Weekly Randoms w/o 10/26

fitzfizz

What’s on your mind this week? 

inthewoods23

lmao okay I think I just f*cked up the June board. I was trying to see if there's something I can do to stop getting notified when there are new posts in threads (like the intro and questions thread). I think I just un-stickied all the stickied threads haha. Whoops.

chindimples04

@inthewoods23 🙈 oops! This is part of why I Bump on my phone. I don’t see notifications!

daisy528

@inthewoods23 eh what can you do! They can resticky, and I’m sure they will understand. 

fitzfizz

@inthewoods23 Eh, shit happens, it will be fine. I had also screwed up October because I was organizing all of the product recommendations. They will survive! 

emeraldcity1214

We woke up to a bunch of snow this morning. So now I have to go shovel. We have a blower but I don’t know how to work it yet. The sun is just now starting to cone up and it is making everything glow because of all the clouds. So pretty. 

fitzfizz

@krash_  I was trying to send someone the gif of the young blonde girl looking awkward, and I searched “Krash” in my gif keyboard and was confused for a few seconds when your profile gif didn’t come up. I spend way too much time here haha

inthewoods23

@fitzfizz I always call that blonde girl krash now. Any time I see that elsewhere I'm like "imposter krash!" 🤣

chindimples04

it’s it’s the little things in life, like comfort food breakfasts. Peanut butter toast with chocolate chips and bananas. 🤤

<img src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/9d/vtbj2ds52e8y.jpeg" alt="">

krash_

@fitzfizz @inthewoods23 FFTC: I stole this gif as a profile pic from someone else 

bows22

I have concerns about the banner at the top of the page saying that it’s going to be down for maintenance tomorrow - like, what are they changing and how long is the site going to be down??

chindimples04

@bows22 I’m glad it’s not just me. Like, how am I supposed to update you all on my life and read your updates?!? What changes? Why must things change?!? 🤣😭🤪

daisy528

@chindimples04 and @bows22 YES! I saw that banner yesterday on the app, and I was all "what am I supposed to do all morning now?!: 

keikilove

@bows22 I hope it will be quick. One night at 3 am Eastern I got this message a couple of times while trying to log in. After about an hour everything was back to normal.

capnjackharkness

@daisy528 Ah, obviously you're supposed to read about the Best of Baby Award Winners!  (Whatever the F that is) 

And yeah... I wanna know if it's a few hours or like days?  Cause I'm not sure that reading about the Holiday Gift Guide is really good tide me over for DAYS... and/plus/also as a loss mama, I think the banner is sort of a callous statement in general.  (like, hey, you're here for support, but we don't ACTUALLY support you, as TB is really all about BABIES that are living and our wonderful BMBs and gift guides and registry crap.  So, F U if you want/need support here; instead look at all these BABY presents and gifts that you'll NEVER get to have... Tough Titmouse Yo)

#FuckYourHappiness
#SorrySuperBitterToday

krash_

@capnjackharkness I thought the same thing 

fitzfizz

@capnjackharkness Preach. That banner pissed me off. I am in a bitter old hag mood.

emeraldcity1214

I have noticed a lot of spoilers in the dailies with TW noting LC. I thought the TFAS was the thread to share frustrations and general chitchat related to LC. What’s in the spoilers isn’t pertinent to anything going on in the dailies. I think it’s a little unkind to do that to some of the ladies around here. Maybe I’m overstepping but why would you unnecessarily post ,even in a spoiler, about your LC in a place that is suppose to be a safe, non-triggering thread for the IF ladies. I thought one of the etiquette rules was to keep talk about LC in the TFAS thread or just not talk about them at all. 

Edit:fix spelling 

daisy528

So, I know I am one of the people who posted (at least today for sure) a TW regarding LC in the daily WTO. I will do a better job at being more conscious of what I am posting, and try and limit any mentions of LC to the TFAS thread. I know for myself there was not malicious intent when posting them, so I am definitely sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable. 

ETA: sometimes I know for me it’s just about making conversation to get to know people more, but I get how it can come off as insensitive. 

emeraldcity1214

@daisy528 It’s more about making a safe place for the loss and IF ladies to interact with everyone on the board. I know when someone announces their BFP and I have no clue who they are because they stuck to one of those threads I feel like maybe the dailies were too hard for them. Adding spoiler with TW for LC all throughout just makes it worse for those ladies. When it’s in everyone’s post it just becomes really disrespectful and inconsiderate. 

daisy528

@emeraldcity1214 totally understand that. That being said too, to your point, I know there are women who do interact with the solely the IF or loss threads who I don’t know at all. I would love to get to know more of these ladies, because I want to be able to cheer them on and offer support when needed. 

And I know I am on the newer side of being here, so maybe there is a reason why they stick to those threads (or maybe it’s because of people like myself who mention LCs in dailies and other posts🤦🏼‍♀️) 

ETA spelling issues 

capnjackharkness

@daisy528 I know there are a contingent of us that stick to loss/IF threads primarily (er well, I used to, as I'm now currently like some sort of permanently benched broken penguin, so I'm more like a polar plunge participant anymore).  But I know that I personally like NEVER participated in the dailies.  It was just too rough to be TTCAL and all the emotions and temping and tracking and all of that to be 'with the regulars/everyone else.'  Sometimes there was too much LC chatter for me.  But mostly there are always a bunch of newbies that are trying for their first or second kid, got KU within 6 cycles, no issues, and are just like "TTC and PG are all glorious rainbow unicorn farts."  I mean, more power to them, cause it really sucks to be on the other end of that, but I struggled with the dailies for that reason.  For me, getting a BFP is not a super happy "IT HAPPENED YES!" type thing, but more of a "OK, step 1 complete. Now buckle in and strap on cause shyte is about to get real" with the HCG levels and being afraid to see spotting EVERY time I went to the bathroom, etc.  So, being around for YEARS while hearing people lament about how they REALLY hope this is their month because it's been 4 cycles and they're going CRAZY and knowing that they'll likely get that stupid BFP and graduate and go have that living baby, while I'm twiddling my thumbs getting a BFP knowing it most likely will end in another MC and I'll be back on the bench and trying again... I just... couldn't.

keikilove

@Daisy528 I really appreciated your responses here, as well as how you said you’ll be conscious of it going forward. Thank you for that. Personally, I dip in and out of the dailies but identify more with the IF/loss threads (even though my participation there may be spotty as well.) My sentiments couldn’t be summed up any better than how @capnjackharkness put it. Getting a BFP is not a glorious celebration but a trepidatious “Ok, shoot...here we go again... can this one please stick? Can the hCG please rise this time?)  When I see the *TW: LC in the dailies I personally don’t love it but don’t mind it that much because I feel like people are just talking about their day-to-day and trying to get to know each other, & I assume they’re new & don’t know better. But the “ohmigod, this is month 3, why is this taking so long, waaah” really drives me nuts. Just my two cents.😉

chindimples04

I was one that TW in TWW today, too. I’m usually very careful and I try to stay conscious of others struggles and inner demons (because we totally have them, no matter how short or long your stay here as been). I usually keep LC talk to the TFAS chat, but every so often, my only R/R surrounds something about an LC. I will try to keep this conversations to TFAS from here on out. I just didn’t really have much else to say today. I’m sorry if it was triggering for anyone. That certainly wasn’t my intention.

edited for spelling

daisy528

@capnjackharkness I am glad that you have been interacting with other threads as of late because I think you're pretty funny! I like your snark and overall vibe! That being said, I understand your reasoning for stepping away from dailies (same with you @keikilove and probably everyone else on the IF/TCCAL threads).  

paytonpedro

I’m also here to apologize for the TW in WTO. It’s hard for me to come up with stuff sometimes so I’m also guilty of just making conversation in the daily’s. I will also try to be more mindful and conscious. So sorry to anyone I upset today. 

canucklehead123

I remember back in the day when I was active in 2017, there were no rules around posting about LC in the dailies and folks would chat freely about it (as having never had children at the time, I was always SO jealous of any LC chatter and it automatically excluded me from the convo).  Just adding my thoughts as maybe we should just have a no LC mention *at all* rule in the dailies.  Having said all of this, I have noticed a significant change in LC mentions in the dailies from when I was active back in 2017 and think people seem to be doing a really good job at respecting those rules on the whole.

capnjackharkness

@canucklehead123 Like a year or two ago there was a big push to ban most/all talk of LC from the dailies.  (why they are definitely ALL supposed to be TW now)  There was a huge convo where the decision basically was "If your kid broke your BBT before you could temp this morning, so it's pertinent to your TTC journey and post, then TW and mention it."  On the other hand, "If your kid stole your shoe this morning and you thought it was super cutesie but has no bearing on your TTC journey, then keep that to TFAS or keep mute about it in general." 
Again though, as newer people cycle through, things are always changing around here.

chindimples04

I think we all need to reevaluate how we talk about things. I don’t think it’s entirely fair to ban all talk of LC. But I also don’t think mentions of LC need to be constant. I think putting mentions of LC in a spoiler with a TW is more than sufficient to prevent those who may find the talk triggering to avoid it. But I think this also needs to be a two way conversation, as constant talk of MC and loss is also really stressful and triggering to read about for many people and those are very rarely put into trigger warnings on many threads. We can’t ban the talk of LC in daily and weekly threads if it’s triggering for some and not having the same conversation about mentions of MC and loss. And I’m sure this is an unpopular opinion.

fitzfizz

I will say I’m not personally triggered by talk of LC, but it does feel somewhat isolating in the dailies when you have no LC and can’t really contribute anything. I am a weirdo in that I don’t belong in the infertility thread or even really in TTC 6 months+, but I’m also definitely not a happy and optimistic newcomer either. I participate mainly in the dailies because the TTCAL board is monthly and not really active at all. I feel bad about regularly putting a **TW loss** in the dailies because I’m sure it does trigger some people but it helps to have the support. 

emeraldcity1214

@chindimples04 Talk about loss is suppose to be in a spoiler with a TW as well. 

canucklehead123

@chindimples04 I totally agree that MC and loss mentions should always have a TW

keikilove

@chindimples04 You actually have a good point about the MC/loss talk needing a TW. We have become lax about it lately. 🙋‍♀️  I think it’s become so much a part of our experience/identity for those of us who’ve been through it that we may not realize how triggering it can be to those who are going through TTC with still-happy rose-colored glasses on & a bounce in their step. I know that MC never ever crossed my mind until I went through it myself. I will do better to TW & put it in a spoiler as much as possible. 

@fitzfizz The TTCAL thread tends to go through ebbs & flows of activity. I personally *always* think about participating there & then change my mind because I don’t want loss to be so much of my identity or taking up so much of my mental focus. But the truth is whenever I think about posting there I should just do it, because others could use the support and I probably could too.💗

ETA: I think the directions for the Dailies are clear & that mention of LC should be very limited to what is pertinent and put in a spoiler. I will do the same for mention of MC/loss & try to keep my commentary to a minimum & in a spoiler if it’s outside of the TTCAL thread. 

chindimples04

@keikilove I think all of this was a great reminder for everyone. ❤️ I’ve definitely lost the bounce and hope, but I also haven’t been at this journey as long as many of you. I think most everyone experiences identity crisis on this board at some point or another. 

bows22

I think for my entire first year on this board (i joined in March 2019) I never saw one mention of LC in the dailies, other than maybe by a fleeting newbie. I honestly think it’s a result of the pandemic - we (general everyone) just don’t have as much going on in our lives anymore and therefore don’t have as much to talk about. But I still have the mindset that it’s not a topic for the dailies so I stick to other things (which is mainly work and I know is probably annoying in other ways haha).

I don’t think the talk of losses is the same thing though. I don’t lurk TTCAL because I feel like what is talked about there is so personal, so I welcome what everyone is comfortable sharing in the dailies because I want to be able to support what my friends are going through. I know that for many, TTGP is the one of the few safe places for you to share that part of your TTC journey, but it’s something that you need to be able to talk about! That’s what makes it different than the LC talk for me. 

Since I’m on a roll though I’ll add that I dropped out of TFAS a few months ago because there wasn’t a lot of support happening so I can definitely see why some people who have been around for awhile would rather talk about stuff going on with their kids in other places where they know they will get support. 

edit for clarity 

chindimples04

@bows22 I think a lot of your sentiment is accurate. Working from home during a pandemic leads to not a lot of interesting things happening in a lot of peoples lives. I also agree that TFAS is really just a “post here to mention LC” but doesn’t offer much support. It usually dies after everyone posts their one weekly update. 

capnjackharkness

Yeah, talk of MC/Loss is supposed to have a TW with it. I personally don't tend to follow that if I'm not mentioning details of my MCs.  As in, if I'm just mentioning my losses or babies in passing or whatever, I don't give a TW.  If I start to mention more in-depth things about my losses, then I do.

I'm sure that has rubbed some people wrong over the years, but I have mentioned it each time a convo like this has come up... I refuse to TW MY LIFE. (Especially now that I'm not really in the dailies and only participate here and there, on newbie posts, in weekly randoms, etc.)  THIS is my safe space. THIS is where I come when life has been too rough. THIS is where I come when my coworkers talk about how hard their life is with their new babies and that my childless hag self needs to stay 'in my own lane.' THIS is where I can relate and talk about my life. My 5 babies are a HUGE part of that life, and have fundamentally changed me. I am a HUGE advocate of speaking out about MC and loss and to end the stigma against it. In practically EVERY avenue of someone's life, they can talk about their children without qualms or without a TW or any warning at all. That is upsetting to a TON of loss parents in many many situations. THIS is basically the one place that parents are asked to evaluate if they 'should' talk about their kids in a certain thread, and if so to TW it.  Meanwhile, every place outside of here, society EXPECTS that I should TW my kids, or better yet to not talk about them and pretend that they don't exist and that I'm just super happy and bubbly all the time.  No one wants to talk about my pregnancies and pregnancy symptoms, because when they find out my PGs all ended in MC then they either stare horrified or are overwhelmed with pity. No one cares about the perfect PG announcement I wanted to do, or hear about it when they're discussing and brainstorming ideas about what they MAY want to do for their 10 week old PG. I'm supposed to shut up, be silent, 'get over' my losses, and be HAPPY and helpful to all the mommies out there. I've personally vowed to myself that even if I end up being a 1-man-band, I am working to change that. I DO join in those conversations, and I DO talk about my losses and my children. And I often talk about them in the same way/tone as parents talk about their living kids. And that's why I do it here as well. THIS is my support group and THIS is my safe space. So I want to be free to talk about my kids and PGs and losses here, without having to TW my life. 

But that's me.  #UOThursday

kiki047

*lurking*
@capnjackharkness as someone who has actually been around through many of your losses, I feel like I know you and I understand where you're coming from. But on that same token, I also know that you've had time to process and come to terms with your MC/losses in ways that others haven't because everyone is at a different point in their journeys. The *TW* isn't so much to censor you or make you feel like you need to "TW [your] life" any more than it is to censor the many members who have LC at home. It is a courtesy to those who are seeking the same kind of safe space that you so covet, who maybe aren't ready to lay it all on the table just yet. 
I say this as a friend, and with no ill-intentions, but sometimes I think you're given a pass because of your experiences but it doesn't make it right. Your presence on this board as an all-seeing Protector of the People has always been embraced but to those who are still actively TTC please respect their feelings too. This is as much their board as it is yours. 

capnjackharkness

@kiki047  That's fair, and makes sense. 
I guess I just see it more as talk about MC SHOULD be more normalized in society in general. It SHOULD be talked about more often than it is, and without the stigmas attached to it.  The main thing that happens after the majority of MCs is people say "I never imagined it would happen to me!  I know it happens, but I didn't think it was SO common and/or didn't realize it could/would happen for me."  And I feel that a lot of that is society embracing the stigmas of being silent about PG until you're 'safe' and then you announce and talk about the joys and celebrate children.  And if you don't make it to being 'safe' that you should just sit in silence in the corner.  And if you told anyone before you were 'safe' that it's your own fault and you should've known about the stats.  It just breaks a lot of people down because there's this stigma that MC happens, but it happens to OTHER people. Then when it happens to you, it shatters you and you find yourself wishing that you had KNOWN more about it and that it COULD happen to you. I just feel, like it or not, people and society should talk about it more often than they do, and we should here as well. I know that before I was a big advocate about breaking the stigmas on MC and speaking out (I know, I know, I'm definitely not a quiet internalizer-but back during my 1st MC I was only 'dipping my toes in the water' and was hesitant to join a forum and participate), I appreciated hearing about the nitty gritty of those who had had MCs (and multiple ones).  About how they coped and how they pulled through.  Without hearing them speak out, I may never have made it through my experiences. Hearing the outspoken situation of someone who'd had 5 MCs (legit, she was inspiration back then), allowed me to make it through my own first MC, and to realize that if she could make it through 5 MCs in a row with no success and still be trying, I could definitely make it through my first one. And my second one.  And to realize that if I had more than those 2, and hit that uncommon RPL, that there WERE people out there in that situation that had gone before me and would support me that I could look up to. Without seeing those stories to know that even though RPL is uncommon, it is still common enough that others have gone through it, and that it could happen to me and that I could get through it also, probably saved my life. 

I just feel that if MC were 'normalized' and that the actual statistics about PG were discussed more regularly, and stigmas against MC were lifted in society, we wouldn't even be having this conversation on this board. I'm also not a 'put my head in the sand and ignore the gritty parts of life' type of person either, but I do understand that some people prefer those 'rosy glasses.' I've just gotten frustrated over the years seeing everyone expecting all these TWs and ignoring MC stats and pretending PGs are all amazing and glorious and nothing ever happens, and then for a while being one of the people trying to help women pick up the pieces after a MC, with the number 1 thing they say "I never expected it to happen to ME." 
 

keikilove

@capnjackharkness I agree with you on so many aspects of your statements. I haven’t been public about my losses at all. I’ve posted absolutely nothing on social media that would alert people that I’m in the loss mom camp, but I expect I will one day. Before I ever had a loss I had a friend who shared about how he and his wife had a stillborn baby two days after her due date. They shared photos of their family in the hospital room. They have continued to post about her over the years, including her name and things in family photos. Then I had my first loss that was like nothing I ever could’ve prepared myself for, and suddenly I saw another friend posting about her beautiful baby who was stillborn on her due date. She also posts frequently and includes the baby’s name in their holiday posts, etc. When I was going through my second loss silently, a friend posted openly on social media that she was crushed by having a 10-week loss. These people all gave me life and buoyancy when I wanted to throw in the towel—because they were surviving. They were making it through these devastating experiences and helping others by sharing their stories. I’m not there yet, but I want to be one day. I find my safe space here. I actually appreciate how many have experienced MC (I don’t ‘like’ it, but I appreciate seeing it normalized on these boards) and seeing how common it is and that I’m not a horrible person for having had so many losses now. So, I get where you’re coming from and I appreciate you being an advocate. I hope I will be able to help others one day by being open with my story outside of TTGP. 

emeraldcity1214

For me, as far as MC talk, I don’t mind it but sometimes I am not in a place where I can read about it. I’m still grieving and this time of year is the hardest for me because the anniversary is coming up. Most of the time I click on the spoiler and read it but I am always grateful for the times when I am just not in a place to where I can read something like that without breaking down. So having the option to not open the spoiler is nice on those days. I’m generally not a sensitive person either. I think we are all going through our up and downs as anniversaries come up. So having everything tucked away in the spoiler is nice.