@yellow1daisy I agree with so much of what you said. I'm a phd student so I'm around college students a lot, and they are always sick (as was I in my college days). The bathrooms get so gross by mid-morning, I always put a couple layers of TP down or hover.
I haven't had a cold, other than a bout of pregnancy rhinitis, in years, so I am not changing my ways anytime soon. I'll definitely try to let DD play freely and not obsess about germs with her though.
@crzyforbabies Oh I hate that dirty hands feeling too. In a pinch, I'll use sanitizer, let it dry, and then wipe my hands with a damp paper towel. But nothing beats actually washing them.
Can we make a hover exception for port-a-potties? Because I definitely hover in those. The ones with seemingly bottomless pits are the scariest to me. (What if something crawls or splashes up my lady cavern?!!) I generally do anything in my power to avoid using them at outdoor events and festivals, but thanks to being pregnant there have been a couple times I had no choice.
I love a hot bath, especially with good bath salts and a glass of wine. The master bath is one of the reasons we bought our house- the tub is huge and I love it.
I don't hover in public restrooms unless 1) it is a porta potty or 2) there is pee on the seat and no clean stalls (yuck).
My UO: I think super sweet wines (like moscato or muscadine wines) are nasty. In my mind it isn't wine if it could double as syrup.
So late but +1 for being the opposite of germaphobe. I think that germs are important in building an immune system and I do t hover in the tub.
I was always happy to hand DS off when someone wanted to hold him. Not strangers but close friends and family for sure. That meant I could pee alone and occasionally eat food that was hot. I remember being at a family event when DS was a couple months old. DH's uncle took my super fussy baby and walked around the house to calm him and give me a break. His aunt made some comment like "aren't you nervous having him so far away?" He was in the same house with a trusted family member and I got to relax for 10 minutes so nope not nervous at all.
Aw, the grandparent comments make me sad! My father's parents were amazing grandparents and spoiled me silly (not so much in buying things, but just kind of allowing me to do all the kid stuff that parents can't always allow). I absolutely adored them and have an incredibly close relationship with them. And am so respectful of the elderly because of that.
At first, I was mad at my parents for their attitude that they can just do whatever they want with DS. (Apparently my mother was giving him a lot of food that I did not know about or approve of.) But DH, who also had a really special relationship with his grandmother, convinced me to just let our son have that relationship with his grandparents and stay out of it. We have started taking that approach, and DS adores his grandparents - and it's nice to witness that and not feel like I need to control that aspect of his life.
I am not at all saying that you ladies who feel differently are wrong. Just sharing that I personally, due to my own family situation, would feel like my son was missing out on a really positive, irreplaceable experience in his life if I tried to control his grandparent exposure too much. It's unfathomable to me to consider their legal rights - grandparenting is definitely a birthright in our family.
We know, love. You already made that opinion super clear in the STM+ showers thread. I admire the passion that this issue stirs up in people, but cannot fathom it.
Can we make a hover exception for port-a-potties? Because I definitely hover in those. The ones with seemingly bottomless pits are the scariest to me. (What if something crawls or splashes up my lady cavern?!!) I generally do anything in my power to avoid using them at outdoor events and festivals, but thanks to being pregnant there have been a couple times I had no choice.
Working on construction sites at my previous job I had to get over this. Men are nasty, but when you have to go and you can't get in your car and drive to a place that has a semi-clean restroom because of the work you're doing, you take what you can get. I hate hand sanitizer, but I definitely loaded my hands with that and took a shower when I got home. (Luckily, I wore disposable gloves a lot while at the construction sites.)
Married: 10/13/2013
TTC #1: Mirena removed 5/26/2015; DH - normal SA, me - diagnosed with PCOS 8/4/2016 - on Metformin; BFP - 10/29/2016!!!, EDD - 7/8/2017; DD born 6/29/2017
@virginiaunicorn11 - Thank you for posting what you did about grandparents. I have been on the fence with how to deal with both my parents and my H's mom, mostly because I know they wouldn't respect my wishes. But, if I want this little one to have the kind of relationship I did with my grandparents, I realize now I have to take a step back and let it develop.
Married: 10/13/2013
TTC #1: Mirena removed 5/26/2015; DH - normal SA, me - diagnosed with PCOS 8/4/2016 - on Metformin; BFP - 10/29/2016!!!, EDD - 7/8/2017; DD born 6/29/2017
I also don't see anything wrong with grandparents "spoiling" the little ones unless they're deliberately going against my wishes on something important. Giving extra treats/sweets isn't a big deal to me, and same with buying toys and such. Especially because these won't be every day occurances
Well I'm having three showers for this one child sooo not sure if that counts as something that induces rage. But I didn't really have a choice.
Ice cream cake is the actual best- BUT ice cream cake w real cake in it (like at cold stone) is a sick joke and absolutely nasty. All ice cream or bust.
I dont hate the idea of having grandparents around- they can be around as much as they want, totally happy with that and I would not try to control that aspect of their relationship. I just think it's weird that grandparents HAVE TO "spoil" the grandchildren. Is loving them not enough? I don't think that's what you're saying but that is how it feels when it comes from my MIL. I get to be the big bad wolf and she gets to be white knight who gives them everything they want. I'm sure that my parents and in-laws will be taking our kids to Disney and for ice cream and a lot of those sorts of things that maybe we would do but not as often as they get to do them with their grandparents and I don't have a huge problem with that. We're busy/have jobs and grandparents don't. I think I just have a problem with the idea that there is an attitude of ANYTHING GOES. Anything does not go and we need to pass things through mom or dad first.
@virginiaunicorn11 Thanks for sharing a different grandparent perspective. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my grandparents, but my husband did. So now, I really struggle with my feelings on the matter. My MIL never respects our wishes on how we raise DS and she acts entitled to her time with him. Its complicated, and I'm still trying to find a happy medium.
Thank you, yet again @virginiaunicorn11 for putting my feelings so much more eloquently that I could re: grandparents. And I agree with @kat0607. I think know back to my own grandparents, and I want my kids to have that type of relationship with them. Does that mean a little more than they would have at home? Sure. But not to the point of being a major issue.
Also, ice cream cake with crunchies. Yes please. I don't really like cake in general, but if there's fruit in it, I can deal, though I usually don't eat the icing. If it's ice cream, then I'm 100% on board.
Re: grandparents. I think it depends on how it happens. For example, if I am with my mom and tell my child 'no' to something, I expect my mom to not turn around and give my child whatever the thing was. But if my mom had my kid and I am not there, I am fine with a little extra spoiling (treats, etc.). I just don't want my mom to directly undermine my parenting, in front of my child.
I was very close with my paternal grandparents and they definitely spoiled me, but they also respected my parents' decisions.
I also had a great relationship with my grandparents - spent entire summers with them and would go there after school (of my own will) when I was in high school. My grandmother sent weekly dinners for me because I was such a picky eater. They were a huge help when my sister was born - we are less than two years apart and my mom had an emergency c-section so they really stepped in and took care of me. I know there was some tension surrounding sending me back home (grandparents wanted to keep me) when I was younger, but I don't know all the details. I was closer with them than my Mom, which I'm sure was complicated for her. I loved them so much I can't imagine anything different and am happy my parents fostered that relationship.
That being said, I'm a hypocrite- whilst I'm supportive of my parents' relationship with DS because they know and follow the 'rules', I'm not so supportive regarding DH's parents. We didn't even list them as temporary guardians in our trust - and there are 4 people on the list. Grandparents should follow the rules - it's the respectful thing to do. My brain has a hard time computing otherwise.
re: grandparents - I'm all about fighting the battles that really matter and to me extra treats from Grandma don't matter that much. When it comes to safety issues like car seats, food allergies etc I would put my foot down but if Grandma or Grandpa spoil my kid a bit I'm not going to worry about it. I think so many parents today get wrapped up in "the right kind of parenting" like no screen time, no junk food, only organic grass fed whatever and forget that kids are only kids once. I don't think any kid is going to be destroyed for life because Grandma gave them a chocolate bar and I bet that most of us looking back at our visits to Grandma's house will remember extra cookies and treats as part of what made visits so awesome.
Re: grandparents. I think it depends on how it happens. For example, if I am with my mom and tell my child 'no' to something, I expect my mom to not turn around and give my child whatever the thing was. But if my mom had my kid and I am not there, I am fine with a little extra spoiling (treats, etc.). I just don't want my mom to directly undermine my parenting, in front of my child.
This is definitely my biggest issue. And like @caribbeanmama-2 I have different standards for my parents and my ILs. My mom is actually a worse offender with the occasional override attempt, but I still don't really trust my ILs for extended periods, and I'm not as invested in the relationship. I recognize that it's awful, but it's what I'm working with.
I'm kind of in between on the grandparents thing - definitely do not want them to undermine me outright, but for the most part, I expect their relationship with my dh to be just fun, playing, and as much spoiling as they want without intrusion from me - and I'm fine playing the bad guy because they just don't get enough time with my kid and I want her to have all the fun with them.
I can see, however, how annoying that could get if my in laws actually lived nearby and saw them more frequently
This is probably an UO. I don't know if it's because I grew up without grandparents around, but it irks me when I hear people who are grandparents say "Oh I get to do x and y with the kids even if the mom/dad doesn't like it because it's my right as a grandparent to spoil my grandbabies."
I think it's disrespectful to the parents. And I don't agree that the grandparents have a "right" to just undermine the parents.
+1000000000000!!! My Mom is like this. I am going to have to set some very clear boundaries with her. We lived with my parents while we were building our house and when my nephew would come over I had to reign her in constantly! I know what my sister does/doesn't allow at home and I'd forever be going, "No Mom ..." or "Don't you think it's time for bed?" or, "Don't give him a full pop!" Even now with family dinners I'm always the one speaking up that they need to be early-ish because screwing up the kids schedule means hell for my sis and BIL the next day. I do it because I'd want her to do it for me. My sister rarely ever says stuff to my Mom because she helps her (as in babysits when she needs her to although my Mom is literally never on time and makes my sis late for everything) My sister and I are 2 different people though. I will not hold my tongue like she does lol!
Reading all this is making me extremely sad, I miss my grandparents a bit too much today! And I'm going to make an effort that my child meets his grandparents (both sides!) as much as he wants/can.
I can set the boundaries for my parents (they are far more disciplined than me so no issues there) and DH can set the boundaries for his own parents. The rest I'm going to leave up to my child/children they need to learn how to make their own judgment.
The grandparents thing doesn't annoy me too much, my parents spoil more but they see them less (they are crazy busy with work and other things), DHs parents live across the street so sometimes I get annoyed but seeing someone almost everyday will do that - and I know that's all that is, the only really knock is she prefers my BIL/SILs kids because she thinks she is a better parent (may or may not be true lol) and loves that those kids prefer her and she gets to semi-raise them.
What annoys me is DH does this crap. He gives them treats and lets them get away with things he knows shouldn't. I try not to get too annoyed, with his work schedule he usually only gets to be with the kids about a half hour a day through the week (weekends can be busy too so its tough for him) so I know he is trying to make the most of his time, I just hate always be the "mean" parent.
What annoys me is DH does this crap. He gives them treats and lets them get away with things he knows shouldn't. I try not to get too annoyed, with his work schedule he usually only gets to be with the kids about a half hour a day through the week (weekends can be busy too so its tough for him) so I know he is trying to make the most of his time, I just hate always be the "mean" parent.
LOL we have it opposite! I always get into trouble with DH when I let her get away with stuff.
I don't mind my parents or in-laws spoiling DD or doing things a bit differently from us but that's easy for me to say when I only see them for about two weeks out of the year. I figure extra tv and treats for the times that we visit them isn't going to hurt anything. I'd imagine it's much harder to set boundaries for those of you who live a lot closer to family, especially if the grandparents are regular babysitters. There's definitely a big difference between extra cookies (meh) and installing the car seat improperly (that'd be nonnegotiable!).
I was completely spoiled by my grandparents and miss all of them so much! DD is named after my maternal grandmother and this little girl will be named after my paternal grandmother and DH's grandmother.
DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE DO THE ICE CREAM AND CAKE!
+1 on the spoiling argument. DH is always saying jerky stuff like, "Everyone knows the mom is for disciplining and the dad is the fun one." Yeah EFF that. We will BOTH be disciplinarians AND fun ones.
@ginger1228 he had his little fists in his mouth, so they dug them out so they could see his face better and then gave him their finger to suck on instead when he made a fuss. Ugh!!!!!
Omg my mom was constantly giving my son her fingers to chew on....and I was noticing she wasn't washing her hands first?!?!?! WHO DOES THIS. I would quickly lunge for a chewy thingy and say, "Here use this" and she would go "oh my finger is fine, I don't mind" and then I would go, "I mind because EW!" She quickly stopped, thank god.
My mom annoys the crap out of me when she babysits. I can guarantee at least 5 texts saying "can B have a donut for breakfast" "what time exactly do you give him dinner" "how long should I let him cry" "can I cut the tag off his shirt" "can I let him have screen time"
UH, HOW DID YOU RAISE TWO CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN?! I appreciate the questions sometimes and I realize she just wants to be the perfect gma but it almost gives me more anxiety.
My grandmother, DS's great grandmother on the other hand loves to say "I raised three children all on my own, I know what I'm doing." I saw her yesterday and said I didn't want DS to have any candy because I wanted him to nap in the car on the way home. I go to the bathroom and she's given him a hostess cupcake and looks at DS and says (with me there and obviously listening) "mommy said no candy but cupcakes aren't candy are they." Seriously considered chewing out an 81 year old woman, but held myself back.
I don't mind my parents or in-laws spoiling DD or doing things a bit differently from us but that's easy for me to say when I only see them for about two weeks out of the year. I figure extra tv and treats for the times that we visit them isn't going to hurt anything. I'd imagine it's much harder to set boundaries for those of you who live a lot closer to family, especially if the grandparents are regular babysitters. There's definitely a big difference between extra cookies (meh) and installing the car seat improperly (that'd be nonnegotiable!).
I was completely spoiled by my grandparents and miss all of them so much! DD is named after my maternal grandmother and this little girl will be named after my paternal grandmother and DH's grandmother.
I see my folks also twice a year. Once they come here and once we go there. Last visit I was putting DD in the car seat my dad uses all the time for my niece and the thing was loose! So loose it is probably safer to ride sitting on the roof of the car waving your arms. I was horrified thinking he's taking my niece in the car like that. It's not like he's a careless grandfather, I think he believes he installed it correctly. But wow that was crazy. I fixed it right away but I'll never forget that.
@plumpous Yikes! That'd warrant a conversation for me but I have an honest enough relationship with my parents that they wouldn't be offended if I corrected them. I hope you were able to talk to your dad about it without it being uncomfortable! We love our parents so much but having some space isn't a bad thing, sometimes!
My mom annoys the crap out of me when she babysits. I can guarantee at least 5 texts saying "can B have a donut for breakfast" "what time exactly do you give him dinner" "how long should I let him cry" "can I cut the tag off his shirt" "can I let him have screen time"
UH, HOW DID YOU RAISE TWO CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN?! I appreciate the questions sometimes and I realize she just wants to be the perfect gma but it almost gives me more anxiety.
My grandmother, DS's great grandmother on the other hand loves to say "I raised three children all on my own, I know what I'm doing." I saw her yesterday and said I didn't want DS to have any candy because I wanted him to nap in the car on the way home. I go to the bathroom and she's given him a hostess cupcake and looks at DS and says (with me there and obviously listening) "mommy said no candy but cupcakes aren't candy are they." Seriously considered chewing out an 81 year old woman, but held myself back.
The cupcake comment could have been said by my mother. Sometimes I'm thankful she is so far away.
I seriously worry about my MIL with the LO. She does these confusing things - like FIL will remind her not to give ice cream to their dog (it makes him sick) - and then she'll turn around 5 minutes later and give him the rest of her bowl. And then the dog gets sick. I think she's starting to have a bit of memory loss (her mother has significant cognitive issues)...but if that's a rebellion (I do what I want!) thing, we are in for it.
Re: Unpopular Opinions May 4
I haven't had a cold, other than a bout of pregnancy rhinitis, in years, so I am not changing my ways anytime soon. I'll definitely try to let DD play freely and not obsess about germs with her though.
@crzyforbabies Oh I hate that dirty hands feeling too. In a pinch, I'll use sanitizer, let it dry, and then wipe my hands with a damp paper towel. But nothing beats actually washing them.
Married 8 years - Aug 23/08
DD - 6 years old, March 17/11
#2 due July 19th! (It's a boy!)
@twinkiedoll I haven't had Carvel in probably 15 years, but I remember loving that crunch layer too.
I love a hot bath, especially with good bath salts and a glass of wine. The master bath is one of the reasons we bought our house- the tub is huge and I love it.
I don't hover in public restrooms unless 1) it is a porta potty or 2) there is pee on the seat and no clean stalls (yuck).
My UO: I think super sweet wines (like moscato or muscadine wines) are nasty. In my mind it isn't wine if it could double as syrup.
edit because autocorrect sucks.
Married: Oct 2015
Baby G born June 2017
TTC#2: July 2018
BFP #2: 2/6/19 MC 3/14/19
BFP#3 from IUI #2: 6/30/20 EDD 3/9/21
Married: 6/2016
TTC:6/2016
BFP: 11/22/2016 | EDD: 7/29/2017
I was always happy to hand DS off when someone wanted to hold him. Not strangers but close friends and family for sure. That meant I could pee alone and occasionally eat food that was hot. I remember being at a family event when DS was a couple months old. DH's uncle took my super fussy baby and walked around the house to calm him and give me a break. His aunt made some comment like "aren't you nervous having him so far away?" He was in the same house with a trusted family member and I got to relax for 10 minutes so nope not nervous at all.
At first, I was mad at my parents for their attitude that they can just do whatever they want with DS. (Apparently my mother was giving him a lot of food that I did not know about or approve of.) But DH, who also had a really special relationship with his grandmother, convinced me to just let our son have that relationship with his grandparents and stay out of it. We have started taking that approach, and DS adores his grandparents - and it's nice to witness that and not feel like I need to control that aspect of his life.
I am not at all saying that you ladies who feel differently are wrong. Just sharing that I personally, due to my own family situation, would feel like my son was missing out on a really positive, irreplaceable experience in his life if I tried to control his grandparent exposure too much. It's unfathomable to me to consider their legal rights - grandparenting is definitely a birthright in our family.
I admire the passion that this issue stirs up in people, but cannot fathom it.
Ice cream cake is the actual best- BUT ice cream cake w real cake in it (like at cold stone) is a sick joke and absolutely nasty. All ice cream or bust.
I dont hate the idea of having grandparents around- they can be around as much as they want, totally happy with that and I would not try to control that aspect of their relationship. I just think it's weird that grandparents HAVE TO "spoil" the grandchildren. Is loving them not enough? I don't think that's what you're saying but that is how it feels when it comes from my MIL. I get to be the big bad wolf and she gets to be white knight who gives them everything they want. I'm sure that my parents and in-laws will be taking our kids to Disney and for ice cream and a lot of those sorts of things that maybe we would do but not as often as they get to do them with their grandparents and I don't have a huge problem with that. We're busy/have jobs and grandparents don't. I think I just have a problem with the idea that there is an attitude of ANYTHING GOES. Anything does not go and we need to pass things through mom or dad first.
Also, ice cream cake with crunchies. Yes please. I don't really like cake in general, but if there's fruit in it, I can deal, though I usually don't eat the icing. If it's ice cream, then I'm 100% on board.
I was very close with my paternal grandparents and they definitely spoiled me, but they also respected my parents' decisions.
That being said, I'm a hypocrite- whilst I'm supportive of my parents' relationship with DS because they know and follow the 'rules', I'm not so supportive regarding DH's parents. We didn't even list them as temporary guardians in our trust - and there are 4 people on the list. Grandparents should follow the rules - it's the respectful thing to do. My brain has a hard time computing otherwise.
This is definitely my biggest issue. And like @caribbeanmama-2 I have different standards for my parents and my ILs. My mom is actually a worse offender with the occasional override attempt, but I still don't really trust my ILs for extended periods, and I'm not as invested in the relationship. I recognize that it's awful, but it's what I'm working with.
I can see, however, how annoying that could get if my in laws actually lived nearby and saw them more frequently
Met: 08/2001 ~ Dating: 07/2004 ~ Engaged: 11/2009 ~ Married: 06/2011
TTC: Since 09/16 ~ BFP 10/28/16 ~ EDD 7/5/17
Team Pink * Canadian Bumpie
I can set the boundaries for my parents (they are far more disciplined than me so no issues there) and DH can set the boundaries for his own parents. The rest I'm going to leave up to my child/children they need to learn how to make their own judgment.
What annoys me is DH does this crap. He gives them treats and lets them get away with things he knows shouldn't. I try not to get too annoyed, with his work schedule he usually only gets to be with the kids about a half hour a day through the week (weekends can be busy too so its tough for him) so I know he is trying to make the most of his time, I just hate always be the "mean" parent.
I was completely spoiled by my grandparents and miss all of them so much! DD is named after my maternal grandmother and this little girl will be named after my paternal grandmother and DH's grandmother.
+1 on the spoiling argument. DH is always saying jerky stuff like, "Everyone knows the mom is for disciplining and the dad is the fun one." Yeah EFF that. We will BOTH be disciplinarians AND fun ones.
Me: 26 Him: 27
Dating: 5/2011 Married: 6/2014
Mirena out/TTC: 02/2016
BFP #1: 12/01/2016
EDD: 07/24/2017
Married: Oct 2015
Baby G born June 2017
TTC#2: July 2018
BFP #2: 2/6/19 MC 3/14/19
BFP#3 from IUI #2: 6/30/20 EDD 3/9/21
UH, HOW DID YOU RAISE TWO CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN?! I appreciate the questions sometimes and I realize she just wants to be the perfect gma but it almost gives me more anxiety.
My grandmother, DS's great grandmother on the other hand loves to say "I raised three children all on my own, I know what I'm doing." I saw her yesterday and said I didn't want DS to have any candy because I wanted him to nap in the car on the way home. I go to the bathroom and she's given him a hostess cupcake and looks at DS and says (with me there and obviously listening) "mommy said no candy but cupcakes aren't candy are they." Seriously considered chewing out an 81 year old woman, but held myself back.
I seriously worry about my MIL with the LO. She does these confusing things - like FIL will remind her not to give ice cream to their dog (it makes him sick) - and then she'll turn around 5 minutes later and give him the rest of her bowl. And then the dog gets sick. I think she's starting to have a bit of memory loss (her mother has significant cognitive issues)...but if that's a rebellion (I do what I want!) thing, we are in for it.