I've only been lurking, but wanted to say I am so sorry for the bad days @prpl11butterfly and @Mack2342. I am almost three weeks out from my MMC dx at 13w and it has been so hard. Constant reminders and random comments that are like a punch in the gut. A lot of the people I work with know, but so many don't so I keep getting random congratulations on my exciting news and invites to happy hours saying "except you Sarah, you can have water ". It's all so hard and I wish I could take away some of the pain you're experiencing. Hugs to all.
*TW*
Me: 32 │ DH: 35 Married 8/16/13 BFP#1 DS 11/13/16 BFP# 2 MMC dx @ 13w 10/30/18 BFP# 3 Preemie DD born at 38w (IUGR) on 8/28/19 weighing 5.5lbs. Our little miracle
ughhh that conversation at parties is the worst. I really believe that it’s not your responsibility to make sure people are comfortable—I really like “great question! I wish I knew” or something like that and then changing the subject really quickly.
@mwmiller4 Oh, that actually sounds good. I'm gonna try it if it comes up.
@mwmiller4 my recoups going well. I’m now walking unassisted and pretty much pain free. I still get a little nerve pain in evenings but it far less pain than what I was experiencing pre surgery.
Thanks ladies for all the kind words.
@zuuls_mom I’m sorry for your loss. 3 weeks out is a rough time. I found it really hard to be at work for about a month and a half and then it started getting a little easier each day. Hopefully word at work will get out so you don’t get those constant reminders. I hope things get better for you.
I am struggling with that balance between not making MC/loss taboo through my own behavior but also helping other people understand why I don't want it broadcast widely either. The first question I keep asking myself is why I feel like I constantly need to help others deal with this. Because it seems like sort of a waste of energy and also Not My Job.
Several people have said this week, "Don't worry! I won't tell anyone about your surgery!" like it's some scandal. I didn't get like, a bad nose job. It doesn't have to be a secret. On the flip side my MIL was like, "Oh! You don't mind if people know?! Well I will tell the church ladies about it so they aren't so worried!" Not your story to tell, MIL! If the church ladies are worried about how I am doing, rather than just gossiping, they can stop on over or send a text.
I am not sure this even had a point. Just a rant because I have just had part of my uterus ground up and sucked out of my body and have been cooped up in the house because of it and people are weird and can't just keep their noses in their own uteruseseses. And can't, for one hot second, stop asking me the exact date we plan to start TTC again. Like, again, chunks of ute are still making their way out of my body. Totally not thinking about sex right now.
@minnek8 totally agree, I don’t mind telling people but don’t really want others broadcasting it for me! When others talk about it it feels more like gossip
@minnek8 sorry your dealing with that. I agree though, its 1 thing for me to tell people but it's another for people to tell for me. Hipe your weekend got better.
I completely agree @minnek8 and all you awesome ladies!
I will say say it’s oddly comforting when you share w someone and they share a personal story about MC and moving forward (especially going on to conceive). It seems everyone has gone through it or knows someone who has. It’s inspiring me to talk about it a little more with this 2nd MC for me. Yet, I don’t want it to be shared FOR me.
Thanks everyone, for "getting it." I needed that and it is so, so appreciated!
Moods are better today after reminding myself to control what I can control, let go of the rest, and getting in one good snark at a not-nice church lady on Sunday morning that shouldn't have made me feel better... but it DID. The look on her face was gold.
Working on a better attitude this week and for being so grateful that the most important things went super right last week-- my surgery was successful and recovery was a breeze (I was downhill skiing by Sunday!). Haters gon' hate, but whatever. My uterus is sporting a new and improved open-floor concept!
I did the math on how long we've been trying. Dec will make 17 months. 17 months and 3 losses. I know that's nothing for some of you. But damn. I'm so mad at my OB right now. I haven't even talked to him since the day of my surgery but, wtf. How is this "normal and okay"?! I know I should let it go because I do have the appt with the RE. But I can't. 17 effing months. I want to cry (but I'm at work).
minnek8 I've found it easier to talk to people about it as I've gone along. However, I think part of it is that we also feel like our bodies have let us down over something that should come natural and 'easy.' But it isn't all rainbows and unicorns for us, and we feel like we've failed at something that should be innate. So yeah, I want to be open about it, but it's also MY story to tell, and not theirs. Glad you're feeling better and I really wanna know what the snark was! I will totally #BitterHagPartyOf1 with you, because I love to snark out people who don't get it...
prpl11butterfly I'm so sorry. And feel free to cry... even at work. I've cried many times at work this past year or so. It's hard and it's stressful and it's not fair. Just think of the OB as being in your past, and move on to the RE helping you and getting the tests to determine if you can figure out the cause(s).
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks) MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP) RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017 MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP) RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017 MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023. Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing. Surgery for endometriosis January 2024 Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
@prpl11butterfly I’m sorry it’s such a rough day! I totally agree with @dpjennifer just think of your OB and all of this as the past. Now moving on to better things with your RE!
I think it will be easier for me to move forward after the consultation. Right now I'm just super anxious. I'm afraid they will want to push IVF and since we don't want to go that route, because its overkill IMO, they won't help me. Their website only discusses IVF. But he's also the only RE in the area that my insurance covers. I wish I didnt have to wait so long. I could have gotten in on the 4th but I misunderstood something in the email and by the time I realized, DH had already put in the vacation request for the 13th.
@prpl11butterfly ughhh...the waiting is terrible! I’m glad you got in but I’m sorry it’s such a long wait—and that you have to go with that practice because of your insurance. They didn’t even mention IVF to me at our consult—and when I brought up how I wasn’t sure about doing IVF the doc point blank said he wasn’t even all that excited about IUI for us since he thinks I’ll just get pregnant on my own as long as there isn’t an infection or scarring. Which kind of felt like the RE version of “if you just relax it will happen” so I’m not 100% on board but whatever. At least he wasn’t pushy? Hopefully they’ll do a full work up on you and find something that can be easily addressed!
@prpl11butterfly hopefully RE gives you all the options so you can decide. I’m kind of mad now we didn’t go IVF route now. Not sure I could convince DH
@Mack2342 it couldn't hurt to try talking to him about it. If it comes to that, I will have to do some serious soul searching. I just don't know if I want to go that route. But I dont want to have regret after a few years either. I don't think it will it will get to that point. I mean, clearly getting preg isnt an issues, its staying that way.
@prpl11butterfly you definitely need to do what’s right for you! I’m in the same boat as you, no issues getting pregnant but definitely something wrong trying to stay pregnant. This is why our RE suggested moving right to IVF, she is concerned (based on all our testing) that there is something wrong with many of our embryos. Through IVF we are able to freeze the embryos we get, test them and only put back any that come back “normal”. Obviously this comes with its own set of issues and it’s not for everyone. Just wanted you to know what ours said in case yours says something similar, didn’t want you to be caught off guard. She also didn’t just jump to this conclusion, we had many visits and tests before she brought up IVF. I’d have been more skeptical if IVF was the first thing she wanted to discuss.
@char245 I don't feel like egg quality could be the issue because I'm just a week away from 32. But.... my mom was in full menopause in her early 40s (she thinks about 12 years ago so that would be 41). I guess we just wait and see what the tests results say.
Will the RE bench me longer for testing? If (big if, I know) this cycle follows suit with my first D&C cycle, I will O around CD 27 and have an aprox 10 day LP. That would put me a few days away from AF at the time of my appt. I feel like I'm probably going to be benched until March, easily 😔
@prpl11butterfly so when we first started journey with RE neither of us wanted to do IVF because odds weren’t very high bc of our age. However, from these boards and a few peeps I know IVF have worked for women older and several of these women have never had a child. I delivered my DS at 40 and he was conceived naturally so RE said our chances would be slightly higher than others our age. It really boils down to the cost for us. It would wipe us out financially for a while. If it wasn’t for that I would have jumped at it already
@prpl11butterfly I think I was benched for about a month and a half to do all the testing. It really just depends where you are in your cycle when they start the testing because certain tests have to be done between specific days. Hopefully if you get benched it won’t be for very long! Keep us posted!
Had to come to the hospital which totally traumatized me during my latest loss. Spoiler for horrible details.
miscarrying in the public toilet of the emergency waiting room after they had pumped me full of morphine and shoved me back out into the waiting room. I had been there for 3 hours and already dropped blood everywhere.
I'm here for an education thing for work and I didn't think anything of it until I had to walk past the stairs up to the emergency entrance. It made me feel empty again, all this suffering with nothing to show for it. The knowledge now it was a little girl we lost.
Sat by the lake now calming myself down, at least it's pretty and seeing water helps for some reason
@lokibear89 I’m sorry It’s awful you had to go through that. I’m glad you have something beautiful to look at but I totally understand the hurt you’re going through.
@lokibear89 that is aweful. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry you had to relive it. The lake is beautiful and I can see how it helped calm you. I hope today (or maybe tomorrow for where you are/when you read this) is a better one for you.
@prpl11butterfly they haven’t said a word about benching me—granted communication doesn’t seem like their strong suit so maybe they didn’t tell me—I had to contact them to set up Day 3 bloodwork and the saline ultrasound/biopsy on Day 1. The first half of the bloodwork came back normal (ovarian reserve, hormones) still waiting on autoimmune/chromosome analysis (which I assume will be normal as well since I’m healthy overall with no unexplained symptoms and have a healthy LC—the odds of having a translocation are insanely low because of that).
@lokibear89 I’m so, so sorry you had to go back to where you lost your daughter and am doubly sorry it was with such little compassion. Sending you love and hope for brighter days ahead.
@mwmiller4 that’s a good point and something I should have added, they didn’t actually mention benching me either. We asked, since we get pregnant pretty easily but don’t stay pregnant they said that could hinder the tests and drag out the process. I also agree, communication just doesn’t seem to be their strong suit. It’s like bc this is so common to them, we should just know things. That’s why we have to advocate for ourselves so much!
I was assuming that I would be because from what I've read (and been told by my OB) is that having residual pregnancy hormones can affect the test results, blood clotting test specifically. I am planning to ask.
@mrsmiller06 having an LC myself is the biggest reason my OB says this is just bad luck.....
@prpl11butterfly I’m pretty sure the RE feels the same way unfortunately—that it’s all just bad luck and we got pregnant easily out of luck and are “regressing to the mean” (which is a direct quote). He may be right, but I’m going to get a second opinion on the 4th—and this one is supposed to read medical records.
@prpl11butterfly I 100% agree—I feel like something is up but I feel like I’m the only one who thinks that I hope you don’t feel the same way after your appointment
@mwmiller4 Exactly! I find it so odd that both losses stopped at 6+5. I am going to assume the first followed the same "growth pattern" as the second and was slow. I just knew when they said baby was 12 days behind that it wasn't a good sign. OB said it was fine even though I temp and know (within a day) when I ovulated.
@mwmiller4 and @prpl11butterfly did either of you have testing done? I also found it strange that both of my losses happened around the 9 week mark. Unfortunately I didn’t have my first tested (since my OB convinced me it was just a fluke) but I did have the second one tested bc I switched OBs and they were much more encouraging.
@char245. Nope. No testing for me, either. The first one seemed like a fluke and this last one my new OB was very worried about scarring so wanted me to do cytotec instead. Which I did, but it failed. By the time I had my D&C, there was nothing embryonic left to test.
You’ll all be pleased to know that my urine HCG test from the RE was negative. I got all excited when I got an email yesterday to check for a new test result (thinking it was at least my AMH number) and it was a freaking urine dipstick. I don’t think my eye could have rolled more.
Saw an RE and she felt I am 'hyperfertile' which I've thought as well, but it's a bit reassuring to hear an RE say it as well. She explained it that my uterus will accept any old egg that most healthy women's uteruses wouldn't accept, so I'm then more apt to miscarry . No real answers but it's an interesting take on this whole journey. Sometimes I feel like I'm driving myself nuts trying to figure out why this happened to me
@40momma I’m so sorry—losses are heartbreaking and then to know you’re at risk of more I hope the next one to stick is an actual, healthy, take home baby!
Re: November Randoms
@Mack2342 anniversaries are so, so hard—sending you love. How is your recovery going?
Married 8/16/13
BFP#1 DS 11/13/16
BFP# 2 MMC dx @ 13w 10/30/18
BFP# 3 Preemie DD born at 38w (IUGR) on 8/28/19 weighing 5.5lbs. Our little miracle
@mwmiller4 Oh, that actually sounds good. I'm gonna try it if it comes up.
@prpl11butterfly I'm so on board with the scarlet letter.
@Mack2342 Glad to hear you're doing better after having a hard time.
@zuuls_mom I'm so, so sorry you're going through this... There will surely be hard times ahead, but I hope everything goes better for you from now on.
Thanks ladies for all the kind words.
@zuuls_mom I’m sorry for your loss. 3 weeks out is a rough time. I found it really hard to be at work for about a month and a half and then it started getting a little easier each day. Hopefully word at work will get out so you don’t get those constant reminders. I hope things get better for you.
Several people have said this week, "Don't worry! I won't tell anyone about your surgery!" like it's some scandal. I didn't get like, a bad nose job. It doesn't have to be a secret. On the flip side my MIL was like, "Oh! You don't mind if people know?! Well I will tell the church ladies about it so they aren't so worried!" Not your story to tell, MIL! If the church ladies are worried about how I am doing, rather than just gossiping, they can stop on over or send a text.
I am not sure this even had a point. Just a rant because I have just had part of my uterus ground up and sucked out of my body and have been cooped up in the house because of it and people are weird and can't just keep their noses in their own uteruseseses. And can't, for one hot second, stop asking me the exact date we plan to start TTC again. Like, again, chunks of ute are still making their way out of my body. Totally not thinking about sex right now.
Womp. Welcome to my weekend pity party.
I will say say it’s oddly comforting when you share w someone and they share a personal story about MC and moving forward (especially going on to conceive). It seems everyone has gone through it or knows someone who has. It’s inspiring me to talk about it a little more with this 2nd MC for me. Yet, I don’t want it to be shared FOR me.
Moods are better today after reminding myself to control what I can control, let go of the rest, and getting in one good snark at a not-nice church lady on Sunday morning that shouldn't have made me feel better... but it DID. The look on her face was gold.
Working on a better attitude this week and for being so grateful that the most important things went super right last week-- my surgery was successful and recovery was a breeze (I was downhill skiing by Sunday!). Haters gon' hate, but whatever. My uterus is sporting a new and improved open-floor concept!
prpl11butterfly I'm so sorry. And feel free to cry... even at work. I've cried many times at work this past year or so. It's hard and it's stressful and it's not fair. Just think of the OB as being in your past, and move on to the RE helping you and getting the tests to determine if you can figure out the cause(s).
MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)
RE #3: More testing 2023.
Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
Lupron Depo March 2024. Benched 3 months. Hopefully FET after that.
#BitterHagPartyOf1
Will the RE bench me longer for testing? If (big if, I know) this cycle follows suit with my first D&C cycle, I will O around CD 27 and have an aprox 10 day LP. That would put me a few days away from AF at the time of my appt. I feel like I'm probably going to be benched until March, easily 😔
Spoiler for horrible details.
I'm here for an education thing for work and I didn't think anything of it until I had to walk past the stairs up to the emergency entrance. It made me feel empty again, all this suffering with nothing to show for it. The knowledge now it was a little girl we lost.
Sat by the lake now calming myself down, at least it's pretty and seeing water helps for some reason
Anyway that's my little rant.
@lokibear89 I’m so, so sorry you had to go back to where you lost your daughter and am doubly sorry it was with such little compassion. Sending you love and hope for brighter days ahead.
@mrsmiller06 having an LC myself is the biggest reason my OB says this is just bad luck.....
You’ll all be pleased to know that my urine HCG test from the RE was negative. I got all excited when I got an email yesterday to check for a new test result (thinking it was at least my AMH number) and it was a freaking urine dipstick. I don’t think my eye could have rolled more.