Ask a STM+ in January

roo_baby · January 2020

Also called the “stupid questions” thread, welcome to a safe place to ask (almost) anything. Here’s where you can ask all of your burning questions when you haven’t been able to get a clear answer from Google. You don’t have to be a STM+ to answer, however it’s best to give answers from your own personal experience or widely trusted resources (e.g. a physician or a quote from a pregnancy book).

As a reminder, we are not medical professionals and will not answer questions such as “do you see a line on this hpt?” And “do you think it’s a boy or girl based on my early ultrasound?” anywhere on this board, including this thread.

roo_baby · January 2020

How does no one have dumb questions yet? I have done this once before and am still full of them so I will get this party started.

What’s the farthest you would feel comfortable traveling via plane at 7 mo pregnant? Last time I traveled quite a bit, mostly 1-2 hr flights and one ~6 hr cross country at about 33 weeks, but this time it seems daunting to do more than 4 hrs on a plane, especially with a toddler.

sarah0985 · January 2020

@roo_baby with my first I lived out of the country and I wasn’t willing to leave my country I was in once I was 3rd trimester. Too much with visas, insurance, paperwork needed, etc.
I live in the USA now and I’d be comfortable traveling anywhere in the USA. Knowing the paperwork and time involved, I would not travel out of the country unless a family emergency occurred.

roo_baby · January 2020

@sarah0985 I wouldn’t go anywhere that requires a visa (though I can get to a good number of countries without one), I think my nervousness is around if something happens and I need medical attention, as well as being super uncomfortable sitting for that long. My family is trying to plan a trip and I’m the party pooper who is like “this destination an hour drive away seems lovely”.

coldlife · January 2020

I'm pretty comfortable traveling just about any time. We took a ten-hour road trip (round trip) when I was 36 weeks.

I've flown at 20 weeks. I haven't had a reason to later than that, but I'd be fine doing so as late as providers/airlines allow. And I'd be fine with long trips, too.

rivercitynik · January 2020

I've been wondering this too! I travel around 60% of the time for work, and for staffing reasons will need to decide soon-ish what my cut-off date is for work travel. I'm leaning towards 33 weeks. For those of you who have traveled/flown later in pregnancy, do you have any tips for making it more comfortable?

gomillis · January 2020

@roo_baby Even if it’s technically safe, I feel like it’s totally reasonable for you to say you don’t want to do a long trip while super pregnant because of the discomfort alone.

roo_baby · January 2020

@rivercitynik I traveled for work last time every other week until 36 weeks but it was all domestic and mostly short flights. It was fine. My biggest travel issue was in my 1st tri when they told me I had to gate check my bag and I started crying and they said they wouldn’t let me on the plane unless I calmed down which of course made me cry harder. I ended up calming down eventually, but it was super embarrassing.

I think you can figure out what is right for you once you are in the final stretch. Airlines won’t let you travel past 36 weeks, and your doctor can give you a note restricting travel before then if you want. Some people get really bad hip and tailbone pain, and if that happens you will want to stop sooner.

Eta my best tip: get one of those squishy neck pillows and put it under your butt to make the seat more comfy. Other than that, pack light and travel as usual. Once you are traveling and pumping (if you choose to bf) I will have plenty more travel tips for you.

radiohd18 · January 2020

I remember not wanting to fly past 6 months because I was worried of having a problem away from home. I also didn't like long car trips because I couldn't sit comfortably for more than 30 minutes at a time. I also told DH not to travel after 36 weeks because I wanted him nearby.

Now... I think I would probably do something similar because I am a ninny. I am taking two international trips before the summer this year though, as they were booked many months ago.

ziggymama06 · January 2020

These are great! Thanks for getting the party started @roo_baby! I'm a FTM and looking to book a babymoon early June around 28ish weeks. Thinking maybe Bermuda, since it's a short flight from NYC area, or USVI because I don't need to clear customs.

Have any STM+ taken babymoons? Where did you go and how was your experience? Any recommendations?

tyrion_ · January 2020

My point of view is severely skewed by where I used to work so take it with a giant grain of salt.

***TW preemies discussed below***

I used to work at a level 3 NICU in a popular family vacation area. I saw way too many “vacation” preemies and as a result won’t travel after viability.

However, my dad fell and became paralyzed when I was 8.5 months pregnant with my second and I drove 2-2.5 hours each way on the weekends to visit him where they had him for rehab up until I was 39 weeks. I just took a folder with all of my pregnancy and health history and insurance information.

@ziggymama06 We did a baby moon to Islamorada (down in the Florida Keys) when I was 20 weeks with my first. It was a 6 hour drive but my belly was still pretty small and it wasn’t uncomfortable. No baby moon for #2.

roo_baby · January 2020

@tyrion_ thank you for sharing. I obviously don’t want a vacation preemie at all, but I’m especially terrified of having one in a foreign country. I feel like if it’s a major US city I could manage that as good as one manages a very hard situation.

That said, @ziggymama06 we did our 1st baby moon in Canada. I think anywhere from 20-30 weeks is good. Before that, you may still be pretty sick. After, you may be too uncomfortable. We plan to do one again this time, Probably in March or April, but not sure where yet. Really it’s just a trip, but it’s nice to have one last trip before your whole life changes.

rivercitynik · January 2020

@roo_baby thanks for the tip re: the squishy neck pillow

I'm hoping to breastfeed so once we get to that point I would definitely love your tips for managing that while traveling w/o baby.

I'm also hoping to squeeze in a few special trips (including with some girlfriends and family members) before baby comes. I just want somewhere warm where I can float and have a fun frozen mocktail!

I'm meeting with a doula practice next week to "interview" their team and decide on who will be the best fit. Any STM+ have experience hiring a doula? Is there anything I should ask or look for that I might not think of? (ie: how many births have you attended? what type of training? etc.)

blackgirlmagic · January 2020

I plan on doing about a 22 hour road trip around 33 weeks, as long as everything is ok, with an over night stay during the drive. I feel like I would not fly past 33 weeks unless it was a family emergency.

pengy16 · January 2020

We did a babymoon when I was 12-14 weeks with my son. We didn't plan it exactly, we had planned to go on a land/sea cruise to Alaska/Canada and then found out I was pregnant shortly before the trip. We had to forgo certain excursions/amenities we had planned but otherwise had a great time. I was still exhausted so we called it an early night most days. It's a beautiful place to go and totally worth while trip.

blackgirlmagic · January 2020

I'm going to Japan this Saturday if you want to call that a babymoon. To me a babymoon is just a vacation, nothing fancy.

radiohd18 · January 2020

@blackgirlmagic have a great time in Japan! Not sure where you live now, but it's a long trip to Tokyo. Amazing!

ziggymama06 · January 2020

@blackgirlmagic OMG How exciting!!! Are you still going to Australia after that?? Have an amazing trip and I hope you have smooth flights

@tyrion_ I love Islamorada - so beautiful... I saw a manatee while dining on the water in June! Hubs and I drove from Miami through the keys spending two nights in Miami, three in Key Largo, and three in Key West for our anniversary this past June. I do sort of wish we saved the Keys for our babymoon, but then it definitely wouldn't have been the same trip if we did! I'm not sure that I mind going back again because I truly love the Keys... great food and the sunsets were just breathtaking

sarah0985 · January 2020

@rivercitynik I had a doula. There was only one in my town though. I do wish I had clicked more with mine but I liked her and I do believe she supported me in ways my h was not capable of. I would ask how they handle certain situations you may be nervous about and also just have a regular conversation to see who you like most. I knew mine “well” in that I attended her prenatal yoga weekly and her birthing classes.

samsonator · January 2020

@ziggymama06 We did a babymoon at 28 weeks with my first. We drove 14+ hours to Fort Walton/ Destin Florida. It was fun! I wasn't that uncomfortable except in the beach chairs. I'd get sore in those and have to walk around a bit. I'd do it again! We are going on spring break when I'm 18ish weeks pregnant this time

emiliadkay · January 2020

@rivercitynik We did not end up getting a doula, but I think they're a wonderful resource. I'd be sure to ask (i) how many births they take on in a given month (affects the likelihood that they're available for YOU) and (ii) what their backup arrangements are if they're not able to attend your birth.

@ziggymama06 We did a short babymoon at 22 weeks. Honestly, I don't know if I would do it again -- drinking, eating adventurously and exploring a city on foot are such a big part of enjoying a vacation for me, it felt like a waste. I was also really tired and hadn't properly accounted for that in our planning. If I could do it again, I'd book a really great hotel room and plan to either lay on a beach or curl up in front of a fireplace, and spend a lot of time in a spa.

ziggymama06 · January 2020

@emiliadkay I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your babymoon as much as you had hoped to... where did you go? I know exactly what you mean when seeing a new city hubs and I like to explore on foot but i don't envision that type of trip. What you mentioned is exactly what I plan on doing.... lots of relaxing in the sunshine on a beach or by the pool with a spa day lol.

blackgirlmagic · January 2020

radiohd18 we are flying out of New York so it's a pretty long flight.
ziggymama06 we are no longer going to Australia. We canceled that trip Monday and my husband really wanted to take a trip somewhere, and we both really wanted to go to Japan, so we picked there. If it wasn't for the Austraila trip coming up a couple months ago, I would have never planned a trip to save my leave for the maternity leave. I think I will only be able to pay myself for 9 weeks and then take 3 weeks of unpaid leave.

ziggymama06 · January 2020

@blackgirlmagic I'm sorry that Australia fell through, but probably for the best with everything going on there right now. I'm glad you were able to book another amazing trip so quickly! I'd love to visit Japan. Have a blast!

kgrgreen · January 2020

How much time did everyone get for maternity leave with their other littles?

radiohd18 · January 2020

@kgrgreen I took the full FMLA 12 weeks, but my company only paid me for 6 weeks. Then I used 2 weeks vacation to help supplement lost pay and then went unpaid for the last 4 weeks.
Being unpaid is not great at all, but I wouldn't give up the protected time with my baby.

tara4910 · January 2020

@kgrgreen I was put off work at 37 weeks by my MD (delivered at 40+5, so had 3+ weeks before baby on disability), and then took 12 weeks of maternity leave. I live in California and received about 50% of my salary during those 12 weeks from the state. This time I won’t have the same state benefits, but I’ll probably try to take 12-16 weeks again even if some is unpaid.

WishesSheCouldCook · January 2020

@kgrgreen last time I took an extended leave of absence from December-August. It was amazing. I had PTO saved up from working 10 years so I was paid through April then did unpaid w/cobra for the rest. It was expensive but so nice. This time most of it will be unpaid I am hoping to take the full 12 if we can swing it.

roo_baby · January 2020

@kgrgreen that’s a complicated question because what you can take (in the US, I know we have some international mamas too) varies by employer, state and sometimes even county. And then you have to decide what you want to take within those allowances. Many of us will be guaranteed 12 weeks under FMLA (see @coldlife's note below about some exceptions), and I would suggest taking the full amount of you can afford it (for many mamas it’s unpaid or not fully paid). If your state gives you more protected time, take it. No matter how long you take is never going to feel like enough. Last time I took 3.5 months and then returned to work part-time until my LO was a year old. This time I plan to do 5-6 months up front and then go back full time, but only half of that will be paid.

moguippy · January 2020

We took a “baby moon” when I was 20 weeks with my first. In actuality, it was a trip to Disney we had planned before I knew I was pregnant. Flying was fine (it was about 3-4 hours each way). I wouldn’t suggest Disney as you can’t go on most rides if you’re pregnant lol. We won’t be taking a babymoon this time. Maybe a weekend away but probably not.

H is going on a trip 4000+ miles away when I am 32 weeks pregnant and it’s making me a little nervous since I am high risk and DS was almost 3 weeks early.

Last time I had gotten laid off at 24 weeks pregnant so I was unemployed and then started my new job when DS was 13 weeks old. It actually worked out well (since I got paid unemployment the whole time which was about half my salary) but was a lot more stress than I needed. I live in NJ so my state offers 6-8 weeks partially paid disability (depending on vaginal/csection) plus an additional 12 weeks partially paid bonding. I hope to take all of that but H is currently unemployed and I have always been the primary breadwinner so it will really depend on financials.

smsaulino · January 2020

Thank you soooo much for starting this thread. I had no idea this thread existed until now. I'll definitely be following it. I asked this on the weekly check in but I guess this is the appropriate thread.

Does anyone have any suggestions/tips/advice for having two under two? This little is due about a week before DD 2nd birthday.

wildrainbow · January 2020

@smsaulino Routines, routines, routines. Seriously, before ds2 was born, I got ds1 on a routine that only changed on pain of death. Even when I had appts, his sitter knew to stick to the routine. The routine helped soooooo much when we brought ds2 home. He knew when he was supposed to go to bed, etc. Also, we live our life by a timer, it gives a tangible ending to an activity, or a notice that it's bedtime, etc. I'm not saying it will curb all the crazy, but it does help. I can give a 5 minute warning then do a timer and it helps with transition, instead of just abruptly ending, so to speak.

blackgirlmagic · January 2020

@smsaulino I won't have two under two, but I agree with a routine. My daughter thrives on a routine. We can get away from without having a nap here or there, depending on what we are doing, but she is a hot mess when she is off her schedule. It's funny because my MIL doesn't necessarily following our routine when she has her. But when we get her back, she falls right back into easily. And yes to the 5 minute warning. Stopping something without notice is starting a battle with my daughter. But if I give her a count down, she is good!

coldlife · January 2020

I don't mean to nitpick, but to what @roo_baby said, not everyone in the US is eligible for FLMA. The two biggest caveats to that are you have to work for an employer with more than 50 employees, and you have to have worked there for at least 12 months. Some states will have stricter requirements than the federal law that may benefit you, and some employers may extend it to you anyway even if they don't legally have to.

@smsaulino, I had two under two and will have two under 1.5 this time (three under 3.5).

The biggest thing, potty train your oldest! It may take some time. We started right at 18 months with our first, and she was far from perfect by the time her sister was born two months later. But, I am sooooo glad we had that progress made. Our second will only be 17 months when this one arrives, so we probably won't be able to, and I'm disappointed. I plan to start again the day she turns 18 months.

emiliadkay · January 2020

@ziggymama06 We went to Phoenix, which had awesome weather (this was in February) and is close to both our hearts -- DH lived there briefly, including for the 1.5 years we dated long distance, so flying to Phoenix was the highlight of my existence for a bit. I realize my first post came off unintentionally negative about the whole "babymoon experience" -- you should absolutely do one if you want to! Especially since it sounds like you're already smarter than I am and planning for your pregnant self and her new druthers.

@kgrgreen I took the full 12 weeks (we're covered by FMLA) with half paid by my employer. IMO, it wasn't nearly long enough, and I would have taken longer if I could. The first 8 weeks were so hard, so sleep deprived, and I felt like I was only just starting to get to the "good stuff" at 12 weeks. That said, my SIL started a new job during her pregnancy and had no FMLA protection, so had to go back at just 6 weeks. She made it work. It can be done.

cornichonmam · January 2020

@blackgirlmagic Have a great time in Japan, I'm dead jelous my brother lives there and we havent managed a trip there yet. If you have moring sickness take plently of remedies with you the jet lag made my morning sickness SO bad last time.

As for the time off I'm just going to appologise and say that in the UK you can have up to a year off and you get some money for 9 months of that. Though I do know a lady from Estonia they get 18 month paid leave!

tyrion_ · January 2020

So, opposite of @coldlife I didn’t bother potty training because my son wasn’t ready and I didn’t want that extra stress. And having two in diapers wasn’t really that much more work. The thought of regressions and accidents when being out with two kids was too much for me. We waited until he was almost 3 and showing obvious signs of readiness. He trained in a day and I can count on one hand how many accidents he’s ever had. Then there was my daughter that forced my hand at 22 months. Total opposites.

I also want to add that if you are a part time employee you may not qualify for 12 weeks of FMLA depending on your state. I made that terrible discovery when I filed for leave with my second and was approved for only 6 weeks. There was an option to extend an additional 6 weeks but that is at the discretion of your immediate manager. I was thankful my manager approved it. But I imagine in some cases it isn’t approved.

riatortillaxo · January 2020

My school district isn't generous with maternity leave. We can stay home for a full year and my job is safe but I only get paid for what I can cover with sick leave. I took 9 weeks with my last and I had enough sick leave to cover it all, but that was just last school year so my sick leave bank is not nearly full enough to do that again. My husband and I have to figure all that out, but this one will most likely be a c section so I'm for sure taking 8 weeks.

I also appreciate the 2 under 2 advice! Keep them coming!

tyrion_ · January 2020

My sister went back to work at 2 weeks post partum because leave policies were abysmal and they couldn’t afford the unpaid time off. I can’t wrap my brain around that. This was 19 years ago but still. Not much has changed to be honest.

samsonator · January 2020

Last time I was off until she turned 5 months because I had her in the summer so I was already off and then I took my full 12 weeks after that (about half paid). With this one, I am not full-time (.70) so I don't qualify for FMLA. They only guarantee 6 weeks. I do have about 15 weeks of paid time but my understanding is that I can't take that all at once unless I have a medical note. So I might end up quitting because 6 weeks won't work for me. I hate to see all that paid time off go to waste though

luckily my job is in demand so I can find a job next January to help with income.

roo_baby · January 2020

@coldlife is absolutely right that not everyone will be eligible for FMLA. I will make that edit above too to avoid confusion. Thanks for catching that!

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