I''m not even sure how to title this but I'm feeling pretty alone here

lizzybt

ArtlessIbex said:

lizzybt said:

Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!! 

There is no way to delete a post.

ETA: The ladies here are pretty common sense, and nobody has been rude.  They've asked questions and requested some explanations, but that is natural.  You have a complicated situation. 

I welcome questions but telling me I need therapy or I need to reexamine my marriage or I shouldn't be TTC is kind of rude . I just wanted to know if I was the only one out there and clearly I'm not. 

marajay6

lizzybt said:

tripledaggerWed95976 said:

lizzybt said:

bsckgb7 said:

I didn't say it wasn't working for me.  I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used".  You seem awfully defensive?  

Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals

I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling

I'm interpreting all sex as TTC because as I said before, we were doing it once a month so the only rational reason for the increased frequency is TTC but what I'm getting at is why now? He had 6.5 years to have sex with me as much as he wanted and the only reason he is doing it for a baby then I assume it will go back to our old once a month once i do get pregnant 


Edited: quote box fail******

I think I am understanding what you are saying: your husband has a much lower sex drive than you and over time you just tolerated it instead of trying to come up with a solution. but now that he wants to have sex more often for TTC purposes, you are realizing that you can no longer simply tolerate his low sex drive when not TTC. As a solution, you want to do IUI so you can continue doing what you have been doing for the past 6 years - ignoring the problem of mismatched sex drives. Do you understand how ridiculous that is? in the long run, you and your husband will be much happier if you confront the problem and figure out a solution. I don't know much about IUI, but it seems like a very expensive and unpleasant way to continue avoiding your problems.

Lulucooks

@PrimRoseMama I hope I'm in your "posse"

lizzybt

fwtx5815 said:

Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!! 

Are you referring to me? I've read all the pages, I'm not just jumping into this. You haven't answered the question of what he can do to fix this in the present day. If you just wanted to vent, that's one thing. But it would be helpful to note that at the beginning to save people time.

It's not to you. I was venting/looking for others who had the same issue. To be fair I wasn't asking anyone to fix my issue either

tripledaggerWed95976

I dont think anyone was being rude- I think most of us were legitimately confused. I personally was totally lost by page 3.

marajay6

Also, thinking of IUI as an easier way out is kind of offensive to those who have no other choice.

And you are kinda insulting everyone here to state that increased sex for baby making purposes is like being an animal. We all try our best to HIO during FW.

PrimRoseMama

lizzybt said:

tripledaggerWed95976 said:

bsckgb7 said:

I didn't say it wasn't working for me.  I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used".  You seem awfully defensive?  

Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals

I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling

I'm interpreting all sex as TTC because as I said before, we were doing it once a month so the only rational reason for the increased frequency is TTC but what I'm getting at is why now? He had 6.5 years to have sex with me as much as he wanted and the only reason he is doing it for a baby then I assume it will go back to our old once a month once i do get pregnant 

This is a question only YOUR HUSBAND can answer for you. I'm not sure why you are so caught up in what happened in the past. You are literally poisoning your future sex life. It could be great, frequent and passionate for a little while. However, you are questioning it and making it into something else entirely. That is YOU. That is not your husband's doing it and you are making it seem like somehow he's at fault when he's trying to remedy a problem that you brought up to him. Please please seek therapy and stop TTC. This seems to be a thing that you are morphing and blowing up in your own mind. You need to address it or it will eat at away at the happiness of your marriage overall.

Your sex life MIGHT go back to twice a month while pregnant. You might be so sick and feel so gross that it might go to once every three months. You can't have anything in your vagina after you give birth for 6-8 weeks. Even after that post-partum sex can be excruciating. Your sex life WILL CHANGE.

You really do need to stop being so inflexible about this. Its maddening for me, and I have only known you for half a day. Sex life, frequency, styles and preferences change. Sexuality is fluid and cannot be expected to stay the same forever and ever amen.

ArtlessIbex

lizzybt said:

ArtlessIbex said:

lizzybt said:

Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!! 

There is no way to delete a post.

ETA: The ladies here are pretty common sense, and nobody has been rude.  They've asked questions and requested some explanations, but that is natural.  You have a complicated situation. 

I welcome questions but telling me I need therapy or I need to reexamine my marriage or I shouldn't be TTC is kind of rude . I just wanted to know if I was the only one out there and clearly I'm not. 

You can virtually always be assured that you are never the only one in any situation.  I'm sorry you didn't find the responses you were looking for. 

Lulucooks

marajay6 said:

Also, thinking of IUI as an easier way out is kind of offensive to those who have no other choice.

And you are kinda insulting everyone here to state that increased sex for baby making purposes is like being an animal. We all try our best to HIO during FW.

Also, lots of animals have sex for purely recreational purposes

PrimRoseMama

lizzybt said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lizzybt said:

bsckgb7 said:

I didn't say it wasn't working for me.  I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used".  You seem awfully defensive?  

Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals

@lizzybt OMG NO ONE HAS ATTACKED YOU. If anything you've gotten a lot of very thoughtful, sincere advice. My goodness, this gets up in my craw and aggrevates me.

@primrose then unfollow this, are these your bffs because I've gotten some messages from a few ladies telling me you have a "posse" that follows you around and I'm noticing a theme with some of them. I'm not here for drama I was looking for advice or if others felt the same and clearly some do. The moment I can figure out how to take this down I'm doing it. 

a.) You can't delete a post.
b.) If you want to help others who might be in your boat then you would leave this just as it is. It can help other people just by existing. Please look outside of yourself.
c.) LOL that I have a posse. Hahaha we should have badges. Dude, I am totally doing it. Who wants to be part of my posse?

 

lizzybt

PocketFullofShells said:

ArtlessIbex said:

lizzybt said:

Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!! 

There is no way to delete a post.

ETA: The ladies here are pretty common sense, and nobody has been rude.  They've asked questions and requested some explanations, but that is natural.  You have a complicated situation. 

I welcome questions but telling me I need therapy or I need to reexamine my marriage or I shouldn't be TTC is kind of rude . I just wanted to know if I was the only one out there and clearly I'm not. 

What responses were you hoping to achieve with this post? I shared my experience with you. You know how DH and I started working towards a resolution? By talking to one another and to our doctors. I am sure that if DH and I did not talk or see a doctor and I brought this to an Internet forum, the id have been told to get help. It's not an insult or meant to be rude. It's just not what you want to hear. There is a difference. And by the way, you were extremely offensive about your comments related to IUI - and you still haven't addressed that. remember, respect and support are a two way street.

DutchLucyLu

Lulucooks said:

Also, thinking of IUI as an easier way out is kind of offensive to those who have no other choice. And you are kinda insulting everyone here to state that increased sex for baby making purposes is like being an animal. We all try our best to HIO during FW.

Also, lots of animals have sex for purely recreational purposes

(Y'know, you with your SO, I with mine. )

bumptara

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PrimRoseMama

I don't know. :-?? I really tried to help, but apparently real-world help isn't really what @lizzybt wanted. Oh well, no one can say I didn't give it a shot. Ladies, I'm out.

fwtx5815

Here is the only solution I can see for this situation- and it's actually more something you're going to have to do.

Track your temps and use OPK to figure out your fertile window. Let your husband know when you're in your FW so that you can have sex. Let him know that you would like to have sex outside of your fertile window as well, and that is how you know when he isn't just doing it to knock you up.
Notice that this has more to do with YOUR perspective rather than him doing anything different.

Disclaimer: the temping suggestion was actually mentioned really early on but got buried in the other posts.

PrimRoseMama

fwtx5815 said:

Here is the only solution I can see for this situation- and it's actually more something you're going to have to do. Track your temps and use OPK to figure out your fertile window. Let your husband know when you're in your FW so that you can have sex. Let him know that you would like to have sex outside of your fertile window as well, and that is how you know when he isn't just doing it to knock you up. Notice that this has more to do with YOUR perspective rather than him doing anything different. Disclaimer: the temping suggestion was actually mentioned really early on but got buried in the other posts.

Agree!  This is a great idea. That, and therapy...

PrimRoseMama

PocketFullofShells said:

I wanna be a pink lady, too, @PrimRoseMama !!

Let's do it!

PrimRoseMama

I vote for this thread to become some awesome Grease GIFs or something...

momstahp

Ooooo can this be a Grease gif party??

PrimRoseMama

Would you pull that crap with Annette?!

momstahp

PrimRoseMama

I LOVE YOU ALL PASSIONATELY. :x

ArtlessIbex

momstahp

I think we may all have the same favorite character here...

jsassy

momstahp

MNturnsVA

 If he had had sex with me regularly before TTC this wouldn't be an issue. But the way I see is he had 6.5 years to try to improve our sex life and it would for short spurts but then he'd go back to his old sef. *****

That comment sticks out to me like a sore thumb more than anything else in addition to some of the other comments made about the situation.  If you are expecting him to fix it on his own, that is probably not going to happen.  The work of the improvement is probably going to have to be on both ends of the relationship.

There could be quite a few things wrong with your husband whether its physically, mentally or emotionally.  Maybe he was abused as a child and has never told you? I know we would all like to think that our significant others have shared their deepest darkest secrets with us, but I'm sure there are quite a few relationships out there that have dark secrets yet to be shared.  Is he Catholic by chance?? If so, was he raised in a very strict Catholic home?  I know first hand being raised in a very Catholic family can harbor lots of feelings about sex in general, when it should be done, who it should be done with, really that sex other than sex for procreating purposes is frowned upon.  

Sex is a touchy subject in probably every relationship and if people are fortunate enough to find a mate who is compatible in that level, they are lucky.  I would say for most relationships, one person wants it more than the other but the person who is not as interested usually at some point will make efforts to satisfy the other person's needs.  Which goes back to your original comment about him not putting any effort in.

I think getting to the root of the problem, like others have also suggested via a serious sit down with your husband or with a counselor would be very beneficial in this case.  I would also say that this should done prior to TTC because TTC is stressful enough.

Maybe your DH has performance anxiety and that is why he doesn't like to have sex very much?  Maybe he's afraid he's not doing it to your satisfaction??  Maybe his sex drive is just really low because that is just his sex drive.  Maybe you need to find ways together to try to increase his sex drive, start small with cuddling and kissing and finding what really turns him on.  (again if he was raised Catholic he may not have any idea of what turns him on and what turns him off because in most cases, just saying the word sex and talking about it is a no no).

While I agree with trying to introduce lingerie, toys, the whip cream etc, I also think there is a bigger problem overall that needs to be tackled first and those things are great yes, but those are things to add in after you've have had some serious conversations about what is really going on.

PrimRoseMama

For all my girls in my Posse )