Weekly Randoms w/o 10/26

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@keikilove That first social media post is the hardest. Not knowing what family/friends reactions are going to be. Being afraid of the 'just keep trying. it's no big deal!' posts. It's.... an emotional and difficult thing to do. It definitely takes bravery, but you have to be prepared for it and be ready (on your own timeframe) to make it. Some people never are, which is fine. The number of people who've privately FB messaged me after my posts, is amazing. People who are seeking support and solace and ties, but are not ready to be 'out' about it. I also find comfort in knowing that MC happens, oftentimes for no rhyme/reason that doctors know about. That it's nothing YOU did, but more something that has happened TO you medically.

@emeraldcity1214 I get that. I'm very sorry if my posts have hurt you.

This is my worst time of year as well. These last few weeks of October ALWAYS do me in. Even with all my callousness in posting, I still run across MC/IF posts (with or withOUT the TW) that sometimes make me break down. I've found that just trying to 'roll with the punches' works the best for me, and just cry when I need to, and keep on moving/surviving...

emeraldcity1214 · October 2020

@capnjackharkness No, you haven’t hurt me in anyway. I’m very used to your posts and when I’m not in a good place I don’t read them. I’m aware of how difficult your journey has been and I understand your need to vent etc. I know that when I try to talk about my loss to people irl it makes them uncomfortable so I understand the need to discuss it here where people understand and can lend support.

ruby696 · October 2020

*lurking*

@capnjackharkness

Also, I hope those who go on to a BMB at some point remember this conversation when they're tempted to post that damn Chances of Miscarriage chart that shows up every. single. time. To those who have been in the 1%, once, twice, or five or six times (raises hand), it's salt in the wound.

emeraldcity1214 · October 2020

@ruby696 I loath when people mention the 1% chance. They shut up when I inform them I was that 1%.

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@emeraldcity1214 Yeah, I think my username is a TW in itself.

No hard feelings if you skip over half (or more) of what I say on a regular basis! Even on good days, I'm aware that I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

@ruby696 Oh that Chances of MC Chart. The fights I've had about THAT.

Ugh! How fundamentally WRONG it is for most people... it just... urgh. People don't understand it. Then they go about with this 'false hope' and then are even more gutted if they have a MC and 'Don't understand because the chart said I was 1.8% chance likely...' And again... I spent a lot of time in the TTCAL board/threads picking up the pieces from that mess! And let's not even get into how it makes loss mom's feel. And if we speak up about it, we get ripped to SHREDS for "ruining people's happy thoughts / unicorns" and "why can't we just let people have their rosy glasses." If only they spent a tiny fraction of the time that I have, helping people pick up their lives and working through a MC after believing nonsense like that, they'd probably sing a VERY different tune!!!

emeraldcity1214 · October 2020

@capnjackharkness I love some good snark. 😉 Sorry I haven’t been on top of my game.

chichiphin · October 2020

Oh I’ll be right there with my bitter ass to chime in @ruby696 @capnjackharkness @emeraldcity1214

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@emeraldcity1214 Dude, I think my bitterness (bitter snark?) the last week or two has you covered. LMAO. You can pick some more up again when you're feeling a bit better.
#SharingIsCaring
couple share GIF by McDonalds CZSK

Meanwhile, how I think some people on these boards are when they see my posts:
Mute Big Rich Texas GIF by T Kyle

@chichiphin Oh man, I do remember we got into it a few years ago on some BMB about that chart! After that they stopped posting it for several months. Either it still isn't posted as much, or my 'I'm totally fine despite this dumpster fire' self hasn't been trolling the BMBs and noticing it as much!

mvt2003 · October 2020

**lurking**

My BMB is pretty slow, but you know I was prepped and ready if anyone posted that!

krash_ · October 2020

I don't have a lot to add here but I wanted to say that Chrissy Tiegen's IG post this week about her experience was heartbreaking and eye opening. So many people are quick to criticize how other people process grief. "How could you take photos at a time like that?" "You're using a tragedy for clout!" I think a lot of it has to do with our societal pressure to not show emotion or the need for support and our desperate need for mental healthcare. She talked about how just hearing other women's stories helped her especially the messages that started "you don't have to respond..."

If you're in an ok place after MC/loss or just TTC in general it's worth the read but obviously proceed with caution.

kiki047 · October 2020

@capnjackharkness no, you're right, and as someone who is currently having a MC I know this would be a whole lot easier if it were more normalized. But there's a difference between normalizing a topic and respecting the fact that it's still a trigger for some people. Like others have said, we're all in different places of healing so whether it is normalized or not, it has been widely recognized as a triggering topic, especially for women TTC, which is why we have TWs for it in the first place. I don't think it is something that needs to be contained just in the TTCAL thread, as MC and loss play a very pertinent and real part of our TTC stories, but I do feel we have a responsibility to be sensitive. Hence the TW, where it is warranted.

As for the talk of LC, I am personally in the camp that is very easily triggered by people with LOs at home. It triggers feelings of jealousy, and resentment, and sadness, and despair, and yes it can be really hard to hear people bitch about how they won't get their "ideal age gap" when I can't get/stay pregnant to save my effing life. But I also recognize that my feelings on that topic are my own, and my therapist and I have done some really deep work on trying to move past that. But the TWs help me. They go a long way in allowing me to recognize when I'm not in a good place to have my buttons pushed and be intentionally triggered over something that has no bearing on me or my own (in)fertility story. There have been ladies on here that I've known for over a year without even realizing they have a child at home. Is it fair? Maybe not. But it also didn't take away from the support they gave or received as someone who was also TTC.

@krash_ ohhhhh that post got me right in the feels. Even before I knew we were going to MC, she is just so raw and open with the highs and lows and as much as I don't always agree with her methods, I so appreciate how candid she is and the way she gives absolutely zero fucks about what anyone else thinks. She will help countless women, past, present and future, as they go through similar experiences and just the sheer fact that so many people are talking about it (good and bad) shows what an impact she has had already. I take comfort in the fact that a few members of my own family have been talking about it, which will hopefully make it easier to break the news to them this week about our own loss.

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@kiki047 Damn all your good points today!
Embarrassed Disney GIF

I think it's a super valid point that normalizing a topic is not the same as being careful of other people's feelings.

I definitely used to be way more sensitive to the talk of LO at home. I've had time to 'adjust' since my last MC and attempting to live childless, so it doesn't bother me as much as it did when I was in the throes of TTCAL or right after a MC. I also get so angry about the 'ideal age gap' as originally I wanted 2-3 kids, and have struggled to adjust to the idea of only having one, and then the idea of probably having 0 living children. It's super frustrating. ANd I'm very sorry for the loss you're currently going through

I'm going to have to go read this post! BTW, is "IG" Instagram? #SuperOldLady

krash_ · October 2020

@capnjackharkness yes IG is Instagram

emeraldcity1214 · October 2020

@krash_ I haven’t been able to bring myself to read that. I read a blog post of a former bump friend the other day and ugly cried. That particular friend pretty much held my hand through my loss, so reading her whole story just opened the flood gates.

kiki047 · October 2020

Thank you @capnjackharkness. Hugs to you too my friend. Your feelings are valid and real and I have so much respect for you and everything you've been through. I want to talk about MC and loss, and I think we will continue to do so. Let's just do it in a safe and respectful way so that those who want to participate, can.

And as a general note to anyone else reading any of this and wondering where the hell they can talk about stuff openly and without all these rules, I would point out that maybe that's what PMs or PGs are for. I'm not trying to advocate for cliques or breaking off into our own little groups, but know that all along there have been smaller groups of women on here who have taken their (potentially triggering) topics out of the general threads and talked it out amongst themselves privately.

The rules here exist because they serve the greater good of board culture but of course we recognize that some of them aren't fair, or don't make sense, or feel restrictive. Not everything needs to be said to everyone. Instead of trying to create little elite groups of "TTC 6+ months" or "*TW* LC random chat", go have your convos off to the side and come back and join the group when you're ready. Because the irony of the mass exodus from that 6+ months thread is not lost on those of us who were paying attention. No offence to the people who left (congrats, btw!) but this is a perfectly normal occurrence in the cycle of TTGP when we're overdue for a good exodus. Just like people cycle in and out of TTCAL and TFAS. I'm so glad we're having the conversation about it because we are still a democratic group here, but maybe not everyone fully understands why things are the way they are. Just my two cents as one of the few remaining vets who are still kicking around.

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@kiki047 *hugs* Seriously though... I just wanna know who paid you to knock me down a few pegs?!? You're being all magnanimous in your MC and suffering. Totally jealous!

Image: https://scontent.fagc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52924159_1148258801964655_5925926584866308096_n.png?_nc_cat=105&ccb=2&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=KPu-tLZnQ_8AX84IdKk&_nc_ht=scontent.fagc1-1.fna&oh=829691bbcc3096e3739c1d93929e1291&oe=5FBF8839

On top of people leaving and the like, I honestly just think there are less people TTC in general (or at least talking about it here on TB), as many of our groups/boards have been vastly smaller since shortly after the pandemic started. It can make it harder to find your 'clique' or the support you truly do need at times, based upon your situation. I'm betting though, eventually once there comes some resolution and 'post-pandemic norm' that things will really take off again and our numbers will swell.

kiki047 · October 2020

lol sorry @capnjackharkness, didn't mean to knock the wind out of your sails. It's been an emotionally charged week and I figured I'd make a grand entrance in my return to TTGP. And in all honesty, MC is a horrifically humbling experience, having your hopes and dreams taken from you in one fell swoop, with nothing you can do to prevent it or even explain it.

It's true, even from my little IF bubble I noticed there has been a lot less regular traffic around here lately, and surely the influx of newbies who would subsequently graduate after a cycle or two contributed to those sentiments in a big way. Maybe I share a little bit of the blame too, as one of the people who didn't interact much outside of the IF thread. For me, personally, posting in the dailies was an exercise in frustration because when we're mid IVF-cycle our timelines and our cycles are heavily monitored and controlled so I really have not a lot to report on, however I recognize that part of what drew me to TTGP was the interaction I shared with so many people in the dailies who would share their wisdom and perspective with me, even though I was naive and hopeful and knew nothing of the true challenges of TTC at the time. Perhaps in some way I have a responsibility to at least try because that's how we all get to know each other better.

*edited to finish a thought that just trailed off mid-sentence...

capnjackharkness · October 2020

@kiki047 *Huff* FINE! But I won't be nice to the obnoxious Peggies!

angry the punisher GIF by NETFLIX

BTW, Good (re)entrance!

And honestly... Jealous. Very jealous! Seriously, whoever paid you, make sure you get double (or triple)! You earned it.

kiki047 · October 2020

LOL you crack me up @capnjackharkness. And please, promise you won’t go easy on the Peggies. That is one of your finest features. I live for the Peggy throw downs.

inthewoods23 · October 2020

What's the protocol/rule for TTCAL and the grad announcement thread? Do I need to be back here for 3 months to be able to post there if/when the time comes? I just wasn't sure what was okay having only been gone from here for a month but I want to be respectful to those that were here when I graduated in September. I can imagine that feeling like quite the gut punch.

kiki047 · October 2020

@inthewoods23 no, I should think your previous history will apply, I would just frame it like 34 cycles/1 AL.

keikilove · October 2020

@inthewoods23 It’s a good question. I agree w @kiki047. Also, I LOVE that you’re thinking about this!💗

inthewoods23 · October 2020

@kiki047 ok that sounds good. I just didn't know if it would be weird if we happen to be successful in 2-3 cycles.

kiki047 · October 2020

@inthewoods23 are you kidding, that would be the BEST news if it happened right away!!

inthewoods23 · October 2020

Perfect day for FB PG announcements so I can go boooo at them

chindimples04 · November 2020

@inthewoods23 I only saw one, and I already knew about it. Still bitter....

acleverusername · November 2020

I just caught up on this thread; wow... just want to say that you are all amazing. I am so impressed that despite the very open discussion about VERY sensitive topics, everyone remained courteous and respectful of each other's viewpoints, and this is a rare thing on an anonymous forum. Thank you for making this place not only a safe place to discuss TTC, but also a safe place to have a discussion about dissenting opinions.

I don't have much to add here other than I DO appreciate a TW AND use of spoiler whenever LC or MC needs mentioning; I mostly click on those, but at 37 and on 10th month of TTC journey and with (in)fertility issues on both male and female sides, I'm starting to have more "bad" days then good days, so the option of sometimes skipping those details is much appreciated. 🙏🏻(And I fully realize that 10 months makes me pretty junior compared to some on here!)

@inthewoods23 thanks for thinking about posting to grad thread; I'm with @kiki047 ... I HOPE it happens for you right away. 🤞🏻

@kiki047 Once again, I am extremely heart-broken to see you back here. Your reintroduction was a powerful one.

@capnjackharkness I only know you from your occasional cameos on TTGP, but your snark and sense of humor is always appreciated. I am sorry for the suffering you've had to endure on your TTC journey.

Weekly Randoms w/o 10/26

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