friends who we hang out with, and none of us care who contacts who to make plans because we are all friends. There is nothing wrong with making plans so that you can get the kids together. Now, if he'd rather make plans with you and not tell his wife about it because she's not as much fun or he doesn't want her to know, you have to wonder about that- I mean, maybe you are just friends with him, but how does he feel about you? I think it's weird he deleted all of his texts from you... that would lead to suspicion. Although, my husband and I regularly delete our texts to keep our inboxes clean and neither one of us cares. I think it's a trust issue in their relationship and you're best to step back and let them hash it out if you want to salvage either friendship. But sure, forward her the text messages, or let her look at your phone if it makes her feel better. Who cares? You have nothing to hide.
I have had one friend not trust me with her husband once, and he and I were friends for years before they got married. Turned out it was because she was cheating on him and figured he was doing the same- of course he wasn't. So, you never know where the issues in someone else's marriage stem from.
If your friend had to ask you it means she has some major trust issues and I don't think she'll be getting over them anytime soon.
I may be off here but I email my girlfriends and their husbands, I email my guy friends and their wives. Does this mean I am going to end up ruining someones marriage? No. Am I going to ruin my own? No. If I was going to have an affair I wouldn't do it with someone I know as a family friend, no way. But thats just me. I don't see a problem with talking to both but if someone said there was a trust issue I'd gladly BCC her all the emails I send to her hubby so she can see that all we talk about is stuff that our famillies are doing, or talk about current events or stuff like that. I can't see any of their hubbys taking it to mean more than just casual conversation. I certainly don't.
I hope you don't let her insecurity ruin more of your week than it already has.
It was probably innocent, but if some woman that I met with my husband would text him instead of me, especially when making plans etc, or to send a joke or something, I would be weirded out. Sorry.
I am surprised by how many people are saying that this is the wife's issue and not HIS issue. Clearly something happened in the past that compromised the trust she has with her husband and for whatever reason she chose to try to go on with her marriage. He did something inappropriate in the past that made her loose trust in him and it is now his responsibility to earn that trust back. Texting a super hot women (I am going to assume that you are attractive since everyone here seems to think so and as I have never seen you I cannot be a judge of that) and then deleting the texts (no matter how innocent they may be) is not the best way to earn that trust back. The issue isn't hers and it isn't yours, the issue is his for being d-bag and breaking the trust to begin with.
Personally in my marriage we don't have friends of the opposite sex, not because we don't trust each other, but because you never know who is going to see the relationship as something other then what it is. You don't know that your friend isn't secretly wanting something more and you don't necessarily know if other people at the pool aren't calling his wife and telling her that from their perspective something more isn't going on. If he is deleting the texts then clearly he doesn't believe things are as innocent as you do.
My DH has what I call an "internet wife." She's one of his friends from college and she's married to someone else. She and I are friends on FB and talk like once in a blue moon, but they talk everyday. Five years ago, that would have realllly bothered me, so I can see where the wife is coming from.
But how little self-esteem does she have for her to be so concerned about her friend (who is married) running off with her husband? And maybe she needs to reevaluate if she's being that big of a B in the relationship that she needs to worry about that anyway. I mean putting a stop to texting between you two is a really snotty thing to do.
Crazy, Most of my best friends are men, and I do occasionally get texts from my husbands friends and vice versa. Often he is copied, but not always. I think it is wrong that she feels she can dictate what is appropriate behavior for you when you have done nothing wrong just because she doesn't trust her husband. I think its time for you to part ways. Sad, but how could you be friends after such and awkward issue.
She basically just insinuated that you might be the type of person to sleep with a friends husband or at a minimum behave inappropriately. So not ok.
She needs to work out the issues with her husband and you can't do that for her.
I agree--if you are as good of friends with the wife as you say, it was probably uncomfortable for her to do this in the first place but she still did--which means there was a reason for it. If there is even a sliver of the possibility that texting with other people's spouses could effect their marriage, I would do the same thing.
No doubt things were harmless as you say, but why introduce something that could potentially lead to something more inappropriate?
I agree with camrude. But untill you've walked in someones elses shoes where your husband was apparently doing something suspicious with another woman you cant really blame the wife for wanting to protect her marriage. And what you thought were innocent texts and calls can look like flirting with tempation to her. Building trust with someone can take time but can be broken in an instant after finding sexy texts or emails and since you dont know what it was that exactly happened I would just recomend that you try to just move on and forget about the whole thing and try to listen to her wishes regarding her husband.
You can be hurt for a little bit. That sucks. But keep in mind that everyone's ideas and boundaries for their relationships are very different. You sound very secure with your hubby, and she does not. And we may not always understand someone else's issues, but if she's a close friend of yours you should respect it. Especially if there were trust issues with a spouse in the past...red flags girl!! You don't want anything to do with that anyway. She's the one you had a friendship with in the first place, right?
I do think her asking for your texts is a little extreme! And her reaction to your texting other friend's H just shows how it's really an issue for her. I'm sure it took a lot for her to call you and say what she did anyway. You should have a chat with her and tell her, gently, how she has made you feel unworthy of her trust too. It's up to you and her, based on what she says, as to where your friendship will go. If you don't discuss it, you may end up with a permanent rift in your friendship.
I used the word "wrong" because that poster did, first, to make a point in my reply.
But thanks for the lesson on me "just disagreeing with her POV."
Hmm, an interesting point you make, but what is the point of continuing a marriage with no trust. At that point, you might as well get divorced and move on if you are not able to forgive and forget.
That way you wouldn't have to alienate all your friends thinking they are cheating with your husband.
Having friends of the opposite sex is fine so long as you remember you are married and not allowed break your marital vows. She either needs to learn to trust her husband or get rid of him because obviously this is not working for her.
If there are trust issues between your friend and her husband that's between them and you should respect her request, without taking it personally.
With that said, I wouldn't want my husband and friends texting each other unless they're planning a surprise party for me or discussing a gift he has questions about buying (both scenarios which have happened in the past).
All my friends have my husband's phone number and I have all their SOs numbers. A bday text is one thing, but seriously, why do you have to be making plans to go to the pool with him? Isn't SHE the one who's your friend?
I'm fair though, in the same way I don't see a need for my husband and my friends to communicate via text, I don't see a need for their SOs to communicate with me. Same goes for his friends. He has a friend who always texts me, and it makes me so uncomfortable. I've told my hubs a number of times, and he doesn't think anything of it, but that's just me. I don't see a need to interlace friendships beyond going out and having fun... no need for private communication that doesn't involve both parties of the marriage. If you're sending a group txt message that includes me, that's one thing... private messages (even if not secret) should not be part of the friendship. There is no need or purpose.
Would you want your husband hanging out at the pool w/one of your friends, without you?
As a DH myself, I'm shocked. If the wife had trust issues with her husband, the last thing I would have expected would be for her to go behind her husband's back and talk to you one-on-one. Were I her, and I just had to tell you what she did, I would have done it in front of him, so he knows what's up. (If anything, it puts him on notice, if he is untrustworthy; at the very least, it embarasses him even more to cut any shenanigans out -- with anyone -- not saying anything went on between you two.)
Okay, that aside -- were I you, I'd kindly inform her, "Okay, I hear what you are saying, and I think I understand where you're coming from. You don't trust your man. Got it. Now think of me for a minute, and try to see it from my point of view. A person I think of as a very good friend has just told me to stop texting her husband. As if _I_ did something wrong. (Pause) (Facial expression that says, "What? Like you don't realize how awkward and insulted I am feeling?!") Okay? So because we're good friends, let me whip out my time machine, and let's try this again -- except this time, try a little more "Hallmark" and a lot less "Desperate Housewives"?! If she still didn't get it, I feel sorry for her. She's so insecure that she is willing to destroy multiple friendships to give her a false sense of control and security. Just be glad you discovered this before she got closer.
My wife and I discussed insecurity and jealousy at our engagement encounter before we got married -- so we decided back then to just put everything out in the open. She can read any email/text I get, especially if it's from a female -- and I can do likewise. I think it's cute, rather than invasive (as in, "oh look, she actually thinks I'm that much of a catch that someone else would want some of this...") so I never feel like it's a violation of trust. I'd be more hurt if she felt insecure and kept it in or hidden.
So hope and pray for the both of them to work out their issues -- and to keep their drama to themselves.
Winery is a SAHM. Perhaps in their relationship, HE is the SAH parent? Or is the one who takes the child to the pool the majority of the time?
Food for thought..
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
I really cannot stop laughing at all these replies.
I don't think winery ever said, "OMG NOW I CAN'T TEXT THIS GUY WHATEVER WILL I DO!!!! I NEEEEEEEED TO TEXT HIM."
It's a big deal to her because it's hurtful. It implies that her friend thinks she has an inappropriate relationship with her husband. That's not a good feeling if you have a good friend.
Regardless, I'm sure she is fine w/ no longer texting this person and realizes it is an issue in THEIR marriage, but it would still sting for a friend to imply you are less than trustworthy yourself. Even if the issue is solely with the husband.
I am so laughing at all you freaks who only have wives contact wives and husbands contact husbands. What healthy relationships you must have if that's how you have to roll to stay above suspicion and to keep people from being upset with their spouses.
Join 2010. It's awesome. We have iPhones. And women can wear pants.
Oh, you are MORE than welcome.
a big standing ovation to The Bump for making this very entertaining thread possible.
I would not forward the texts to her and I would pretty much write both of them off. She was way out of line. Her trust issues are HER issues... not yours. I would tell her basically to "give you a call when she gets her issues sorted out"- and then maybe you all can be friends again, if you want to at that time.
There is no rule that you cannot be friends with each other; I talk to both husband and wife of friend couples frequently. I know many others who do too. The controlling and jealous wife will effectively drive all her friends away, unfortunately.
Seriously, Kap!
It's like Merry Christmas in July from the bump!