The Great Big Questions Thread

demimondaine

This is one place for all of our general questions! That way you can look back in this thread to see if your question has already been asked/answered instead of trying to search back in weekly threads that may get lost.

@BumpAdmin please sticky this thread!

demimondaine

So what are everyone's plans for announcing? Who did/will you tell first?

aztecash

The only person other than DH that knows at this point is one of DH's best friends who lives in a different state. She's been on my entire fertility journey with us and she's the only person who knows about my CP. 

Once we get a clear NIPT back (hopefully around March 24th), we'll tell DS and he will be so excited that he will tell the rest of the world. He has been talking about his baby almost daily even though we haven't told him that I'm pregnant. This weekend it was "I've never seen how tiny a baby is before" and "we can't get rid of this stroller, otherwise when the baby comes, he'll have to crawl everywhere." 

I'm thinking to announce to him, we might build a volcano together and have it erupt with either blue or pink lava. Looking for other fun ideas though. 

We announced DS by making a sign that said "Future Mouseketeer - November 2015" and taking pictures all over Disneyland. That won't be happening this time around though...

demimondaine

I'm only 4w today and have to call the OB office in about an hour for my hcg results to see if we can tell where this is going  The only person I told my last pregnancy/chemical was my BFF and she was not terribly supportive. OK, not supportive at all! So I wanted to tell my family first this time, but we have a LOT going on right now with my grandparents so I don't know when the time will be right. My grandmother is being held in the hospital until a home can take her for evaluation, so I can't even see her. 

Hopefully I have time to decide - but that PGAL brain says I don't want to be sharing bad news only again especially when things are so tough. 

Kabazaba

I told my mom and my BFF who lives across the country. No one else yet. I'm an overshare-er and external processor, but honestly have a lot of issues with my MIL and want to put off telling her, which means putting off telling everyone else. So, I'll hold out as long as I can (which, even with me wanting to wait, will probably be the minute I hit 12 weeks).

mac-n-cheesy

TW
Due to our loss last September it think I’d like to aim at week 14.
W will phone all our close relatives that we are not able to tell in person and then send out a cute note the everyone else. Then post that on FB.

kitandcat

So far I’ve told my mom and my dad & stepmom. I decided to tell them right away this time so they could experience the joy and excitement with us instead of waiting and sharing bad news. Also, my Bump group from my first pregnancy knows because they know every detail of my entire life for the last 5 years 😆 they’re the first to know everything after my husband (sometimes before my husband 🤣). And my BIL (and his wife) know because we’ve arranged for them to watch the kids for my 8 week appointment. 

With my first, we sent our parents little care packages (we lived far from everyone at the time) with a homemade card and gifts to say they were becoming grandparents and we FaceTimed while they opened them. We ordered a kids Cubs Jersey with his last name on it and then wrote the due date on baseballs to share on social media. Then with my second, we FaceTimed with our parents with our son wearing a “Big Brother” shirt and just waited for them to notice 🤣🤣 we did that with some other family in person too. Then we took a picture of my son with a big chalkboard sign I made that said I’m Going To Be a Big Brother! to share on social media. 

With my first loss, we had told the kids right at 6 weeks and then had them draw a family picture, and then we called my mom and DS showed his picture and said who everyone was, including “the baby in Momma’s belly” and then they unzipped their hoodies and had their big bro and big sis shirts on. It was so lovely and so sad now. I’ve kept the drawing but it breaks my heart. 

We didn’t tell the kids about the next baby so then didn’t have to explain another loss to them. So this time we’re waiting too. We might wait until just before we tell the rest of the world, after my 12 week US. Despite being scared of creating happy moments that will turn into sad memories later, I still want to do something special to tell them. They’ll be so happy. And eventually I’d like to surprise them with the sex of the baby with a cake or confetti or something  

I looked at ideas for sharing before my first loss but haven’t had the heart. But there were so many cute ideas. Maybe we’ll just take a picture of them in their big bro and big sis shirts with balloons or something. I know DS prefers a boy and DD prefers a girl so maybe a picture where they each have a bouquet of balloons with their wish - blue or pink 🤣 

I haven’t talked to DH yet but I assume we’ll share our news with the world around 13 weeks, after the 12 week US. And after our 8 week US we’ll probably tell our siblings and DH’s parents. Maybe he’ll want to wait longer because of our losses. I would share our whole story with the whole world honestly. I think a lot of people would be comforted by it, would reach out with similar experiences, etc. That would give me a lot of comfort and support but DH is very private and so that would be terrible for him. It’s hard my go through losses and PGAL when your partner needs entirely different things than you do. 

Anyway, I’m rambling because I’m sitting in the pick up line at school. Haha! 

Jason&Erin82507

We plan on telling our 3 daughters after we confirm a heartbeat on our 1st ultrasound (a little after 8 weeks), which will hopefully be the same week I get my sneak peak results back. I plan on surprising them with "baby themed" cupcakes with the gender color in the middle. We will probably tell everyone else after 12-13 week mark...

bcliffee1

We’ve told direct family and a few of my closest friends. We were hesitant to tell so early but I’m an over-sharer so I was struggling to keep it to myself. We won’t tell the world until after 12weeks and do something cute just us to announce the gender with DS.

aztecash

Anyone else's pets treating them differently already?

My pup loves me, but DH is definitely her favorite. This past week though, all she wants to do is cuddle with me and be near me. It's cute but kind of annoying since I have to displace her every time I have to pee. 

chindimples04

@aztecash my dogs are ALL about me. I usually sleep alone since DH works nights but recently, I’ve had guests at night every night. I’m also the chosen snuggle partner as of late. 

mrsj1215

We told our son first right after bfp(he's 2 & doesn't completely understand, but we told him he is going to be a big brother).. we FaceTimed our parents and told them.. we had our little boy show them a sign that says going to be a big brother! We let them spread the news around to the rest of the family.. besides my sister who was at my parent's when we FaceTimed! And then the next day I posted a picture on Facebook with our little boy looking down like he was reading the big brother sign. This was all a few days after my 8 week appointment where I got to see the baby & I seen the heartbeat. 

My dog is acting the same I think! He has always favored me over my husband though. We got him from the shelter & he is more skittish of men, not aggressive, but more wary like they are going to hit him😔. He isn't that way with DS or other children though. 

grangerhp37

We haven’t told anyone yet, other than my A19 bump group. My parents are visiting this weekend and we got a Big Sister shirt for my DD so we will just put that on her and see when they notice. We will visit MIL and SIL over spring break 2 weeks later and tell them in a similar way. I think we will just FT my FIL and SMIL around the same time to tell them. My sister and one brother will be around over spring break so we will hopefully tell them in person - my other siblings will have to find out over the phone.

Otherwise I’ll probably start telling close friends once we have an ultrasound. Not as eager to post on FB this time around. 

chindimples04

We have told our parents and my sisters. My coworkers know because I was relying on them for support while trying. We are planning on telling DHs siblings in a couple of weeks. Social media will be at 12-13 weeks.

noprobalo

Does doing a social media announcement save some hassle? I'm not personally big into social media announcements -- for anything -- but I'm also not sure how much appetite I have for telling individual people over...and over...and over again.

tingsmom

At this point, we have told my DH mom and brother.  My best friend and now that I had a good 9 week US, I sent my sister a wine glass from her niblings.  My parents do not know, we told them in person last time and intend to do the same thing this time. Last time we made adapted the fortune in fortune cookies to be clues that I was pregnant.  My sister and I had very specific clues and then we gave two more to my parents.  It was a lot of fun.  I expected to see them both on easter so I really need to come up with a plan. 

k_rn21

So far I have told my parents, best friend and my husbands parents. We also told our 4 year old daughter. Waiting to be a little further along before announcing to the rest of our family and friends! I do have a miscarriage from the past which is always in the back of my mind so holding off on any big announcement to the world. 

noprobalo

We're in an area with high demand for good daycares, and I have a couple tours lined up. What questions should I be asking, or what things should I look for?

aztecash

@noprobalo I'd ask about staff turnover. You don't want your kiddo having to get to know new staff every few months and high turnover tends to indicate a toxic environment. Also ask about daily scedule/routine, what kind of enrichment activities they do with the babies/kids, staff to kid ratio. If you are considering cloth diapering, make sure they are friendly to cloth diapering. Ask for references from current families at the daycare and use them. Find out if there are any incident reports. This should be available to the public, but I don't remember the website. 

vampirina

@noprobalo ask each person you come into contact with "how long have you been working here?" That will give you a MUCH better idea of staff turnover than asking the director. Also this is a sort of a tough year to gauge turnover since I know a lot of daycare have been in Flux due to covid (my kid's daycare lost a lot of staff because they were temporarily furloughed, and then the staff moved onto different careers or straight up moved out of state... previously most teachers were 5-10 year veteran teachers or longer). You should still ask this, but also it wouldn't be a hard-core deal breaker for me because of COVID changes. 

Ask what qualifications a teacher must have at your school. And what other support staff are at the school (aids, cooks, etc)

Ask how they handle challenging behavior for the older years (assuming you'll want your kid to stay for the long haul) 

Ask to tour the toddler and preschool rooms. 

Ask if they have any accreditations beyond state licensing.  

How do they determine when a child should "move up" a room?

Observe - does everything look clean and tidy? Are there any obvious hazards? Do the staff (and kids, if they are there) seem energetic and happy or tired and run down and ready for the day to be done? 

Our inspection reports are available on the state department of human services website, but itnmay be different for your state depending on who handles inspections.  But definitely check these out too. 

callmemrsbobbins

I have not told anyone because we had an early loss in October of 2020 and we told everyone right away. It was tough to give everyone the bad news so we decided to wait this time. My husband told one of his coworkers who is also going through IVF because she’s been so open about her journey. Once I hit 12-14 weeks, I’ll be quietly telling close family and friend via phone and FaceTime.

mac-n-cheese

I haven’t told anyone. My DH had told his therapist. We really want to tell family on Easter but I’ll be 11 weeks. I want to wait until 14 and that would be on April 20th, so I’m not sure what I’ll do. We will probably just tell my family because this is not my first child. We want to have my SO wear a shirt that says something obscure about being a Dad to family dinner at his dads and “casually” take off an over shirt and let everyone notice. I plan on getting my 5 y/o DD a t-shirt off Etsy that says “Finally going to be a Big Sister!” and let her read it (with help!).
I’m not really into social media announcements. We may do the following however when I can’t hide it anymore because I’m supportive of de-stigmatizing pregnancy/child loss:

aztecash

Working mamas - when did you or when do you plan to tell your work that you are pregnant?

Last year I told HR right after confirmation of heartbeat, but everything devolved from there. Right now, HR and all of the officers (including my boss) are working from home, and it seems like an awkward conversation to have over phone or email. I work for a small company, so I know my absence will be a burden. I'm debating between telling them immediately and waiting until after my next appointment in two weeks.

galentine

@aztecash, I feel strongly that women should only tell their work when they are ready to share the news. I understand if it's a small company, it might be a burden for you to take maternity leave. But it will be the same burden whether you tell them now or 2 weeks from now. The 2 weeks won't change much. I'd only tell them if you are ready to 😊

For me personally, I will tell work around 13 or 14 weeks. I want to have a good scan, hear baby's heartbeat, and see good genetic test results before I feel comfortable saying anything at work. 

mac-n-cheese

@aztecash I feel that you should do whatever you are comfortable with. I feel that as long as you are balancing your own wants and needs with the needs of the company you’ll know what’s right.
@galentine I think that’s a good idea to wait until after NIPT results too.

Long-winded; I’m sorry....bored and sick at home!

I’m currently on disability with the HG but am planning on trying to return to work on April 15th. My job has been 100% WAH since May 2020 and they actually gave up their building and there business model is only having WAH employees now. I plan on letting HR know around July or August. I work for an International company and it won’t benefit me at all to tell them early.
The company actually does NOT know I’m pregnant or why I’m on leave! I had my disability forms filled out by my regular doctor and all the ICD-10 codes were filed confidential. My leave request simply stated “confidential medical disability” and was backed up by a generic treatment letter form my doctor.
My reasoning for not telling earlier:
I won’t get FMLA (California) because I won’t meet the minimum requirement of hours in 12 months due to the HG disability. My employer is very impersonal so I will just request a leave of absence at around 38 weeks and then for 12 weeks after the baby is born. The two weeks before and 6-8 weeks after will be covered by disability and I have Aflac hospital Indemnity insurance to fill in gaps.
This is all assuming that I’m actually able to return to work with HG. Last pregnancy I was on leave at a job at 13 weeks and never went back.
Thankfully, I’m in my last class at UCSD before I can apply for a Clinical Laboratory Scientist intern license and apply to local hospital programs in September. Im also working on phlebotomy certification since that gives applicants a leg up for CLS programs.
I’m dying for a career change!

vampirina

30 weeks prior to my maternity leave is all they ask for! But I'll probably share as soon as we're out of the first tri. We don't have a good backup, so me being gone is really hard on the team. 

Edit! I mean days! 30 DAYS!

chindimples04

@aztecash I just told HR yesterday, mostly because I want to start taking my unpaid time out now so my paychecks are still livable. Last maternity leave, I took 10 weeks unpaid and my paychecks were $400 every two weeks for 7 months. It was very difficult to live on that. My bosses already know because my first pregnancy was complicated and I feared the same this time (I was right). 

noprobalo

@aztecash I'm also torn. I am supposed to have an employee evaluation soon, and I don't really want to tell them before then. But my supervisor left, and now I have a fill-in who is too busy, so I'm not sure when that's going to happen. I am going in to work, but I rarely even see anyone I work with there, so I can probably keep things under wraps for a little while longer. But I would like to get all this over with so that I can request more schedule flexibility and maybe not burn a bunch of sick leave on obgyn appointments.

grangerhp37

@aztecash I also work for a somewhere small, 10 employees total at my school. And one of my coworkers just announced she is pregnant and due early Sept, so our mat leaves may even overlap. My boss is great and I don’t think will make me feel bad about the timing, but I know it will be tough to find me a replacement. I’m not planning to tell work until after our NT scan and NIPT results. Plus I am mostly WFH so it should be easy to hide for a little while longer.

gingermama46

Anyone had shingles with pregnancy? I have it, it is awful oh my gosh, but explains why I was feeling so crappy after my vaccine, I also had this. I'm on pregnancy safe antibiotics. It's just so painful, nothing is working. I had chickepox as a baby and I guess my lowered immune system with being pregnant and then stress cause the virus to flare up.

vampirina

@gingermama46 I've never had shingles but my heart goes out to you. My best friend had it when we were younger and it just seemed awful - I can't imagine 💔.  I hope you can get some rest and its over pretty quickly for you. 

noprobalo

@gingermama46 OMG no, fortunately. Every day I learn more about the pains and indignities pregnant women suffer that are just par for the course. 😳

threes_companypu

@aztecash I’m struggling with this too. I don’t feel comfortable saying anything before 12 weeks, but I’m currently job hunting and I don’t want to come across as deceptive if I don’t tell them up front. I’m in the final round of interviews for a few places so I need to make up my mind on what I plan to do. 

threes_companypu

@cait32 That’s pretty much how I’m handling it now. Do I mention it right after the offer though? Like thanks so much btw I’m pregnant? The positions are all wfh so I feel like I have more time to keep it to myself. 

vampirina

@threes_companypu I wouldn't mention it unless you actually take the jllob. You can still ask maternity leave questions without revealing that your pregnant.  

sienna221

I know this has been talked about...but asking again because I can’t find the answers 😂. How far along were you when you did your NIPT/NIPS blood work? I’m 10w2d and already have the collection kit from my OB to take to the lab. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday when I’ll be 10w5d. I know my OB said anytime after 10w but then also said to try to wait because she had a patient go right at 10w and results came back inconclusive which caused unnecessary stress. 

noprobalo

@sienna221 My practice schedules between 11 and 14 weeks. I don't know if 2 days short would make a difference or not.

aztecash

@threes_companypu I had a similar situation. I started a job when I was 15ish weeks pregnant as a surrogate. I knew I would have a 30 day review, so I made sure I kicked ass those first 30 days, got a glowing review, and at the end of the review I brought it up. I also live in CA, so although I didn't qualify for FMLA, I was covered by CFRA so I wasn't concerned about job security or paid leave. 

@sienna221 I did my NIPT when I was measuring at 10w exactly because I was anxious. Based on ovulation, I was actually only 9w5d. This is going to be the least scientific explanation based on what I remember from my research, but here goes. Fetal blood volume (or something like that) measuring 4 or under is considered inconclusive. At 10 weeks, it should measure around 10. I went on the early side and mine measured at 5.5, low but within the normal range. If you know when you ovulated, you might want to take that into consideration. I almost waited becuase of that. 

pizzaplz

@sienna221 I had my NIPT at my last appointment, when I was about 10 1/2 weeks.

chindimples04

@sienna221 my clinic does NIPT at 10 weeks. If it’s just the general first trimester screening with NT ultrasound, it’s done between 11 weeks 6 days and 13 weeks 5 days. ETA: I had my NIPT blood work drawn yesterday at 10+1.

sienna221

@noprobalo @aztecash @pizzaplz @chindimples04 thanks all for the info! I think I’ll keep my appointment to do it at 10w5d as it sounds like it’ll be ok. I got out of right after the appointment for a week and I’m too impatient to delay it that long! Haha