@meatballs37 I know nothing we say can take away your guilt, but try to be kind to yourself this week. I bet A and S are so proud of the little gift they sent you ❤️ (I hope that’s not overstepping)
@meatballs37 I'm sorry you're feeling guilty about being pregnant on what will already be a hard day. Just remember, you're adding to your family, you're not replacing your boys. They can't be replaced.
Does anyone else struggle with being pregnant again and being happy? I’m not sure how to channel that into different thinking. I just can’t help but think I wouldn’t be pregnant right now if my boys were here.
@meatballs37 Because it wasn't easy for me to get pregnant I think I focused all my energy into getting pregnant. I think when I hopefully get a good ultrasound tomorrow, the other feelings will hit me. I should have a 6 month old now, not be 7 weeks pregnant. I know some milestones will be hard. But I also believe she knows I'm not replacing her.
@meatballs37 I struggled with that with DS. I had a MMC with my first and conceived DS five months later. I struggled with still being devastated about the first baby but knowing I would not be pregnant with DS if I hadn't had the first loss. I was very afraid of getting attached initially and was very guarded and skeptical. Eventually, the guilt lessened. I adore my son with my whole heart and while I am still sad about prior loss, I would not trade him for the world. This is long and rambling, but I guess what I want to say was eventually, I just accepted that it was how it was. I stopped thinking about the what if's and the if only's, and just accepted that it was. I think that's much easier to do with an early loss (found out at 10 weeks), but my brain couldn't reconcile it any other way. I still have my loss babies in my heart (and in my DNA, according to science), so I take comfort in the fact that part of me still has them all.
I also firmly believe that as a mom of more than one child, your love multiplies. And I think it's okay to be happy and love another child. It doesn't take away your love for your other children.
I feel like I'm more angry still. Angry that I don't have a 1m old. Angry that I have to do the 1st tri over. Angry that life can be so cruel. I don't feel like I'm trying to "replace" the babies we lost but trying to complete our family. I guess I just never expected that our completed family would include babies who wouldn't make it to our arms. But I also never thought it would include our neice either. It is hard to be happy when we've gone though such heartbreak. Maybe when we finally get to hold these babies in our arms, we will be able to see the bigger picture.
My heart is breaking for you all today. If it helps anyone else, my sister (had two MC between her two sons, including a molar) told me something last night that actually made me feel a little better about how helpless I feel right now. She said there’s nothing I can do to help or screw it up at this point. It’s not much, but it helped me to realize that whether this pregnancy works out won’t be because I was anxious or ate a salad or slept 8 hours. So just do the best I can physically and emotionally and the rest isn’t up to me.
@meatballs37 you should take as much time as you need and be easy on yourself. It’s totally understandable that you are feeling all kinds of feelings right now.
@prpl11butterfly and @sparklingdiamond I am excited to see you post healthy baby updates tomorrow after your appointments. It’s okay to be afraid and to lean on your friends/family to be excited for you until your heart is ready.
@prpl11butterfly I think time definitely changes perspective. At this point, I have a relationship with a child who would not be here, but for my loss. I feel like looking back is a lot different than being in the trenches, so to speak. Being in the trenches is hard AF. I'm definitely bitter that I should have had a baby in August and I agree, going through the stress/heartbreak of first tri repeatedly just to complete your family, is crap.
@TJtheGoat I'm trying to keep that in mind too. I'm also trying to remind myself that I've had 1 textbook pregnancy so my ability to carry a child has been proven. I know that the baby we lost was very likely a chromosomal issue and there is likely nothing "wrong" with me (though I'm still self treating as if I do have a clotting disorder/genetic mutation). DH keeps telling me not to forget that DS was a happy US so I should be able to remember the excitement and not just the heartbreak. Unfortunately the heartbreak is still raw and more recent.
@prpl11butterfly I tell myself the same thing in effort to calm my anxiety. Even through three losses, DD was a completely normal and healthy pregnancy. My body CAN do this! My mind however needs to get its shit together.
I am really struggling with being excited. I should be having a baby next month. I should be at the stage or being nervous about preterm labor again. I am really struggling with people around me not knowing how to "handle me". I am the first person in our family to either have a miscarriage or I am the first one who is open about it. (I am going to preface this with it is totally possible my SIL is reading this as she is due a month ahead of me and if she is I am sorry.) We told DH's family last weekend and my SILs made a comment about how it was fate that I had my MC because now SIL and I are pregnant together. It felt like a kick in the teeth. There was no fate involved. My baby died. Yes I am grateful to be pregnant again but that doesn't take away the love and excitement I felt in April. This is not a replacement. This pregnancy does not erase what happened.
@dntstpbelieveing What a completely insensitive thing to say. That really is just so awful. I find most of the things people say who have never suffered a loss to be completely insulting. My SIL always says "things happen for a reason". I just hate it and I feel so much worse after hearing it. Also my dad likes to say "well you already have two kids so you really should just be thankful". It's so insulting and hurtful.
ETA: On my way to my first OB appointment
TW
Me: 33 DH: 32 DS: March 2014 DD: May 2015 BFP: 12/24/17 CP: 1/2/18 @ 4w 3d BFP: 1/26/18 CP: 2/2/18 @ 4w 4d BFP: 5/16/18 MMC: 6/15/18 @ 7w 5d BFP: 9/25/18! EDD: 6/9/19 TEAM GREEN
@eleven_ I agree that people who haven't been there don't really make the best choices when talking to us. I'm sorry your dad would say that, of course your thankful for them. But that doesn't change what happened or how painful it was to lose the life you pictures with that BFP.
@eleven_ I’m curled on my couch feeling miserable today so I will be watching for an update. I hope your appointment goes smoothly and your OB makes you feel great about everything.
I am thrilled for all the good news. Every milestone is worth celebrating!!!
I am upset about all the stories people share about insentive comments. I know its from ignorance. But it hurts.
I feel comfort when I read this thread b/c of all the experienced support & love.
TW **** I’m also utterly torn apart b/c I didn’t good news last night. My HCG levels have stopped rising & I’m only 5w4d. I just had a MMC in July (my 1st pregnancy) & I really thought this was going to stick. I’m sad, mad, confussed & numb. End TW *****
@dntstpbelieveing People are really dumb when they talk about miscarriage. We were buying a house when I had my MMC and my dad said something like "Do you think it was the stress from the house?" I was like "that's not really how it works, dad". Because it's not talked about people don't even have tried and true tropes to fall back on. I'm sorry your SIL was insensitive, and I'm crossing all of the things for your appointment tomorrow.
@meatballs37 I hope this is one of the places you where you don't have to apologize for your feelings. Participate as much as you feel up to participating-- people here get it.
@bakerstreetboys I’m not entirely sure. I get my blood work results online days b4 my OB does. I saw my OB on Friday & he asked me to get blood work 2x & made an appointment for me to come back on Nov 6. Now that I know my betas were the same on Monday as they were on Friday I assume my next draw (planned for this Friday) will show them falling. I’ll keep my appointment for the 6th b/c I have questions. I dont know if I should call my OB office tomorrow or not.
@elliecele The results were the same? It might be worth getting another draw. Maybe the same tube was run twice by accident (I work in a lab and I’ve seen it happen with a miscommunication about a re-draw versus an add on). I’m so sorry you got the bad news though. hoping maybe it’s a mistake.
@elliecele17 I would call; you deserve to have your questions answered, and like Meatballs said, maybe it was a lab error. Fingers crossed for you and I hope that it was a mistake.
@prpl11butterfly every lab is different, but we keep all blood bank tubes for two weeks. And all other regular testing for a week. You would be surprised by the amount of ads on tests ordered by doctors after the fact.
Re: PGAL Week of 10/23
@meatballs37 I know nothing we say can take away your guilt, but try to be kind to yourself this week. I bet A and S are so proud of the little gift they sent you ❤️ (I hope that’s not overstepping)
DS: March 2014
DD: May 2015
BFP: 12/24/17 CP: 1/2/18 @ 4w 3d
BFP: 1/26/18 CP: 2/2/18 @ 4w 4d
BFP: 5/16/18 MMC: 6/15/18 @ 7w 5d
BFP: 9/25/18! EDD: 6/9/19 TEAM GREEN
@meatballs37 I hope taking some time to yourself helps. I’m thinking of you.
I also firmly believe that as a mom of more than one child, your love multiplies. And I think it's okay to be happy and love another child. It doesn't take away your love for your other children.
Sorry. Again, super rambling.
@prpl11butterfly Everything crossed for a great US tomorrow!
@bakerstreetboys AMAZING news!!
@meatballs37 you should take as much time as you need and be easy on yourself. It’s totally understandable that you are feeling all kinds of feelings right now.
@prpl11butterfly and @sparklingdiamond I am excited to see you post healthy baby updates tomorrow after your appointments. It’s okay to be afraid and to lean on your friends/family to be excited for you until your heart is ready.
@bakerstreetboys That is such good news! I’m so happy for you.
I tell myself the same thing in effort to calm my anxiety. Even through three losses, DD was a completely normal and healthy pregnancy. My body CAN do this! My mind however needs to get its shit together.
ETA:
On my way to my first OB appointment
DS: March 2014
DD: May 2015
BFP: 12/24/17 CP: 1/2/18 @ 4w 3d
BFP: 1/26/18 CP: 2/2/18 @ 4w 4d
BFP: 5/16/18 MMC: 6/15/18 @ 7w 5d
BFP: 9/25/18! EDD: 6/9/19 TEAM GREEN
It should never ever be about our loss babies versus our living ones. I hate when people make it seem like it can only be one or the other.
And GL at your appt!
Im trying to stay in the moment of my positive US and just take it a day at a time
I am upset about all the stories people share about insentive comments. I know its from ignorance. But it hurts.
I feel comfort when I read this thread b/c of all the experienced support & love.
TW **** I’m also utterly torn apart b/c I didn’t good news last night. My HCG levels have stopped rising & I’m only 5w4d. I just had a MMC in July (my 1st pregnancy) & I really thought this was going to stick. I’m sad, mad, confussed & numb. End TW *****
@bakerstreetboys So happy for you! Come on, heartbeat!
@dntstpbelieveing People are really dumb when they talk about miscarriage. We were buying a house when I had my MMC and my dad said something like "Do you think it was the stress from the house?" I was like "that's not really how it works, dad". Because it's not talked about people don't even have tried and true tropes to fall back on. I'm sorry your SIL was insensitive, and I'm crossing all of the things for your appointment tomorrow.
@eleven_ Good luck today!
@meatballs37 I hope this is one of the places you where you don't have to apologize for your feelings. Participate as much as you feel up to participating-- people here get it.
@prpl11butterfly GL tomorrow!
BFP 11/30/2017 | MMC 12/31/2017
BFP 6/22/2018 | CP 6/27/2018
BFP 10/5/2018 | EDD 6/14/2019
Baby girl born 6/19/19
TTC #2 May 2020-November 2021
BFP 7/18/2020 | MonoDi Twins | MMC 9/10/2020
BFP 11/7/2020 | CP 11/9/2020
RE Consult January 2021 | Dx "borderline DOR"/RPL
IVF with PGT:
Standard Antagonist:
ER #1 3/27/2021 7R | 5M | 3F | 2B | 1 PGT-A Normal, 1 low-level mosaic
ER #2 4/22/2021 10R | 7M | 3F | 2B | 0 normal, 2 aneuploid
ER #3 5/19/2021 2R | 1M | 0F
Estrogen Priming Antagonist:
ER #4 7/10/2021 5R | 4M | 3F | 1B | 1 PGT-A Normal
Duostim (Standard Antagonist):
ER #5 9/22/2021 13R | 11M | 8F | 5B | 2 PGT-A Normal, 1 low-level mosaic, 2 aneuploid
ER #6 10/9/2021 9R | 6M | 4 F | 1B | 1 aneuploid
FET #1 11/5/2021 | EDD 7/24/2022
Baby boy born 7/19/22
TTC #3 since May 2023 (ntnp)
IVF Started Fall 2023 (Standard Antagonist)
ER #7 10/6/2023 | 9R | 6M | 5F | 3B | 2 aneuploid, 1 high-level mosaic
ER #8 10/31/2023 | 5R | 4M | 3F | 1B | 1 PGT-A Normal
FET #2 11/27/23 | CP (bHCG = 8)
FET #3 planned Jan 2024
BFP 11/30/2017 | MMC 12/31/2017
BFP 6/22/2018 | CP 6/27/2018
BFP 10/5/2018 | EDD 6/14/2019
Baby girl born 6/19/19
TTC #2 May 2020-November 2021
BFP 7/18/2020 | MonoDi Twins | MMC 9/10/2020
BFP 11/7/2020 | CP 11/9/2020
RE Consult January 2021 | Dx "borderline DOR"/RPL
IVF with PGT:
Standard Antagonist:
ER #1 3/27/2021 7R | 5M | 3F | 2B | 1 PGT-A Normal, 1 low-level mosaic
ER #2 4/22/2021 10R | 7M | 3F | 2B | 0 normal, 2 aneuploid
ER #3 5/19/2021 2R | 1M | 0F
Estrogen Priming Antagonist:
ER #4 7/10/2021 5R | 4M | 3F | 1B | 1 PGT-A Normal
Duostim (Standard Antagonist):
ER #5 9/22/2021 13R | 11M | 8F | 5B | 2 PGT-A Normal, 1 low-level mosaic, 2 aneuploid
ER #6 10/9/2021 9R | 6M | 4 F | 1B | 1 aneuploid
FET #1 11/5/2021 | EDD 7/24/2022
Baby boy born 7/19/22
TTC #3 since May 2023 (ntnp)
IVF Started Fall 2023 (Standard Antagonist)
ER #7 10/6/2023 | 9R | 6M | 5F | 3B | 2 aneuploid, 1 high-level mosaic
ER #8 10/31/2023 | 5R | 4M | 3F | 1B | 1 PGT-A Normal
FET #2 11/27/23 | CP (bHCG = 8)
FET #3 planned Jan 2024
@eleven_ thinking about you! Please update us when you can.
OB does. I saw my OB on Friday & he asked me to get blood work 2x & made an appointment for me to come back on Nov 6. Now that I know my betas were the same on Monday as they were on Friday I assume my next draw (planned for this Friday) will show them falling. I’ll keep my appointment for the 6th b/c I have questions. I dont know if I should call my OB office tomorrow or not.
@meatballs37 they keep the tubes?!