Thank you all for your responses, I have an idea from most of your answers what I should do. Wish me luck! (By the way, it's not an actual closet we're putting the baby in it's a walk in that's like the size of a small room, just for the record and we don't have his kids 24/7 and they're not all going to be sleeping in there).
I got pregnant when I was 19 with someone who was 24. He was immature and bailed on me. I did NOT put his name on the birth certificate, and do not regret it for a second. I am free to make all decisions. When I did take him to court for child support, all they did was a paternity test, but be was never added to the birth certificate. Unfortunately, he is no longer a part of her life, and his rights were terminated 2 years ago. Being young, I was desperate to make the relationship work, but looking back I should have let him walk from the beginning and left it alone. Just think long and hard about what is in the best interest for your child.
OP I'm sadly heartbroken for you. This man preyed on you and made you think this was love I'm going to honest and tell you what he did was so very wrong. Sadly age of consent is age 16 here in mn but this guy needs to be a listed sex offender.
Please seek some help and guidance you are so young and so naive that is not an insult it is the absolute truth. My dear your brain hasn't even finished developing and the world is your oyster don't lock yourself down with a pos like this guy all you will end up is taking care of kids he has no business having when you and your baby should be out living your dreams. Think bigger dream bigger and want more for yourself and if you have to ask if putting the fathers name on the birth certificate is a risk of him going to jail that should be a big red flag that what he did was wrong.
also to the poster who questioned what a pp had meant by groomed it means a pedophile like this man gets to know girl firsts acts like a friend or mentor finds their weakness such as feelings of loss or need to be loved and strikes on it until the child (her) has no idea what has happened is wrong and they sadly view it as consensual sex instead of rape which is 100% is. This happened to my cousin luckily she was 15 and she is still struggling to see what he did was wrong because of the twisted way these scum bag pedophiles manipulate vulnerable minds.
Look, I appreciate all of your advice on what I should do, it's wonderful knowing that all these women who I don't even know are looking out for me. Thank you, ladies. I have my mind made up with what I'm going to do. Thank you for guiding me, I greatly appreciate it.
And if you guys must know the reason I want him on the birth certificate is because I need him to take care of his kid as well. I didn't make it by myself and he needs to be held accountable for his actions and take care of his son (we found out it was a boy today, I thought it was a girl, I actually called him a she once on here because I didn't want anyone to judge me for planning too far ahead).
i honestly doubt that he will fully accept this responsibility, no matter what you do. my mom put my father on my birth certificate, & that certainly didn't make him accountable or responsible. no you didnt make the baby on your own, but sadly, i see you doing this on your own the moment he gets bored &/or decides he doesnt want the responsibility anymore. i mean.. he shouldn't be okay with having his newborn's room be a walk-in closet, & yet he is. that's not right. he should be busting his ass to give you & this baby of his the best start to this life you both can get.
@taylorj513 hang in there girl. It's rough being pregnant and even more difficult when there are other things like you are going through. The ladies will always be here to support you and several us are from MN so don't hesitate to reach out.
Thank you all for your responses, I have an idea from most of your answers what I should do. Wish me luck! (By the way, it's not an actual closet we're putting the baby in it's a walk in that's like the size of a small room, just for the record and we don't have his kids 24/7 and they're not all going to be sleeping in there).
Please run the past your OB/Pediatrician. Babies need circulating air. If not, and I may be mistaken, it increases the risk of SIDS. Just put the baby in the room with you, or set up an area in the living/dining room. Oh, and I think you should start running and never look back. Illegal or not, your fiancé is a sick man and has no business having sex with a minor.
And if you guys must know the reason I want him on the birth certificate is because I need him to take care of his kid as well. I didn't make it by myself and he needs to be held accountable for his actions and take care of his son (we found out it was a boy today, I thought it was a girl, I actually called him a she once on here because I didn't want anyone to judge me for planning too far ahead).
Seriously girl, good luck. You're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last.
I'm so sorry, @taylorj513, but this is the first thing in the past 17 weeks of my pregnancy that has literally made me cry. I am scared for you, scared for those kids, and so angered that one of the men in your life hasn't taken a baseball bat to the skull of your abuser. Sick dogs should be put down.
He does bust his ass. He works two jobs every day. Some people aren't given the same opportunities as white middle class people (I am white and middle class so I'm not trying to offend anyone), some people have to work shitty jobs that don't pay as much as they should because they have no choice. Look up systematic racism. And he's not going anywhere, his ex makes seeing his other kids extremely difficult and he's still busting his ass trying to see them, doing everything he can. He loves the fact that he's going to be a father to another child. He's devoted to his kids because they're his, despite whatever happens between he and I. And why is everyone focusing on the walk in closet? That's really not the question or problem at hand right now. Obviously we wouldn't shut the door and let the baby suffocate, I'm young and have made plenty of bad and/or questionable choices but I don't have completely no sense. Plus, the first couple of weeks we'll probably have the baby in the same room.
He does bust his ass. He works two jobs every day. Some people aren't given the same opportunities as white middle class people (I am white and middle class so I'm not trying to offend anyone), some people have to work shitty jobs that don't pay as much as they should because they have no choice. Look up systematic racism. And he's not going anywhere, his ex makes seeing his other kids extremely difficult and he's still busting his ass trying to see them, doing everything he can. He loves the fact that he's going to be a father to another child. He's devoted to his kids because they're his, despite whatever happens between he and I. And why is everyone focusing on the walk in closet? That's really not the question or problem at hand right now. Obviously we wouldn't shut the door and let the baby suffocate, I'm young and have made plenty of bad and/or questionable choices but I don't have completely no sense. Plus, the first couple of weeks we'll probably have the baby in the same room.
Yeah, you should read that Wikipedia link on child grooming.
And quite honestly, I don't blame BM for making it hard for him to see his kids. I wouldn't let my kids with an ex who was dating a child. I wouldn't trust him with my kids. I've seen this rodeo girl, if I were BM I'd be getting as much evidence as I could to keep him from ever seeing my kids again, because nothing good comes from letting kids around an abusive father.
Like I said, I hope you learn sooner rather than later.
He does bust his ass. He works two jobs every day. Some people aren't given the same opportunities as white middle class people (I am white and middle class so I'm not trying to offend anyone), some people have to work shitty jobs that don't pay as much as they should because they have no choice. Look up systematic racism. And he's not going anywhere, his ex makes seeing his other kids extremely difficult and he's still busting his ass trying to see them, doing everything he can. He loves the fact that he's going to be a father to another child. He's devoted to his kids because they're his, despite whatever happens between he and I. And why is everyone focusing on the walk in closet? That's really not the question or problem at hand right now. Obviously we wouldn't shut the door and let the baby suffocate, I'm young and have made plenty of bad and/or questionable choices but I don't have completely no sense. Plus, the first couple of weeks we'll probably have the baby in the same room.
While I would never deny that racism is alive and well in America I feel like with what I have read by you that's more his excuse than anything. Because if he really wanted his kids from the ex he "never loved' he would go to court and get some rights. If he really wanted to make something of his life he wouldn't be with a 16 year old child. No one is really focusing on the walk in closet but that is what YOU are choosing to pick out of all these comments. Everyone is focusing on the fact that a real 28 year old man wouldn't look at a child as a new mother to another child for him when he already has two and not a set custody agreement on them. I seriously feel very very bad for your entire situation and I feel like he is completely taking advantage of your naive young mind. The grooming comment was spot on because while age can be nothing but a number later on in life. At your age it is NEVER a healthy relationship. Men that prey (yes prey) on young girls do so because they can control the situation. They feel they can control you and mold you to how they want. He tells you he "never loved his ex" "never should have had kids with her" etc. That your love is special and totally different. On another post you were having a hard time even dealing with the thoughts of him "doing things like creating a child" with his ex. Sharing that bond with her etc. That right there tells an outsider that you mentally aren't ready for an adult relationship to be a step mother to other children and you shouldn't be dealing with all that right now. I am just sad that no adult in your life has stepped in and made this an issue. I wish there was something anyone here could say that would make you reach out for help but sadly it seems your mind is made up and that you won't truly understand all these valid points until you are just another of his ex's and he is off with another young teen. I hope I am wrong. I wish nothing more than to be wrong but odds are myself and all the others are not wrong.
Alright, thank you for all your opinions on this, I have my mind made up on what I'm doing so I'm not really going to bother replying anymore. I know what I'm doing now is going to be what's best for my son. Thank you ladies (sorry if I didn't read your answer and/or respond to you directly).
He does bust his ass. He works two jobs every day. Some people aren't given the same opportunities as white middle class people (I am white and middle class so I'm not trying to offend anyone), some people have to work shitty jobs that don't pay as much as they should because they have no choice. Look up systematic racism. And he's not going anywhere, his ex makes seeing his other kids extremely difficult and he's still busting his ass trying to see them, doing everything he can. He loves the fact that he's going to be a father to another child. He's devoted to his kids because they're his, despite whatever happens between he and I. And why is everyone focusing on the walk in closet? That's really not the question or problem at hand right now. Obviously we wouldn't shut the door and let the baby suffocate, I'm young and have made plenty of bad and/or questionable choices but I don't have completely no sense. Plus, the first couple of weeks we'll probably have the baby in the same room.
we are focused on the walk-in closet part because that is not a suitable environment for a newborn, & yet you both seem more than okay with it, which shows both of your immaturity. being 16, i dont blame you. however, he should know better. then again, he's having a child with a child, so i guess that's expecting a little much.
also, using the colour of his skin as an excuse for anything is ridiculous. I'm from a white middle-upper class family & because of choices *I* made in my life, I'm working a low-income shitty waitress job. you make what you want of your life. sure it's harder for some people to become "successful", but not impossible.
being 16 i know you cant see any of this now. but i guarantee once you actually gain some maturity & look back on this, you will shake your head at yourself. you remind me a lot of my 16y/o self, so i really do wish you luck with all of this. i hope you have the strength to deal with what is coming your way, for your son's sake.
OP, I am so incredibly sad for you. You have my pity. This is not how your teen years should be spent. I sincerely hope you come to your senses before it's too late.
Hang in there OP. Don't feel like you have to respond to people on here either it's okay to not. We have all made questionable decisions in our lives and if anyone says they haven't they are lying. It's the word "closet" that is bothering people talk about with your OB show them a picture your OB will be able to give you solid advice on it. And because you are wanting to give your baby it's own space does not make you a bad mom but for your OB agrees it may not be in the babies best interest due to air circulation as small places also can become to hot or too cold it's okay to just have the baby in your room. Many people don't have the luxury of a nursery and that's okay and many find extra helpful to just have the baby close to their bed anyway.
Also @CosmoAnne1 are being reported no one on here deserves to be said they are going to be a bad mother. She is obviously working through so some stuff so instead of offering some helpful ideas or support you decide to throw hateful things around. I hope others report you too.
Thank you, I hope everything does work out for my son's sake. I'm just trying to figure out what's best and how to handle the situation that I was thrown into. I felt like I should respond to you since you're the only one here who seems to not be a self righteous person who doesn't understand the poor life and actually offers advice in a nonjudgmental or 'holier-than-thou' type of attitude.
Lots of people on here offer support while being concerned. My cousin went through a very similar situation thankfully she did not become pregnant as hers turned out very negatively and she was 15. Most people are just trying to look out for you and your baby so read the things they wrote and see that most are not coming from a holier than thou it's that we've lived more life and learned more hard lessons or are further beyond them and can look back and wish someone and stepped in and tried to help us then. But know 90% that was said was said to support you even if it isn't what you wanted to hear. Please get plugged into your bmb if you haven't already and lean on those ladies for support as well.
While the bump is known for snark is also known for support. Sometimes that comes in honesty (that we aren't ready to hear I know I'm not always), playing devils advocate to make sure we have looked at all the angles and lifting each other up. Every lady has their own style of doing this and I myself love snark a lot but know with the exception of one very unnecessary poster the rest took the time to write to try and help you even if you don't agree with them.
You haven't fought back with tears or angry words but did try to get your view across others may continue to disagree with the choices and hold reservations but good for you for hanging I there on this.
Thank you, I hope everything does work out for my son's sake. I'm just trying to figure out what's best and how to handle the situation that I was thrown into. I felt like I should respond to you since you're the only one here who seems to not be a self righteous person who doesn't understand the poor life and actually offers advice in a nonjudgmental or 'holier-than-thou' type of attitude.
I think you would be surprised how many bumpies are living with less than stellar financial situations. Many bumpies and people all over do bring home a baby to a one bedroom apartment. Again the apartment size is NOT the issue here. With my first we lived in a small living space, you make do and again that is not the issue. People aren't judging your financial issues and I don't see that happening at all. People ARE judging the father of your son. That's not being holier than thou but truly concerned for you. It's unfortunate that you can't see that.
No one is trying to be holier than thou and no one is trying to judge you. I'm sorry that that's what you're taking from all of this. The fact of the matter is that all of us are older and have experienced more in our life. You don't know what any of the ladies here have been through or are going through right now. Hell, some people are probably trying to save you from mistakes they wish someone had saved them from.
it's really sad that that's what you're getting from all this. no one is judging you. everyone has been supportive of you & given you GREAT advice. we are judging your SO who very much deserves to be judged. no respectable 28y/o man would be with a 16y/o girl. that's just the reality of it. & as PP's have mentioned, many many bumpies here (myself included) understand the poor life. i grew up poor. we only ever had money after my mom married my step-dad, but once he got sick, we went right back to the poor life. dont assume people dont understand or haven't been through similar situations as you.
just put your son first above yourself & especially your SO. do what's best for him, provide for him, & love him. if you do that, you cant go wrong.
it's really sad that that's what you're getting from all this. no one is judging you. everyone has been supportive of you & given you GREAT advice. we are judging your SO who very much deserves to be judged. no respectable 28y/o man would be with a 16y/o girl. that's just the reality of it. & as PP's have mentioned, many many bumpies here (myself included) understand the poor life. i grew up poor. we only ever had money after my mom married my step-dad, but once he got sick, we went right back to the poor life. dont assume people dont understand or haven't been through similar situations as you.
just put your son first above yourself & especially your SO. do what's best for him, provide for him, & love him. if you do that, you cant go wrong.
This. I'm 28, the same age as this predator, and when I think of 16 year olds I see babies. In my opinion, you are young, fragile, still figuring out who you are going to become. I see so much opportunity being robbed from you, not because you are having a child, but because you are in a situation with an adult who holds sexual and mental control over you. I'm afraid of every stereotypical consequence of these relationships; sexual abuse, physical assault, financial manipulation, hell even the risk of sex trafficking. There is a reason these relationships are socially rejected and in many places illegal; they are seldom, if ever, healthy situations. I'm also wondering where the responsible adults in your life are, why they are standing by letting you move in with dude, and why they haven't tried everything in their power to get you out from under his control. I feel there are so many people failing you at such a vulnerable time in your life. I know if you were my kid sister I would be fighting tooth and nail to get you away from him.
You have made up your mind, that's fair enough. Let me just put something out there. 4 years ago you were 12 years old. Maybe in 4 more years you will have another couple of kids, heading into your 20s. By the time you're 28, you will be the mother to a 12 year old child yourself. Now imagine that in 4 years time when that child is 16, an adult is going to come into their lives and start having sex with them and move them into a one bedroom apartment and then start having babies together. Right now you are just about to bring a child into an inequitable relationship and I am sure there is love there, but love at 16 is not the same as it is at 28 when you're a mother and have a few more children; struggling for every last dollar, all the while wondering what happened to your sense of self while you scrub a childs vomit out of their bedsheets at 3 in the morning. You fundamentally change your life, your body and soul when you have a child. Sure, I am projecting a bit, I have 5 kids, I'm 35, I work from home a few hours a week, while my partner of 16 years works a mediocre wage in retail. But that's reality. I wish I was 16 again, that sense of fearlessness, carefree freedom you think will last forever. I wish you all the best in the world for you and your baby, and I hope things work out with your guy and he has the balls to stick by you. Life is just about to change in a big way for you. Good luck
Self righteous is not appropriate. No one is judging you. We are judging him. He raped you. Period. In all sense of the law. Period. You are a minor, and your rapist is 12 years your senior. A quick search shows that while the age of consent is 16, since he is more than 10 years your senior, it is statuary rape. He would be listed as a chil predator, up to 30 years in jail plus a significant fine.
These laws are their to protect you and other innocent children. Because, no matter how mature you think you are, act, dress, talk..., you are a child. In every sense of the word, legally, mentally, physically. Hence there is a reason why you are called a minor, and can not do certain things prior to adulthood (vote, enlist, view adult material, buy property....).
Go ahead, get mad. You are allowed your own feelings. Every one on here is telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to. They are doing this out of concern.
This makes me unbelievably sad, we just had a similar situation with my younger relative who at 15 was lured online and started a "relationship" with a 25 year old man. Luckily, since the age of consent is 16 where I live, he was charged with sexual assault and also multiple counts of child pornography possession from the images he had my relative, as well as 5 other girls he was talking to, send him. All were minors. This was made more devastating by my relative getting pregnant, one month after turning 15 (the decision she and her mother made was to end the pregnancy, I don't want to start a pro-life pro-choice debate but in her situation I truly feel it was best for all). Reading your posts just devastates me because it shows how easy it is for a predator to manipulate and take advantage of young girls and unfortunately because your one year older than my relative this man is going to get away with it. I echo what pps have said ans pray you find the strength to see this situation for what it really is and escape from this man, for both the sake of you and your son.
@mrscammack Your relative made an incredibly hard and very brave decision. I hope that she heals physically, mentally, and emotionally from the abuse she suffered. She is so lucky to have her family standing by her through all of this.
You're more than willing to play the victim. You think you're a victim of racism, a victim of poverty, and now a victim of women on the bump. We're all just wishing you'd realize that you're a victim of predation and manipulation. I'd guess that the reason you're coming here for help and support is because this man has alienated you from your friends and family who would otherwise be telling you the same thing we are. That's a red flag of an abusive relationship. You being 16, I would assume he's also holding financial control over you, and now your son, so you feel trapped and your only option is to stay with him until he you're too old for his liking.
I hope you wake up and realize you're not a victim of poverty, racism or the bump, but a victim of the man you who has manipulated you into thinking you love him and want to start a life with him. If you can't wake up to that, then I hope somehow you're able to prove us all wrong. Good luck.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
Thank you, I hope everything does work out for my son's sake. I'm just trying to figure out what's best and how to handle the situation that I was thrown into. I felt like I should respond to you since you're the only one here who seems to not be a self righteous person who doesn't understand the poor life and actually offers advice in a nonjudgmental or 'holier-than-thou' type of attitude.
........seriously? 99.9% of the responses on here are extremely honest and helpful. Where do you get off thinking none of us understand "the poor life"?
Folks are responding directly to the things you are saying, offering amazing advice and support, despite the fact you already knew what you were going to do in the first place. (There's a name for people that do that. They're called "askholes" - you know, the person who is always asking for advice, but they already know what they're going to do anyway and brush off the advice.) No one has been holier-than-thou or judgmental. We've all be quite the opposite and very supportive of you.
There are major concerns being addressed. The closet is an issue. I've lived in many 1 bedroom apartments and I can tell you that those "big, walk-in closets" aren't really that big. It's still a closet. I agree with making do with what you have, but there are much better alternatives, like keeping him in a bassinet in the bedroom. A closet isn't safe and no newborn should be put in the closet.
The age is a major concern. You're almost half his age, and still a child, and not the first woman he's gotten pregnant. I'm sorry, maybe this is judgmental, and I apologize for that, but an almost 30 year old having a sexual relationship with a 16 year old is disgusting and borderline pedophilia. What it is, factually, is statutory rape. Did you jump right into a sexual relationship with him? Were you acutally 15 when you started dating? What man that age can engage in that type of relationship knowingly and find nothing concerning about it?
You said you're trying to make the best of the situation you were "thrown into". You weren't thrown into this situation. You made a decision, and your boyfriend was a creep enough to allow you to fall into it. Is he really a "great guy?" Really? A grown man who couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants, or be smart enough to use a damn condom, not giving a sh*t about the innocence or childhood he took away from a child? Yes, you're still a child (no offense). You should be worrying about finals, school dances, etc, not raising a child. I'm sickened by what he did to you.
I truly, truly feel sorry for you. I don't mean this post rude or hateful, so please don't think that. I'm very saddened that you seem to be in an unfortunate situation where you don't see the damage that is and will happen. And I'm very sad that it seems like you don't have family to support you during this time. I'm empathetic to you because I'm 34 and close to delivering my first child, and I'm still not ready mentally or financially. I couldn't imagine taking that on as a teenager and I thank God I didn't have to.
Please, please reach out to people who can help. You may not think you need it now, but you may in the future. I wish you the very best of luck.
I read this entire post and didn't see one comment that was judgy or "holier than thou". These women are clearly concerned for you and your situation. You are a CHILD yourself, and now you're having a child. You should be in SCHOOL getting and education and living your life. He's 28 years old, he's a grown man and should be dating a grown man, not a child. Do you actually believe he "never loved" his ex wife? People don't get married to someone they don't love, he obviously loved her at one point. Don't think he won't leave you too when he finds someone better come along. Please just be careful, a 28 year old who goes for a 16 year old is just disgusting. I'm 29 years old and would NEVER go after a person that much younger than me. They're immature and still children.
I truly hope that everything works out for you.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
You're more than willing to play the victim. You think you're a victim of racism, a victim of poverty, and now a victim of women on the bump. We're all just wishing you'd realize that you're a victim of predation and manipulation. I'd guess that the reason you're coming here for help and support is because this man has alienated you from your friends and family who would otherwise be telling you the same thing we are. That's a red flag of an abusive relationship. You being 16, I would assume he's also holding financial control over you, and now your son, so you feel trapped and your only option is to stay with him until he you're too old for his liking.
I hope you wake up and realize you're not a victim of poverty, racism or the bump, but a victim of the man you who has manipulated you into thinking you love him and want to start a life with him. If you can't wake up to that, then I hope somehow you're able to prove us all wrong. Good luck.
So much this.
OP - I did bring up using your walk in closet as a bedroom before. I will elaborate. I get it, you make do with what you have; however, if you are in a 1-bedroom apartment, the walk-in isn't going to be that big. I certainly question putting 3 children in there. Maybe this stems from being an architect and studying building codes and how they have changed and why they have changed. I can't help but to think of decades ago in New York where there were big families in small housing with no natural ventilation. So much disease and illness spread quickly. I'm not saying that this is 100% your situation, but natural ventilation is huge and necessary for the health and well being of your baby and the other children. I will also add that there is huge concerns in the event of a fire, you literally could be trapping the kids in a closet with no escape route.
The bigger issue here is your "fiance" - this isn't a good situation for you. This isn't safe. You are blinded by your naivety. What is this man going to teach your son? Would you HONESTLY be okay if your son were to date a 16 year old at the age of 28 knowing that he is committing statutory rape?
You have continuously thanked the women on here for their responses, and yet, said that you've made up your mind. Have you stopped to consider that these women might just be right? Rather than being defensive about your relationship, open your mind to the possibility that we are speaking the truth. We have years on you. We have experienced (directly and indirectly) things that you are going through and things that you cannot possibly imagine yet. Your number 1 priority right now NEEDS to be your baby and making sure he's in a safe environment. There are resources available to help you, I sincerely hope you take advantage of them.
It just dawned on me that I am 28. I could never imagine engaging in a relationship with a 16 year old child. It is MY responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen, not the hypothetical 16 year old. I am the adult in the situation. I am the one that would "seduce" aka manipulate a child to fall for me, sleep with me, impregnate me, etc. Not one ounce of it would be his fault. I would be the one able to make an easy and clean getaway since I have age, experience, a job, etc. in my favor - not the 16 year old whose youth, education and potential life/job experience I essentially stole. I would have the upper hand in this inappropriate relationship. I would know it and I would use it to my advantage.
I am only saying this to express to you that not one single person here is judging you or acting holier than thou or anything like that. We ALL think you are a victim. We ALL wish you the best. We ALL want you to excel and for you and your son to live a happy and healthy life. However NONE of us think that any of those things will happen in your current situation.
There is a saying that goes something like "It's never too late to go home again." I am not sure what your family situation is, but if you have ANYONE that could help you - a mother, grandparent, aunt, best friend's family - PLEASE try and start building those relationships JUST IN CASE something happens and you are left destitute. From my understanding, you will have nothing if anything happens between you and your SO. No education, no money, no job, no life skills. At the very least, you may need help with your LO and stepchildren while learning how to care for a baby, so reach out now and rekindle those relationships where you can. If your SO has a problem with this, that is a big giant RED FLAG that he is trying to isolate you from your loved ones. RUN if this is the case.
I - and everyone here - truly wish you all of the luck in the world. It's often easier to see clarity in a situation when it does not directly affect you. I hope that you can understand that this is the case for all of us trying to give you advice.
I'm with most of the pps on opinions about the relationship in general, though I do want to say this: My best friend got pregnant at 18 (the dad is not involved) and got her one-bedroom apartment when her baby was about 6 months old (she lived with her parents before then) and her daughter did sleep in a walk-in closet, which was honestly a really good size. My friend always had the door propped open and it was basically an extension of her bedroom. I'm not saying that this situation in particular is ideal - my best friend ended up moving her daughter into her room and sleeping out in the living room because her daughter just got too big - but it's not deadly, as long as she's not closing the door.
Good luck, OP. Having a baby is difficult and a lot of work no matter what age you are, but it really is more difficult when you're too young to have an established career.
Me: 25 DH: 28
Hubby's little boy - my wonderful step-son - born 5/23/10
BFP#1: 06/2010...my beautiful baby girl born 3/7/2011
BFP #2: 10/24/15...mc on 10/31/15
BFP #3: 11/27/15. EDD 8/6/16
"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill
@1faceinacrowd I don't necessarily think the problem is a NB in a hefty sized walk-in closet, it's a NB and potentially 2 step children on the weekends. I agree - I've seen closets that could easily fit and crib and more, but definitely not space for 3 kids to sleep, no matter their size.
@flowerpower5838 Yeah, that I agree with. I didn't see anything about that in OP's original post (I understand people saw something about that in a different thread). But if I'm being completely honest, the minute they attempt to put older kids into a closet with a NB, those older kids will be running out. I have a 4-year-old and 5-year-old at home; they're big enough to say "Oh heck no I'm not sleeping in this tiny space next to a crying baby!" If she truly plans to try to fit those older kids in there, she's in for a rude awakening.
Me: 25 DH: 28
Hubby's little boy - my wonderful step-son - born 5/23/10
BFP#1: 06/2010...my beautiful baby girl born 3/7/2011
BFP #2: 10/24/15...mc on 10/31/15
BFP #3: 11/27/15. EDD 8/6/16
"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill
OP, just a little food for thought....when you were 4 years old, your boyfriend was 16.....your current age. Yes, at some point in life "age is just a number", but at this stage in your life you're not at that point.
Take a long, hard thought about your child. How would you feel if your son was 16 years old and in a sexual relationship with a 28 year old and became a parent?
Children having children....it's so saddening to me.
Why do you not have a relationship with your family? Has your boyfriend somehow brainwashed you to cut ties with them? Where are they in this situation? I ask because your situation sounds like you've been preyed on, and I know how manipulative men like yours can be.
Please, listen carefully to the advice being given to you. It is being said with love and sincerity. You are very young. And raising children is not easy, nor are relationships. Please don't be so naive or prideful to listen to what other posters are offering you. We really do know what we're talking about and have experience....
Thank you, I hope everything does work out for my son's sake. I'm just trying to figure out what's best and how to handle the situation that I was thrown into. I felt like I should respond to you since you're the only one here who seems to not be a self righteous person who doesn't understand the poor life and actually offers advice in a nonjudgmental or 'holier-than-thou' type of attitude.
OP, when I first saw this thread I totally thought it was MUD, and started reading just for the comments. But as I read more and more my heart started to break for you. Besides this "boyfriend" do you have a support system? Family? Friends? Even a church group? You need help, and internet strangers, no matter how much we might send you supportive thoughts, cant get you out of this. I need to say you were not "thrown into" this situation. It sounds to me like you have accepted a really shitty situation and not sure what else to do? But you can get help and get out. Plenty of girls your age have babies and go on to lead amazing lives. You do not need to become a live-in, glorified babysitter for this man. I am assuming you no longer go to school? What are you going to do when this "man" either leaves you one day, or you wake up one day and realize you deserve better? No education, no job- which is sad because you come across as rather intelligent,and I bet you would be able to have a fulfilling career to support yourself and the LO . Please think of the future, and the best life possible for your baby, and just not what might seem right to do today. Until you are willing to admit that this is a dead end situation for you and your baby, nothing anyone says or does will be of any use.
I'm also 28. I couldn't date a 16 year old boy - his parents would flip
out. There are many teacher/student relationships (that are ILLEGAL and
teachers are prosecuted for) that have a much smaller age gap than
yours.. I have a 16 year old niece and if she was trying to date my
husband or his best friend there would be a serious issue.
What
really hit me here is though dear, my mom was only 34 when I was 16.
That's only six years older than your current "fiance." When your son is
16, you'll only be 32! Four years younger than this man. According to
your current relationship, that might make it sound acceptable for you
to date your sons' friends. That worries me.
For the sake of
your darling baby boy, make sure you have other options. I believe you
stated that you guys haven't moved in together yet? And you seem like
you still talk to your mom, judging by your other posts as well. Where
and with whom are you living with now, and do they know you are planning
on moving out, and can they leave space for you in case you need to
come back? You can be a great mom, if you have the chance to be. I'm
worried that this "fiance" of yours isn't going to help you with that.
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
Re: My baby's father is 28 and I'm 16, help
Please seek some help and guidance you are so young and so naive that is not an insult it is the absolute truth. My dear your brain hasn't even finished developing and the world is your oyster don't lock yourself down with a pos like this guy all you will end up is taking care of kids he has no business having when you and your baby should be out living your dreams. Think bigger dream bigger and want more for yourself and if you have to ask if putting the fathers name on the birth certificate is a risk of him going to jail that should be a big red flag that what he did was wrong.
also to the poster who questioned what a pp had meant by groomed it means a pedophile like this man gets to know girl firsts acts like a friend or mentor finds their weakness such as feelings of loss or need to be loved and strikes on it until the child (her) has no idea what has happened is wrong and they sadly view it as consensual sex instead of rape which is 100% is. This happened to my cousin luckily she was 15 and she is still struggling to see what he did was wrong because of the twisted way these scum bag pedophiles manipulate vulnerable minds.
*typo
And quite honestly, I don't blame BM for making it hard for him to see his kids. I wouldn't let my kids with an ex who was dating a child. I wouldn't trust him with my kids. I've seen this rodeo girl, if I were BM I'd be getting as much evidence as I could to keep him from ever seeing my kids again, because nothing good comes from letting kids around an abusive father.
Like I said, I hope you learn sooner rather than later.
also, using the colour of his skin as an excuse for anything is ridiculous. I'm from a white middle-upper class family & because of choices *I* made in my life, I'm working a low-income shitty waitress job. you make what you want of your life. sure it's harder for some people to become "successful", but not impossible.
being 16 i know you cant see any of this now. but i guarantee once you actually gain some maturity & look back on this, you will shake your head at yourself. you remind me a lot of my 16y/o self, so i really do wish you luck with all of this. i hope you have the strength to deal with what is coming your way, for your son's sake.
TTC #1 - Nov '14
DS born 10/18
Also @CosmoAnne1 are being reported no one on here deserves to be said they are going to be a bad mother. She is obviously working through so some stuff so instead of offering some helpful ideas or support you decide to throw hateful things around. I hope others report you too.
While the bump is known for snark is also known for support. Sometimes that comes in honesty (that we aren't ready to hear I know I'm not always), playing devils advocate to make sure we have looked at all the angles and lifting each other up. Every lady has their own style of doing this and I myself love snark a lot but know with the exception of one very unnecessary poster the rest took the time to write to try and help you even if you don't agree with them.
You haven't fought back with tears or angry words but did try to get your view across others may continue to disagree with the choices and hold reservations but good for you for hanging I there on this.
just put your son first above yourself & especially your SO. do what's best for him, provide for him, & love him. if you do that, you cant go wrong.
A quick search shows that while the age of consent is 16, since he is more than 10 years your senior, it is statuary rape. He would be listed as a chil predator, up to 30 years in jail plus a significant fine.
These laws are their to protect you and other innocent children. Because, no matter how mature you think you are, act, dress, talk..., you are a child. In every sense of the word, legally, mentally, physically. Hence there is a reason why you are called a minor, and can not do certain things prior to adulthood (vote, enlist, view adult material, buy property....).
Go ahead, get mad. You are allowed your own feelings. Every one on here is telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to. They are doing this out of concern.
I hope you wake up and realize you're not a victim of poverty, racism or the bump, but a victim of the man you who has manipulated you into thinking you love him and want to start a life with him. If you can't wake up to that, then I hope somehow you're able to prove us all wrong. Good luck.
99.9% of the responses on here are extremely honest and helpful. Where do you get off thinking none of us understand "the poor life"?
Folks are responding directly to the things you are saying, offering amazing advice and support, despite the fact you already knew what you were going to do in the first place. (There's a name for people that do that. They're called "askholes" - you know, the person who is always asking for advice, but they already know what they're going to do anyway and brush off the advice.) No one has been holier-than-thou or judgmental. We've all be quite the opposite and very supportive of you.
There are major concerns being addressed. The closet is an issue. I've lived in many 1 bedroom apartments and I can tell you that those "big, walk-in closets" aren't really that big. It's still a closet. I agree with making do with what you have, but there are much better alternatives, like keeping him in a bassinet in the bedroom. A closet isn't safe and no newborn should be put in the closet.
The age is a major concern. You're almost half his age, and still a child, and not the first woman he's gotten pregnant. I'm sorry, maybe this is judgmental, and I apologize for that, but an almost 30 year old having a sexual relationship with a 16 year old is disgusting and borderline pedophilia. What it is, factually, is statutory rape. Did you jump right into a sexual relationship with him? Were you acutally 15 when you started dating? What man that age can engage in that type of relationship knowingly and find nothing concerning about it?
You said you're trying to make the best of the situation you were "thrown into". You weren't thrown into this situation. You made a decision, and your boyfriend was a creep enough to allow you to fall into it. Is he really a "great guy?" Really? A grown man who couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants, or be smart enough to use a damn condom, not giving a sh*t about the innocence or childhood he took away from a child? Yes, you're still a child (no offense). You should be worrying about finals, school dances, etc, not raising a child. I'm sickened by what he did to you.
I truly, truly feel sorry for you. I don't mean this post rude or hateful, so please don't think that. I'm very saddened that you seem to be in an unfortunate situation where you don't see the damage that is and will happen. And I'm very sad that it seems like you don't have family to support you during this time. I'm empathetic to you because I'm 34 and close to delivering my first child, and I'm still not ready mentally or financially. I couldn't imagine taking that on as a teenager and I thank God I didn't have to.
Please, please reach out to people who can help. You may not think you need it now, but you may in the future. I wish you the very best of luck.
I read this entire post and didn't see one comment that was judgy or "holier than thou". These women are clearly concerned for you and your situation. You are a CHILD yourself, and now you're having a child. You should be in SCHOOL getting and education and living your life. He's 28 years old, he's a grown man and should be dating a grown man, not a child. Do you actually believe he "never loved" his ex wife? People don't get married to someone they don't love, he obviously loved her at one point. Don't think he won't leave you too when he finds someone better come along. Please just be careful, a 28 year old who goes for a 16 year old is just disgusting. I'm 29 years old and would NEVER go after a person that much younger than me. They're immature and still children.
I truly hope that everything works out for you.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!OP - I did bring up using your walk in closet as a bedroom before. I will elaborate. I get it, you make do with what you have; however, if you are in a 1-bedroom apartment, the walk-in isn't going to be that big. I certainly question putting 3 children in there. Maybe this stems from being an architect and studying building codes and how they have changed and why they have changed. I can't help but to think of decades ago in New York where there were big families in small housing with no natural ventilation. So much disease and illness spread quickly. I'm not saying that this is 100% your situation, but natural ventilation is huge and necessary for the health and well being of your baby and the other children. I will also add that there is huge concerns in the event of a fire, you literally could be trapping the kids in a closet with no escape route.
The bigger issue here is your "fiance" - this isn't a good situation for you. This isn't safe. You are blinded by your naivety. What is this man going to teach your son? Would you HONESTLY be okay if your son were to date a 16 year old at the age of 28 knowing that he is committing statutory rape?
You have continuously thanked the women on here for their responses, and yet, said that you've made up your mind. Have you stopped to consider that these women might just be right? Rather than being defensive about your relationship, open your mind to the possibility that we are speaking the truth. We have years on you. We have experienced (directly and indirectly) things that you are going through and things that you cannot possibly imagine yet. Your number 1 priority right now NEEDS to be your baby and making sure he's in a safe environment. There are resources available to help you, I sincerely hope you take advantage of them.
It just dawned on me that I am 28. I could never imagine engaging in a relationship with a 16 year old child. It is MY responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen, not the hypothetical 16 year old. I am the adult in the situation. I am the one that would "seduce" aka manipulate a child to fall for me, sleep with me, impregnate me, etc. Not one ounce of it would be his fault. I would be the one able to make an easy and clean getaway since I have age, experience, a job, etc. in my favor - not the 16 year old whose youth, education and potential life/job experience I essentially stole. I would have the upper hand in this inappropriate relationship. I would know it and I would use it to my advantage.
I am only saying this to express to you that not one single person here is judging you or acting holier than thou or anything like that. We ALL think you are a victim. We ALL wish you the best. We ALL want you to excel and for you and your son to live a happy and healthy life. However NONE of us think that any of those things will happen in your current situation.
There is a saying that goes something like "It's never too late to go home again." I am not sure what your family situation is, but if you have ANYONE that could help you - a mother, grandparent, aunt, best friend's family - PLEASE try and start building those relationships JUST IN CASE something happens and you are left destitute. From my understanding, you will have nothing if anything happens between you and your SO. No education, no money, no job, no life skills. At the very least, you may need help with your LO and stepchildren while learning how to care for a baby, so reach out now and rekindle those relationships where you can. If your SO has a problem with this, that is a big giant RED FLAG that he is trying to isolate you from your loved ones. RUN if this is the case.
I - and everyone here - truly wish you all of the luck in the world. It's often easier to see clarity in a situation when it does not directly affect you. I hope that you can understand that this is the case for all of us trying to give you advice.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
I'm not saying that this situation in particular is ideal - my best friend ended up moving her daughter into her room and sleeping out in the living room because her daughter just got too big - but it's not deadly, as long as she's not closing the door.
Good luck, OP. Having a baby is difficult and a lot of work no matter what age you are, but it really is more difficult when you're too young to have an established career.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Yes, at some point in life "age is just a number", but at this stage in your life you're not at that point.
What really hit me here is though dear, my mom was only 34 when I was 16. That's only six years older than your current "fiance." When your son is 16, you'll only be 32! Four years younger than this man. According to your current relationship, that might make it sound acceptable for you to date your sons' friends. That worries me.
For the sake of your darling baby boy, make sure you have other options. I believe you stated that you guys haven't moved in together yet? And you seem like you still talk to your mom, judging by your other posts as well. Where and with whom are you living with now, and do they know you are planning on moving out, and can they leave space for you in case you need to come back? You can be a great mom, if you have the chance to be. I'm worried that this "fiance" of yours isn't going to help you with that.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green