First appointment with the MFM bright and early tomorrow (12/3) morning in the city. Lots of questions. Hoping to get lots of answers. Probably having and amnio tomorrow as well as the consult. Had to take the whole day off work since the office is over 2 hours away, though this doctor does come up to my regular office once a week, so in future I should be able to see her much closer to home.
@pirateduck Good luck tomorrow. I was just wondering this morning if you had your appointment today. FX everything looks great. I'll be thinking of you.
@pirateduck I’ll still see MFM every 2 weeks for an ultrasound until 36 weeks, but the echo was the D-Day for this pregnancy. He could still have a small defect, but nothing catastrophic like last time. Anything they find now will be fixable.
Just got a call from Kaiser to schedule my AS. They were like, "We're calling to schedule and we don't have any appointments until January 7!" I'll be almost 22 weeks by then. Major eye roll. So I called them back and they "found a cancellation" on December 27, which is almost even more annoying because I really wanted to get in before Christmas. I have my 16 week appointment today and I think I'm going to ask to be put on a call list if there's a cancellation the week before Christmas.
@soprano19 That is exactly the reason I try to schedule all of my appointment super far ahead of time. After my anatomy scan I think I will schedule the rest of my appointments for the pregnancy.
@m6agua Kaiser is such a machine that they won't schedule things more than one appointment in advance, otherwise I would have scheduled my AS back at my 12 week appointment. I totally knew this would happen.
@soprano19 That’s extremely annoying. You’re in NorCal right? Is the clinic really busy?
I’m with Kaiser in SoCal and they managed to schedule most of my appointments ahead of time. At my first visit, I scheduled all my Dr appointments through 28 weeks and I scheduled my A/S for the 17th back in October. I think the reason I was able to make appointments that far in advance is because I go to the small satellite clinic and not the main hospital.
Ok. Here is my update. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will try and keep it short...
Yesterday I had an appointment to meet an MFM and potentially have an amnio. My husband and I learned through our prenatal testing that we are both SMA carriers (to the shock of my mother as there's no history in my family and she had either an amnio or CVS when last pregnant). This means our baby is considered high risk for SMA, with the chance of contracting it at 25%. To say I am surprised, stressed, and devastated is an understatement. It took us 3 years to get pregnant, have no children, and we also recently suffered a loss, so a healthy baby is very much wanted in our family right now.
The MFM was great. Very informative, knowledgeable, thorough, compassionate, etc. She was clear, made things easy to understand, answered all our questions, etc. We learned that through an amnio we could not only learn whether or not our baby has SMA but also the severity/where the baby may fall on the spectrum.
I personally feel that the risks associated with the procedure are small and I did not fear the procedure itself because I had a similar procedure performed in the past. I want to know whether or not my baby is healthy. I am beyond stressed being in limbo like this and want some relief and want to be able to move on to the next step, whatever that may be. Ideally the test shows everything is healthy and good and I can begin to enjoy my pregnancy. This constant worry and stress on my part cannot be good for me and/or the baby.
So I had the procedure. Test results take different lengths of time to come back depending what they are testing for. Mine should be back in about 10 business days/2 weeks. Honestly, this is not a procedure to be feared. You get stuck with a needle. It is not any worse physically than a blood draw and does not take any longer. The entire time there is also an ultrasound tech there for guidance to make sure they are in the perfect position. You get to see the baby and hear the heartbeat before, during, and after the procedure to know that everything is ok. They don't even require a follow up appointment to check on anything, unless you experience any symptoms to indicate anything is amiss. I had some cramping yesterday (for lack of a better word), more like the soreness that came after my flu vaccination, and that was it. So now I hold my breath and wait for results.
The bad. There was a discussion that touched on this a week or so ago on The Bump. Aside from my terrible and stressful drive to the city, the whole experience put a huge strain on my relationship and at a time when I am already stressed and want/need love and support my husband and I were arguing. We did not see eye to eye, and knowing our personalities and beliefs, never would on this issue. He did not think the risk was worth it. He did not think I should have the procedure, for various reasons I won't get into now. I wanted nothing more than to have the procedure and know with a level of certainty what we are in for. A woman in Colorado does not need any sort of consent from her baby daddy/partner for any pre-natal testing or care. I don't think the father's rights kick in until after birth. So while he had a say he had no say and this was hurtful, and I am upset that we couldn't agree and one of us would be hurt by the choice either way. I know on this board we were talking about what things the father should or shouldn't have a say in and it's certainly tricky. This is the first thing that's come up in pregnancy where we both firmly held opposite views, we've agreed on pretty much everything else.
@pirateduck firstly, I just want to send you all my good vibes and wishes that your baby is healthy and you can enjoy your pregnancy after you get a clear bill of health.
It is SO hard when you are at odds with your partner about something like this. It happened to me when we found out about our son’s diagnosis: I wanted to fly cross country and have a third trimester termination, my spouse was completely against that choice. I ended up going to term with the pregnancy.
There is no advice I can give you about this except for this: when dealing with the possibility of a critically or chronically ill child, I firmly believe it is imperative that you have every scrap of information possible. This doesn’t just have implications for your family now, it will affect your family and your possible future children for the rest of your lives. YOU are the one carrying this child, and you are most likely the one who is going to be doing the brunt of caring for a disabled child. 25% is too high of a chance to f*ck around because the risk of miscarriage is 1%. I know you want to be fair to your partner, but he (IMO) is dead wrong.
I’ll get off my soapbox now, but just know if you need a shoulder, mine is here.
@pirateduck I have everything crossed for good amnio results. Regarding your disagreement with YH, I hope you're both able to move past this quickly. Frankly, given the potential for early medical intervention, I think you made the responsible choice - God forbid, but if your baby needs a team of doctors ready at birth, you need to know that early. I wonder if part of YH's hesitation is the fear that amnio results might make it more real, whereas, thinking there's only a 25% chance gives him a few more months to not have to deal with it emotionally. Regardless, it's a very difficult situation and it makes sense that emotions would be high. Sending hugs. ❤❤
Thank you @ieles2531 . I know there's not a right and wrong answer and a lot boils down to personal beliefs. It's not what's right, but what's right for you in your situation, which is hard, and no one else can give you that answer.
I'm assuming you and your husband were able to reconcile your differences as best you can? Were you both able to come to terms with the decisions that were made in the end? My husband seems to fear that this is an indication that I will continue to ignore his point of view or that what he thinks doesn't matter. It does matter, and that is why I am upset right now. I know I hurt him by doing this and I care about him.
Thank you @ruby696 there is a lot at play with both of our thoughts and emotions for sure. I know we both approach and process things differently, and this is part of that. I'm sure he is scared of the results as well, and I agree that sometimes ignorance is bliss. I wasn't planning on having carrier screening and my doctor ran this along with a million other tests and I didn't realize (my fault for not asking more questiosns). I wish I could undo this knowledge, but I can't. I have the test results and need to move on and make decisions based on that.
@pirateduck I'm sorry you're having to deal with this marital strain on top of the uncertainty with the baby. Have you two ever discussed trying couple's therapy? It may not be necessary, but if it becomes a lingering issue it could help you find common ground and feel more supported. Hoping for all the best with your results and everything.
@pirateduck Just commenting on your post to @ieles2531 - YH needs to understand the difference between parenting decisions and medical decisions. He has an equal say in parenting decisions once baby is born. He does NOT get a say in your medical decisions. He needs to get used to that - his opinion will not be taken into consideration by any doctor at any point in your pregnancy. He might not like it and he might not think it's fair, but just like you don't get to decide if he has surgery or whether he should take medication, he doesn't get to decide if you have amnio, get an epidural, have a c-section, who gets to be in the room during delivery, etc. I'm sure that's a tough pill to swallow, but he's going to need to accept it. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and he's being incredibly unsupportive right now. Sorry - rant over. I'm probably still mad he wouldn't let you roll down the window.
@ruby696 the car window! Ugh. He is one of these people that has to control the heat/ac/car windows at all times I don't think he could wrap his head around the fact that I would put the window down for any reason other than being too hot. I try and bring layers when I ride in the car with him! I would be thrilled if someone rolled down the window instead of puking in my car!
And yes, it is a medical decision, but it was a test on the baby and not a test on me and I do value his opinion, but I also value the opinion of my doctors and I had 3 different doctors recommend and amnio. I'm not mad at him either. I just don't want to be fighting. Today was definitely better than yesterday. He wanted a kiss when I was walking out the door for work this morning whereas yesterday he said don't touch me and glared. So it will be ok.
Oh, and the woman I work with is also a temperature/thermostat control freak in the office so yeah, that combined with my hormones, I wear lots of layers every day!
@pirateduck we had three options for our pregnancy: termination (which is not legal past 24 weeks in FL and would have required a lot of work and money because I was already 32 weeks), full term delivery and palliative care, or delivery and then at least 3 open heart surgeries with a transplant in childhood. I would have chosen to terminate because it would have been easier on all of us, but my husband wanted to meet our son alive and be able to hold him as he passed away. I thought it would be too much for me to handle. Ultimately, we had several sessions with a counselor trained in marriage and grief, and after exploring all three of our choices, we decided on option 2. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard, and that there wasn’t resentment toward him. I, like your husband, felt completely out of control and like what I wanted didn’t matter. Part of my husband’s reasoning was that he wouldn’t be able to come with me, since we had a 3 year old and he had to work.
It’s hard when you disagree about something important on a fundamental level. I’d suggest at least one session with a counselor just to see if there’s a way you could both calmly frame your opinion in a way that makes sense to the other.
Also, just because you made the final ruling this time doesn’t mean that it will be that way in the future. A little reassurance goes a long way.
@pirateduck I'm 100% with @ruby696 on what she said: your H should be an equal partner in parenting decisions, but not in medical decisions like this. Yes, it is his baby too, but like @ieles2531 said, it's best to have as much information as possible in order to make an informed decision. I think you did the right thing, although I'm sorry it has caused tension in your marriage.
@drkoyya I am in NorCal. My OB is at a smaller clinic, but we have to go to one of the nearby Kaiser hospitals for the major ultrasounds (NT and AS), so maybe that's part of it. I'm over it at this point, since there's nothing I can do and it's really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme.
I had my 16 week appointment yesterday and all is good. We listened to the heartbeat (and also some rolls/kicks), and it was extra fun because DD was there and got to hear it and help the OB push buttons on the Doppler and stuff. It was super cute.
@soprano19 DS gets to come to my 18 week appt and DD gets to come to the AS! I'm so excited (assuming everything looks good with the babies) for my kids to see their new siblings! I bet your daughter loved being at your appt.
@ruby696 she did love it! Unfortunately Kaiser doesn't allow children at the AS, otherwise we'd bring her. I would love for her to see an ultrasound at some point.
@soprano19 and other ladies who can do this, I think it's awesome if you can bring your kiddos to at least one US appointment! When I was 10 I went to an US appointment with my mom when she was pregnant with my sister and it stuck with me to this day, even though I didn't know what I was looking at half the time!
@pirateduck hoping for some speedy and good results for you. Hopefully you and YH can take some time to talk it out and discuss any future decisions positively.
@pirateduck I 1000% agree with what everyone else has said in support of your decision. Primarily for the fact that knowing what you’re up against makes for completely different decisions. I’m hoping that your baby is perfectly healthy, but in the event that they are not, you need to know so you can decide A) if you want to carry to FT or b) where you will deliver. A baby with SMA needs specialized medical care at a top-notch children’s hospital. You don’t want to take the chance of not knowing and delivering at a community hospital, then having to lose precious time (not to mention extra stress) trying to get a very fragile newborn to an appropriate facility. I also hope you take advantage of some couples counseling even if things are okay with baby. Having professional insights And guidance into your communication can make a great difference. If YH won’t go, I would recommend it for you alone too.
Edit: inappropriate emoji substituted for point b)
@pirateduck I am so sorry you're going through this and feeling so isolated in your decisions. I 100% agree you made the right decision, and I'm sorry YH can't be more supportive of that. Being prepared for a 25% risk outweighs a 1% risk of MC by 25x, in my mind. I do risk analysis as part of my daily job, and can tell you if this wasn't such a deeply personal topic, there would be zero question when making a decision between 1% risk and 25% risk. But I do understand how deeply personal and emotional this is, and that makes logic sometimes go out the window. I hope he comes around and forgives you. Most of all, I hope you guys are in the 75% and have a totally healthy rainbow baby!
Also, I am jealous of everyone who can bring their LOs to the ultrasound. I feel like DS would love that (and he even has a book called Waiting for Baby where the big kid gets to see the baby on the ultrasound) but my hospital doesn't allow kids in the US room, sadly.
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@shamrocandroll I really want to bring DD to our anatomy ultrasound, I have no clue if it is allowed or not. However I don't think we will be bringing her. She has her winter program at daycare that morning, and I have the appointment right after and I don't think she would be able to sit nicely for that long. Then I am also terrified if we find out something is wrong I don't want her with.
@m6agua and @shamrocandroll Honestly, we're only bring ours because DS gets out of school at 2:30 on the 13th and my appt is at 3:00 and DD doesn't go to preschool on Mondays, which is the day of my AS. We're pretty anti-technology for kids, but we'll bring a tablet with a movie for her for that appt because it's going to be pretty long. I'm excited they get to have a chance to see the babies, but it would definitely be easier if they weren't there.
Re: December Appointments
BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks;
BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016
@pirateduck Good luck tomorrow! I’ll be thinking happy healthy baby thoughts
@pirateduck FX for a good appointment today!
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019@ieles2531 yay! That's great news!
@pirateduck thinking of you today. Please keep us posted!
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
Yesterday I had an appointment to meet an MFM and potentially have an amnio. My husband and I learned through our prenatal testing that we are both SMA carriers (to the shock of my mother as there's no history in my family and she had either an amnio or CVS when last pregnant). This means our baby is considered high risk for SMA, with the chance of contracting it at 25%. To say I am surprised, stressed, and devastated is an understatement. It took us 3 years to get pregnant, have no children, and we also recently suffered a loss, so a healthy baby is very much wanted in our family right now.
The MFM was great. Very informative, knowledgeable, thorough, compassionate, etc. She was clear, made things easy to understand, answered all our questions, etc. We learned that through an amnio we could not only learn whether or not our baby has SMA but also the severity/where the baby may fall on the spectrum.
I personally feel that the risks associated with the procedure are small and I did not fear the procedure itself because I had a similar procedure performed in the past. I want to know whether or not my baby is healthy. I am beyond stressed being in limbo like this and want some relief and want to be able to move on to the next step, whatever that may be. Ideally the test shows everything is healthy and good and I can begin to enjoy my pregnancy. This constant worry and stress on my part cannot be good for me and/or the baby.
So I had the procedure. Test results take different lengths of time to come back depending what they are testing for. Mine should be back in about 10 business days/2 weeks. Honestly, this is not a procedure to be feared. You get stuck with a needle. It is not any worse physically than a blood draw and does not take any longer. The entire time there is also an ultrasound tech there for guidance to make sure they are in the perfect position. You get to see the baby and hear the heartbeat before, during, and after the procedure to know that everything is ok. They don't even require a follow up appointment to check on anything, unless you experience any symptoms to indicate anything is amiss. I had some cramping yesterday (for lack of a better word), more like the soreness that came after my flu vaccination, and that was it. So now I hold my breath and wait for results.
The bad. There was a discussion that touched on this a week or so ago on The Bump. Aside from my terrible and stressful drive to the city, the whole experience put a huge strain on my relationship and at a time when I am already stressed and want/need love and support my husband and I were arguing. We did not see eye to eye, and knowing our personalities and beliefs, never would on this issue. He did not think the risk was worth it. He did not think I should have the procedure, for various reasons I won't get into now. I wanted nothing more than to have the procedure and know with a level of certainty what we are in for. A woman in Colorado does not need any sort of consent from her baby daddy/partner for any pre-natal testing or care. I don't think the father's rights kick in until after birth. So while he had a say he had no say and this was hurtful, and I am upset that we couldn't agree and one of us would be hurt by the choice either way. I know on this board we were talking about what things the father should or shouldn't have a say in and it's certainly tricky. This is the first thing that's come up in pregnancy where we both firmly held opposite views, we've agreed on pretty much everything else.
I'm assuming you and your husband were able to reconcile your differences as best you can? Were you both able to come to terms with the decisions that were made in the end? My husband seems to fear that this is an indication that I will continue to ignore his point of view or that what he thinks doesn't matter. It does matter, and that is why I am upset right now. I know I hurt him by doing this and I care about him.
And yes, it is a medical decision, but it was a test on the baby and not a test on me and I do value his opinion, but I also value the opinion of my doctors and I had 3 different doctors recommend and amnio. I'm not mad at him either. I just don't want to be fighting. Today was definitely better than yesterday. He wanted a kiss when I was walking out the door for work this morning whereas yesterday he said don't touch me and glared. So it will be ok.
@drkoyya I am in NorCal. My OB is at a smaller clinic, but we have to go to one of the nearby Kaiser hospitals for the major ultrasounds (NT and AS), so maybe that's part of it. I'm over it at this point, since there's nothing I can do and it's really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme.
I had my 16 week appointment yesterday and all is good. We listened to the heartbeat (and also some rolls/kicks), and it was extra fun because DD was there and got to hear it and help the OB push buttons on the Doppler and stuff. It was super cute.
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
Also, I am jealous of everyone who can bring their LOs to the ultrasound. I feel like DS would love that (and he even has a book called Waiting for Baby where the big kid gets to see the baby on the ultrasound) but my hospital doesn't allow kids in the US room, sadly.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019