@lizzybt I'm going to have to echo the advice others have suggested of seeing a counselor and possibly getting some professional help. I think every couple has ups and downs in the sexual part of their relationship just like any other part, but what you are describing sounds much much deeper than just a desire for sex or to be sexually desired.
DH and I have had our share of ups and downs. When we started dating, we had a very active sex life. Once we got married, it was like a switch turned off in DH and it seemed like overnight we went from a few times a week to maybe once or twice a month. It seemed really odd since I had this (now I realize unrealistic) expectation that our sex life would be all crazy once we got married. I too started to worry about what was a "normal' amount of sex we were supposed to have, and would basically tally and keep score of how often we did it, then feel sorry for myself because it wasn't "normal". I started resenting him for it and would make passive aggressive comments here and there, or blow up on him. Eventually enough was enough and we saw a counselor. That uncovered a whole world of other issues that we didn't even realize we had, and since we started working on all of those issues, our sex life has done a complete 180. I started to see how naive and unrealistic my expectations were of him, and we started working on building true intimacy and communication rather than just have more sex.
Seriously, it wouldn't hurt to try a counselor. I have a feeling it would be a huge help. And trust me, it will be much harder to try and deal with if you have children or are pregnant.
Also, @primrosemama is super amazing and compassionate, please try to be a little understanding of her genuine effort to help you.
Hi Lizzy! My hubby and I have had similar issues - we did it very infrequently before TTC, like maybe 3 times a month. It was a little awkward transitioning into doing it more frequently (and by that I mean twice a week, we don't have energy for more). However, once we got into the groove it became quite fun and the "new" normal! not sure if we will continue doing it twice a week after I get pregnant or not, but for now I am just enjoying it and embracing the change. It's all in good fun. Don't worry, LOTS of married people don't have sex very frequently - there is nothing wrong with you or him. It's a myth that everyone likes to have sex all the time. My advice is just have fun and enjoy the here & now - spice it up with sexy lingerie or whatever floats his boat! Be happy! Men are turned on by happy, excited women.
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12 M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14 Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
Lfafer
you want to have in your playgroup
* Best Baker * Sweetest Lfafer * Best NBR\GTKY Threads* Most Supportive Lfafer * Best Mom * Lfafer you want organizing your
meal train after birth
So, posters are emotionally ready to have a child with a man... But not in a place, for whatever reason, that you would consider getting married? Or waiting until your actual wedding?
That makes no sense.
Because it's none of your business!!!!!!!! I started typing my reasoning but I don't have to explain myself to you or anyone. I seriously can't believe you are even still trying to pull answers out of anyone.. MYOB lady..
While I agree with you - this was in the wrong post lol
Hahah your quick girl! Idk how that even happened! I was typing on the right one. Had to pause because I'm at work and somehow I hit post and it's on the wrong one... ughhh technology lol and I forgot part of it on the right post. Whatev. F today already. Sorry OP.
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12 M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14 Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
Lfafer
you want to have in your playgroup
* Best Baker * Sweetest Lfafer * Best NBR\GTKY Threads* Most Supportive Lfafer * Best Mom * Lfafer you want organizing your
meal train after birth
@lizzybt : Ok, I hear what you are saying. BUT. and this is a huge BUT...
It sounds like you resent him for the previous sex-less relationship and are holding it against him that he hasn't shaped up before now. That's entirely unfair because he cannot change the past.
Again, I'm not trying to sound harsh-- but you knew about his lack of desire and what made him happy with regards to sex frequency BEFORE you married him. You knew about it for a long time and expecting it to change over-night or for the long term is just not reasonable. I understand that is what you want but it sounds like you and your husband are not sexually compatible without some very real work involved. The work will be constant as well. It sounds like you have an issue with this.
I think that is why others recommended putting TTC on hold. The reason? You don't want to bring a child into a house full of resentment and bad vibes. A baby will not help in the sex department. If anything, it will be one more reason for your husband (and you) to avoid sex. In my experience sex after kids takes more effort to keep up energy levels and desire. If your husband is happy with the sex frequency-- its unfair to ask him to change just because that is what makes you happy. Do you see where I'm coming from?
Again, its different if this was a temporary thing (after illness or children). This has been a theme in your relationship and I can sense your resentment. Your feelings are not invalid, but I can't say its fair to your husband in this instance.
I'm not completely unfeeling for your situation. All the sex issues in my marriage happened after DS was born, but I've had a lot go on (family members die, my mother is ill and my pain problems have increased). This sounds like a permanent fixture in your marriage and if you are not happy about it-- no amount of badgering, TTC or babies is going to fix this.
Woah, the way you are talking with bad vibes and resentment makes it sound like I'm walking around bitter and I shouldn't be having kids because my bitterness is going to affect them. Besides sex we are very much functional and in a happy place. Like I said, I've gotten used to this, I was fine with our lack of sex life until I realized, hey we need to pick it up a little more if we are going to TTC but with that I realized that we wouldn't be having sex because he/we wants to, it's to have a baby and that depresses me a little. I perfectly understand that having children will mean less sex but when you're only having it once a month then IMO I'm not sacrificing a whole lot anyway. And I'm certainly not trying to TTC to fix the sex situation.
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
@lizzybt : Ok, I hear what you are saying. BUT. and this is a huge BUT...
It sounds like you resent him for the previous sex-less relationship and are holding it against him that he hasn't shaped up before now. That's entirely unfair because he cannot change the past.
Again, I'm not trying to sound harsh-- but you knew about his lack of desire and what made him happy with regards to sex frequency BEFORE you married him. You knew about it for a long time and expecting it to change over-night or for the long term is just not reasonable. I understand that is what you want but it sounds like you and your husband are not sexually compatible without some very real work involved. The work will be constant as well. It sounds like you have an issue with this.
I think that is why others recommended putting TTC on hold. The reason? You don't want to bring a child into a house full of resentment and bad vibes. A baby will not help in the sex department. If anything, it will be one more reason for your husband (and you) to avoid sex. In my experience sex after kids takes more effort to keep up energy levels and desire. If your husband is happy with the sex frequency-- its unfair to ask him to change just because that is what makes you happy. Do you see where I'm coming from?
Again, its different if this was a temporary thing (after illness or children). This has been a theme in your relationship and I can sense your resentment. Your feelings are not invalid, but I can't say its fair to your husband in this instance.
I'm not completely unfeeling for your situation. All the sex issues in my marriage happened after DS was born, but I've had a lot go on (family members die, my mother is ill and my pain problems have increased). This sounds like a permanent fixture in your marriage and if you are not happy about it-- no amount of badgering, TTC or babies is going to fix this.
Woah, the way you are talking with bad vibes and resentment makes it sound like I'm walking around bitter and I shouldn't be having kids because my bitterness is going to affect them. Besides sex we are very much functional and in a happy place. Like I said, I've gotten used to this, I was fine with our lack of sex life until I realized, hey we need to pick it up a little more if we are going to TTC but with that I realized that we wouldn't be having sex because he/we wants to, it's to have a baby and that depresses me a little. I perfectly understand that having children will mean less sex but when you're only having it once a month then IMO I'm not sacrificing a whole lot anyway. And I'm certainly not trying to TTC to fix the sex situation.
No, but if a board of internet strangers can feel the "I resent him for years of a basically sexless marriage" vibe through the computer then in person there has to be some manifestation. Also, judging from your responses you were not "fine".
I don't think that TTC at this juncture is wise. You can do what you feel is right, but given just what you've shared here. I would put it on hold.
My bat-signal is tingling. Something feels a little TroLOL about this post the more it goes on. :-?
ETA my link was broken ( Try again.
Me: 31 | H: 32
Married September 2014
TTC #1 December 2014 RE appt 12/2015 CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent Dx: Unexplained Infertility February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6 BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16 It's a girl! Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S -------- TFAS March 2018 RE consultation 8/2/18 Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19 It's a girl! Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
TTC #1 December 2014 RE appt 12/2015 CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent Dx: Unexplained Infertility February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6 BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16 It's a girl! Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S -------- TFAS March 2018 RE consultation 8/2/18 Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19 It's a girl! Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
@lizzybt : Ok, I hear what you are saying. BUT. and this is a huge BUT...
It sounds like you resent him for the previous sex-less relationship and are holding it against him that he hasn't shaped up before now. That's entirely unfair because he cannot change the past.
Again, I'm not trying to sound harsh-- but you knew about his lack of desire and what made him happy with regards to sex frequency BEFORE you married him. You knew about it for a long time and expecting it to change over-night or for the long term is just not reasonable. I understand that is what you want but it sounds like you and your husband are not sexually compatible without some very real work involved. The work will be constant as well. It sounds like you have an issue with this.
I think that is why others recommended putting TTC on hold. The reason? You don't want to bring a child into a house full of resentment and bad vibes. A baby will not help in the sex department. If anything, it will be one more reason for your husband (and you) to avoid sex. In my experience sex after kids takes more effort to keep up energy levels and desire. If your husband is happy with the sex frequency-- its unfair to ask him to change just because that is what makes you happy. Do you see where I'm coming from?
Again, its different if this was a temporary thing (after illness or children). This has been a theme in your relationship and I can sense your resentment. Your feelings are not invalid, but I can't say its fair to your husband in this instance.
I'm not completely unfeeling for your situation. All the sex issues in my marriage happened after DS was born, but I've had a lot go on (family members die, my mother is ill and my pain problems have increased). This sounds like a permanent fixture in your marriage and if you are not happy about it-- no amount of badgering, TTC or babies is going to fix this.
Woah, the way you are talking with bad vibes and resentment makes it sound like I'm walking around bitter and I shouldn't be having kids because my bitterness is going to affect them. Besides sex we are very much functional and in a happy place. Like I said, I've gotten used to this, I was fine with our lack of sex life until I realized, hey we need to pick it up a little more if we are going to TTC but with that I realized that we wouldn't be having sex because he/we wants to, it's to have a baby and that depresses me a little. I perfectly understand that having children will mean less sex but when you're only having it once a month then IMO I'm not sacrificing a whole lot anyway. And I'm certainly not trying to TTC to fix the sex situation.
No, but if a board of internet strangers can feel the "I resent him for years of a basically sexless marriage" vibe through the computer then in person there has to be some manifestation. Also, judging from your responses you were not "fine".
I don't think that TTC at this juncture is wise. You can do what you feel is right, but given just what you've shared here. I would put it on hold.
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
And no, I don't mean nagging.
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
And no, I don't mean nagging.
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
EXACTLY. I'm not sure what more you want from the man.
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
And no, I don't mean nagging.
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
Unless he plans to take the baby and run away, he's not "using" you. You're jointly having a child and growing your family. You two. Together. Yes, the word "using" does make it sounds like you think he's a terrible person. My husband and I have sex more regularly when we're TTC, but not once have I wondered if one of us was being "used". We're both just doing what makes more sense. More sex = more chances to get pregnant.
Also, from someone who has had a child: if you have a baby, it is extremely likely your sex life will take a major hit. Whatever you were having before will probably look like a TON after baby comes.
I'd like to spin this another direction. I am going through the IUI process, OP. I have to wake my husband up in the morning, make him put on a fancy condom and have sex on command. I then have to rush and get dressed and race to the RE (no cuddling now). Don't you think he feels "used" under that same circumstances? I just need him to do his thing in a cup so I can race to the doctor.
Similarly my friend had to leave work early, and have her husband come home at lunch for the same purpose. They have x amount of time to do the deed so she can drive it to the doctors. You don't think both of them feel used, that they are coming home for the sole purpose of getting a specimen and not because they want to enjoy each other? She actually said to me "I feel like a $2 whore". Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am and back to work they go.
So please don't act like IUI is the great and wonderful process that will solve everything.
I'm pretty late to the party, but here are my thoughts:
Putting the weight of your self-opinion on another person is a bit unfair. It's a heavy weight. Some days my husband wants to have sex. Sometimes he doesn't. Am I just as hot and sexy on the days he doesn't? Damn right I am. His level of desire for me on a given day has no actual bearing on my self-worth, not because I don't value his desire, but because my self-worth is in my own head. I'm responsible for it and I maintain it. It doesn't matter what "normal" couples do, because that has nothing to do with us either. We do what we do and it's fabulous because it's us.
I don't know anything about you other than what you've written here, but I'm going to suggest that you enter counseling to be able to draw a division between your husband's desire and your desirability. They are not related. Maybe you go as a couple, maybe by yourself. Either way, I think it would benefit your situation.
If you're not having enough sex because you like sex and want to have more, address that with your husband. If you're not having enough sex because sex is how you feel validated and you need it to know that you're worthy as a human, that's a lot of pressure to put on your husband.
I wish you the best.
That isn't where I was going with it at all. But thanks for trying
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
And no, I don't mean nagging.
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
Okay, so you've discussed this with him, and he doesn't get it. So maybe it's because he actually DOES want to have sex with you.
If every other aspect of your marriage is amazing and great, why now do you think he's lying to you?
Regardless of your answer to that, I think this is a more deep rooted issue that needs to be discussed with you, your husband, and a therapist.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
Unless he plans to take the baby and run away, he's not "using" you. You're jointly having a child and growing your family. You two. Together. Yes, the word "using" does make it sounds like you think he's a terrible person. My husband and I have sex more regularly when we're TTC, but not once have I wondered if one of us was being "used". We're both just doing what makes more sense. More sex = more chances to get pregnant.
Also, from someone who has had a child: if you have a baby, it is extremely likely your sex life will take a major hit. Whatever you were having before will probably look like a TON after baby comes.
No judgment. Let's say the frequency of sex is because he wants a baby. With you. What's the problem?
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
Unless he plans to take the baby and run away, he's not "using" you. You're jointly having a child and growing your family. You two. Together. Yes, the word "using" does make it sounds like you think he's a terrible person. My husband and I have sex more regularly when we're TTC, but not once have I wondered if one of us was being "used". We're both just doing what makes more sense. More sex = more chances to get pregnant.
Also, from someone who has had a child: if you have a baby, it is extremely likely your sex life will take a major hit. Whatever you were having before will probably look like a TON after baby comes.
I'd like to spin this another direction. I am going through the IUI process, OP. I have to wake my husband up in the morning, make him put on a fancy condom and have sex on command. I then have to rush and get dressed and race to the RE (no cuddling now). Don't you think he feels "used" under that same circumstances? I just need him to do his thing in a cup so I can race to the doctor.
Similarly my friend had to leave work early, and have her husband come home at lunch for the same purpose. They have x amount of time to do the deed so she can drive it to the doctors. You don't think both of them feel used, that they are coming home for the sole purpose of getting a specimen and not because they want to enjoy each other? She actually said to me "I feel like a $2 whore". Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am and back to work they go.
So please don't act like IUI is the great and wonderful process that will solve everything.
Wasn't trying to offend you or anyone else.... Different things work for different people. And due to MY PERSONAL experience that was an idea of mine that might help ME. Sorry if it isn't working for YOU
I'd like to spin this another direction. I am going through the IUI process, OP. I have to wake my husband up in the morning, make him put on a fancy condom and have sex on command. I then have to rush and get dressed and race to the RE (no cuddling now). Don't you think he feels "used" under that same circumstances? I just need him to do his thing in a cup so I can race to the doctor.
Similarly my friend had to leave work early, and have her husband come home at lunch for the same purpose. They have x amount of time to do the deed so she can drive it to the doctors. You don't think both of them feel used, that they are coming home for the sole purpose of getting a specimen and not because they want to enjoy each other? She actually said to me "I feel like a $2 whore". Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am and back to work they go.
So please don't act like IUI is the great and wonderful process that will solve everything.
I soo agree with this. My husband and I did 3 iui's and ivf and it caused major problems for us because he felt really wierd about it... like it was totally taking the intimacy out of our marriage and our efforts in ttc. Ttc is so hard- trust me, the further u go into fertility treatments the more u really have to stay on top of maintaining intimacy. Like this poster said, jumping to insemination just because you and ur husband are having sexual issues is not the way to go. Insemination and any other fertility treatments are for couples who have legitimate fertility problems or for people using donor sperm/eggs etc. It's not an answer to problems on the bedroom. As someone who has gone through hard times sexually with my husband I understand it's totally hard and it makes u just want to give up but- if u work on it there can be light at the end of the tunnel. It took my husband and i months to resolve some of our sexual stuff but now that we have our relationship is better than ever.
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Honestly, strangers on the internet won't be able to answer it for you... Not just talking at your husband, but communicating with is going to resolve this. You need to have an open honest conversation with each other about how you *both* feel, and what you *both* want. Lack of sex won't end a marriage (lol, we didn't have sex for a month and a half before we got married, we were both too strung out on the work for the wedding - spoiler, he married me anyway!) but not communicating, or wanting disparate things from the relationship is when things start running into trouble.
Before TTC We ranged anywhere from daily to monthly. Sometimes life happens. Or ... adulting is hard, and wears one or both of out by the end of the day. Even when it's once a month I know, absolutely KNOW that my husband loves me, finds me sexy, and in theory would want to... It's just the "in theory" doesn't always translate to "he stayed up long enough I was done with class work, I had enough energy left and we didn't fall asleep talking / cuddling"
We've been making an effort to make sure we get to the sex part since we've been TTC, and honestly - it isn't as good. Some nights one of us is a little off (or both.) So we are having more *quantity* of sex, but less quality.
He may be in that camp, where he would rather have good sex, where you are both feeling it, than sex for the sake of sex.
It may even be that he wasn't initiating because he didn't think it would be welcomed. You starting it signals him you are... I know I get that from my husband sometimes!
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
He's definitely a quality over quantity guy. That makes sense... thanks! allisun29 said:
Honestly, strangers on the internet won't be able to answer it for you... Not just talking at your husband, but communicating with is going to resolve this. You need to have an open honest conversation with each other about how you *both* feel, and what you *both* want. Lack of sex won't end a marriage (lol, we didn't have sex for a month and a half before we got married, we were both too strung out on the work for the wedding - spoiler, he married me anyway!) but not communicating, or wanting disparate things from the relationship is when things start running into trouble.
Before TTC We ranged anywhere from daily to monthly. Sometimes life happens. Or ... adulting is hard, and wears one or both of out by the end of the day. Even when it's once a month I know, absolutely KNOW that my husband loves me, finds me sexy, and in theory would want to... It's just the "in theory" doesn't always translate to "he stayed up long enough I was done with class work, I had enough energy left and we didn't fall asleep talking / cuddling"
We've been making an effort to make sure we get to the sex part since we've been TTC, and honestly - it isn't as good. Some nights one of us is a little off (or both.) So we are having more *quantity* of sex, but less quality.
He may be in that camp, where he would rather have good sex, where you are both feeling it, than sex for the sake of sex.
It may even be that he wasn't initiating because he didn't think it would be welcomed. You starting it signals him you are... I know I get that from my husband sometimes!
My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me.
I'm stuck on this. How do you know with 100% certainty that he's having sex with you more often because he wants a baby? Has he outright SAID it? I am willing to bet he has not. How is he using you? My husband has more sex with me than we would on average during TTC. Its normal for this to be the case because TTC, generally, means more sex. If you told him you wanted to put TTC on hold, but KEEP the sex frequency, what would he say? Ask him.
Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. This is a non-sequitor. How do you jump from more frequent sex to wanting to do IUI? Especially if its not medically necessary. He would still have to "perform" as frequently and you would miss out on regular, connecting couples' sex. If that is what you are after then why jump to this? Do you want more sex with your husband or you want him to want more sex just because? You already know he's comfortable with less sex than you are. I'm not sure why you are fighting so hard for him to change his sexual needs for you. The amount he wants to have sex does not mean he loves you more or less. Sex does not equal marital value or appreciation for you spouse. Honestly, I value quality sex over frequent sex. You can burn out on too much and it can get to be a chore. So, if you have a great sex life (when you do) why are you pushing so hard to change it? I sense that your fear is that your husband isn't having sex with you because he doesn't love you or find you physically attractive. I doubt this is the case. Its OK for him not to want to have sex as much as you.
For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. So are you not happy with the new frequency? I really am confused. The cycle I conceived DS we had sex twice the whole month. During pregnancy my cervix was sensitive and sex was uncomfortable. I made attempts because I like sex and so does my husband. However, it got to be really an ordeal each time especially towards the end. If your new-found frequency is painful maybe scale back some? Use more lubricant (coconut oil is awesome! as is preseed) and go slow. If you aren't used to more frequent sex than the new frequency could definitely be painful. Are you carrying your resentment over to the act itself? I can see the resentment causing a mental/emotional issue and affecting your lubrication/involvement in the actual intercourse?
Can ya'll relationship build a bit? I'm talking take a weekend away to get a couples' massage and just hump it out at your leisure. No pressure and no alternative agenda. Simply the two of you enjoying each others' bodies as a married couple. Experiment. Get some sexy games and play them. Just enjoy being sexual with one another for fun. Not for baby making. Not to keep score. Just to BE.
I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. I'm really confused about how you feel your husband is using you? Do you have a history of sexual abuse or partners not appreciating you outside of sex? I really think a good therapist that specializes in sexual issues would be good for you (as an individual) and your marriage. Therapy is not a bad word. I think it might help you sort through your feelings a lot better than we can here.
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
No, absolutely not, sex is not about using each other. Based on that comment, you guys definitely need counseling if this is how you are viewing your sexual relationship.
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling
This thread is so confusing. You knew that TTC would mean having sex more often for the sole purpose of having a baby. This is normal. Most couples find that they need to step up their frequency when they are trying to make a baby. My husband is perfectly content having sex once or twice a week. I'd be fine with sex 3-4 times a week. When we were TTC, I was getting that. I knew the only reason we were having sex more often was because we were trying to make a baby. But I didn't hold that over my husband's head. He was willing to have sex with me more often so that he could give me child. To me, that is only expressing love.
I could see feeling used if your husband wanted a child and you didn't, but from what I understand you both want a child. He is stepping outside of his normal comfort zone to make that happen. The fact that you still feel used is why everyone is recommending that you take a step back and seek some counseling. It seems that you do have some resentment over the lack of sex in your relationship prior to TTC, and it would be best to address that before bringing a child into the picture.
Me: 30 DH: 35
TTC #1 - Jan 2015
BFP on 5/13/15 DD born 1/24/16 TTC #2 - Jun 2017 BFP on 8/24/17
I see where you are coming from, and if one only saw your side they would think I was being silly, much like you must be thinking now. My problem is that we never had sex this often so he's not doing it because he wants to have sex with me, he wants because he wants a baby. Basically using me. Which brings me back to the whole thing I originally said, why not just cut to the chase and do insemination. For someone who is having sex let's say once a week probably feels desired and increasing their sex by say twice a week probably doesn't mean much. But when you go from having sex once a month to a couple times a week that is over load. I'd be scared once we got pregnant things would go back to how they were thus confirming he was just using me. Not that I mean that in a bad way, because in reality aren't we all using each other when it comes to sex? whether it's sexual gratification or to have a baby. I just don't know how else to put it. So saying the word "using" makes him sound like a terrible person. I'm a control freak and I over analyze a lot.
No, absolutely not, sex is not about using each other. Based on that comment, you guys definitely need counseling if this is how you are viewing your sexual relationship.
Also, just as a general note for lurkers and those TTC: Your sex life WILL change after you have a baby. Sex for the first 4-6 months after you are cleared can be painful. If you breast feed your lubrication and other physical aspects can be affected. This is not just for @lizzybt , but for everyone. Make your peace with your sex life changing once baby arrives.
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling
I'm interpreting all sex as TTC because as I said before, we were doing it once a month so the only rational reason for the increased frequency is TTC but what I'm getting at is why now? He had 6.5 years to have sex with me as much as he wanted and the only reason he is doing it for a baby then I assume it will go back to our old once a month once i do get pregnant
I'm with the others that think your husband is in a lose-lose situation. What could he possibly do at this point to NOT make you feel like you're being used? Or maybe I should be more specific- What is he doing these days that makes you feel undesired BESIDES lack of sex in the past? Because he isn't Marty McFly and he can't time travel. You do seem to hold resentment over the past.
You weren't happy with the lack of sex, and you aren't happy with the increase in sex. What else is there?
LFAF Awards
me: 27 | husband: 35 IR PCOS dx Sept. 2014
married May 2015 --> started NTNP BFP 6.28.15 - EDD 3.6.16 baby #1born 2.19.16
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling
I'm interpreting all sex as TTC because as I said before, we were doing it once a month so the only rational reason for the increased frequency is TTC but what I'm getting at is why now? He had 6.5 years to have sex with me as much as he wanted and the only reason he is doing it for a baby then I assume it will go back to our old once a month once i do get pregnant
It likely will. He's stepped up the amount you have sex to help you make a baby. But the amount you had it before is what is natural for him. If you can deal with this, great. If not, you know what you have to do. It isn't fair to tell him, in effect "I love you, except this part of you I completely can't accept, even though it has been this way all along." What exactly is he supposed to do? There is literally no way out of this for him.
Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!!
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
@lizzybt OMG NO ONE HAS ATTACKED YOU. If anything you've gotten a lot of very thoughtful, sincere advice. My goodness, this gets up in my craw and aggrevates me.
Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!!
Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!!
You can't. Ask the BGs.
Me: 31 | H: 32
Married September 2014
TTC #1 December 2014 RE appt 12/2015 CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent Dx: Unexplained Infertility February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6 BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16 It's a girl! Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S -------- TFAS March 2018 RE consultation 8/2/18 Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19 It's a girl! Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!!
There is no way to delete a post.
ETA: The ladies here are pretty common sense, and nobody has been rude. They've asked questions and requested some explanations, but that is natural. You have a complicated situation.
I didn't say it wasn't working for me. I was just giving you an opinion on IUI, since you indicated that you thought it help with the sense of "feeling used". You seem awfully defensive?
Yeah sorry, I've just gotten a lot of attacks on here and your post came off that way as if you were trying to tell it's not all rainbows and to appreciate that I don't have to IUI... I just don't want the only reason we are having sex is to have a baby, we aren't animals
@lizzybt OMG NO ONE HAS ATTACKED YOU. If anything you've gotten a lot of very thoughtful, sincere advice. My goodness, this gets up in my craw and aggrevates me.
@primrose then unfollow this, are these your bffs because I've gotten some messages from a few ladies telling me you have a "posse" that follows you around and I'm noticing a theme with some of them. I'm not here for drama I was looking for advice or if others felt the same and clearly some do. The moment I can figure out how to take this down I'm doing it.
Anyone want to tell me if there is a way to delete this post? I've gotten some advice from some nice ladies and others are just being rude while others are new to the discussion and trying to get caught up, and I really am sick of reexplaining myself. Thanks in advance!!
Are you referring to me? I've read all the pages, I'm not just jumping into this. You haven't answered the question of what he can do to fix this in the present day. If you just wanted to vent, that's one thing. But it would be helpful to note that at the beginning to save people time.
LFAF Awards
me: 27 | husband: 35 IR PCOS dx Sept. 2014
married May 2015 --> started NTNP BFP 6.28.15 - EDD 3.6.16 baby #1born 2.19.16
Re: I''m not even sure how to title this but I'm feeling pretty alone here
BFP on 7/2/2013
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12
M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14
Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
Lfafer you want to have in your playgroup * Best Baker * Sweetest Lfafer * Best NBR\GTKY Threads* Most Supportive Lfafer * Best Mom * Lfafer you want organizing your meal train after birth
Hahah your quick girl! Idk how that even happened! I was typing on the right one. Had to pause because I'm at work and somehow I hit post and it's on the wrong one... ughhh technology lol and I forgot part of it on the right post. Whatev. F today already. Sorry OP.
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12
M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14
Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
Lfafer you want to have in your playgroup * Best Baker * Sweetest Lfafer * Best NBR\GTKY Threads* Most Supportive Lfafer * Best Mom * Lfafer you want organizing your meal train after birth
I don't think that TTC at this juncture is wise. You can do what you feel is right, but given just what you've shared here. I would put it on hold.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
RE appt 12/2015
CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent
Dx: Unexplained Infertility
February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6
BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16
It's a girl!
Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S
--------
TFAS March 2018
RE consultation 8/2/18
Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19
It's a girl!
Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
Look, it's pretty simple. You want your husband to do certain things (initiate sex) to make you feel a certain way (desired). When he does, you don't care for it because it isn't making you feel the way you want. That's a problem with you, not him. And the more you go on about it, the more I wonder whether there is any reasonable solution for it. Apparently having less sex doesn't help. Having more sex doesn't help. It seems that he's in a lose-lose situation here, and that problem won't be solved without communication between you and your husband.
And no, I don't mean nagging.
RE appt 12/2015
CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent
Dx: Unexplained Infertility
February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6
BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16
It's a girl!
Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S
--------
TFAS March 2018
RE consultation 8/2/18
Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19
It's a girl!
Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
My fear is his frequency of sex is because he wants a baby, not because he desires me. I've talked with him, he doesn't get it. I post this and I hear a lot of positive responses from women who have been in the same situation. And then I hear from others like yourself who are telling me I have issues. I think we all have issues, no need to judge.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Unless he plans to take the baby and run away, he's not "using" you. You're jointly having a child and growing your family. You two. Together. Yes, the word "using" does make it sounds like you think he's a terrible person. My husband and I have sex more regularly when we're TTC, but not once have I wondered if one of us was being "used". We're both just doing what makes more sense. More sex = more chances to get pregnant.
Also, from someone who has had a child: if you have a baby, it is extremely likely your sex life will take a major hit. Whatever you were having before will probably look like a TON after baby comes.
Wasn't trying to offend you or anyone else.... Different things work for different people. And due to MY PERSONAL experience that was an idea of mine that might help ME. Sorry if it isn't working for YOU
Honestly, strangers on the internet won't be able to answer it for you... Not just talking at your husband, but communicating with is going to resolve this. You need to have an open honest conversation with each other about how you *both* feel, and what you *both* want. Lack of sex won't end a marriage (lol, we didn't have sex for a month and a half before we got married, we were both too strung out on the work for the wedding - spoiler, he married me anyway!) but not communicating, or wanting disparate things from the relationship is when things start running into trouble.
Before TTC We ranged anywhere from daily to monthly. Sometimes life happens. Or ... adulting is hard, and wears one or both of out by the end of the day. Even when it's once a month I know, absolutely KNOW that my husband loves me, finds me sexy, and in theory would want to... It's just the "in theory" doesn't always translate to "he stayed up long enough I was done with class work, I had enough energy left and we didn't fall asleep talking / cuddling"
We've been making an effort to make sure we get to the sex part since we've been TTC, and honestly - it isn't as good. Some nights one of us is a little off (or both.) So we are having more *quantity* of sex, but less quality.
He may be in that camp, where he would rather have good sex, where you are both feeling it, than sex for the sake of sex.
It may even be that he wasn't initiating because he didn't think it would be welcomed. You starting it signals him you are... I know I get that from my husband sometimes!
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
BFP on 7/2/2013
I think perhaps what is getting lost in translation is- how are u distinguishing sex to have a baby from normal sex? Honestly I'm not asking to be snarky- I legitimately don't understand. Like is ur husband saying "let's have baby making sex" as foreplay or something or are u just now interpreting all sex as "sex to have a baby" because u have made the decision to try to conceive? Again let me be perfectly clear that I'm not being snarky or rude, I just really want to understand where ur coming from. Edited for spelling
DD born 1/24/16
TTC #2 - Jun 2017
BFP on 8/24/17
Not everyone can breastfeed - Mammary Hypoplasia/Insufficient Glandular Tissue Awareness
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I'm with the others that think your husband is in a lose-lose situation. What could he possibly do at this point to NOT make you feel like you're being used? Or maybe I should be more specific- What is he doing these days that makes you feel undesired BESIDES lack of sex in the past? Because he isn't Marty McFly and he can't time travel. You do seem to hold resentment over the past.
You weren't happy with the lack of sex, and you aren't happy with the increase in sex. What else is there?
me: 27 | husband: 35
IR PCOS dx Sept. 2014
married May 2015 --> started NTNP
BFP 6.28.15 - EDD 3.6.16
baby #1 born 2.19.16
TTC #2 in April 2017
BFP 12.30.17 - EDD 9.6.18
Fertility Friend Chart
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
RE appt 12/2015
CD3 labs normal | HSG 1/8/16 clear | H's SA excellent
Dx: Unexplained Infertility
February 2016, cycle 16 - cycle #1 with Letrozole 5mg + TI | Progesterone=20.6
BFP 2/24/16 - EDD 11/7/16
It's a girl!
Isla Quinn born 10/29/16 at 38w5d via C/S
--------
TFAS March 2018
RE consultation 8/2/18
Suprise! BFP 8/8/18 natural cycle | EDD 4/19/19
It's a girl!
Afton Noelle born 4/10/19 at 38w5d via natural VBAC
There is no way to delete a post.
ETA: The ladies here are pretty common sense, and nobody has been rude. They've asked questions and requested some explanations, but that is natural. You have a complicated situation.
me: 27 | husband: 35
IR PCOS dx Sept. 2014
married May 2015 --> started NTNP
BFP 6.28.15 - EDD 3.6.16
baby #1 born 2.19.16
TTC #2 in April 2017
BFP 12.30.17 - EDD 9.6.18
Fertility Friend Chart