I''m not even sure how to title this but I'm feeling pretty alone here

0SeaMonkey0 · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:
@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

Telling someone that they are behaving in a way that is mean and may be hurtful to others is not the same as being mean yourself. I'm going to bow out of this conversation now because it's getting us nowhere but I feel very strongly that I did the right thing by standing up for the OP who came looking for advice about a really difficult situation and had her feelings invalidated instead. Be blunt where it's needed, be snarky when appropriate, but what this lady needed was compassion, understanding and real advice. I haven't read all the long posts in this thread but I think there were some good responses in there so I hope that helped.

lizzybt · October 2015

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

0SeaMonkey0 said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.
Telling someone that they are behaving in a way that is mean and may be hurtful to others is not the same as being mean yourself. I'm going to bow out of this conversation now because it's getting us nowhere but I feel very strongly that I did the right thing by standing up for the OP who came looking for advice about a really difficult situation and had her feelings invalidated instead. Be blunt where it's needed, be snarky when appropriate, but what this lady needed was compassion, understanding and real advice. I haven't read all the long posts in this thread but I think there were some good responses in there so I hope that helped.

Except that you made completely baseless and unfair assumptions about my own personal situation. That is not at all kind, constructive or practicing what you preach. In stead you decided to go on the attack against me when I wasn't even going after the OP in a way that could even be construed as a mean-spirited post. I was simply gathering information. That is not to say that I wasn't going to come back with support, compassion and whatever else with the information from OP once she responded. Instead, you off half-cocked assuming stuff that isn't even remotely true. It drives me nuts when folks get to defending posters that need no defense because there was no attacking going on in the first place. @0seakmonkey0 You were completely off base making assumptions about me and I think an apology would be prudent.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thanks, we have talked about it and continue to talk about it. He tries to understand but doesn't quite get it. My expectations are basically what you just described your sex life to be, once a week or every other week would be nice. There have been times we've gone an entire month without sex. I think we both have grown indifferent to it. Maybe that is normal for us but it doesn't feel like it should be.

chanfa said:

Before TTC, my husband and I would have sex maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I don't know what your expectations are for a "normal" couple. I would consider my relationship with him as normal and neither of us have experience the same worries or issues as you currently feel right now.

I would definitely echo some of the PPs and talk openly with your husband about your relationship in regards to sex and leave out the whole TTC part. Right now, we are all unsure of what your husbands actual movtiations are and only he can tell you what they are. It takes both of you guys to get pregnant and if you are having trouble talking about this now, you really need to work it out before throwing a third into the mix.

Lulucooks · October 2015

So, I have a higher sex drive then my fiance. He would probably go all month without sex. I could go multiple times a week. What I did, was talk to him. Then asked him how I could help, then did the things he told me to do. If he initiates sex I don't think horrible things of him, because I love him and know he's doing it because he wants to. If he didnt, he wouldnt. Guys work differently than we do, if he is truly not interested or doesn't want to or tired or stressed or too drunk, it won't work. I say quit thinking your husband is using you and realize he probably just wants to make an effort, yes even after 6.5 years. Sometimes all it takes is one small thing to make people realize how they've been acting and for them to change. So long as the change is positive, go with it.

addyplusone · October 2015

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

lizzybt · October 2015

I hear you, it is a little off putting hearing from some telling me I shouldn't be bringing a child into this world with this issue. I agree, to an extent. But I agree with you too, nothing will be perfect and honestly up until now our sex life hasn't gotten in the way of us working together as a team on other issues and I don't see how choosing not to have a child right now would affect or harm them. I wouldn't divorce him over this, I certainly don't feel like I need to get it from elsewhere either. I just "deal" with it. I used to fight with him about it but now I have gotten used to our lack of sex life but trying to TTC has opened a new can of worms.
jhems776 said:

One other thought, I know our frequency issue will be a forever issue and we will always work on it and it will never go away and I feel fully confident in our TTC. If you are supposed to wait till your relationship is perfect very few would TTC, just as long as divorce is not a thought.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thanks for the advice! addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

lizzybt · October 2015

Thank you Lulucooks said:

So, I have a higher sex drive then my fiance. He would probably go all month without sex. I could go multiple times a week. What I did, was talk to him. Then asked him how I could help, then did the things he told me to do. If he initiates sex I don't think horrible things of him, because I love him and know he's doing it because he wants to. If he didnt, he wouldnt. Guys work differently than we do, if he is truly not interested or doesn't want to or tired or stressed or too drunk, it won't work. I say quit thinking your husband is using you and realize he probably just wants to make an effort, yes even after 6.5 years. Sometimes all it takes is one small thing to make people realize how they've been acting and for them to change. So long as the change is positive, go with it.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.

In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

ShallowSeas · October 2015

addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

I agree with this 100% Sex for ttc can become chore-like and boring if you don't keep things interesting. Have you talked to him about what he's into or wants to try? Wear sexy lingerie, buy some toys, light some candles, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, lots of foreplay. Have fun with it.

chrlyr · October 2015

I don't know if you're using the "intercourse only" definition of sex, but could you try to do other things? Oral, mutual masturbation, whatever else you can think of/are into? Like PPs have said, spice it up a bit to see if that gets him going.

chanfa · October 2015

lizzybt said:

Thanks, we have talked about it and continue to talk about it. He tries to understand but doesn't quite get it. My expectations are basically what you just described your sex life to be, once a week or every other week would be nice. There have been times we've gone an entire month without sex. I think we both have grown indifferent to it. Maybe that is normal for us but it doesn't feel like it should be.

chanfa said:

Before TTC, my husband and I would have sex maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I don't know what your expectations are for a "normal" couple. I would consider my relationship with him as normal and neither of us have experience the same worries or issues as you currently feel right now.

I would definitely echo some of the PPs and talk openly with your husband about your relationship in regards to sex and leave out the whole TTC part. Right now, we are all unsure of what your husbands actual movtiations are and only he can tell you what they are. It takes both of you guys to get pregnant and if you are having trouble talking about this now, you really need to work it out before throwing a third into the mix.

@lizzbt I have also gone a month without sex and that is not due to any other reason except both of us are tired from work or other things. I don't think how frequent a couple has sex should have any bearing on how good the relationship is between two people. To some, I understand it is important for intimacy but for me it is doesn't because hugging or kissing is enough.

That is good that both of you guys continue to talk about it and I hope the things you told us, you have also mentioned to him. I can't and shouldn't tell you how to feel about sex, except that maybe TTC should be put on hold for now. I really do hope that you two can work this out and I expect it will take some time to work it out since this has been happening for such a long time. Maybe a third part counselor would help? I hope things work out for you and you two can come to common ground

jsassy · October 2015

I heard one time around these parts that sex clothes from The Walmart work like a charm.

lizzybt · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

Lulucooks · October 2015

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.

In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

---qbf---

You don't think much of your husband, do you?

jhems776 · October 2015

severmilli12 said:

addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

I agree with this 100% Sex for ttc can become chore-like and boring if you don't keep things interesting. Have you talked to him about what he's into or wants to try? Wear sexy lingerie, buy some toys, light some candles, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, lots of foreplay. Have fun with it.

I need to interject in the this doesn't work for all and it is kind of like people telling you to "relax and you will get KUed right away!"

lizzybt · October 2015

I don't know what that is supposed to mean? I don't think much of him? I love him a lot and I want to start a family with him. We work together on issues and we'e even trying to on this one. I was just looking for some advice because he has no idea what to say or do and I'm feeling a little.... well... broken. Lulucooks said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.
---qbf--- You don't think much of your husband, do you?

lizzybt · October 2015

I'm not concerned that TTC sex is boring. My concern was that my husband only wants to have sex with me to have a child.... we didn't have sex very much before and now he wants to do it more often. Kind of takes away from the feeling that he desires me. I'm not an animal, I don't have sex just to procreate lol jhems776 said:

severmilli12 said:

addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

I agree with this 100% Sex for ttc can become chore-like and boring if you don't keep things interesting. Have you talked to him about what he's into or wants to try? Wear sexy lingerie, buy some toys, light some candles, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, lots of foreplay. Have fun with it.

I need to interject in the this doesn't work for all and it is kind of like people telling you to "relax and you will get KUed right away!"

lizzybt · October 2015

ari11 said:

I just want to send you virtual hugs!! I'm sorry you're feeling this and I hope you and your husband are able to resolve it. I don't have specific advice, but I do want to let you know I understand what you're saying. Hugs again!!

Thanks a bunch!!

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

@lizzybt : Ok, I hear what you are saying. BUT. and this is a huge BUT...

It sounds like you resent him for the previous sex-less relationship and are holding it against him that he hasn't shaped up before now. That's entirely unfair because he cannot change the past.

Again, I'm not trying to sound harsh-- but you knew about his lack of desire and what made him happy with regards to sex frequency BEFORE you married him. You knew about it for a long time and expecting it to change over-night or for the long term is just not reasonable. I understand that is what you want but it sounds like you and your husband are not sexually compatible without some very real work involved. The work will be constant as well. It sounds like you have an issue with this.

I think that is why others recommended putting TTC on hold. The reason? You don't want to bring a child into a house full of resentment and bad vibes. A baby will not help in the sex department. If anything, it will be one more reason for your husband (and you) to avoid sex. In my experience sex after kids takes more effort to keep up energy levels and desire. If your husband is happy with the sex frequency-- its unfair to ask him to change just because that is what makes you happy. Do you see where I'm coming from?

Again, its different if this was a temporary thing (after illness or children). This has been a theme in your relationship and I can sense your resentment. Your feelings are not invalid, but I can't say its fair to your husband in this instance.

I'm not completely unfeeling for your situation. All the sex issues in my marriage happened after DS was born, but I've had a lot go on (family members die, my mother is ill and my pain problems have increased). This sounds like a permanent fixture in your marriage and if you are not happy about it-- no amount of badgering, TTC or babies is going to fix this.

addyplusone · October 2015

jhems776 said:

severmilli12 said:

addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

I agree with this 100% Sex for ttc can become chore-like and boring if you don't keep things interesting. Have you talked to him about what he's into or wants to try? Wear sexy lingerie, buy some toys, light some candles, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, lots of foreplay. Have fun with it.

I need to interject in the this doesn't work for all and it is kind of like people telling you to "relax and you will get KUed right away!"

Its actually just an option. Like try to see if it works, if not cool. In fact I told her that she isn't doing anything wrong. That's all she wanted was options to try. So I gave her one that I myself am trying for my issue.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · October 2015

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

So, first and foremost I think we've established that this isn't about TTC. You're dissatisfied with the amount of sex your having. Period. Baby or not. Yes? But here's the thing: You've been asking for more sex for six years, haven't been getting it and decided to stick with this relationship forever, regardless. I assume that's because the rest of the relationship is great but that's neither here nor there. You knew what you were signing up for. Complaining about it now is really confusing to me. Maybe you thought you'd just get used to it? Maybe you thought it'd change, for some strange reason? I don't know but there's something else deeper going on here that you and your DH need to confront somehow--either with his sex drive or your satisfaction of the relationship or maybe something else in your life is making you feel lonely and depressed and you're focusing it on the sex thing but it's not really about that? My DH and I have had some big life things happen that made me feel down and lonely and impacted our sex life, but it wasn't REALLY about our sex life. It was about the other things.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

So, first and foremost I think we've established that this isn't about TTC. You're dissatisfied with the amount of sex your having. Period. Baby or not. Yes? But here's the thing: You've been asking for more sex for six years, haven't been getting it and decided to stick with this relationship forever, regardless. I assume that's because the rest of the relationship is great but that's neither here nor there. You knew what you were signing up for. Complaining about it now is really confusing to me. Maybe you thought you'd just get used to it? Maybe you thought it'd change, for some strange reason? I don't know but there's something else deeper going on here that you and your DH need to confront somehow--either with his sex drive or your satisfaction of the relationship or maybe something else in your life is making you feel lonely and depressed and you're focusing it on the sex thing but it's not really about that? My DH and I have had some big life things happen that made me feel down and lonely and impacted our sex life, but it wasn't REALLY about our sex life. It was about the other things.

Very good points.

lizzybt · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I wanted more sex in the past because my husband should want to get intimate with me, you know, do what normal couples do, not JUST because he wants to have a baby. That's my complaint

0SeaMonkey0 said:

I don't understand? :-?? You complain that you don't have a lot of sex. Then you decide to TTC & sex gets a boost-- problem solved? What does your husband say about the feeling that he's only having sex with you more often to make a baby? That would offend me if my partner accused me of "a means to an end" when I tried to fix the sex frequency issue. Maybe he just is making more of an effort because he knows it bothers you & it has nothing to do with TTC? Your post sounds very, I can't describe it-- wishy-washy? Nit-picky? You wanted more sex & now you have more sex. What is the REAL issue?
This comes off as a really mean response to someone who needs support right now. I TOTALLY get her feelings and her concerns. If you don't, maybe you should just a scroll by. You don't have to have a say on everything.

@lizzybt : you seem very concerned with what is "normal" for other couples. I hear that you want your husband to desire you. That's not a crime and I understand that completely. However, nothing you've said indicates that he doesn't desire you? That's where I'm confused. Your husband has sex with you on the regular now. Is it mechanical? Does he seem warm and attentive when you engage in sex? I'm really not trying to be unsupportive. I honestly don't see where you think he's just having sex with you to make a baby? Perhaps he heard you and wants to make sex a more routine thing for the good of your marriage?

As others have said, he could have low testosterone or depression. There are a number of things that can zap desire. My response was not meant to be tone deaf or lacking in sympathy, but at the same time-- the wall of text seemed to indicate that you are dissatisfied no matter what your husband does and that is not fair to him. Do you see where I'm coming from here? You were unhappy with sex prior to TTC. Now you are STILL unhappy with more frequent sex.

If TTC were off the table, do you think he would still have as much sex with you? Have you asked him?

I totally get where you are coming from! I even told him, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. And here's why, he already set the precedent. Aside from sex, haven't you ever wanted something from someone whether it was flowers, an apology, a favor etc. and you asked for it, they gave it to you but then felt like it wasn't from the heart, especially an apology, if you have to ask for one and they give it to you then you know the person may have not meant it they only said sorry because you asked them too. This is kind of the same thing. If he had had sex with me regularly before TTC this wouldn't be an issue. But the way I see is he had 6.5 years to try to improve our sex life and it would for short spurts but then he'd go back to his old sef.

jhems776 · October 2015

I generally do not post this much on one topic but this is a hot button topic for me. When one person wants it more than the other it does not mean the relationship is bad, one person has low hormones, someone isn't trying hard or creatively enough, maybe they are gay, life is hard, etc. We have struggled with this for years and it took until there was an understanding: I believe him when he says it is not me, I have let go what most people says is a good amount of sex, I stopped trying to "spice it up" thinking that would help, and I take care of my own needs when he isn't in the mood. This doesn't mean that on occasion feelings don't get hurt feels and we get upset. You can love the other person completely but still be a bit sad about certain things. Before we started to TTC I had to have the conversation with him that we would have to have a lot more and he agreed and has honestly worked on increasing frequency. I have felt the same way that "eh is he doing this just because of a baby?." For me I didn't care as much and treasure the non FW times. Knowing my FW has been amazing because we could not do EOD the whole month, a week is a bit much. At the end of the day everyone needs to decide what they can and cannot accept and go from there.

LadyMillil · October 2015

SNIP

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

It's easy to slack off on things. Have you never decided to do something, keep it up for awhile, but slowly slack off? I do this with cleaning the bathroom, DH does it with washing dishes, we both do it in regards to sex frequency. When we aren't happy because one of us has slacked off, we talk about it and start putting in the effort again. Life happens and sometimes things get dropped until a new conversation about more effort happens.

lizzybt · October 2015

PrimRoseMama said:

LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

So, first and foremost I think we've established that this isn't about TTC. You're dissatisfied with the amount of sex your having. Period. Baby or not. Yes? But here's the thing: You've been asking for more sex for six years, haven't been getting it and decided to stick with this relationship forever, regardless. I assume that's because the rest of the relationship is great but that's neither here nor there. You knew what you were signing up for. Complaining about it now is really confusing to me. Maybe you thought you'd just get used to it? Maybe you thought it'd change, for some strange reason? I don't know but there's something else deeper going on here that you and your DH need to confront somehow--either with his sex drive or your satisfaction of the relationship or maybe something else in your life is making you feel lonely and depressed and you're focusing it on the sex thing but it's not really about that? My DH and I have had some big life things happen that made me feel down and lonely and impacted our sex life, but it wasn't REALLY about our sex life. It was about the other things.

Very good points.

I am very much happy with our relationship which is why I chose to spend forever with him, sex is important in a relationship but it isn't everything. Of course I have mentioned (maybe not in our thread, but to others) that I got used to not having sex, even my sex drive isn't like it used to be. I accepted our sex life for what it is.... or so I thought. This TTC literally opened a can of worms. Before this relationship I was in a long term relationship to a guy who was a porn/sex addict. It really went from night and day. i never hold that against my husband but it was hard in the beginning, I craved sex all the time because that is what i was used to. Like I said, I've gotten used to not having much sex, it's a habit.

noelietrex · October 2015

*Internet hugs* you are not alone. We all have sex issues come up, and we all have our work in progress issues. Anyone who is married knows that some things are magic and rainbows, and some things are points of pain that will always need attention and compromise. It sounds like you might be having a hard time talking to your husband about all of the feelings surrounding this new stage. Sex is a touchy subject and we all have our egos mixed up in it and talking about it can lead to hurt feelings if not done just so. The first thing I would do is give your husband the benefit of the doubt. You said he is definitely attracted to you, and that's a great place to start! He's probably just as excited as you about the prospect of starting and family, and maybe that was just the right motivation for him to want to put in the extra effort to express how attracted he is by upping the frequency of sex. If so that's not forced, that's a great positive reaction and totally normal! Sex takes emotional energy, and physical energy. It could be that before he was using up that physical and emotional energy focusing elsewhere, and now he is realizing it's a priority to save some of that for when he gets home. I'm not saying that there isn't a time to see a doctor about his testosterone and sperm count, but I am saying it's probably not advisable to lead with that. Work out how you feel about this on your own, maybe do some journaling or meditation. Then work out what it is you're looking for from your husband. That way you can consciously decide when and how to best approach him to ask for what you want. Remember that meeting half way is success. Also just starting an open dialogue is success. In all likelihood you probably don't need an insemenation. You're not in it alone. It's not abnormal to have sex as frequently or infrequently as you feel. As the ladies here have mentioned, track your basal body temperature. You have a 3-5 day window and if you can get your once a month in there, that's all it takes to have a chance conceiving! Also for your comfort and because it just makes things more fun, why not try some preseed lube? It's helpful with sperm mobility and a little extra wetness can be a game changer. Good luck to you. You're not alone. Start temping and join us on the WTO and TWW boards- lots of support to be had there!

addyplusone · October 2015

jhems776 said:
I generally do not post this much on one topic but this is a hot button topic for me. When one person wants it more than the other it does not mean the relationship is bad, one person has low hormones, someone isn't trying hard or creatively enough, maybe they are gay, life is hard, etc. We have struggled with this for years and it took until there was an understanding: I believe him when he says it is not me, I have let go what most people says is a good amount of sex, I stopped trying to "spice it up" thinking that would help, and I take care of my own needs when he isn't in the mood. This doesn't mean that on occasion feelings don't get hurt feels and we get upset. You can love the other person completely but still be a bit sad about certain things. Before we started to TTC I had to have the conversation with him that we would have to have a lot more and he agreed and has honestly worked on increasing frequency. I have felt the same way that "eh is he doing this just because of a baby?." For me I didn't care as much and treasure the non FW times. Knowing my FW has been amazing because we could not do EOD the whole month, a week is a bit much. At the end of the day everyone needs to decide what they can and cannot accept and go from there.

I'm sorry that this hit a sour spot for you. That wasn't my intention. I only have advice based on where I am at.

lizzybt · October 2015

noelietrex said:

*Internet hugs* you are not alone. We all have sex issues come up, and we all have our work in progress issues. Anyone who is married knows that some things are magic and rainbows, and some things are points of pain that will always need attention and compromise. It sounds like you might be having a hard time talking to your husband about all of the feelings surrounding this new stage. Sex is a touchy subject and we all have our egos mixed up in it and talking about it can lead to hurt feelings if not done just so. The first thing I would do is give your husband the benefit of the doubt. You said he is definitely attracted to you, and that's a great place to start! He's probably just as excited as you about the prospect of starting and family, and maybe that was just the right motivation for him to want to put in the extra effort to express how attracted he is by upping the frequency of sex. If so that's not forced, that's a great positive reaction and totally normal! Sex takes emotional energy, and physical energy. It could be that before he was using up that physical and emotional energy focusing elsewhere, and now he is realizing it's a priority to save some of that for when he gets home. I'm not saying that there isn't a time to see a doctor about his testosterone and sperm count, but I am saying it's probably not advisable to lead with that. Work out how you feel about this on your own, maybe do some journaling or meditation. Then work out what it is you're looking for from your husband. That way you can consciously decide when and how to best approach him to ask for what you want. Remember that meeting half way is success. Also just starting an open dialogue is success. In all likelihood you probably don't need an insemenation. You're not in it alone. It's not abnormal to have sex as frequently or infrequently as you feel. As the ladies here have mentioned, track your basal body temperature. You have a 3-5 day window and if you can get your once a month in there, that's all it takes to have a chance conceiving! Also for your comfort and because it just makes things more fun, why not try some preseed lube? It's helpful with sperm mobility and a little extra wetness can be a game changer. Good luck to you. You're not alone. Start temping and join us on the WTO and TWW boards- lots of support to be had there!

Thank you so much!

LoveIsOwlYouNeed · October 2015

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

LoveIsOwlYouNeed said:

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

I don't want to pick a fight, but I did think your comment was harsh saying I was nick picking and wishy washy. I wasn't trying to be. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have sex and lots of it but on a different circumstance. It wouldn't be a problem if lots of sex was the norm for us but it isn't. And I'm not trying to set high expectations, I never expected my husband to have sex with me daily or several times a week before TTC or now, but more than once a month would have been appreciated. I want him to have sex with me regularly because he finds me desirable, not just because he wants to have a baby. I'm sorry If you don't understand, I have no other way to explain my feelings and the situation. I've spoken with my husband before resorting to posting this but he doesn't quite understnad, he tries but he doesn't get it, and that is okay. Other women on here get what I'm saying and have been very helpful. PrimRoseMama said:

@0seamonkey0 : Also, isn't it ironic that you are calling me mean etc. then telling me I should be "kind"? It reminds me of the newbies that go off about how we should all be supportive and stuff-- then go BSC with the name calling etc. Practice what you preach. I may be straightforward, blunt etc. but at least I'm consistent. Your post finger wagging me and calling me mean was not at all kind.

@lizzybt : I was simply communicating what your original post communicated to me. If I'm confused, then I imagine your husband must be as well. You said you wanted more sex and he's trying to give it to you. I empathize with wanting your husband to desire you, but again, you've said nothing to indicate that he does not desire you.
In fact, the opposite appears to be happening while TTC. He is putting the effort in to make sex happen more frequently. That deserves recognition, don't you think? Instead, you complain that you think he only wants to have sex with you to make a baby. That doesn't seem fair to your husband, in my opinion. Do you see where I'm coming from?

I've been on the other side of the bed, so to speak. I've had low drive since having my son and BF hormones don't help. So I've made a concentrated effort to initiate sex more often. Not just because we want another baby, but because I know my husband has expressed a desire for more sex. It would really hurt me, personally, if my husband accused me of just wanting more sex to make a baby. Its not really fair to assume that that is why he is having more sex with you, is my point. That seems to get missed that I'm pointing out that there seems to be a communication issue here. What does he say when you tell him how you feel about the uptick in sex frequency? Does he seem hurt? Does he seem confused? What is his reaction.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just wondering if you mean what you say and say what you mean. What about the current state of your sex life do you not like? You are having more sex now. Is it the quality of the sex? Duration? Overall emotional feel of sex when it happens?

Also-- to help others too-- when you respond using the quote feature, can you reply underneath the quote as opposed to on top of it? Its hard to follow when you put it up top.

@PrimRoseMama

I get what you're saying, you think I'm accusing my husband of only wanting to have sex with to have a baby and I'm wrong for doing so and that I should be happy that he is trying. And I know I didn't mention this in my post because it was long enough but I feel like my accusation is valid because for 6 years I have badgered on and off about wanting more sex, he'll do it for a little bit but then slack again. I've been with him long enough to know that he is just having more sex just to have a baby. i mean even before we officially started I jokingly nudged him and said you do realize that if you want to have a baby we need to do it more than once a month. Of course he isn't stupid, he knows that. But it was my way of saying let's do this. But in saying that I also realize he isn't having sex to have sex with me, it's for a baby.

So, first and foremost I think we've established that this isn't about TTC. You're dissatisfied with the amount of sex your having. Period. Baby or not. Yes? But here's the thing: You've been asking for more sex for six years, haven't been getting it and decided to stick with this relationship forever, regardless. I assume that's because the rest of the relationship is great but that's neither here nor there. You knew what you were signing up for. Complaining about it now is really confusing to me. Maybe you thought you'd just get used to it? Maybe you thought it'd change, for some strange reason? I don't know but there's something else deeper going on here that you and your DH need to confront somehow--either with his sex drive or your satisfaction of the relationship or maybe something else in your life is making you feel lonely and depressed and you're focusing it on the sex thing but it's not really about that? My DH and I have had some big life things happen that made me feel down and lonely and impacted our sex life, but it wasn't REALLY about our sex life. It was about the other things.

Very good points.

I am very much happy with our relationship which is why I chose to spend forever with him, sex is important in a relationship but it isn't everything. Of course I have mentioned (maybe not in our thread, but to others) that I got used to not having sex, even my sex drive isn't like it used to be. I accepted our sex life for what it is.... or so I thought. This TTC literally opened a can of worms. Before this relationship I was in a long term relationship to a guy who was a porn/sex addict. It really went from night and day. i never hold that against my husband but it was hard in the beginning, I craved sex all the time because that is what i was used to. Like I said, I've gotten used to not having much sex, it's a habit.

When a can of worms gets opened, you have to deal with it. With your husband. Not an internet forum. Either one-on-one, or with a counselor. Otherwise you need to let it go. It's really not fair to him to stew over this without talking to him or trying to fix it somehow. If you're not willing to talk to him or fix it, that's a decision you made and you have to accept it. Those are your choices: confront it or let it go. Otherwise it will impact your relationship.

I am tired of saying the same thing over and over in different ways. So for my own sanity, this is the last time I will say it: you and your DH need to talk about this and all the things related to this. Possibly with a counselor. Otherwise you need to decide that all the good outweighs the bad and you're willing to walk away from this fight. Even then, I think you need to talk to someone about how you, personally, can not fixate on this so much. A professional someone. Not internet strangers.

jhems776 · October 2015

@addyplusone I'm sorry if I came off harsh and maybe it can work for them. It is sore spot for me, as I posted it was a big issue and when I confided in people I kept getting the wear this or that and I tried, didn't work and I just wanted to explode when more people kept telling to be sexy. If wearing something could fix low drive I would have a wardrobe full. Over the years I have come across several other women in the same situation and all have tried the outfits and for almost all of them it didn't work and it makes us feel worse than before. But I do agree it is worth a try.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

@lizzybt said: "I totally get where you are coming from! I even told him, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. And here's why, he already set the precedent. Aside from sex, haven't you ever wanted something from someone whether it was flowers, an apology, a favor etc. and you asked for it, they gave it to you but then felt like it wasn't from the heart, especially an apology, if you have to ask for one and they give it to you then you know the person may have not meant it they only said sorry because you asked them too. This is kind of the same thing. If he had had sex with me regularly before TTC this wouldn't be an issue. But the way I see is he had 6.5 years to try to improve our sex life and it would for short spurts but then he'd go back to his old sef. "

What I'm hearing is that you don't want to feel like you are forcing him to be intimate with you more often. However, you kind of are forcing him because that is not his natural rhythm or desire. He's been doing it for you even though it goes against his nature and because he wants you to know that he's trying. Even if it is "just for a baby". That's still your husband putting effort into the situation. It seems really in poor form to take a huge dump all over his efforts because he hasn't been doing what you feel he "should have been doing" all along.

A little bit of a different situation, but not totally unrelated. My MIL is a real battle-axe. She's basically hated me because I'm not the Asian doctor she wanted her son to marry. Ever since I've been with him its been a trial and very taxing to deal with his mother's lack of filter and constant harping. I knew what it was going to be like when I married him. I did it anyway. Yes, its still sucky but honestly I have to suck it up and deal with it because I knew what in the world I was in for. His BSC mother makes me nuts, but its not fair for me to hold it over his head.

My husband has a higher sex drive than me. We were somewhat compatible before we had children but my drive took a huge hit after kids. I do my best to keep up with him, but honestly its difficult for me. I would be CRUSHED if he held the last 4 years of my attempts to keep up with his drive as a failure. Like, when does it "count" for you? My husband and I talk about it frequently and I tell him the truth-- I really am trying and it honestly has nothing to do with him as a partner. It has to do with me, my personal chemistry and fatigue. He's seen what I've gone through so really he doesn't badger me. He just expresses his needs when we do talk about it. If your husband knows he's damned no matter what he does-- that might create a very real core of resentment for him.

I feel for you because you are unhappy and you want to feel more sexually valued. That must hurt and be terribly frustrating.
I also feel for your husband who can't change who he is or what is sexual desires are. It might hurt him that he feels like he can't please you even when he's making a very concerted effort.

I don't like to tell folks about good times to have kids, but in your situation @lizzybt -- I think TTC should be put on hold and y'all should go through some marriage counseling. Specifically with a specialist in sexual issues. Your husband can get a physical and see if there are not some hormonal situations going on. If nothing else if he has untreated depression he can get that looked at for a quality of life that extends outside of the bedroom.

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, I'm really not. I just don't see a reasonable expectation here. You want us all to agree with you and tell your husband to do something different-- but we can't do that. Sex should be a mutually satisfiying arrangement.

addyplusone · October 2015

jhems776 said:
@addyplusone I'm sorry if I came off harsh and maybe it can work for them. It is sore spot for me, as I posted it was a big issue and when I confided in people I kept getting the wear this or that and I tried, didn't work and I just wanted to explode when more people kept telling to be sexy. If wearing something could fix low drive I would have a wardrobe full. Over the years I have come across several other women in the same situation and all have tried the outfits and for almost all of them it didn't work and it makes us feel worse than before. But I do agree it is worth a try.

Nope. Completely understand where you are coming from! I'm sorry again!

ShallowSeas · October 2015

jhems776 said:

severmilli12 said:

addyplusone said:

Try making it more romantic and fun! Take the chocolate and whip cream in the room. (No I don't do this all the time, but when things need a little spice absolutely! ) Pull out all the stops to put fun into it!! I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong now, it just may help you feeling like he is just doing it for baby. I'm going to be doing these as well because it feels like a chore at times.

I agree with this 100% Sex for ttc can become chore-like and boring if you don't keep things interesting. Have you talked to him about what he's into or wants to try? Wear sexy lingerie, buy some toys, light some candles, have sex somewhere other than the bedroom, lots of foreplay. Have fun with it.

I need to interject in the this doesn't work for all and it is kind of like people telling you to "relax and you will get KUed right away!"

You're right. It absolutely does not work for all, but if she hasn't tried it yet its worth giving it a shot. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work.

jhems776 · October 2015

addyplusone said:

@addyplusone I'm sorry if I came off harsh and maybe it can work for them. It is sore spot for me, as I posted it was a big issue and when I confided in people I kept getting the wear this or that and I tried, didn't work and I just wanted to explode when more people kept telling to be sexy. If wearing something could fix low drive I would have a wardrobe full. Over the years I have come across several other women in the same situation and all have tried the outfits and for almost all of them it didn't work and it makes us feel worse than before. But I do agree it is worth a try.
Nope. Completely understand where you are coming from! I'm sorry again!

@severmilie12 Sorry, should have tagged in the post above too.

ShallowSeas · October 2015

Its okay. I just got back from my lunch break so I'm playing catch up lol @jhems776

ArtlessIbex · October 2015

I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:

Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.

I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.

If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.

I wish you the best.

megstervt · October 2015

@lizzybt

My husband and I have dealt with sex issues in our relationship/marriage as well and I've been on both sides of this issue. I went through a long period of serious depression and as a result had zero sex drive for a long time. We would go months without sex and that, of course, has had a lasting impact on our relationship. It's very difficult when one person just simply doesn't want to. Now that we are TTC, my husband has flat out said that he is worried I want sex more only because I want to have a baby and that he is afraid of what will happen once I'm pregnant. I have explained that I am in better place mentally/emotionally, and for me personally, the more sex I have the more I want it.

I think you guys need to talk more. I think these types of conversations happen over and over and are on going, it's not something you will solve or feel better about after one conversation. Actions speak louder than words, maybe your husband will continue to initiate and want sex more then more often you guys are having it.

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