@jroisback Omg, Did you make her take it down? I don’t understand why some people think that’s an okay thing to do.
My aunt showed up at the hospital out of the blue when I had DD and took a bunch of pics and put them on FB, which I had told everyone I didn’t want her pic on social media unless I okayed it. Thankfully my mom laid into her and she took it down.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
We told the families yesterday, starting with the moms since my mom was going to be coming through for a day and the MIL lives nearby. We gave them little cards that had a printout of the ultrasound, and wrote "Congratulations, your going to be a Grandma!" on them. My mom just about fell over with excitement and was crying and so so happy. We called my dad and sister as well to tell them and they had the same reaction. It was perfect and wonderful!
Then we invited ourselves over to MIL's house for tea in the afternoon so that we could give her the card. She took it pretty badly. Asked us "are you sure you're ready?" (Like no shit we have been trying for over a year and thinking about it for 8 years.) And then lectured me on the food I was eating, plus proceeded to tell me about all the quack doctor magazines she was reading about brain development and gluten and I just smiled and nodded politely. Then she asked me what baby clothes I was looking for and I mentioned swaddling cloths. "What is that? Why would you do that to a baby?" she asks me.
We had a big family dinner a few hours afterwards and me and DW cooked a huge meal of our local foods for everyone. My grandma and grandpa were super excited to have a new great grandbaby! But everyone was so excited that I allowed them to say grace (we are not a Christian household and we usually have to keep the boundaries pretty strict for MIL). Grandma passed it on to MIL to say a few words, and she thanked the lord for "preparing my body for pregnancy." WTF. Like, my fertility doctors did a great job of preparing my body for pregnancy, not god. She also didn't approve of any of the fertility drugs I had to take to regulate ovulation.
Honestly the baby is not related to MIL biologically, but I figured it would be like MFI. Instead it's shameful because we are two women, apparently our marriage is still not real in her eyes regardless of what she says out loud. So because I'm pregnant and "don't know the father" (since we used an anonymous sperm donor), the whole thing is wrong in her eyes.
Help me out, yall. I've been crying all morning, I don't know how to respond to all this. Anyone get mediocre reactions from their folks? How did you deal?
@sheepshepherdess I can't say I've been in that situation, but I feel for you. The best I can do in comparison is that my in-laws were outwardly disappointed when we told them our first would be a boy, because my H really wanted a boy and they thought he "deserved" a girl. Shitty, but not even remotely close to as shitty as your MIL.
Don't let her get to you. Some people are just bitter and intent on stealing others' happiness to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't respond to her negativity - sometimes the best recourse is to "kill them with kindness." You're having a BABY! Focus on the joy!
@sheepshepherdess I'm sorry. I don't have any good suggestions. The only thing I could think of would be to sit her down (once you have calmed down and talk to her without getting too emotional) and tell her how much that hurt you. She doesn't really sound like a woman who will change her mind but at least it will be off your chest and she knows how you feel? I'm really not sure. I'm just sorry someone put such a damper on your amazing news.
Me: 31 H: 36 L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019
@sheepshepherdess I, for one, am thrilled for you and your DW. Isn’t science fucking cool to be able to impregnate you with the full participation of your loving spouse and no random dude? Isn’t life great to get to enjoy it with a child that is wanted? Aren’t talented chefs in your household awesome?
@sheepshepherdess your MIL is something "special." I'm sorry she's treating you and DW like that. Just because the sperm donor is anonymous doesn't make this baby any less real or special. It's up to her to be a positive influence for your family, not a negative. If she chooses to be negative, then it's on her if her family chooses not to be around her. All the hugs lady.
@sheepshepherdess I hope she realizes soon what a little miracle you’ve got going on. And I hope your own mom isn’t so far away that she can’t be around often for the support you need.
@sheepshepherdess I wouldn't even respond to her. I don't think talking to her is going to make her suddenly see logic and reason. How does DW feel? Is she ok with limiting the amount of time MIL is near and a negative influence until she sees how her words are not welcome?
Thank you all, I am so heartbroken because I really thought MIL had changed some of her views these past 10 years that DW and I've been together.
@Piccola1988 Honestly I really appreciate your story. To say someone "deserves" something they don't want for any reason, especially something as emotionally charged as a new life and family member? That's just horrible. I'm really trying to focus on our joy, thank you for that reminder!
@mermaidca Thank you, the sit-down sounds like a good idea. I'm not sure I'll have any traction, might have to put DW up to it since she might be more hurt than I am. She is not someone who changes her mind, especially when confronted with emotions. Instead emotions put her in attack mode, so I try not to go there. We'll see how the next few weeks go with her, before the whole town will know.
@lyse01 Thank you so much for the positive spin on things! I love how we worked at it together. DW missed ONE scan the whole time we went through fertility treatment. We made the choice week after week to continue on this adventure for this desperately wanted child! I can't wait for all the supportive people in my life to get to meet this new person we've created. You're right, it is her loss if she can't learn to appreciate the baby (and keep her thoughts to herself).
@mrstmoose YES, what you said all the way. Something "special" indeed. Thank you for the internet hugs. I have a printout of the donors full family history, medical info, and some essays he wrote about his life goals, etc that we may share with MIL to make it feel more real for her. Not sure how that will go.
@suchagoodone I hope so too, thank you. My mom has already told us that she will be visiting during my whole pregnancy and helping us with home repairs before baby, so I'm relieved at that!
@lovelybabybumpz I think you're right. DW is going to try to have a talk with her that is not logic based, but more of an ultimatum since that's all she seems to respond to. Basically threatening that she may never be alone with the baby or child unless she shows that she can be loving instead of horrible. And if she gets too bad that we can just live separate lives. MIL moved 10 mins away about 3 years ago, and since then DW and I have talked about how we will have to limit her interactions with our child. Like, she may not tell the child that we are going to hell so it better convert us. She is not allowed to spank our child (that's not how we do things). She is not allowed to say horrible things to our child in general. Just didn't realize we would have to put so many limits on interactions with us during the pregnancy already. She had been so supportive of us and our relationship recently that I put my guard down, and now it feels like we're back to square one.
Wow folks, sorry to write so many long responses. I'm just really, really shocked about the whole thing. Feeling kind of like an idiot for not anticipating this reaction as well.
@sheepshepherdess hugs. Your rules are not unreasonable, the majority of your family is thrilled, the town will love a child to dote on. Ps I want to know the menu at your party.
@sheepshepherdess I'm so sorry you and your wife are going through this when you should just be able to enjoy this happy moment. If I were you (and this is probably easier to say for you than your wife), I'd try to focus as much as possible on how joyous your own family was. Your LO is going to get so much love from them! Do you want it from both sides? Of course. Is there work to be done with your wife's family? Heck yes. But it's good that you have your family to boost you up while you move forward!
@lyse01 Honestly I always wish I could share my food with everyone here! I roasted a nice 5lb chicken that we raised this year (with olive oil, real celery, parsley, garlic, ancho chili, white wine, bay leaves, yum). Then roasted up local acorn squash, butternut squash, turnips, and radishes in the oven. Also had a beet salad with my beets, orange pieces, goat cheese, and toasted walnuts. And a nice green salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, and herbs from our friends and MIL's gardens. I made a lot of each dish to make sure there were leftovers! And DW has been making ice cream, so she served her coffee ice cream for dessert (which doesn't taste as awesome now that I'm pregnant, but it's awesome). Just pretend I can pass you that meal through the internet.
@ashtuesday You are so right! I've got to try and remember this huge outpouring I'm getting from my folks. My mom is telling everyone and they are all very, very excited and supportive!
Thanks all, I'm getting a bit calmer about all this. DW is having a friendly sit down with MIL as we speak, so we'll see if we can figure out why she's having this reaction.
Did want to update that we had some very emotional talks today, and she had not realized she had been a horrible b**** with her reaction or overstepping her bounds. We'll have to work on it constantly. BUT she did reaffirm her commitment to us as a family, called the fertility drugs a "miracle," and generally said she'd try to do better communicating her emotions. Turns out she let her fear just control her entire response. I don't believe it 100%, but I'm trying to be nice.
In other news, to those who I might have scared off telling family with this story, I will say that my entire extended family now knows and they are all thrilled to say the least. So good bet that folks will be happy, in general!
@sheepshepherdess as a quick side note. I’m a Christian and while I probably don’t practice my faith at all like your MIL I do see her prayer a bit differently than you too.
id say the translation of it is more “I’m so excited and thankful everything came together to create this new baby... yay.... gush.... eek!!”
And less
“everyone must recognize that this is all on God and nothing you did or the drs did helped you experience a pregnancy”
That being said, I’m glad you had a good conversation with her about your comfort and boundaries and hope that she finds ways to encourage you as you are and how you feel encouraged.
I just told my brother. He is in the process of planning a wedding and wanted to run specifics by me before locking down - for April 20, and I'm due the 18th! He was excited and surprised, but I just want to cry. I HATE telling before second tri. And I really don't want his wedding to be about me in any way. At the same time, we are really close and I know I would've been devastated if it were impossible for him to come to my wedding. It felt wrong to not give him all the information. But still. Waaaah!
@ashtuesday my BIL planned their wedding for 2 weeks after DD was born. She was born a week early but it was still rough getting to the wedding. I didn't say anything because their wedding was/is a big deal and I knew I would just make it work (DH was obviously the best man so I man handled everything on my own). Hopefully they can push it back a week or two so you aren't cutting it too close, but know that regardless of when it is, it will all work out and you will be a hot mess!
@sheepshepherdess Well, if she actually came on her due date, I'd still be in the hospital lol, so it does feel close! My daughter came a month early so I know a due date isn't the most reliable thing. I don't expect them to change their plans, but I know if the roles were reversed, I'd want to know so I could make an informed decision.
@mrstmoose Hot mess status is always unavoidable already - I embrace it at this point!
The ridiculous thing is that after the fact, I realized 4/20 is the night before Easter. A lot of our family would've backed out for that reason alone (his wedding requires travel & hotel stay, our cousins with kids probably wouldn't want that for Easter morning). If I pointed that out first, he 100% would have picked a different date and the babe could've stayed a secret. 😑
@ashtuesday I just realized that Easter is the day before my due date too! My daughter was born Dec 20 so we will have a Christmas and an Easter baby. (Thankfully Easter moves around a lot)
@ashtuesday ugh that sucks, but at least it's just your brother if you had to tell someone before you were totally comfortable with it. I'm really bummed I'm almost 100% going to miss a very good friend's wedding on 4/26 since I'm due the 24th, but you can't miss your brother's!
@kbirchtree I'll have a Christmas and Easter baby too (12/19 and tentatively 4/24) - I agree I'm grateful Easter is all over March and April!
I’m almost 15 weeks and kinda thinking it’s time to tell our families officially. Pretty sure MIL knows but isn’t saying anything because we haven’t told her per se (it’s hard to hide when living in the same house, and I respect her for not inserting herself prematurely). We totally missed an opportunity to tell my mom at lunch yesterday because we were totally uncoordinated leading up to lunch.
I’m liking the lack of fuss. I also want to be fussed over and get the party that DD’s early arrival cheated me out of. We should probably come to some sort of conclusion...
We finally spilled the beans this weekend. My mom was as excited as I expected, my sister said “holy fuck fuck.” We gave my dad a bottle of 12 year single malt scotch to soften the blow, and seemed like he was cautiously okay with it but jokingly called us stupid for doing this again. Honestly it went better then I thought. DH also told his parents this weekend, his dad was super excited and happy. His mom barely reacted, which is no surprise if you’ve been ready the my crazy family thread. One of his sisters was with her and was super happy for us though.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
We’ve told most of the close folks to us/work people/church people and now we are going to get some pics done by my sister to announce online/we haven’t had good family pics for a while. Hoping to get some cute shots announcing and then a few just being a family have to figure out what we will all wear by Wednesday.... and find my chalk.
Took some shots of our little ones with this book! Got the templates for the cover online, and it worked really well. Bummed I didn’t move the shoebox in the background before taking the pic, but it was a hit!
does anyone else feel weird telling people. Like I am ok telling my close work friends but it feels awkward bringing it up. like "guess what I am having a baby". Part of me just really hates the "sqee" I am not a sqee person. My mom was so excited and asked me a million question that I really hate answering. do you think its a boy or girl, how do you feel, what are your name plans, etc. I am a closed off person and I really hate this.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@kosmo86 I'm with you.. I want to announce half the time.. I can't decide how to because announcements are so staged and I love everybody else's but they just don't feel like me at all. I don't want to feel awkward, but it just feels so private to me, and I know a lot of people who didn't announce because they weren't happy about the news, so I feel bad not wanting to but idkk... debated just waiting for christmas pics and show up with a bump, we'll see. The squee I can handle is selective, I didn't mind at all when BF cried when I told him.
@kosmo86 I don't know how to tell work people either. I know I need to tell at least my team because I will be out a lot but it just feels odd to be like "Oh hey, I'm growing humans!"
@kaleesi93 we never did a real "announcement" on FB or anything with DS - just never really felt comfortable doing it.
@kosmo86 I prefer the raging excitement and "squees" to all the questions right off the bat for sure! And I'd rather know folks were excited than have them be unenthused and feel that they would isolate me after the birth.
@MRDCle that makes me feel better.. I mostly just want to share cute baby things on instagram stories lol maybe that will be my announcement in the end
@kosmo86 I'm with you - so not a "squee" person! At 11.5 weeks I finally texted my parents to tell them this weekend, and they live 10 minutes away and are at my house multiple times a week. It feels awkward and personal, like oh hey, we were doing it and made a baby, yay for us! Plus I live in fear that H is going to be like "yes and it wasn't really planned" and then I will turn raspberry red and run away.
Yeah, I've been debating whether or not I want to make an "official" post on facebook and I think I've decided that I'm not going to. I LOVE seeing other people's posts, but I very rarely put anything on Facebook, so I don't feel like it's me. But it is really weird just randomly telling people, which is what I've started to do since I'm out of the first trimester. It's like, hey, how's it going? Guess what, I'm pregnant. Lol. But I also want certain people to know so they're not upset I didn't tell them. Such a process!
@kosmo86 I'm also generally not a fan of telling people. With my first pregnancy, I remember feeling like my husband and I would be losing something when we told - we had this beautiful thing that was just OURS for a little while, and as soon as everyone else knew, it'd become all about them in a way. I don't feel that way now, but it is still weird. I'm a squee-er myself for other people, so I don't mind that, but being pregnant is just a weirdly intimate thing for people to gush over. We were planning on telling our families this coming weekend, but we won't have my NIPT results - including the baby's sex - until next Friday. Part of me wants to wait an extra week so that we can just tell about our pregnancy and the sex all at once!
We had our family Thanksgiving dinners this last weekend, and both of them are buffet style, so DH made out that we forgot a dish and ran back in with a big pot while everyone was waiting. He got his sister & my grandma to open the lid and out popped a baby balloon with a copy of the ultrasound tied to the bottom. Everyone is pretty stoked since there are not many prospects at babies from our other siblings/cousins for a while yet. My favorite part was my big bro had the same look of fear and disgust as when we announced DD, haha.
We plan to put something on Facebook to tell the rest of our friends/family.
Re: Have any of you told everyone about being pregnant? And if not how do you plan to?
My aunt showed up at the hospital out of the blue when I had DD and took a bunch of pics and put them on FB, which I had told everyone I didn’t want her pic on social media unless I okayed it. Thankfully my mom laid into her and she took it down.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
I'm now gradually telling all of my family and friends, because I want to make sure they hear it from me first.
We told the families yesterday, starting with the moms since my mom was going to be coming through for a day and the MIL lives nearby. We gave them little cards that had a printout of the ultrasound, and wrote "Congratulations, your going to be a Grandma!" on them. My mom just about fell over with excitement and was crying and so so happy. We called my dad and sister as well to tell them and they had the same reaction. It was perfect and wonderful!
Then we invited ourselves over to MIL's house for tea in the afternoon so that we could give her the card. She took it pretty badly. Asked us "are you sure you're ready?" (Like no shit we have been trying for over a year and thinking about it for 8 years.) And then lectured me on the food I was eating, plus proceeded to tell me about all the quack doctor magazines she was reading about brain development and gluten and I just smiled and nodded politely. Then she asked me what baby clothes I was looking for and I mentioned swaddling cloths. "What is that? Why would you do that to a baby?" she asks me.
We had a big family dinner a few hours afterwards and me and DW cooked a huge meal of our local foods for everyone. My grandma and grandpa were super excited to have a new great grandbaby! But everyone was so excited that I allowed them to say grace (we are not a Christian household and we usually have to keep the boundaries pretty strict for MIL). Grandma passed it on to MIL to say a few words, and she thanked the lord for "preparing my body for pregnancy." WTF. Like, my fertility doctors did a great job of preparing my body for pregnancy, not god. She also didn't approve of any of the fertility drugs I had to take to regulate ovulation.
Honestly the baby is not related to MIL biologically, but I figured it would be like MFI. Instead it's shameful because we are two women, apparently our marriage is still not real in her eyes regardless of what she says out loud. So because I'm pregnant and "don't know the father" (since we used an anonymous sperm donor), the whole thing is wrong in her eyes.
Help me out, yall. I've been crying all morning, I don't know how to respond to all this. Anyone get mediocre reactions from their folks? How did you deal?
Don't let her get to you. Some people are just bitter and intent on stealing others' happiness to make themselves feel better. I wouldn't respond to her negativity - sometimes the best recourse is to "kill them with kindness." You're having a BABY! Focus on the joy!
H: 36
L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay
BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019
If MIL doesn’t get it, her loss.
I wouldn't even respond to her. I don't think talking to her is going to make her suddenly see logic and reason. How does DW feel? Is she ok with limiting the amount of time MIL is near and a negative influence until she sees how her words are not welcome?
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
@Piccola1988 Honestly I really appreciate your story. To say someone "deserves" something they don't want for any reason, especially something as emotionally charged as a new life and family member? That's just horrible. I'm really trying to focus on our joy, thank you for that reminder!
@mermaidca Thank you, the sit-down sounds like a good idea. I'm not sure I'll have any traction, might have to put DW up to it since she might be more hurt than I am. She is not someone who changes her mind, especially when confronted with emotions. Instead emotions put her in attack mode, so I try not to go there. We'll see how the next few weeks go with her, before the whole town will know.
@lyse01 Thank you so much for the positive spin on things! I love how we worked at it together. DW missed ONE scan the whole time we went through fertility treatment. We made the choice week after week to continue on this adventure for this desperately wanted child! I can't wait for all the supportive people in my life to get to meet this new person we've created. You're right, it is her loss if she can't learn to appreciate the baby (and keep her thoughts to herself).
@mrstmoose YES, what you said all the way. Something "special" indeed. Thank you for the internet hugs. I have a printout of the donors full family history, medical info, and some essays he wrote about his life goals, etc that we may share with MIL to make it feel more real for her. Not sure how that will go.
@suchagoodone I hope so too, thank you. My mom has already told us that she will be visiting during my whole pregnancy and helping us with home repairs before baby, so I'm relieved at that!
@lovelybabybumpz I think you're right. DW is going to try to have a talk with her that is not logic based, but more of an ultimatum since that's all she seems to respond to. Basically threatening that she may never be alone with the baby or child unless she shows that she can be loving instead of horrible. And if she gets too bad that we can just live separate lives. MIL moved 10 mins away about 3 years ago, and since then DW and I have talked about how we will have to limit her interactions with our child. Like, she may not tell the child that we are going to hell so it better convert us. She is not allowed to spank our child (that's not how we do things). She is not allowed to say horrible things to our child in general. Just didn't realize we would have to put so many limits on interactions with us during the pregnancy already. She had been so supportive of us and our relationship recently that I put my guard down, and now it feels like we're back to square one.
Wow folks, sorry to write so many long responses. I'm just really, really shocked about the whole thing. Feeling kind of like an idiot for not anticipating this reaction as well.
Ps I want to know the menu at your party.
@ashtuesday You are so right! I've got to try and remember this huge outpouring I'm getting from my folks. My mom is telling everyone and they are all very, very excited and supportive!
Thanks all, I'm getting a bit calmer about all this. DW is having a friendly sit down with MIL as we speak, so we'll see if we can figure out why she's having this reaction.
I roasted some beets on Friday and they never even got into a salad. Oops.
Everyone's welcome to road trip over here
In other news, to those who I might have scared off telling family with this story, I will say that my entire extended family now knows and they are all thrilled to say the least. So good bet that folks will be happy, in general!
id say the translation of it is more “I’m so excited and thankful everything came together to create this new baby... yay.... gush.... eek!!”
And less
“everyone must recognize that this is all on God and nothing you did or the drs did helped you experience a pregnancy”
That being said, I’m glad you had a good conversation with her about your comfort and boundaries and hope that she finds ways to encourage you as you are and how you feel encouraged.
@mrstmoose Hot mess status is always unavoidable already - I embrace it at this point!
The ridiculous thing is that after the fact, I realized 4/20 is the night before Easter. A lot of our family would've backed out for that reason alone (his wedding requires travel & hotel stay, our cousins with kids probably wouldn't want that for Easter morning). If I pointed that out first, he 100% would have picked a different date and the babe could've stayed a secret. 😑
@kbirchtree I'll have a Christmas and Easter baby too (12/19 and tentatively 4/24) - I agree I'm grateful Easter is all over March and April!
must be in sync
I’m liking the lack of fuss. I also want to be fussed over and get the party that DD’s early arrival cheated me out of. We should probably come to some sort of conclusion...
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
Took some shots of our little ones with this book! Got the templates for the cover online, and it worked really well. Bummed I didn’t move the shoebox in the background before taking the pic, but it was a hit!
does anyone else feel weird telling people. Like I am ok telling my close work friends but it feels awkward bringing it up. like "guess what I am having a baby". Part of me just really hates the "sqee" I am not a sqee person. My mom was so excited and asked me a million question that I really hate answering.
do you think its a boy or girl, how do you feel, what are your name plans, etc. I am a closed off person and I really hate this.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
The squee I can handle is selective, I didn't mind at all when BF cried when I told him.
@kaleesi93 we never did a real "announcement" on FB or anything with DS - just never really felt comfortable doing it.
We announced last week after a good 12 week appointment. Super nerds.
We plan to put something on Facebook to tell the rest of our friends/family.