@marcus7676 I told DH last night that I would give in and move to ca (temporarily) if he would agree to therapy. He said okay and then was like, “wait, do you not want to go..?” I’ve been very clear that I think this is a bad idea. So he says if the choice is between him being miserable or me being miserable, he chooses him being miserable. But I’m not the one crying myself to sleep every night so I don’t know, now we’re in a standstill of who wants the other to not be miserable. It becomes a non issue on Thursday evening though because that’s the deadline for telling his firm if we’re 100% going. Huuuge eye roll from me. Sigh.
I just need to shout out with excitement that yesterday at my 24 week ultrasound my placenta had dramatically moved and I no longer have previa!!! They removed all restrictions which made me so excited lol since today is Valentines!! Also she did a 4D for me so I have super cute squishy baby ultrasound (or at least I think it’s cute lol.) photo in spoiler.
@doxiemoxie212 That is such a tough decision. The deadline is good and bad bc it feels like pressure, but at least you will have decision made. Sending positive vibes your way.
Definitely random for sure, but I'm just making sure I'm not losing it... Or that my bump app isn't haywire but are there a couple of you that changed user names? In particular, @lisa2589 went to@l2589 and is now @2589. I just want to make sure your whole user name doesn't disappear entirely lol! Also, @harveyabbey77 is now showing @aharv77?
@catlady1215 February is zoooooming! It's a little too fast IMO. I need some time to breathe. Maybe January was too slow, and February was too fast, and March will be juuuust right?
Yes @stephcat421 sorry I mentioned it on Randoms when I first changed it because I didn’t want my first name all over the place anymore. I tried to change to capital L2589 but every time I hit save it reverted to lowercase l2589. Then I was getting tags as i2589 because it looks so similar, so I decided to ditch the l altogether. Sorry. I promise I’m not trying to be a creep.
Guys, the name changes aren’t happening because there’s a creeper on this board, right?!
I have also been nonexistent this week because of work, but just wanted to say happy Valentine’s Day. Tonight my H and I are going to have a very romantic dinner of quesadillas.
Me: 34 Husband: 35 Married: June 2007
Son Max born 1/10/17 BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
@MoonOverGoldsboro no! It’s nothing on this board. Just something a mom I know told me about an experience they had with social media forums (although hers was even less anonymous than TB), made me think about being more cautious. I don’t want you guys to worry. Feel free to PM me if you have more questions.
@katie121209 yay! My ultrasound is in 3 weeks and I'm waiting to find out if my placenta moved!
@doxiemoxie212 would he agree to therapy? I feel like the decision of who is going to be miserable shouldn't be the determinative factor because those newborn months are pretty freaking miserable for everyone (or perhaps, just for me :-)). I don't want either of you to be miserable! I hope you are able to reach a collective decision in the next 48 hours.
Am I the only one not doing anything for Valentine's day today? I mean, I plan to stop on my lunch break or after work and pick up a card for DH, but we're not doing a fancy dinner or any other gifts. Gifts aren't really our thing. Wednesday nights are our busiest nights as we have music practice at church after work and it's almost always takeout or pizza night for us and the kids. Throw in Ash Wednesday this year and you can kiss Valentine's Day goodbye.
First Son - born 2013
Second Son - born 2014 - Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Double Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV). First open heart surgery at 5 days old. He's had 3 open heart surgeries and several other procedures and is currently doing amazing. Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@doxiemoxie212 Would you be miserable just because of the transition and logistics or just living in California in general? I think all of the details would work themselves out if you choose to go to Cali. TBH it kind of sounds like his mental health would be worse staying in NYC than yours would be going to Cali.
Peanut butter is life in our house because of the dog. She gets a Kong with PB every morning when she goes into her kennel. We have one jar of PB for us and one jar for the dog with her name on it. But it stays in the pantry with all the other food. Honestly though it might be easier to keep it with her kennel but we will still have to walk back and forth to the kitchen to get a knife.
AFM...we officially have a child care provider!
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
@becca_123 on FB so obviously a much more local and public mom group, someone in the group worked in the children’s clinic and had told her pediatrician some things she had shared about her kids in that group. Obviously unethical and was addressed, but still gives me the heebies. Sorry to worry you ladies! Decided to share in case anyone else needed a dose of feeling as naive as I did.
mytinc - you're not alone- we don't really do much for V-day. I got a card last night and some candy. Got some stickers and a book for DD1.
@doxiemoxie212- agreed with others that one of you shouldn't be miserable. I don't think it is fair that he is playing the martyr card. That won't solve any long term problems and usually just ends up with the other party feeling guilty or still miserable because their partner is miserable. As someone else said, the newborn days are HARD, really really hard and having a clear head is the best thing you can do to prepare. Marriage is a team sport- there has to be some middle ground that both parties are happy with. Saying I'll be miserable so you aren't is very one sided (although seemingly with the best intentions for you- just seems like the long term outlook/judgment is clouded at the moment).
@marcus7676 he did say he would go to therapy in CA -- like, he'd actually do the research himself, call the drs, make appts himself. @krashke I wouldn't be miserable in CA. I like CA. I'm from CA. But I think it's a bad idea. So I guess it's not really who will be miserable even -- I personally think he's going to be miserable anywhere until we get him into therapy -- but more... who gets to be right? I think he knows that moving to CA temporarily to live with my mother for four months is a bad idea financially, and he only wants to do it if we both ignore that, but since he realizes I am basically saying if we do this, the repercussions are your fault, he doesn't want to be responsible for it. I would be all for CA if I felt confident that he would actually be happier in CA, but he never is when we go out there. He gets annoyed with my mom, annoyed with me fighting with my mom, annoyed we have to drive everywhere, annoyed by traffic, etc. I honestly have no idea why he thinks CA would be SO much better in this temporary scenario (I understand why it would be if he were to go to a better firm, etc., and we could get a bigger house with a yard); I've asked him a million times, and he can't really explain it. I think it's arbitrary.
I mean, IDK, maybe I'm being unreasonable? Maybe it's not SUCH a bad idea? What do you guys think (in spoiler):
Very nice hospital in CA, 30 min drive from my mom's, easy to switch to the OB/midwife practice, private rooms, etc. (currently in a situation with only OBs, shared recovery rooms, NYC hospitals are chaotic, but I like my OB, and it's 2 blocks away)
Would cost $6-7k more over the course of 4 months than staying in NYC would (we can't sublet our apt here in NYC for less than 6 months because of building rules; extra expenses to go out temporarily would include a car, car insurance, $$ to install internet in this weird separate building on my mom's property for DH to work from, flights, $$ to install A/C units, basic furniture since "my" room at my mom's only has a queen mattress on the floor and that won't fly when I'm super pregnant/potentially have a c-section, etc)
Only two friends in the bay area, both of whom are an hour drive away (but will we really see any friends much those first few months? probably not)
...we'd be living with my mother, whom I love, but she and I fight like cats and dogs for a variety of reasons
Mom's house is on the down slope of a hill, so there are about 50 stairs outside to get from the house to the cars/street (seems challenging when super pregnant or after a c-section? but my mom had me in this house so...? feasible?)
Small house: 2 bedrooms 1 bathroom (same as our apt in NYC) so we're not gaining any breathing room, but she does have an acre yard, so that's nice...
Mom would stay with us in NYC if we don't go out to CA, so her help is there either way, though DH's parents live 10 min away here in NYC, so we'd be losing that in CA
DH would be at the same firm, working with the same partners he hates, but he'd be working remotely from my mom's -- I can't imagine this will change his mood much
Would have to buy a bunch of baby stuff in CA that we wouldn't actually need in NYC (car seat, etc.) and deal with transporting everything back or rebuying everything upon return (not factored into the $6-7k above)
@kmurdock925 yeah, the problem here is that both scenarios are genuinely bad. There's no good solution here (see above for more details), so my hope was that we could both just agree that NYC is sucky in the short term but we can deal with anything for a few more months, and we'll be in a better place to move to CA for real in the fall. I think his depression/anxiety have just progressed to a point that that feels overwhelming, and he isn't seeing clearly. Or maybe he is, and he's pretend playing the martyr card because he doesn't want to admit I'm right. Who knows.
And PSA to all this Valentine's Day: if you are the super emotional one in your relationship, give your logical S/O a big hug because sometimes dealing with emotions is exhausting for us! lol
@doxiemoxie212 From a black/white perspective of your list, your cons seem to significantly outweigh the pros in moving temporarily to California, and if you added the stress of moving during late pregnancy into that it would (in my opinion) make staying where you are more favorable. Of course, the hardships that your DH is going through holds a lot of weight and I think professional help would assist with that, moreso than the location. As for the hospital choice... that's difficult because I know the shared room situation would bother me. It's a tough dilemma, I'm sorry it's not easy for you
@mytinc Valentine's Day has a whole new meaning for us. 2 years ago on this day, my cousin, who was more like my brother and grew up living with us, took his own life. We do get each other gifts and a card but it becomes more of a day of "I'm here for you" We do tend to give into some of the moosh of the holiday, just to shift some of the focus from bad to good. Sorry to start it off on such a downer type post. Actually doing ok today, considering the hormones and how much I so badly wish my baby could have got to know him. Overall, holding it together, though.
@doxiemoxie212 that's such a tough decision. On one hand, I feel like you already know the answer, yet maybe feel like how will you really know if you don't try the change. Sorry girl, that's a tough spot. FX for you.
@katie121209 wonderful news! That's quite a relief!
@mytinc we are not doing anything for Valentines Day either. MH has had a stomach bug for over a week and yesterday DD went back to the doctor and is now on antibiotics for an ear infection, sinus infection and has antibiotic ointment for her horrific diaper rash (big thanks for everyone one the weekend random board that suggested Calmseptine). DD slept for maybe 5 hours so I slept for maybe 3. I'm planning on making pancakes for dinner and going to bed when DD does.
We were going to go out to dinner Saturday for combo valentines day and my birthday (which is next week). DH's parents are coming to stay for the night. I told him to cancel the reservation today. He's still not 100% and is just on the BRATS diet. My in laws haven't been around since Xmas, and DD is so sick and is getting super clingy with me (even with people she sees everyday) so I just don't want to leave her with them. Plus- between being sick for over a month, the lack of sleep and hormones I've been such a hot mess. I am crying all the time and am getting very resentful towards DH- not exactly good for a romantic night out. Maybe next year we will have a bigger celebration to make up for this year.
@amys614 I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. ((hugs))
@doxiemoxie212 Looking at your list, I think you have to prioritize what is most important to you. One that stuck out for me is that your closest friends would be over an hour away. I know, personally, I couldn't handle that kind of isolation - I need my tribe. YH reminds me a lot of myself when I was a little younger. I used to blame a lot of my unhappiness on my location. It turns out, I carried that weight with me to every city I moved to. I know he isn't keen to do it, but from my personal experience therapy could help so, so much. It wasn't until I found mine that I was finally able to find peace and realize that moving wasn't a solution to the problem.
@LaceyBee522 preach girl -- that's exactly how I feel. Moving for a better job or opportunity or whatever is wonderful and great, but I fail to see how moving will improve anything if everything else stays the same/gets worse lol. Sigh.
@amys614 I'm sorry for your loss. I was raised by my aunt and have since referred to my cousins as siblings, for all intents and purposes. I am glad to hear that your SO is supportive. Sending you creepy internet hugs.
@doxiemoxie212 I read through your list and honestly, the only reason to go (aside from the hospital room) is because your H thinks it will be better. But if each trip out there already causes him frustrations, having a newborn is only going to exacerbate it. I couldn't stand to have my MIL in the house for 10 days, never mind living in her house for 4 months. You won't see friends, but having people drop off food is a lifesaver. Yes, you'll have help from your mom, but a 2 bedroom, 1 bath space is small and the baby will keep all three adults awake and cranky. Financially, it simply doesn't make sense.
I know therapy is a huge issue for both you and your H - your desire for him to go and his recent agreement to go in California. But, what if that doesn't help? Then the reason to be there isn't there anymore.
I don't think it's fair for him to say, well, I'll be the miserable one and just stay, because he's going to place the blame on you when he's tired, frustrated, upset post-baby and compare it to what could have been in California. That's simply not right. As someone else said, this needs to be a joint decision and it has to be what is right for both of you.
We can all offer our opinions (which I've done), but you know yourself and your H the best. I just don't want you to end up in a situation where you agree to go and it doesn't get better (i.e., therapy doesn't work, your mom drives your H crazy, you are stuck at the house and frustrated) because you don't need added frustrations to those newborn days.
@marcus7676 you summarized my feelings on it exactly. Like, I'd basically be agreeing to go to CA just so I could look back and say, "told you so," (even if I wouldn't actually say that out loud). Which is as wrong of me as him saying he'll stay in NYC and be miserable is of him. There's no good solution here, just lessers of two evils unfortunately.
trying to catch up: @mytinc We're not doing anything either. DH fasts on wednesdays anyway, so he bought me a Ramen Dinner, and i'll eat that with DD haha. His bday, and our church wedding anny is tomorrow, so that out weighs it every year. Pizza sounds delicious though. @doxiemoxie212 No advice here other than whats been said, but I just wanna say i'm sending good vibes your way in hopes everything works out @krashke Yay! for finding childcare!! Thats huge!! @amys614 Hugs @jsl82 Sorry you had to cancel dinner Saturday. Hopefully next year you can really do it up!
Me: 28 | Husband: 39 Married March 2016 DD: born 7.22.16 DS EDD: 6.23.18
@doxiemoxie212 after reading your list, I don't see the good reasons to relocate all the way across the country. The only big plus i see is cause of the hospital room. I wish he didn't need to give his work a decision this wk. cause maybe if he'd agree to therapy before going, it would help him with that decision.and seeing why he feels that would make anything better for him.
me:35 DH:34 DS: born oct 2012 TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16 BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17 BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18 fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
@doxiemoxie212 - I thought of a few other points...I've been through the stress of work unhappiness with DH and just recently we reached peace and closure and let me tell you- the sense of relief is astounding, so I feel you. It all sounds oh so familiar.
-as appealing as the CA hospital situation sounds compared to NYC...this seems to be the biggest selling point right now. Your stay in the hospital will be 2-4 DAYS...it will be a blur. Your entire stay in CA will be what, 4 months? While, yes, a private room would obviously be preferred people in NYC make it through with shared rooms every day. 4 months in CA with 2-4 days of a private room and sharing a house/space 100% of the time with your mom or 2-4 days of shared space in the hospital but an infinite amount of private space at your home. Just food for thought.
I feel like moving seems like the new shiny thing but doesn't fix any problems (seems like you feel the same). Materialistic/tangible things seldom, if ever, fix emotional/personal/non-tangible issues.
Hoping you guys can come to peace with a decision. Stress like this isn't what you want to be worried about while preggers.
I just want to say thanks to all of you. Just hearing you all agree with me is validating lol. The only stressful part of this has been this feeling that I’m not looking at it right or I’m not being resourceful enough to find a way to make this thing DH wants work. But it doesn’t work because it’s a bad idea.
@doxiemoxie212 Even if you could get it to work out, if it's a bad idea it doesn't matter. Hopefully everything gets figured out. Have you had your H thinking about therapy regardless whether you move?
It's Valentine's Day and I just bought new bras. You would think they would be something lacy and sexy to seduce MH later...nope black and nude full coverage wide band 34DDD nursing bras.
*TW LC*
Me & MH: 32 DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU) TTC #2: 12/2019 Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
Re: Weekly Randoms (week of 2/12)
Married March 2016
DD: born 7.22.16
DS EDD: 6.23.18
@doxiemoxie212 That is such a tough decision. The deadline is good and bad bc it feels like pressure, but at least you will have decision made. Sending positive vibes your way.
DS: born oct 2012
TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16
BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17
BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18
fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
Sorry. I promise I’m not trying to be a creep.
I have also been nonexistent this week because of work, but just wanted to say happy Valentine’s Day. Tonight my H and I are going to have a very romantic dinner of quesadillas.
Husband: 35
Married: June 2007
Son Max born 1/10/17
BFP #2: 10/5/17; EDD: 6/11/18
@doxiemoxie212 would he agree to therapy? I feel like the decision of who is going to be miserable shouldn't be the determinative factor because those newborn months are pretty freaking miserable for everyone (or perhaps, just for me :-)). I don't want either of you to be miserable! I hope you are able to reach a collective decision in the next 48 hours.
First Son - born 2013
Third Son - due June 9, 2018
@doxiemoxie212 Would you be miserable just because of the transition and logistics or just living in California in general? I think all of the details would work themselves out if you choose to go to Cali. TBH it kind of sounds like his mental health would be worse staying in NYC than yours would be going to Cali.
Peanut butter is life in our house because of the dog. She gets a Kong with PB every morning when she goes into her kennel. We have one jar of PB for us and one jar for the dog with her name on it. But it stays in the pantry with all the other food. Honestly though it might be easier to keep it with her kennel but we will still have to walk back and forth to the kitchen to get a knife.
AFM...we officially have a child care provider!
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
mytinc - you're not alone- we don't really do much for V-day. I got a card last night and some candy. Got some stickers and a book for DD1.
@doxiemoxie212- agreed with others that one of you shouldn't be miserable. I don't think it is fair that he is playing the martyr card. That won't solve any long term problems and usually just ends up with the other party feeling guilty or still miserable because their partner is miserable. As someone else said, the newborn days are HARD, really really hard and having a clear head is the best thing you can do to prepare. Marriage is a team sport- there has to be some middle ground that both parties are happy with. Saying I'll be miserable so you aren't is very one sided (although seemingly with the best intentions for you- just seems like the long term outlook/judgment is clouded at the moment).
I mean, IDK, maybe I'm being unreasonable? Maybe it's not SUCH a bad idea? What do you guys think (in spoiler):
And PSA to all this Valentine's Day: if you are the super emotional one in your relationship, give your logical S/O a big hug because sometimes dealing with emotions is exhausting for us! lol
@doxiemoxie212 that's such a tough decision. On one hand, I feel like you already know the answer, yet maybe feel like how will you really know if you don't try the change. Sorry girl, that's a tough spot. FX for you.
@katie121209 wonderful news! That's quite a relief!
We were going to go out to dinner Saturday for combo valentines day and my birthday (which is next week). DH's parents are coming to stay for the night. I told him to cancel the reservation today. He's still not 100% and is just on the BRATS diet. My in laws haven't been around since Xmas, and DD is so sick and is getting super clingy with me (even with people she sees everyday) so I just don't want to leave her with them. Plus- between being sick for over a month, the lack of sleep and hormones I've been such a hot mess. I am crying all the time and am getting very resentful towards DH- not exactly good for a romantic night out. Maybe next year we will have a bigger celebration to make up for this year.
BFP#4- 9/26 edd 6/5/18
@doxiemoxie212 Looking at your list, I think you have to prioritize what is most important to you. One that stuck out for me is that your closest friends would be over an hour away. I know, personally, I couldn't handle that kind of isolation - I need my tribe. YH reminds me a lot of myself when I was a little younger. I used to blame a lot of my unhappiness on my location. It turns out, I carried that weight with me to every city I moved to. I know he isn't keen to do it, but from my personal experience therapy could help so, so much. It wasn't until I found mine that I was finally able to find peace and realize that moving wasn't a solution to the problem.
Sending you creepy internet hugs.
I know therapy is a huge issue for both you and your H - your desire for him to go and his recent agreement to go in California. But, what if that doesn't help? Then the reason to be there isn't there anymore.
I don't think it's fair for him to say, well, I'll be the miserable one and just stay, because he's going to place the blame on you when he's tired, frustrated, upset post-baby and compare it to what could have been in California. That's simply not right. As someone else said, this needs to be a joint decision and it has to be what is right for both of you.
We can all offer our opinions (which I've done), but you know yourself and your H the best. I just don't want you to end up in a situation where you agree to go and it doesn't get better (i.e., therapy doesn't work, your mom drives your H crazy, you are stuck at the house and frustrated) because you don't need added frustrations to those newborn days.
So many hugs, this is a tough tough de
@mytinc We're not doing anything either. DH fasts on wednesdays anyway, so he bought me a Ramen Dinner, and i'll eat that with DD haha. His bday, and our church wedding anny is tomorrow, so that out weighs it every year. Pizza sounds delicious though.
@doxiemoxie212 No advice here other than whats been said, but I just wanna say i'm sending good vibes your way in hopes everything works out
@krashke Yay! for finding childcare!! Thats huge!!
@amys614 Hugs
@jsl82 Sorry you had to cancel dinner Saturday. Hopefully next year you can really do it up!
Married March 2016
DD: born 7.22.16
DS EDD: 6.23.18
DS: born oct 2012
TFAS: BFP #1 aug16. miscarriage sept16
BFP #2 nov16 MMC dec16. d&c jan17
BFP #3 sept17 EDD 5/31/18
fingers crossed for our rainbow baby
@doxiemoxie212 - I thought of a few other points...I've been through the stress of work unhappiness with DH and just recently we reached peace and closure and let me tell you- the sense of relief is astounding, so I feel you. It all sounds oh so familiar.
-as appealing as the CA hospital situation sounds compared to NYC...this seems to be the biggest selling point right now. Your stay in the hospital will be 2-4 DAYS...it will be a blur. Your entire stay in CA will be what, 4 months? While, yes, a private room would obviously be preferred people in NYC make it through with shared rooms every day. 4 months in CA with 2-4 days of a private room and sharing a house/space 100% of the time with your mom or 2-4 days of shared space in the hospital but an infinite amount of private space at your home. Just food for thought.
I feel like moving seems like the new shiny thing but doesn't fix any problems (seems like you feel the same). Materialistic/tangible things seldom, if ever, fix emotional/personal/non-tangible issues.
Hoping you guys can come to peace with a decision. Stress like this isn't what you want to be worried about while preggers.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18