TTCAL w/o 11/16

fitzfizz · November 2020

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage, selective termination due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going?

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Questions?

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched?

fitzfizz · November 2020

Switched to the weekly format as we had discussed in the November thread.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. One loss, TFMR at 22 weeks in June. The problem is now known to be genetic, but only ~2-5% chance of recurrence, and we have a way to test for it earlier in any future pregnancies now that we know about it.

Status: TWW 4th cycle AL

How are things going? I had a pep talk with my uterus last night that it should only let an embryo implant if it is healthy, so there’s some insight into my crazy brain.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I’m feeling weirdly hopeful this TWW that I could be pregnant, but then I get scared of having the same situation again. I don’t think I’ll feel OK with any pregnancy until after I have had negative genetic testing and a normal karyotype and anatomy scan. I feel like I can never again be a hopeful/joyful pregnant woman and that makes the concept of getting a possible BFP a lot less exciting.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No more testing to do.

Questions? None today.

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? Currently binge-watching Fixer-Upper

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@fitzfizz I totally understand about not feeling like you can be excited and mixed emotions about a possible positive. I think culturally we are trained to see a positive pregnancy test as *the thing*-- a bright line in the sand. But I have had enough of those now that I see them almost like a positive ovulation test-- necessary, but not sufficient. Like it's step one of a much longer process. And it's sad to be robbed of the "honey we're pregnant!" moment, but it also feels healthier in some ways.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 mmc, one at 8 weeks in Dec 2017, one at 11.5 weeks (mono/di twins) in Sep 2020. A couple of chemicals along the way.

Status: WTO, 2nd cycle AL

How are things going? Ok. feeling more and more "normal" as time goes on, almost like the whole "pregnant with twins" thing was a crazy dream. I kid of hate TTC, so struggling with tamping down my anxious/perfectionist streak.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I am trying to figure out ways to do TTC that are the least stressful for me, and I know this is not possible for everyone, but I am basically just throwing money at the problem. For instance, I was using pregmate OPKs but I hate them because I hate peeing into a cup *and* the negatives still have really dark test lines so positives and negatives are hard to tell apart. I tried the natalist tests and they are silly expensive but they are pretty, midstream, and have very clear negatives so far so that's nice (hopefully positives are also clear!) I also bought a tempdrop, though I tried it for the first time last night and did not know you had to turn it on! So big fail there.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Not sure if I shared this here, but I did DOR testing last cycle because I was worried that having had two miscarriages that were likely genetic issues could be due to poor egg quality. DOR aren't perfect tests for that but I was curious since my mom went through menopause early. Annoyingly, the lab missed a page in the fax so I did not get AMH testing, but my FSH/estradiol were normal for my age (not, like, AMAZING, but fine for a 33-year-old). Also we found out that the twins were not aneuploid. These two things together make me more confident that the two losses were not due to some underlying issue, and that there is no real reason to do anything, other than keep trying naturally. This is reassuring, of course, but also in some ways unsatisfying.

*tw lc*

Between the two losses I also had a very healthy, full-term pregnancy, which rules out (or at least makes much less likely) some of the more common RPL causes, and means I probably have a good shot at another healthy pregnancy.

Questions? Have any of you guys tried any of these wearable trackers or other fertility gadgets? Maybe this would be worth a standalone thread because I see people mention them, but it would be interesting to hear the reviews and whether things are worth it.

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? The home edit. Then immediately spent like $200 at the container store...

Kenneylynn3 · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. I don't mind weekly threads, but I don't feel like posting about all my losses again.

Status: TWW 2nd cycle AL

How are things going? Just going.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I'm tired of seeing others posts who are due the same time I was.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope

Questions? No

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? Currently Friends when my wife's working and Bones when she isn't.

@fitzfizz I thought I would feel the joy once I got past first tri after my first loss. After my third loss (2nd tri) I've still happy to get a bfp, but the worrying didn't go away for me.

@bumblebee0210 I have no idea as far as wearable devices.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@fitzfizz I feel in the same boat. Excited to get started again, but I'm so scared of what will happen the next time. Even if all signs point to a healthy pregnancy, when will I stop worrying about losing it? After viability? After birth. It sucks.

@bumblebee0210 I've been using the Pregmate OPKs and like them. Mostly because it's a thicker strip compared to the Wondfo brand. What is really helpful is using the Premom app. It compares the color of the test and control lines. It's super helpful when you're not sure if the lines are the same or not. Are they going to "re-run" the lab to get your AMH?

@Kenneylynn3 "I'm tired of seeing others posts who are due the same time I was." You and me both! Just makes me sad.

Random-ish question: In my times of lurking this thread well before my loss, there used to be a "what number are you trying for". Not sure if that got lost one day from a copy/paste or something people would be interested in noting for these posts?

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1 loss at 8w2d back in October

Status: WFAF

How are things going? I had a really shitty weekend. TTC/baby related stuff was heavily thrown at me all weekend and I just couldn't handle it. That all led to a meltdown yesterday afternoon. Like screaming in agony kind of meltdown. I guess that was an anxiety attack?

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? My feelings about my loss are fine, it's all the external stuff that brings so much emotion out of me. *TW pregnancy stuff*

Not only did I find out my sister wants to bring a gender reveal cake at Thanksgiving, I found out my cousin is due in May. It just really sucks that I keep getting left behind.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I met with my OB on Friday just to follow up on how I was doing. I mentioned still having very faint lines on my HPTs so they did a lab Friday instead of me going in this week. Finally got that result this morning and it's at 3 so I'm officially not KU and can start TTC. I might waste 1 more FRER to hopefully get a negative HPT so I will know that future tests are accurate.

Questions? nope

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? We binged the entire The Queen's Gambit mini-series. So good

grogu · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. - 1 MMC at 10 weeks, found out when I should have been 13w2d on November 9

Status: WFAF

How are things going? feeling better today, ordered a bbt so I can start charting and feel more in control.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Working with a friend of mine that is a herbalist to try and get my body ready to try again.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None

Questions?

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? Always the office.

grogu · November 2020

@fitzfizz I feel you on the anxiety of the what if's of the next pregnancy. I feel like the loss of one will all the joy out of any subsequent ones.

@inthewoods23 I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I would probably avoid the situation all together for Thanksgiving but that's because my in-laws are super insensitive.
We are actually skipping Christmas with them this year which has royalty pissed them off since we live on their property.

Kenneylynn3 · November 2020

@baby_yoda1986 hope your body resets soon for you.

@inthewoods23 I don't know what happened to that question, but I have always found it a "loaded" question.
*This may come across as triggering plus mention of LC*

I see all my losses as babies still. I have named them all and think about what my life would be like if they made it.
Plus I do have a rainbow baby. This doesn't make losses after him easier, he doesn't replace any losses that proceed him. Also I feel like it may hit people the wrong way on this board to say, "I'm trying for # 2, 3, 4 ect". Especially if they are still trying for their first.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@baby_yoda1986 yeah life likes to royally kick me in the ass at the worst times. At some point I'll make it known I want no part in that cake. I just couldn't care less. DH and I also binge The Office all the time! Can't go wrong! Have you been listening to the Office Ladies podcast? We're a couple episodes behind, but it's fun to hear what it's like to be on set.

@Kenneylynn3 that thought had crossed my mind too. How would I feel seeing that from everyone else and what THB they're on since that blurs into TFAS. I'm totally fine with leaving it out.

sienna221 · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.: MMC & D&C at 11 weeks

Status: WFAF & HPTs to go negative. Very faint line this morning so almost there!

How are things going? Pretty good but I totally get the anxiety thing.

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? This is terrible and not healthy, but I’m a very competitive person...Ive always been the healthy/athletic/in shape one and things have always been kind of easy for me...and seeing so many friends go on with healthy pregnancies hurts me in a pride way that I realize isn’t normal or healthy. But it unfortunately just does. I’ve been trying to work through that. I was also due May 12 and I feel like we’re hitting the time where all the May babies are being revealed on social media...so seeing all those come through hurts too.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No testing

Questions?

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? When I was in bed with a fever after the d&c I watched Emily in Paris. It was perfect mindless entertainment for being sick in bed. I want to start the Undoing now but MH usually gets remote privileges and with so much football on...it’s pretty much all we watch haha.

@fitzfizz I think I might have a pep talk with my uterus tonight. That’s a good idea! And I totally feel you in the anxiety. I always think the worst is going to happen and usually it works out. But now that I have had the MC on my first try...I fear for my anxiety if we get pregnant again.

@bumblebee0210 Let me know how you like the new OPKs once you’ve tested the positive. I use Pregmate too and peed on my hand this morning trying to get it in the cup so would love to switch to a midstream test.

@Kenneylynn3 I can watch friends anytime, any place. Pretty sure I’ve seen every episode at least 10 times. And I totally understand the due date posting. As I mentioned too, I’m noticing all the May announcements start now and every one of them is a reminder.

@inthewoods23 I’m so sorry you had a bad weekend. I think we’re all entitled to a freak out every once in awhile with all the sh*t we go through during a loss. Also, keep me posted on your FRER result. Since my doc isn’t tracking my HCG level down and I’m down to a very very faint line, I’d like to see how your >5 Hcg level tests for reference.

@baby_yoda1986 I hope your body resents soon too. Let me know how starting BB&T goes. I’ve been thinking about it but I know I’ll forget in the mornings and then who knows if it’s even worth it.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@sienna221 I will have to PM you the picture so I don't get flagged for breaking TOU.

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@sienna221 LOL at peeing on your hand. That pretty much sums up TTC for me.

@inthewoods23 @Kenneylynn3 I see the potential pitfalls of this question for sure. I think the living child thing is relevant when thinking about both medical issues/testing/etc and also emotional state (I mean not always, but I think of someone who has had 3 losses and 3 LCs differently than someone who has had 3 losses in a row and no LCs). But most conversations here are not explicitly about that, so when I feel like it is relevant I usually just put it in a spoiler. But at least for me, for example, my MFM did not consider me RPL even though I fit some definitions.

@baby_yoda1986 So sorry you find yourself here. Hopefully your body will reset itself quickly. Don't be surprised if your first cycle is a little wonky but things generally even out pretty quickly.

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@inthewoods23 I don't think I'm going to get the AMH-- my doc thinks it will likely line up with FSH and I think she only ordered them to humor me, really. The truth is, I am clearly ovulating reasonable-quality eggs because I get pregnant every 3 months or so of trying (I have been pregnant 4 times, and possibly another CP last month though not totally clear). As far as I understand it, the DOR tests mostly test for egg quantity and also your potential reaction to stims for IVF, which we also are pretty far from because (a) see above and (b) genetic screening would not have prevented our last loss, so basically unless we go another 6 months+ with no pregnancy, we are just in the "trying naturally" zone. Do you think there is any reason to insist on the AMH testing?

fitzfizz · November 2020

I’ll be back later for other tags (I’m supposed to be working and not on TB...)

@bumblebee0210 I would agree with your doc, I don’t think it would really be helpful since you are able to get pregnant.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 I have heard that with the relation between AMH and FSH. It probably isn't worth it, but I'm one to like having all the data possible haha

notawhoops · November 2020

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Hi. I'm not sure where I belong exactly. Had loss #9 at the end of Oct. Decided to give up and picked up bc pills. Waiting for AF to start before starting the pill. We are NTNP until AF arrives.

Status: WTO?WFAF?

How are things going? OK, until today when I started spotting on CD20. ?!?!

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? We are 95% sure we're done TTC as I just turned 43 last week. I am waiting for AF after my MC to start the pills. However, there is that small part that is having a hard time letting go and hoping that our NTNP last week might end up with a BFP?

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None.

Questions? Anybody have weird mid-cycle spotting after a mc? I was 5+6 when we had our loss Oct. 28. Bled for 6 days and neg preg test at our follow up on Nov. 4. Pre mc, cycles were 28 days so spotting at CD20 is throwing me off. Could it be random mc related or super early AF??

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? Alien TV on Netflix.

fitzfizz · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 I get the feeling most people who end up on the bump TTC forum have an anxious/perfectionist streak, so you are definitely not alone in trying to tamp that down. Solidarity! I have not used any wearables, but I too am throwing money at the problem. I have learned that I never trust an early HPT that isn’t an FRER, so I end up using the FRER anyway. It adds up...

@Kenneylynn3 Friends is also one of my go-tos! I am sad it is no longer on Netflix which makes it harder to binge with wild abandon.

@inthewoods23 I’m sorry things are all hitting you at once. I have also had a few panic attacks in my life, they are awful. Did you end up stopping the Wellbutrin? It usually isn’t as helpful for panic attacks, but it helps some. I also agree with what others have said about the question that is gone. I think any mention of LC on this thread should be minimal and only if pertinent (people seem to be really good about that in TTCAL) so I think that question was probably intentionally admitted.

@baby_yoda1986 Definitely agree on things like BBT and OPKs making you feel more in control. Especially with losses we feel like we have no control, so anything we can do to feel in control is helpful.

@sienna221 I spent my whole pregnancy with some anxiety in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t work out, constantly telling myself that I needed to stop worrying because I had no reason to worry. Whoops. I guess from now on I just have to embrace the anxiety because I won’t be able to talk myself out of it 🤷🏼‍♀️

@notawhoops So sorry you are back here again. It sounds like BCP could be helpful to give you some time to reset and figure out what you want. It isn’t permanent, so you could always stop them later if you change your mind. For your question, it really could go either way. It might be AF just returning early, but you are also still in the range where it could be MC related bleeding.

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@fitzfizz @inthewoods23 I am generally also an "all the data" person (I'm an empirical economist so literally all I do is data all day), but I am also trying long-term to work on the difference between "knowing" and "able to control", and out of the cycles of anxiety that are produced when I feel like *one more data point* will give me answers/control/power whatever. I think my official Rx is patience at this point, which tbh I am thankful for. That being said, I just dropped $30 on proov strips because more data? IDK, it's a work in progress.

@notawhoops I'm sorry you're back. I did have midcycle spotting for the first time ever after my last loss, though I was further along and had a D&C, so I think it's not crazy. My cycles are always a bit wonky after a loss, even very early ones.

notawhoops · November 2020

@bumblebee0210 @fitzfizz More spotting today and it's red so I'm guessing it's the start of AF. At my age, going back on bc will most likely be permanent. =(

Nothing like starting AF on CD21 after a mc to top off my last NTNP cycle before going back on the pill.

keikilove · November 2020

Hey friends, I tried to join in here last week over a couple days but could never get my tags finished, so some of these comments are from last week. Now we are on to a weekly schedule so I will try to catch up!

@fitzfizz I hope you are feeling a bit better since the end of October/beginning of the month is a bit behind us now. I thought I’d finally come over here to keep you some company, but I see that you (fortunately and unfortunately) have plenty of company.😢💗 Also, yum to the pumpkin pie! So delish. I love your messaging to your uterus—I believe in that kind of thinking!

@Kenneylynn3I’m sorry things are “just going” right now. Hope things get brighter or more lively soon. I’m also so sorry for your losses, and that they’re being chalked up to bad luck. I don’t know if this is comforting or not, but my doctors have said that with more than 3 losses it is highly unlikely to just be “bad luck”—it’s either that the right tests haven’t been run, or those tests don’t exist yet to discover the issue.

@inthewoods23 I am still so sad about you being here in TTCAL.💗 I pray that the progesterone supplementation is exactly what you need next time to get your THB. Not to be annoying and keep quoting my doctors, but here I go again: my doctors have said that doctors in general aren’t sure yet whether low progesterone is the reason for a loss, or whether it’s a symptom of a non-viable pregnancy that was inevitably going to end anyway. You know how I feel: supplement anyway since it can’t hurt anything! And yum to the mashed sweet potatoes! Also, that feeling of “getting left behind” truly sucks. So sorry it was a rough weekend.

@sienna221 I am so sorry you find yourself here too. Im also very sorry that you don’t get to do your announcement with your family. I had that same disappointment at Thanksgiving two years ago—it still makes me sad, so I’m sending you big internet hugs. As far as your positive OPKs, I find that mine are always positive when I have hCG in my system. I am one of those people who has used an OPK as an HPT in a pinch (when waiting on the latest HPT order to arrive in the mail the next day). OPKs work for me for this purpose. Hopefully the hCG will be out of your system soon.

@bumblebee0210 I am so sorry for your losses. I agree with you that your success in between losses is a good indication of future success. Sorry I can’t be of any help with the gadgets; a standalone thread would be a great place to encourage more discussion.

@baby_yoda1986 Sorry for your recent loss. Hopefully your friend’s herbs can help move things along in the right direction. Yes to The Office—always good for a laugh!

@notawhoops I’m terribly sorry for all of your losses, and that you’re in that limbo place where you want to stop TTC but your heart is hanging on to some hope. I am going to send you a PM later tonight.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Late unexplained loss at 18 weeks gestation, Oct 2018. 6 week loss, Jan 2019. 8 chemical pregnancies since then.

Status: Holding on to our last bit of hope! Going for my second egg retrieval tomorrow!

How are things going? Overall, going well. Subconsciously, fighting the demons of “What if it never happens? What if that late loss was the last time I really had a shot at a healthy pregnancy?” Dark corners of the mind I've been trying to ignore for a long time...

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Both of these are above It’s definitely a mixed bag lately. What prompted me to join back in here was that our first loss was at the end of October, and this year I was dreading the milestone of the day I delivered our daughter. Well, I ended up getting a positive test on that anniversary day this year, two years to the day of delivering her tiny body. I couldn’t believe the luck of that! I thought it must be meant to be, kind of healing for our hearts and souls. But instead it was another chemical pregnancy. That was hard. And at the same time, others here in TTGP mentioned that my loss date was also their loss date, which had me super super sad for all of us for a few days of intense emotion. October was a challenge for sure. very glad to be moving through November.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Got some test results back today that may hold the answer to all of our losses: we do indeed have a partial DQ Alpha match/HLA match. Finally, a real answer! We have done LIT treatment recently, which will hopefully make my body recognize the embryos as friend and not foe, and then we can finally finish this whole TTC saga.

Questions? NATM

GTKY: What is your favorite thanksgiving food? Sorry, I pasted from last week! I love cranberry sauce.

ETA: Binge-worthy shows lately are Call the Midwife (so good!), The Spanish Princess (also so good!), and Good Bones on HGTV in the background while I work. ETA: Fixed grammar, added clarity of thought.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@notawhoops sorry for your loss. Are you opting for BC due to your age? Have you ever gone through any kind of testing to figure out what could be causing so many CPs? Is your progesterone often low? Just curious.

@fitzfizz I haven't stopped it. My PCP was supposed to get in touch with my OB and confirm I could stay on it for TTC but I never heard back. I should call her tomorrow. I need to call the pharmacy there anyway because they only partially filled my prescription last week. I paid the full price of a month's supply instead of 20 days so I definitely want to get the remaining filled! Is there anything for short term anxiety attacks that is safe for TTC? Usually Xanax is prescribed but that's not pregnancy friendly right?

@bumblebee0210 when I had gotten a 2nd opinion at another fertility clinic, my AMH had increased by a lot from 2 years prior when tested at my 1st fertility clinic. I asked if that meant I had become more fertile and she said it can vary based on how or who performs the test. Something to do with variability between testing facilities or whatever, idk. AMH can be as low as 1 and still be considered normal and indication of good eggs. A few months ago we had a bunch of ladies here start using those Proov tests and as I recall, a few did find that they either weren't ovulating or weren't ovulating "strongly". It can't hurt to use so why not.

@keikilove hey lady! Always happy to see you finally have some time to pop into these threads

. Your doctors and my OB said the same thing. It's not known if it's a cause or a symptom. Considering my progesterone started off so strong even a week after my BFP, I would think it's the latter - at least for my case! She said she wouldn't have me supplement since there's no agreement on whether or not supplementation even helps and with it being my first loss. Once there's 3 they will supplement just as a "why not, couldn't hurt" and I'm fine with that decision. GL with your ER tomorrow!!!! Did they fertilize the first collection or are they waiting for this next bunch to do it all together?

notawhoops · November 2020

@inthewoods23 DH and I decided that actively "trying" with temping and charting would be too much to deal with. My Dr did suggest testing after this loss but since we weren't sure we were going to continue down the TTC path, I passed on the testing and opted to go on bc since we are pretty sure we're done. We were done back in 2013 but the surprise BFP last Dec had us reconsider things and decided to see how NTNP would go. Little did we know we would be here a year later with four more losses. It might just be time to finally close this chapter. I'm just having a hard time making that definitive decision.

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@notawhoops that's understandable. It seems to be pretty common to be "done" and then a surprise pregnancy makes you reconsider everything. I hope you find happiness in whatever you choose. ❤️

keikilove · November 2020

@inthewoods23 Hey girl hey! Thanks for the warm welcome back to this thread. You know this thread is always the hardest for me--I get so sad thinking about how many of us are in this club, and the unfairness of it all really hits me. Anyway, it feels good to be among people who understand the thoughts and doubts, and to see that others still find success after going through all the heartache.//I am so glad to hear that your progesterone started off really strong--that's a great indicator. Hopefully your next BFP is smooth sailing all the way till the end, no extras needed!//AFM, the retrieval is the first one of the DuoStim, but my second one overall in the IVF journey. I could've been clearer with that description, lol. I never even asked what comes next! Good question for my dr tomorrow!

fitzfizz · November 2020

@keikilove I’m both happy and sad to see you here. I constantly lurk the IF thread and your general positivity in spite of everything you have gone through is inspiring. It is unfortunate that so many of us find ourselves on this thread, but it definitely helps with the isolation. I was actually really struggling when I first posted here with feeling like I didn’t fit in because I had a TFMR, so seeing that several other women had been in the same situation gave me a lot of peace. Basically I guess that is my long form of agreeing that it is both fortunate and unfortunate. Unfortunate that we find ourselves in this position, but fortunate that we find each other. I hope you have a very smooth ER tomorrow!

@inthewoods23 Yeah, benzodiazepines including Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin etc are controversial in pregnancy at best (possible cleft lip association, but it’s unclear if this is real) so most doctors won’t prescribe it. Usually I go with Atarax/hydroxyzine which is technically pregnancy category C, but most doctors consider first generation antihistamines to be safe. Being an antihistamine, it is obviously not as strong as Xanax, but I have had good results with it so it is worth asking about.

@baby_yoda1986 I saw in the newbie thread you are in BC. I grew up there and I miss it!

Kenneylynn3 · November 2020

@keikilove I know we all don't like being here, but I do live the sense of community and understanding we all have for one another. With my multiple losses, yes there probably was/is a problem. I do believe there was a genetic problem with the first two ending in mmc. This was never tested, but my first two losses were his 7th and 8th among 4 different women. The third loss (different guy) was a clot issue which they believe won't happen again if I take a baby aspirin. I believe there is a test for this that I should probably take to see if I have it, but I already take a baby aspirin daily now. This last loss was just a mc that they couldn't test as there wasn't anything to test. Which this might be a progesterone issue (ob plans to test as soon as I get a bfp) or could be just bad luck.
*TW LC*

Hard to know/say it's anything else sinceI have had one successful pregnancy.

notawhoops · November 2020

So "spotting" has stopped today. It started CD20-CD22, mix of brown, pink, red and enough to need a pad at some points. Today is CD23 and I had 28 day cycles pre-mc. Took a test this morning just in case it could have been IB, BFN. No idea when/if I O'd so I guess it's some wacky mid-cycle bleed and will just wait until AF shows.

pickle-chips · November 2020

I've had this drafted for a few days now and for some reason hitting post has been harder than I thought it would be.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 7 week loss in late October (almost a month ago now).

Status: WFAF. It's a strange mental shift to be desperately wanting to see AF.

How are things going?: Well, I cried immediately after DTD the first time since our loss. So, not great?

What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? See above. As for what is going well, I am feeling physically more like myself. The yoga studio I go to gave me a month of unlimited classes when I told them about the loss and the friends and co-workers whom I've told have all been really kind and supportive, which has really buoyed me. It all comes and goes in waves.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None.

Questions? I feel like I have a million questions, but I can't articulate any. Or they are questions that really have no answer.

GTKY: What is the last TV show you binge-watched? It has been ages since I binged a show. It might have been Outer Banks or Lucifer? I've been more binge-reading lately—thank goodness for the Libby app.

grogu · November 2020

I went for my follow up ultrasound today and apparently I have thickening in the walls of my uterus which means I get to go for another transvaginal ultrasound in a month or so.
I just want this chapter to be over.

*TW* pregnancy

On my way out of the hospital I ran into a friend of mine that is due ten days before I was. I held it together until I got outside then ugly cried in my car for 20 minutes.
😭

@pickle-chips I feel you on the actually wanting AF to show up. I hope the wait isn't too long. ❤️

bumblebee0210 · November 2020

@baby_yoda1986 Ugh I am so sorry. I had a difficult transition back to fertility after my first mmc, and I felt the same way. Just wanted it all to be over with. Hopefully this is just a weird precaution and you are getting back to normal.

kiki047 · November 2020

@pickle-chips I can relate to so much of that, and I'm so sorry this is your reality too. "It all comes and goes in waves." That pretty much sums it up for me. I explained it to my brother that it feels like the storm clouds have lifted so I'm no longer just walking around in a fog but they're hovering over my head, threatening to dump on me at any moment. I'm ok until I'm not. And that's ok. Sending you internet-stranger hugs!

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@keikilove ah, yes that's right the DuoStim! When is your 2nd retrieval? Or was that already?

@fitzfizz I keep forgetting to ask my PCP about it. I need to contact her anyway to find out if she got a hold of my OB to get their confirmation it's okay to keep me on the bupropion. One of the times I was on the phone with the nurses they said my IB was okay with it but my PCP seems to be expecting some kind of official record of the okay 🤷‍♀️

@notawhoops I had some brown spotting yesterday (10dpo), mostly just wiping. We might be going through something similar. Must be hormones out of whack from our MCs. That's the only thing I could think of.

@pickle-chips I'm glad people have been very nice about your loss news. It so is a roller coaster of emotions.

pickle-chips · November 2020

@baby_yoda1986 I am so sorry that your appointment was immediately followed by a confronting situation. That's a lot to be processing in such a short span of time.

Thank you @kiki047, big internet-stranger hugs to you too. Totally ok until I'm not—that's it. Speaking of... I was reading a book—a historical fiction mystery with a little side of romance—and in the last few pages of the book, the author casually throws in a mc for the main character. I sh*t you not, I sat with my mouth open, tears streaming down my face for five minutes before I could force myself to read on. I couldn't believe how carelessly it was handled. I went onto Goodreads and left a 1 star rating and a scathing review included a trigger warning. I. Was. Riled. I mean, that's a fairly obvious trigger, but I was turning to this light-hearted series for an escape.

But to your point that it's ok that you're not ok, I actually just bought a book called It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine. I've had it on my TBR list for other reasons for a while now, and decided I probably needed it sooner rather than later. I haven't cracked it yet, soon soon though.

sienna221 · November 2020

@pickle-chips Welcome...although I am sorry you are here and for your loss. I had my loss at the end of October as well (10/22) and waiting for AF as well. Maybe we'll get them back on similar time frames...fingers crossed it's soon!

And sorry to all that I've been MIA here. I don't want to be the person who gets on to talk just about themselves and then never shows back up and provides support to others.

This week just got away from me. I'll be better next week!

notawhoops · November 2020

@inthewoods23 I'm sorry to hear you're going through spotting, too. My OB said it's most likely mc related and advised me to go on the pill when the spotting stops. =(. Could yours be IB?

inthewoods23 · November 2020

@notawhoops ugh that's a bummer. I didn't have IB last time, but who knows. I suppose it could be since I was 10dpo at the time. 🤷‍♀️ I guess I better take a test just to be 100% it's still negative

fitzfizz · November 2020

@pickle-chips So sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. For months now I feel like every TV show, movie, book etc was about someone pregnant. They sneak it in to everything. But a casually-dealt-with loss? That is too shitty. I don’t know who would write that. Sorry you encountered that.

@baby_yoda1986 That is awful to run into someone who was due at the same time. I had a coworker who was due the same week as me. I hated seeing her. I think she got that though because she mainly avoided me. I’m glad she is gone on mat leave now.

@kiki047 I like your analogy. You are fine until you aren’t.

@inthewoods23 It sounds like just butt-covering. Wants the OB to give it the OK so you won’t sue if there is a problem. Yay medicine in America. It should be fine.

For me: I am getting weirdly scared about testing tomorrow. I feel like thanksgiving with my pregnant SIL (and the freakin gender reveal) would be easier if I knew I was pregnant too, but I’m also scared about it being positive and having the same situation again. I feel like I have PGAL brain already and I haven’t even tested. I’m almost enjoying this last bit of being Schrodinger’s uterus.

notawhoops · November 2020

@fitzfizz I'm sorry you're having some apprehension about testing. I have my FX's for you for tomorrow. I also love "Schrodinger's uterus."

sienna221 · November 2020

@fitzfizz it’s so try..the whole “I want to be pregnant again”...but “wait, do I?” So hard. And your SILs reveal on top of that...that’s so tough. I’ll be thinking of you!

inthewoods23 · November 2020

Alright ladies, looks like AF decided to show up early today instead of tomorrow. Took one last FRER to be absolutely sure any future BFP is a real BFP (since they can apparently detect an HCG levels of 3 ha) and finally saw my first negative FRER.

DH is ready to go, I'm ready to go, so let's restart this mission.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/a5/dhfkd7e6yxqy.gif

sienna221 · November 2020

@inthewoods23 yes!

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